137: Time Wars #9: The Lilliput Legion Simon Hawke

gellaho

And because the next chapter is 22 pages long, that's where we'll stop

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

"hey Lucas, remember the time-" (Lucas disappears)

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Thanks @gellaho !

Great riffing everyone

A Brendan for Christmas

Aw man, I missed Hawke? Why did I choose to have a great time with old friends?

general beef's jakesy

You only missed half of a Hawke, keep those lips moist for next week and pair up with your leggiest redhead in the meantime

FancyShark

Aw man. I'm not missing the second half of this!

gellaho

The Book Cage #137.5

Time Wars #9: The Lilliput Legion - Part 2

Lt. Col. Lucas Priest was a good time commando until he was killed. Then, he got even better. His killer: a bullet meant for Winston Churchill in the Khyber pass. A time split created when Lucas Priest himself used a warp grenade to defeat medieval laser traps, burning off half his face. The warp grenade, turns out, sends meganukes to another dimension, killing billions and causing a time war. However, when Dr. Darkness (coincidentally the inventor of the warp grenade) learned of Lucas Priest's death, transported himself back in time to grab the corpse of Lucas Priest's double from the second dimension, swapping it with our Lucas Priest's body, then teleporting him to Dr. Darkness's base in the Orion Belt. Dr. Darkness knew about Lucas's condition because he gave Lucas a patch which infused with his atoms and gave Dr. Darkness the ability to monitor him and transport him through space and time. Because of all of that, Lucas Priest now has the ability to travel through time and space via thought.

And that concludes the partial backstory of one character. Check in on everyone else Friday, 5pm eastern as we conclude Time Wars #9: The Lilliput Legion.

gellaho

gellaho

Coming up on the hour, it's Time Wars #9: The Lilliput Legion. Here is where we left off.

gellaho

Here is where we are going

FancyShark

Eat the chair

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Eat the chair!

gellaho

Going to try and explain who some of these characters are as we go, but it's become so convoluted at this point that may be impossible

FancyShark

BOOK

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

CAGE!

FancyShark

Hi, @gellaho !

Hi, @Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time !

gellaho

Time to resume the process

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Hi @FancyShark !

FancyShark

I'm ashamed I missed British Steele

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Rambo and His Little Guys, part 2

FancyShark

Hi, @Verified Pervert FlippantSausage !

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

heya Fancy!

gellaho

OK, so Reese Hunter is a duplicate from the alternate time dimension Lucas caused when he set off the warp grenade. In our universe, Reese Hunter was a rogue Time Referee and member of the Underground who lived as a wizard hermit in medieval times. He's the one who brought Andre forward to the Musketeer times, where he got his throat slit and died.

The duplicate Reese Hunter was captured by our Time Commandos in The Khyber Connection, but escaped by stealing a chronodisc and travelling to "modern-day" New York (1989). He used time travel to cheat at gambling and stock trading. Until he got caught by the Network

The Network is a secret cabal of peoplpe from the future who use time travel to commit crimes and launder money

FancyShark

Nice of them to work together

And thank you for the summary!

gellaho

Hunter doesn't know about the Network, so the Network might break his legs

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

Time travel stories can sometimes get complicated but luckily this series has avoided that trap entirely

FancyShark

Hi, @Tom, Boy Detective (Retired) !

gellaho

Eyes, like a doll's eyes

gellaho

Oh, and when Drakov died in the last book, that wasn't actually Drakov but a clone. He's got a bunch of clones now

FancyShark

Drakov is Dr. Doom now

gellaho

Forrester is in the hospital after being lasered by lilliputian commandos

FancyShark

Forrester could never look at a GI Joe again without screaming

gellaho

We should have been prepared for tiny, jetpack wearing soldiers, dammit!

FancyShark

To be fair, if any of them have seen Army of Darkness, yes, they should have been prepared

gellaho

And Dr Darkness should have prepared them for this

Simon Hawke wonders if maybe bringing two characters back from the dead in one book may have been a bit much

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

"This is ridiculous." Steiger said.

"Downright stupid." Delaney agreed.

"I'm doing it anyway." Hawke said to himself.

gellaho

Steiger jealous of losing the mantle of main characters

FancyShark

Steiger hasn't noticed that thing gets moved around every book

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

"Still not a fan of people just coming back to life." Steiger clarified.

FancyShark

It would be great if the first scene Lucas is back, he dies again

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Fuck that would be so good

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Hopefully tremendously violently.

Like full Scanners brain burst.

