2: Cold Steele J.D. Masters (Simon Hawke)

Science God Q Alchemy

God, just, the writing just sparkles

gellaho

I would appreciate it if this kind of prose stopped

Science God Q Alchemy

It's a treat to witness a master at his craft

Dr Skin, the dandy

Better take her under my wing

Science God Q Alchemy

Make her a robot, but gotta keep her normal human vagina and womb

Just, just gotta

gellaho

Check out how this paragraph changes from beginning to end

Dr Skin, the dandy

It's the idea that's she is jaded to what she has experienced, so she can be a straw man for his heroism as well as his depravity

gellaho

She had been beaten, oh but those legs are so sexy

Science God Q Alchemy

This feels like some kind of dark fantasy

Dr Skin, the dandy

The whole series. Yeah, it's not going to turn into literature

Science God Q Alchemy

Like a part of his psyche that should have stayed off the page

This is jd masters truly showing his ass

Dr Skin, the dandy

"Showing his ass" again I never had the ability to articulate this.

gellaho

I always wonder how much of this is people trying to copy something they've seen

Dr Skin, the dandy

Could be. Saw some seventies gangster flick.

Made too much of an impression.

Science God Q Alchemy

It's like a noir without the substance

Dr Skin, the dandy

That's the beauty of taxi driver. Deniro doesn't try to sleep with jodie

Science God Q Alchemy

If steele and raven hook up I'm hunting jd masters down

Dr Skin, the dandy

And the upset of the director's cut of Leon

Science God Q Alchemy

Like the terminator

He will know no peace

Dr Skin, the dandy

I would like to imagine he's grown past this.

Science God Q Alchemy

He will know no peace

gellaho

This book is moving so much faster than the last one, but not in a good way

I think at this point in the last book I was still hearing about his broken marriage

gellaho

I think at this point in the last book I was still hearing about his broken marriage

Dr Skin, the dandy

He is going to sleep with her.

gellaho

Like in the course of a couple of paragraphs, Raven goes from "I'm going to sleep with him" to "I'm going to leave with his weapons" to "I'm going to stab him"

Science God Q Alchemy

Man she is every 90s "tough girl" cliche huh

Dr Skin, the dandy

He called her Raven.

gellaho

The boots and fatigues has to be a fetish thing

there's no other reason for her to do that

Dr Skin, the dandy

My flashbacks to the teen titan series are worse that my flashbacks to the Steele series of books.

Dr Skin, the dandy

Fetish of a woman wearing your clothes, marks her as willingly being your possession.

Science God Q Alchemy

So like, the apocalypse thing really did not matter. He could have made this future just a result of ordinary societal decay like a lot of these kinds of stories.

Dr Skin, the dandy

Fun intro though.

Very small horizons

gellaho

Now, tonal whiplash. We move to Dev Cooper reminiscing about Texas

This is the post-apocalypse

What the fuck do you mean people in New York move faster?

Everyone is dead

gellaho

This is the post-apocalypse

What the fuck do you mean people in New York move faster?

Everyone is dead

Ye Olde Albany Blood Knife

Don’t you know all New Yorkers become The Flash in the event of an apocalypse?

Dr Skin, the dandy

Wear your fucking Stetson. That guy shoots robot darts out of his third hand. Nobody gives a fuck about your hat.

Ye Olde Albany Blood Knife

It’s part of our stereotype

Dr Skin, the dandy

Weirdly conformist apocalypse

98% of the population has been wiped out. Harlem is still full of Jive Turkeys and are those fucking sandals Johnson in a debrief?

gellaho

I gotta share this whole page, because this is some of the stupidest shit I have read so far

He just throws out "Oh, all the Navajo are dead"

And then spends the entire page talking about rural life in New Mexico

gellaho

He just throws out "Oh, all the Navajo are dead"

And then spends the entire page talking about rural life in New Mexico

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

wait, isn;t he supposed to be from El Paso??

also what hte fuckle

gellaho

New Mexico, a state that is mostly irradiated at this point. Except for the place where the atomic bomb was fucking invented

Ye Olde Albany Blood Knife

The preceding paragraph seems to be an excerpt from a southwestern retelling of The Birds as well

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

radiation ust makes us stronger

gellaho

A better author would use the fact that he was a researcher at Los Alamos for some sort of irony

Dr Skin, the dandy

The author knows some things and has some ideas

It's weird that we can do this.

gellaho

This guy doesn't even seem to make the connection between the atomic bomb and the Manhattan project

Dr Skin, the dandy

Wait. I forget, why is everything irradiated?

