Derpbat
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53: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #13 The Borgia Dagger Franklin W. Dixon
Tags:
An ancient curse always overstays its welcome.
Archive
gellaho
Come on kids, it's a fun mystery!
gellaho
MURDER
Derpbat
Okay, so that's pretty cool.
FancyShark
Poverty and wretchedness is even in the DSM-IV
gellaho
The author realizes that this might have been a mistake for the children's book, but corrections are for the weak
Derpbat
We all know how mutilated and bleeding homeless people can drag themselves up the stairs, overpower a fit man, and then carve the letter B into his forehead before dying.
FancyShark
Sure, it's their signature move
Derpbat
Still, Ruppenthal survived, so I'm now adjusting my expectations.
gellaho
Grant's back with a new weapon
Derpbat
Hey, Grant!
Put the gun down before Joe hurts you.
FancyShark
Edwin Squinder, the name of terror itself
Derpbat
He's probably going to hurt you anyway, but if you don't have the gun it's going to be less embarrassing.
Gentleman Brendan
He elaborates at length to prove he's a real historian and not a conman.
gellaho
These threats of violence are such a nuisance
FancyShark
Grant really doesn't know how police work, does he?
gellaho
My neck hurts from this tonal whiplash
Derpbat
What.
Jesus Christ.
How many pages are we in?
gellaho
42
FancyShark
hahaha
Gentleman Brendan
Grant is a John Cleese character.
gellaho
And with that, Grant has done what he came to do
FancyShark
holy shit, he is
Derpbat
Oh my God, is the ghost writer on Speed?
gellaho
Well, no shit Frank
FancyShark
I think the writer mixed a few pages together from two different stories
gellaho
Some snacking will solve this relationship
FancyShark
hahaha, a man has attempted murder twice
Derpbat
Callie may actually be perfect for Frank.
Thirty years later she's running a true crime podcast.
But in the 90s this is the only way to get that sweet, sweet murder energy.
gellaho
Sure is weird no one would want to go to the museum after 60% of it was taken away
FancyShark
"We still have a picture. And a jar. COME BAAAACK!"
The gift shop is really gonna need to step up their game
gellaho
It's been one day, Ruppenthal
Derpbat
Is it?
I'm pretty sure that's not how any of that works.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
"We have, like, a bunch of stuff, but they're all cursed so we put up this curtain for your protection. There are many interesting and rare objects behind it. We swear."
FancyShark
Museums are a house of cards
gellaho
Hey kids, here's ten thousand dollars to convince another child to do something
gellaho
That's not weird, right?
Derpbat
I was really hoping to hear how it's illegal.
Gentleman Brendan
Fruit juice and ham. We used to call those pantybombs in college.
Derpbat
You're not filling me with confidence.
FancyShark
"Also, here's another ten thousand to convince her her panties were destroyed by the washing machine."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Maybe you wouldn't be in danger of folding if you stopped giving stacks of cash to teenagers.
Derpbat
Al, did she pull the art because you're obviously unstable?
Because that's fair.
gellaho
Joe, legal expert
Derpbat
Joe has standards.
He only takes bribes to do legal things.
FancyShark
"We're saying bend over the desk, Albert"
Derpbat
He's not very smart.
gellaho
He claims to have a 30 year old agreement for the museum to hold the art forever
Derpbat
Oh, right.
Gentleman Brendan
This is actually fine. They're not Tessa's contractors and so it's not a bribe so much as hiring them for marketing services.
gellaho
He'd just be paying you to do something
Derpbat
You know what may have worked? Offering Tessa the money.
I assume he tried that, though.
gellaho
"That neighbor tried to bribe me to mow his lawn"
FancyShark
If you didn't feel like bribery, you could also inform the newspapers that a rich heiress decided to use a priceless artifact to serve appetizers
gellaho
"My grandfather bribed me to clear his driveway!"
Derpbat
As you do.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
I am very unclear what illegal thing Joe thinks Al wants them to do. Does he think this was all a euphemism for murder? Card sharking? Racketeering?
gellaho
Joe's goldfish brain strikes again
gellaho
FancyShark
Joe only remembers red hair and snacks
gellaho
Nerd
FancyShark
Quicken?
