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gellaho
Speaking of the lusty adventures of children, it's the Hardy Boys! Except wait, FOUR HARDY BOYS!?!? Indeed, there's a new group of unqualified detectives on the case as Ed and Peter attempt to steal Frank and Joe's lives. It's the Hardys versus the Masons, this Friday 5pm eastern, in The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #84: False Alarm.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway You better pin this before one of the Mason boys puts the moves on your lady
FancyShark
Frank vs Robots? Sign me up
gellaho
Ooh, target acquired
gellaho
Under an hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles™ #84: False Alarm. Here is the preview
Gentleman Brendan
Seems like an OSHA violation.
gellaho
It is a lot for this museum
Gentleman Brendan
Joe looks like he only shows up at the lodge for apres-ski with the blood of a missing Olympian on his sleeves and collar
He's dressed like the 1944 Wyoming version of a kid whose dad owns a dealership (mustang ranch?)
FancyShark
SPECTRE sold the building to the museum owners cheap
Gentleman Brendan
if that kid went to my high school, everyone would hate him and not know why until they realized he had no scent.
I don't know why that joke required him to go to my high school, I went to bed at 6 a.m. You're lucky you get any punchlines today, you ungrateful parasites, I have half a mind to take off my sheep's wool jacket and thrash you till father nods approvingly.
gellaho
Just an excessive amount of crowns in that museum
And scrunched together so tightly
FancyShark
Put all the jewelry right by the door? Sure, why not?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Blowing off work early, but I'm still going to miss the beginning of this while I drive home.
FancyShark
I'll take what I can get. We'll just assume that you fell asleep if you stop typing
FancyShark
rekt. But I'm going to be in a meeting for the next hour, so I'm going to miss the early part too
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Luckily my manager was understanding when I told them I needed to leave early to dunk on some fictional teenagers.
gellaho
Time to begin
John
Let's go. Feels like forever since I could join one of these. Feels good.
gellaho
We open with Joe wrasslin'
FancyShark
hawt
"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks
Very hawt
"A shriek from the coach's whistle" talk about descriptive metaphors
gellaho
Ed Mason: Muscle Teen
gellaho
"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks
So he looks like one of the Barbarian Bros?
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
How are his lats though
Hmmm my name might be problematic here now
gellaho
"Wrestling sure is harder than when my girlfriend exploded"
John
Maybe this is on me, but the stubby nose bit struck me as strange. Like "hey, this guy is definitely a gentile" strange.
"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks
I think it's more that the trope of stupid is like a piggish nose?
gellaho
Diet tips anger Joe
"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks
"Who's this fucking guy think he is, coming into MY middle school and MY wrestling team?"
gellaho
Joe naturally uses snack based taunts
gellaho
"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks
Yeah, most wrestling matches end with one guys getting his face ground into the mat with like a "enjoy this mat sandwich!" from the other opponent
Gentleman Brendan
Hello, my hardy Hardy party.
gellaho
Ghostwriter: "I really need to emphasize the physique of this 16 year old"
Gentleman Brendan
Let's party hearty.
"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks
"So pumped up!"
"Is like your muscles are filled with fluid to bursting and it feels like you're cumming"
gellaho
So big, and so hard
Gentleman Brendan
Hey Hardy, how are these wrestling photos like your girlfriend?
Neither one makes it into the yearbook without getting blown up.
gellaho
That was quick
Gentleman Brendan
Code for Irish. No joke.
FancyShark
"Both are usually in my bed."
gellaho
Joe loses every fight, so pretty believable
Gentleman Brendan
Why are the weightbenches in the gym?
FancyShark
People get pinned under the weights and they think they're wrestling
gellaho
What a great brother Frank is
gellaho
Every high schooler is jazzed up about the sweet science fair projects
Gentleman Brendan
I fucking love Ed.
What a power player.
he steals Hardy's girl THEN humiliates him, but in between gives him advice on how he failed to prepare for either
gellaho
Attempted to steal his girlfriend
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
I like how both of these dudes are like hardy boys 1.5
Gentleman Brendan
What'd she blow up on the trails?
"Gotta have SOMETHING in the yearbook besides caught a dozen international criminals."
gellaho
Snacking while dad slowly dies
Mo's Over, Synergy
more like Fentanyl Hardy
gellaho
Good ol Botrovia
Gentleman Brendan
Mo, I don't say this lightly: Good job.
You have used your powers for good.
