2: Cold Steele J.D. Masters (Simon Hawke)

gellaho

Anyway, GET PRIMED FOR STEELE

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

it just sounds boring, like old D&D/White Wolf settings where the NPCs were dealing with all the plothooks

[4:59 PM]

there's nothing for Tammy Radbody, Ford Trukk and Gnag the Nameless to do, it's all for Donut Steele, Superalloy Darkshine and Manic Pixie Dream Underage Hooker to deal with

Alpha Scientist Javo

STEELE and ICE

gellaho

COLD STEELE

1

[5:00 PM]

get it

Alpha Scientist Javo

oh jesus christ

[5:00 PM]

now I do

Science God Q Alchemy

As soon as the hero says "I work alone" you know we're in for a whole new level of writing

gellaho

So, the setting is inaccurate from the very first sentence

Alpha Scientist Javo

Hes going to meet a big titted scientist working to cure the virus who is going to have an overwhelming urge to milk the jizz from him like its the last dick on earth

gellaho

We're introduced to Dev Cooper here. He flew to New York from Santa Fe

[5:03 PM]

Flew. So now there are working airports and airplanes

[5:04 PM]

But the New York street gangs have surface to air missiles

Alpha Scientist Javo

and limos and uniformed marines(edited)

Science God Q Alchemy

I think the author forgot about how he ended the world at the start of this

gellaho

That the gangs also decided to not use in the last book when Steele was airdropped in to gang territory, or the two times news helicopters flew over those same areas

Alpha Scientist Javo

I guess the nukes were just for ambiance

Science God Q Alchemy

Did this book series start out as sux million dollar man fan fic?

gellaho

Also, nobody knows anything about California, Hawaii or Alaska even though they have planes

Science God Q Alchemy

I meant six million but I'm keeping it(edited)

[5:05 PM]

Steele is the sux million dollar man

@gellaho

Also, nobody knows anything about California, Hawaii or Alaska even though they have planes

Science God Q Alchemy

Nobody bothered to check on alaska

Alpha Scientist Javo

Alaska is like just fine

[5:06 PM]

theyd ont even know about the virus

Science God Q Alchemy

They don't even know the world ended their quality of life is exactly the same

gellaho

So this Dev guy is from Texas, which has seceded but was working in Los Alamos on this Federal project

[5:07 PM]

Also, antisemitism

Science God Q Alchemy

Texas finally seceded. Made sure the federal government was crippled before they did

gellaho

A lot of this is summary of the setting of the first book. Not the story, because Steele has been barely mentioned

gellaho

Also, every man in this book seems to be around 42 years old

Alpha Scientist Javo

42 year old men who no ones likes because they are Texan

[5:12 PM]

Someone get a big white sheet because we got some projection

gellaho

Looks like this guy is taking over for the dead Lady Scientist. We know have Texan Psychiatrist

Science God Q Alchemy

Never let your insecurities be your cowriter

gellaho

I have great news about Steele's dick!

Science God Q Alchemy

Can't forget about Steele's fleshy have man dick

[5:14 PM]

Author just really wanted to make sure we know his dick works, for some reason

Old Man Brendan

We moved your memories onto a computer, then put the computer where your brain is, then you got Wolverined.

[5:15 PM]

Did they back him up to an external drive first?

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

can't let the men reading this as a power fantasy imagine even for a second that his sick cyborg powers had the cost of no fuck

Science God Q Alchemy

Why did they consider preserving the dick to be of utmost priority as they scrapped his remains from rubble

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

gender essentialism!

[5:16 PM]

he ain't a MAN without his MANLY PENIS, which ONLY MEN HAVE and WITHOUT WHICH NO MANLINESS can EXIST

gellaho

He had a psychocybernetic biochip in his brain that they used to extract his skills and memories

Science God Q Alchemy

It's a weird fixation on him being able to have kids too, like he could just have a techno dick

gellaho

Everyone is a dick, and is dressed like a cartoon

Science God Q Alchemy

Ship of theseus problem that they do nothing with

gellaho

How are there tailors and barbers

Science God Q Alchemy

Didn't 90% of the population die from a virus?

