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gellaho
🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) Poll Time 🚨
This time, we will be exploring the concept of truth and reality through book titles. Vote using reactions
💀 #71 - Real Horror
⏰ #84 - False Alarm
🏹 #100 - True Thriller
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Ugh none of these are really speaking to me
Gotta go with the bow and arrow one as the tiebreak
gellaho
The covers are fairly innocuous, but I have read the synopses
Ooh, boy
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
definitely real horror
I love watching the author bumblefuck their way through a scooby doo knockoff
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
What I'm gathering out of this is that we need to write books about the sons of the Hardy Boys
@"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks add it to the HYPELIST
gellaho
There is a Hardy Boys book about a secret third brother
gellaho
At any rate, I need more votes
FancyShark
Right now, bow and arrow is in the lead
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hell yeah
FancyShark
It looks like Joe's going to fire an arrow tied to electrical wire at more electrical wire in an obvious attempt to kill Frank
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Plus that's the 100th issue so you know Franklin is going all out
FancyShark
Oh damn, it is!
Evil J
Jeb Hardy, the deformed twin they kept in the shed
gellaho
I will not reveal any details, except that the synopses are wild on all
gellaho
Entirely possible
FancyShark
I'm still eager for more ASSASSINS plots
The one we read alluded to an earlier story where they tried to blow up a volcano to destroy the world. The fact they would have that kind of story in the same series where there was a case involving bootleg cassettes from a white, white rapper is amazing as hell
I'm hoping the volcano plot was their plan to get one of their people out of a parking ticket
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
I think a lot about how their plan to rig a trial was to just replace everyone with hypnotized clones
a guild of assassins
FancyShark
Not even the entire trial! Just the Hardys' testimony! For one guy
And don't forget they're actually terrorists that just call themselves "assassins"
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
also they could have pulled it off if they didn't bother to fuck with the hardys
FancyShark
Which is the stupid cherry on the idiot sundae
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
or, y'know, actually just killed people, because ASSASSINS
I think the only person that died was the little guy
do I remember that right?
FancyShark
And the clone of Frank's girlfriend
Yep, the dwarf died from...poison? I think?
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
and this is why I want to see that horror book
that last one was spooky themed and it was just insane and insanely stupid
FancyShark
this is true
I'm sticking with the bow and arrow this time around just to find out why the hell they have to shoot electrical wire at something
Every piece of electronic equipment is a bomb in their universe and they're carrying the go-juice
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
also they may or may not be robots
it's the only way they could have survived that much explosion trauma
gellaho
To be fair, the last spooky book was in Barbados. It had something to do with ghosts and a hotel and jewels
That's about all I remember
gellaho
I think my favorite tiny detail about The Hardy Boys Casefiles is that they capitalize Dumpster every time. Really respectful of branding
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Can't be on the receiving end of the lawsuits from Big Trash
gellaho
Our contestants have chosen The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #100: True Thriller. It will be read this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Let's see what our contestants have won!
gellaho
Our contestants have won:
1) A fictional author of thrillers
2) ASSASSINS
3) An ultrasecret Turncoat
4) And responsibility over the lives of 7 million people
@Brockway You have to save the lives of 7 million people. In order to stop the evil assassins, you must pin the above.
FancyShark
YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!
🥳
gellaho
What does any of that have to do with the cover? Who the fuck knows
FancyShark
THANK YOU, @gellaho !
gellaho
The other two books were about:
A) Fake Stephen King in a haunted murder house
B) Two new brothers stroll into town and try to steal the Hardy Boys' lives
FancyShark
Both sound insane, but I'm legit thrilled we're getting another ASSASSINS story
I'm guessing they want to kill that author for writing about something they did, even though he writes fiction and no one could identify them from his work
I can't imagine how sad your life would have to be to want to be Joe or Frank
gellaho
We'll find out eventually
FancyShark
The Fake Stephen King sounds hilarious too. Think he pissed off a group of special effects and stunt guys?
gellaho
I just like that the cover of the book has a tombstone that says Stevens. Which implies that the guy gets buried during the book
FancyShark
<muffled> "You boys will remember I'm down here, right?"
"..."
"...Boys?"
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Assassins!
gellaho
With that synopsis, they decided to go with that cover
It's baffling
gellaho
Coming up on the hour, it's Hardy Boys Casefiles #100: True Thriller. Here's the preview
gellaho
Looking like Joe is losing another one
:joe:
FancyShark
Joe's answer to a crisis is to blindly run. Which, yeah, that tracks
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Oh no, his van!
Oh yeah, and his girlfriend
Gentleman Brendan
YESSSSS centennial
Joe's copilot is DEATH and his only passenger is any woman foolish enough to get near a vehicle with him. He has a worse abduction/fatality rate than actual practicing serial killers.
Mike, AKA Captain APEBOX
I may actually be awake for this one….. but Im afraid that #100 may not be the best starting point for hardy boys. I've just missed so much.