Gentleman Brendan
Wait, so what happened to Fenton?
gellaho
He's tired from working at the museum
Gentleman Brendan
Botrovia got annexed in 2019
I thought he was a g-man
gellaho
He's a PI, but that doesn't explain why he's in charge of setting up security at the museum
Fenton has a psychic vision
"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks
Oh no, Daddy's been drinking too much Daddy Juice
Derpbat
Man, Fenton's showing why he's the real detective.
gellaho
Hell yeah
"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks
Hawk 9-2000 Mega!
gellaho
This metaphor got away from Fenton
Derpbat
I do recommend the police not responding to wolves baying at the moon.
gellaho
Joe Hardy: Sandwich ruminating
gellaho
Derpbat
No.
She dated you.
She is not.
gellaho
Joe's hearing problems continue
gellaho
Mmmmmmm, tasty
Derpbat
That's a terrible but accurate description of Aunt Gertrude's cooking.
gellaho
How clichéd, skinny computer dorks get all the chicks
gellaho
Cultural snacking
gellaho
Seems safe with an incredibly buggy system
"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks
Yeah, don't proceed to this until you have the false alarms worked out, ya knucklehead
gellaho
Sure, get those futuristic trash cans with your security system
gellaho
First put in the valuables, then the security system
gellaho
Really seems like Fenton got the security system under control
gellaho
You know, as long as nobody touches anything
"Pops" A, Queen of the Ragniks
Frank is a bad father
gellaho
Fenton, but yeah. He's only really ever around to put the boys in danger
Fenton realizes that maybe he should install a feature every elevator has
Gentleman Brendan
Hawk 9-2000 mega system is someone's username now.
gellaho
"I haven't seen a haunted security system like this in many years..."
John
Could it be, The Ghost of Cut in Half by Steel Doors Jim? No, no one has seen more than half of him since that security system incident.
gellaho
Here comes the beef
John
That's a very confusing way to say "lardass," but less hurtful at least.
gellaho
Mr Abrahamson, rotund museum sponsor
gellaho
"I've seen a movie before. I know what business looks like," said the ghostwriter
John
"Cigars are just big cigarettes, right? There's no special way to prepare or light one, surely."
gellaho
Frank and Joe start looking for for dad's porn
John
Do they know what they're looking for, or are they just snooping in the hopes something will appear?
gellaho
They're looking for the files about what happened 15 years ago
John
Natch
gellaho
They find that basically the exact same thing happened
John
"Dad, I have a crazy idea, but it just might work. Why don't you stay at the museum and watch the jewels. Maybe hire another guy or pair of brothers to help."
fin
Gentleman Brendan
Do you think the Hardys die in each of these scenes, and then the easy explanation save is an implanted memory at the save point?
Hank & Dean S4-style?
gellaho
Managed to catch the suspect for a different art robbery
gellaho
FancyShark
So you know they hide in the ceiling every time and you're focusing on the doors? Jesus, you deserve to get fired, Hardy
John
Maybe, but Frank gives off major danger slut vibes.
Gentleman Brendan
It's called the Peabody, you clods.
gellaho
And he's in Bayport. That's some coincidence
Gentleman Brendan
Ah, shitting where he eats, sign of a master thief.
FancyShark
"Where's that?"
"Goddammit, Joe."
gellaho
JOE HUNGERS
Gentleman Brendan
He's not the perp. He's going to be like "boys, please leave an old man be." Then he'll get framed a little more but it will be dismissed and one of the boys will fall into a perilous trap or get knocked out. Then comes the gunpoint.
Joe eats like a wrestler ought to: all the time, not too much red meat. You know, Frank, you fucked up this thing you love.
gellaho
Not Chet! That slut!
FancyShark
Didn't I say they'd be more popular than the Hardys?! DIDN'T I?!
I'm legit asking. I don't remember.
Gentleman Brendan
I love that these two just got here and are systematically stripping the Hardys of everything.
gellaho
Richard Courtland reaping that sweet nepotism
Gentleman Brendan
What will be left? It's like the writer declared war on the characters to prove they had personalities rather than personal details.
FancyShark
The Masons are giving strong Mormon energy. I hope they're just genuinely nice guys that people like because the Hardys are terrible
John
You did.
FancyShark
Ah, thank you
SEE?! I DID!
John
Or at least imagined a world where they were the bad guys and the new ones were the actual heroes.
gellaho
They start tailing ol Dick
FancyShark
Whipping around to get an eyeful of that Dick
gellaho
It ends predictably
John
I read that as "man with gray nose hair" at first and have decided that's a great character desciptor.
