55: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #84: False Alarm Franklin W. Dixon

#84 The Hardy Boys Casefiles

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When the pressure's on, one false move can lead to a crushing blow!

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gellaho

Speaking of the lusty adventures of children, it's the Hardy Boys! Except wait, FOUR HARDY BOYS!?!? Indeed, there's a new group of unqualified detectives on the case as Ed and Peter attempt to steal Frank and Joe's lives. It's the Hardys versus the Masons, this Friday 5pm eastern, in The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #84: False Alarm.

gellaho
gellaho

@Brockway You better pin this before one of the Mason boys puts the moves on your lady

FancyShark

Frank vs Robots? Sign me up

gellaho

Ooh, target acquired

gellaho

Under an hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles™ #84: False Alarm. Here is the preview

Gentleman Brendan

Seems like an OSHA violation.

gellaho

It is a lot for this museum

Gentleman Brendan

Joe looks like he only shows up at the lodge for apres-ski with the blood of a missing Olympian on his sleeves and collar

He's dressed like the 1944 Wyoming version of a kid whose dad owns a dealership (mustang ranch?)

FancyShark

SPECTRE sold the building to the museum owners cheap

Gentleman Brendan

if that kid went to my high school, everyone would hate him and not know why until they realized he had no scent.

I don't know why that joke required him to go to my high school, I went to bed at 6 a.m. You're lucky you get any punchlines today, you ungrateful parasites, I have half a mind to take off my sheep's wool jacket and thrash you till father nods approvingly.

gellaho

Just an excessive amount of crowns in that museum

And scrunched together so tightly

FancyShark

Put all the jewelry right by the door? Sure, why not?

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Blowing off work early, but I'm still going to miss the beginning of this while I drive home.

FancyShark

I'll take what I can get. We'll just assume that you fell asleep if you stop typing

FancyShark

rekt. But I'm going to be in a meeting for the next hour, so I'm going to miss the early part too

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Luckily my manager was understanding when I told them I needed to leave early to dunk on some fictional teenagers.

gellaho

Time to begin

John

Let's go. Feels like forever since I could join one of these. Feels good.

gellaho

We open with Joe wrasslin'

FancyShark

hawt

"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks

Very hawt

"A shriek from the coach's whistle" talk about descriptive metaphors

gellaho

Ed Mason: Muscle Teen

gellaho
"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks

So he looks like one of the Barbarian Bros?

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

How are his lats though

Hmmm my name might be problematic here now

gellaho

"Wrestling sure is harder than when my girlfriend exploded"

John

Maybe this is on me, but the stubby nose bit struck me as strange. Like "hey, this guy is definitely a gentile" strange.

"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks

I think it's more that the trope of stupid is like a piggish nose?

gellaho

Diet tips anger Joe

"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks

"Who's this fucking guy think he is, coming into MY middle school and MY wrestling team?"

gellaho

Joe naturally uses snack based taunts

gellaho
"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks

Yeah, most wrestling matches end with one guys getting his face ground into the mat with like a "enjoy this mat sandwich!" from the other opponent

Gentleman Brendan

Hello, my hardy Hardy party.

gellaho

Ghostwriter: "I really need to emphasize the physique of this 16 year old"

Gentleman Brendan

Let's party hearty.

"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks

"So pumped up!"

"Is like your muscles are filled with fluid to bursting and it feels like you're cumming"

gellaho

So big, and so hard

Gentleman Brendan

Hey Hardy, how are these wrestling photos like your girlfriend?

Neither one makes it into the yearbook without getting blown up.

gellaho

That was quick

Gentleman Brendan

Code for Irish. No joke.

FancyShark

"Both are usually in my bed."

gellaho

Joe loses every fight, so pretty believable

Gentleman Brendan

Why are the weightbenches in the gym?

FancyShark

People get pinned under the weights and they think they're wrestling

gellaho

What a great brother Frank is

gellaho

Every high schooler is jazzed up about the sweet science fair projects

Gentleman Brendan

I fucking love Ed.

What a power player.

he steals Hardy's girl THEN humiliates him, but in between gives him advice on how he failed to prepare for either

gellaho

Attempted to steal his girlfriend

Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics

I like how both of these dudes are like hardy boys 1.5

Gentleman Brendan

What'd she blow up on the trails?

"Gotta have SOMETHING in the yearbook besides caught a dozen international criminals."

gellaho

Snacking while dad slowly dies

Mo's Over, Synergy

more like Fentanyl Hardy

gellaho

Good ol Botrovia

Gentleman Brendan

Mo, I don't say this lightly: Good job.

