As we exit Ladies' Month, this time we're featuring covers featuring ladies. Vote with the matching reaction
🗡️ #13 - The Borgia Dagger
♟️ #43 - Strategic Moves
🏜️ #49 - Dirty Deeds
gellaho
Just some supreme Joe in these
Derpbat
I'm going for Borgia, because I want to see how early some of this madness got established.
gellaho
Look at this beautiful picture of Joe shitting himself
gellaho
Glorious
FancyShark
I guarantee it was there from the start
FancyShark
This made it a difficult choice. Chose the dagger because I've never seen a woman cling to Frank
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
I like the car picture
So🏜️
gellaho
This week it's back to the boys: The Hardy Boys. An ancient curse has caused Tessa Carpenter to mistakenly ask two high school boys to be her bodyguards. How many stabbings will Joe survive? Will Callie Shaw be jealous of Frank's new admirer or will his sexlessness ease her woes? How much has Joe currently soiled his pants? We will answer these questions and more this Friday, 5pm eastern, with The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #13: The Borgia Dagger.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway pin this, or else you will have this face
Brockway
I wish, look at that jawline.
gellaho
It's really baffling that those two are brothers
FancyShark
Have we considered Frank is doing a Make A Wish thing for Joe and Joe's just too stupid to die?
gellaho
The fact that the artist doesn't even attempt to make them look related is a choice
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Fun fact, the dagger in the picture isn't even the Borgia dagger
I don't know if that's true but it feels truthy
gellaho
Fun fact: those two circular hoops near the base represent testicles
Also probably not true, but an unread book is full of possibilities
gellaho
Well, it's too bad for Jole(?), but here is your preview for The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #13: The Borgia Dagger. Starting on the next hour
FancyShark
Four months is a pretty generous amount of time for a curse
gellaho
It's mine now, Raj Mani
gellaho
It's a much lazier Ring
The dagger will get around to it, eventually
But now it just wants a nap
FancyShark
"One point three fiscal quarterrrrrs!"
Proxy: Not A Vampire
the phone rings and a sinister voice says "eventually"
FancyShark
"On the To-Do List"
gellaho
That Joe is just wonderful
FancyShark
"Maybe, if we don't move, the murderer won't see us"
<shines flashlight>
gellaho
We begin with Frank overreacting to poison ivy
FancyShark
Callie Mk 4, based on the book number
Frank's nervous because Callie 3 exploded after touching poison ivy
Derpbat
Callie Mk 4 is one of those blessed souls who have never touched poison ivy.
She would later die after eating a manchineel apple.
gellaho
Just then: SHAKESPEARE ATTACK
FancyShark
Thank you for mansplaining the most famous line from Hamlet, Frank
gellaho
Shakespeare Suicide is the name of my next album
FancyShark
And a production of Shakespeare in the Park is ruined
Derpbat
Okay, so... Callie Mk 4 did not get through high school English.
gellaho
Two things kids love: Hamlet and Suicidal Old Men
Derpbat
And Frank is JUST IN TIME.
He's the hero we need AND deserve.
FancyShark
"WHO COULD POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN DRAWN BY MY LOUD AND DECLARATIVE SUICIDE RANT?"
Gentleman Brendan
Oh, you're a really GEEKY girl? You like Shakespeare? Prove it, fake fan; what scene and act are the suicide soliloquy in Hamlet?
FancyShark
Welcome to Frank Ruins A Play, @Gentleman Brendan !
Or stops a lunatic
But I'm still betting on play
gellaho
Frank proceeds to save the old man by destroying the bridge and sending the old man into the drink
FancyShark
That's our Frank
Gentleman Brendan
It was necessary to destroy the old man in order to save him.
--Evangelicals
I kid, I kid.
--Vietnam vets
Derpbat
Frank went to Vietnam. He did not come back as he left.
Dammit, Brendan.
gellaho
"Save me!" cried the old man as he swung his knife around haphazardly
FancyShark
Sorry, buddy. That's not the line.
Derpbat
I always thought the reason Callie was with Frank was because she had a fetish for danger.
Turns out she may just be kind of dumb.
Better luck with Callie Mk. 5, Frank!
gellaho
Hot
FancyShark
Dude's a total amateur, dropping character just cuz he's drowning
Derpbat
That's rude. Look, you're a crazy old man trying to commit suicide on a rickety bridge.
You tell me you can do better than Frank.
I don't think you can.
gellaho
Very surprising that the high school students aren't familiar with the old Shakespearean actor
Derpbat
Of course, the real reason Frank knows resuscitation and can perform it expertly without timing is because every couple of days Joe does something that gets himself knocked unconscious.
FancyShark
Chet would recognize Tyrone Grant
No, wait
Sausage
Chet would recognize sausage
gellaho
Famous ladies' men are film editors
Derpbat
If your career was doing well enough to be known to a high school... I want to say quarterback... and Bayport's dumbest female mammal, you wouldn't be trying to kill yourself, Tyrone.
Let's not pretend.
FancyShark
Looks like someone got cut out of the marriage
Derpbat
Frank was a quarterback, right?
FancyShark
Frank is a robot that knows karate
Derpbat
Right, a quarterback.
gellaho
Grant seems pleasant
Derpbat
Dude, you asked them to help you.
What, were you only going to commit suicide by dagger?
AWFUL PICKY.
gellaho
Frank is a huge nerd
FancyShark
Callie must be used to having middle aged men sob in her car
Derpbat
Okay, so according to wiki the original Hardy Boys Frank was a high school quarterback and captain of the football team.
FancyShark
That's OG
This is 90's, dawg
gellaho
It was 70 years before this was written
Gentleman Brendan
I've dated enough drama majors to know this is an accurate depiction
Derpbat
Roger that.
gellaho
Not as much
Derpbat
Thirty miles an hour? In a school zone?
FancyShark
oh damn, Callie's going HAM
Derpbat
CALLIE, NO! REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO CALLIE MK. 1!
gellaho
Hardy Boys avoiding danger nested
FancyShark
YES
Go, Callie!
Derpbat
Somewhere, Joe knows his brother is at risk of losing his very life.
And he feels an intense jealousy.