Gentleman Brendan
Victorian houses always ramble
Gentleman Brendan
I considered myself more of a Frank till now.
Derpbat
Man, their father is making his public servant salary go far.
Gentleman Brendan
Or like...fit/fat Chet
gellaho
All that software is unnecessary, as dad comes rumbling in
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
God, when I read "joe drove up to the Hardy's" I thought they were getting some fast food. Joe is not having a good influence on my brain.
Derpbat
Maybe that's a mystery you two should solve.
... She's been shot?
Gentleman Brendan
I can't think of a sadder credential than "They ran to their computerized crime lab, which also doubled as Frank's bedroom."
Derpbat
And you're sending your sons?
FancyShark
"Who's Tessa Carpenter?"
"DAMMIT, JOE!"
Derpbat
Who met her yesterday?
Gentleman Brendan
This is a new Franklin W. Dixon, and he does not fuck around.
We've got bluebeards, suicide, shot Parises Hilton
Derpbat
Fenton, how do you keep getting reelected?
FancyShark
Elected? He's a private eye
Derpbat
He's what?
This version isn't a DA?
FancyShark
Nancy Drew is the one with the lawyer dad
Derpbat
Oh.
gellaho
Fenton is a master detective
gellaho
Derpbat
.... That just raises more questions.
gellaho
Well, maybe not master
gellaho
The ghost in this ghostwriter is cocaine
FancyShark
Hot damn! Joe found another person with an indestructible skull!
Derpbat
Not everyone is going to be Steven King.
Ouch. Sorry, everyone.
Sorry.
gellaho
Fenton meant "there was a shot near Tessa"
FancyShark
"And then he shot me!"
gellaho
And the twists keep coming
Derpbat
Tessa survives things that should severely injure her so often, she's obviously Joe's soul mate.
What.
What?
What.
FancyShark
This policewoman is really jaded
Derpbat
Sure, Dixon.
Why not.
🤗 Jesus, you take the wheel.
I'm just going to witness this.
gellaho
Just breathe
"Why I'm not taking her in for questioning is a question for another day"
gellaho
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
"Someone was just shot and the murderer is on the loose. Better send my kids to deal with it. I've got hangovers to start." —Fenton Hardy
FancyShark
"And don't you dare get people to give you an alibi!"
gellaho
Is this not another "bribe" boys?
FancyShark
uh oh, Tessa
Derpbat
Well if the plan was to increase the number of people who want you dead.
FancyShark
Don't piss off the girl that spits in the face of Death
Derpbat
Good work.
gellaho
Callie is losing it
Derpbat
Maybe she hopes all the murderers will get in each other's way.
FancyShark
Joe and Frank, like all pros, wait for their dad to get a phone call with a lead
Derpbat
In fairness to Callie, Frank, you let Joe investigate.
gellaho
10/10 book writing, no notes
Derpbat
What.
FancyShark
Joe can read!
Derpbat
Is this a thing? Arsenic on shelves in clearly labeled bottles? Was there a period where that was necessary?
FancyShark
It was the best day ever!
gellaho
World's greatest doctor
gellaho
Derpbat
Look, all those years in kindergarten paid off for him.
Gentleman Brendan
You see, this is why we don't let women be doctors anymore.
Poison is women's preferred method of murder.
gellaho
Olds can't kill, everyone knows that
Derpbat
Okay, a weirdly escalating series of attempts at accidentally killing Tessa does seem to be happening.
Gentleman Brendan
When a MALE doctor wants to kill you, he shoots you and then makes it look like you were born with a congenital bullet wound.
FancyShark
"Age is a myth"
Callie's cover for her Highlander identity is in trouble
gellaho
Callie Shaw possessive high schooler
gellaho
FancyShark
"It's because I asked you about the strap-on, isn't it, Frank!?"
gellaho
She's a real keeper, Frank
Gentleman Brendan
Jealous to the point of insanity.
FancyShark
Squinder has attempted murder and suicide, Callie. That's not what slaves-
oh, wait
gellaho
Why would she need to pay the museum for the statue she owns?
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Joe's reaction to arsenic was the same as Frank's to poison ivy.
FancyShark
Ownership disputes are what I think of when a book promises "cursed ancient dagger"
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
For a museum curator, he seems really ignorant of the meaning of the term "on loan"
gellaho
Joe wondered if this ancient dagger contains any electronics
Gentleman Brendan
Repair, maybe?
