Gentleman Brendan
Laura Hardy joyfully fucking Chet's dad all day while her sons do pro bono PI work for no client whatsoever.
55: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #84: False Alarm Franklin W. Dixon
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When the pressure's on, one false move can lead to a crushing blow!
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gellaho
If you guessed emergency brake, then you are very boring but also correct
LyraV
'The high whine of the damp tires' is such awkward phrasing it hurts my brain
FancyShark
Someday, Frank will drive a vehicle without almost killing them
Gentleman Brendan
They replaced our car with a ROBOT that refused to brake!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It sounds like it was run through Google translate a few times.
gellaho
Frank's trying to turn into the Hulk
gellaho
Kinda did
FancyShark
Is this a Puppetmaster prequel?
The horror movies, not the Marvel character
Derpbat
Frank's van is just the dollar store mystery machine.
gellaho
Alright, I'm calling it. Trash robots
gellaho
John
Frank, still not realizing how ridiculous this is, asks if his attempted murderer left a phone number.
Gentleman Brendan
Somebody's gettin' knocked out!
gellaho
The ghostwriter is entering their noir phase
FancyShark
I really am picturing Daleks that everyone is just treating like trashcans
Derpbat
They're American kids in the 1990s.
They've never seen Doctor Who.
Only Chet has.
FancyShark
"Before Frank could put the puzzle together, he was gonna need a few more pieces"
gellaho
We're going really moody all of a sudden
Derpbat
And involving Chet would set a terrible precedent.
gellaho
Frank's a big enough dork to have seen Dr Who
FancyShark
True. Also, HEY!
Derpbat
That's probably true.
FancyShark
But also true
LyraV
Shocked he's losing his edge? So dull.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I honestly have respect for someone who managed to get episodes of dr who in north America in the 90s.
gellaho
A strong tonal shift here
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Especially if they were the tom baker ones.
FancyShark
holy shit, we're in Silent Hill territory now
Gentleman Brendan
This was a fool's mission. They sent Frank.
gellaho
Bodybag trap
gellaho
Derpbat
Oh no
Gentleman Brendan
90% of what I knew about Dr. Who before 2012 was pinball machines.
Derpbat
They're taking him seriously.
HE'S DOOMED.
FancyShark
"There's no way this will work."
gellaho
That is some hyphenate
Derpbat
At school in Australia, there was a big contingent of fans of the fourth doctor.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Well yeah he's the best one.
gellaho
"He had to steal the jewels himself"
Derpbat
Which is like American schools being full of fans of shows from the 1970s.
FancyShark
No! Dammit, Joe!
Derpbat
Except American shows from the 1970s had a budget.
No, hang on, I think we should let Joe try it.
gellaho
This plural possessive is actually very helpful for me
Derpbat
It's mad enough it may just fail spectacularly.
FancyShark
I always like a comforting mass
gellaho
That's what I call my gut
FancyShark
Heyo!
gellaho
Why did this travel to the fifties all of a sudden
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
They've stolen the Hardy's van. There's only one thing left to take.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I'm getting a comforting mass surgically removed next month.
gellaho
And losen the tension
FancyShark
All of a sudden it's The Untouchables
oh
Derpbat
Joe internally sighed.
Someday they'd end the madness.
But not today.
gellaho
MUST CONSUME
FancyShark
Just drop the bar on the ground, Abrahamson. That's a good way to lose a finger.
gellaho
Yay, I win
gellaho
I don't feel great that Joe was the one to figure it out, but here we are
FancyShark
A win's a win
Derpbat
I don't think Joe's thrilled he figured it out either.
He's not even gotten to put his girlfriend in lethal danger today.
gellaho
Deadly trashbots
Derpbat
Oh my God it is a dalek.
FancyShark
"EXTERMINAAAAATE!"
Gentleman Brendan
Dr. 'Oossat'en?
gellaho
Joe keeps forgetting the extreme pain he's in
Derpbat
Joe, just... Just stop.
Gentleman Brendan
Joe...
FancyShark
I guess it's not just thoughts that move slower to his brain
gellaho
Trash robot facial
Derpbat
No, that ended the only way it should have.
Good work, everyone.
