137: Time Wars #9: The Lilliput Legion Simon Hawke

A Brendan for Christmas

good luck translocating, my time-dudes

FancyShark

Aw, nerts. I missed Brendan. Have a good night, @A Brendan for Christmas !

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Lucas........just think of your fuckin apartment or something.

gellaho

What kind of lice? You decide!

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Leave the blood, it makes it more authentic.

gellaho

I believe Finn's the one who got crabs in the first book

From Maid Marion. It's a great book

FancyShark

lol

gellaho

Lucas's brilliant plan is to shove himself in a trunk

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

I mean they won't see it coming

gellaho

Dr Darkness and Finn are in a far more goofy action movie

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Meanwhile Lucas suffocates in a trunk

gellaho

Finn thinks he should arm this 19th century drunk

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

He should. YOLO, Finn

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

It works more or less the same as whatever youre used to Guls. Just point and pull the trigger, make folk dead.

gellaho

Savino takes his crack at complaining about time intelligence gathering

gellaho

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Actually yeah assassinating the director seems like it would be fairly mundane for an intelligence department.

gellaho

The scut work

gellaho

Off to da club

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Fuck yes Time Mafia

gellaho

Lucas is not having as much fun

FancyShark

Like The Assassins, the Mafia are not what their namesake imply. These Mafia are deli owners

gellaho

And this Network is not run by the Gray Man

FancyShark

You can time travel, Lucas. Just go to the end of the headache

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

aw

gellaho

Lucas gets in an argument with a roadie

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Where the fuck do you think good prosciutto comes from?

gellaho

You yell at a roadie enough, you can get anywhere

FancyShark

"This sandwich tastes like kneecaps."

"And?"

"...and t-that's...great!"

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

That's called a capacolla now get out

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Get some of that shit with provolone and slap it on some bread with herbs and you have a sandwich. A good one.

gellaho

After the assassination attempt in the hospital, Steiger and Forrester get a good look at the teeny chronoplate

gellaho

Steiger says "fuck it"

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Lucas these are union jobs you dumb verkakte scab, they're going to spot fucking fast and then your knees become cured sausages

I finally get to use my mob slang dictionary

gellaho

Drakov doesn't like Andre's nickname for him

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Okay Nicky

FancyShark

You just admitted she irritated you, Nicky

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Nicky's very easy to provoke

Down on the waterfront they call him "Hair Trigger" Nicky because not all nicknames are winners

gellaho

Drakov is very disappointed the exact same plan failed twice

FancyShark

Well, the prostitutes do. But it's not because of his temper

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Nicky you gotta try it a third time what do you have to lose

gellaho

Come on, Simon, moistened

gellaho

Steiger's timing is not ideal

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

YESS! kill that guy!

gellaho

You want to avoid the exact moment someone's going shoot your arrival point

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Hes surplus guy now that Lucas is a Time Lord.

gellaho

Simon takes a stab at the future of music

gellaho

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

lol

Well........

I know people who would leap at the chance to become more Casio than man.

gellaho

Mother. Fucking. LATS!

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

I can feel Steele emerging from this book

It feels like he just had the idea

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Yeah kick that guys ass for doing his job, Lucas. Theres no way you could possibly just be someplace without using the stairs.

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Fuck you these are Lucas' stairs now

gellaho

Steele wasn't actually his idea originally, which is why he had to write it under a pseudonym. And why It's never getting republished, even though all his other stuff is available on Amazon. He threw out most of the ideas given to him, so the books are essentiallly all him, but he doesn't own them

Lucas thinks fast, and puts all his experience as a time commando into his next move

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Fuck you, cop, Lucas doesn't care

gellaho

RIP Vincent

gellaho

RIP Manelli

gellaho

Finn gets all the chicks

gellaho

Bikers love Buckaroo Bonzai

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

God damn biker nerd gang, out there ruining this city

gellaho

This bouncer's no good, very bad day

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

That bouncer did nothing

This is George Swell all over again

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

"Suck it, working man, fuck you for having a job.

gellaho

Steiger somehow avoids shots from all directions

gellaho

Delaney releases his own Lilliputian swarm

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Tiny violence!

gellaho

There goes Drakov

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Hawke so close to just literally smashing action figures together.

