138: Night Terrors Nicole Davidson

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 138

Night Terrors

This Fridy is October, and that means spoOOOoky boOOOoks. Unfortunately for all of you, we've plum run out of spooky Casefiles. You get to deal with Nicole Davidson/Kathryn Jensen/Kathryn Johnson. The back of the book promises thrills, teenage death, and blood. From what I can tell, though, it's about a girl with a severe sleepwalking disorder. What I do know is that there will be hateful teenage dipshits and terrible writing. See how terrible this Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

FancyShark

hahaha, oh no

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Oh hell yeah

gellaho

You've been very lucky to not have any Nicole Davidson this year

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

I've been craving it

Tell me about your dreams of vacationing at Deep Creek Lake, Nicole

gellaho

When the clock strikes upon the hour, we will be begin Night Terrors by masters of teenage horror, Nicole Davidson/Kathryn Jensen/Kathryn Johnson

Here is your terrifying preview

gellaho

No idea why the I's were replaced with 7s

just plain old Thrillho

Typewriters are getting harder and harder to maintain

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

BOOK

FancyShark

CAGE

Hi, @Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time !

I'm still cleaning up someone's mistake at work, so I'll be a bit absent this first hour

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Hi @FancyShark !

I have my map pulled up to see how far away from her actual hometown this story takes place. She averages about 15 miles

gellaho

Time to begin the process

FancyShark

Hi, @gellaho !

I refuse to belive Crash Course was a bestseller

gellaho

Thanks for believing in Nicole Davidson.

Love,

Nicole Davidson

FancyShark

Nice try, Nicole. Ellen may share some of the blame, but you still wrote it

gellaho

Prologue: I wasn't Maggie Johnson

gellaho

Nor Magic Johnson

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

What an awkward way to start your book

FancyShark

Hi, @Tom, Boy Detective (Retired) !

gellaho

You want to hook the reader

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

It's early for me to be this sick of Nicole Davidson's horrible shallow self insert

gellaho

You also want to make the preview used to sell the book is as close to the beginning as possible

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Yes Nicole, you fear the hall monitor, we get it

gellaho

Something sharp, but who could say what it was

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

I must find my hair ribbon before the Bone Screecher gets me

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Probably keys

Keys are shiny

And they jangle

gellaho

I don't see how, it's not like she's using a pseudonym and they share a last name

Well, you don't know your name.

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

I got distracted by my shiny jangley keys, did Nicole find her scrunchie?

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

Set yourself up for that one, Nicole. You can't say we're nitpicking on that

gellaho

A very whimsical murder nightmare

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

So she read Alice in Wonderland at some point

gellaho

I don't know about you, but my blood does not ebb and flow like the tides

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Mine does and it is a problem

gellaho

Thanks for slapping me, daddy

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

Hahaha what a loving father

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

I wonder why she has nightmares

gellaho

It is a struggle slapping your kids awake

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

He gave me a quick, reassuring slap

Thanks Nicole's Dad

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

Great misdirect, too. We've all had that dream where we think we're feeling the sting of a bitter cold wind upon our faces when it was actually our dad smacking us around in our sleep

gellaho

Thanks for the slap, daddy. I could've gotten hurt

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Nicole

Nicole is this really what you want to rail against

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Yes and in a way this is better than normal

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

At this point maybe tie her up to sleep? Lock her in her room?

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Bow ties aren't going to help this situation at all Tom

You sound silly

gellaho

Sleepwalking has a once per day limit, apparently

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

I think she once wrote a murder mystery where no one died? Am I remembering that right, guys? Surely that can't be right

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Papa smiled but his eyes were weary from slapping

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

The one about shopping at the mall had several murders

The one at scenic Deep Creek Lake and the sequel and the equally scenic ski lodge at Deep Creek Lake had deaths

gellaho

Try locks with keys

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

Hm I guess I'm the crazy one then

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Instructions unclear I've installed automatic door openers and slapped my daughter

gellaho

Pretty sure you should stop having language arts by high school

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Maybe if you slap her when she's awake she'll remember it in her dreams

gellaho

Well, I already hate Elly

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

I look forward to your death, Elly

gellaho

Nicole/Kathryn's patented most annoying teen writing

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

And that's when papa slapped Maggie again

gellaho

Like, totally nutsoid

gellaho

The "Exit" in "exit sign" is apparently a proper noun

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

And now she gets hit by a car

gellaho

Kathryn out here writing hysterical teens. I bet she was fun in school

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Elly how are you best friends and you don't know she doesn't do sleepovers

Did you just meet

gellaho

Hey, Maggie? That's not normal

gellaho

Pretty sure your dad is killing hookers or something

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

If this is foreshadowing we will owe Nicole a very small apology

Elly you've known your best friend for a year and a half

gellaho

Don't know why Elly would put the ominous pause there if you've kept your sleepwalking disorder a secret

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Elly might be the killer

gellaho

Like the spooky owner of a haunted mansion

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Elly is now Vincent Price in a wig and nothing can change that

gellaho

These teens have to have personality disorders, just constantly flying into rages

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

ANGST

gellaho

... you don't know what oreos are, do you Kathryn?

