gellaho
🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) Poll Time 🚨
This time, we will be exploring the concept of truth and reality through book titles. Vote using reactions
💀 #71 - Real Horror
⏰ #84 - False Alarm
🏹 #100 - True Thriller
35: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #100: True Thriller Franklin W. Dixon
Tags:
When you''re wired for action, you'd better be ready for the sparks to fly!
Archive
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Ugh none of these are really speaking to me
Gotta go with the bow and arrow one as the tiebreak
gellaho
The covers are fairly innocuous, but I have read the synopses
Ooh, boy
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
definitely real horror
I love watching the author bumblefuck their way through a scooby doo knockoff
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
What I'm gathering out of this is that we need to write books about the sons of the Hardy Boys
@"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks add it to the HYPELIST
gellaho
There is a Hardy Boys book about a secret third brother
gellaho
At any rate, I need more votes
FancyShark
Right now, bow and arrow is in the lead
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hell yeah
FancyShark
It looks like Joe's going to fire an arrow tied to electrical wire at more electrical wire in an obvious attempt to kill Frank
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Plus that's the 100th issue so you know Franklin is going all out
FancyShark
Oh damn, it is!
Evil J
Jeb Hardy, the deformed twin they kept in the shed
gellaho
I will not reveal any details, except that the synopses are wild on all
gellaho
Entirely possible
FancyShark
I'm still eager for more ASSASSINS plots
The one we read alluded to an earlier story where they tried to blow up a volcano to destroy the world. The fact they would have that kind of story in the same series where there was a case involving bootleg cassettes from a white, white rapper is amazing as hell
I'm hoping the volcano plot was their plan to get one of their people out of a parking ticket
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
I think a lot about how their plan to rig a trial was to just replace everyone with hypnotized clones
a guild of assassins
FancyShark
Not even the entire trial! Just the Hardys' testimony! For one guy
And don't forget they're actually terrorists that just call themselves "assassins"
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
also they could have pulled it off if they didn't bother to fuck with the hardys
FancyShark
Which is the stupid cherry on the idiot sundae
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
or, y'know, actually just killed people, because ASSASSINS
I think the only person that died was the little guy
do I remember that right?
FancyShark
And the clone of Frank's girlfriend
Yep, the dwarf died from...poison? I think?
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
and this is why I want to see that horror book
that last one was spooky themed and it was just insane and insanely stupid
FancyShark
this is true
I'm sticking with the bow and arrow this time around just to find out why the hell they have to shoot electrical wire at something
Every piece of electronic equipment is a bomb in their universe and they're carrying the go-juice
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
also they may or may not be robots
it's the only way they could have survived that much explosion trauma
gellaho
To be fair, the last spooky book was in Barbados. It had something to do with ghosts and a hotel and jewels
That's about all I remember
gellaho
I think my favorite tiny detail about The Hardy Boys Casefiles is that they capitalize Dumpster every time. Really respectful of branding
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Can't be on the receiving end of the lawsuits from Big Trash
gellaho
Our contestants have chosen The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #100: True Thriller. It will be read this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Let's see what our contestants have won!
gellaho
Our contestants have won:
1) A fictional author of thrillers
2) ASSASSINS
3) An ultrasecret Turncoat
4) And responsibility over the lives of 7 million people
@Brockway You have to save the lives of 7 million people. In order to stop the evil assassins, you must pin the above.
FancyShark
YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!
🥳
gellaho
What does any of that have to do with the cover? Who the fuck knows
FancyShark
THANK YOU, @gellaho !
gellaho
The other two books were about:
A) Fake Stephen King in a haunted murder house
B) Two new brothers stroll into town and try to steal the Hardy Boys' lives
FancyShark
Both sound insane, but I'm legit thrilled we're getting another ASSASSINS story
I'm guessing they want to kill that author for writing about something they did, even though he writes fiction and no one could identify them from his work
I can't imagine how sad your life would have to be to want to be Joe or Frank
gellaho
We'll find out eventually
FancyShark
The Fake Stephen King sounds hilarious too. Think he pissed off a group of special effects and stunt guys?
gellaho
I just like that the cover of the book has a tombstone that says Stevens. Which implies that the guy gets buried during the book
FancyShark
<muffled> "You boys will remember I'm down here, right?"
