Derpbat
Harley, what made you look at Frank and think that actually starting a fight would work out well for you?
53: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #13 The Borgia Dagger Franklin W. Dixon
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An ancient curse always overstays its welcome.
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Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Im going to be really surprised if the attempted murderer is Harley because it's really the only option that makes sense and I don't want this book to suddenly get reasonable
Derpbat
Harley does appear to have a weirdly disproportionate sense of vengeance.
FancyShark
yeah, I may have spoken too soon
gellaho
SCCCCCRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEK!
Derpbat
Oh my god.
FancyShark
HEOOONK!
HEOOONK!
Derpbat
is this the moment where Frank realizes that there are actually people out there dumber than his brother?
And that his life now depends on one?
Gentleman Brendan
Maybe it's just Bayport-local toughs.
FancyShark
WILL FRANK REMEMBER THE CAR HAS A STEERING WHEEL?!
gellaho
Crisis averted
Derpbat
Harley absolutely should have died.
Gentleman Brendan
How did your brother die?
Oh man. Like a viking.
Fistfighting a rich kid in a runaway, driverless Lambo that exploded a gas tanker.
Derpbat
I know it's a kid's book, but Harley panicked in the middle of his sudden outburst of anger and nearly blew up part of Bayport.
Justice demands his death.
FancyShark
Unfortunately, the Lambo smears three pedestrians on the sidewalk
gellaho
Now, Frank is going to guilt Harley into beating up a fat guy
FancyShark
The Skinny Man's Burden
Derpbat
Man, Frank is just the best at getting other people to do his dirty work.
He's gotten really good at it over the years.
FancyShark
All truck drivers want to kill people. This guy's not special.
gellaho
Suddenly, giant thugs at the museum
Derpbat
Oh, wow, someone saw Frank actually get into a position to fight and responded appropriately.
...are we sure this is a Hardy Boys book?
FancyShark
nah, they all do that towards the end
gellaho
Apparently somebody else needed muscle to beat up the fat guy
FancyShark
Then the gun gets knocked out of their hands
Peach-fuzz. Bum information. It's the timeless dialogue that really draws me in.
Derpbat
I have to admit, Ruppenthal being a mob patsy who tried to play them and failed is... actually, no, that makes sense.
gellaho
Armpit farts, duh
FancyShark
Pacemaker
Derpbat
Frank, laughing the laugh of the truly carefree.'
Later that night, he'll remember that instead of Joe being there to save him, he had Harley.
He may actually have died.
For a moment, deep in his clockwork soul, he will feel a tinge of disquiet.
FancyShark
Then he'll eat a mouse
gellaho
Welp, looks like Joe and Tessa are going murder suicide
Derpbat
Yeah, it's not going to lead to any lasting changes or realizations on his part.
Joe and Tessa have also gone to the woods.
They're looking for a makeout spot. On their way, they'll stumble into an entirely different mystery.
FancyShark
oh man, they had a barbeque without us?
Derpbat
Joe will be required to use computer skills and critical thinking.
Because apparently today they're just in each other's lives.
gellaho
Instead they find Joe bumbling on the side of the row
FancyShark
Great bodyguarding, Joe
Derpbat
Good work, Joe.
gellaho
Hahahahaha
FancyShark
hahahaha
Derpbat
Oh, fucking hell.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
We found Joe. In a ditch. His wallet-pocket turned inside out and his pants soaked
FancyShark
Tessa deserves points for being the first woman to react correctly to Joe
Derpbat
She's a teenage girl in Bayport. I can't imagine she hasn't learned somehow about the weird things that happen to girls who kiss Joe.
I can only imagine the horror when she realized Frank Hardy was that Frank Hardy.
gellaho
Well, not Joe
FancyShark
Is it another minor head wound?
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Damn.
FancyShark
Is it going to be that she's telling falsehoods in a ditch?
gellaho
Sort of
Derpbat
Boom, callback.
FancyShark
She actually dead this time?
gellaho
Joe cannot be trusted
gellaho
Seemingly unhurt
Derpbat
Yeah, no, this is Frank's fault.
He left Joe alone with her.
Gentleman Brendan
the ancient symbol of the Borgias: the letter B
gellaho
Mystical and mysterious
FancyShark
That's right. Screw you, Bakers!
Derpbat
The actual symbol of the Borgias is pretty cool.
Red ox.
FancyShark
Shaped like a B?
Gentleman Brendan
Funny enough...
Evil J, Hotdog Spymaster
which sounds like a euphemism
gellaho
I'm glad we're upping the snack count
Gentleman Brendan
Aleph = Ox = A
gellaho
There's a quota that needs to be met
Gentleman Brendan
Beth = House = B
Derpbat
Is Chet going to be there?
FancyShark
oh god I hope so
Derpbat
And if so, can Chet take over bodyguarding for Tessa?
