53: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #13 The Borgia Dagger Franklin W. Dixon

#13 The Hardy Boys Casefiles

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An ancient curse always overstays its welcome.

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gellaho

🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) Poll Time 🚨

As we exit Ladies' Month, this time we're featuring covers featuring ladies. Vote with the matching reaction

🗡️ #13 - The Borgia Dagger

♟️ #43 - Strategic Moves

🏜️ #49 - Dirty Deeds

gellaho

Just some supreme Joe in these

Derpbat

I'm going for Borgia, because I want to see how early some of this madness got established.

gellaho

Look at this beautiful picture of Joe shitting himself

gellaho

Glorious

FancyShark

I guarantee it was there from the start

FancyShark

This made it a difficult choice. Chose the dagger because I've never seen a woman cling to Frank

Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics

I like the car picture

So🏜️

gellaho

This week it's back to the boys: The Hardy Boys. An ancient curse has caused Tessa Carpenter to mistakenly ask two high school boys to be her bodyguards. How many stabbings will Joe survive? Will Callie Shaw be jealous of Frank's new admirer or will his sexlessness ease her woes? How much has Joe currently soiled his pants? We will answer these questions and more this Friday, 5pm eastern, with The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #13: The Borgia Dagger.

gellaho
gellaho

@Brockway pin this, or else you will have this face

Brockway

I wish, look at that jawline.

gellaho

It's really baffling that those two are brothers

FancyShark

Have we considered Frank is doing a Make A Wish thing for Joe and Joe's just too stupid to die?

gellaho

The fact that the artist doesn't even attempt to make them look related is a choice

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Fun fact, the dagger in the picture isn't even the Borgia dagger

I don't know if that's true but it feels truthy

gellaho

Fun fact: those two circular hoops near the base represent testicles

Also probably not true, but an unread book is full of possibilities

gellaho

Well, it's too bad for Jole(?), but here is your preview for The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #13: The Borgia Dagger. Starting on the next hour

FancyShark

Four months is a pretty generous amount of time for a curse

gellaho

It's mine now, Raj Mani

gellaho

It's a much lazier Ring

The dagger will get around to it, eventually

But now it just wants a nap

FancyShark

"One point three fiscal quarterrrrrs!"

Proxy: Not A Vampire

the phone rings and a sinister voice says "eventually"

FancyShark

"On the To-Do List"

gellaho

That Joe is just wonderful

FancyShark

"Maybe, if we don't move, the murderer won't see us"

<shines flashlight>

gellaho

We begin with Frank overreacting to poison ivy

FancyShark

Callie Mk 4, based on the book number

Frank's nervous because Callie 3 exploded after touching poison ivy

Derpbat

Callie Mk 4 is one of those blessed souls who have never touched poison ivy.

She would later die after eating a manchineel apple.

gellaho

Just then: SHAKESPEARE ATTACK

FancyShark

Thank you for mansplaining the most famous line from Hamlet, Frank

gellaho

Shakespeare Suicide is the name of my next album

FancyShark

And a production of Shakespeare in the Park is ruined

Derpbat

Okay, so... Callie Mk 4 did not get through high school English.

gellaho

Two things kids love: Hamlet and Suicidal Old Men

Derpbat

And Frank is JUST IN TIME.

He's the hero we need AND deserve.

FancyShark

"WHO COULD POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN DRAWN BY MY LOUD AND DECLARATIVE SUICIDE RANT?"

Gentleman Brendan

Oh, you're a really GEEKY girl? You like Shakespeare? Prove it, fake fan; what scene and act are the suicide soliloquy in Hamlet?

FancyShark

Welcome to Frank Ruins A Play, @Gentleman Brendan !

Or stops a lunatic

But I'm still betting on play

gellaho

Frank proceeds to save the old man by destroying the bridge and sending the old man into the drink

FancyShark

That's our Frank

Gentleman Brendan

It was necessary to destroy the old man in order to save him.

--Evangelicals

I kid, I kid.

--Vietnam vets

Derpbat

Frank went to Vietnam. He did not come back as he left.

Dammit, Brendan.

gellaho

"Save me!" cried the old man as he swung his knife around haphazardly

FancyShark

Sorry, buddy. That's not the line.

Derpbat

I always thought the reason Callie was with Frank was because she had a fetish for danger.

Turns out she may just be kind of dumb.

Better luck with Callie Mk. 5, Frank!

gellaho

Hot

FancyShark

Dude's a total amateur, dropping character just cuz he's drowning

Derpbat

That's rude. Look, you're a crazy old man trying to commit suicide on a rickety bridge.

You tell me you can do better than Frank.