Did we bomb the virus?

gellaho

Russia nuked all the places in the US where there were missile silos because they thought the US had invented the virus

And the US did the opposite

Don't worry, it doesn't make any sense

Dr Skin, the dandy

Seems reasonable

Nuclear weapons and biological weapons are a bit of a Chekovs gun.

They will say, "didn't they see it coming"

gellaho

I guess Texas Psychiatrist is Native American

gellaho

Even though his name is Devon Cooper

I'm also not 100% on that

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

it's probably in some "1/8 Cherokee" BS kinda way

Dr Skin, the dandy

"He felt somehow, a very specific set of circumstances drove his imagined ancestors out of the San Juan Basin"

I wish my intuition was that narrow.

gellaho

These scientists are quite advanced for the apocalypse

gellaho

Reminder: most of the southwest has regressed to the 1800's

except for New Mexico apparently

Now they've made a computer program out of Steele, that will respond in Steele's voice

Greg Danang Danar Dono

And it's no big deal

Dr Skin, the dandy

That bit in the 80's I will forgive them. The fact he's doing it with like 32mb of memory for a human personality though

gellaho

You guys remember when we could transport ideas directly into the brain during the 90s?

Dr Skin, the dandy

Boot it up, watch out though, ethically everytime it goes on standby you murder Steele. Probably best not to discuss it with him

That's actually quite prescient

gellaho

This dipshit was writing this in late 1989

He expected technology to get this far in the next couple of years?

Dr Skin, the dandy

It would have all seemed very close then. The Turing test etc.

The AI problem didn't seem so intractable when I was a child. We thought it was right around the corner.

gellaho

By the way, one of the scientists is named "Phil Gates"

He doesn't seem to be trying very hard

"I want to create a character based on Bill Gates, but I need to make it distinct for the mid 21st century"

In the past couple of pages, I've there have been terrible references to Frankenstein ("It's alive...It's alive...") and The Great Gatsby

Well, there's the second N-bomb

I can't even explain this

gellaho

I can't even explain this

Old Man Brendan

Racist mob boss vs. cyborg who has to think about whether he accepts the child sex trafficking victim's advances or not is like watching COVID fight Robo-COVID.

I mean, I assume he's a mob boss because he's an Italian in an '80s novel.

gellaho

He is

Old Man Brendan

They're reprogramming their Bloodshot, and the only new identity they can give him is The Punisher?

gellaho

He was kind of like that before he died

These pages are fucking baffling. Steele has a bad dream where he is married to some woman who is not his ex-wife. Then the rape victim, Raven, comforts him while naked and then makes him breakfast in the morning

I feel like there are pages missing

Old Man Brendan

Still makes more sense than our world that's ACTUALLY SPINNING FASTER: https://www.extremetech.com/extreme/318952-earth-is-spinning-faster-after-decades-of-slowing-down

ExtremeTech

Ryan Whitwam

Earth Is Spinning Faster After Decades of Slowing Down - ExtremeTech

Earth isn't a clock, and the actual length of a day can vary slightly. Scientists now say that the days have started trending shorter because the Earth is spinning faster, which could require potentially confusing adjustments.

I've written enough garbage fiction to know when a writer is like "Yeaahhhh, this is the deep stuff the critics will love, gotta throw 'em a bone before I give the real readership the sexy stuff."

gellaho

Yeah, Might pick me up a thing or two while I be at it.

That's just some brilliant writing for a black character there

Old Man Brendan

permit me to sigh in advance.

Science God Q Alchemy

NAILING IT

gellaho

Oh, shit. The prostitute with a heart of gold has ties to Borodini's failure of a son

Greg Danang Danar Dono

That's just good writing

Science God Q Alchemy

chefs kiss

gellaho

Goddammit

Greg Danang Danar Dono

I was confused about what Tommy B stood for

No! Don't say that wryly!

Spit in disgust and say that

Science God Q Alchemy

Tommy B commiting statutory

Old Man Brendan

Are there any details about Ice it wouldn't depress us to learn?

gellaho

I refuse to share most of this stuff with Raven. It's too rough

Science God Q Alchemy

Actually is it still illegal in this he'll future that somehow has all the law and order and structure if society but sometimes zombies?

