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gellaho
🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) Poll Time 🚨
It's a previous loser poll. Which of these late series books shall be read? Vote via reaction.
🧙♀️ #98 - Murder by Magic
🐱 #101 - Peak of Danger
🏦 #102 - Wrong Side of the Law
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
This is another really hard one
I am going Peak of Danger because I am curious as to how they manage to get sacrificed by aztecs
problematic fox Djonin
He's diabetic and he's eating a single mango
This reminds me of when my dad had to pick me up from a furry convention.
gellaho
I'm amazed they were let back into Latin America
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
maybe they werent and this is what happens when you try to sneak back in
problematic fox Djonin
"You knew the rules when you jumped the fence, gringo.”
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
I need to see the Hardy's become bad guys. Need the Wrong Side of the Law
gellaho
The people have spoken! And by a narrow margin, we will be reading The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #101: Peak of Danger. Will this middle manager be sacrificed to ancient gods? How often will the gang switch from being called Los Lobos Blancos to the White Wolves? Will Joe somehow survive a volcanic eruption? The answers to these questions will be revealed Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway Pin this to prevent yourself from becoming a human sacrifice to the ancient gods worshipped by a South American gang
FancyShark
I hope they speak South American or it's going to get weird
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Straight from the mean streets of Ames, Iowa
FancyShark
Maybe they'll meet the President of South America
gellaho
Nothing good comes from Ames
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Also @gellaho I'm going to need this Hardy Boys to be good after what I just dealt with. I hope the group chose wisely
gellaho
Here's your preview, brought to you by the Ames Public Library
gellaho
Coming up in 1.5 hours
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
THE BLOOD OF KINGS HAS BEEN WITHDRAWN FEOM THE AMES PUBLIC LIBRARY
FancyShark
Is it better or worse that they made up the god and civilization they're talking about?
gellaho
I can guarantee it's because of the dictator
They didn't want to choose a real place in South America and give them a dictator
Derpbat
In fairness, it's a Hardy Boys book. Their grasp of geography was probably always a bit flakey.
gellaho
Time to begin
FancyShark
"Fat James Woods has been abducted by Kitty and Mr. Squawk. Are you a bad enough dude to save him?"
gellaho
I really don't like that these books are so often from Joe's perspective
FancyShark
You have to assume the reader starts knowing nothing, so Joe's perfect
gellaho
Coach Jordan seems like a real asshole
gellaho
If it's a "summer session" and Frank is 18, shouldn't he have already graduated?
FancyShark
Frank graduated. He just won't leave.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahaha "he's brown and speaks Spanish so he has to be Native American "
FancyShark
Great job warning the kid, Frank
gellaho
Bad choice for a crush, Carlos
FancyShark
Oh Carlos, you sweet, naive boy
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
"In my country, shoulder claps are foreplay”
FancyShark
"We operate on parakeet rules"
gellaho
In my country indeed
FancyShark
"Our toes are crushed and in constant pain"
Carlos is actually from Boise, Idaho, but he knows Americans don't know shit about geography
gellaho
Joe is into Carlos
FancyShark
I'm so nervous for them!
gellaho
You telling me Payumac ain't real?
FancyShark
I seen a feller from Payoomack jus' the uther day, buyin' hisself a canoe
gellaho
Capitalizing Shirts and Skins makes it so weird
FancyShark
Short for Redshirts and- no, nevermind
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Wait, Franklin, please explain how shirts and skins works
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Um, they're called the Shirts Football Team now
FancyShark
"Well," he began after wiping drool from his chin...
gellaho
The sexual tension is palpable
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
"You see, the 'shirts' are named for the unif-" CONK
FancyShark
Show him that barefoot magic, Carlos. Do it.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
So far this is the horniest Hardy boys book yet
FancyShark
Easily
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
More like the Hard Boys amirite
FancyShark
Heyooo
gellaho
Murder attempt #1: electrocution
FancyShark
On the floor and moaning, just like in Joe's dreams
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Yes, the electrical cable is why Carlos was on the wet shower floor moaning
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
FancyShark
gellaho
Well, he doesn't need his shoulder to play soccer
FancyShark
"But his hair..."
"DAMN THE HAIR!"
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Coach Jim Jordan will work on that shoulder, don't you worry boys
FancyShark
Tonight, on a very special Hardy Boys...
gellaho
"Only someone of Frank's intelligence could deduce this"
FancyShark
The Home Alone kid is brought in for questioning
gellaho
Who could have done this?
