gellaho
🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) Poll Time 🚨
It's a previous loser poll. Which of these late series books shall be read? Vote via reaction.
🧙♀️ #98 - Murder by Magic
🐱 #101 - Peak of Danger
🏦 #102 - Wrong Side of the Law
33: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #101: Peak of Danger Franklin W. Dixon
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When you rise to the pinnacle of freedom, you always risk a descent into madness.
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Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
This is another really hard one
I am going Peak of Danger because I am curious as to how they manage to get sacrificed by aztecs
problematic fox Djonin
He's diabetic and he's eating a single mango
This reminds me of when my dad had to pick me up from a furry convention.
gellaho
I'm amazed they were let back into Latin America
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
maybe they werent and this is what happens when you try to sneak back in
problematic fox Djonin
"You knew the rules when you jumped the fence, gringo.”
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
I need to see the Hardy's become bad guys. Need the Wrong Side of the Law
gellaho
The people have spoken! And by a narrow margin, we will be reading The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #101: Peak of Danger. Will this middle manager be sacrificed to ancient gods? How often will the gang switch from being called Los Lobos Blancos to the White Wolves? Will Joe somehow survive a volcanic eruption? The answers to these questions will be revealed Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway Pin this to prevent yourself from becoming a human sacrifice to the ancient gods worshipped by a South American gang
FancyShark
I hope they speak South American or it's going to get weird
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Straight from the mean streets of Ames, Iowa
FancyShark
Maybe they'll meet the President of South America
gellaho
Nothing good comes from Ames
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Also @gellaho I'm going to need this Hardy Boys to be good after what I just dealt with. I hope the group chose wisely
gellaho
Here's your preview, brought to you by the Ames Public Library
gellaho
Coming up in 1.5 hours
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
THE BLOOD OF KINGS HAS BEEN WITHDRAWN FEOM THE AMES PUBLIC LIBRARY
FancyShark
Is it better or worse that they made up the god and civilization they're talking about?
gellaho
I can guarantee it's because of the dictator
They didn't want to choose a real place in South America and give them a dictator
Derpbat
In fairness, it's a Hardy Boys book. Their grasp of geography was probably always a bit flakey.
gellaho
Time to begin
FancyShark
"Fat James Woods has been abducted by Kitty and Mr. Squawk. Are you a bad enough dude to save him?"
gellaho
I really don't like that these books are so often from Joe's perspective
FancyShark
You have to assume the reader starts knowing nothing, so Joe's perfect
gellaho
Coach Jordan seems like a real asshole
gellaho
If it's a "summer session" and Frank is 18, shouldn't he have already graduated?
FancyShark
Frank graduated. He just won't leave.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahaha "he's brown and speaks Spanish so he has to be Native American "
FancyShark
Great job warning the kid, Frank
gellaho
Bad choice for a crush, Carlos
FancyShark
Oh Carlos, you sweet, naive boy
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
"In my country, shoulder claps are foreplay”
FancyShark
"We operate on parakeet rules"
gellaho
In my country indeed
FancyShark
"Our toes are crushed and in constant pain"
Carlos is actually from Boise, Idaho, but he knows Americans don't know shit about geography
gellaho
Joe is into Carlos
FancyShark
I'm so nervous for them!
gellaho
You telling me Payumac ain't real?
FancyShark
I seen a feller from Payoomack jus' the uther day, buyin' hisself a canoe
gellaho
Capitalizing Shirts and Skins makes it so weird
FancyShark
Short for Redshirts and- no, nevermind
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Wait, Franklin, please explain how shirts and skins works
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Um, they're called the Shirts Football Team now
FancyShark
"Well," he began after wiping drool from his chin...
gellaho
The sexual tension is palpable
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
"You see, the 'shirts' are named for the unif-" CONK
FancyShark
Show him that barefoot magic, Carlos. Do it.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
So far this is the horniest Hardy boys book yet
FancyShark
Easily
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
More like the Hard Boys amirite
FancyShark
Heyooo
gellaho
Murder attempt #1: electrocution
FancyShark
On the floor and moaning, just like in Joe's dreams
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Yes, the electrical cable is why Carlos was on the wet shower floor moaning
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
FancyShark
gellaho
Well, he doesn't need his shoulder to play soccer
FancyShark
"But his hair..."
"DAMN THE HAIR!"