"..."
"...Boys?"
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Assassins!
gellaho
With that synopsis, they decided to go with that cover
It's baffling
gellaho
Coming up on the hour, it's Hardy Boys Casefiles #100: True Thriller. Here's the preview
gellaho
Looking like Joe is losing another one
:joe:
FancyShark
Joe's answer to a crisis is to blindly run. Which, yeah, that tracks
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Oh no, his van!
Oh yeah, and his girlfriend
Gentleman Brendan
YESSSSS centennial
Joe's copilot is DEATH and his only passenger is any woman foolish enough to get near a vehicle with him. He has a worse abduction/fatality rate than actual practicing serial killers.
Mike, AKA Captain APEBOX
I may actually be awake for this one….. but Im afraid that #100 may not be the best starting point for hardy boys. I've just missed so much.
Also, my phone is out of battery, and I should put it on the charge pad before I maybe fall back asleep
gellaho
Time to begin
FancyShark
If the ASSASSINS set up another insanely convoluted plot to accomplish something mundane, they will officially be my favorite villains in this series
gellaho
100th Casefile, 100th extracurricular activity for the Boys
FancyShark
No, Joe! Don't do it!
Gentleman Brendan
Somewhere in Norway, Joe's bow twangs.
gellaho
Vanessa first showed up in Hardy Boys #69: Mayhem in Motion, a previous Book Cage reading
unless this a different Vanessa. She seems to come and go
FancyShark
Nice
oh, sorry
Gentleman Brendan
No, that's Frank.
FancyShark
Frank the robot, leaving the ladies dry
gellaho
Joe is already mad at the fe-males
FancyShark
Callie was later found in a Dumpster
gellaho
this has to be the fifteenth Callie
In case you were unfamiliar with the bow and arrow
FancyShark
Oh hell. Did Hawke write this as a "funny" book?
Gentleman Brendan
Hawkeye can throw a punch, we get it.
gellaho
Frank and Callie are waiting for Joe to snap
gellaho
They aren't going to do anything about it, just watching
Gentleman Brendan
"WOMEN CAN'T DO A STRONG BECAUSE MAN IS...I Don'T GAY a wiFEmAN" Joe punched the wall with his bow.
FancyShark
If Joe's put off by that, I want to leave Vanessa my number
gellaho
Little rich boys with the car phone
Gentleman Brendan
Hell yeah, strong women are awesome
FancyShark
"I had to warn you, you have only two weeks to live!"
Gentleman Brendan
I have dated a trapeze artist and a shotputter and a kickboxer, and I would recommend any of that to anyone.
gellaho
I have some doubts about this science
FancyShark
I am painfully jealous of you right now, Brendan
Gentleman Brendan
Joe answers all phone calls like he's talking to an abductor, though.
gellaho
You know the common grift of calling two people on their car phone
FancyShark
"My name is..."
"What?"
"My name is..."
"What?"
"My name is..."
"FUCKING WAIT UNTIL THE STATIC CLEARS!"
Gentleman Brendan
5 pages in and we've set up all the callback plot points
Imagine the mad lad who gets a ransom call and just constantly pretends to be unable to hear them.
gellaho
Back at the Hardy estate
FancyShark
Dixon's being direct this time
Gentleman Brendan
Hell yea, let's follow THIS character
FancyShark
If he took out a gun and shot Joe in the head, this would be a perfect way to set up a thriller
gellaho
Joe, having exploded 99 times, is a bomb expert
FancyShark
Joe settled on making a sandwich while he thought things over
Gentleman Brendan
The only thing funnier than "Joe can't get rid of a bomb" would be if the guy blew them both up on accident halfway through "It's a bo--"
gellaho
Classic Hardy resolution
FancyShark
And NOW it explodes
Gentleman Brendan
this book is being plotjacked by Earth-2 Hardys!
gellaho
Oliver Richards, the prankster novelist
FancyShark
Bold marketing strategy
Gentleman Brendan
"My name is Franklin W. Dixon. You have to come with me, you're both in grave danger!"
gellaho
Sort of
FancyShark
Stranger Danger. Stranger Danger!
gellaho
The Nardy Boys
FancyShark
haha
Gentleman Brendan
My name is Morrison. Grant Morrison.