Also, my phone is out of battery, and I should put it on the charge pad before I maybe fall back asleep
gellaho
Time to begin
FancyShark
If the ASSASSINS set up another insanely convoluted plot to accomplish something mundane, they will officially be my favorite villains in this series
gellaho
100th Casefile, 100th extracurricular activity for the Boys
FancyShark
No, Joe! Don't do it!
Gentleman Brendan
Somewhere in Norway, Joe's bow twangs.
gellaho
Vanessa first showed up in Hardy Boys #69: Mayhem in Motion, a previous Book Cage reading
unless this a different Vanessa. She seems to come and go
FancyShark
Nice
oh, sorry
Gentleman Brendan
No, that's Frank.
FancyShark
Frank the robot, leaving the ladies dry
gellaho
Joe is already mad at the fe-males
FancyShark
Callie was later found in a Dumpster
gellaho
this has to be the fifteenth Callie
In case you were unfamiliar with the bow and arrow
FancyShark
Oh hell. Did Hawke write this as a "funny" book?
Gentleman Brendan
Hawkeye can throw a punch, we get it.
gellaho
Frank and Callie are waiting for Joe to snap
gellaho
They aren't going to do anything about it, just watching
Gentleman Brendan
"WOMEN CAN'T DO A STRONG BECAUSE MAN IS...I Don'T GAY a wiFEmAN" Joe punched the wall with his bow.
FancyShark
If Joe's put off by that, I want to leave Vanessa my number
gellaho
Little rich boys with the car phone
Gentleman Brendan
Hell yeah, strong women are awesome
FancyShark
"I had to warn you, you have only two weeks to live!"
Gentleman Brendan
I have dated a trapeze artist and a shotputter and a kickboxer, and I would recommend any of that to anyone.
gellaho
I have some doubts about this science
FancyShark
I am painfully jealous of you right now, Brendan
Gentleman Brendan
Joe answers all phone calls like he's talking to an abductor, though.
gellaho
You know the common grift of calling two people on their car phone
FancyShark
"My name is..."
"What?"
"My name is..."
"What?"
"My name is..."
"FUCKING WAIT UNTIL THE STATIC CLEARS!"
Gentleman Brendan
5 pages in and we've set up all the callback plot points
Imagine the mad lad who gets a ransom call and just constantly pretends to be unable to hear them.
gellaho
Back at the Hardy estate
FancyShark
Dixon's being direct this time
Gentleman Brendan
Hell yea, let's follow THIS character
FancyShark
If he took out a gun and shot Joe in the head, this would be a perfect way to set up a thriller
gellaho
Joe, having exploded 99 times, is a bomb expert
FancyShark
Joe settled on making a sandwich while he thought things over
Gentleman Brendan
The only thing funnier than "Joe can't get rid of a bomb" would be if the guy blew them both up on accident halfway through "It's a bo--"
gellaho
Classic Hardy resolution
FancyShark
And NOW it explodes
Gentleman Brendan
this book is being plotjacked by Earth-2 Hardys!
gellaho
Oliver Richards, the prankster novelist
FancyShark
Bold marketing strategy
Gentleman Brendan
"My name is Franklin W. Dixon. You have to come with me, you're both in grave danger!"
gellaho
Sort of
FancyShark
Stranger Danger. Stranger Danger!
gellaho
The Nardy Boys
FancyShark
haha
Gentleman Brendan
My name is Morrison. Grant Morrison.
Moe Nardy
MOE
NARDY
FancyShark
This guy's writing process must be fun
Excellent title, @gellaho
gellaho
Here comes Daddy Hardy to do nothing
Gentleman Brendan
You see, I couldn't write about you crime-solving 17-year-olds if you couldn't handle holding a live bomb.
FancyShark
Typical Chicago writer
Gentleman Brendan
As proof of identity, I offer you these cardboard pieces of paper with my name on them.
FancyShark
If that's not enough, here's a dollhead with my itinerary
gellaho
I'm sure this gentle rebuffing strategy will work this time
FancyShark
Or you could call the cops on the guy that threatened your children, Fenton
Gentleman Brendan
The doorbell rang again. There stood Denton Nardy, fists clenched with rage.
gellaho
Why couldn't you be Moe Nardy, Joe
FancyShark
#releasethenardycut
Gentleman Brendan
Frank began giving Joe one of his patented neck rubs
gellaho
That is not something you should say to teenagers
FancyShark
Richards has the stalking progression all wrong
You're supposed to start with dinner and escalate to bomb threats
Gentleman Brendan
He's a writer, he has to grip your attention at the first page.
gellaho
Did they get an alien to ghost write this one?
gellaho
"Tell me of these action-adventure thrillers of which you speak"
FancyShark
"I'll be a star, boys. And you'll get to ride my sparkles."
Gentleman Brendan
You boys are missing your chance to get in on a ground-floor opportunity, now let me tell you what I need from you.
gellaho
What a coincidence
FancyShark
"Give me your hair. For contract purposes"
Gentleman Brendan
Boys, how many times do i have to tell you? I write men's adventure stories about brothers--like you!--who...who...travel the country, staying in motels and disrob--wait, is this the Jack Chick comic i just wrote up?