Gentleman Brendan
It's like how much of Star Wars was predicated on trade contracts.
In that both were plainly erroneous.
FancyShark
Well, Joe touched the dagger. Only four months to live.
gellaho
Joe discovers the bat cave
FancyShark
Suddenly, Grant appears and charges at him with a halberd.
gellaho
And, as expected, falls into a cavernous abyss
FancyShark
Falling into a hole is Joe's element
gellaho
Alas, Joe is an immortal and cannot die
FancyShark
It was a step, wasn't it?
gellaho
A very elaborate path to the basement
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Sure, this creepy door tried to kill you, but I'm sure the other one is fine. Step through it recklessly and maybe with your eyes closed this time why not?
FancyShark
The deadfall is because Tessa's family hates the utility guys
gellaho
Meanwhile: Tessa wants Frank's chastity
FancyShark
Callie was right!
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Oh god, "let me give you a massage" was "let's fuck" when I was in high school.
gellaho
It's real unfortunate our suspects are an old suicidal man, an old doctor lady, and a fat guy
Derpbat
Also, Callie.
The only person caught with means and opportunity.
Hmmmm.
FancyShark
Callie gets implicated a lot, I just realized
Derpbat
Hmmmm.
gellaho
Uh oh
FancyShark
...go on
Derpbat
Dammit Tessa.
FancyShark
Gotta respect how chill Tessa's being through all the murder attempts
Derpbat
They're trying to protect you from the scores of people who are trying to kill you.
Stop distracting them by making Callie want to kill her boyfriend, too.
gellaho
Her relationship with her man servant is weird
Derpbat
Man, I hope Harley is chill about Tessa flirting with Frank.
FancyShark
Tessa's life is the opening ten minutes of every 90's softcore porn
Derpbat
18 year old rich guys are chill about that, right?
gellaho
FUCK YES
gellaho
Derpbat
Welp.
FancyShark
YEEESSSS
Derpbat
Joe knows the electrical current is running.
He turned it on.
gellaho
Joe died as he lived, grabbing his crotch
FancyShark
ugh, belly flops are the worst
Derpbat
Man, that's... actually a very fitting way for Frank to remember Joe forever.
Just belly-flopping into danger.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Holding his crotch
gellaho
That is lucky Joe
Gentleman Brendan
Tessa lives every day like it was already her last.
gellaho
Only the best anticlimaxes for the Hardy Boys
FancyShark
okay, fuck you, Dixon
gellaho
Joe is great at flirting
FancyShark
If electricity operated on luck, there wouldn't be a whole procedure to the electric chair
Derpbat
Joe lives entirely in the moment.
And in the present moment, a redhead is in a one piece bathing suit. So who cares that he nearly died?
FancyShark
Red and orange stripes? I didn't realize we were swimming in WHORE country
Derpbat
Also, Joe has no object permanence or sense of consequences and probably has come to the entirely rational conclusion that he can't actually be killed.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Joe is a really dumb golden retriever puppy
gellaho
Frank goes with Callie to investigate Grant/Squinder
And instantly becomes 80 years old
Derpbat
That's a fight that Joe should win.
FancyShark
The unsettling, rich lothario vs an unkillable flesh golem
Derpbat
Joe is everything Tessa's ever wanted in a boyfriend. One who's constantly surprised by how pretty she is and can be turned off by putting a blanket over his head.
gellaho
It's nice of the dog to wait until they could read the sign
FancyShark
oh, Joe. You only learned A's, didn't you?
Derpbat
I think we should applaud Frank for not just going to the logical conclusion immediately.
He had to explore the possibility the sign said 'Boware of Dug.'
gellaho
Frank sociopath confirmed
gellaho
Unfortunately, Joe is still at the mansion
Derpbat
Frank is considering replacing Joe with the dog.
FancyShark
oh jeez. Joe can read better than Frank?
Derpbat
The dog can play fetch. If you throw a ball, Joe reacts like a cat.
gellaho
Good sleuthing, everyone
Derpbat
Hmmm... yeah, that's the logical conclusion.
FancyShark
"But wait! What could he be trying to communicate?"