You have used your powers for good.

Gentleman Brendan

Wait, so what happened to Fenton?

gellaho

He's tired from working at the museum

Gentleman Brendan

Botrovia got annexed in 2019

I thought he was a g-man

gellaho

He's a PI, but that doesn't explain why he's in charge of setting up security at the museum

Fenton has a psychic vision

"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks

Oh no, Daddy's been drinking too much Daddy Juice

Derpbat

Man, Fenton's showing why he's the real detective.

gellaho

Hell yeah

"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks

Hawk 9-2000 Mega!

gellaho

This metaphor got away from Fenton

Derpbat

I do recommend the police not responding to wolves baying at the moon.

gellaho

Joe Hardy: Sandwich ruminating

gellaho
Derpbat

No.

She dated you.

She is not.

gellaho

Joe's hearing problems continue

gellaho

Mmmmmmm, tasty

Derpbat

That's a terrible but accurate description of Aunt Gertrude's cooking.

gellaho

How clichéd, skinny computer dorks get all the chicks

gellaho

Cultural snacking

gellaho

Seems safe with an incredibly buggy system

"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks

Yeah, don't proceed to this until you have the false alarms worked out, ya knucklehead

gellaho

Sure, get those futuristic trash cans with your security system

gellaho

First put in the valuables, then the security system

gellaho

Really seems like Fenton got the security system under control

gellaho

You know, as long as nobody touches anything

"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks

Frank is a bad father

gellaho

Fenton, but yeah. He's only really ever around to put the boys in danger

Fenton realizes that maybe he should install a feature every elevator has

Gentleman Brendan

Hawk 9-2000 mega system is someone's username now.

gellaho

"I haven't seen a haunted security system like this in many years..."

John

Could it be, The Ghost of Cut in Half by Steel Doors Jim? No, no one has seen more than half of him since that security system incident.

gellaho

Here comes the beef

John

That's a very confusing way to say "lardass," but less hurtful at least.

gellaho

Mr Abrahamson, rotund museum sponsor

gellaho

"I've seen a movie before. I know what business looks like," said the ghostwriter

John

"Cigars are just big cigarettes, right? There's no special way to prepare or light one, surely."

gellaho

Frank and Joe start looking for for dad's porn

John

Do they know what they're looking for, or are they just snooping in the hopes something will appear?

gellaho

They're looking for the files about what happened 15 years ago

John

Natch

gellaho

They find that basically the exact same thing happened

John

"Dad, I have a crazy idea, but it just might work. Why don't you stay at the museum and watch the jewels. Maybe hire another guy or pair of brothers to help."

fin

Gentleman Brendan

Do you think the Hardys die in each of these scenes, and then the easy explanation save is an implanted memory at the save point?

Hank & Dean S4-style?

gellaho

Managed to catch the suspect for a different art robbery

gellaho
FancyShark

So you know they hide in the ceiling every time and you're focusing on the doors? Jesus, you deserve to get fired, Hardy

John

Maybe, but Frank gives off major danger slut vibes.

Gentleman Brendan

It's called the Peabody, you clods.

gellaho

And he's in Bayport. That's some coincidence

Gentleman Brendan

Ah, shitting where he eats, sign of a master thief.

FancyShark

"Where's that?"

"Goddammit, Joe."

gellaho

JOE HUNGERS

Gentleman Brendan

He's not the perp. He's going to be like "boys, please leave an old man be." Then he'll get framed a little more but it will be dismissed and one of the boys will fall into a perilous trap or get knocked out. Then comes the gunpoint.

Joe eats like a wrestler ought to: all the time, not too much red meat. You know, Frank, you fucked up this thing you love.

gellaho

Not Chet! That slut!

FancyShark

Didn't I say they'd be more popular than the Hardys?! DIDN'T I?!

I'm legit asking. I don't remember.

Gentleman Brendan

I love that these two just got here and are systematically stripping the Hardys of everything.

gellaho

Richard Courtland reaping that sweet nepotism

Gentleman Brendan

What will be left? It's like the writer declared war on the characters to prove they had personalities rather than personal details.

FancyShark

The Masons are giving strong Mormon energy. I hope they're just genuinely nice guys that people like because the Hardys are terrible

John

You did.

FancyShark

Ah, thank you

SEE?! I DID!

John

Or at least imagined a world where they were the bad guys and the new ones were the actual heroes.

gellaho

They start tailing ol Dick

FancyShark

Whipping around to get an eyeful of that Dick

gellaho

It ends predictably

John

I read that as "man with gray nose hair" at first and have decided that's a great character desciptor.