Moe Nardy
MOE
NARDY
FancyShark
This guy's writing process must be fun
Excellent title, @gellaho
gellaho
Here comes Daddy Hardy to do nothing
Gentleman Brendan
You see, I couldn't write about you crime-solving 17-year-olds if you couldn't handle holding a live bomb.
FancyShark
Typical Chicago writer
Gentleman Brendan
As proof of identity, I offer you these cardboard pieces of paper with my name on them.
FancyShark
If that's not enough, here's a dollhead with my itinerary
gellaho
I'm sure this gentle rebuffing strategy will work this time
FancyShark
Or you could call the cops on the guy that threatened your children, Fenton
Gentleman Brendan
The doorbell rang again. There stood Denton Nardy, fists clenched with rage.
gellaho
Why couldn't you be Moe Nardy, Joe
FancyShark
#releasethenardycut
Gentleman Brendan
Frank began giving Joe one of his patented neck rubs
gellaho
That is not something you should say to teenagers
FancyShark
Richards has the stalking progression all wrong
You're supposed to start with dinner and escalate to bomb threats
Gentleman Brendan
He's a writer, he has to grip your attention at the first page.
gellaho
Did they get an alien to ghost write this one?
gellaho
"Tell me of these action-adventure thrillers of which you speak"
FancyShark
"I'll be a star, boys. And you'll get to ride my sparkles."
Gentleman Brendan
You boys are missing your chance to get in on a ground-floor opportunity, now let me tell you what I need from you.
gellaho
What a coincidence
FancyShark
"Give me your hair. For contract purposes"
Gentleman Brendan
Boys, how many times do i have to tell you? I write men's adventure stories about brothers--like you!--who...who...travel the country, staying in motels and disrob--wait, is this the Jack Chick comic i just wrote up?
FancyShark
Not the NET!
Gentleman Brendan
This book can't tell if it wants to go metafiction or Earth-2 invasion.
FancyShark
And it hasn't even brought the idiot terrorist organization in yet!
gellaho
"It's great! Imagine the most generic story you can. That's it!"
FancyShark
"Strip-o-gram for Frank and Joe from a Mr. Richards"
gellaho
I like that there's a ultrasecret superagent. That is something a seven year old would say.
Gentleman Brendan
man, the '80s Army was terrible at guarding its plutonium.
FancyShark
Back then they'd just leave it on top of their cars and forget about it
gellaho
The only choice is to let Joe die, Frank
Gentleman Brendan
Frank chose, like always, a calculated violence
FancyShark
Frank pondered his choices. On the one hand, Joe was unkillable. On the other hand, the chapter was over.
gellaho
Booo
FancyShark
Richards is now taunting the armed men
gellaho
Seems legitimate to me
Gentleman Brendan
That ID tells me nothing, where's your business card?
FancyShark
You better have a lanyard on you
Gentleman Brendan
"I'm not above shooting a teenager at a mall if he tells me I can't abduct a guy whose fiction I dislike."
gellaho
So, they take him from the pizza place and Frank goes to his only true love: early 90s computers
FancyShark
You mean bombs?
gellaho
Roadkill on the information highway
FancyShark
Death to Joe
Gentleman Brendan
...strangely accurate assessment of the internet.
what year is this? '92?
gellaho
1995
Gentleman Brendan
Geez, Compuserve was still 8-bit back then.
FancyShark
Still fairly prophetic
gellaho
Then, release the sexual energy by fighting
Gentleman Brendan
4 years before the Matrix...things moved fast.
hey, we're gonna need a hardy boys Double dragon scroller made
FancyShark
"Looking slick, brother!"
Gentleman Brendan
Frank, who was incapable of sweat, was not himself slick.
gellaho
"You teens better stay off this case or the chief will take your nonexistent gun and badge"
Gentleman Brendan
when I think of Frank, I picture Jared Kushner if he'd sanded off his genitals.
