gellaho
🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) Poll Time 🚨
As we exit Ladies' Month, this time we're featuring covers featuring ladies. Vote with the matching reaction
🗡️ #13 - The Borgia Dagger
♟️ #43 - Strategic Moves
🏜️ #49 - Dirty Deeds
53: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #13 The Borgia Dagger Franklin W. Dixon
Tags:
An ancient curse always overstays its welcome.
Archive
gellaho
Just some supreme Joe in these
Derpbat
I'm going for Borgia, because I want to see how early some of this madness got established.
gellaho
Look at this beautiful picture of Joe shitting himself
gellaho
Glorious
FancyShark
I guarantee it was there from the start
FancyShark
This made it a difficult choice. Chose the dagger because I've never seen a woman cling to Frank
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
I like the car picture
So🏜️
gellaho
This week it's back to the boys: The Hardy Boys. An ancient curse has caused Tessa Carpenter to mistakenly ask two high school boys to be her bodyguards. How many stabbings will Joe survive? Will Callie Shaw be jealous of Frank's new admirer or will his sexlessness ease her woes? How much has Joe currently soiled his pants? We will answer these questions and more this Friday, 5pm eastern, with The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #13: The Borgia Dagger.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway pin this, or else you will have this face
Brockway
I wish, look at that jawline.
gellaho
It's really baffling that those two are brothers
FancyShark
Have we considered Frank is doing a Make A Wish thing for Joe and Joe's just too stupid to die?
gellaho
The fact that the artist doesn't even attempt to make them look related is a choice
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Fun fact, the dagger in the picture isn't even the Borgia dagger
I don't know if that's true but it feels truthy
gellaho
Fun fact: those two circular hoops near the base represent testicles
Also probably not true, but an unread book is full of possibilities
gellaho
Well, it's too bad for Jole(?), but here is your preview for The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #13: The Borgia Dagger. Starting on the next hour
FancyShark
Four months is a pretty generous amount of time for a curse
gellaho
It's mine now, Raj Mani
gellaho
It's a much lazier Ring
The dagger will get around to it, eventually
But now it just wants a nap
FancyShark
"One point three fiscal quarterrrrrs!"
Proxy: Not A Vampire
the phone rings and a sinister voice says "eventually"
FancyShark
"On the To-Do List"
gellaho
That Joe is just wonderful
FancyShark
"Maybe, if we don't move, the murderer won't see us"
<shines flashlight>
gellaho
We begin with Frank overreacting to poison ivy
FancyShark
Callie Mk 4, based on the book number
Frank's nervous because Callie 3 exploded after touching poison ivy
Derpbat
Callie Mk 4 is one of those blessed souls who have never touched poison ivy.
She would later die after eating a manchineel apple.
gellaho
Just then: SHAKESPEARE ATTACK
FancyShark
Thank you for mansplaining the most famous line from Hamlet, Frank
gellaho
Shakespeare Suicide is the name of my next album
FancyShark
And a production of Shakespeare in the Park is ruined
Derpbat
Okay, so... Callie Mk 4 did not get through high school English.
gellaho
Two things kids love: Hamlet and Suicidal Old Men
Derpbat
And Frank is JUST IN TIME.
He's the hero we need AND deserve.
FancyShark
"WHO COULD POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN DRAWN BY MY LOUD AND DECLARATIVE SUICIDE RANT?"
Gentleman Brendan
Oh, you're a really GEEKY girl? You like Shakespeare? Prove it, fake fan; what scene and act are the suicide soliloquy in Hamlet?
FancyShark
Welcome to Frank Ruins A Play, @Gentleman Brendan !
Or stops a lunatic
But I'm still betting on play
gellaho
Frank proceeds to save the old man by destroying the bridge and sending the old man into the drink
FancyShark
That's our Frank
Gentleman Brendan
It was necessary to destroy the old man in order to save him.
--Evangelicals
I kid, I kid.
--Vietnam vets
Derpbat
Frank went to Vietnam. He did not come back as he left.
Dammit, Brendan.
gellaho
"Save me!" cried the old man as he swung his knife around haphazardly
FancyShark
Sorry, buddy. That's not the line.
Derpbat
I always thought the reason Callie was with Frank was because she had a fetish for danger.
Turns out she may just be kind of dumb.
Better luck with Callie Mk. 5, Frank!
gellaho
Hot
FancyShark
Dude's a total amateur, dropping character just cuz he's drowning
Derpbat
That's rude. Look, you're a crazy old man trying to commit suicide on a rickety bridge.
You tell me you can do better than Frank.
I don't think you can.
gellaho
Very surprising that the high school students aren't familiar with the old Shakespearean actor
Derpbat
Of course, the real reason Frank knows resuscitation and can perform it expertly without timing is because every couple of days Joe does something that gets himself knocked unconscious.