FancyShark
"You should carry one of these. There's a lot of creeps out there."
gellaho
It's impossible to know, it is not depicted in any way
What a hilarious prank to pull on these teens, old man
John
I am so mad that no one will ever believe me that was my first guess what was about to happen.
gellaho
Creepy
Gentleman Brendan
If I were Frank at this point I'd laugh. Would that they could kill me, these faceless men parading through my life. The gun will jam, someone will burst in...I am immortal. I am trapped. They cannot end my suffering. I dare them, in their hubris, to defy God.
FancyShark
"You two are far easier on the eyes."
Gentleman Brendan
"I keep a scrapbook on two teenage boys, for my personal well-being you understand."
John
"Have you met my brother? He runs into explosions in a desperate attempt to die/gain female companionship."
gellaho
Only one thing to do now: FEED
FancyShark
"Kill the Masons"
John
Mr. Pizza? Really? Was Pizza Store too exciting a name for you?
Gentleman Brendan
I want a mushroom pizza now.
John
Mushroom and sausage, though. Mushroom and pepperoni is the inferior choice.
Gentleman Brendan
Plainly
John
Dammit, now I want one too.
Gentleman Brendan
You'd have to be some kind of Hardy to eat mushroom/pepp
gellaho
"What's a little coffee between old nemeses?"
FancyShark
Joe's going to be even more shocked at the hotel bill
gellaho
Bayport: City of Vans
gellaho
Gun #2 pulled on the boys
FancyShark
Oh good. These kinds of cops always make rational decisions
gellaho
Oh, yeah. Remove that tension baby
gellaho
Smooth, Frank
FancyShark
CON Riley?
Officer Riley's first name is Con and no writer bothered to mention that before now?
Fuck you, all previous ghostwriters
Gentleman Brendan
Teenagers tearing around town at 80mph is fine if they're self-appointed vigilantes.
gellaho
Call back to #69 Mayhem in Motion
FancyShark
Nice
Joe, we don't need to hear about your ED again
gellaho
Somebody has stolen Vanessa's mom's mysterious blue/green van
Gentleman Brendan
I think we all know Mormon Joe hacked the DMV to change some details.
FancyShark
Andrea's last name isn't Bender. She just has a lot of DUIs
gellaho
We wouldn't want there to be any consequences in these books
FancyShark
Oh right, the holograms they were using to make a terrible cartoon
gellaho
Or just the license plates
FancyShark
That oddly sounds like more work than just stealing the van
gellaho
This ain't my Chet, excited about vegetables
FancyShark
oh my god
What did you do to Chet, you well-meaning, kind hearted bastards?!
John
I still can't believe that TV series had beautiful beefcake Chet and tried to gaslight us by saying how awful he was.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Sounds like there was a marketing directive to make Chet less of a glutton.
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
"Health dip"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Made by Fotie Farms
gellaho
Weird that the Hardy girls don't think it's weird to pair up and go out with other boys
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Disregard women, discuss robots.
FancyShark
This is going to end with the filthiest orgy
Robot parts everywhere
And health dip
gellaho
Ed Miladys his way into a fight
FancyShark
hahaha, Ed "Cheap Shot" Mason
gellaho
Not the health dip!
John
"a rock-hard (YES!) fist (aww...) landed solidly on Joe's jaw (YES!).
Gentleman Brendan
Okay, this is plainly a statement.
This is about the inability to change.
This is a writer blowing it all up to watch it rebuild itself.
gellaho
Well, I never thought this day would come. But I agree with Joe
FancyShark
I'll be damned
John
Can we pause for a few minutes while I clean up? Fucking pig just flew into my living room.
gellaho
They showed up to a party their girlfriends were having without them, and then he got punched in the face
Gentleman Brendan
Joe didn't even start the mock fight!
gellaho
Joe's not in traction, why wouldn't they have invited them to this party?
Gentleman Brendan
This is an author whose kids just got a new stepdad.
gellaho
He just mildly injured his ankle
Gentleman Brendan
Living in the house MY author's fees paid for!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I don't blame Vanessa for assuming he deserved to be punched.
gellaho
THE NEXT DAY
gellaho
Smash cut: shoveling
Gentleman Brendan
It's a snowjob, sir.
FancyShark
I joked about the Hardys ending this with the Masons buried in an unmarked grave, but now I think it might actually happen
John
@LyraV Feel free to riff with us if you have anything. We always love for new people to join in.
gellaho
Gross, ghostwriter, gross
FancyShark
Or she's dead. But keep moping.