FancyShark
"Next you're going to say you don't trust the doctor in the sweat-stained van to check you for lumps"
gellaho
James Bond over here
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Lol
FancyShark
hahaha
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
"HA HA HA I AM EVIL MAN”
FancyShark
It flashes that card on the monitor like a silent movie
gellaho
I guess he's still there for some reason
FancyShark
Danny Trejo, fresh from the Desperado set
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
But also, his first instinct when he sees a random kid is "I need to kill this kid”?
gellaho
"Let's see if he buys it"
FancyShark
Duh. He's an electrician
gellaho
I guess so
FancyShark
But Frank would never forget the chemistry he felt that moment
gellaho
I wish Carlos would hurry up, I'm cold
FancyShark
Carlos, you can do better
gellaho
"I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MY INTERESTS" - Joe
FancyShark
"Sure, once they find enough skin grafts"
BlueAmaranth
carlos talks like the alien robot guy from the laser tag book
gellaho
Book 100 sounds like a hoot
FancyShark
It couldn't replace the girls that had been driving the van, but silver linings
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
THE INSURANCE MONEY
gellaho
Carlos must have had a wild phone call
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Maybe he just really likes Van Art
FancyShark
"When I hang up, you have 60 seconds to get to the next phone or I kill your family"
gellaho
BEGINNING VAN POWERING UP SEQUENCE
FancyShark
Frank's heart raced. Was fate giving him another chance? Dared he dream it was?
BlueAmaranth
there's definitely something sus about carlos's parents, maybe the electrician is actually the good guy
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They're taking a big risk putting something as explosive as a computer in their creepy van.
FancyShark
Also, who the hell has a company van for Electro-Wizard and DOESN'T paint a wizard on it?
gellaho
FancyShark
Joe is thirsty in this book
Budd Dwyer Thought
Yo, Carlos!
gellaho
Joe's playing hardball
FancyShark
That's right, Joe. Reeeel him in
BlueAmaranth
damn, joe
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahaha
BlueAmaranth
carlos: i don't want to go back to the hospital
joe: how about i leave you to die in the road
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Better do what he says Carlos
gellaho
"Joe couldn't understand why Carlos wouldn't share his feelings"
FancyShark
"You selfish bitch"
Carlos is doing really well for having been electrocuted in the shower earlier
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
"You better start showing me some gratitude” joe said as he undid his belt
gellaho
"We've known each other for several hours, you've seen me without my shirt on, we're basically family"
BlueAmaranth
"learn from each other "lmao
FancyShark
We promised to learn from each other. IN EVERY WAY
lol, dangit, swooped
BlueAmaranth
also
"they tied my father like a pig and told my mother i was dead"
"brutal, dude"
joe is so good at navigating difficult conversations
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Oh man that's sucks Carlos take off your shit
FancyShark
"That totally bites, me amigo"
gellaho
In my country, the police do not have badges, but high school graduation rings
gellaho
BlueAmaranth
are his parents in the Resistance
FancyShark
The FBI does not care about this
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Our dictator was born into the influential Jostens Family
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This seems more like a job for the state department than the Hardys.
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
that was what I was thinking
But at the same time, the Hardys have already personally busted more druglords and ghosts than the federal government
John
Sorry I'm late, but I'm all caught up now. Looks like we've got a good one this week.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
What you've missed so far:
- A sexy South American soccer player has captivated Joe
FancyShark
Then he was electrocuted and ran out of the hospital after a phone call
gellaho
"Your language is hard for me. I only understand words like campaign, malfunction, and casualties"
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
I love that they are doing that hack writer thing that hack writers always do for characters who speak a foreign language where the character says something in a foreign language and then says what it means in English
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
- the country of Paycuas or some shit is run by the Jostens family and all the secret police have the same class rings
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
"They are called Los Lobos Blancos... the White Wolves..."
Ahahaha
they did it again
FancyShark
He's hoping to get elected over the current dictator?
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
"Instituto de la Paz... or The Peace Institute"
FancyShark
That...that's not how dictatorships work
gellaho
"They decided to have the World Cup in a South American country with a dictator during an election year, they figured nothing could go wrong"
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
I mean Putin wins an election every few years so maybe?
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
I mean... Brazil 1950
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Sure, the opposition somehow ends up dead every time
Also isn't this years World Cup being held in a country where they don't allow women to read?
FancyShark
Missouri?
gellaho
"My father based his campaign on our divine right to lead"
Gentleman Brendan
PLAYER 3 HAS ENTERED THE FIGHT
gellaho
"When the Spanish invaded, they didn't try very hard with names"
FancyShark
Joe is thirsty for swarthy Carlos. Carlos has been electrocuted by one of the military police from his country's dictator's army.