FancyShark
I think Frank has more charisma than that. I picture more Ted Bundy
gellaho
The author really needs you to understand just how fat Chet is
FancyShark
Chet was a sweaty hero in the comic book one
A fat, fatty fat fat hero
Gentleman Brendan
It's a very special 100th episode. ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE HERE
Con Riley: Lawman
Chet Morton: Lumbering fatty
gellaho
Here's a softball game with the rest
Gentleman Brendan
Vanessa Kaboom: Girlfriend pieces
FancyShark
Dead dwarf: oh
Gentleman Brendan
Biff Bifferson: Left field
And Wally Mathers as The Shadowy Third Hardy
FancyShark
Chet, you're the poster child for COPD. You can't play
gellaho
Federal government moves quickly
FancyShark
yar
Gentleman Brendan
Oliver Richards is absolutely two 8-year-olds in a trenchcoat
FancyShark
For some reason, Oliver now winces every time a lamp flickers
gellaho
Gross
FancyShark
He put his other hand in his pocket and kept it there
gellaho
Things are not going well for Richards
Gentleman Brendan
Is this guy ever not getting abducted?
FancyShark
Richards doesn't have a car or cab fare, so he has to get abducted each time he needs groceries
gellaho
Gasp
FancyShark
Richards genitals will be cinders when next we see him. Adventure!
Gentleman Brendan
Theory: This is The Shop from Stephen King, recapturing its eletrotelekinetic.
gellaho
Mathematically, "the rest of the gang" is two people
FancyShark
"End the story after I'm gone before it becomes about playing caaaaards!"
Chet counts as several people
Gentleman Brendan
They count Chet as--yes
Plus Richards is actually a swarm of blackflies wearing a human suit.
gellaho
"How dare you children witness an abduction!"
FancyShark
This chief has ignored so much crime out of fury at the Hardys
He's just a bundle of raw nerves
gellaho
That guy who handed them a bomb couldn't be a terrorist
Gentleman Brendan
Richards as Fantomas is the greatest turn since Jar-Jar corrupted that Anakin kid.
FancyShark
"There are no other charges to level at him. Just terrorism"
gellaho
"I will not investigate the people who shot you because they might have been terrorists"
gellaho
Wait
FancyShark
Hey, he IS a real cop!
Gentleman Brendan
Terrorism is the word the government uses for its competition.
The state establishes itself with its monopoly on violence.
All nations are kleptocracies. BLOW UP THE CREDIT CARD DATABASES, FRANK
gellaho
10/10 espionage here
FancyShark
"Not Spy Offices, how can I help you?"
John
On their first day, every employee is issued a briefcase that says "Not Spy Stuff" on the side
Gentleman Brendan
Suddenly, Carol Hardy picked up the phone and started dialing.
"Mom! MOM!" whined Frank.
gellaho
Something is wrong, this ultrasecret super-duper spy always takes our phone calls
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
"I told you i needed to call Aunt Jeanie after you hung up the internet thing!" squawked a woman born in the '40s.
FancyShark
The spy agency that can't trace calls
It's a cardboard box with "SPY" written on it in crayon, staffed by a pair of children
Gentleman Brendan
The spy agency that tells anonymous, angry young men calling exactly which personnel are onsite.
gellaho
As a beat cop, Con Riley is kept up to date on all federal activities
Gentleman Brendan
"Ballpark, babe, how many employees are there today?" Joe butted in
FancyShark
"He's not in, but I can give you his passphrase if you want to leave a voicemail"
Damn federal traitors always wait until the shift change
Gentleman Brendan
Joe and Frank wandered into a Nelson DeMille novel.
gellaho
"They could never forget the unremarkable face"
FancyShark
His blandness was overwhelming
Gentleman Brendan
Legitimately solid twist.
well...turn
FancyShark
It's gonna be "clones"
gellaho
ASSASSINS
FancyShark
WOOOOO
Don't worry, boys. You were always losers
Gentleman Brendan
https://dc.fandom.com/wiki/Gray_Man_I_(New_Earth)
John
Is this before or after they learned about the clones?