FancyShark
He thinks "..."
Derpbat
I think it's very nice of you to call what Joe does thinking.
gellaho
Check the redhead box
FancyShark
"I don't want to kill us, Mr. Grant. But my hands are tied."
Tight jumpsuit, you say?
Derpbat
Frank never remembers a face.
A female body in a tight jumpsuit, though?
FancyShark
Not even the ones he keeps
Derpbat
That he'd know in the dark.
Gentleman Brendan
Riverdale crossover!
gellaho
The redhead's mobile phone is broken in a very specific way
Gentleman Brendan
Having a car phone in 1990 was a VERY B.D. Wong.
Derpbat
It's funny because it never actually worked, she's just trying to get more money from the Hardy family.
FancyShark
Plot Static was common in that era
gellaho
Personality magazine
Derpbat
Look, Miss... Tessa, is it? You're the one who drove your expensive convertible into Riverdale. Did you not see the signs?
You're just lucky it was Frank Hardy and not Joe Hardy.
FancyShark
Traits magazine would later demolish the competition
gellaho
Now they're driving her to the museum. For some reason. The old dude's going too
Derpbat
Good save, Tessa. Frank is actually remembering your centerfold interview in 'Body' Magazine.
FancyShark
This is the prologue where we get each party member's little intro skit
Derpbat
Wait, is Frank driving now? Wasn't Callie driving?
gellaho
I'm sure Personality is very into the art world
FancyShark
Because when you own a museum, you can just take stuff
Derpbat
Did Frank suddenly realize that Callie had begun to experience clone degeneration and could not drive?
gellaho
Probably didn't want to drive after the accident
Derpbat
Or that, I guess.
FancyShark
The irony of Frank reading Personality
gellaho
Why won't you let us keep your paintings in our flammable museum!?
Gentleman Brendan
This is an insane afternoon even by the hardiest standards
FancyShark
Albert thinks he has some pull with Tessa just because she lets him smell her feet
Derpbat
Okay, so... Frank has to think he's dead, right?
He's dead, and this is what his hell looks like.
Gentleman Brendan
This is ONE hour of their lives!
gellaho
Ruppenthal is having a real one
FancyShark
It's nice that Grant's suicide attempt is being treated with the gravity it deserves
Derpbat
It's a weird madcap series of events that make no sense and got in the way of him having a makeout session with his girlfriend in the woods, AND there's an antsy pretty rich girl being a bitch who took over their afternoon, AND a suicidal actor.
...and now that.
And Frank can't even throw Joe into the mix as a distraction and escape out the back.
Then come back in and pretend he was helping.
FancyShark
Workmen are all on a hair-trigger, it seems
gellaho
He fell asleep under a blanket
It's a museum rumble
gellaho
gellaho
FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
Gentleman Brendan
Workmen vs. Museum archivists, let's see some betting action.
Derpbat
Joe is just feeling weirder and weirder.
First there was that sense he was missing out on a near death experience.
And now he has this urge to throw a punch and he doesn't know why.
FancyShark
Joe can't use a payphone. Frank got him that Fisher Price one to keep him occupied.
Gentleman Brendan
At the end of the series, Frank fiinds out Joe blew up Callie.
Derpbat
Frank, are you wearing Joe's underwear by mistake?
Gentleman Brendan
"She was trying to come between us, brother."
gellaho
Here comes the Hardy Mobile.
Derpbat
Is Joe trying to use a computer somewhere, increasingly baffled and frustrated?
FancyShark
Officer Riley, the most exasperated cop in fiction
gellaho
Joe instantly after the new blood
FancyShark
Woman...threat?
gellaho
Now, this ogling is impressive, because of what happens next
FancyShark
explosion?
gellaho
Grant has impressive speed
FancyShark
Holy shit!
gellaho
Grant has to kill someone, and if it's not himself it's someone else
FancyShark
It's okay, Tessa. Just call yourself Ophelia and he'll leave you alone.
Gentleman Brendan
A Cop Named Con: A Hardyverse Expanded World Mystery
gellaho
Grant has been tormented by this child apparently
Derpbat
Okay, I did not see that coming.
Gentleman Brendan
What a roundabout way of describing a strangling.
Derpbat
I should have.
But I didn't.
I legitimately let myself think these two strangers were entirely unconnected despite them both appearing in the first pages of a hardy boys book.
I think the appropriate response to this is seppuku.
FancyShark
Grant is giving negging a try
Gentleman Brendan
How badly can an 18-year-old, even a rich one, ruin an old man's life?
she can't wreck his marriage
He has no career and no assets.
FancyShark
Well...you ever see The Wizard?
Derpbat
Dude, you're a 70 year old retired actor and she's an 18 year old rich girl. If you're allowing your life to be made worse by her, the problem is on you.
gellaho
Riley is very excited to meet this washed up attempted murderer
gellaho
Derpbat
Oh, Riley.
You are a one.
gellaho
Grant's a biter
FancyShark
Joe is going to turn into another Grant when the moon is full
Derpbat
I feel like Joe should be used to violence being directed at him just for turning up.
gellaho
This book is all over the damn place
FancyShark
Mr. Squinder. At last, we meet.
Derpbat
So he's not a famous Shakespearean actor?
gellaho
Coming this Fall: Thespian Butler and the Rich Heir
Derpbat
I'm so confused.
FancyShark
This is only book 13! How is it going off the rails this quickly?
Derpbat
I expected this to happen at some point, but not this early in the book.
FancyShark
This is a long walk to "rich family dealing with cursed dagger"
Unless suicidal thespian butler is a trope I haven't noticed before?
gellaho
He's a Shakespearean theater actor that took a butler gig, but is still famous enough to warrant cameo appearances in horror movies
Gentleman Brendan
Treating Grant just peachy for a man who strangles almost-children.
gellaho
I couldn't imagine something more straightforward
Gentleman Brendan
Oh shit, this is inverted Batman.
Derpbat
As confused as I am, it's comforting to know that Joe never had any of this explained to him and probably never will.
gellaho
Cassie is having a great day
Derpbat
Callie, this is your chance to escape.
I strongly recommend you take it.