FancyShark

"You were asleep?"

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

I know teenagers are stupid, but you don't even have to tell the weird specifics of your ghost nightmare, you can just say "I sleepwalk every night and it's completely out of control."

gellaho

Building up courage by getting drunk on milk

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

"if I stay over at your house I'll get hit by a car or I'll get in bed with your parents"

"do you want me to sleepfuck your dad, Elly?"

gellaho

Don't write this, Kathryn

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Why

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

Yeah we needed this conversation to be longer

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Why Kathryn

Dyosy

Ew

gellaho

I demand absolutely fealty from all my friends

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

She probably doesn't want to say anything bad about her perfect father

FancyShark

Also, hi, @rooster ! Hi, @Dyosy !

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

With his impressive job collection and dream-shattering right hook

gellaho

So, you really haven't bothered trying any sort of doctor about this, eh, Maggie?

FancyShark

If she meant REM the band, we'd at least get a solid soundtrack

Dyosy

"This condition dramatically affects my life. I refuse to do even cursory research on it."

gellaho

A very strange reaction, Elly

gellaho

"psst...it's a miracle you're allliiiivvee"

FancyShark

"It's fine though. By the time I'd regained consciousness, the body hair and tail had retracted and my dad had disposed of the dead deer"

Nicole isn't going to even do something interesting like the narrator's a ghost, is she

gellaho

A regular Mike Birbiglia

FancyShark

Heyoooo

Birbigs made this all sound far more interesting. Nicole, go watch Mike Birbiglia

gellaho

The ER is like the checkout line at the grocery store

gellaho

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

I refuse to believe that someone with this life has never heard of rem cycles

This is so dumb

Go to a doctor

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

No

gellaho

Perfectly natural and comfortable exposition

gellaho

If you want to learn how to write beautifully like this, Kathryn charges for writing advice

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

You know how someone who moves every year is really good at becoming deeply ingrained and involved at every level of their community,

FancyShark

I'm sure chugging coffee at all hours of the day is fine for your melatonin

gellaho

It's just the clunkiest writing

FancyShark

It'd be excusable if she was rushing to set up some cool setpiece or was eager to get to the action

gellaho

The maniacs and the incomprehensible are somehow preferable

FancyShark

But this is about as high octane as the books usually get

gellaho

"See, Daddy's the only one allowed to be violent"

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

This makes me miss Scarrow

FancyShark

So her friend's going to die and she's going to think she did it until it's revealed she didn't

gellaho

Time to binge

FancyShark

Those three videos?

Schindler's List

Remains of the Day

and the Deer Hunter

Classic sleepover movies

gellaho

This book is ironically a great sleep aid

gellaho

I mean, fuck me. Why write that

"Then you'll get hurt for sure!"

Deep Chief noiretoon

CHAPTER TWO: The Sleepover of Amontillado

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

Elly's mother walks in just as they're tying magic johnson by the wrists and ankles

"oh uh goodnight girls"

gellaho

"I'm incredibly shallow"

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

Grief Relief is my favourite band

FancyShark

Hi, @Deep Chief noiretoon !

Deep Chief noiretoon

Glad they changed from the Sorrow Borrowers

FancyShark

And the Dreary Dearies

gellaho

Doesn't know about REM sleep, but does know Freud and turpentine.

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

Also I assume this sewing cabinet is full of sharp metal pins and needles? Cool, just checking

FancyShark

"As a teenager, I'm fully qualified to diagnose your life-threatening condition"

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

Good let's get ethers involved

Dyosy

It's more than she's tried so far.

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

"I told you I MADE A DIORAMA. I think you can trust my expertise"

gellaho

Let me take some pictures, too. I'd love to play amateur psychologist with your crippling sleep disorder!

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

That is actually a good point

Deep Chief noiretoon

The audiobook of this would require every chapter to end with the Full House credits music

gellaho

Maggie calls over some boys to stay awake

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

"oh, hey, its Maggie No-Sleep here, just looking for a big strong man who can slap the unconsciousness out of me all night long"

gellaho

Elly's parents are not only cool with that, but also letting them stay up until 2am. And staying up that late themselves

gellaho

"You've been making out with my daughter for seven hours, it's time to go home"

FancyShark

Oh, I think we know where all his blood went

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

These 10 year old 17 year olds are acting like 12 year olds!