FancyShark
Not the NET!
Gentleman Brendan
This book can't tell if it wants to go metafiction or Earth-2 invasion.
FancyShark
And it hasn't even brought the idiot terrorist organization in yet!
gellaho
"It's great! Imagine the most generic story you can. That's it!"
FancyShark
"Strip-o-gram for Frank and Joe from a Mr. Richards"
gellaho
I like that there's a ultrasecret superagent. That is something a seven year old would say.
Gentleman Brendan
man, the '80s Army was terrible at guarding its plutonium.
FancyShark
Back then they'd just leave it on top of their cars and forget about it
gellaho
The only choice is to let Joe die, Frank
Gentleman Brendan
Frank chose, like always, a calculated violence
FancyShark
Frank pondered his choices. On the one hand, Joe was unkillable. On the other hand, the chapter was over.
gellaho
Booo
FancyShark
Richards is now taunting the armed men
gellaho
Seems legitimate to me
Gentleman Brendan
That ID tells me nothing, where's your business card?
FancyShark
You better have a lanyard on you
Gentleman Brendan
"I'm not above shooting a teenager at a mall if he tells me I can't abduct a guy whose fiction I dislike."
gellaho
So, they take him from the pizza place and Frank goes to his only true love: early 90s computers
FancyShark
You mean bombs?
gellaho
Roadkill on the information highway
FancyShark
Death to Joe
Gentleman Brendan
...strangely accurate assessment of the internet.
what year is this? '92?
gellaho
1995
Gentleman Brendan
Geez, Compuserve was still 8-bit back then.
FancyShark
Still fairly prophetic
gellaho
Then, release the sexual energy by fighting
Gentleman Brendan
4 years before the Matrix...things moved fast.
hey, we're gonna need a hardy boys Double dragon scroller made
FancyShark
"Looking slick, brother!"
Gentleman Brendan
Frank, who was incapable of sweat, was not himself slick.
gellaho
"You teens better stay off this case or the chief will take your nonexistent gun and badge"
Gentleman Brendan
when I think of Frank, I picture Jared Kushner if he'd sanded off his genitals.
FancyShark
I think Frank has more charisma than that. I picture more Ted Bundy
gellaho
The author really needs you to understand just how fat Chet is
FancyShark
Chet was a sweaty hero in the comic book one
A fat, fatty fat fat hero
Gentleman Brendan
It's a very special 100th episode. ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE HERE
Con Riley: Lawman
Chet Morton: Lumbering fatty
gellaho
Here's a softball game with the rest
Gentleman Brendan
Vanessa Kaboom: Girlfriend pieces
FancyShark
Dead dwarf: oh
Gentleman Brendan
Biff Bifferson: Left field
And Wally Mathers as The Shadowy Third Hardy
FancyShark
Chet, you're the poster child for COPD. You can't play
gellaho
Federal government moves quickly
FancyShark
yar
Gentleman Brendan
Oliver Richards is absolutely two 8-year-olds in a trenchcoat
FancyShark
For some reason, Oliver now winces every time a lamp flickers
gellaho
Gross
FancyShark
He put his other hand in his pocket and kept it there
gellaho
Things are not going well for Richards
Gentleman Brendan
Is this guy ever not getting abducted?
FancyShark
Richards doesn't have a car or cab fare, so he has to get abducted each time he needs groceries
gellaho
Gasp
FancyShark
Richards genitals will be cinders when next we see him. Adventure!
Gentleman Brendan
Theory: This is The Shop from Stephen King, recapturing its eletrotelekinetic.
gellaho
Mathematically, "the rest of the gang" is two people
FancyShark
"End the story after I'm gone before it becomes about playing caaaaards!"
Chet counts as several people
Gentleman Brendan
They count Chet as--yes
Plus Richards is actually a swarm of blackflies wearing a human suit.
gellaho
"How dare you children witness an abduction!"
FancyShark
This chief has ignored so much crime out of fury at the Hardys
He's just a bundle of raw nerves
gellaho
That guy who handed them a bomb couldn't be a terrorist
Gentleman Brendan
Richards as Fantomas is the greatest turn since Jar-Jar corrupted that Anakin kid.
FancyShark
"There are no other charges to level at him. Just terrorism"
gellaho
"I will not investigate the people who shot you because they might have been terrorists"
gellaho
Wait
FancyShark
Hey, he IS a real cop!
Gentleman Brendan
Terrorism is the word the government uses for its competition.
The state establishes itself with its monopoly on violence.
All nations are kleptocracies. BLOW UP THE CREDIT CARD DATABASES, FRANK
gellaho
10/10 espionage here
FancyShark
"Not Spy Offices, how can I help you?"
John
On their first day, every employee is issued a briefcase that says "Not Spy Stuff" on the side
Gentleman Brendan
Suddenly, Carol Hardy picked up the phone and started dialing.