Derpbat
It's not like the guy is involved in an industry where shooting means something entirely different.
Gentleman Brendan
Joke's on you all, they find Grant in an alley doping up
gellaho
This is a weird, wonderful sequence of events. And you should not miss any of it
gellaho
Lovely
FancyShark
I think I need to sit down after that
Derpbat
That is wonderful.
Gentleman Brendan
Joe didn't notice all the lights and cameras
Derpbat
Frank.
gellaho
Instead of dope, he's shooting up the mall
Derpbat
Joe's still at the mansion.
Gentleman Brendan
No, Frank noticed. He just didn't CARE.
But Joe was following. And Joe had tunnel vision.
gellaho
Joe is still at the mansion
Gentleman Brendan
That's what Joe wants you and Harley to think.
FancyShark
Frank being worse at reading than Joe has thrown me completely off-kilter
gellaho
But Callie is there, and she doesn't want to live if she can't have Frank
FancyShark
The rules of this world are being rewritten
Grant is thrown over the balcony to his death
Derpbat
If this is actually a filmshoot of some time, the 90s were weirdly chill about this.
Because today Squinder would be full of at least fifty different bullets.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
"Bearded man" is hack for "production crew member"
FancyShark
Back then, you could witness a full murder spree before the director yelled "cut"
gellaho
J/k entertainment and snacks
Derpbat
And now Callie becomes a film star.
Gentleman Brendan
BOOM
She's blowing up
FancyShark
If youtube existed in the 90s, "idiot ruins mall filming" would be breaking so many records
Derpbat
Frank's total disinterest is working out worse for him than usual.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
She would have enough money she wouldn't need Frank and his fancy sleuthing van
gellaho
"How dare you bother me! After I told you I was suicidal and had no money. And no job. And found a job this morning somehow. And after I kept threatening murder!"
gellaho
"How dare you!"
FancyShark
"The very nerve!"
Derpbat
Squindler, buddy, while I admit it's nice of this random production crew to hire you, are you sure this is the right job?
gellaho
Seriously, dude was threatening to kill himself with a knife one day ago because he had no work
Derpbat
Isn't he a kind of squirrely looking older dude?
FancyShark
I'm glad we skipped Squindler's casting couch session
Derpbat
Back in the 90s was that how we liked our mass shooters?
Because it doesn't feel that plausible now.
FancyShark
Mass shooters were more a novelty until the late 90s
gellaho
THE VERY NERVE!
Derpbat
Man, this guy has a persecution complex that...
actually feels like an entirely logical response to the events of the last week.
FancyShark
Squind, dude, this kid saved your life
Gentleman Brendan
Let me tell you about a squirrely looking mass shooter who captured America's heart
FancyShark
YESTERDAY
gellaho
A SOUND THRASHING, young ruffian!
gellaho
If you can resist the Bronson, then I don't think you're human
FancyShark
"Hoagies Eaten: 38"
Derpbat
Okay, so he's a classically trained actor playing a guy who's shooting up a mall.
...dude, again, are you sure acting is for you?
You were a pretty good chauffeur/butler.
Maybe play to your strengths.
FancyShark
There's actually a delightful scene later in the movie where he has to serve an entire ballroom champagne
gellaho
Ah yes, the lap-top, diskettes, data base, and cellular mobile phone
gellaho
Common phrases we still use today!
Derpbat
Frank is finally getting Callie into his roleplay fantasies.
He's going to reveal this after she's changed.
FancyShark
Frank just has a laborer rig ready
Derpbat
I'm telling you, he's just been waiting for the opportunity.
gellaho
Frank, I know you don't understand hu-man emotions, but you are already on the thinnest of ice
Derpbat
I'm not an expert on 90s devices, but wouldn't a 'crime data base' at the time need to be the size of that van?
FancyShark
Callie's punishment of Frank is going to make Lorraine Bobbett look like Mother Teresa
beb
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
We really need a Dennis miller emoji
gellaho
Frank really needs some people lessons for his cyberbrain
Derpbat
I knew it.
I knew Joe would win.
FancyShark
Harley isn't very good at jealousy
gellaho
Frank offers help with loading up some newspapers. Things escalate rapidly
FancyShark
This is getting weirdly erotic
gellaho
Oh, these are the greatest books ever written