What the fuck age are these characters supposed to be

gellaho

Sick burn on Paul

gellaho

Well, apparently, she's not even a senior

Again, wildly permissive parents

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

A sophomore is about 14 or 15

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

"waaa you're not my best friend unless you come to my sleepover"

"Ok but only if we can get someone's dick hard"

As we can see from the range of responses, I am right and it makes no sense

Deep Chief noiretoon

She mentioned Paul's grades and had to explain the layout of a basement, this feels like an instruction guide for aliens trying to blend in

gellaho

Paul and Maggie talk like robots as the other two examine each other's tonsils

FancyShark

Paul, it's a Farrely Brothers movie. There's nothing to think about

gellaho

Get wrecked, Paul

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

Those goosebumps twists were so all over the place. I was a very literal-minded kid and I hated when they suddenly changed the whole context of the story

FancyShark

This would all be excellent setup if we were about to get an alien invasion or zombie apocalypse story

Deep Chief noiretoon

It's okay Paul, you'll land Mary Jane Parker when you grow up

FancyShark

Something keeping them locked in the house

Deep Chief noiretoon

"I tried to imagine kissing Paul but my limited RAM could only generate a 3D model of a potato"

gellaho

Maggie stupidly opens an escape route for when she inevitably accidentally falls asleep

Dyosy

Maybe this isn't horror. It's actually a coming out story. Magic Johnson is going to learn something about herself.

FancyShark

Oxygen. It comes in gobs.

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

I guess if she can open it now, she could have opened it while sleepwalking anyway

gellaho

You are very stupid, Maggie

Deep Chief noiretoon

"Slathered in fresh oxygen, I returned to the basement, which held a mere 3.0 GPA"

FancyShark

Maggie, get a sleeping bag and have someone strap you into it. That's literally how Birbiglia does it so he doesn't die

gellaho

His boner told me

FancyShark

"If he doesn't, the antidote goes down the sink"

Deep Chief noiretoon

Such strange directions "I nodded, indicating joy for her. WRITE THIS DOWN, BODY SNATCHER SEEDLINGS."

gellaho

Darrell Burnside's Late-Night Guest Slamming Show

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

Maggie likes to imagine herself in the audience of the show

Maybe the host calls on her one night

Deep Chief noiretoon

The narrator can't stop comparing grades

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

Maybe he invites her on stage for a conversation

gellaho

Maggie, I think the lady doth dork protest too much

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

And she says "you get what you fucking deserve" and shoots him in the face

Deep Chief noiretoon

"most shows were the Pauls of late night tv"

gellaho

You fell asleep reading a book? Why, I never heard such a crazy thing

FancyShark

I want to know her long term plan. Does she think never sleeping will solve the issue?

It would be a fun twist if she stayed awake so long she went insane

gellaho

Fucking dweeb

Deep Chief noiretoon

without Darryl or Dracula to ground her, she needs a totem to let her know when she's dreaming

That way her dead French wife can't trick her

FancyShark

One, two

Freddy's bored with you

Three, four

He's out the door

gellaho

The scent of hamburger and pasta sauce, spooOOooky

Deep Chief noiretoon

Really missing out on not calling this book Sweet Morphia

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

To be fair, getting into survival mode and never thinking beyond the next 24 hours makes sense with such a fucked up problem. But then you're not also going to be an A+ honor student and head of the school newspaper and director of the school's green initiatives and leader of the chess club and valued contributor to the yearbook and...

gellaho

What, no slap? Get it together, Elly

FancyShark

Elly resumes waterboarding her

Deep Chief noiretoon

Wait, is this whole story just the episode of Saved By the Bell when Jessie's on drugs?

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

She's no okay Elly

gellaho

Let me contain my sweat, for a second

FancyShark

"Trap the clammy moisture" sounds like a gross euphemism

Deep Chief noiretoon

Doki Doki Sweet Morphia Panic

gellaho

I can tell you the reason isn't the dreams

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

Wtf is Elly freaking out about

gellaho

You can try and armchair psychoanalysis all you want, the content of the dream isn't what causes sleepwalking

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

She didn't have a nightmare

Deep Chief noiretoon

"it's Paul! I can sense him not studying for our midterms!"

gellaho

It's a physical condition, not a psychological issue. You'll notice you don't get up and walk around regardless of what you dream, Elly