Carlos is now telling us how his country is terrible
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Right next to El Piqueño, which was also my nickname at the Peace Institute
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
Surprised he didn't say "El Gigante... the gigantic"
Gentleman Brendan
joe is attracted to pain like a moth to a really bright light that is also pain
gellaho
Ezra Collig
FancyShark
Every room comes with a Chief
It's super awkward
Gentleman Brendan
"as you can see, my friends, the panther god is no mere myth. In his name, thousands of my countrymen were killed. Though I do have a clearly established line to the throne, it is my hope that free and proper elections will--KIZZAAHHHHHHH" Carlos cut off, electrocuted again by the people's choice.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
You know it's coming, yet here it is again
gellaho
The striking features of the fake ethnicity
FancyShark
"Also huge leathery wings sprouting from her forehead"
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
My name is Ezra Collig... I was injured in the line of duty... I lost several of the consonants in my name
gellaho
This ghost writer decided that Joe is hungry for men
FancyShark
"If you do know Spanish, I should explain what we meant during the drive"
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
BlueAmaranth
so collig is definitely getting shot
and i bet it's gonna be a cliffhanger, like, the author is gonna think we forgot about the bulletproof vest
and everyone's gonna be like "noooooo, not beloved character chief ezra collig"
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
I'm going to predict that this is Chekhov's Vest and it will never come up again
FancyShark
Or he'll get shot somewhere other than the torso and it'll be a clue that they knew he had the vest
gellaho
I bet this small town chief has this under control
Budd Dwyer Thought
I just realised that any adaptation of A Confederacy of Dunces would have to really exaggerate Ignatius's physical repulsiveness because in 1970 only 1% of the US adult population was severely obese
FancyShark
"On the back it continues 'Oh no. He's got us. Oh lord, help us.', then a bunch of screaming"
Budd Dwyer Thought
and only 0.6% of men
gellaho
Here is your snack update
FancyShark
Joe, the last time you went for a snack, your boytoy ran away
Gentleman Brendan
Senora Copac dresses like a toucan but Frank would if he could.
gellaho
Tsotal the God of the volcano, responsible for earthquakes
FancyShark
The writer stared at their box of Total. "What would be a good Aztec-y god name?"
Gentleman Brendan
He doesn't sound evil. He sounds Tsotally rad.
...too slow, mcginley. too slow.
FancyShark
Fire Cthulhu does sound badass
gellaho
The Electro-Wizard van has returned. Uh oh
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Oh shit that vest sucks shit
FancyShark
Collig's head is like a crushed pumpkin, but hey, he had a vest!
BlueAmaranth
this is such a classic way to make up a fictional culture's myths. "what if they just describe a real-world phenomenon with a metaphor"
gellaho
"Frank had the memory of a goldfish"
BlueAmaranth
also wow i didn't expect collig to get shot this soon, i thought they would at least wait a few chapters for everyone to forget about the vest
FancyShark
@BlueAmaranth , just showing off
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
Oh no, he got shot again
Now he is Chief Coli
Gentleman Brendan
It's only rated against Saturday night specials.
gellaho
"But he's MINE!"
FancyShark
hahahaha
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
One more shooting until he has to change his profession to Chef
Gentleman Brendan
A scientist invented kevlar and some other scientist immediately got to work like "Now if I teflon coat these bullets, mmmmaaayyybe...."
FancyShark
"Hands off, skanks"
Gentleman Brendan
Is the theory that he loses a letter with every bullet?
gellaho
NYPD says, fuck this kid
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Up until now he only loses consonants so this would be a slight deviation from the working theory. But yes
FancyShark
Eventually, he'll only be able to introduce himself by saying he's the person he's talking to
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
Yeah I made a joke earlier is his last name is Collig because he lost some consonants in the line of duty
gellaho
They decide to get their parents involved in this dangerous situation
FancyShark
No need to let your dad try to anticipate a threat
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
"That depends, how thicc is his mom?”
Gentleman Brendan
The Hardy Boys can solve anything except why their mom left.
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
At this point when their dad gets a call he should just be like "Drugs, Ghosts, or Thieves"
FancyShark
"Soccer was fine. I met a luscious prince. Can we invite him and his foreigny mom to dinner?"
gellaho
She's still there, she's just very dumb
gellaho
"Why do you have to make a phone call about the international fugitives during dinner?"
FancyShark
Phone Calls: Enders Of Marriages!
gellaho
This is impossible for the police chief to accomplish
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
how did he manage to do all of that with one phone call
FancyShark
Aunt Gertrude is busy brokering a heroin deal with the Taliban
FancyShark
That operator is a fucking prodigy
gellaho
With what, Frank? Your psychic powers?
FancyShark
Colli tweets all his arrests
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
No one would know to look for Carlos at the house of those two kids he knows that constantly are getting into ridiculous crimes
gellaho
"Wow."
FancyShark
"Golly"
gellaho
Ahuh
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
wow that aged well
BlueAmaranth
why didn't he just shoot the dad
FancyShark
Dad doesn't have an FBI friend
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
Theres nothing we can do about foreign nationals coming into our country and kidnapping them either
FancyShark
Seems weird that criminals would want to immigrate here if they get immunity through the consulate
gellaho
Their mom wants these two dead
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahahahaha
Amazing
FancyShark
"I haven't fucked my husband in over a decade. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE."