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

And then just another Lucas shows up

FancyShark

Turn it into a full Lemmings bit

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

"Hey guys, whats up? Lemme just clean Lucas Beta up, btw I'm Lucas Delta."

gellaho

Lucas Priest - main character Book 1, Simon loses interest

Andre Cross - main character Book 2, Simon loses interest

Finn Delaney - main character Book 3, 4 Simon loses interest

Nobody Book 5

Simon gets so bored in Book 6, he kills Lucas

Steiger - main character Book 7, 8 Simon loses interest

Lucas Priest, main character once again

FancyShark

Simon Hawke receives Ritalin - Reluctant Sorcerer

gellaho

Right, Andre is in love with Lucas

FancyShark

This is news

gellaho

It certainly is

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Yeah we all remember the strong feelings Andre had for .........whatshisname.

gellaho

The only thing I can think of is tht in The Khyber Connection, the parallel Lucas was married to the parallel Andre and Simon got it confused

The only other thing is that Lucas was mildly offput when Andre said she was going to give her virginity to a high-class male prostitute

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Whoops

Romance

FancyShark

The best kind of romance

gellaho

Anyway, Finn goes off to Lilliput land

FancyShark

Seems like one tank could take care of the entire problem

Or, like, a truck

gellaho

Well, if you can't trust a drunk fictional character, who can you trust?

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

The state of the world these days, when you cant even trust the drunken ramblings of an idiot.

gellaho

Ah, but the clouds hide a parallel dimension vortex

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Gulliver, the stupid idiot, didn't notice the parallel dimension vortex in the clouds

gellaho

Think how many tiny people could be in that half a basketball court

gellaho

Tiny darts, the deadliest of all weapons

FancyShark

One kamikaze plane and Lilliput is done

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Just send a guy in a hazmat suit and heavy boots.

FancyShark

Hell, send a robot

Or throw a quantum grenade. You've already borked reality

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Yeah get the Time Riders in here

Liam could solve this problem

FancyShark

Oh man, I want Hawke to beat up Scarrow so much

gellaho

Andre's not happy

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Amusing myself by imagining when she says Creed she means Apollo Creed from the Rocky movies.

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Andre's never happy. Kill Lucas, see if her mood changes

gellaho

FancyShark

"Infinite 9/11s? Shut up, nerd. Your human penis is already gone."

gellaho

Andre's from about 600 years before you were fake born, Gulliver

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Torture him, Andre

Bleed the truth from his veins

gellaho

Anyone can be a time agent if they ask politely enough

FancyShark

Officer Amoebic Slime may not follow the rules, but dammit, it gets results

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

The Time Corps standards have gone way down since Andre's admission, like.....Andre is a battle hardedned badass, and Gulliver is.....drunk and sort of a fuck up.

gellaho

This conversation gets interrupted by a member of the time mafia

gellaho

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

"Lord, now what?!"

FancyShark

"Nobody move or I'll miss again"

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Excellent reaction.

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Damn you, Time Mafia!

gellaho

I'll just copy and past my event description in here for reference to why Lucas Priest is alive and has time superpowers now.

Lt. Col. Lucas Priest was a good time commando until he was killed. Then, he got even better. His killer: a bullet meant for Winston Churchill in the Khyber pass. A time split created when Lucas Priest himself used a warp grenade to defeat medieval laser traps. The warp grenade, turns out, sends meganukes to another dimension, killing billions and causing a time war. However, when Dr. Darkness (coincidentally the inventor of the warp grenade) learned of Lucas Priest's death, transported himself back in time to grab the corpse of Lucas Priest's double from the second dimension, swapping it with our Lucas Priest's body, then teleporting him to Dr. Darkness's base in the Orion Belt. Dr. Darkness knew about Lucas's condition because he gave Lucas a patch which infused with his atoms and gave Dr. Darkness the ability to monitor him and transport him through space and time. Because of all of that, Lucas Priest now has the ability to travel through time and space and time.

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

lol

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Hold on I need to do some math

Okay

Yeah

Yeah that checks out

gellaho

When last we met Lucas Priest, he was reuniting with everyone. Then he had a rogue thought and accidentally traveled somewhere

FancyShark

hahaha

Lucas is unstuck in time

gellaho

Where? Turns out Roman times

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

He's Jumper

FancyShark

He's Hiro Nakamura

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Lucas is Jumper, from hit movie Jumper

gellaho

If I remember correctly, this goes real well for Hannibal

FancyShark

Lucas randomly teleporting to different parts of history, screaming in primal fear, would be a great gag

gellaho

The time powers also made Lucas a lot sassier

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Lucas was under the impression this was a clever thing to say

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

hahahahaha suck it dipshit. Stop thinking about that time you were nearly crushed by elephants, and start thinking about things like that time you ate a great sandwich.

gellaho

A grasshopper on speed

gellaho

Almost as silly as someone named Dr Darkness

FancyShark

Dr. Darkness should be the worst thing in these books, but his constant exasperation is weirdly endearing

gellaho

Gottem

FancyShark

Hi, @rooster !