Gentleman Brendan
The covert burglary robot has a defensive gas with no warning or disarm
Pete choking on arsenic every night.
How many times are they going to hit the same museum?
FancyShark
"We have to hit the museum again. I forgot my keys."
gellaho
Joe is hungry for air
gellaho
This is the first time, the others were all false alarms
Thus the title
FancyShark
He had to realize he could breathe
That's our Joe
Derpbat
It's obvious Joe takes after Fenton, the world's greatest PI.
gellaho
Good thing nobody ever looked at these trashcans
Derpbat
That seems sadly plausible in this city.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe pops the robot top and reveals Kenny Baker begging for help.
Derpbat
This is a plan that would never work against Nancy Drew.
Veronica Mars maybe. But not Nancy Drew.
FancyShark
"Please! I'm just an actor! Help me!"
gellaho
Nah, she'd be too worried about one of the trashbots stealing Ned
Gentleman Brendan
You shut your upside-down mouth.
Derpbat
Someone put this in appreciation-day for me.
gellaho
The crown and scepter?
Derpbat
It's not stealing, he just got confused and followed it home.
Listen, Ned is doing the best he can.
Gentleman Brendan
Joe earned enough XP for Rainman skills, sweet.
gellaho
I count two scepters and six crowns
FancyShark
Those are the guest scepters and crowns
Derpbat
Those are trash.
gellaho
It was filled with many candy wrapper remnants
Derpbat
They only want these two.
gellaho
You know vans, always roaring like dragsters
FancyShark
Gas Tromping: The new fad. Are your teens involved? Find out tonight, at 10
Derpbat
Joe, I hate to say it.
But maybe you don't need your father or Frank.
They were holding you back. Look at you, almost doing all this almost on your own.
FancyShark
Joe had to realize he could breathe. It's a miracle he hasn't set himself on fire.
Gentleman Brendan
It's called Chetting. And ALL the teens are doing it. Know the signs: pepperoni with mushroom. Inability to focus except on food. Preference for snacks over museum security specs.
Derpbat
That's what I mean. Normally he'd need Fred to tell him that.
LyraV
Unexpected health dip
gellaho
Van bumper cars
Derpbat
Vans are famous for being good at ramming into things.
FancyShark
"Just go around me."
Gentleman Brendan
The A-Team crawls out of the wreckage.
gellaho
Bit of an anticlimactic reveal there
Gentleman Brendan
WAIT
Derpbat
Joe, thinking to himself at the same time as he doesn't have time to think.
He's a winner.
LyraV
They wanted you to miss no detail of the five second crash
Gentleman Brendan
Nobody talked to the maintenance staff and found out they had hired two young men a month ago who just moved into their address.
gellaho
That's my Joe
Gentleman Brendan
WHY HAVE ROBOTS
Derpbat
Rejected.
If you can have robots, You should.
Did Saturday morning cartoons teach you nothing?
gellaho
The robots cause the false alarms which lower the defenses of the security team
It's obviously the most simple solution
Especially when they are unnecessarily complicated trash cans
They stole the talking trash can technology from Disney
FancyShark
There are Bond villains with more straightforward plans than the Hardys' enemies
gellaho
Jesus Christ
Gentleman Brendan
That's the entire objection to saturday morning cartoons.
gellaho
That is a dead child
Gentleman Brendan
You wanted education you had to watch syndicated weekdays
FancyShark
Holy shit, author
gellaho
What child wanted education from TV
John
Not just dead. That's closed casket dead.
FancyShark
Someone's going to have to powerwash Ed's face off the bricks
Gentleman Brendan
Vindication for Joe: he has defeated the man who cucked him and also beat him in battle by achieving judo's first death.
gellaho
We've entered the blaxploitation portion of the evening
FancyShark
"Looks like someone's back to number one on the wrestling team."
Gentleman Brendan
Later, Joe visited Ed in the hospital and fed him orange juice through a straw to show no hard feelings. Ed turned his head to drink it and broke his neck.
gellaho
Joe finishes his second murder
Derpbat
Joe, stop helping.
You don't need to tie them...
Actually, sure.
They're just sleeping, Joe.