John
Frank, as a robot, only knows of hyu-man relationships what he saw on TV.
FancyShark
"Hey, look on the bright side, Joe. Maybe she blew up."
gellaho
Don't act like that would be out of the realm of possibility
FancyShark
Maybe they're clones?
LyraV
that used to be the exact excuse I used when late for work. Aliens. Or Ghosts.
FancyShark
By which I mean actors that underwent surgery and lessons to imitate people that are still in society.
gellaho
They get a list of vans from the criminal database and start searching houses
John
One of them has to work. And if they don't, ask if they want to see your prolapsed anus from the probe.
gellaho
It goes fantastically
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I wonder how this tension will be instantly defused.
gellaho
Jethro and Homer
Gentleman Brendan
missing jewels feels more like a Fenton problem.
FancyShark
I see the lady named her dogs after famous poets
gellaho
Great use of time
gellaho
Jethro's Sonnets on the Waterin' Hole always bring tears to my eyes
FancyShark
This Jug I See, This Jug I Quaff is what I want read at my wedding
gellaho
Sounds like something a high schooler in 1994 would be able to do
FancyShark
Sick burn on Frank
gellaho
The Hound Dog Slouches Toward Mobile was a poignant classic
Gentleman Brendan
Maybe they moved here a month ago and phone books are annual
John
I feel like we need Josh in here to explain that it takes all of NASA to do what he just described even today.
Never mind, I think I pulled it off on my own.
Gentleman Brendan
It's easy when you're a good enough hacker to steal NASA's shit.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
We sent robots to Mars in the 70s, frank.
FancyShark
Beauford, My Love, My Eternal really should be studied in schools
gellaho
That's some leap there, Frank
FancyShark
By that logic, Sharper Image is the top suspect
John
"Either robots or a small piece of Scotch tape. But that's obviously ridiculous."
gellaho
The science labs at the high school were heavily armored and fortified
LyraV
Masons using robots to trigger alarms is objectively funny
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
You'd think they'd use stones
John
Ooh, an Illuminati conspiracy to steal the Knights Templar's jewels. Nicolas Cage is about to rip off his Joe mask.
gellaho
Apparently not that hard to break in, but then something wonderful happens
Gentleman Brendan
If you can build a robot that conducts museum heists, you don't need to do museum heists.
The government will hire you.
You could take over the government and hire them!
gellaho
This is about how effective I'd expect robots in 1994 to be
FancyShark
"EXTERMINATE!"
gellaho
Airtight evidence, boys
FancyShark
"Or they're planning to teach you the true meaning of Christmas with some whimsical toys."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I can't help picturing the robots from Chopping Mall.
gellaho
Oh, the robots are made from experimental parts from the company the cat burglar works at? Can't be connected
gellaho
Derpbat
That seems unlikely.
FancyShark
Chucky started the same way
gellaho
Fenton has been kidnapped
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
If only Fenton had coworkers.
FancyShark
Well, no downside
gellaho
"You boys are not allowed to do anything to help your father. It's not like you recently helped me when I was drugged, cloned, and then that clone was murdered four books ago"
FancyShark
Laura has a scent of the single life and she wants more
LyraV
Because moxy and go getters never get anywhere in the Hardy Boys universe
gellaho
"You should also be nicer to Callie, it's not like you did the same for her and she's trying to cuck you now for no reason"
"Then why are you here?"
FancyShark
"Just felt like saying 'hi'"
gellaho
Could it be the insurance money?
Gentleman Brendan
They have neither motive nor means, just mecha.
FancyShark
THE INSURANCE MONEY?!
Gentleman Brendan
Initech! With the TPS reports?
FancyShark
That'd be terrific
gellaho
I wonder who the children could be
gellaho
We could add Mike Judge to the list of people who've stolen from the Hardys
FancyShark
In a surprise twist, the children are Chet and Callie
gellaho
Like Spielberg and the Animaniacs
"Could it be the kids who just showed up?"
Derpbat
I've honestly forgotten Laura Hardy every time I learn about her.
FancyShark
So does her family
Derpbat
I assume she has some busy actual job that keeps her from being engaged with their tomfoolery.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
One day she will disappear. The remaining Hardy's won't remember her but she'll finally be free.
FancyShark
They'll find her goodbye letter the day they move out. It'll be where she left it. Center of the kitchen table.
gellaho
How are them Duke boys gonna get outta this one?