Gentleman Brendan
"I raised her from a tot! She wouldn't even be strangulable if it were not for I, the theatris dramaturge GRANT!"
gellaho
How often does Alfred attempt suicide?
FancyShark
I, too, like to throw parties to celebrate package deliveries. It makes them feel appreciated.
gellaho
Grant's on a bi-monthly schedule
Gentleman Brendan
Every time he tells Batman he can't do something.
FancyShark
This idiot strangles her every few months?!
Derpbat
What I'm getting from this is Frank should have ignored him.
And just gone forward to his date with Callie.
FancyShark
Grant: the only person to be blacklisted by the suicide hotline
gellaho
Joe could have waited for his brother to explain this mixup, but his boner wouldn't let him
Derpbat
It's not going to be a thing between them now, but years in the future Callie will hit him with a frying pan and they will both know why.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Is this the same Callie as in the other books or do these guys only date Callies?
I swear they use that name every other book
FancyShark
It's the same Callie if you count clones
Derpbat
Joe. No. I know you can't control yourself, but no.
gellaho
Well it's Frank's girlfriend the entire time, so that would make sense
FancyShark
But, Wombat. REDHEAD
gellaho
Joe is the one with the vaporized girlfriend
Who was then quasi-cloned
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Ah yeah that scans
FancyShark
oh right
Derpbat
This isn't like object permanence or self-preservation. Joe, you need to not get involved with...
Gentleman Brendan
How many teens have drowned trying to save his little cries for attention?
Derpbat
Three.
gellaho
Smooth operator
Gentleman Brendan
Shark is right, of course.
Derpbat
Yeah.
Redhead trumps everything.
Gentleman Brendan
Art party at a mansion, or...hear me out, this new movie called THE BURBS just arrived at the cineplex
FancyShark
Frank has the biggest fight bearing down on him and no idea how ill-equipped he is
Derpbat
Callie is having the weirdest day.
FancyShark
Callie should have married her true love: Chet
Derpbat
Frank may actually escape just because she can't process any of this.
gellaho
Oh, Joe, you always know just the right things to say to remind me how I hate you
Derpbat
In the 1930s continuum, did Joe sound like he was from the 1870s?
FancyShark
"Joe, it smells like an ox died in there. Will you please FLUSH"
gellaho
Sick headline
gellaho
FancyShark
Religious and military leaders are never murderers, of course
Gentleman Brendan
Chet might not be blandly handsome but there's something to be said for sausage pizza on a tuesday instead of kidnappings at brunch
Derpbat
Okay, so. First, there is no way Joe pronounces Borgia correctly.
gellaho
BOY DETECTIVE THROWS DEADLY PERSONALITY MAGAZINE!
Derpbat
Frank, don't inflict violence on your brother.
FancyShark
Frank narrowly dodges Personality!
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Frank knows he's about to get a dry handsky in the back of the theatre tonight so he's pumped
FancyShark
I mean, Joe!
Derpbat
It's what he wants.
gellaho
Classic castle porch
Derpbat
Bayport, America's castle city.
Gentleman Brendan
Frank moves to stop Joe from breaking covenant: they agreed they would show no personality.
FancyShark
The portcullis is wreathed in solicitors and salesmen. As a warning.
gellaho
Eighteen, huh
Derpbat
I'm pretty sure Frank also looks like he stepped out of a movie.
FancyShark
Good ol' Harley "Glass Teeth" Welles
gellaho
Great joke, Dr Realname
Gentleman Brendan
People who have savoir-faire at 18 are scary.
Like we get it, you're dating your Columbia professor after she said you ought to be the one teaching this class.
gellaho
The siren song of snacks
FancyShark
Joe, you're here for the redhead. Please focus.
Derpbat
I totally believe the person with access to the prescription pad is Tessa's best friend.
Gentleman Brendan
This is my kind of party.
gellaho
I think this book is fucking with me
Gentleman Brendan
No, those were a popular thing at the time.
Derpbat
Glass cases aren't the coolest things ever?
News to me.
FancyShark
If this was a movie, it would look like the costume department just used whatever they could find
Gentleman Brendan
'80s hair bands wore them and then the natural brown leather ones took over the trend.
gellaho
At fancy evening gown parties? Worn by Muffys
Gentleman Brendan
Muffy though
Buffy
and
Barbie
gellaho
Anyway, Ruppenthal is trying to start a fancy rumble
gellaho
Why he's here is a mystery
FancyShark
"I say, Muffy. That young rapscallion has been eying the hors d'ouvres for nigh on an hour. Has he never eaten something on a table?"
Nothing like a cursed artifact to get a party going
gellaho
This is how humans talk
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
So Muffy and Rumstiltskin are now marked for death?
Derpbat
I assume he's there to be the murder victim.
FancyShark
Tessa then picks her teeth with it, just to twist his nads
gellaho
Deadly hors d'oeuvres
gellaho
I hope the lights come on and Ruppenthal is strangling her
FancyShark
Then, the disco lights
Derpbat
Man, I hope there's a dead body.
Gentleman Brendan
You have to own it AND touch it AND piss off Grant
gellaho
Instead the statue died
FancyShark
NOT THE STATUE!
Gentleman Brendan
I mean it's from Hannibal's time, I'd cry too.
FancyShark
They turn around to see the buffet table empty and Joe comatose on the floor
Derpbat
Yeah, no notes.
FancyShark
Wait, "edged with concern"?
That's it?
gellaho
Gather round children, and read about the adventures of the Hardy Boys!
Derpbat
Albert is just an actual human being who somehow wandered into the orbit of Tessa, and now it's intersected with the Hardies.
FancyShark
Poor Albert. Run while you can
Derpbat
So... That's how they cover the actual stories about the Borgia family.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
It's all he can muster when there are so many food distractions in the room
gellaho
Kids love systematic murder of the downtrodden
Derpbat
Not a bad tactic.
I have to admit I was kind of hoping they'd cover Lucrezia and Cesare.
FancyShark
Statue's busted. Perfect time for a story.
gellaho
Hey,why are the children crying?
Derpbat
Making up a whole new Borgia whose only crime is murder is a good evasive maneuver.
What.