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
holy shit
gellaho
"When has the United States ever interfered in Latin America, Joe? NEVER!"
Gentleman Brendan
Laura feels it's been long enough since the insurance policy was upgraded.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
The CIA: famous for not interfering in Latin America
Gentleman Brendan
I wouldn't either if it risked bringing forth the prophesied Third Hardy.
Chet Hardy. The Hardy we do not speak of.
FancyShark
He's in the cellar. The one with no door.
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
Honestly at this point I would be pretty sure the CIA helped arrange the kidnapping
gellaho
"We will barter this soccer ball for clean clothes"
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
BlueAmaranth
they definitely hid something inside the soccer ball
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
Am I the only one who is positive the property brothers kiss each other on the lips
FancyShark
Carlos
FancyShark
You are not
gellaho
"I will remember you for when I return, flight attendant" - Joe
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That police department seems pretty blase about their chief being lit up with a submachine gun.
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
He lost so many letters he disapeared
FancyShark
"That Chief. What a party animal!"
gellaho
Hey, it's the guy from Dead of Night
FancyShark
EEEEE!!!!
ASSASSINS!!!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They can't explain what happened because they can't communicate what happened to their chief with no letters in his name.
FancyShark
WE'RE GETTING ASSASSINS!
gellaho
"It's a character we remember once every 20 books or so"
FancyShark
Oh, damn, right. He's a good guy. Don't play with my heart, Dixon!
gellaho
I've only ever seen him once. And there ended up being fake clones and pendulums and drugs and ghosts and dwarves
Gentleman Brendan
They say a man dies two deaths. The second is when he passes from this realm. The first is when he runs out of letters in his name and gets greyed out like a video game character so that everyone forgets him.
FancyShark
It was the greatest idiot plot ever. I crave more.
gellaho
Hardcore
FancyShark
Sweet
It's like a teardrop tattoo, but it can be sized by a jeweler
gellaho
"Carlos, my love, no!"
Gentleman Brendan
seems like it would make more sense to wear badges until you kill, then you have a ring sized for your finger for life, but what do I know, I'm just the wildly successful head of a Turkish international syndicate.
FancyShark
Carlos is tired from their pre-flight passion
Gentleman Brendan
He has placed his everything in Carlos.
gellaho
FancyShark
HAHAHA
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
fuck me
gellaho
So yeah, this is definitely supposed to be Peru
FancyShark
Wait, Pacific?
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
I am getting more Chile vibes with the whole dictator election thing
Gentleman Brendan
Your naked Gigante looks mighty Chile
...too slow, McGinley. Too, too slow.
gellaho
I'm basing it off the Ixilans = Incans and the west coast
FancyShark
No, that still works
gellaho
"But I wanna go on a date with Caaaarlooosss"
FancyShark
"You're thinking with your little Hardy, Joe"
gellaho
How do you miss that
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
fair
This does seem to be south american indifferent enough to not care Peru was a functioning democracy at that time
FancyShark
To be fair, everyone avoids looking at their fellow passengers on a plane
gellaho
Jesus, Joe is such a dumbass
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"Thankfully there was a blanket over Joe's lap, too."
Gentleman Brendan
Joe is going to be doubly mortified when it's some other guy he tackled in a closed environment and can only say "They looked the same."
FancyShark
"That's the point, Joe"
"Dictators tend to have their thugs look for enemies already on lists"
gellaho
Luckily the police were only in one location in this airport
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
btw, also fun fact. At the time this story takes place the president of Peru was a 2nd generation japanese immigrant named Alberto Fujimori
FancyShark
Cops rely on line of sight. If they don't see you, they can't talk about you
Gentleman Brendan
How was he as a dictator?
gellaho
Who would have guessed that flamboyantly jumping into the luggage return would be suspicious
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
He was a president so kind of shit at it
FancyShark
Too many = An entire airport
gellaho
BUT WHAT DID EQUIPAJES MEAN
Gentleman Brendan
Man, it's true what they say. Japanese-Peruvian guys make terrible dictators. Sorry if anyone's offended, I'm just being real.
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
it means luggage
FancyShark
Joe, trying to get a Doors song going
Gentleman Brendan
Joe is carrying a lot of baggage.
...diesel?
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Oh so now they expect us to use context clues
FancyShark
Yeah. They don't make planes like they used to
gellaho
Frank forgot his meds
FancyShark
That iconic waft
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I assume from the baggage carts.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
They're in South America so the assumption is that planes are just work trucks with cardboard wings taped on
FancyShark
Frank took a moment to drink in the sight of the flocks of eagles and finches building their nests in the stoplights. A typical Payumacian sight.
gellaho
The taxi driver had alway wanted to be in an action movie
FancyShark
"You boys have working kidneys, yes?"
gellaho
Oh, thank God
Gentleman Brendan
It had to be explained to the boys that federal laws are still valid if the government is not America.