Because if it's after I think I know what'
s happening
gellaho
After
Gentleman Brendan
Iola is gonna step out of the shadows on page 88.
gellaho
Joe is having an episode
Gentleman Brendan
But no--it was impossible! The face before him was all-too familiar, had haunted his nightmares for the past year.
John
Then jump into another exploding car just to fuck with Joe
Gentleman Brendan
Shouldn't you boys be looking at colleges?
FancyShark
No! Terrorism and creepy authors and blank faced government agents!
Seriously, they captured the Gray Man in the last encounter. They have seen his face. If it's not a "clone" (i.e. an actor with some minor facial surgery), it's impossible
Gentleman Brendan
Frank, your mother and I want you to know we love you no matter what lifestyle you choose. Joe, the same goes for you, even though yours is far too aggressive.
gellaho
This is some classic Joe. Step 1) Unearned confidence and gut feelings
FancyShark
And they drive head-on into a brick wall
Gentleman Brendan
What college would they even go to? I'm thinking Notre Dame.
gellaho
Step 2) Be immediately wrong
FancyShark
DeVry
gellaho
Step 3) Try the exact same thing again
gellaho
Step 4) Me Hungry
Gentleman Brendan
Well right now they're going to Skidmore.
gellaho
And yes, they are going back to the same pizza place where the guy was abducted in the first place
Gentleman Brendan
The criminal always returns to the scene of delicious pizza.
FancyShark
The owner of the pizza place is numb to danger at this point
Gentleman Brendan
I bet they live in a town with bad pizza.
FancyShark
"Our special today is 'Leave, Frank and Joe. Leave and Never Come Back'"
Gentleman Brendan
San Diablo, CA was known for two things: its famous 'NorCal-style' pizza with a wheat thin-based crust, and its resident adventurers.
gellaho
Pizza Spy
Gentleman Brendan
PIZZASPYGATE
John
Suddenly a line, miles long, forms in front of the shop.
gellaho
Pizza Spy, Copyright 2021 gellaho industries
Gentleman Brendan
He's just waiting till the basement opens at 6. And you boys?
FancyShark
"He licked it first"
Gentleman Brendan
It's time you boys understood.
gellaho
"He was one of the most powerful and secretive people in the world. And he had a phone number anyone could call"
Gentleman Brendan
Though I entered The Network with good intentions, I found it's not possible to make a difference with honor. The people who run this world...listen to me, you cannot cross Hollywood and state ballot auditors, boys. I was forced to do things...
gellaho
Frank quickly reconsidered whether Callie was right in the head
John
We're assuming this is a business relationship. I think it's reasonable to assume the Gray Man just likes 'em young.
FancyShark
Callie, keep up
Since the Gray Man is supposed to be completely unremarkable and blend in everywhere, I assume he'll be played in the film adaptation by Javier Bardem?
gellaho
Introduce Vanessa to the scene, then leave the scene
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I can't help picturing the gray man as the g man from half life.
gellaho
Don't call the teens "ladies" please
FancyShark
I don't have the Baethan emoji to properly react to that
Gentleman Brendan
If they're not old enough to be ladies, then why did THEY seduce HIM, officer?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Although frankly any other term he used would probably sound worse.
gellaho
:lordbaethan:
FancyShark
Also, if you didn't want to be noticed, Gray Man, why did you go to a place that's both public and very close quarters?
John
This is very dangerous confidential information. I'm going to a different part of this very public place full of people to discuss it.
gellaho
This organization has infinite layers of authority. It eventually cycles around and the dudes in the mail room have the actual authority
Gentleman Brendan
We can't trust anyone in SHIELD not to be Hydra. We're out in the cold. Call the Hardy Boys.
FancyShark
Without agency approval? To interrogate someone that might have agency secrets?
Gentleman Brendan
The Agency is making some mighty big leaps if its leader can't blackbag a guy who exposed your entire op.
FancyShark
"He knows the phone number!"
gellaho
I have no idea why they are going to meet up again in 45 minutes