FancyShark
Look, you have a better way to store bodies, I'd like to hear it
Derpbat
👏
gellaho
Come on kids, it's a fun mystery!
gellaho
MURDER
Derpbat
Okay, so that's pretty cool.
FancyShark
Poverty and wretchedness is even in the DSM-IV
gellaho
The author realizes that this might have been a mistake for the children's book, but corrections are for the weak
Derpbat
We all know how mutilated and bleeding homeless people can drag themselves up the stairs, overpower a fit man, and then carve the letter B into his forehead before dying.
FancyShark
Sure, it's their signature move
Derpbat
Still, Ruppenthal survived, so I'm now adjusting my expectations.
gellaho
Grant's back with a new weapon
Derpbat
Hey, Grant!
Put the gun down before Joe hurts you.
FancyShark
Edwin Squinder, the name of terror itself
Derpbat
He's probably going to hurt you anyway, but if you don't have the gun it's going to be less embarrassing.
Gentleman Brendan
He elaborates at length to prove he's a real historian and not a conman.
gellaho
These threats of violence are such a nuisance
FancyShark
Grant really doesn't know how police work, does he?
gellaho
My neck hurts from this tonal whiplash
Derpbat
What.
Jesus Christ.
How many pages are we in?
gellaho
42
FancyShark
hahaha
Gentleman Brendan
Grant is a John Cleese character.
gellaho
And with that, Grant has done what he came to do
FancyShark
holy shit, he is
Derpbat
Oh my God, is the ghost writer on Speed?
gellaho
Well, no shit Frank
FancyShark
I think the writer mixed a few pages together from two different stories
gellaho
Some snacking will solve this relationship
FancyShark
hahaha, a man has attempted murder twice
Derpbat
Callie may actually be perfect for Frank.
Thirty years later she's running a true crime podcast.
But in the 90s this is the only way to get that sweet, sweet murder energy.
gellaho
Sure is weird no one would want to go to the museum after 60% of it was taken away
FancyShark
"We still have a picture. And a jar. COME BAAAACK!"
The gift shop is really gonna need to step up their game
gellaho
It's been one day, Ruppenthal
Derpbat
Is it?
I'm pretty sure that's not how any of that works.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
"We have, like, a bunch of stuff, but they're all cursed so we put up this curtain for your protection. There are many interesting and rare objects behind it. We swear."
FancyShark
Museums are a house of cards
gellaho
Hey kids, here's ten thousand dollars to convince another child to do something
gellaho
That's not weird, right?
Derpbat
I was really hoping to hear how it's illegal.
Gentleman Brendan
Fruit juice and ham. We used to call those pantybombs in college.
Derpbat
You're not filling me with confidence.
FancyShark
"Also, here's another ten thousand to convince her her panties were destroyed by the washing machine."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Maybe you wouldn't be in danger of folding if you stopped giving stacks of cash to teenagers.
Derpbat
Al, did she pull the art because you're obviously unstable?
Because that's fair.
gellaho
Joe, legal expert
Derpbat
Joe has standards.
He only takes bribes to do legal things.
FancyShark
"We're saying bend over the desk, Albert"
Derpbat
He's not very smart.
gellaho
He claims to have a 30 year old agreement for the museum to hold the art forever
Derpbat
Oh, right.
Gentleman Brendan
This is actually fine. They're not Tessa's contractors and so it's not a bribe so much as hiring them for marketing services.
gellaho
He'd just be paying you to do something
Derpbat
You know what may have worked? Offering Tessa the money.
I assume he tried that, though.
gellaho
"That neighbor tried to bribe me to mow his lawn"
FancyShark
If you didn't feel like bribery, you could also inform the newspapers that a rich heiress decided to use a priceless artifact to serve appetizers
gellaho
"My grandfather bribed me to clear his driveway!"
Derpbat
As you do.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
I am very unclear what illegal thing Joe thinks Al wants them to do. Does he think this was all a euphemism for murder? Card sharking? Racketeering?
gellaho
Joe's goldfish brain strikes again
gellaho
FancyShark
Joe only remembers red hair and snacks
gellaho
Nerd
FancyShark
Quicken?
Gentleman Brendan
Victorian houses always ramble
Gentleman Brendan
I considered myself more of a Frank till now.
Derpbat
Man, their father is making his public servant salary go far.
Gentleman Brendan
Or like...fit/fat Chet
gellaho
All that software is unnecessary, as dad comes rumbling in
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
God, when I read "joe drove up to the Hardy's" I thought they were getting some fast food. Joe is not having a good influence on my brain.
Derpbat
Maybe that's a mystery you two should solve.
... She's been shot?
Gentleman Brendan
I can't think of a sadder credential than "They ran to their computerized crime lab, which also doubled as Frank's bedroom."
Derpbat
And you're sending your sons?
FancyShark
"Who's Tessa Carpenter?"
"DAMMIT, JOE!"
Derpbat
Who met her yesterday?
Gentleman Brendan
This is a new Franklin W. Dixon, and he does not fuck around.
Hot damn! Joe found another person with an indestructible skull!
Derpbat
Not everyone is going to be Steven King.
Ouch. Sorry, everyone.
Sorry.
gellaho
Fenton meant "there was a shot near Tessa"
FancyShark
"And then he shot me!"
gellaho
And the twists keep coming
Derpbat
Tessa survives things that should severely injure her so often, she's obviously Joe's soul mate.
What.
What?
What.
FancyShark
This policewoman is really jaded
Derpbat
Sure, Dixon.
Why not.
🤗 Jesus, you take the wheel.
I'm just going to witness this.
gellaho
Just breathe
"Why I'm not taking her in for questioning is a question for another day"
gellaho
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
"Someone was just shot and the murderer is on the loose. Better send my kids to deal with it. I've got hangovers to start." —Fenton Hardy
FancyShark
"And don't you dare get people to give you an alibi!"
gellaho
Is this not another "bribe" boys?
FancyShark
uh oh, Tessa
Derpbat
Well if the plan was to increase the number of people who want you dead.
FancyShark
Don't piss off the girl that spits in the face of Death
Derpbat
Good work.
gellaho
Callie is losing it
Derpbat
Maybe she hopes all the murderers will get in each other's way.