"Mom! MOM!" whined Frank.
gellaho
Something is wrong, this ultrasecret super-duper spy always takes our phone calls
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
"I told you i needed to call Aunt Jeanie after you hung up the internet thing!" squawked a woman born in the '40s.
FancyShark
The spy agency that can't trace calls
It's a cardboard box with "SPY" written on it in crayon, staffed by a pair of children
Gentleman Brendan
The spy agency that tells anonymous, angry young men calling exactly which personnel are onsite.
gellaho
As a beat cop, Con Riley is kept up to date on all federal activities
Gentleman Brendan
"Ballpark, babe, how many employees are there today?" Joe butted in
FancyShark
"He's not in, but I can give you his passphrase if you want to leave a voicemail"
Damn federal traitors always wait until the shift change
Gentleman Brendan
Joe and Frank wandered into a Nelson DeMille novel.
gellaho
"They could never forget the unremarkable face"
FancyShark
His blandness was overwhelming
Gentleman Brendan
Legitimately solid twist.
well...turn
FancyShark
It's gonna be "clones"
gellaho
ASSASSINS
FancyShark
WOOOOO
Don't worry, boys. You were always losers
Gentleman Brendan
https://dc.fandom.com/wiki/Gray_Man_I_(New_Earth)
John
Is this before or after they learned about the clones?
Because if it's after I think I know what'
s happening
gellaho
After
Gentleman Brendan
Iola is gonna step out of the shadows on page 88.
gellaho
Joe is having an episode
Gentleman Brendan
But no--it was impossible! The face before him was all-too familiar, had haunted his nightmares for the past year.
John
Then jump into another exploding car just to fuck with Joe
Gentleman Brendan
Shouldn't you boys be looking at colleges?
FancyShark
No! Terrorism and creepy authors and blank faced government agents!
Seriously, they captured the Gray Man in the last encounter. They have seen his face. If it's not a "clone" (i.e. an actor with some minor facial surgery), it's impossible
Gentleman Brendan
Frank, your mother and I want you to know we love you no matter what lifestyle you choose. Joe, the same goes for you, even though yours is far too aggressive.
gellaho
This is some classic Joe. Step 1) Unearned confidence and gut feelings
FancyShark
And they drive head-on into a brick wall
Gentleman Brendan
What college would they even go to? I'm thinking Notre Dame.
gellaho
Step 2) Be immediately wrong
FancyShark
DeVry
gellaho
Step 3) Try the exact same thing again
gellaho
Step 4) Me Hungry
Gentleman Brendan
Well right now they're going to Skidmore.
gellaho
And yes, they are going back to the same pizza place where the guy was abducted in the first place
Gentleman Brendan
The criminal always returns to the scene of delicious pizza.
FancyShark
The owner of the pizza place is numb to danger at this point
Gentleman Brendan
I bet they live in a town with bad pizza.
FancyShark
"Our special today is 'Leave, Frank and Joe. Leave and Never Come Back'"
Gentleman Brendan
San Diablo, CA was known for two things: its famous 'NorCal-style' pizza with a wheat thin-based crust, and its resident adventurers.
gellaho
Pizza Spy
Gentleman Brendan
PIZZASPYGATE
John
Suddenly a line, miles long, forms in front of the shop.
gellaho
Pizza Spy, Copyright 2021 gellaho industries
Gentleman Brendan
He's just waiting till the basement opens at 6. And you boys?
FancyShark
"He licked it first"
Gentleman Brendan
It's time you boys understood.
gellaho
"He was one of the most powerful and secretive people in the world. And he had a phone number anyone could call"
Gentleman Brendan
Though I entered The Network with good intentions, I found it's not possible to make a difference with honor. The people who run this world...listen to me, you cannot cross Hollywood and state ballot auditors, boys. I was forced to do things...
gellaho
Frank quickly reconsidered whether Callie was right in the head
John
We're assuming this is a business relationship. I think it's reasonable to assume the Gray Man just likes 'em young.
FancyShark
Callie, keep up
Since the Gray Man is supposed to be completely unremarkable and blend in everywhere, I assume he'll be played in the film adaptation by Javier Bardem?
gellaho
Introduce Vanessa to the scene, then leave the scene
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I can't help picturing the gray man as the g man from half life.
gellaho
Don't call the teens "ladies" please
FancyShark
I don't have the Baethan emoji to properly react to that
Gentleman Brendan
If they're not old enough to be ladies, then why did THEY seduce HIM, officer?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Although frankly any other term he used would probably sound worse.
gellaho
:lordbaethan:
FancyShark
Also, if you didn't want to be noticed, Gray Man, why did you go to a place that's both public and very close quarters?
John
This is very dangerous confidential information. I'm going to a different part of this very public place full of people to discuss it.
gellaho
This organization has infinite layers of authority. It eventually cycles around and the dudes in the mail room have the actual authority
Gentleman Brendan
We can't trust anyone in SHIELD not to be Hydra. We're out in the cold. Call the Hardy Boys.
FancyShark
Without agency approval? To interrogate someone that might have agency secrets?