Now, look across the river.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Huh, I never thought I'd see Joe Hardy giving head injuries instead of receiving them.
gellaho
Ed "Steel Neck" Mason
Derpbat
And think about the farm.
FancyShark
Thinking quickly, Joe slashes open their throats with a rusty knife to help their airflow
Derpbat
In fairness, no one except you expected you to succeed, Joe.
FancyShark
Ed's just like Joe: Unkillable
gellaho
The violent melee continues in this book for children
Derpbat
You have disappointed only yourself.
Gentleman Brendan
Joe's going to kill Frank for not restocking the kill van
FancyShark
Eventually, Joe gets on top of Ed and keeps punching his face until he hits pavement
gellaho
Joe wins with the Captain Kirk hammer punch
Derpbat
Ed, you're not his boss. He has a first name, use it.
Gentleman Brendan
Ed may be the better wrestler, and the stronger boy-man, and the more handsome guy to slither his penis into Vanessa. But Joe fights dirty and you can't grade that.
FancyShark
Ed sputters, "Harder"
"I'm almost there"
LyraV
Starting to get real sexy now boys maybe make room for jesus
gellaho
The several dozen head injuries have ruined the Masons
Derpbat
That... Okay.
Sure.
FancyShark
Hells yes. They did it for jollies.
Derpbat
I'll buy that.
FancyShark
These guys rule
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
What he said was true, from a certain point of view.
gellaho
Time for the Mason family sob story
Derpbat
The real prize was the feeling of accomplishment.
And also all of the money.
gellaho
Or, you know, daddy issues
FancyShark
Joe shoots Peter through the forehead and turns to Ed.
"Talk faster"
gellaho
Not the greatest gambit, Peter
Gentleman Brendan
Frank is the Kaiser Soze here
Derpbat
Most people sublimate their daddy issues into alcoholism. Or, you know, something useful. I guess.
But sure, you built robots and nearly killed three people.
FancyShark
"Think of the royalties, Joe! The endorsements! We could get a series out of this!"
Gentleman Brendan
Appeal to "We're alike you and I, two sides of the same coin..."
Derpbat
That'll teach him.
Gentleman Brendan
Joe, if you send away the only orgasm your girlfriend ever had, she'll refuse to explode anymore.
Derpbat
"Daddy! I'm going to prison for three murders! DO YOU LOVE ME NOW?"
gellaho
Dicky Courts thinks he's got the upper hand here
FancyShark
Don't assume Joe understands you, dude
Derpbat
Dick, right now you're just an accessory to theft.
Are you trying to go back to prison?
FancyShark
He still thinks the phone is a weird little robot with multiple personalities
Derpbat
... Wait, what if he is?
FancyShark
Some people just can't readjust to life on the outside
Derpbat
He left prison to find his wife had changed the names of his kids, and also his kids were these two.
I'd want to go back too.
gellaho
"Don't listen to your father, I have your best interests in mind"
Derpbat
In fairness, Fenton does give terrible advice.
Gentleman Brendan
Frank would have recorded the call.
FancyShark
Frank would have skinned one brother to fool the other
Gentleman Brendan
Frank would also say "best I can do is sons or treasure, you choose," just to poison either outcome.
Frank plays GAMES.
Derpbat
Frank has already stolen the robot secrets, and is just biding his time.
Watching.
Listening.
Learning.
gellaho
Joe thinks the siren is a gumball machine
FancyShark
"Joe! Stop trying to put quarters in our engine block!"
Derpbat
... Did Dickie forget to tell Joe to come alone?
Did he assume Joe was smart enough to assume that?
You fool!
FancyShark
Idiot vs Idiot is a weird idea for a drama
gellaho
The Fast and the Furious 19: Bayport Drift
Derpbat
Joe has repeatedly demonstrated that he's too impressively stupid to be caught out.
FancyShark
Officer Riley feels that ache in his hand that means he has to write out another report about why the Hardys are not in prison
Derpbat
In fairness, just this once, I kind of agree with Joe.
The police chasing him for his minor misdemeanor is a good way to get them to the felons.
FancyShark
That's true
Derpbat
And no one involved is darker than Italian, so no one will be shot.