Gentleman Brendan
Laura Hardy joyfully fucking Chet's dad all day while her sons do pro bono PI work for no client whatsoever.
gellaho
If you guessed emergency brake, then you are very boring but also correct
LyraV
'The high whine of the damp tires' is such awkward phrasing it hurts my brain
FancyShark
Someday, Frank will drive a vehicle without almost killing them
Gentleman Brendan
They replaced our car with a ROBOT that refused to brake!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It sounds like it was run through Google translate a few times.
gellaho
Frank's trying to turn into the Hulk
gellaho
Kinda did
FancyShark
Is this a Puppetmaster prequel?
The horror movies, not the Marvel character
Derpbat
Frank's van is just the dollar store mystery machine.
gellaho
Alright, I'm calling it. Trash robots
gellaho
John
Frank, still not realizing how ridiculous this is, asks if his attempted murderer left a phone number.
Gentleman Brendan
Somebody's gettin' knocked out!
gellaho
The ghostwriter is entering their noir phase
FancyShark
I really am picturing Daleks that everyone is just treating like trashcans
Derpbat
They're American kids in the 1990s.
They've never seen Doctor Who.
Only Chet has.
FancyShark
"Before Frank could put the puzzle together, he was gonna need a few more pieces"
gellaho
We're going really moody all of a sudden
Derpbat
And involving Chet would set a terrible precedent.
gellaho
Frank's a big enough dork to have seen Dr Who
FancyShark
True. Also, HEY!
Derpbat
That's probably true.
FancyShark
But also true
LyraV
Shocked he's losing his edge? So dull.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I honestly have respect for someone who managed to get episodes of dr who in north America in the 90s.
gellaho
A strong tonal shift here
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Especially if they were the tom baker ones.
FancyShark
holy shit, we're in Silent Hill territory now
Gentleman Brendan
This was a fool's mission. They sent Frank.
gellaho
Bodybag trap
gellaho
Derpbat
Oh no
Gentleman Brendan
90% of what I knew about Dr. Who before 2012 was pinball machines.
Derpbat
They're taking him seriously.
HE'S DOOMED.
FancyShark
"There's no way this will work."
gellaho
That is some hyphenate
Derpbat
At school in Australia, there was a big contingent of fans of the fourth doctor.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Well yeah he's the best one.
gellaho
"He had to steal the jewels himself"
Derpbat
Which is like American schools being full of fans of shows from the 1970s.
FancyShark
No! Dammit, Joe!
Derpbat
Except American shows from the 1970s had a budget.
No, hang on, I think we should let Joe try it.
gellaho
This plural possessive is actually very helpful for me
Derpbat
It's mad enough it may just fail spectacularly.
FancyShark
I always like a comforting mass
gellaho
That's what I call my gut
FancyShark
Heyo!
gellaho
Why did this travel to the fifties all of a sudden
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
They've stolen the Hardy's van. There's only one thing left to take.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I'm getting a comforting mass surgically removed next month.
gellaho
And losen the tension
FancyShark
All of a sudden it's The Untouchables
oh
Derpbat
Joe internally sighed.
Someday they'd end the madness.
But not today.
gellaho
MUST CONSUME
FancyShark
Just drop the bar on the ground, Abrahamson. That's a good way to lose a finger.
gellaho
Yay, I win
gellaho
I don't feel great that Joe was the one to figure it out, but here we are
FancyShark
A win's a win
Derpbat
I don't think Joe's thrilled he figured it out either.
He's not even gotten to put his girlfriend in lethal danger today.
gellaho
Deadly trashbots
Derpbat
Oh my God it is a dalek.
FancyShark
"EXTERMINAAAAATE!"
Gentleman Brendan
Dr. 'Oossat'en?
gellaho
Joe keeps forgetting the extreme pain he's in
Derpbat
Joe, just... Just stop.
Gentleman Brendan
Joe...
FancyShark
I guess it's not just thoughts that move slower to his brain
gellaho
Trash robot facial
Derpbat
No, that ended the only way it should have.
Good work, everyone.
Gentleman Brendan
The covert burglary robot has a defensive gas with no warning or disarm
Pete choking on arsenic every night.
How many times are they going to hit the same museum?
FancyShark
"We have to hit the museum again. I forgot my keys."
gellaho
Joe is hungry for air
gellaho
This is the first time, the others were all false alarms
Thus the title
FancyShark
He had to realize he could breathe
That's our Joe
Derpbat
It's obvious Joe takes after Fenton, the world's greatest PI.
gellaho
Good thing nobody ever looked at these trashcans
Derpbat
That seems sadly plausible in this city.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe pops the robot top and reveals Kenny Baker begging for help.