Gentleman Brendan
The Agency is making some mighty big leaps if its leader can't blackbag a guy who exposed your entire op.
FancyShark
"He knows the phone number!"
gellaho
I have no idea why they are going to meet up again in 45 minutes
FancyShark
Every both of the agents
Gentleman Brendan
Maybe the Assassins are winning because The Network needs better project management software.
FancyShark
The Assassins are being handed a victory on a silver platter. I can't wait to see how bad they fuck this up
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They have a window to escape while the network scheduled meetings that could have been emails.
gellaho
The foolproof plan is to go back to the house. Then make their girlfriends pretend to be them, so they can leave the house
FancyShark
Just like Callies 1-14
gellaho
They went back to the house for... reasons
FancyShark
Joe will require Vanessa to dress as him every night from now on
gellaho
Can't believe that didn't work
FancyShark
Joe: Master of Stealth
gellaho
Frank knew these slobs couldn't possibly be with the government
FancyShark
No facial hair in the supersecret government agency
gellaho
Frank: karate
Joe: shoving
FancyShark
Remember: when you have a gun, charge the enemy
gellaho
Joe's go to is "peepholes"
gellaho
I guess I know what Joe gets up to
FancyShark
"Joe, there aren't any holes in the-"
"Peepholes in your bedroom door and the bathroom door!"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
'Why does this one have a camera in it, Joe?"
Gentleman Brendan
The only explanation is these two boys have hacked the Matrix and it's all catching up to them.
FancyShark
"Uh...it's a...bullet!"
gellaho
The Gray Man has brought along his Groucho glasses
FancyShark
Every one of those geese is an agent in disguise
gellaho
Approaching Jagged Steele territory
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"feeding geese, grey man? You could at least try to be less of a spy stereotype."
FancyShark
"You boys can keep your mouths shut, right?"
"National secrets and all that"
gellaho
I like how they are constantly harassed in their small town, but the federal government can't stop them from flying
Gentleman Brendan
Starting to think the Network may be right to suspect the Gray Man
FancyShark
Hey readers! Think you can break into the US Nuclear Arsenal faster than the Hardys?
gellaho
"We have to karate several people to get to the park, but easily get to the airport and to Denver"
FancyShark
Write to us telling how you'd do it!
gellaho
Maybe Joe is a ninja turtle
FancyShark
I'm so glad the US has a nuclear stockpile that's protected by a single fence
Gentleman Brendan
The Hardys are idiot patsys meant to distract and befuddle what really happened.
gellaho
God, Joe is such an asshole
Gentleman Brendan
Are they ordering a pizza at the pizzeria?
FancyShark
"LEAVE US ALONE, JOE! THERE ARE OTHER PIZZA PARLORS!"
Joe's still more polite than some rental car customers
Gentleman Brendan
well if they landed at JFK yesterday, there's no way the Assassins have made it past Floral Park yet.
In the '90s? Bumper to bumper, and the E's always under construction.
gellaho
Frank thinks getting the phone number for a rental car agency is worth a flight to Denver
FancyShark
Who would lock a door at a nuke storage facility?
gellaho
Joe gets his favorite thing! Explosives!
FancyShark
Was the last tenant Wile E. Coyote?
Gentleman Brendan
You mean computers?
gellaho
It explodes uneventfully. I guess the ASSASSINS really didn't want anyone finding that phone number
Gentleman Brendan
Why do the Assassins need nukes when they could just put three of Joe's girlfriends in a van for the same blast yield?
gellaho
Jesus, what a couple of assholes
FancyShark
I guess the Gray Man is paying for their flights
Gentleman Brendan
The laws don't apply to us because we are on a mission from Gray.
Behold, we will be forgiven for our transgressions in paradise.
Gray is plainly radicalizing these two idiot, angry incels
FancyShark
What Frank just did is why everyone that ever rents a car has to wait several hours
Gentleman Brendan
Osama Bin Lawman over here
gellaho
All of that, to find out they rented a black sedan
gellaho
Which we already knew
FancyShark
Wasteful Spending, awaaaaay!
Gentleman Brendan
Well it shouldn't be hard to find every livery car in NYC.
Oh wait, they're going to LI.
it...has 9000 people
FancyShark
I'm sure they'll look for more information to narrow down their search
gellaho
Who would have guessed they'd be staying in one of Bayport's many, many abandoned properties
FancyShark
They wouldn't be stupid enough to take that bit of info and just start looking--
goddammit
gellaho
A great relationship
FancyShark
Vanessa knows Joe's issues and sticks with him?
Gentleman Brendan
Vanessa, you're not getting it: the Hardys are dispensible. You--you've got a FUTURE!
FancyShark
She's a saint
gellaho
Science is hard
Gentleman Brendan
The number of women in college who don't realize how often they're apologizing for their dumb, angry boyfriend...
"Joe's not usually like this. He's really sweet, he's just got a temper. He only punched that guy in a ghost costume once and he felt really bad."