[5:20 PM]

How is society not like, mad maxin' it(edited)

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

i would take umbrage to this depiction of my home but tbh there are cowboys just walking around

[5:21 PM]

and in santa fe there are art cowboys

Science God Q Alchemy

Yeah you got cowboy dressed dudes out here too

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

i went to a concert and there were leather jacket rock dads, older women with turquoise and squash blossoms, an old man in a stetson and chinese dragon robe, and a Tenggrist priest

gellaho

I laughed out loud when I read that this Dev guy has an IQ of 197

Science God Q Alchemy

"well pardner this here painting is an expression of the deep longing in my soul" art cowboy

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

although to be fair the band brought the Tenggrist priest

[5:22 PM]

he was their priest

gellaho

Dev is another guy in his 40s whose wife left him

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

the robe-and-stetson guy though was pure Santa Fe

Science God Q Alchemy

God why did the most boring man in existence survive the 3 different apocalypses that happened in this world

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

the band was the HU, the priest was there to bless the stage (possibly)

Science God Q Alchemy

It's like they how a reddit would describe himself

gellaho

Texan Psychiatrist only speaks in questions

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

he was cursed by a goblin to be eternally quizzical

gellaho

He literally asks 8 questions in a row

[5:25 PM]

This is some solid exposition

Science God Q Alchemy

An IQ of 197 should be enough for this guy to know IQ is bullshit

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

8HIT COMBO! INSPIRING!

@gellaho

Dev is another guy in his 40s whose wife left him

Dr Skin, the dandy

Because she wasn't ready to settle down. The author is making progress, on his hatred for his wife's obvious infidelity. Because of of his non human looking penis. He has a fantasy of an entirely adequate penis.

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

oh wait, it was 8 questions, so

8HIT COMBO? INSPIRING?(edited)

Science God Q Alchemy

" my ideal self would be a cybernetic killing machine but with an adequatly functioning dick that wasn't infertile"

Dr Skin, the dandy

Dev is here to answer 1987 mailed in fan complaints.

@Science God Q Alchemy

" my ideal self would be a cybernetic killing machine but with an adequatly functioning dick that wasn't infertile"

Dr Skin, the dandy

I love that you guys taught me "Showing your ass"

Science God Q Alchemy

"Steele's not impotent, it's important everyone know that. Also he can have kids, his sperm is doing fantastic. Also very important for the story that everyone know this"

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

very, very telling that the computer brain is just like "yeah it's fine" but the real human dick is super important

[5:28 PM]

JD Masters: soul is stored in the balls

@Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

very, very telling that the computer brain is just like "yeah it's fine" but the real human dick is super important

Science God Q Alchemy

"can I even call myself a man? Oh wait yeah I still have a dick"

[5:29 PM]

It reminds me on star trek where they had to really drive home the point that data could fuck.

gellaho

ROBO-HANDS, ROBO-HANDS, ROBO-HANDS

Dr Skin, the dandy

When we detach femininity from birth and care isn't the milestone. When we can have positive masculine traits without a cock would seem to be the next milestone. I predict a wave of hyper masculine activity by females that will REALLY threaten old conservatives.

gellaho

Science God Q Alchemy

Do the hands vibrate?

Dr Skin, the dandy

It's the grasping horrified nature of them.

Like if they were relaxed they wouldn't trouble me so much.

gellaho

"The lock releases are slaved to your brain," Higgins said.

I don't like that phrasing

Science God Q Alchemy

"my hands detach and are mechanical. I'm very pent up because I am afraid to risk my precious human penis attempting to masturbate with them"

Dr Skin, the dandy

Isn't slaved just a process term?

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

i mean, my hands do that when i'm stressed too

and yeah "slaved" is just computer mechanical terminology

gellaho

It's fairly outdated

People usually say "client/server" these days

Science God Q Alchemy

"this penis is the last vestige of my humanity, and I will keep a tight grip on it. Figuratively. Not literally. Can't risk it"

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

if i was in a firefight and also was filled with 90 pounds of electronics, my claws would be up

Dr Skin, the dandy

I think we should keep the word but ditch the practice.

Science God Q Alchemy

I am not going to let go of the real human penis thing, it's so fucking weird

Dr Skin, the dandy

It's so clear.

gellaho

gellaho

"Rocket darts"

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

you are now Fuckhands McSteele

and your BIG MEATY CLAWS ain't just for attracting mates

gellaho

Lol, they replaced all his teeth

Dr Skin, the dandy

"Don't mix up your left and right"

Science God Q Alchemy

Compensated is an interesting word when talking about a 10 mil hand canon

gellaho

And he has a "nysteel" jaw

Is "nysteel" a real thing? This dude has said it about 100 times and has not bothered explaining it

Science God Q Alchemy

Love the bits in military fiction when they dryly describe all the weaponry

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

a cursory google turns up no results

gellaho

Oh, also: Steele has been naked this whole time

Dr Skin, the dandy

Nylon must have been all the rage.