I don't think you can.

gellaho

Very surprising that the high school students aren't familiar with the old Shakespearean actor

Derpbat

Of course, the real reason Frank knows resuscitation and can perform it expertly without timing is because every couple of days Joe does something that gets himself knocked unconscious.

FancyShark

Chet would recognize Tyrone Grant

No, wait

Sausage

Chet would recognize sausage

gellaho

Famous ladies' men are film editors

Derpbat

If your career was doing well enough to be known to a high school... I want to say quarterback... and Bayport's dumbest female mammal, you wouldn't be trying to kill yourself, Tyrone.

Let's not pretend.

FancyShark

Looks like someone got cut out of the marriage

Derpbat

Frank was a quarterback, right?

FancyShark

Frank is a robot that knows karate

Derpbat

Right, a quarterback.

gellaho

Grant seems pleasant

Derpbat

Dude, you asked them to help you.

What, were you only going to commit suicide by dagger?

AWFUL PICKY.

gellaho

Frank is a huge nerd

FancyShark

Callie must be used to having middle aged men sob in her car

Derpbat

Okay, so according to wiki the original Hardy Boys Frank was a high school quarterback and captain of the football team.

FancyShark

That's OG

This is 90's, dawg

gellaho

It was 70 years before this was written

Gentleman Brendan

I've dated enough drama majors to know this is an accurate depiction

Derpbat

Roger that.

gellaho

Not as much

Derpbat

Thirty miles an hour? In a school zone?

FancyShark

oh damn, Callie's going HAM

Derpbat

CALLIE, NO! REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO CALLIE MK. 1!

gellaho

Hardy Boys avoiding danger nested

FancyShark

YES

Go, Callie!

Derpbat

Somewhere, Joe knows his brother is at risk of losing his very life.

And he feels an intense jealousy.

FancyShark

He thinks "..."

Derpbat

I think it's very nice of you to call what Joe does thinking.

gellaho

Check the redhead box

FancyShark

"I don't want to kill us, Mr. Grant. But my hands are tied."

Tight jumpsuit, you say?

Derpbat

Frank never remembers a face.

A female body in a tight jumpsuit, though?

FancyShark

Not even the ones he keeps

Derpbat

That he'd know in the dark.

Gentleman Brendan

Riverdale crossover!

gellaho

The redhead's mobile phone is broken in a very specific way

Gentleman Brendan

Having a car phone in 1990 was a VERY B.D. Wong.

Derpbat

It's funny because it never actually worked, she's just trying to get more money from the Hardy family.

FancyShark

Plot Static was common in that era

gellaho

Personality magazine

Derpbat

Look, Miss... Tessa, is it? You're the one who drove your expensive convertible into Riverdale. Did you not see the signs?

You're just lucky it was Frank Hardy and not Joe Hardy.

FancyShark

Traits magazine would later demolish the competition

gellaho

Now they're driving her to the museum. For some reason. The old dude's going too

Derpbat

Good save, Tessa. Frank is actually remembering your centerfold interview in 'Body' Magazine.

FancyShark

This is the prologue where we get each party member's little intro skit

Derpbat

Wait, is Frank driving now? Wasn't Callie driving?

gellaho

I'm sure Personality is very into the art world

FancyShark

Because when you own a museum, you can just take stuff

Derpbat

Did Frank suddenly realize that Callie had begun to experience clone degeneration and could not drive?

gellaho

Probably didn't want to drive after the accident

Derpbat

Or that, I guess.

FancyShark

The irony of Frank reading Personality

gellaho

Why won't you let us keep your paintings in our flammable museum!?

Gentleman Brendan

This is an insane afternoon even by the hardiest standards

FancyShark

Albert thinks he has some pull with Tessa just because she lets him smell her feet

Derpbat

Okay, so... Frank has to think he's dead, right?

He's dead, and this is what his hell looks like.

Gentleman Brendan

This is ONE hour of their lives!

gellaho

Ruppenthal is having a real one

FancyShark

It's nice that Grant's suicide attempt is being treated with the gravity it deserves

Derpbat

It's a weird madcap series of events that make no sense and got in the way of him having a makeout session with his girlfriend in the woods, AND there's an antsy pretty rich girl being a bitch who took over their afternoon, AND a suicidal actor.

...and now that.

And Frank can't even throw Joe into the mix as a distraction and escape out the back.

Then come back in and pretend he was helping.

FancyShark

Workmen are all on a hair-trigger, it seems

gellaho

He fell asleep under a blanket

It's a museum rumble

gellaho
gellaho

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

Gentleman Brendan

Workmen vs. Museum archivists, let's see some betting action.

Derpbat

Joe is just feeling weirder and weirder.

First there was that sense he was missing out on a near death experience.

And now he has this urge to throw a punch and he doesn't know why.