Not as far as we can tell

Hawke seems to think it just sounds cool

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

It would be a real fun villain name, in a tradition of evil doctors. Dr. Doom, Dr. Hell, Dr. Deviler, etc.

gellaho

Lucas goes into his mind palace

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

"No, I fuckin don't." said the guy named Dr. Darkness.

gellaho

Dr Darkness doing goofs

FancyShark

Pithy remarks have a character limit

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

He's such a scamp

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

lol

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

I hope he dies soon

gellaho

Sinatra lost to time

FancyShark

He probably will, now that Lucas has all the same powers he does

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Frank........Sinestro?

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Or is he Lucas

gellaho

Dr Darkness can't believe this shit

FancyShark

The editor got some lines in, it seems

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Neither can we, Rev. Dr. Darkness.

gellaho

So sassy

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Biiiitch biiiiiiiitch biiiiiiiitch, for a dude who just got access to all of time and space and isnt dead Lucas sure is a whiner.

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Lucas has grown tired of living

gellaho

Finn done got Gulliver'd

FancyShark

"I wish I could go back to when I was de-"

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Damn you, Gulliver

FancyShark

I hope it's a facehugger

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

How long was he out that they were able to organize a crew to drag him, tie him down, and move all his shit.

Delaney has brain damage.

gellaho

Ripped to the bone

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Finn also getting sassy

Simon discovered sass

gellaho

Like a fox on a duck

FancyShark

"We need your help. You're going to throw our army at the invaders."

"Like, I'm in charge?"

"No, physically."

gellaho

Apparently, there are multiple groups of Lilliputians

FancyShark

Holding out hope the Nac Mac Feegle show up

gellaho

They threaten to use Finn as a vehicle

FancyShark

"Read the manual."

"The manual crushed our right guard."

gellaho

I find Simon's inconsistent use of "moistened his lips" during this period very unsatisfactory

Luckily Steele came out the next year and fixed that

All aboard

gellaho

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Steele came into existence to properly moisten those lips

This seems like a terrible plan

gellaho

"Don't make me pierce your ear"

gellaho

Thank God for that 19

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

I want a time riders crossover so bad

FancyShark

To be fair, Becks would push Hawke to levels of horny far beyond mortal thresholds

gellaho

A great time for Lucas to pop up

FancyShark

He would age her up though

gellaho

Time for comedy

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

"Dude, my dick is being held hostage by tiny men and youre LAUGHING?!"

"They're going to shoot my penis, execution style! STOP LAUGHING!"

gellaho

Finn thinks this is a great opportunity to turn the tables

FancyShark

Tripping and falling seems like it would also turn the tables

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Kind of a hard fight to lose

gellaho

Here comes the dick squad

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Unless they have jet packs

gellaho

Lucas starts nightcrawling

A Brendan for Christmas

Okay, what's the sitch

gellaho

They surrender, in spite of their leader

FancyShark

HELLO, @A Brendan for Christmas !

gellaho

Quite a lot, but I'll just say Lucas Priest is back from the dead and has the power to travel through space and time with his mind

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Step on them.

FancyShark

Toss them

A Brendan for Christmas

So Hawke

FancyShark

Flick them away with a finger

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Theyre right there, in formation. Crush them like Godzilla would crush the JSDF.

gellaho

That was his threat

gellaho

Meanwhile, Andre and the fictional character have been brought to "modern-day" NYC

gellaho

The classic mauve suites of the 90s

FancyShark

A semiautomatic and it's cocked

gellaho

The mauve man complains about the indignity of espionage

FancyShark

"Don't move! Now stand there while I whine about work."

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Piss and moan, you get to be Time James Bond, and its not as cool as you thought? Asshole.

Quit your job then.

gellaho

That goes on for a while

FancyShark

Back in a few. Dinner time

gellaho

He has experienced time ennui because parallel timelines exist.

gellaho

This somehow leads to an argument about why people fuck

gellaho

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Thanks Andre

A Brendan for Christmas

You guys are arguing about the same thing in a '90s Hell's Kitchen chop shop.

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Never argue with a man in a mauve zoot suit in the 90s. Just shoot him in the face.

gellaho

I'm also pretty sure she's still a virgin

Although, that does remind me of something. In The Nautilus Sanction, she spends a lot of it flirting with Ned Land and there might be something in that book about her liking Lucas near the end. Can't remember

Anyway, Drakov shows up in his pimp suit

gellaho

Andre is able to easily recognize the parallel Hunter, even though the Hunter she knew was an old man pretending to be a wizard and not a 90s stock broker

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

She played Mario Kart with that sex worker, that counts.

A Brendan for Christmas

Nikolai Drakov, florist and soapmaker.

gellaho

Lucas wraps up his little prisoners of war

A Brendan for Christmas

If the Time Teens show up in this all is forgiven.