FancyShark
"What about those shrapnel scars on your-"
"I fell"
Gentleman Brendan
It was my fault, I got into a van while we were dating.
gellaho
How will this be resolved
FancyShark
A "trained" killer
gellaho
A familiar voice, huh
FancyShark
Please be Chet
gellaho
I thought I'd bring my competition bow and arrow... for some reason
FancyShark
"Oh, it's Vanessa"
Joe continues punching
gellaho
"THE 5G GAVE 'EM COVID, I TELLS YA!"
gellaho
Time for the cover
FancyShark
And we're sure all of the Assassins are in that one house?
John
We need someone with no experience and no equipment to work with live high-voltage lines. Vanessa, get up there.
gellaho
Your girly arms couldn't possibly accomplish this task
FancyShark
Because with a composite bow it totally matters how strong the archer is
Budd Dwyer Thought
vanessa you dumb bitch
Gentleman Brendan
Wait, didn't you call this earlier?
Where was Vanessa on 1/6?
gellaho
"Frank did not know what would happen, even though he already explained what would happen"
FancyShark
"Myrtle, there's some brats shooting arrows at the power lines across the street"
John
"Hello 911, yes I don't know if I'm reporting a crime or the world's stupidest prank. Anyway, 3 kids are dead."
Gentleman Brendan
And that's why they should have been insulated.
gellaho
Well, they got the dumbass writer
gellaho
Oops
Gentleman Brendan
In the neo-natal ward, three infants on life support expired so that Joe could play hero instead of calling the base to warn them.
Dozens of seniors perished without A/C.
FancyShark
"Wait, boys. Leave me tied up. I think we can make this work."
Gentleman Brendan
Pizza parlors everywhere had to send their teen/spook alliances home with free pizza and ice cream.
John
How could they have known this inconspicuous windowless van was ours.
It has a mural on the side.
That could have belonged to any Hardy Boys Detective Agency!
gellaho
And one rented black sedan
Gentleman Brendan
They must have an inside man. How else could they know NARDY BOYZ DETECTIVES was actuall Hardy Boys Investigations?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe fights a window unit.
FancyShark
A child plugging in his home-made radio was blasted to ash
Gentleman Brendan
Electricity is magical in Hardyville
gellaho
The superagent did not think about the van they had left the keys in
Gentleman Brendan
It can hack a computer with a virus that makes it explode, it can propel an A/C unit
FancyShark
Gray Man, what do you even bring to this operation?
Besides inevitable betrayal
gellaho
Richards is a dumbass
Gentleman Brendan
He's written to be a dumbass, just not the kind of dumbass he is.
It's not his fault the terrorists are so derivative and pat.
FancyShark
Half the terrorists in the country? They have census numbers?
Gentleman Brendan
Everyone with a vagina is the enemy, Fancy.
And the Chads they spread for FUCK DAD CLOSE THE DOOOOOOOR
gellaho
Richards has decided to go into deep debt for this
FancyShark
That was the closest they ever got to finding out about Richards' human trafficking ring
Gentleman Brendan
Joe, who once garroted a sentry in San Columbador, can't believe you can purchase a used vehicle same day.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Frank is at least clever enough to stop Joe from asking about the smell coming from the trunk
gellaho
The GTO: known for being cheap
FancyShark
This argument feels real
Joe represents the mechanic that made the writer cry
gellaho
OK, Richards has straight up lost his mind
FancyShark
Richards is clearly white
gellaho
They're fucking wanted for treason
I don't think that applies
Gentleman Brendan
Richards is the first guy to explain why that cop who shot a guy in the back was an exceptional case
hE tHOuGHt hE wAs BeiNg lED iNTo a tRAP.
FancyShark
He has some nitpicked crime stats bookmarked
Gentleman Brendan
So if I'm following this
GM had Richards arrested for aping reality
Then the Network arrested GM for trying to cover up their conspiracy
gellaho
I can't believe the writer couldn't pull this off
Gentleman Brendan
But lost Richards to the assassins
And now the apple dumpling gang here is reunited
So here's what Richards should do.
FancyShark
"Tell them everything"? I'm sure cops will be real receptive to "international terrorists want to steal nukes with the help of a writer"
Gentleman Brendan
You don't want to ram a barricade high-speed. About 30 mph
keep backing up so you don't total the guts
and hit the trunk to pivot the cop car
gellaho
Meet Mr. Henkels
Gentleman Brendan
The Gray Man has a Gray Man
...they know about this?
gellaho
You'd never guess it, but he's slender
FancyShark
GASP
Gentleman Brendan
Being fat makes you stupid in this town.
FancyShark
Sorry, Chet
gellaho
Prophetic
FancyShark
Unlike actual authorities, who negotiate all the time
gellaho
What you want to do is annoy the kidnappers
FancyShark
Sick burn by the kidnapper
John
"Give us what we want or we kill our only leverage" is a bold threat that always works somehow.
gellaho
The kidnappers want to gleam the cube first
Gentleman Brendan
...you're not even going to call the van to see the situation, triangulate a signal?
gellaho
No joke, there has been a black, yellow, brown, and gray sedan in this book
Gentleman Brendan
They filmed part of gleaming the cube at the dead mall in my town, and now it's the thriving mall, and NOBODY had money on that one surviving the others.