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
GOD DAMMIT
Gentleman Brendan
I bet there's just an international embassy email chain in 1991 that goes RE: Re: Re: RE: These assholes again (Hardy)
FancyShark
"It is a hard life, but it is also short."
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Re: pinche putas "Hardy”
Gentleman Brendan
How many times has the word swarthy been used?
FancyShark
I think none in the book, but one of us had to have used it
gellaho
10/10 detectiving
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The Grey Man gets CC'd on these with the message "Kevin, I thought you said you were taking care of these two."
FancyShark
"Literally the most common symbol in the country, you say?"
Budd Dwyer Thought
this is a series for 7 year olds
I feel bad mocking it too severely
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Nyet, this is the Young Adult series
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
Ahem! 12 year olds
Budd Dwyer Thought
what
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
The Casefiles are for teens
gellaho
Fucking radical
Budd Dwyer Thought
goddamnit
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
This is the extreme mature version where the Hardy girlfriends die in a car bomb
Budd Dwyer Thought
wtf
FancyShark
This is the EDGEY series
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
The regular Hardy boys is the kids one
Gentleman Brendan
Supernatural is Hardy Boys with demons.
FancyShark
Or a Pit and the Pendulum trap
Budd Dwyer Thought
I know I read the "casefiles" when I was like 6 but I don't remember anything like a carbomb
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It's either Hardy Boys with demons or the X-Files with rednecks.
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
Everything thinks I am joking when I say there is one where they get hunted for sport
gellaho
"The dictator is working on his deadly fart gun"
gellaho
I own it
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
sick
FancyShark
That will be a great read
gellaho
gellaho
K
FancyShark
So methane weapons are going to be used after a South American dictator sacrifices his election rival to a fake Incan god?
Gentleman Brendan
I think I read Deathgame in elementary
Gentleman Brendan
You speak true words.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
It makes computers explode at 10 times the normal rate
gellaho
Frank took too long on the phone
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
guys hold up
we need to talk about how fucking stupid this is
The villain has a supersonic fart missile launcher
Budd Dwyer Thought
wow a gun with bullets that reach supersonic speeds
FancyShark
What's stupid about a fart rocket?
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
Its not a fart rocket
gellaho
Joe's gotta be so excited about this date
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
its a fart cannon
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Also, please call him El Jefe , or The Boss
Gentleman Brendan
This crazy bastard is going to drop a methane bomb in Tsotal's asshole.
Javo, how do you say El Jefe in Espanish?
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
There's so much methane involved, they might as well be on Mars
Tsotal Recall
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
The jefe
FancyShark
"Do you feel it?"
"What?"
"Hang on, let me undo my zipper"
gellaho
Turns out the electrician is the rebel leader
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahaha
FancyShark
"Yeah, can't complain"
Gentleman Brendan
Was the electrician flying back and forth along with the Hardys?
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
"Quick, how do Mexicans disguise themselves?”
Ok he's a gardener…no too obvious… I got it! Electrician!
FancyShark
He was!
gellaho
This guy seems like his revolution will go well
Gentleman Brendan
You can actually skip trade school if you apprentice to torturers and log 300 hours with a car battery.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I feel obligated to point out that scramjets are a real thing, and not at all what is being described here.
Gentleman Brendan
hahaha Los Lobos
FancyShark
"Yesterday I came around and said 'Let's start a revolution!'"
Gentleman Brendan
Yo no soy marinero, soy a wolf
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
He's going to launch a revolucion, or revolution
gellaho
How do they disguise themselves Indeed
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahahaha
Gentleman Brendan
This is the same logic that gave us THE SAINT.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
EL MARIACHI
OR, THE MARIACHI
Gentleman Brendan
I love to play guitar and I love to seduce baristas. SOY EL CAPITAN
gellaho
Already sleeping together
Gentleman Brendan
Mother Hardy's plan is unfolding perfectly.
gellaho
THE SLENDER ARE BACK
John
Jesus, only page 75? How much crazier can this book get?
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
At 35, she was 15 years older than everyone else involved
FancyShark
Give me my Stupid Terrorist ASSASSIN fix, Dixon
gellaho
"Can I marry your nephew?"
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
We call her abuelita, or "dear grandmother”
FancyShark
Joe's thirsty for this whole family
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
gellaho
There's only one black Ice for me, Dixon
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
EL HIELO FALSO
FancyShark
That's not a dwarf. Don't try to fool me, Dixon!