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

with his NORMAL HUMAN DICK completely out

Science God Q Alchemy

Also he definitely can't masturbate with gun hands, really risk that human penis he has weirdly grafted to his robo body

gellaho

He probably has a fleshlight attachment

Dr Skin, the dandy

This is nothing. Tom Clancy. Anyone who can read that should be checking user agreements for a living.

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

those bits are dumb but part of me kinda likes them

the same part that reads the D&D equipment splatbooks for fun

Dr Skin, the dandy

I think his wife left him for personality reasons and he just can't conceive it wasn't because of dick.

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

oh yeah for these chuds it all comes down to dick

Science God Q Alchemy

As I read the load outs in these books I always wonder " am I meant to be masturbating to this?"

gellaho

Sounds like we're going to meet Ice. This might start going sideways really fast

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

i bet he said "street" with a brief pause before and after, like a 50s housewife picking up a dead mouse

Dr Skin, the dandy

I don't remember how Steele got injured already

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

the goldurn ethnics blowed him up

gellaho

The first time he got shot, exploded, and then part of a building fell on him

The second time he and his lady friend were shot by a helicopter minigun

Science God Q Alchemy

Let's place bets on if ices dialogue will have a ton of apostrophes

Dr Skin, the dandy

on the word yo.

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

take one drink for every 5 apostrophes in Ice's dialogue

gellaho

Steele eats baby food like Robocop

Dr Skin, the dandy

Yo'

Science God Q Alchemy

I'm at work

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

slurpp

Dr Skin, the dandy

I promised I would stop drinking but I have a problem that requires no Xmas booze is in the house.

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

probably for the best, odds are that you'd get zooted faster than my friend keira after a conference is held at the hotel she works at

Science God Q Alchemy

He eats? So he still has a human stomach and colon along with his dick?

Dr Skin, the dandy

What's his ass like?

This is the real question.

Science God Q Alchemy

Normal human ass, definitely not a super weird and gross butthole

The colon and stomach are the first things I'd get roboted out

Dr Skin, the dandy

How much more interesting to give him a waste shute he feels awful about, than a normal dick.

gellaho

He also has a miniature fusion reactor, so I don't know why he has to eat anyway

Science God Q Alchemy

Fuck it robot dick too, unlike jd masters I'm not a coward

Science God Q Alchemy

Jd masters is worse at his job than gregory godek

There I said it

Dr Skin, the dandy

1. The ability to control sleep. It's so weird this is a thing that requires so much management.

2. The waste process. Just a heavy little pellet. You can just throw it discreetly

gellaho

This starts with Texas Border patrol, then goes somewhere I didn't expect

Science God Q Alchemy

Fucking based

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

wait, a take in tis book that isn't ice cold??

wack

Science God Q Alchemy

The Chads up in el paso solving the problems

Dr Skin, the dandy

I didn't want to spoil the ambience.

But what a weird take.

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

grunkle stan voice now this is beautiful

gellaho

I can't figure this dude out

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

treating addiction like a health thing instead of a crime thing is one of my beliefs, can't believe it's here of all places

it's so bizarre after all the weird political takes and gender essentialism

Dr Skin, the dandy

We have no infrastructure, screamer zombies running around and no A&E department. But addiction is a disease and prohibition causes criminal markets. What? No we kill burglars.

Science God Q Alchemy

Incels up on the coast just built a super tough robot man

Dr Skin, the dandy

I want 'Peacemaker' to make an appearance.

I really felt short changed in the first episode.

Science God Q Alchemy

I bet el paso will be destroyed by their stupid liberal decadence or something

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

such a weird mix of takes

Science God Q Alchemy

Or turn out to be shady

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

this is the most bizarre book

Science God Q Alchemy

Like the walking dead whenever they people who aren't awful

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

but like, before it's "revealed" that el paso is terrible, i want it going on the record how good this addiction take is

Dr Skin, the dandy

Author coming to whatever level of thought he reached.

Interesting to know his age

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

this is legit a good idea

Dr Skin, the dandy

Drug clinics?