Derpbat
This is a plan that would never work against Nancy Drew.
Veronica Mars maybe. But not Nancy Drew.
FancyShark
"Please! I'm just an actor! Help me!"
gellaho
Nah, she'd be too worried about one of the trashbots stealing Ned
Gentleman Brendan
You shut your upside-down mouth.
Derpbat
Someone put this in appreciation-day for me.
gellaho
The crown and scepter?
Derpbat
It's not stealing, he just got confused and followed it home.
Listen, Ned is doing the best he can.
Gentleman Brendan
Joe earned enough XP for Rainman skills, sweet.
gellaho
I count two scepters and six crowns
FancyShark
Those are the guest scepters and crowns
Derpbat
Those are trash.
gellaho
It was filled with many candy wrapper remnants
Derpbat
They only want these two.
gellaho
You know vans, always roaring like dragsters
FancyShark
Gas Tromping: The new fad. Are your teens involved? Find out tonight, at 10
Derpbat
Joe, I hate to say it.
But maybe you don't need your father or Frank.
They were holding you back. Look at you, almost doing all this almost on your own.
FancyShark
Joe had to realize he could breathe. It's a miracle he hasn't set himself on fire.
Gentleman Brendan
It's called Chetting. And ALL the teens are doing it. Know the signs: pepperoni with mushroom. Inability to focus except on food. Preference for snacks over museum security specs.
Derpbat
That's what I mean. Normally he'd need Fred to tell him that.
LyraV
Unexpected health dip
gellaho
Van bumper cars
Derpbat
Vans are famous for being good at ramming into things.
FancyShark
"Just go around me."
Gentleman Brendan
The A-Team crawls out of the wreckage.
gellaho
Bit of an anticlimactic reveal there
Gentleman Brendan
WAIT
Derpbat
Joe, thinking to himself at the same time as he doesn't have time to think.
He's a winner.
LyraV
They wanted you to miss no detail of the five second crash
Gentleman Brendan
Nobody talked to the maintenance staff and found out they had hired two young men a month ago who just moved into their address.
gellaho
That's my Joe
Gentleman Brendan
WHY HAVE ROBOTS
Derpbat
Rejected.
If you can have robots, You should.
Did Saturday morning cartoons teach you nothing?
gellaho
The robots cause the false alarms which lower the defenses of the security team
It's obviously the most simple solution
Especially when they are unnecessarily complicated trash cans
They stole the talking trash can technology from Disney
FancyShark
There are Bond villains with more straightforward plans than the Hardys' enemies
gellaho
Jesus Christ
Gentleman Brendan
That's the entire objection to saturday morning cartoons.
gellaho
That is a dead child
Gentleman Brendan
You wanted education you had to watch syndicated weekdays
FancyShark
Holy shit, author
gellaho
What child wanted education from TV
John
Not just dead. That's closed casket dead.
FancyShark
Someone's going to have to powerwash Ed's face off the bricks
Gentleman Brendan
Vindication for Joe: he has defeated the man who cucked him and also beat him in battle by achieving judo's first death.
gellaho
We've entered the blaxploitation portion of the evening
FancyShark
"Looks like someone's back to number one on the wrestling team."
Gentleman Brendan
Later, Joe visited Ed in the hospital and fed him orange juice through a straw to show no hard feelings. Ed turned his head to drink it and broke his neck.
gellaho
Joe finishes his second murder
Derpbat
Joe, stop helping.
You don't need to tie them...
Actually, sure.
They're just sleeping, Joe.
Now, look across the river.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Huh, I never thought I'd see Joe Hardy giving head injuries instead of receiving them.
gellaho
Ed "Steel Neck" Mason
Derpbat
And think about the farm.
FancyShark
Thinking quickly, Joe slashes open their throats with a rusty knife to help their airflow
Derpbat
In fairness, no one except you expected you to succeed, Joe.
FancyShark
Ed's just like Joe: Unkillable
gellaho
The violent melee continues in this book for children
Derpbat
You have disappointed only yourself.
Gentleman Brendan
Joe's going to kill Frank for not restocking the kill van
FancyShark
Eventually, Joe gets on top of Ed and keeps punching his face until he hits pavement
gellaho
Joe wins with the Captain Kirk hammer punch
Derpbat
Ed, you're not his boss. He has a first name, use it.