FancyShark
Chet would recognize Tyrone Grant
No, wait
Sausage
Chet would recognize sausage
gellaho
Famous ladies' men are film editors
Derpbat
If your career was doing well enough to be known to a high school... I want to say quarterback... and Bayport's dumbest female mammal, you wouldn't be trying to kill yourself, Tyrone.
Let's not pretend.
FancyShark
Looks like someone got cut out of the marriage
Derpbat
Frank was a quarterback, right?
FancyShark
Frank is a robot that knows karate
Derpbat
Right, a quarterback.
gellaho
Grant seems pleasant
Derpbat
Dude, you asked them to help you.
What, were you only going to commit suicide by dagger?
AWFUL PICKY.
gellaho
Frank is a huge nerd
FancyShark
Callie must be used to having middle aged men sob in her car
Derpbat
Okay, so according to wiki the original Hardy Boys Frank was a high school quarterback and captain of the football team.
FancyShark
That's OG
This is 90's, dawg
gellaho
It was 70 years before this was written
Gentleman Brendan
I've dated enough drama majors to know this is an accurate depiction
Derpbat
Roger that.
gellaho
Not as much
Derpbat
Thirty miles an hour? In a school zone?
FancyShark
oh damn, Callie's going HAM
Derpbat
CALLIE, NO! REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO CALLIE MK. 1!
gellaho
Hardy Boys avoiding danger nested
FancyShark
YES
Go, Callie!
Derpbat
Somewhere, Joe knows his brother is at risk of losing his very life.
And he feels an intense jealousy.
FancyShark
He thinks "..."
Derpbat
I think it's very nice of you to call what Joe does thinking.
gellaho
Check the redhead box
FancyShark
"I don't want to kill us, Mr. Grant. But my hands are tied."
Tight jumpsuit, you say?
Derpbat
Frank never remembers a face.
A female body in a tight jumpsuit, though?
FancyShark
Not even the ones he keeps
Derpbat
That he'd know in the dark.
Gentleman Brendan
Riverdale crossover!
gellaho
The redhead's mobile phone is broken in a very specific way
Gentleman Brendan
Having a car phone in 1990 was a VERY B.D. Wong.
Derpbat
It's funny because it never actually worked, she's just trying to get more money from the Hardy family.
FancyShark
Plot Static was common in that era
gellaho
Personality magazine
Derpbat
Look, Miss... Tessa, is it? You're the one who drove your expensive convertible into Riverdale. Did you not see the signs?
You're just lucky it was Frank Hardy and not Joe Hardy.
FancyShark
Traits magazine would later demolish the competition
gellaho
Now they're driving her to the museum. For some reason. The old dude's going too
Derpbat
Good save, Tessa. Frank is actually remembering your centerfold interview in 'Body' Magazine.
FancyShark
This is the prologue where we get each party member's little intro skit
Derpbat
Wait, is Frank driving now? Wasn't Callie driving?
gellaho
I'm sure Personality is very into the art world
FancyShark
Because when you own a museum, you can just take stuff
Derpbat
Did Frank suddenly realize that Callie had begun to experience clone degeneration and could not drive?
gellaho
Probably didn't want to drive after the accident
Derpbat
Or that, I guess.
FancyShark
The irony of Frank reading Personality
gellaho
Why won't you let us keep your paintings in our flammable museum!?
Gentleman Brendan
This is an insane afternoon even by the hardiest standards
FancyShark
Albert thinks he has some pull with Tessa just because she lets him smell her feet
Derpbat
Okay, so... Frank has to think he's dead, right?
He's dead, and this is what his hell looks like.
Gentleman Brendan
This is ONE hour of their lives!
gellaho
Ruppenthal is having a real one
FancyShark
It's nice that Grant's suicide attempt is being treated with the gravity it deserves
Derpbat
It's a weird madcap series of events that make no sense and got in the way of him having a makeout session with his girlfriend in the woods, AND there's an antsy pretty rich girl being a bitch who took over their afternoon, AND a suicidal actor.
...and now that.
And Frank can't even throw Joe into the mix as a distraction and escape out the back.
Then come back in and pretend he was helping.
FancyShark
Workmen are all on a hair-trigger, it seems
gellaho
He fell asleep under a blanket
It's a museum rumble
gellaho
gellaho
FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
Gentleman Brendan
Workmen vs. Museum archivists, let's see some betting action.
Derpbat
Joe is just feeling weirder and weirder.
First there was that sense he was missing out on a near death experience.
And now he has this urge to throw a punch and he doesn't know why.