FancyShark

"You should carry one of these. There's a lot of creeps out there."

gellaho

It's impossible to know, it is not depicted in any way

What a hilarious prank to pull on these teens, old man

John

I am so mad that no one will ever believe me that was my first guess what was about to happen.

gellaho

Creepy

Gentleman Brendan

If I were Frank at this point I'd laugh. Would that they could kill me, these faceless men parading through my life. The gun will jam, someone will burst in...I am immortal. I am trapped. They cannot end my suffering. I dare them, in their hubris, to defy God.

FancyShark

"You two are far easier on the eyes."

Gentleman Brendan

"I keep a scrapbook on two teenage boys, for my personal well-being you understand."

John

"Have you met my brother? He runs into explosions in a desperate attempt to die/gain female companionship."

gellaho

Only one thing to do now: FEED

FancyShark

"Kill the Masons"

John

Mr. Pizza? Really? Was Pizza Store too exciting a name for you?

Gentleman Brendan

I want a mushroom pizza now.

John

Mushroom and sausage, though. Mushroom and pepperoni is the inferior choice.

Gentleman Brendan

Plainly

John

Dammit, now I want one too.

Gentleman Brendan

You'd have to be some kind of Hardy to eat mushroom/pepp

gellaho

"What's a little coffee between old nemeses?"

FancyShark

Joe's going to be even more shocked at the hotel bill

gellaho

Bayport: City of Vans

gellaho

Gun #2 pulled on the boys

FancyShark

Oh good. These kinds of cops always make rational decisions

gellaho

Oh, yeah. Remove that tension baby

gellaho

Smooth, Frank

FancyShark

CON Riley?

Officer Riley's first name is Con and no writer bothered to mention that before now?

Fuck you, all previous ghostwriters

Gentleman Brendan

Teenagers tearing around town at 80mph is fine if they're self-appointed vigilantes.

gellaho

Call back to #69 Mayhem in Motion

FancyShark

Nice

Joe, we don't need to hear about your ED again

gellaho

Somebody has stolen Vanessa's mom's mysterious blue/green van

Gentleman Brendan

I think we all know Mormon Joe hacked the DMV to change some details.

FancyShark

Andrea's last name isn't Bender. She just has a lot of DUIs

gellaho

We wouldn't want there to be any consequences in these books

FancyShark

Oh right, the holograms they were using to make a terrible cartoon

gellaho

Or just the license plates

FancyShark

That oddly sounds like more work than just stealing the van

gellaho

This ain't my Chet, excited about vegetables

FancyShark

oh my god

What did you do to Chet, you well-meaning, kind hearted bastards?!

John

I still can't believe that TV series had beautiful beefcake Chet and tried to gaslight us by saying how awful he was.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Sounds like there was a marketing directive to make Chet less of a glutton.

Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics

"Health dip"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Made by Fotie Farms

gellaho

Weird that the Hardy girls don't think it's weird to pair up and go out with other boys

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Disregard women, discuss robots.

FancyShark

This is going to end with the filthiest orgy

Robot parts everywhere

And health dip

gellaho

Ed Miladys his way into a fight

FancyShark

hahaha, Ed "Cheap Shot" Mason

gellaho

Not the health dip!

John

"a rock-hard (YES!) fist (aww...) landed solidly on Joe's jaw (YES!).

Gentleman Brendan

Okay, this is plainly a statement.

This is about the inability to change.

This is a writer blowing it all up to watch it rebuild itself.

gellaho

Well, I never thought this day would come. But I agree with Joe

FancyShark

I'll be damned

John

Can we pause for a few minutes while I clean up? Fucking pig just flew into my living room.

gellaho

They showed up to a party their girlfriends were having without them, and then he got punched in the face

Gentleman Brendan

Joe didn't even start the mock fight!

gellaho

Joe's not in traction, why wouldn't they have invited them to this party?

Gentleman Brendan

This is an author whose kids just got a new stepdad.

gellaho

He just mildly injured his ankle

Gentleman Brendan

Living in the house MY author's fees paid for!

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

I don't blame Vanessa for assuming he deserved to be punched.

gellaho

THE NEXT DAY

gellaho

Smash cut: shoveling

Gentleman Brendan

It's a snowjob, sir.

FancyShark

I joked about the Hardys ending this with the Masons buried in an unmarked grave, but now I think it might actually happen

John

@LyraV Feel free to riff with us if you have anything. We always love for new people to join in.

gellaho

Gross, ghostwriter, gross

FancyShark

Or she's dead. But keep moping.