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

It's called planning the story

gellaho

I'm not sure this handcuff technique would work

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Pretty sure it wouldn't

Is it Hunter

FancyShark

I mean, it could. You'd lose an eye or two

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

But two is all of them

FancyShark

Yeah, but you wouldn't lose more

gellaho

Then Gulliver kills the traitorous TIA agent. I'm not sure narratively why Gulliver'd be the one to do that, or how he even knows who he is

FancyShark

Gulliver is still dealing with the shakes from lack of booze. He thinks he's hallucinating

No wait

Hopes

He hopes he's hallucinating

gellaho

Now he's hiding under a table

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Yeah way to make a reference the guy from the 1800s can understand, Hunter.

I dont even think you can call him "Tex" and have the context do the work for him.

gellaho

The parallel Hunter takes Savino's warp disc and escapes again

gellaho

A great time for a shower

gellaho

He collects all his stolen time money, and prepares to escape

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

I hope he dooes?

Or........not?

gellaho

But first, time to get revenge on the high class prostitute that tricked him into getting caught

FancyShark

What a hero

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Truly courageous.

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

I think he might be a villain you guys

gellaho

The hundreds of millions of dollars in time crime might indicate that

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

No that's just cool and sexy crime money

gellaho

The electronic media is in the club

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

But he shot a lady on her birthday!

And then it turned out it want her birthday at all, he's just a liar

gellaho

The white-haired lead singer of Flesh

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Hell yeah geocities is here to get the scoop

Party like it's 1989

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

hahahaha yeah rocket belts, thats what a guy in the 90s would call that.

gellaho

Are you on pcp, chum?

PhysWiz vs GEN¹³

mispelled "Choom"

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Look, i get being skeptical, but PCP doesnt make you hallucinate, piggy.

gellaho

Wakka wakka

FancyShark

"Crunk? Goofballs?"

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

"Oh I get it, youre on Flomps? Skrittles?"

FancyShark

"Woomps? Yabba dabbas?"

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

"Didgeridoos? Wing Wongs?!"

gellaho

That is pretty crazy

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Whine About People Coming To Your Funeral, the Lucas Priest Story!

gellaho

It's, like, you know, I'm, like, alive but also, like... not? And like sorta dead, but not? You know?

gellaho

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Shut uuuuuuup

God.

FancyShark

"Could Darkness have swapped me with an evil me, thereby making the death of someone uninvolved morally clean?"

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Lucas you are explicitly the original Lucas

gellaho

And what does, like, now mean, anyway?

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

The current present, Finn

FancyShark

I like how much more thought Hawke puts into his characters discussing theory than he does in the things that lead to it

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Someone get Finn a dictionary and some Tums, he's having an existential crisis

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Now you've finally uncorked how stupid it is to even worry about time paradoxes, congrats.

gellaho

Mind blown

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

"No im saying that temporal disruption is subjective and doesnt exist."

"WE ARE ALL STARSEEDS!"

gellaho

That's Delaney. That goes on for two pages

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

"I HAVE GAZED INTO THE EYE OF THE INFINITE!"

"ITS GREEN!"

gellaho

No, starseeds are what you travel inside to go through blackholes into other universes where you become a space dictator

Wow, indeed

FancyShark

He can freely move back and forth through time

Him being from the future should make no difference!

gellaho

The fictional character Gulliver is now a full time agent

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

"Hey.......what if Dr. Darkness is God? Like literallly?"

FancyShark

"God? Like from the future?"

gellaho

Whoopsie, lost the lilliputians

gellaho

I'm sure that won't have an effect on the time stream

FancyShark

It's fiiiiiine

gellaho

A real cocktail weenie party

FancyShark

A week later, Delaney finds the waterlogged husks of several lilliputians in the folds of his newly washed laundry

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Either Hawke gets bored and forgets they exist, or they do a Jurassic Park and some of them can switch sex like clownfish or frogs.

gellaho

Leave 'em laughing

FancyShark

Small Soldiers 2: Armageddon

gellaho

The Lilliputians may not know how to eat

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Those kids are going to have a weird day when those tiny men start experimenting with each others bodies.

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

What a strange ending

gellaho

We have defeated Time Wars #9: The Lilliput Legion

FancyShark

We did it!

Thank you, @gellaho !

Great job, everyone!

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

I feel like it defeated us at the end, but I'll accept the judgement

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Im going to be so sad when the Time Wars come to an end.

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Thank you @gellaho !

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

I hope Time Peace never breaks out.

FancyShark

Have a good night, everybody!

gellaho

Bizarrely, the next one actually seems to be about time travel and not traveling into a work of fiction

FancyShark

That can't be right

gellaho

Actually looks like the last three are. Weird

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Is it a ghost writer?