FancyShark
Joe and Frank, like all pros, wait for their dad to get a phone call with a lead
Derpbat
In fairness to Callie, Frank, you let Joe investigate.
gellaho
10/10 book writing, no notes
Derpbat
What.
FancyShark
Joe can read!
Derpbat
Is this a thing? Arsenic on shelves in clearly labeled bottles? Was there a period where that was necessary?
FancyShark
It was the best day ever!
gellaho
World's greatest doctor
gellaho
Derpbat
Look, all those years in kindergarten paid off for him.
Gentleman Brendan
You see, this is why we don't let women be doctors anymore.
Poison is women's preferred method of murder.
gellaho
Olds can't kill, everyone knows that
Derpbat
Okay, a weirdly escalating series of attempts at accidentally killing Tessa does seem to be happening.
Gentleman Brendan
When a MALE doctor wants to kill you, he shoots you and then makes it look like you were born with a congenital bullet wound.
FancyShark
"Age is a myth"
Callie's cover for her Highlander identity is in trouble
gellaho
Callie Shaw possessive high schooler
gellaho
FancyShark
"It's because I asked you about the strap-on, isn't it, Frank!?"
gellaho
She's a real keeper, Frank
Gentleman Brendan
Jealous to the point of insanity.
FancyShark
Squinder has attempted murder and suicide, Callie. That's not what slaves-
oh, wait
gellaho
Why would she need to pay the museum for the statue she owns?
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Joe's reaction to arsenic was the same as Frank's to poison ivy.
FancyShark
Ownership disputes are what I think of when a book promises "cursed ancient dagger"
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
For a museum curator, he seems really ignorant of the meaning of the term "on loan"
gellaho
Joe wondered if this ancient dagger contains any electronics
Gentleman Brendan
Repair, maybe?
Gentleman Brendan
It's like how much of Star Wars was predicated on trade contracts.
In that both were plainly erroneous.
FancyShark
Well, Joe touched the dagger. Only four months to live.
gellaho
Joe discovers the bat cave
FancyShark
Suddenly, Grant appears and charges at him with a halberd.
gellaho
And, as expected, falls into a cavernous abyss
FancyShark
Falling into a hole is Joe's element
gellaho
Alas, Joe is an immortal and cannot die
FancyShark
It was a step, wasn't it?
gellaho
A very elaborate path to the basement
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Sure, this creepy door tried to kill you, but I'm sure the other one is fine. Step through it recklessly and maybe with your eyes closed this time why not?
FancyShark
The deadfall is because Tessa's family hates the utility guys
gellaho
Meanwhile: Tessa wants Frank's chastity
FancyShark
Callie was right!
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Oh god, "let me give you a massage" was "let's fuck" when I was in high school.
gellaho
It's real unfortunate our suspects are an old suicidal man, an old doctor lady, and a fat guy
Derpbat
Also, Callie.
The only person caught with means and opportunity.
Hmmmm.
FancyShark
Callie gets implicated a lot, I just realized
Derpbat
Hmmmm.
gellaho
Uh oh
FancyShark
...go on
Derpbat
Dammit Tessa.
FancyShark
Gotta respect how chill Tessa's being through all the murder attempts
Derpbat
They're trying to protect you from the scores of people who are trying to kill you.
Stop distracting them by making Callie want to kill her boyfriend, too.
gellaho
Her relationship with her man servant is weird
Derpbat
Man, I hope Harley is chill about Tessa flirting with Frank.
FancyShark
Tessa's life is the opening ten minutes of every 90's softcore porn
Derpbat
18 year old rich guys are chill about that, right?
gellaho
FUCK YES
gellaho
Derpbat
Welp.
FancyShark
YEEESSSS
Derpbat
Joe knows the electrical current is running.
He turned it on.
gellaho
Joe died as he lived, grabbing his crotch
FancyShark
ugh, belly flops are the worst
Derpbat
Man, that's... actually a very fitting way for Frank to remember Joe forever.
Just belly-flopping into danger.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Holding his crotch
gellaho
That is lucky Joe
Gentleman Brendan
Tessa lives every day like it was already her last.
gellaho
Only the best anticlimaxes for the Hardy Boys
FancyShark
okay, fuck you, Dixon
gellaho
Joe is great at flirting
FancyShark
If electricity operated on luck, there wouldn't be a whole procedure to the electric chair
Derpbat
Joe lives entirely in the moment.
And in the present moment, a redhead is in a one piece bathing suit. So who cares that he nearly died?
FancyShark
Red and orange stripes? I didn't realize we were swimming in WHORE country
Derpbat
Also, Joe has no object permanence or sense of consequences and probably has come to the entirely rational conclusion that he can't actually be killed.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Joe is a really dumb golden retriever puppy
gellaho
Frank goes with Callie to investigate Grant/Squinder
And instantly becomes 80 years old
Derpbat
That's a fight that Joe should win.
FancyShark
The unsettling, rich lothario vs an unkillable flesh golem
Derpbat
Joe is everything Tessa's ever wanted in a boyfriend. One who's constantly surprised by how pretty she is and can be turned off by putting a blanket over his head.
gellaho
It's nice of the dog to wait until they could read the sign
FancyShark
oh, Joe. You only learned A's, didn't you?
Derpbat
I think we should applaud Frank for not just going to the logical conclusion immediately.
He had to explore the possibility the sign said 'Boware of Dug.'
gellaho
Frank sociopath confirmed
gellaho
Unfortunately, Joe is still at the mansion
Derpbat
Frank is considering replacing Joe with the dog.
FancyShark
oh jeez. Joe can read better than Frank?
Derpbat
The dog can play fetch. If you throw a ball, Joe reacts like a cat.
gellaho
Good sleuthing, everyone
Derpbat
Hmmm... yeah, that's the logical conclusion.
FancyShark
"But wait! What could he be trying to communicate?"
Derpbat
It's not like the guy is involved in an industry where shooting means something entirely different.
Gentleman Brendan
Joke's on you all, they find Grant in an alley doping up
gellaho
This is a weird, wonderful sequence of events. And you should not miss any of it
gellaho
Lovely
FancyShark
I think I need to sit down after that
Derpbat
That is wonderful.