FancyShark
Joe can't use a payphone. Frank got him that Fisher Price one to keep him occupied.
Gentleman Brendan
At the end of the series, Frank fiinds out Joe blew up Callie.
Derpbat
Frank, are you wearing Joe's underwear by mistake?
Gentleman Brendan
"She was trying to come between us, brother."
gellaho
Here comes the Hardy Mobile.
Derpbat
Is Joe trying to use a computer somewhere, increasingly baffled and frustrated?
FancyShark
Officer Riley, the most exasperated cop in fiction
gellaho
Joe instantly after the new blood
FancyShark
Woman...threat?
gellaho
Now, this ogling is impressive, because of what happens next
FancyShark
explosion?
gellaho
Grant has impressive speed
FancyShark
Holy shit!
gellaho
Grant has to kill someone, and if it's not himself it's someone else
FancyShark
It's okay, Tessa. Just call yourself Ophelia and he'll leave you alone.
Gentleman Brendan
A Cop Named Con: A Hardyverse Expanded World Mystery
gellaho
Grant has been tormented by this child apparently
Derpbat
Okay, I did not see that coming.
Gentleman Brendan
What a roundabout way of describing a strangling.
Derpbat
I should have.
But I didn't.
I legitimately let myself think these two strangers were entirely unconnected despite them both appearing in the first pages of a hardy boys book.
I think the appropriate response to this is seppuku.
FancyShark
Grant is giving negging a try
Gentleman Brendan
How badly can an 18-year-old, even a rich one, ruin an old man's life?
she can't wreck his marriage
He has no career and no assets.
FancyShark
Well...you ever see The Wizard?
Derpbat
Dude, you're a 70 year old retired actor and she's an 18 year old rich girl. If you're allowing your life to be made worse by her, the problem is on you.
gellaho
Riley is very excited to meet this washed up attempted murderer
gellaho
Derpbat
Oh, Riley.
You are a one.
gellaho
Grant's a biter
FancyShark
Joe is going to turn into another Grant when the moon is full
Derpbat
I feel like Joe should be used to violence being directed at him just for turning up.
gellaho
This book is all over the damn place
FancyShark
Mr. Squinder. At last, we meet.
Derpbat
So he's not a famous Shakespearean actor?
gellaho
Coming this Fall: Thespian Butler and the Rich Heir
Derpbat
I'm so confused.
FancyShark
This is only book 13! How is it going off the rails this quickly?
Derpbat
I expected this to happen at some point, but not this early in the book.
FancyShark
This is a long walk to "rich family dealing with cursed dagger"
Unless suicidal thespian butler is a trope I haven't noticed before?
gellaho
He's a Shakespearean theater actor that took a butler gig, but is still famous enough to warrant cameo appearances in horror movies
Gentleman Brendan
Treating Grant just peachy for a man who strangles almost-children.
gellaho
I couldn't imagine something more straightforward
Gentleman Brendan
Oh shit, this is inverted Batman.
Derpbat
As confused as I am, it's comforting to know that Joe never had any of this explained to him and probably never will.
gellaho
Cassie is having a great day
Derpbat
Callie, this is your chance to escape.
I strongly recommend you take it.
Gentleman Brendan
"I raised her from a tot! She wouldn't even be strangulable if it were not for I, the theatris dramaturge GRANT!"
gellaho
How often does Alfred attempt suicide?
FancyShark
I, too, like to throw parties to celebrate package deliveries. It makes them feel appreciated.
gellaho
Grant's on a bi-monthly schedule
Gentleman Brendan
Every time he tells Batman he can't do something.
FancyShark
This idiot strangles her every few months?!
Derpbat
What I'm getting from this is Frank should have ignored him.
And just gone forward to his date with Callie.
FancyShark
Grant: the only person to be blacklisted by the suicide hotline
gellaho
Joe could have waited for his brother to explain this mixup, but his boner wouldn't let him
Derpbat
It's not going to be a thing between them now, but years in the future Callie will hit him with a frying pan and they will both know why.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Is this the same Callie as in the other books or do these guys only date Callies?
I swear they use that name every other book
FancyShark
It's the same Callie if you count clones
Derpbat
Joe. No. I know you can't control yourself, but no.
gellaho
Well it's Frank's girlfriend the entire time, so that would make sense
FancyShark
But, Wombat. REDHEAD
gellaho
Joe is the one with the vaporized girlfriend
Who was then quasi-cloned
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Ah yeah that scans
FancyShark
oh right
Derpbat
This isn't like object permanence or self-preservation. Joe, you need to not get involved with...
Gentleman Brendan
How many teens have drowned trying to save his little cries for attention?
Derpbat
Three.
gellaho
Smooth operator
Gentleman Brendan
Shark is right, of course.