Because I'm pretty sure Chet isn't going to try to act out a Whitney Houston movie.
gellaho
Callie is on that downslide
FancyShark
Plate clanking means it's tasty
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
VAN LIFE
Derpbat
Oh my god, the Hardys are van people.
Joe just proved it!
gellaho
NEEEEEEEEERRRRRDDDD
FancyShark
"KILL HIM!"
gellaho
They have been the whole time. They go through vans like crazy
DJ-100 model, Djonin
🅱️orgia
Derpbat
Callie never forgets a face.
gellaho
Oh no, a nerd with a silver object, run!
Derpbat
The 90s were a better era, when an obviously crazy glasses guy coming up to you didn't automatically put you on guard.
FancyShark
Just once, I want to see one of these bullshit reveals get thwarted by someone twitchy and heavily armed
gellaho
OK, these last two pages have been a hate crime against nerds
Derpbat
@FancyShark I'm pretty sure Joe qualifies as both.
gellaho
Gasp, business cards
FancyShark
"He soiled himself like a total dweeb. Just a huge fucking nerd."
Simon Lesterman, a name that fucks
Gentleman Brendan
Bernie Goetz disagrees.
gellaho
Normally I'd press charges, but your 18 year old body is so hot
Derpbat
What.
FancyShark
Hollywood, always looking for rich murder targets
Seriously, nothing this girl has done qualifies as charisma
gellaho
Callie will kill Tessa. It won't be in the pages of this book, but it happened.
Gentleman Brendan
at last, an independently wealthy, 18-year-old orphan who's on the cover of People magazine, is given her chance to work her way up the hollywood ladder the EARNED way
Derpbat
Callie will kill Tessa, and Frank will cheerfully bury her in the woods.
Gentleman Brendan
she's already rich, famous, and hot.
Derpbat
It will be their thing.
gellaho
Well, Bayport famous
Derpbat
In fairness to the agent, Callie, you just sucker punched him.
And the age where an actress can do that is not yet upon us.
Gentleman Brendan
I like your theory Personalities is just the hyper-regional People
FancyShark
Tessa, you've done nothing to make people care about you. The best you can hope for is five seasons on a VH1 reality show and maybe a seat in the House of Representatives
Derpbat
We don't know.
She may have really nice tits.
Maybe she could marry Steven Seagal.
gellaho
They meet Ruppenthal at a gas station
Gentleman Brendan
We're going to need to see your sphincter before we can buy your clothing line.
gellaho
RUPPENTHAL IS GOING TO HELL TONIGHT
Derpbat
What did Tessa actually do?
Dude, even with the best will in the world.
gellaho
Took the art she owned
Derpbat
If your recent behavior and the fact you're mixing with the mob didn't invalidate that contract (assuming it existed), it damn well should have.
How did you even become a museum curator?
FancyShark
Ruppenthal still thinks this is how you negotiate
gellaho
Just extending this a little longer
gellaho
Hardy Van magic key compartment
FancyShark
"Why is there a bottle here labeled 'heart medication'?"
"Who cares?"
gellaho
Fuckin what
FancyShark
hahaha
"I love being dragging by a car!"
gellaho
FUCKING WHAT
FancyShark
hahaha, this lady's insane
Derpbat
I can't believe Tessa didn't just go for Joe.
I understand why she didn't.
But she's obviously meant for him.
gellaho
Tessa wants that robo-D
Gentleman Brendan
just redheaded
FancyShark
ohhh, there is definitely boiled rabbit in Frank's future
gellaho
Yeah, probably
FancyShark
Okay, she's doing all this herself
gellaho
Harley seems to be giving up the ghost
FancyShark
She got the dagger because the curse sounded thrilling
gellaho
Which is good, because this book has provided little to no actual clues
FancyShark
She's into danger and risk
Gentleman Brendan
This isn't even a choice.
gellaho
gasp
Gentleman Brendan
Callie has only jealousy and death to offer.
FancyShark
Called it! Barely!
Gentleman Brendan
Actually
Tessa will dump Frank as soon as she wins him.
gellaho
Comical confession, sure
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
Just like she did to Ruppenthal and the butler who was like a father to her.
FancyShark
Yeah. Thrill is in the chase and the taking from someone else
Derpbat
Oh, wow.
This is amazing.
FancyShark
Well, Joe? You gonna make your move?
gellaho
The rugged sexless sexuality of Frank Hardy
FancyShark
This is an incel fantasy, isn't it?
Gentleman Brendan
Frank's magnetic dick
gellaho
Then, darkness
FancyShark
Oh right, the fuse box in the deathtrap room
gellaho
I mean, the hot rich girl is throwing herself at a disinterested nerd
FancyShark
Yeah, it is a bit of a stretch
gellaho
Joe still thinks the dagger is magic
FancyShark
Joe, it's a knife. There's not a lot of possible outcomes.
gellaho
Harley has gone feral
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
I thought it was her and Harley for a while and the lipstick "B" cemented it for me. I mean, come on. The curse/murderer uses lipstick? It's really concerned with her complexion? But I didn't know if guessing the ending was against the rules.
gellaho
An orgy of fingers
FancyShark
Now Grant bursts in and beats Harley to a pulp
Derpbat
Wait, you got upset when Joe asked if you wanted to kiss him, but you've been dating this guy?