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Coach Jim Jordan will work on that shoulder, don't you worry boys
FancyShark
Tonight, on a very special Hardy Boys...
gellaho
"Only someone of Frank's intelligence could deduce this"
FancyShark
The Home Alone kid is brought in for questioning
gellaho
Who could have done this?
FancyShark
"Next you're going to say you don't trust the doctor in the sweat-stained van to check you for lumps"
gellaho
James Bond over here
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Lol
FancyShark
hahaha
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
"HA HA HA I AM EVIL MAN”
FancyShark
It flashes that card on the monitor like a silent movie
gellaho
I guess he's still there for some reason
FancyShark
Danny Trejo, fresh from the Desperado set
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
But also, his first instinct when he sees a random kid is "I need to kill this kid”?
gellaho
"Let's see if he buys it"
FancyShark
Duh. He's an electrician
gellaho
I guess so
FancyShark
But Frank would never forget the chemistry he felt that moment
gellaho
I wish Carlos would hurry up, I'm cold
FancyShark
Carlos, you can do better
gellaho
"I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MY INTERESTS" - Joe
FancyShark
"Sure, once they find enough skin grafts"
BlueAmaranth
carlos talks like the alien robot guy from the laser tag book
gellaho
Book 100 sounds like a hoot
FancyShark
It couldn't replace the girls that had been driving the van, but silver linings
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
THE INSURANCE MONEY
gellaho
Carlos must have had a wild phone call
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Maybe he just really likes Van Art
FancyShark
"When I hang up, you have 60 seconds to get to the next phone or I kill your family"
gellaho
BEGINNING VAN POWERING UP SEQUENCE
FancyShark
Frank's heart raced. Was fate giving him another chance? Dared he dream it was?
BlueAmaranth
there's definitely something sus about carlos's parents, maybe the electrician is actually the good guy
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They're taking a big risk putting something as explosive as a computer in their creepy van.
FancyShark
Also, who the hell has a company van for Electro-Wizard and DOESN'T paint a wizard on it?
gellaho
FancyShark
Joe is thirsty in this book
Budd Dwyer Thought
Yo, Carlos!
gellaho
Joe's playing hardball
FancyShark
That's right, Joe. Reeeel him in
BlueAmaranth
damn, joe
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahaha
BlueAmaranth
carlos: i don't want to go back to the hospital
joe: how about i leave you to die in the road
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Better do what he says Carlos
gellaho
"Joe couldn't understand why Carlos wouldn't share his feelings"
FancyShark
"You selfish bitch"
Carlos is doing really well for having been electrocuted in the shower earlier
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
"You better start showing me some gratitude” joe said as he undid his belt
gellaho
"We've known each other for several hours, you've seen me without my shirt on, we're basically family"
BlueAmaranth
"learn from each other "lmao
FancyShark
We promised to learn from each other. IN EVERY WAY
lol, dangit, swooped
BlueAmaranth
also
"they tied my father like a pig and told my mother i was dead"
"brutal, dude"
joe is so good at navigating difficult conversations
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Oh man that's sucks Carlos take off your shit
FancyShark
"That totally bites, me amigo"
gellaho
In my country, the police do not have badges, but high school graduation rings
gellaho
BlueAmaranth
are his parents in the Resistance
FancyShark
The FBI does not care about this
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Our dictator was born into the influential Jostens Family
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This seems more like a job for the state department than the Hardys.
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
that was what I was thinking
But at the same time, the Hardys have already personally busted more druglords and ghosts than the federal government
John
Sorry I'm late, but I'm all caught up now. Looks like we've got a good one this week.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
What you've missed so far:
- A sexy South American soccer player has captivated Joe
FancyShark
Then he was electrocuted and ran out of the hospital after a phone call
gellaho
"Your language is hard for me. I only understand words like campaign, malfunction, and casualties"
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
I love that they are doing that hack writer thing that hack writers always do for characters who speak a foreign language where the character says something in a foreign language and then says what it means in English
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
- the country of Paycuas or some shit is run by the Jostens family and all the secret police have the same class rings
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
"They are called Los Lobos Blancos... the White Wolves..."
Ahahaha
they did it again
FancyShark
He's hoping to get elected over the current dictator?
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
"Instituto de la Paz... or The Peace Institute"
FancyShark
That...that's not how dictatorships work
gellaho
"They decided to have the World Cup in a South American country with a dictator during an election year, they figured nothing could go wrong"
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
I mean Putin wins an election every few years so maybe?