Gentleman Brendan
He is...El Lobo Alfa
gellaho
Joe Hardy everybody
FancyShark
hahahaha
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahahaha
FancyShark
Dudes that just went to the optometrist? EVIL!
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
We don't like your tipo around these parts
gellaho
Time for human sacrifices, baby!
FancyShark
They then drive back to explain that "adios" means "goodbye"
gellaho
Interesante
FancyShark
Of all the times for a danger boner
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
No Frank, it's not time for jackin' it!
gellaho
Aw
dr
I'm not like a lockpicking expert or anything but hahahaha no
gellaho
Joe tries taunting at the language barrier
FancyShark
But what if the handcuffs have comically huge locks?
dr
Unless they're plastic children's handcuffs maybe
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I just realized they introduced the new creepier van only to leave it at home when they went to another country.
Gentleman Brendan
Micola is a very hands-on dictator
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
You dare use the baloncesto , or ball, needle for lock picking?
Gentleman Brendan
The Hardys are getting their asses handed to them this outing.
gellaho
Frank has practiced every martial art
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
I hope you all appreciate how deep I'm digging into the high school Spanish well for this bit
FancyShark
Judo chop!
gellaho
Kinky
Gentleman Brendan
15%% odds this revolucion is deterred when a soccer match airs and both sides quit their hostilities.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahaha franks danger boner comes into play now I assume
FancyShark
"Like what I told you to do to me, Carlos!"
gellaho
This ghost writer needs a cold shower
FancyShark
"Also, the erotic wounds where her jaw and eyebrows should have been"
gellaho
Carlos has been healed by jumping off a moving vehicle
FancyShark
"Ey can valk!"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Carlos never recovered his full range of motion in that arm.
gellaho
The fuck is this interaction
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
"Tengo los brazos de acero!”
FancyShark
Broads: They love their jewelry!
John
I do appreciate the reminder of how pretty she is. Since this is from Joe's perspective, I assume this means that's his first thought every time he looks at a woman.
gellaho
"The old and ancient way of cardboard"
FancyShark
"They eat dirt and suck moisture from each other's tears."
John
Jesus, that would be super racist for the 1920s.
Gentleman Brendan
Joe Hardy, surviving brother, 2013: I remember Marta Capac, She was older, with copper brown skin, a broad forehead and intelligent eyes. She made a man out of me.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Marta isn't showing a lot of solidarity with her people. Not a great look.
gellaho
I wonder why Carlos isn't nervous around women
gellaho
She's a great teacher, though
FancyShark
"Ew. Poors."
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Or, pobres
gellaho
Time to wait for the bus. Excitement!
FancyShark
"Everybody strip"
gellaho
Joe's trying to make Carlos jealous
FancyShark
When he said throne, he gestured to his face
gellaho
Better than the pile of grass he actually made
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
He's trying to set up a via de trés
That ones a stretch, I have no idea how to say threesome in Spanish
gellaho
Talking to a bus driver? So brave
FancyShark
I'm sure a beautiful woman in a super corrupt and militant country being unused to someone treating her with courtesy isn't a sign of something inappropriate for a kid's book
Gentleman Brendan
Shut it down, we've got our winner.
gellaho
What are you getting at, ghostwriter?
FancyShark
She's smart to not anger him
Gentleman Brendan
Franklin had an erotic novel due at the same time and thought he could write two books with shared scenes and find/replace all the names
gellaho
This is weird
gellaho
I don't like this
FancyShark
The erotic novel has several scenes of exploding computers
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The male lead suffers repeated head injuries.
FancyShark
Every bus has its own goat. Maricopa fulfills his promises!
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
The goat, or tom brady remained tied up
gellaho
So the issue is not that the election is fixed, but that they want a strong armed dictator?
Gentleman Brendan
With all the suave assurance of a college freshman, Joe turned to Marta and gestured at the goat: "looks like at least one person here is horny."
gellaho
Are you working on your democracy 101 homework? Why is this happening
FancyShark
"I call my brother a coward. He seems to like it."
Bus polls are a beloved pasttime on Payuanac
gellaho
I. Don't. Like. This.
gellaho
I don't like :joe: chatting up this woman. It's weird
FancyShark
"Eighteen hours? That's just enough time for a full round of RISK"
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
He's just looking for some comida
gellaho
Wouldn't you have felt that?
FancyShark
Aftershocks don't reach the Hardy's brains for a while
gellaho
As a Floridian, I'm no earthquake expert. But I feel like they'd feel the biggest earthquake in memory in this small South American country
Gentleman Brendan
Frankly, I'm sold on the Capac sisters and don't blame Joe one bit.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
He knew about it because the car was tsotaled
FancyShark
The entire island is a couple city blocks. The bus driver just wants to leer at the aunt some more
gellaho
There it is
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Tia linda is in trouble
gellaho
These idiots can sleep in any situation
FancyShark
Stucco: It's Glass, Right?
gellaho
I think they're being helped by a human frog
gellaho
Convenient
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Wait he translated to them from the English she was already speaking?