Gentleman Brendan
Ed may be the better wrestler, and the stronger boy-man, and the more handsome guy to slither his penis into Vanessa. But Joe fights dirty and you can't grade that.
FancyShark
Ed sputters, "Harder"
"I'm almost there"
LyraV
Starting to get real sexy now boys maybe make room for jesus
gellaho
The several dozen head injuries have ruined the Masons
Derpbat
That... Okay.
Sure.
FancyShark
Hells yes. They did it for jollies.
Derpbat
I'll buy that.
FancyShark
These guys rule
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
What he said was true, from a certain point of view.
gellaho
Time for the Mason family sob story
Derpbat
The real prize was the feeling of accomplishment.
And also all of the money.
gellaho
Or, you know, daddy issues
FancyShark
Joe shoots Peter through the forehead and turns to Ed.
"Talk faster"
gellaho
Not the greatest gambit, Peter
Gentleman Brendan
Frank is the Kaiser Soze here
Derpbat
Most people sublimate their daddy issues into alcoholism. Or, you know, something useful. I guess.
But sure, you built robots and nearly killed three people.
FancyShark
"Think of the royalties, Joe! The endorsements! We could get a series out of this!"
Gentleman Brendan
Appeal to "We're alike you and I, two sides of the same coin..."
Derpbat
That'll teach him.
Gentleman Brendan
Joe, if you send away the only orgasm your girlfriend ever had, she'll refuse to explode anymore.
Derpbat
"Daddy! I'm going to prison for three murders! DO YOU LOVE ME NOW?"
gellaho
Dicky Courts thinks he's got the upper hand here
FancyShark
Don't assume Joe understands you, dude
Derpbat
Dick, right now you're just an accessory to theft.
Are you trying to go back to prison?
FancyShark
He still thinks the phone is a weird little robot with multiple personalities
Derpbat
... Wait, what if he is?
FancyShark
Some people just can't readjust to life on the outside
Derpbat
He left prison to find his wife had changed the names of his kids, and also his kids were these two.
I'd want to go back too.
gellaho
"Don't listen to your father, I have your best interests in mind"
Derpbat
In fairness, Fenton does give terrible advice.
Gentleman Brendan
Frank would have recorded the call.
FancyShark
Frank would have skinned one brother to fool the other
Gentleman Brendan
Frank would also say "best I can do is sons or treasure, you choose," just to poison either outcome.
Frank plays GAMES.
Derpbat
Frank has already stolen the robot secrets, and is just biding his time.
Watching.
Listening.
Learning.
gellaho
Joe thinks the siren is a gumball machine
FancyShark
"Joe! Stop trying to put quarters in our engine block!"
Derpbat
... Did Dickie forget to tell Joe to come alone?
Did he assume Joe was smart enough to assume that?
You fool!
FancyShark
Idiot vs Idiot is a weird idea for a drama
gellaho
The Fast and the Furious 19: Bayport Drift
Derpbat
Joe has repeatedly demonstrated that he's too impressively stupid to be caught out.
FancyShark
Officer Riley feels that ache in his hand that means he has to write out another report about why the Hardys are not in prison
Derpbat
In fairness, just this once, I kind of agree with Joe.
The police chasing him for his minor misdemeanor is a good way to get them to the felons.
FancyShark
That's true
Derpbat
And no one involved is darker than Italian, so no one will be shot.
Gentleman Brendan
Con Riley is currently in a standoff with HIS shadowself, a crook named Cop Brockway
gellaho
"I don't want any part of crime, that's why I took advantage of my children stealing millions of dollars in jewels and kidnapped your family"
FancyShark
"Wait, YOU'RE Frank?"
<muffled> "Goddammit, Joe!"
gellaho
Deep...?
gellaho
I prefer when Simon Hawke muses about philosophy
Derpbat
On the other hand, Ed nearly turned this into a murder mystery deliberately and Pete risked manslaughter every time he triggered his robots.
Do you all know what this means?
Joe may not be the dumbest character in this book.
gellaho
Have you guys ever heard of Batman or the Joker?
gellaho
Me neither
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Fenton, you are the authorities.
FancyShark
"No harm's been done."
Ed nods, pieces of face spilling everywhere
gellaho
"We love how you took advantage of us, dad!"
FancyShark
Courtland then leaves
Derpbat
I... I hate to agree with Fenton.
But your kids are dangerous lunatics.
They belong in prison.
Like, if this had stopped at just clever robbery, I could kind of see your point?