Science God Q Alchemy

Decriminalization and rehabilitation

I knew a libertarian dude who was like " make all drugs legal but don't offer any help to addicts"

Dr Skin, the dandy

They don't work either. I've had a lot of addiction in my family. It feeds the addiction and the substitute drugs are as bad.

Science God Q Alchemy

It was weird

gellaho

At least he didn't say Ice's voice was "unmistakably black" this time

Science God Q Alchemy

Also pet peeves, a hot take isn't a good take, just an unusual one. A cold take is just an average or uncontroversial take

Greg Danang Danar Dono

Does his robot brain let him know chest circumference at a glance

gellaho

Honestly, it might

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

he found out later, using his robot hands

Science God Q Alchemy

Bam apostrophes

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

during a moment of passion

Science God Q Alchemy

With his normal human dick

gellaho

Between Ice and Texan Psychiatrist, I feel like I won't be seeing a lot of the letter g

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

after he consummates his passion, he returns to the science men and asks them to amp up his dick

Science God Q Alchemy

"hey yo I be all black an shit"

Dr Skin, the dandy

Ain't goin to be doin them g's

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

for, after seeing Ice's Ice Pick up close, he feels that nature has been inadequate to him

Science God Q Alchemy

Ice is working with a soft 10 inches

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

ice's dick is like Ira Gamagori's height

Dr Skin, the dandy

Now you say that, there's definitely a reference to black dick coming. Ice is going to say something like "Well I guess it ain't true what they say"

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

arbitrary for comedic and dramatic purposes

gellaho

He's also always wearing sunglasses

He ends their conversation by putting on his sunglasses, laying on a bed and turning on a TV

Dr Skin, the dandy

Shouldn't be touching people's eyes.

Science God Q Alchemy

I'm just wondering if the editor had to drop some n bombs the writer peppered into ices dialogue

Dr Skin, the dandy

No because this is black on a pedestal

Science God Q Alchemy

God steele wants to fuck ice so hard

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

yeah this is like, the Schwartzubermenschen, not garden-variety racism

Science God Q Alchemy

Yeah, I was going for more if a "clueless white guy not sure why it's an issue"

Dr Skin, the dandy

This is "Ideal black friend territory"

A sort of hyper masculine god. The anti Venus.

Science God Q Alchemy

"but that's how they talk" he would whine at his editor

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

that's why i called him Superalloy Darkshine

pictured: ice

Science God Q Alchemy

Tbh I kind of want to fuck ice after reading some of those descriptions

gellaho

Dr Skin, the dandy

Ice has a bigger head I think.

gellaho

How are there large, bonded private security companies

Who is giving out the bonds?

Science God Q Alchemy

There were no second drafts

Or editors

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

i don't have a picture of superalloy darkshine with a bigger head

Science God Q Alchemy

Or sobriety

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

yeah :Pensive3D:

Dr Skin, the dandy

This world is being built by the seat of the authors pants.

Dr Skin, the dandy

You guys have so much anime in the bank.

gellaho

Of course security checked ice

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

i just looked it up because he's the most recent example of well-intentioned racism i have in my banks

i know exactly 6* animes

Dr Skin, the dandy

The proportions of the shoulders are so problematic and so much better than real human

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

would you like to know the worst thing about superalloy darkshine

Dr Skin, the dandy

Now that the author has Ice, there is zero probability he knows what to do with Ice, until his heroic sacrifice at some point.

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

i'm like 90% sure he was a typical japanese dude and this is his super saiyan form

Dr Skin, the dandy

The glory.

gellaho

Me and Ice are on the same page when referring to Lady Scientist

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

ah, nuthin'

my White Dude Writing Black Dude bingo card is filling

Science God Q Alchemy

"besides I bet you got a sweet duck upgrade to go with the new robot body"

Dr Skin, the dandy

"That were the lady Doctor died?"

He's being written like a fucking 6 year old now.

gellaho

That's the second nuthin' so far

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

:pain:

:pain:

Science God Q Alchemy

"ain't no use agonizing, or laying blame to any particular individual who may or may not be responsible for your current situation"

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

god that's how i actually talk tho

i've used "ain't none" and "diagetic" in the same sentence

gellaho

Oh, brother

Science God Q Alchemy

"you are what you are, just accept that and that it happened and it's nobodies fault and move on"

Dr Skin, the dandy

Weird time to threaten him

Science God Q Alchemy

God he is just nailing it writing a black guy

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

it's all building up to their night of sweet sweet love

Dr Skin, the dandy

Just so you know...were in this together but I don't feel comfortable going to Harlem with you. Just so you know I'm kind of twitchy about the whole situation and may kill you from fear.