You're more and more perfect for Joe, Tessa.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
But here's my question: she inherited a fortune from her ultra rich family and somehow managed to go through all that money in a matter of months, but the sale of one cursed dagger is going to set her up for life? I feel like the broke heiress isn't that good with money or math.
gellaho
And she's being choked just like in the beginning. Masterful writing.
FancyShark
Now the reveal that this whole book has been a hallucination as she chokes to death
gellaho
WHOCK!
FancyShark
This is no time for a Beauty and the Beast musical number!
Gentleman Brendan
tessa will die to fulfill the curse
gellaho
fight not filmed
Derpbat
Joe was merciful. He didn't show the rest of them the violence.
gellaho
More twists! More twists!
FancyShark
HAHAHA!
YESSS!
gellaho
Just full crazy old lady
FancyShark
And after the doctor is defeated, Ruppenthal appears with a gun! Then Grant!
gellaho
Complete with "I can see the headlines in the papers!"
FancyShark
I think the headline's more likely to read "Dumbasses killed being dumb"
gellaho
Pfft
FancyShark
really, lady?
At least she knows which one's Frank
Gentleman Brendan
Yeah, that's what they say about women who went to medical school in 1945 -- that they don't have any guts.
gellaho
The gun's ultimate weakness: a bright lantern
Derpbat
I'm... so confused.
FancyShark
She's not a mole person. This should not be working.
gellaho
Then the house is on fire
FancyShark
OH NO, NOW THE FIRE HAS THE GUN!
gellaho
An old woman fire a gun? Now I've heard everything
FancyShark
"This woman who's eating off her fingers?"
gellaho
Dialog courtesy of That's My Wacky Murderess! on ABC
FancyShark
Zing!
So were there any servants or-
eh, whatever
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
"A long, hard glance." Perfect writing. No notes.
gellaho
The house burns down -- Suddenly, Halloween
Derpbat
What.
Gentleman Brendan
does she have a motive?
Derpbat
I know I keep saying that, but what.
gellaho
Something, something money
Derpbat
So, I hope the house and all those paintings were insured.
Also, we've lost a small, but not inconsequential, part of the common heritage of all mankind.
Good work, Frank and Joe.
FancyShark
Of course they were. It's all in the 30 year contract that was saved from the- GODDAMMIT!
Derpbat
👍
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
What's Rosenthal gonna do when he finds out all that art went up in flames? Dramatic and needlessly complicated suicide?
gellaho
Or the house didn't burn down, because the paintings were fine
gellaho
I'm still not clear on why she has to pay for her own statue
Or why Harley's own thugs would beat him up
Derpbat
What? I... okay.
FancyShark
I don't think the writer knows either
Gentleman Brendan
Get sued by grant
Derpbat
I wonder if this was actually multiple ghost writers.
None of whom read more than the notes for the previous chapter.
gellaho
Unfortunately, @che jakesy, sports revolutionary it was not the insurance money
gellaho
FancyShark
WHAAAAT
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
@FancyShark seconded: WHAAT?!!
gellaho
And Tessa gets hired for a soap opera
gellaho
And also Grant
gellaho
The End
FancyShark
Candy store, just like a couple of real adults
I'm not the only one who thinks it's creepy that two boys laughing and the screaming from a TV are the only sounds in a mall, right?
Gentleman Brendan
is the butl--yup
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Well I'm glad the heiress that squandered her money, looked down on getting a "real job," and manipulated everyone around her into theft, fraud, and attempted murder gets to be a rich TV star. Justice served.
Derpbat
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah.
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #13: The Borgia Dagger
Gentleman Brendan
soap opera work is its own trap.
Derpbat
What a trip.
What a trip.
Gentleman Brendan
Well done, you mad dogs
FancyShark
Excellent riffing, everyone!
gellaho
And that concludes this episode of The Book Cage
FancyShark
And thanks, as always, to the MC @gellaho !
Gentleman Brendan
Thanks, @gellaho!
gellaho
May all your Hardy Boys be casefiled
Derpbat
Thanks, Gellaho.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Thanks again, @gellaho!
Gentleman Brendan
No viewing for me. Gotta get back to these article MP4 edits fighting me tooth and nail.
later all1
FancyShark
Take care, Brendan!
gellaho
The hit rate on these Hardy Boys Casefiles books is wild
FancyShark
They're a roller coaster
gellaho
What if we had a children's book series, but hired lunatics and only checked that there was no profanity before sending to print?
I guess that also describes Photon.