Gentleman Brendan
Joe didn't notice all the lights and cameras
Derpbat
Frank.
gellaho
Instead of dope, he's shooting up the mall
Derpbat
Joe's still at the mansion.
Gentleman Brendan
No, Frank noticed. He just didn't CARE.
But Joe was following. And Joe had tunnel vision.
gellaho
Joe is still at the mansion
Gentleman Brendan
That's what Joe wants you and Harley to think.
FancyShark
Frank being worse at reading than Joe has thrown me completely off-kilter
gellaho
But Callie is there, and she doesn't want to live if she can't have Frank
FancyShark
The rules of this world are being rewritten
Grant is thrown over the balcony to his death
Derpbat
If this is actually a filmshoot of some time, the 90s were weirdly chill about this.
Because today Squinder would be full of at least fifty different bullets.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
"Bearded man" is hack for "production crew member"
FancyShark
Back then, you could witness a full murder spree before the director yelled "cut"
gellaho
J/k entertainment and snacks
Derpbat
And now Callie becomes a film star.
Gentleman Brendan
BOOM
She's blowing up
FancyShark
If youtube existed in the 90s, "idiot ruins mall filming" would be breaking so many records
Derpbat
Frank's total disinterest is working out worse for him than usual.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
She would have enough money she wouldn't need Frank and his fancy sleuthing van
gellaho
"How dare you bother me! After I told you I was suicidal and had no money. And no job. And found a job this morning somehow. And after I kept threatening murder!"
gellaho
"How dare you!"
FancyShark
"The very nerve!"
Derpbat
Squindler, buddy, while I admit it's nice of this random production crew to hire you, are you sure this is the right job?
gellaho
Seriously, dude was threatening to kill himself with a knife one day ago because he had no work
Derpbat
Isn't he a kind of squirrely looking older dude?
FancyShark
I'm glad we skipped Squindler's casting couch session
Derpbat
Back in the 90s was that how we liked our mass shooters?
Because it doesn't feel that plausible now.
FancyShark
Mass shooters were more a novelty until the late 90s
gellaho
THE VERY NERVE!
Derpbat
Man, this guy has a persecution complex that...
actually feels like an entirely logical response to the events of the last week.
FancyShark
Squind, dude, this kid saved your life
Gentleman Brendan
Let me tell you about a squirrely looking mass shooter who captured America's heart
FancyShark
YESTERDAY
gellaho
A SOUND THRASHING, young ruffian!
gellaho
If you can resist the Bronson, then I don't think you're human
FancyShark
"Hoagies Eaten: 38"
Derpbat
Okay, so he's a classically trained actor playing a guy who's shooting up a mall.
...dude, again, are you sure acting is for you?
You were a pretty good chauffeur/butler.
Maybe play to your strengths.
FancyShark
There's actually a delightful scene later in the movie where he has to serve an entire ballroom champagne
gellaho
Ah yes, the lap-top, diskettes, data base, and cellular mobile phone
gellaho
Common phrases we still use today!
Derpbat
Frank is finally getting Callie into his roleplay fantasies.
He's going to reveal this after she's changed.
FancyShark
Frank just has a laborer rig ready
Derpbat
I'm telling you, he's just been waiting for the opportunity.
gellaho
Frank, I know you don't understand hu-man emotions, but you are already on the thinnest of ice
Derpbat
I'm not an expert on 90s devices, but wouldn't a 'crime data base' at the time need to be the size of that van?
FancyShark
Callie's punishment of Frank is going to make Lorraine Bobbett look like Mother Teresa
beb
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
We really need a Dennis miller emoji
gellaho
Frank really needs some people lessons for his cyberbrain
Derpbat
I knew it.
I knew Joe would win.
FancyShark
Harley isn't very good at jealousy
gellaho
Frank offers help with loading up some newspapers. Things escalate rapidly
FancyShark
This is getting weirdly erotic
gellaho
Oh, these are the greatest books ever written
Derpbat
Harley, what made you look at Frank and think that actually starting a fight would work out well for you?
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Im going to be really surprised if the attempted murderer is Harley because it's really the only option that makes sense and I don't want this book to suddenly get reasonable
Derpbat
Harley does appear to have a weirdly disproportionate sense of vengeance.
FancyShark
yeah, I may have spoken too soon
gellaho
SCCCCCRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEK!
Derpbat
Oh my god.
FancyShark
HEOOONK!
HEOOONK!
Derpbat
is this the moment where Frank realizes that there are actually people out there dumber than his brother?
And that his life now depends on one?
Gentleman Brendan
Maybe it's just Bayport-local toughs.
FancyShark
WILL FRANK REMEMBER THE CAR HAS A STEERING WHEEL?!
gellaho
Crisis averted
Derpbat
Harley absolutely should have died.
Gentleman Brendan
How did your brother die?
Oh man. Like a viking.
Fistfighting a rich kid in a runaway, driverless Lambo that exploded a gas tanker.
Derpbat
I know it's a kid's book, but Harley panicked in the middle of his sudden outburst of anger and nearly blew up part of Bayport.
Justice demands his death.
FancyShark
Unfortunately, the Lambo smears three pedestrians on the sidewalk
gellaho
Now, Frank is going to guilt Harley into beating up a fat guy
FancyShark
The Skinny Man's Burden
Derpbat
Man, Frank is just the best at getting other people to do his dirty work.
He's gotten really good at it over the years.
FancyShark
All truck drivers want to kill people. This guy's not special.
gellaho
Suddenly, giant thugs at the museum
Derpbat
Oh, wow, someone saw Frank actually get into a position to fight and responded appropriately.
...are we sure this is a Hardy Boys book?
FancyShark
nah, they all do that towards the end
gellaho
Apparently somebody else needed muscle to beat up the fat guy
FancyShark
Then the gun gets knocked out of their hands
Peach-fuzz. Bum information. It's the timeless dialogue that really draws me in.
Derpbat
I have to admit, Ruppenthal being a mob patsy who tried to play them and failed is... actually, no, that makes sense.
gellaho
Armpit farts, duh
FancyShark
Pacemaker
Derpbat
Frank, laughing the laugh of the truly carefree.'