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

Elly grabs her middle school science textbook and starts brewing up some anti-psychotics

gellaho

My Dad doesn't believe in psychiatry, or talking to the police, or answering questions about the freshly dug ground in the backyard

FancyShark

"My parents don't believe in psychiatrists. I showed them photographic proof and they said the pictures were clearly fake."

gellaho

She did, I skipped it because it was the exact same thing as before

FancyShark

"They said they were doctored. I still don't know if Dad was just making a joke."

gellaho

Don't be such a dweebazoid about hitting me

Deep Chief noiretoon

When she gets older, Elly will get free drinks off her scar story for years

FancyShark

"You also killed my dog like a total nerd"

gellaho

A mountain of sugar, perfect thing after sleeping for two hours

Deep Chief noiretoon

"oh, this? Got it when I was waterboarding a sleepwalking friend. Y'know, for America"

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

"I had just found out about the applesauce and I was going to miss it exactly as much as my friend."

gellaho

Mom's always nervous, pale, and out of shape. Can't imagine why

Deep Chief noiretoon

JESUS CHRIST MAGGIE

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

God damn it Nicole

She always does this

She always does exactly this

Deep Chief noiretoon

I hope this is a Freddy crossover just for you

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

Half a paragraph about how clothes that are too big are too big

gellaho

And her dyed hair

Deep Chief noiretoon

"What if your kid has bad vibes," the novel

gellaho

✅ Redhead

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

"I killed a cop."

"He deserved it, but now we have to leave."

gellaho

"You don't have one," she sneered derisively at her weak father, daring her fat mother to say anything

gellaho

"Fuck you," she whispered

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

Ok I call dibs on "they're running from a curse ghost which is haunting Maggie's dreams and slowly but inevitably follows them across the country"

gellaho

Doesn't take much for this family to completely fall apart

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

It's only been your entire life. Maybe someday we'll be able to give you a better childhood, when you're 18 or so

FancyShark

Liiiiiiiiips

gellaho

Jesus Christ, if this man isn't running from the law, none of this makes sense

Deep Chief noiretoon

"Dad's three unemployment checks from a drinking problem, and you, it has to be said, aren't me"

gellaho

It's 1994, not the fucking Dust Bowl

Possibly the only accurate thing about teens in 1994

FancyShark

Little of both

gellaho

Oh, Fudge

gellaho

gellaho

gellaho

Kathryn also doesn't seem to know what a gift card is

Seems to believe it's a card you give with gifts

Deep Chief noiretoon

"Don't make me tap the sign," said the bus driver, indicating the large SNITCHES GET STITCHES placard

gellaho

They have a fun, unproblematic drive to Ohio

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

What do you mean, why do we have to leave again, you maniac. You didn't get a straight answer the first time

You said "what if we just didn't do that though" and everyone had a panic attack until you said "lol jk jk"

gellaho

Unfortunately, their car does not have child safety locks for when she inevitably falls asleep

Deep Chief noiretoon

"not a single basement in Chicago to protect us"

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

Oh fuck she's dead

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

This is the farthest she's gone from home in one of her books, good job Nicole

gellaho

Sounds like fun

gellaho

You've completely forgotten about the Florida Keys adventure

Deep Chief noiretoon

Night Terrors: A Death Proof Prequel

Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time

I don't think I was there for that. And if I was I'm going to deny it.

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

"you'll have to stay here for about 2 weeks while the bones begin to heal-"

"No can do, Doc, there might be a factory job in Chicago somewhere. Wheel her to the car and strap her in."

gellaho

Oh, you missed the girl burning to death for several pages? Good for you

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

That's even better than my one

12" Rachel Silk

we burning women in here

FancyShark

Hi, @12" Rachel Silk !

gellaho

No, just breaking bones

gellaho

Deep Chief noiretoon

The smell brought Rachel?

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

Nah she just sleepwalks into and out of moving cars

FancyShark

"This is going to hurt like hell, by the way"

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

BECAUSE YOU ARE CONSTANTLY EXHAUSTED, MAGGIE. HUMANS NEED SLEEP. TELL THE DOCTOR YOU CAN'T SLEEP

gellaho

A hospital johnny

12" Rachel Silk

sure, the paper kind of johnny

gellaho

Here at North Central Chicago Hospital, we like talking both very specifically and very generally

Deep Chief noiretoon

Beginning to think this girl was raised in a series of basements

gellaho

They have to be on the run, it's the only thing that makes sense

gellaho

Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)

"oh a sleep disorder clinic? Right here? Interesting. Anyway, bye, my dad wants to drive to New Mexico and see if anyone's looking for a new janitor."

gellaho

At least it better be, Nicole/Kathryn