Derpbat
Yeah.
Redhead trumps everything.
Gentleman Brendan
Art party at a mansion, or...hear me out, this new movie called THE BURBS just arrived at the cineplex
FancyShark
Frank has the biggest fight bearing down on him and no idea how ill-equipped he is
Derpbat
Callie is having the weirdest day.
FancyShark
Callie should have married her true love: Chet
Derpbat
Frank may actually escape just because she can't process any of this.
gellaho
Oh, Joe, you always know just the right things to say to remind me how I hate you
Derpbat
In the 1930s continuum, did Joe sound like he was from the 1870s?
FancyShark
"Joe, it smells like an ox died in there. Will you please FLUSH"
gellaho
Sick headline
gellaho
FancyShark
Religious and military leaders are never murderers, of course
Gentleman Brendan
Chet might not be blandly handsome but there's something to be said for sausage pizza on a tuesday instead of kidnappings at brunch
Derpbat
Okay, so. First, there is no way Joe pronounces Borgia correctly.
gellaho
BOY DETECTIVE THROWS DEADLY PERSONALITY MAGAZINE!
Derpbat
Frank, don't inflict violence on your brother.
FancyShark
Frank narrowly dodges Personality!
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Frank knows he's about to get a dry handsky in the back of the theatre tonight so he's pumped
FancyShark
I mean, Joe!
Derpbat
It's what he wants.
gellaho
Classic castle porch
Derpbat
Bayport, America's castle city.
Gentleman Brendan
Frank moves to stop Joe from breaking covenant: they agreed they would show no personality.
FancyShark
The portcullis is wreathed in solicitors and salesmen. As a warning.
gellaho
Eighteen, huh
Derpbat
I'm pretty sure Frank also looks like he stepped out of a movie.
FancyShark
Good ol' Harley "Glass Teeth" Welles
gellaho
Great joke, Dr Realname
Gentleman Brendan
People who have savoir-faire at 18 are scary.
Like we get it, you're dating your Columbia professor after she said you ought to be the one teaching this class.
gellaho
The siren song of snacks
FancyShark
Joe, you're here for the redhead. Please focus.
Derpbat
I totally believe the person with access to the prescription pad is Tessa's best friend.
Gentleman Brendan
This is my kind of party.
gellaho
I think this book is fucking with me
Gentleman Brendan
No, those were a popular thing at the time.
Derpbat
Glass cases aren't the coolest things ever?
News to me.
FancyShark
If this was a movie, it would look like the costume department just used whatever they could find
Gentleman Brendan
'80s hair bands wore them and then the natural brown leather ones took over the trend.
gellaho
At fancy evening gown parties? Worn by Muffys
Gentleman Brendan
Muffy though
Buffy
and
Barbie
gellaho
Anyway, Ruppenthal is trying to start a fancy rumble
gellaho
Why he's here is a mystery
FancyShark
"I say, Muffy. That young rapscallion has been eying the hors d'ouvres for nigh on an hour. Has he never eaten something on a table?"
Nothing like a cursed artifact to get a party going
gellaho
This is how humans talk
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
So Muffy and Rumstiltskin are now marked for death?
Derpbat
I assume he's there to be the murder victim.
FancyShark
Tessa then picks her teeth with it, just to twist his nads
gellaho
Deadly hors d'oeuvres
gellaho
I hope the lights come on and Ruppenthal is strangling her
FancyShark
Then, the disco lights
Derpbat
Man, I hope there's a dead body.
Gentleman Brendan
You have to own it AND touch it AND piss off Grant
gellaho
Instead the statue died
FancyShark
NOT THE STATUE!
Gentleman Brendan
I mean it's from Hannibal's time, I'd cry too.
FancyShark
They turn around to see the buffet table empty and Joe comatose on the floor
Derpbat
Yeah, no notes.
FancyShark
Wait, "edged with concern"?
That's it?
gellaho
Gather round children, and read about the adventures of the Hardy Boys!
Derpbat
Albert is just an actual human being who somehow wandered into the orbit of Tessa, and now it's intersected with the Hardies.
FancyShark
Poor Albert. Run while you can
Derpbat
So... That's how they cover the actual stories about the Borgia family.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
It's all he can muster when there are so many food distractions in the room
gellaho
Kids love systematic murder of the downtrodden
Derpbat
Not a bad tactic.
I have to admit I was kind of hoping they'd cover Lucrezia and Cesare.
FancyShark
Statue's busted. Perfect time for a story.
gellaho
Hey,why are the children crying?
Derpbat
Making up a whole new Borgia whose only crime is murder is a good evasive maneuver.
What.
FancyShark
Look, you have a better way to store bodies, I'd like to hear it