Science God Q Alchemy

Just, no complaints, totally perfect

gellaho

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

and ice is like "you're valid, i recognize that i am black and do not blame you"

gellaho

"I be at your funeral"

Science God Q Alchemy

This is why they wanted his knowledge, he is just he perfect cop

Dr Skin, the dandy

This is Ice, that's Slim, that Weebway, none of us have fucking names you recognise. This is the streets

Science God Q Alchemy

God just, fucking nailing it

gellaho

Dr Skin, the dandy

There's Paul, fucking Honky kept his house after his wife died.

gellaho

Mr. "I be at your funeral" is also a pimp

so that's fun

Science God Q Alchemy

"I have seen half of a blaxploitation film, I think I've got this" jd masters

Dr Skin, the dandy

No, I think he pimps out literal foxes.

gellaho

Whelp

gellaho

That's, uh, that's rough

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

hard r and everything, huh

Dr Skin, the dandy

Yeah. Nobody ever said Shee'it

Science God Q Alchemy

THERE :clap:WAS :clap:A PLAGUE:clap:

Dr Skin, the dandy

The confidence level attained there in dialogue and the fact it was buried mid paragraph. Author gave himself an A*

Science God Q Alchemy

Also fucking called it

You all doubted me but I called it

Never question me again

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

i never doubted you for a second paisan

:handshake:

Wirebiter (he/him)

shee-it

gellaho

And a "Damn!"

gellaho

getting all the hits in there

Wirebiter (he/him)

chuff chuff

Science God Q Alchemy

"ok jd, you get one n word but I'm cutting out the rest" the editor, weary

gellaho

I like how vague it is about the poison

I would also like some clarification on how the hands work

gellaho

The cover has the hand like clipped to his belt

Ferroday, ScapeApe

I feel like I'm reading dialogue for mudflaps and skidz that was too racist for the transformers movies

Brockway

I don't know that I'll ever have the time to fully catch up on this, but I pinned the start for anyone coming in late

gellaho

Sounds like ice wants to be a robot

gellaho

I won't be sharing any of this, but I just got through a rape scene

Dr Skin, the dandy

"ask him about his dick"

Oh god can I delete that

@gellaho

For the record that was not in response to you

gellaho

I know

Ferroday, ScapeApe

I feel like steel just wears a sign or something with "ask me about my dick" written on it

gellaho

Seems like Ice and Steele have murdered all the rapists. If you were wondering, the rapists were black and the girl was white

Then a zombie screamer showed up out of nowhere to attack their cab

Dr Skin, the dandy

They're in Harlem. Don't read anything into it.

They need to be given a masculine ideal murder victim

Better question, did they offer any assistance to the victim, or is she just their as total violence justification

gellaho

He decided to use this moment to show off his vocabulary

gellaho

They're taking her with them. Remains to be seen

Dr Skin, the dandy

Ice, rolling up his window.

gellaho

"scrofulous" is apparently a real word

Dr Skin, the dandy

My only exposure to scrofula is Terry Pratchett @Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

i've mostly heard it as a synonym for "mangy", like "this is a generally scruffy and ill-assembled individual and the comparison to the disease is metaphorical"

Dr Skin, the dandy

Rincewind, hanging off the edge of the world, death can't make it so scrofula has to sub in.

Pustulant is a good one.

gellaho

So, the rape victim is Raven, the "hardened young hooker" from the back of the book. That's one way to introduce a character

This guy does not have the skill to pull this off

Dr Skin, the dandy

Haha, barely 16 may be coming up.

Such a weird male fantasy. Saving innocents from rape. Teeters towards something.

gellaho

She's 22, I guess

Science God Q Alchemy

NAILING IT

gellaho

You know, I was really happy that the last book avoided the standard pulp '80s rape scene

Dr Skin, the dandy

I knew he was going to have her just move on to talking tough.

Science God Q Alchemy

They don't care about rape they care about justified violence

Dr Skin, the dandy

"Wash the taste out of my mouth"

These pillows are legitimately great and very soft