Wet Bob corrects much.

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Having way too much fun with this, Finn

gellaho

Dr Darkness wants to use them to play chess

gellaho

Need 8 years, 363 days more

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Yeah.....Lucas are you sure Rev. Dr. Darkness Esq. isnt a supervillain? Thats a supervillain move.

gellaho

Between this and Steele, Simon was definitely in his Italian gangster phase

gellaho

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Is........is being tied to the Mafia a bad thing for the TIA? Like........are you also obliged to follow the law with regard to like organized crime?

Seems like a weird cut out.

Also anyone named "Vic Savino" is obviously mobbed up.

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Yeah they've definitely committed some murders during their time rampages that you'd think would make this mafia thing kind of a grey area

gellaho

The TIA is just supposed to collect information, so any involvement in time is a problem

The li'l commandos declare vengeance on Drakov

A Brendan for Christmas

THE Victor Savino?

gellaho

He's no Victor Borodini

Oh, what, you don't like getting stepped on? Who doesn't like getting stepped on!

gellaho

It's almost like these guys were a bad idea

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

The plot is getting confused by the plot

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Hahahahhahaha what a garbage idea, Drakov is really scraping the bottom of the barrel.

"What if all my commandos were GI Joe sized?" is demented.

gellaho

Then Lucas prematurely time ejects again

12" Rachel Silk

He saw Small Soldiers on tv

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

This series would go hard as an 80s Transformers/Gi Joe style cartoon with accompanying toy line.

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Hi @12" Rachel Silk !

gellaho

Finn takes the lilliputians on the secret mission

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Transports them like you do unwanted kittens when you dont have a proper carrier.

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

I do like it when Lucas leaves

gellaho

You know what, I forgot they met three books ago

I don't know what old home week is

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Understandable

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Is it? Amazing? Because you keep fucking with things in increasingly insane ways, and their whole job is to stop you, it seems normal.

A Brendan for Christmas

Everyone knows Mensinger stole his Fate Factor theory from Dr. Freytag's Plot Device

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Drakov is one of thos epeople who thinks nobody could have predicted something like 9/11.

gellaho

Vic seems like a real nice guy

A Brendan for Christmas

THE Vic Savino?

gellaho

The transition here is very funny to me

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Get him, Dr. George Ericson

gellaho

This ends up with Dr Ericson getting arrested

gellaho

Looks like Ericson might catch a break, as somebody brazenly runs through the security checkpoint

gellaho

gellaho

Unfortunately, he ends up getting incinerated

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

lol whoops. oops. Uh oh. Whoops.

gellaho

The Network tries the same briefcase plan, but this time they have a briefcase warp tunnel

gellaho

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

You could solve this like a redneck solves wasp nests. Can of hairspray and a lighter.

gellaho

Harris goes down killing dozens

gellaho

Maybe try using weapons that don't burn down the building you're in

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Just........use a carbon dioxide projector. Gas the little fuckers.

Or, do something fun but insane like get a bunch of prehistoric toads to eat them.

I bet you could laser a beelzebufo a LOT before it dies.

gellaho

I don't know, they seem like an elite fighting force

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

God I hope Forrester gets killed by these tiny idiots

What an end

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Just.......get the firehose. See how well they do then.

PhysWiz vs GEN¹³

This is a cute fight scene

gellaho

Forrester busts out the Dr Darkness deus ex machina neutron gun from The Nautilus Sanction

gellaho

It's extremely effective

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Hi @PhysWiz vs GEN¹³ !

A Brendan for Christmas

Literally just one of those carnival rifles that shoots BBs

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

How many books ago was that? 4?

gellaho

Three

Lucas transports in front of another stampeding elephant. Or, the 20th century equivalent

FancyShark

Wait, has Lucas accomplished nothing since I left?

gellaho

Damn these time migraines!

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

He left

gellaho

It's very nice that his random time thought sent him right to where Drakov is

FancyShark

His thoughts have GPS

gellaho

Oopsie, the time hangover returns and he gets mugged

FancyShark

And these are Jehovah's Witnesses

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Tell him, Lucas. Tell him about the roll of gold krugerrands you have stashed up your ass.

gellaho

Simon's vocab word is back!

FancyShark

Finally!

gellaho

Oh, tatterdemalion

FancyShark

Hawke can only imagine 1980s movie gangs and that rules

gellaho

Time to crush some wind pipes

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Lucas.........just leave.

You can fuckin translocate my dude.

gellaho

Street rumble

Verified Pervert FlippantSausage

Im not sure you can throw a switchblade like that, but okay, cool.

A Brendan for Christmas

Welp, time to go home.

FancyShark

Lucas, you're basically a god. This is not self-defense

gellaho

And now he's naked in the street