Later that night, he'll remember that instead of Joe being there to save him, he had Harley.
He may actually have died.
For a moment, deep in his clockwork soul, he will feel a tinge of disquiet.
FancyShark
Then he'll eat a mouse
gellaho
Welp, looks like Joe and Tessa are going murder suicide
Derpbat
Yeah, it's not going to lead to any lasting changes or realizations on his part.
Joe and Tessa have also gone to the woods.
They're looking for a makeout spot. On their way, they'll stumble into an entirely different mystery.
FancyShark
oh man, they had a barbeque without us?
Derpbat
Joe will be required to use computer skills and critical thinking.
Because apparently today they're just in each other's lives.
gellaho
Instead they find Joe bumbling on the side of the row
FancyShark
Great bodyguarding, Joe
Derpbat
Good work, Joe.
gellaho
Hahahahaha
FancyShark
hahahaha
Derpbat
Oh, fucking hell.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
We found Joe. In a ditch. His wallet-pocket turned inside out and his pants soaked
FancyShark
Tessa deserves points for being the first woman to react correctly to Joe
Derpbat
She's a teenage girl in Bayport. I can't imagine she hasn't learned somehow about the weird things that happen to girls who kiss Joe.
I can only imagine the horror when she realized Frank Hardy was that Frank Hardy.
gellaho
Well, not Joe
FancyShark
Is it another minor head wound?
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Damn.
FancyShark
Is it going to be that she's telling falsehoods in a ditch?
gellaho
Sort of
Derpbat
Boom, callback.
FancyShark
She actually dead this time?
gellaho
Joe cannot be trusted
gellaho
Seemingly unhurt
Derpbat
Yeah, no, this is Frank's fault.
He left Joe alone with her.
Gentleman Brendan
the ancient symbol of the Borgias: the letter B
gellaho
Mystical and mysterious
FancyShark
That's right. Screw you, Bakers!
Derpbat
The actual symbol of the Borgias is pretty cool.
Red ox.
FancyShark
Shaped like a B?
Gentleman Brendan
Funny enough...
Evil J, Hotdog Spymaster
which sounds like a euphemism
gellaho
I'm glad we're upping the snack count
Gentleman Brendan
Aleph = Ox = A
gellaho
There's a quota that needs to be met
Gentleman Brendan
Beth = House = B
Derpbat
Is Chet going to be there?
FancyShark
oh god I hope so
Derpbat
And if so, can Chet take over bodyguarding for Tessa?
Because I'm pretty sure Chet isn't going to try to act out a Whitney Houston movie.
gellaho
Callie is on that downslide
FancyShark
Plate clanking means it's tasty
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
VAN LIFE
Derpbat
Oh my god, the Hardys are van people.
Joe just proved it!
gellaho
NEEEEEEEEERRRRRDDDD
FancyShark
"KILL HIM!"
gellaho
They have been the whole time. They go through vans like crazy
DJ-100 model, Djonin
🅱️orgia
Derpbat
Callie never forgets a face.
gellaho
Oh no, a nerd with a silver object, run!
Derpbat
The 90s were a better era, when an obviously crazy glasses guy coming up to you didn't automatically put you on guard.
FancyShark
Just once, I want to see one of these bullshit reveals get thwarted by someone twitchy and heavily armed
gellaho
OK, these last two pages have been a hate crime against nerds
Derpbat
@FancyShark I'm pretty sure Joe qualifies as both.
gellaho
Gasp, business cards
FancyShark
"He soiled himself like a total dweeb. Just a huge fucking nerd."
Simon Lesterman, a name that fucks
Gentleman Brendan
Bernie Goetz disagrees.
gellaho
Normally I'd press charges, but your 18 year old body is so hot
Derpbat
What.
FancyShark
Hollywood, always looking for rich murder targets
Seriously, nothing this girl has done qualifies as charisma
gellaho
Callie will kill Tessa. It won't be in the pages of this book, but it happened.
Gentleman Brendan
at last, an independently wealthy, 18-year-old orphan who's on the cover of People magazine, is given her chance to work her way up the hollywood ladder the EARNED way
Derpbat
Callie will kill Tessa, and Frank will cheerfully bury her in the woods.
Gentleman Brendan
she's already rich, famous, and hot.
Derpbat
It will be their thing.
gellaho
Well, Bayport famous
Derpbat
In fairness to the agent, Callie, you just sucker punched him.
And the age where an actress can do that is not yet upon us.
Gentleman Brendan
I like your theory Personalities is just the hyper-regional People
FancyShark
Tessa, you've done nothing to make people care about you. The best you can hope for is five seasons on a VH1 reality show and maybe a seat in the House of Representatives
Derpbat
We don't know.
She may have really nice tits.
Maybe she could marry Steven Seagal.
gellaho
They meet Ruppenthal at a gas station
Gentleman Brendan
We're going to need to see your sphincter before we can buy your clothing line.
gellaho
RUPPENTHAL IS GOING TO HELL TONIGHT
Derpbat
What did Tessa actually do?
Dude, even with the best will in the world.
gellaho
Took the art she owned
Derpbat
If your recent behavior and the fact you're mixing with the mob didn't invalidate that contract (assuming it existed), it damn well should have.
How did you even become a museum curator?
FancyShark
Ruppenthal still thinks this is how you negotiate
gellaho
Just extending this a little longer
gellaho
Hardy Van magic key compartment
FancyShark
"Why is there a bottle here labeled 'heart medication'?"
"Who cares?"
gellaho
Fuckin what
FancyShark
hahaha
"I love being dragging by a car!"
gellaho
FUCKING WHAT
FancyShark
hahaha, this lady's insane
Derpbat
I can't believe Tessa didn't just go for Joe.
I understand why she didn't.