FancyShark

Joe can't use a payphone. Frank got him that Fisher Price one to keep him occupied.

Gentleman Brendan

At the end of the series, Frank fiinds out Joe blew up Callie.

Derpbat

Frank, are you wearing Joe's underwear by mistake?

Gentleman Brendan

"She was trying to come between us, brother."

gellaho

Here comes the Hardy Mobile.

Derpbat

Is Joe trying to use a computer somewhere, increasingly baffled and frustrated?

FancyShark

Officer Riley, the most exasperated cop in fiction

gellaho

Joe instantly after the new blood

FancyShark

Woman...threat?

gellaho

Now, this ogling is impressive, because of what happens next

FancyShark

explosion?

gellaho

Grant has impressive speed

FancyShark

Holy shit!

gellaho

Grant has to kill someone, and if it's not himself it's someone else

FancyShark

It's okay, Tessa. Just call yourself Ophelia and he'll leave you alone.

Gentleman Brendan

A Cop Named Con: A Hardyverse Expanded World Mystery

gellaho

Grant has been tormented by this child apparently

Derpbat

Okay, I did not see that coming.

Gentleman Brendan

What a roundabout way of describing a strangling.

Derpbat

I should have.

But I didn't.

I legitimately let myself think these two strangers were entirely unconnected despite them both appearing in the first pages of a hardy boys book.

I think the appropriate response to this is seppuku.

FancyShark

Grant is giving negging a try

Gentleman Brendan

How badly can an 18-year-old, even a rich one, ruin an old man's life?

she can't wreck his marriage

He has no career and no assets.

FancyShark

Well...you ever see The Wizard?

Derpbat

Dude, you're a 70 year old retired actor and she's an 18 year old rich girl. If you're allowing your life to be made worse by her, the problem is on you.

gellaho

Riley is very excited to meet this washed up attempted murderer

gellaho
Derpbat

Oh, Riley.

You are a one.

gellaho

Grant's a biter

FancyShark

Joe is going to turn into another Grant when the moon is full

Derpbat

I feel like Joe should be used to violence being directed at him just for turning up.

gellaho

This book is all over the damn place

FancyShark

Mr. Squinder. At last, we meet.

Derpbat

So he's not a famous Shakespearean actor?

gellaho

Coming this Fall: Thespian Butler and the Rich Heir

Derpbat

I'm so confused.

FancyShark

This is only book 13! How is it going off the rails this quickly?

Derpbat

I expected this to happen at some point, but not this early in the book.

FancyShark

This is a long walk to "rich family dealing with cursed dagger"

Unless suicidal thespian butler is a trope I haven't noticed before?

gellaho

He's a Shakespearean theater actor that took a butler gig, but is still famous enough to warrant cameo appearances in horror movies

Gentleman Brendan

Treating Grant just peachy for a man who strangles almost-children.

gellaho

I couldn't imagine something more straightforward

Gentleman Brendan

Oh shit, this is inverted Batman.

Derpbat

As confused as I am, it's comforting to know that Joe never had any of this explained to him and probably never will.

gellaho

Cassie is having a great day

Derpbat

Callie, this is your chance to escape.

I strongly recommend you take it.

Gentleman Brendan

"I raised her from a tot! She wouldn't even be strangulable if it were not for I, the theatris dramaturge GRANT!"

gellaho

How often does Alfred attempt suicide?

FancyShark

I, too, like to throw parties to celebrate package deliveries. It makes them feel appreciated.

gellaho

Grant's on a bi-monthly schedule

Gentleman Brendan

Every time he tells Batman he can't do something.

FancyShark

This idiot strangles her every few months?!

Derpbat

What I'm getting from this is Frank should have ignored him.

And just gone forward to his date with Callie.

FancyShark

Grant: the only person to be blacklisted by the suicide hotline

gellaho

Joe could have waited for his brother to explain this mixup, but his boner wouldn't let him

Derpbat

It's not going to be a thing between them now, but years in the future Callie will hit him with a frying pan and they will both know why.

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Is this the same Callie as in the other books or do these guys only date Callies?

I swear they use that name every other book

FancyShark

It's the same Callie if you count clones

Derpbat

Joe. No. I know you can't control yourself, but no.

gellaho

Well it's Frank's girlfriend the entire time, so that would make sense

FancyShark

But, Wombat. REDHEAD

gellaho

Joe is the one with the vaporized girlfriend

Who was then quasi-cloned

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Ah yeah that scans

FancyShark

oh right

Derpbat

This isn't like object permanence or self-preservation. Joe, you need to not get involved with...

Gentleman Brendan

How many teens have drowned trying to save his little cries for attention?

Derpbat

Three.

gellaho

Smooth operator

Gentleman Brendan

Shark is right, of course.