There was zero reason to do this. No other filming took place nearby.
FancyShark
Who wants to bet their plan involves Joe tackling a man with a gun?
Gentleman Brendan
it was just...california....connecticut dead mall.
so do they call him The Gray Man to his face, or is he just Gary?
FancyShark
He insists on "The G Man", but no one calls him that
gellaho
The Gray Man is like "fuck national security, let's save this one girl"
FancyShark
Richards, how do you have any input in this?
Gentleman Brendan
Who knows? I might even not have America's worst secrets tortured out of me.
gellaho
Because he has a car, apparently
FancyShark
How many testicles can they shock, anyway?
Gentleman Brendan
What are the odds Gray man was the real JFK shooter?
FancyShark
The Network needs a company car
Gentleman Brendan
The Network doesn't...wh...
FancyShark
Cardboard box, man. I'm telling you.
gellaho
Marvel as they perform basic car maintenance
Gentleman Brendan
all i know is SOMEONE is going to die of electrocution and archery
FancyShark
A crack in the water hose? TERRORISM!
Gentleman Brendan
A spook, a creep, and two incels, and NONE of them carries duct tape?
gellaho
You'll never guess it, but they fixed the hose
Gentleman Brendan
This entire book is kidnappers getting kidnapped.
John
The first draft must have been 3 pages too short
Gentleman Brendan
They ookie-cookied it.
Just a big ol' hose sealant circle jerk
gellaho
Fuck you, Joe!
Gentleman Brendan
YEsSSSSssS
We all knew this was coming
FancyShark
Joe is now fully erect
Gentleman Brendan
and now, so can we.
gellaho
I love that they assume she was in there without any proof
gellaho
They just showed up in the woods and their van exploded
Gentleman Brendan
"Still," Frank grinned at his brother, "Life. Y'gotta laugh, right?"
FancyShark
Those darn Assassins!
Gentleman Brendan
joe's gonna be that freshman who doesn't talk to everyone, but somehow they all still know he lost TWO girlfriends in vansplosions.
John
"If you think about it, it's actually kinda funny."
Gentleman Brendan
She's alive, but can you imagine?
TWO
gellaho
Double twist
Gentleman Brendan
By the time you're 30 you should have a five-figure retirement fund and two young loves exploded before your eyes in a car bomb.
FancyShark
Joe would be the only person called "Van Guy" that had a dark backstory without serving time
gellaho
Bob: Deadly assassin
Gentleman Brendan
"Who you are is kind of important because it sounds like you're a friend?"
FancyShark
Hi, Bob
Gentleman Brendan
Your girlfriend can still be blown up, Joe. It's happened before.
Bob Blofeld, architect of all your pain.
FancyShark
He has a white cat plushie
gellaho
Well, I gotta find this book
FancyShark
YEEESSSS
Gentleman Brendan
Does Bob have an Aussie accent, or a Vietnamese one?
FancyShark
Boston
Gentleman Brendan
joe I blew up ya fahkkin cah to wahn ya about ya girlfriend.
FancyShark
Ya crahss me, ah'll kick ya ass wicked bad
Gentleman Brendan
Don't impede my plans, Joe, also I think the Bruins are goin' all the way this yeah
FancyShark
Ahlsa, fuck Derek Jetah
Gentleman Brendan
I am a Red Sox fan, and believe me, we are the WORST
problematic fox Djonin
What's going on, I heard my uncle's voice coming from Book Dorks
Gentleman Brendan
Each victory only makes new england sports more toxic
gellaho
Is there Mexican water in New York
problematic fox Djonin
No, but there's Puerto Rican water there.
FancyShark
GASP
The Assassins are breaking into the Vitamin Water racket!
Gentleman Brendan
Those sons of bitches are going to rename the Jackie Onassis Reservoir!
gellaho
I think there's probably nuclear waste closer to New York than Denver
FancyShark
But the Hudson is so pristine!
Gentleman Brendan
Bahb from Bahston heah, I put the ya-RAIN-yum in the wahta
problematic fox Djonin
Presumably Three Mile Island.
Gentleman Brendan
yankees ssuuuuuuuuck plutonium tritium
gellaho
"But my girlfriend"
FancyShark
You'd think the Network would know about this
Gentleman Brendan
...so several security breaches at their minimum security POISON WATER storage
Gentleman Brendan
Those fools were too focused on which vans were kidnapping women
Alert The Network in Newark about New York
gellaho
Vanessa knows an awful lot about where she's being kept
gellaho
I think she's in on it
FancyShark
Hahaha, even thoughts have to explode to register with Joe
Gentleman Brendan
okay, at this point, someone needs to call the authorities.
All Joe's thoughts are explosive.
FancyShark
Don't you get it?! The authorities can't stop this! Only- wait, yeah, call the authorities
New York has enough problems without owing its survival to Joe Hardy
gellaho
They've gone up to a airplane hangar near the reservoirs
FancyShark
The Assassin Known as Bob
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Good name for a band.