But she's obviously meant for him.
gellaho
Tessa wants that robo-D
Gentleman Brendan
just redheaded
FancyShark
ohhh, there is definitely boiled rabbit in Frank's future
gellaho
Yeah, probably
FancyShark
Okay, she's doing all this herself
gellaho
Harley seems to be giving up the ghost
FancyShark
She got the dagger because the curse sounded thrilling
gellaho
Which is good, because this book has provided little to no actual clues
FancyShark
She's into danger and risk
Gentleman Brendan
This isn't even a choice.
gellaho
gasp
Gentleman Brendan
Callie has only jealousy and death to offer.
FancyShark
Called it! Barely!
Gentleman Brendan
Actually
Tessa will dump Frank as soon as she wins him.
gellaho
Comical confession, sure
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
Just like she did to Ruppenthal and the butler who was like a father to her.
FancyShark
Yeah. Thrill is in the chase and the taking from someone else
Derpbat
Oh, wow.
This is amazing.
FancyShark
Well, Joe? You gonna make your move?
gellaho
The rugged sexless sexuality of Frank Hardy
FancyShark
This is an incel fantasy, isn't it?
Gentleman Brendan
Frank's magnetic dick
gellaho
Then, darkness
FancyShark
Oh right, the fuse box in the deathtrap room
gellaho
I mean, the hot rich girl is throwing herself at a disinterested nerd
FancyShark
Yeah, it is a bit of a stretch
gellaho
Joe still thinks the dagger is magic
FancyShark
Joe, it's a knife. There's not a lot of possible outcomes.
gellaho
Harley has gone feral
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
I thought it was her and Harley for a while and the lipstick "B" cemented it for me. I mean, come on. The curse/murderer uses lipstick? It's really concerned with her complexion? But I didn't know if guessing the ending was against the rules.
gellaho
An orgy of fingers
FancyShark
Now Grant bursts in and beats Harley to a pulp
Derpbat
Wait, you got upset when Joe asked if you wanted to kiss him, but you've been dating this guy?
You're more and more perfect for Joe, Tessa.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
But here's my question: she inherited a fortune from her ultra rich family and somehow managed to go through all that money in a matter of months, but the sale of one cursed dagger is going to set her up for life? I feel like the broke heiress isn't that good with money or math.
gellaho
And she's being choked just like in the beginning. Masterful writing.
FancyShark
Now the reveal that this whole book has been a hallucination as she chokes to death
gellaho
WHOCK!
FancyShark
This is no time for a Beauty and the Beast musical number!
Gentleman Brendan
tessa will die to fulfill the curse
gellaho
fight not filmed
Derpbat
Joe was merciful. He didn't show the rest of them the violence.
gellaho
More twists! More twists!
FancyShark
HAHAHA!
YESSS!
gellaho
Just full crazy old lady
FancyShark
And after the doctor is defeated, Ruppenthal appears with a gun! Then Grant!
gellaho
Complete with "I can see the headlines in the papers!"
FancyShark
I think the headline's more likely to read "Dumbasses killed being dumb"
gellaho
Pfft
FancyShark
really, lady?
At least she knows which one's Frank
Gentleman Brendan
Yeah, that's what they say about women who went to medical school in 1945 -- that they don't have any guts.
gellaho
The gun's ultimate weakness: a bright lantern
Derpbat
I'm... so confused.
FancyShark
She's not a mole person. This should not be working.
gellaho
Then the house is on fire
FancyShark
OH NO, NOW THE FIRE HAS THE GUN!
gellaho
An old woman fire a gun? Now I've heard everything
FancyShark
"This woman who's eating off her fingers?"
gellaho
Dialog courtesy of That's My Wacky Murderess! on ABC
FancyShark
Zing!
So were there any servants or-
eh, whatever
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
"A long, hard glance." Perfect writing. No notes.
gellaho
The house burns down -- Suddenly, Halloween
Derpbat
What.
Gentleman Brendan
does she have a motive?
Derpbat
I know I keep saying that, but what.
gellaho
Something, something money
Derpbat
So, I hope the house and all those paintings were insured.
Also, we've lost a small, but not inconsequential, part of the common heritage of all mankind.
Good work, Frank and Joe.
FancyShark
Of course they were. It's all in the 30 year contract that was saved from the- GODDAMMIT!
Derpbat
👍
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
What's Rosenthal gonna do when he finds out all that art went up in flames? Dramatic and needlessly complicated suicide?
gellaho
Or the house didn't burn down, because the paintings were fine
gellaho
I'm still not clear on why she has to pay for her own statue
Or why Harley's own thugs would beat him up
Derpbat
What? I... okay.
FancyShark
I don't think the writer knows either
Gentleman Brendan
Get sued by grant
Derpbat
I wonder if this was actually multiple ghost writers.
None of whom read more than the notes for the previous chapter.
gellaho
Unfortunately, @che jakesy, sports revolutionary it was not the insurance money
gellaho
FancyShark
WHAAAAT
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
@FancyShark seconded: WHAAT?!!
gellaho
And Tessa gets hired for a soap opera
gellaho
And also Grant
gellaho
The End
FancyShark
Candy store, just like a couple of real adults
I'm not the only one who thinks it's creepy that two boys laughing and the screaming from a TV are the only sounds in a mall, right?
Gentleman Brendan
is the butl--yup
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Well I'm glad the heiress that squandered her money, looked down on getting a "real job," and manipulated everyone around her into theft, fraud, and attempted murder gets to be a rich TV star. Justice served.
Derpbat
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah.
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #13: The Borgia Dagger
Gentleman Brendan
soap opera work is its own trap.
Derpbat
What a trip.
What a trip.
Gentleman Brendan
Well done, you mad dogs
FancyShark
Excellent riffing, everyone!
gellaho
And that concludes this episode of The Book Cage
FancyShark
And thanks, as always, to the MC @gellaho !
Gentleman Brendan
Thanks, @gellaho!
gellaho
May all your Hardy Boys be casefiled
Derpbat
Thanks, Gellaho.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Thanks again, @gellaho!
Gentleman Brendan
No viewing for me. Gotta get back to these article MP4 edits fighting me tooth and nail.
later all1
FancyShark
Take care, Brendan!
gellaho
The hit rate on these Hardy Boys Casefiles books is wild
FancyShark
They're a roller coaster
gellaho
What if we had a children's book series, but hired lunatics and only checked that there was no profanity before sending to print?