FancyShark
I want this lady to break bad news to everybody
"Your surgery. So amazing! So advanced! You will die by sunset."
gellaho
The Llama store
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahaha
HOME OF THE LLAMAS
FancyShark
"THERE'S LLAMAS HERE?!"
lol, swooped
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Get rekt
FancyShark
Is the rest of the book a makeshift Canterbury Tales as they get more passengers?
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Next up on the bus: La Esposa del Baño
Shit I think the federales came for gellaho
gellaho
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahaha Tierra de morrir
gellaho
It's Los espiritos
FancyShark
🎵 The wheel on the bus goes bye-bye-off🎵
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
RIP goat
He's become one with the Death Land now
FancyShark
If goat breaks, turn to page 34 of manual
Dial the emergency number on that page
Be sure you have the goat's serial number ready
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Vaya con Dios, goat
gellaho
Lol
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Lol
FancyShark
hahahaha, jesus
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
As the bus careened off the cliff, joe knew he wouldn't be hurt by the thousand foot fall
FancyShark
The driver and old lady are all over the interior, but at least Joe's okay
gellaho
It's like titanic
FancyShark
"My heart will go on, Joe"
"I'M FINE. MY HEAD'S NOT HURT"
gellaho
Death
FancyShark
So glad no one has any spinal injuries from the THOUSAND FOOT DROP
gellaho
This woman is trying to take him down
FancyShark
Do it, Marta
gellaho
RIP
FancyShark
He died as he lived, driving a bus. Wait, piranhas?!
gellaho
Sure, sure
FancyShark
Really makes you think
Anyway, Marta, you should probably tear up your dress to make bandages or something
gellaho
Perfect time for a murder
FancyShark
Frank found a new fetish that day
gellaho
Joe chooses hos over bros
FancyShark
Yes, Frank. That's why you're going to keep an eye on her.
No other reason
gellaho
Seems legit
FancyShark
The child pulls a shotgun and demands to know who the fuck is trespassing on her property
gellaho
Byyyyeeee!
FancyShark
"Eat shit, motherfuckahs!"
gellaho
But where did she go? And why? And where?
FancyShark
"We pulled her from the bus wreckage. Why would she not stay with us?"
gellaho
Weird phrasing, bud
John
Not a good sign that after seeing the word "Joe" my brain interpreted "ranchhouse" as "rapehouse." Not sure if that's a bigger indictment of Joe, the writer, or myself.
Who am I kidding? This is definitely a me problem.
FancyShark
I mean, it's a definite possibility with Joe
John
You give me a benefit of the doubt I'm not entirely sure I've earned
Budd Dwyer Thought
a llama horked up a big wad of half-digested plant matter into my face just last week
smelled like actual shit
and that fucker was aiming right for my eye, I was lucky I was wearing glasses
gellaho
Volcano!
FancyShark
"Serpentine, llama! Serpentine!"
Budd Dwyer Thought
wow incredible coincidence that the volcano exploded
only a few pages after it was first mentioned
gellaho
Frank: explosives expert
FancyShark
Maybe a fart cannon?
gellaho
Maybe stop the murder before satisfying your curiosity, Frank
FancyShark
I hope the cause is Godzilla, just to fuck with the readers
gellaho
I know this is a fake ethnicity, but this is still weird
gellaho
He's still human
FancyShark
"Scraping his elongated ears against the ground, drinking in the vibrations of the earth"
gellaho
FART CANNON
FancyShark
Fart cannon!
gellaho
Oh no
FancyShark
GASP
Which of the three Spanish adults will it be?!
gellaho
Americano ain't it
FancyShark
Odd they keep the speaker anonymous when the characters know who it is
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Or, cucaracha
FancyShark
Even in the face of mortal peril, there's time to learn another language
gellaho
Estadounidense
The NETWORK
gellaho
NETWORK SWAT
FancyShark
lol
Frank fails his bluff check
gellaho
Seems legit
FancyShark
Those are good shoes
gellaho
As a tall man, this is my life
FancyShark
It's the same tree, over and over. They are really bad with direction
gellaho
That is about how long Stairway seems
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
How do you say stairway to heaven in spanish?
FancyShark
Escalera al cielo
according to Google
gellaho
Joe is weak
FancyShark
Has Joe never encountered stairs before?
Has every mystery before this been in a ranch home?
gellaho
FARTS
FancyShark
"The tent?"
"Shut up, Joe"
gellaho
A fantastic sacrifice
FancyShark
The death prayer is just lyrics from a GWAR song
gellaho
Do you want to walk into a bullet
FancyShark
The kid's ready to explode. Just the way Joe likes it.
gellaho
Gasp!