John

Frank, as a robot, only knows of hyu-man relationships what he saw on TV.

FancyShark

"Hey, look on the bright side, Joe. Maybe she blew up."

gellaho

Don't act like that would be out of the realm of possibility

FancyShark

Maybe they're clones?

LyraV

that used to be the exact excuse I used when late for work. Aliens. Or Ghosts.

FancyShark

By which I mean actors that underwent surgery and lessons to imitate people that are still in society.

gellaho

They get a list of vans from the criminal database and start searching houses

John

One of them has to work. And if they don't, ask if they want to see your prolapsed anus from the probe.

gellaho

It goes fantastically

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

I wonder how this tension will be instantly defused.

gellaho

Jethro and Homer

Gentleman Brendan

missing jewels feels more like a Fenton problem.

FancyShark

I see the lady named her dogs after famous poets

gellaho

Great use of time

gellaho

Jethro's Sonnets on the Waterin' Hole always bring tears to my eyes

FancyShark

This Jug I See, This Jug I Quaff is what I want read at my wedding

gellaho

Sounds like something a high schooler in 1994 would be able to do

FancyShark

Sick burn on Frank

gellaho

The Hound Dog Slouches Toward Mobile was a poignant classic

Gentleman Brendan

Maybe they moved here a month ago and phone books are annual

John

I feel like we need Josh in here to explain that it takes all of NASA to do what he just described even today.

Never mind, I think I pulled it off on my own.

Gentleman Brendan

It's easy when you're a good enough hacker to steal NASA's shit.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

We sent robots to Mars in the 70s, frank.

FancyShark

Beauford, My Love, My Eternal really should be studied in schools

gellaho

That's some leap there, Frank

FancyShark

By that logic, Sharper Image is the top suspect

John

"Either robots or a small piece of Scotch tape. But that's obviously ridiculous."

gellaho

The science labs at the high school were heavily armored and fortified

LyraV

Masons using robots to trigger alarms is objectively funny

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

You'd think they'd use stones

John

Ooh, an Illuminati conspiracy to steal the Knights Templar's jewels. Nicolas Cage is about to rip off his Joe mask.

gellaho

Apparently not that hard to break in, but then something wonderful happens

Gentleman Brendan

If you can build a robot that conducts museum heists, you don't need to do museum heists.

The government will hire you.

You could take over the government and hire them!

gellaho

This is about how effective I'd expect robots in 1994 to be

FancyShark

"EXTERMINATE!"

gellaho

Airtight evidence, boys

FancyShark

"Or they're planning to teach you the true meaning of Christmas with some whimsical toys."

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

I can't help picturing the robots from Chopping Mall.

gellaho

Oh, the robots are made from experimental parts from the company the cat burglar works at? Can't be connected

gellaho
Derpbat

That seems unlikely.

FancyShark

Chucky started the same way

gellaho

Fenton has been kidnapped

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

If only Fenton had coworkers.

FancyShark

Well, no downside

gellaho

"You boys are not allowed to do anything to help your father. It's not like you recently helped me when I was drugged, cloned, and then that clone was murdered four books ago"

FancyShark

Laura has a scent of the single life and she wants more

LyraV

Because moxy and go getters never get anywhere in the Hardy Boys universe

gellaho

"You should also be nicer to Callie, it's not like you did the same for her and she's trying to cuck you now for no reason"

"Then why are you here?"

FancyShark

"Just felt like saying 'hi'"

gellaho

Could it be the insurance money?

Gentleman Brendan

They have neither motive nor means, just mecha.

FancyShark

THE INSURANCE MONEY?!

Gentleman Brendan

Initech! With the TPS reports?

FancyShark

That'd be terrific

gellaho

I wonder who the children could be

gellaho

We could add Mike Judge to the list of people who've stolen from the Hardys

FancyShark

In a surprise twist, the children are Chet and Callie

gellaho

Like Spielberg and the Animaniacs

"Could it be the kids who just showed up?"

Derpbat

I've honestly forgotten Laura Hardy every time I learn about her.

FancyShark

So does her family

Derpbat

I assume she has some busy actual job that keeps her from being engaged with their tomfoolery.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

One day she will disappear. The remaining Hardy's won't remember her but she'll finally be free.

FancyShark

They'll find her goodbye letter the day they move out. It'll be where she left it. Center of the kitchen table.

gellaho

How are them Duke boys gonna get outta this one?