FancyShark
Cargo door...? They're not on a commercial airliner?
gellaho
The ASSASSINS are finally going to win for once, goddammit
Gentleman Brendan
Thanks to Bob we're gonna wind up with President Dole
Bob's jovial laugh would have been way more disturbing.
HO HO HO! Very soon you'll SEE, my dear! as his belly shook
gellaho
Richards is very smart
FancyShark
Richards, you are walking collateral
gellaho
More explody
FancyShark
Also, you all have lymphoma
gellaho
I wonder where he got that Swiss army knife
FancyShark
Swiss army knives are very affordable and make a great gift
gellaho
FRANK HAS ENTERED HIS MIND PALACE
FancyShark
boom
gellaho
Really seems like the time for this
FancyShark
Fuck you, Dixon. I'm not changing my joke.
gellaho
Time for some slapstick
FancyShark
Dammit, Richards
Next he steps in a bucket and gets a pie to the face
gellaho
PROTECTING THEIR PRECIOUS PLUTONIUM
FancyShark
No, it's not genius. Just a stroke
gellaho
I feel like you could ask for more
FancyShark
Back in the 80's, ten million was worth, like, twenty million today
Gentleman Brendan
Oliver Richards, to be played by Tom Arnold.
gellaho
I am not clear on what Bob's endgame is
gellaho
The assassins are supposed to be mercenaries
FancyShark
Keep talking, Bob. Tell us every stupid facet of this doomed plan
Gentleman Brendan
Bob, how many times are we going to do this?
Gentleman Brendan
Really underpricing their protection racket.
gellaho
This only works if you don't show Frank deactivating the bombs
Gentleman Brendan
This is a one-off, don't amortize the payout.
FancyShark
They lack confidence in their own worth after all their Hardy-caused failures
Hold the fuck on
gellaho
Time Warp Nightmare
Gentleman Brendan
the Hardy's superpower is plot armor. Bob's is not caring if he lives in a Hardy-centric world
FancyShark
They won't stoop so low as to poison New York after they tried to destroy the world?
gellaho
don't worry about it
the hydrogen bomb thing is way in the past, man
think about the present
FancyShark
duuuude
gellaho
Joe realized a split second before the terrorist. But, ignore that. Vanessa's got it
Gentleman Brendan
The Assassins don't really assassinate anybody. They're more of a cynical anarchy outfit.
COBRA would actually oppose them.
FancyShark
COBRA would call their plans "poorly orchestrated"
Gentleman Brendan
I would absolutely forbid my daughter from seeing that Hardy boy after this.
Bob is out colder than a Bahstan cahffin
gellaho
Take out the word "flying" and this would be just as accurate
FancyShark
@gellaho wins
gellaho
also the word "about," but ignore that
Gentleman Brendan
Joe is losing info with every explosion/concussion.
Frank can hack the mainframe and disarm a bomb.
Joe is Kalibak before he's had his coffee.
gellaho
I don't think this is how it works at all
gellaho
I don't think you need a strongman to operate a plane
FancyShark
Richards is loving this
gellaho
Do airplanes abide by "test your strength" machine rules?
FancyShark
"That's right, Joe. Yank that yoke"
Gentleman Brendan
Stronger than gravity: a brother's love
gellaho
Joe: shitty to the end
FancyShark
The lake of New York?
gellaho
Also, Frank stabbed himself? Maybe?
FancyShark
Frank, you doofus
We need to get your helmet out of the closet
gellaho
Frank's sociopathy really helped him out
John
Stop me if you've heard this before but: These kids are incredibly dumb.
Hello Air Traffic Control, can I place a collect call?
FancyShark
Frank flicks hand blood in Joe's eyes, just to flex
gellaho
Richards is rock hard
John
Guys, I think I found the problem. The writer of this book thinks fiction writers and journalists are the same thing.
gellaho
The Hardys vow to torture Richards
FancyShark
THAT'S YOUR LEVERAGE?!
gellaho
The End
FancyShark
Fuck you, Dixon
gellaho
Seems familiar
Gentleman Brendan
Let's recap
John
This is insane. He writes fake stories! Dixon must believe there's actually a Harry Potter and a Huck Finn having drinks in a bar somewhere.
FancyShark
Carlos, you still visit Joe's dreams
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I'm more invested in the van than any characters here.
Gentleman Brendan
Things Frank did:
defused bomb
defused worse bomb
flew plane
Things Joe did:
Lost van
Lost gf (reclaimed)
screamed
FancyShark
That checks out, yep
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #100: True Thriller
FancyShark
I'm disappointed the Assassins' plan wasn't as insane as the last one, but it was still stupid, convoluted, and would accomplish nothing.
John
We did it!
FancyShark
Thank you @gellaho !
John
Yes, thanks @gellaho
FancyShark
Always fun riffing these with you all
John
It literally required the reader to not know the US nuclear arsenal is probably the most heavily guarded anything in human history