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
I mean... Brazil 1950
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Sure, the opposition somehow ends up dead every time
Also isn't this years World Cup being held in a country where they don't allow women to read?
FancyShark
Missouri?
gellaho
"My father based his campaign on our divine right to lead"
Gentleman Brendan
PLAYER 3 HAS ENTERED THE FIGHT
gellaho
"When the Spanish invaded, they didn't try very hard with names"
FancyShark
Joe is thirsty for swarthy Carlos. Carlos has been electrocuted by one of the military police from his country's dictator's army.
Carlos is now telling us how his country is terrible
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Right next to El Piqueño, which was also my nickname at the Peace Institute
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
Surprised he didn't say "El Gigante... the gigantic"
Gentleman Brendan
joe is attracted to pain like a moth to a really bright light that is also pain
gellaho
Ezra Collig
FancyShark
Every room comes with a Chief
It's super awkward
Gentleman Brendan
"as you can see, my friends, the panther god is no mere myth. In his name, thousands of my countrymen were killed. Though I do have a clearly established line to the throne, it is my hope that free and proper elections will--KIZZAAHHHHHHH" Carlos cut off, electrocuted again by the people's choice.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
You know it's coming, yet here it is again
gellaho
The striking features of the fake ethnicity
FancyShark
"Also huge leathery wings sprouting from her forehead"
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
My name is Ezra Collig... I was injured in the line of duty... I lost several of the consonants in my name
gellaho
This ghost writer decided that Joe is hungry for men
FancyShark
"If you do know Spanish, I should explain what we meant during the drive"
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
BlueAmaranth
so collig is definitely getting shot
and i bet it's gonna be a cliffhanger, like, the author is gonna think we forgot about the bulletproof vest
and everyone's gonna be like "noooooo, not beloved character chief ezra collig"
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
I'm going to predict that this is Chekhov's Vest and it will never come up again
FancyShark
Or he'll get shot somewhere other than the torso and it'll be a clue that they knew he had the vest
gellaho
I bet this small town chief has this under control
Budd Dwyer Thought
I just realised that any adaptation of A Confederacy of Dunces would have to really exaggerate Ignatius's physical repulsiveness because in 1970 only 1% of the US adult population was severely obese
FancyShark
"On the back it continues 'Oh no. He's got us. Oh lord, help us.', then a bunch of screaming"
Budd Dwyer Thought
and only 0.6% of men
gellaho
Here is your snack update
FancyShark
Joe, the last time you went for a snack, your boytoy ran away
Gentleman Brendan
Senora Copac dresses like a toucan but Frank would if he could.
gellaho
Tsotal the God of the volcano, responsible for earthquakes
FancyShark
The writer stared at their box of Total. "What would be a good Aztec-y god name?"
Gentleman Brendan
He doesn't sound evil. He sounds Tsotally rad.
...too slow, mcginley. too slow.
FancyShark
Fire Cthulhu does sound badass
gellaho
The Electro-Wizard van has returned. Uh oh
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Oh shit that vest sucks shit
FancyShark
Collig's head is like a crushed pumpkin, but hey, he had a vest!
BlueAmaranth
this is such a classic way to make up a fictional culture's myths. "what if they just describe a real-world phenomenon with a metaphor"
gellaho
"Frank had the memory of a goldfish"
BlueAmaranth
also wow i didn't expect collig to get shot this soon, i thought they would at least wait a few chapters for everyone to forget about the vest
FancyShark
@BlueAmaranth , just showing off
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
Oh no, he got shot again
Now he is Chief Coli
Gentleman Brendan
It's only rated against Saturday night specials.
gellaho
"But he's MINE!"
FancyShark
hahahaha
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
One more shooting until he has to change his profession to Chef
Gentleman Brendan
A scientist invented kevlar and some other scientist immediately got to work like "Now if I teflon coat these bullets, mmmmaaayyybe...."
FancyShark
"Hands off, skanks"
Gentleman Brendan
Is the theory that he loses a letter with every bullet?
gellaho
NYPD says, fuck this kid
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Up until now he only loses consonants so this would be a slight deviation from the working theory. But yes
FancyShark
Eventually, he'll only be able to introduce himself by saying he's the person he's talking to
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
Yeah I made a joke earlier is his last name is Collig because he lost some consonants in the line of duty
gellaho
They decide to get their parents involved in this dangerous situation
FancyShark
No need to let your dad try to anticipate a threat
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
"That depends, how thicc is his mom?”