Gentleman Brendan
Con Riley is currently in a standoff with HIS shadowself, a crook named Cop Brockway
gellaho
"I don't want any part of crime, that's why I took advantage of my children stealing millions of dollars in jewels and kidnapped your family"
FancyShark
"Wait, YOU'RE Frank?"
<muffled> "Goddammit, Joe!"
gellaho
Deep...?
gellaho
I prefer when Simon Hawke muses about philosophy
Derpbat
On the other hand, Ed nearly turned this into a murder mystery deliberately and Pete risked manslaughter every time he triggered his robots.
Do you all know what this means?
Joe may not be the dumbest character in this book.
gellaho
Have you guys ever heard of Batman or the Joker?
gellaho
Me neither
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Fenton, you are the authorities.
FancyShark
"No harm's been done."
Ed nods, pieces of face spilling everywhere
gellaho
"We love how you took advantage of us, dad!"
FancyShark
Courtland then leaves
Derpbat
I... I hate to agree with Fenton.
But your kids are dangerous lunatics.
They belong in prison.
Like, if this had stopped at just clever robbery, I could kind of see your point?
FancyShark
Nah. Few hours community service, right as rain
Derpbat
But your kids are basically Jigsaw and Freddy, the younger years, and they probably should be put somewhere where we're going to know where they are?
Derpbat
Oh, yeah, no, you're right.
Don't know what I was thinking.
LyraV
I feel like any time you're giving a lengthy diatribe about 'justice' you lose
FancyShark
At this point, it's more delaying tactic than persuasive argument
gellaho
Joker and Sons
gellaho
FancyShark
Death by Robo Spunk
Derpbat
EXTERMINATE
gellaho
Trud, Trud
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They'll try to keep their sanity, with the help of their robot friends.
FancyShark
Please tell me they're defeated by the controllers running out of batteries
Derpbat
Crow would go for it.
gellaho
Suddenly: baseball
Derpbat
Joe is finally back to what he does best.
Wanton destruction.
gellaho
Brilliant robotics
FancyShark
Then Mel Gibson tells Joe to "swing away" and the robots are defeated by water and M. Night Shamaylan is insufferable
Derpbat
... Pete, you utter moron.
FancyShark
hahaha
Wrench to the body, then gas
These robots fight like teamsters
Derpbat
Why would you program them to have the default option being attack.
gellaho
Smacks hands that's the end of that chapter
gellaho
You just love murder so much
That's why
FancyShark
Did Fenton and Richard just have sex?
gellaho
Write your erotic old Hardy fan fic on your own time
Derpbat
Joe isn't the dumbest guy in the book. Fenton isn't a total waste of pages. Laura Hardy actually does something. The allegedly sympathetic kids with daddy issues are psychopaths.
LyraV
To be fair I had the same question
Derpbat
And neither girlfriend is put in mortal danger.
gellaho
Suddenly: museum opening
Derpbat
This is a remarkable Hardy Boys book.
FancyShark
Then the doors pulp all the patrons
gellaho
Suddenly: backstory
gellaho
FancyShark
World's greatest detective, Fenton Hardy
LyraV
Botrovian Descent, new band name I call it
gellaho
I wish the fake Eastern European country from the Hardy Boys TV show finale was Botrovia
I also don't remember, so it might have been
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Botrovia is sandwiched between sokovia and latveria.
Derpbat
Abrahamson is a name I hate.
Gentleman Brendan
i love that the evil hardys even have an evil fenton
Derpbat
And I can't put it quite into words.
gellaho
"I can't be bothered to say which one, you figure it out"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Abraham is not a name that lends itself to patronymic naming systems.
FancyShark
Post? Times? Ahh, whatever. They're all the same
gellaho
"Really, Vanessa? Because of the salsa?"
FancyShark
"I can't wait for you to die in an explosion."
gellaho
"Simple: I'm a moron"
FancyShark
"And I forgot our safe word."
gellaho
Joe's offer of gum goes ignored
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Somersaults in my salsa is something I'd be terrified to search on urban dictionary.
gellaho
Why was it included? Who knows
LyraV
Fuck that shit Callie, your boyfriend is a moron.
FancyShark
Laura's not talking about the Masons
gellaho
We end with FEEDING
FancyShark
No alarms or automation. So, Perkin's bathroom it is