FancyShark
OH NO! That means the truck she drove here is probably low on gas!
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Calling dibs on this as the title for my memoirs
gellaho
What
FancyShark
Lucky there haven't been any earthquakes, the largest in memory, since he was captured. He could have fallen.
gellaho
That magic earthquake was lucky
FancyShark
Micola is determined to not die a virgin
gellaho
Why are you handcuffing dudes at this active volcano
FancyShark
"Hope the cops find you up here soon!"
gellaho
Tony Hawk must sacrifice this man
FancyShark
Hawk knows Marta was faking it with Micola
"No, really, Micola. You made the earth move."
gellaho
"She tried to murder me, but whatever"
FancyShark
Also, they fired a fart cannon at the bus she was on and she nearly drowned
If she still works with him, you're probably not getting through
gellaho
Again
FancyShark
Of course. Why don't soldiers remember that when drone strikes hit?
gellaho
The fart rocket wizzed on Joe
FancyShark
It's okay, scram-jet gun. It happens to everybody sometime
gellaho
He seems like a real moron
FancyShark
Yeah. He's just stupid
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Wait, are the elections rigged or does he just not have popular support? The book's said both.
FancyShark
Sacrificing your rival to a volcano has to qualify as rigging the election
gellaho
SMART FART BOMBS
FancyShark
The fart cannon heard them!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Hmm, usually a fart comes out of a crevasse. Interesting reversal here.
gellaho
Fuck 'em
FancyShark
lol, is Umberto the entire resistance?
gellaho
Maybe
FancyShark
Umberto, if you can't recruit even one other person, maybe revolutionary isn't your calling?
gellaho
Not the fart cannon!
FancyShark
Oh fuck! A falling flaming fart cannon!
gellaho
The fire was put out by the flammable material
FancyShark
Umberto sucks
gellaho
Sure, sure
FancyShark
"Yes, I'm trying to overthrow him, but he told me he wanted goats on every bus"
gellaho
I guess the government has been overthrown
FancyShark
Yes. How much damage could a deposed military leader do with explosives and no one to stop him?
gellaho
What has a revolution ever done, Umberto? Don't ask the Americans, they'll only tell you lies
FancyShark
I think a murderer could lead if you just got security that couldn't be thwarted by two teenagers
gellaho
Lol
FancyShark
Nevermind. Tension over
gellaho
America needs this for our whoopee cushion technology
FancyShark
What a sheepish CIA operative
gellaho
I'm sure what Joe felt was "admiration"
FancyShark
The answer is too graphic for this kind of book
gellaho
Oops
FancyShark
Ooo, yeah. Discipli- that's not what she meant and I'm sorry
gellaho
NOOOUUUNNNSSS
FancyShark
So we're fine with the guy that's been hostage for days driving with one other person?
gellaho
We ain't gonna help
FancyShark
Fix your own damn country
gellaho
Tha End
FancyShark
hahaha, Carlos is a prince and has a separate house for his shoes
Wait. Didn't he play soccer for, like, a day?
Doesn't matter, I guess. Joe's going home with blue balls
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm): Peak of Danger
FancyShark
That was a silly one. Very fun
Thanks as always, @gellaho
gellaho
So concludes another episode of the Book Cage
FancyShark
So without Photon, what you thinking of for next week?
gellaho
Not sure
It's either going back to The Reluctant Sorcerer series or something else
FancyShark
hoo boy, Reluctant Sorcerer. We need to bring reinforcements for that one
Looking forward to it anyway. Have a good night everybody!
Emergency Bunny Cerril
Book Cage! 🎵 Gell-a-ho's Book Cage! 🎵
Proxy: Not A Vampire
be sure to tune in this Sunday for Proxy's Comic Cage (not in any way affiliated with Gellaho's Book Cage)
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
that reminds me what happened to conan night last night?
John
Two things happened. One, I genuinely forgot to do it. Second, I'm kinda burned out. The book is almost too good to do the way I've been doing. Not as much fun as Gellaho's reads. I put up a page and everyone agrees it's pretty good.
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
lol gotcha
totally understand dude, it's all good
John
I may start Thursday Comic Night again, but I'll need to find some insane one shots if I can't figure out a better method.
gellaho
You flatter me, sir
John
I know you didn't start this on purpose, but you just have a natural ability to present the books as you read them. I'm really just aping (sorry) your style, and it doesn't work for comics. And the one time I did a novel it was a 300 page beast with an overly-complicated plot.
Gentleman Brendan
Boy you can really tell where the artist used photoreference and where it's from imagination.
Budd Dwyer Thought
this is a book that starts with a kid getting shocked by a frayed wire during a skins vs. shirts high school basketball game