Gentleman Brendan
The Hardy Boys can solve anything except why their mom left.
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
At this point when their dad gets a call he should just be like "Drugs, Ghosts, or Thieves"
FancyShark
"Soccer was fine. I met a luscious prince. Can we invite him and his foreigny mom to dinner?"
gellaho
She's still there, she's just very dumb
gellaho
"Why do you have to make a phone call about the international fugitives during dinner?"
FancyShark
Phone Calls: Enders Of Marriages!
gellaho
This is impossible for the police chief to accomplish
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
how did he manage to do all of that with one phone call
FancyShark
Aunt Gertrude is busy brokering a heroin deal with the Taliban
FancyShark
That operator is a fucking prodigy
gellaho
With what, Frank? Your psychic powers?
FancyShark
Colli tweets all his arrests
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
No one would know to look for Carlos at the house of those two kids he knows that constantly are getting into ridiculous crimes
gellaho
"Wow."
FancyShark
"Golly"
gellaho
Ahuh
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
wow that aged well
BlueAmaranth
why didn't he just shoot the dad
FancyShark
Dad doesn't have an FBI friend
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
Theres nothing we can do about foreign nationals coming into our country and kidnapping them either
FancyShark
Seems weird that criminals would want to immigrate here if they get immunity through the consulate
gellaho
Their mom wants these two dead
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahahahaha
Amazing
FancyShark
"I haven't fucked my husband in over a decade. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE."
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
holy shit
gellaho
"When has the United States ever interfered in Latin America, Joe? NEVER!"
Gentleman Brendan
Laura feels it's been long enough since the insurance policy was upgraded.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
The CIA: famous for not interfering in Latin America
Gentleman Brendan
I wouldn't either if it risked bringing forth the prophesied Third Hardy.
Chet Hardy. The Hardy we do not speak of.
FancyShark
He's in the cellar. The one with no door.
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
Honestly at this point I would be pretty sure the CIA helped arrange the kidnapping
gellaho
"We will barter this soccer ball for clean clothes"
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
BlueAmaranth
they definitely hid something inside the soccer ball
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
Am I the only one who is positive the property brothers kiss each other on the lips
FancyShark
Carlos
FancyShark
You are not
gellaho
"I will remember you for when I return, flight attendant" - Joe
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That police department seems pretty blase about their chief being lit up with a submachine gun.
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
He lost so many letters he disapeared
FancyShark
"That Chief. What a party animal!"
gellaho
Hey, it's the guy from Dead of Night
FancyShark
EEEEE!!!!
ASSASSINS!!!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They can't explain what happened because they can't communicate what happened to their chief with no letters in his name.
FancyShark
WE'RE GETTING ASSASSINS!
gellaho
"It's a character we remember once every 20 books or so"
FancyShark
Oh, damn, right. He's a good guy. Don't play with my heart, Dixon!
gellaho
I've only ever seen him once. And there ended up being fake clones and pendulums and drugs and ghosts and dwarves
Gentleman Brendan
They say a man dies two deaths. The second is when he passes from this realm. The first is when he runs out of letters in his name and gets greyed out like a video game character so that everyone forgets him.
FancyShark
It was the greatest idiot plot ever. I crave more.
gellaho
Hardcore
FancyShark
Sweet
It's like a teardrop tattoo, but it can be sized by a jeweler
gellaho
"Carlos, my love, no!"
Gentleman Brendan
seems like it would make more sense to wear badges until you kill, then you have a ring sized for your finger for life, but what do I know, I'm just the wildly successful head of a Turkish international syndicate.
FancyShark
Carlos is tired from their pre-flight passion
Gentleman Brendan
He has placed his everything in Carlos.
gellaho
FancyShark
HAHAHA
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
fuck me
gellaho
So yeah, this is definitely supposed to be Peru
FancyShark
Wait, Pacific?
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
I am getting more Chile vibes with the whole dictator election thing
Gentleman Brendan
Your naked Gigante looks mighty Chile
...too slow, McGinley. Too, too slow.
gellaho
I'm basing it off the Ixilans = Incans and the west coast