Derpbat

Yeah.

Redhead trumps everything.

Gentleman Brendan

Art party at a mansion, or...hear me out, this new movie called THE BURBS just arrived at the cineplex

FancyShark

Frank has the biggest fight bearing down on him and no idea how ill-equipped he is

Derpbat

Callie is having the weirdest day.

FancyShark

Callie should have married her true love: Chet

Derpbat

Frank may actually escape just because she can't process any of this.

gellaho

Oh, Joe, you always know just the right things to say to remind me how I hate you

Derpbat

In the 1930s continuum, did Joe sound like he was from the 1870s?

FancyShark

"Joe, it smells like an ox died in there. Will you please FLUSH"

gellaho

Sick headline

gellaho
FancyShark

Religious and military leaders are never murderers, of course

Gentleman Brendan

Chet might not be blandly handsome but there's something to be said for sausage pizza on a tuesday instead of kidnappings at brunch

Derpbat

Okay, so. First, there is no way Joe pronounces Borgia correctly.

gellaho

BOY DETECTIVE THROWS DEADLY PERSONALITY MAGAZINE!

Derpbat

Frank, don't inflict violence on your brother.

FancyShark

Frank narrowly dodges Personality!

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Frank knows he's about to get a dry handsky in the back of the theatre tonight so he's pumped

FancyShark

I mean, Joe!

Derpbat

It's what he wants.

gellaho

Classic castle porch

Derpbat

Bayport, America's castle city.

Gentleman Brendan

Frank moves to stop Joe from breaking covenant: they agreed they would show no personality.

FancyShark

The portcullis is wreathed in solicitors and salesmen. As a warning.

gellaho

Eighteen, huh

Derpbat

I'm pretty sure Frank also looks like he stepped out of a movie.

FancyShark

Good ol' Harley "Glass Teeth" Welles

gellaho

Great joke, Dr Realname

Gentleman Brendan

People who have savoir-faire at 18 are scary.

Like we get it, you're dating your Columbia professor after she said you ought to be the one teaching this class.

gellaho

The siren song of snacks

FancyShark

Joe, you're here for the redhead. Please focus.

Derpbat

I totally believe the person with access to the prescription pad is Tessa's best friend.

Gentleman Brendan

This is my kind of party.

gellaho

I think this book is fucking with me

Gentleman Brendan

No, those were a popular thing at the time.

Derpbat

Glass cases aren't the coolest things ever?

News to me.

FancyShark

If this was a movie, it would look like the costume department just used whatever they could find

Gentleman Brendan

'80s hair bands wore them and then the natural brown leather ones took over the trend.

gellaho

At fancy evening gown parties? Worn by Muffys

Gentleman Brendan

Muffy though

Buffy

and

Barbie

gellaho

Anyway, Ruppenthal is trying to start a fancy rumble

gellaho

Why he's here is a mystery

FancyShark

"I say, Muffy. That young rapscallion has been eying the hors d'ouvres for nigh on an hour. Has he never eaten something on a table?"

Nothing like a cursed artifact to get a party going

gellaho

This is how humans talk

Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac

So Muffy and Rumstiltskin are now marked for death?

Derpbat

I assume he's there to be the murder victim.

FancyShark

Tessa then picks her teeth with it, just to twist his nads

gellaho

Deadly hors d'oeuvres

gellaho

I hope the lights come on and Ruppenthal is strangling her

FancyShark

Then, the disco lights

Derpbat

Man, I hope there's a dead body.

Gentleman Brendan

You have to own it AND touch it AND piss off Grant

gellaho

Instead the statue died

FancyShark

NOT THE STATUE!

Gentleman Brendan

I mean it's from Hannibal's time, I'd cry too.

FancyShark

They turn around to see the buffet table empty and Joe comatose on the floor

Derpbat

Yeah, no notes.

FancyShark

Wait, "edged with concern"?

That's it?

gellaho

Gather round children, and read about the adventures of the Hardy Boys!

Derpbat

Albert is just an actual human being who somehow wandered into the orbit of Tessa, and now it's intersected with the Hardies.

FancyShark

Poor Albert. Run while you can

Derpbat

So... That's how they cover the actual stories about the Borgia family.

Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac

It's all he can muster when there are so many food distractions in the room

gellaho

Kids love systematic murder of the downtrodden

Derpbat

Not a bad tactic.

I have to admit I was kind of hoping they'd cover Lucrezia and Cesare.

FancyShark

Statue's busted. Perfect time for a story.

gellaho

Hey,why are the children crying?

Derpbat

Making up a whole new Borgia whose only crime is murder is a good evasive maneuver.

What.

FancyShark

Look, you have a better way to store bodies, I'd like to hear it