FancyShark
Nah. Few hours community service, right as rain
Derpbat
But your kids are basically Jigsaw and Freddy, the younger years, and they probably should be put somewhere where we're going to know where they are?
Derpbat
Oh, yeah, no, you're right.
Don't know what I was thinking.
LyraV
I feel like any time you're giving a lengthy diatribe about 'justice' you lose
FancyShark
At this point, it's more delaying tactic than persuasive argument
gellaho
Joker and Sons
gellaho
FancyShark
Death by Robo Spunk
Derpbat
EXTERMINATE
gellaho
Trud, Trud
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They'll try to keep their sanity, with the help of their robot friends.
FancyShark
Please tell me they're defeated by the controllers running out of batteries
Derpbat
Crow would go for it.
gellaho
Suddenly: baseball
Derpbat
Joe is finally back to what he does best.
Wanton destruction.
gellaho
Brilliant robotics
FancyShark
Then Mel Gibson tells Joe to "swing away" and the robots are defeated by water and M. Night Shamaylan is insufferable
Derpbat
... Pete, you utter moron.
FancyShark
hahaha
Wrench to the body, then gas
These robots fight like teamsters
Derpbat
Why would you program them to have the default option being attack.
gellaho
Smacks hands that's the end of that chapter
gellaho
You just love murder so much
That's why
FancyShark
Did Fenton and Richard just have sex?
gellaho
Write your erotic old Hardy fan fic on your own time
Derpbat
Joe isn't the dumbest guy in the book. Fenton isn't a total waste of pages. Laura Hardy actually does something. The allegedly sympathetic kids with daddy issues are psychopaths.
LyraV
To be fair I had the same question
Derpbat
And neither girlfriend is put in mortal danger.
gellaho
Suddenly: museum opening
Derpbat
This is a remarkable Hardy Boys book.
FancyShark
Then the doors pulp all the patrons
gellaho
Suddenly: backstory
gellaho
FancyShark
World's greatest detective, Fenton Hardy
LyraV
Botrovian Descent, new band name I call it
gellaho
I wish the fake Eastern European country from the Hardy Boys TV show finale was Botrovia
I also don't remember, so it might have been
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Botrovia is sandwiched between sokovia and latveria.
Derpbat
Abrahamson is a name I hate.
Gentleman Brendan
i love that the evil hardys even have an evil fenton
Derpbat
And I can't put it quite into words.
gellaho
"I can't be bothered to say which one, you figure it out"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Abraham is not a name that lends itself to patronymic naming systems.
FancyShark
Post? Times? Ahh, whatever. They're all the same
gellaho
"Really, Vanessa? Because of the salsa?"
FancyShark
"I can't wait for you to die in an explosion."
gellaho
"Simple: I'm a moron"
FancyShark
"And I forgot our safe word."
gellaho
Joe's offer of gum goes ignored
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Somersaults in my salsa is something I'd be terrified to search on urban dictionary.
gellaho
Why was it included? Who knows
LyraV
Fuck that shit Callie, your boyfriend is a moron.
FancyShark
Laura's not talking about the Masons
gellaho
We end with FEEDING
FancyShark
No alarms or automation. So, Perkin's bathroom it is
Gentleman Brendan
What toppings on the pizza, I need to know
LyraV
You can Feel the author getting close to end and they are so glad its over.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I'm disturbed by all this talk of food with no Chet .
FancyShark
Chet is in a back alley, offering blowjobs for a few grams of health dip
Gentleman Brendan
Real talk: the Masons were a better force in Chet's lives than the Hardys ever were.
That suggests the existence of an evil Chet. Waiflike, hyperfocused
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Chet is being manipulated from beyond the fourth wall,being forced to consume non pizza foods.
FancyShark
Chet's going to get the best sleep of his life, thanks to the Masons. He's going to go to bed and not have the deafening crunch of his arteries keeping him awake
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #84: False Alarm
FancyShark
Wooo! We did it!
Gentleman Brendan
Now that was GOOD Hardy
Top 3
FancyShark
Easily
Gentleman Brendan
Thank you, Gellaho. Thank you Nitrate Scouts.
Derpbat
Victory.
Victory through nitrate power.
FancyShark
Great riffs, all of you!
LyraV
Awesome. Thank you!
FancyShark
Thank you for this, and thank you for always doing this, @gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
Night!
FancyShark
Get some sleep, Brendan!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Great work everyone.
FancyShark
You all have a great night! Talk to you tomorrow!
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
🪠
Oh I'm still on daleks and here the thing is over. Sweet cinnamon!