It's basically future 70s he did not need 8 different world ending scenarios to set this up

gellaho

I want more of this kind of stupid shit with Steele's robot parts

Science God Q Alchemy

"In writing this gritty post apocalyptic series it is important that the cyborg heroes powers be as silly as possible, make sure it really conflicts with the intended tone" jd masters, genius

Also super glad we confirm her story in a split second, God forbid we potentially have any suspense or force these characters to have to trust each other.

Old Man Brendan

That's...a pretty fair assessment of how cyborg brains would function.

Science God Q Alchemy

Also newspapers and chic nightclubs after the zombie nuke apocalypse

Old Man Brendan

This dude has wikipedia in his Google glass brain.

Cyberpunk logic

gellaho

Christopher Nolan stole from Steele

"SWEAR TO ME"

Science God Q Alchemy

No second drafts or editors, only jd masters and his ass

Which is on full display

gellaho

Ice and Raven went on a shopping spree in the post apocalypse

This has two of my favorite sentences so far "Raven looked very different with clothes on" and "The outfit brought out her trashy sexuality"

Science God Q Alchemy

ASS ON DISPLAY

gellaho

This is the worst

Jesus H. Christ

Ferroday, ScapeApe

I need a shower

Dr Skin, the dandy

Lowering the bar, to make Steele look good by comparison

gellaho

You ain't reading this

Science God Q Alchemy

Just showing off his whole ass

I think in theory this is meant to show he's a bad guy, but his lust for underage ass is framed pretty neutrally.

Which is odd

gellaho

I wanted more Ice, less pedophilia

Old Man Brendan

We're all laughing but what if we bought a pulp dime novel about a cyborg Rambo and found the pinnacle of human literature? Imagine someone giving this their all.

Science God Q Alchemy

Imagine like, faulkner writing this

Imagine vonnegut or david foster wallace

gellaho

This could be done well, but this guy alternates between philosophical arguments about "What is a man?," weird horniness, bad action, and just summaries of the last book without any sort of rhyme or reason

Old Man Brendan

What is a man? Weird horniness, bad action.

Science God Q Alchemy

He barely touched the arguments imo

Just has steele be sad for a second and then someone's like "it's cool, your good"

gellaho

Like, here he's talking about this dream Steele has about another family he doesn't know

He's done it three times and hasn't built on it at all

There's also a weird Oedipal bit where his mom randomly shows up

Science God Q Alchemy

That could be a cool idea, like it's a programmers memories they used when building the brain or maybe his memories have been falsified in some way

Old Man Brendan

better than this Electra shit happening with a child.

gellaho

I'm assuming that's where it's going, but he hasn't done any legwork

Old Man Brendan

This came out after Robocop?

gellaho

yes

Science God Q Alchemy

Off course not, too many graphic descriptions of rape and pedophillia

Old Man Brendan

"Robocop Rambo Escapes From New York" must have seemed like a sure win.

Science God Q Alchemy

Really got to explore the space in those ones

gellaho

It would make sense for Steele to have issues with his mother, after all she turned into a zombie and infected the rest of his family

But he doesn't connect those dots

He should have family issues, period. His dad shot his brothers and then himself after they were infected

Science God Q Alchemy

Yeah it is a bunch of thoughtless cliches and references to better media crammed into an extremely unlikable book

The ready player one of its time

Old Man Brendan

He totally recalls not being Rambocop

Making fun of first-draft shit like this used to be my most fun to write/least fun to read Cracked pastime.

Science God Q Alchemy

The cover artist should write, he seems like he'd take it fun places

Old Man Brendan

"Deke slid back the action on his Mossberg P-71 cyber-rifle. Damn the Nazi-Hippies were up to something. He could smell it with his feeling guts, no matter what that idiot Captain said."

gellaho

Nevermind, he just fucking said it in the bluntest way possible

Old Man Brendan

Boxing Day Steele -- the cover sucks, the story rocks. DECEMBER, 1988, DRUGSTORES NEAR YOU

gellaho

I still can't believe there's a character named "Phil Gates"

How much italics is too much italics

gellaho

I take it all back, this man is the greatest author of all time

Old Man Brendan

Reminds me of Plato's treatise on whether Hesphaestus and Hades could create a zombot so lifelike it wasn't a moral crime to fuck it.

Science God Q Alchemy

"I'll resolve this twist quickly in the most ham handed way possible, so I have more time to devote to all the statutory references" jd masters, genius

gellaho

"high-tech necrophilia" imagine writing that

I'm impressed

Science God Q Alchemy

Jd masters, genius, just knocking it out if the park on this one

gellaho

gellaho

I

That's a real person

Wtf

Ron Jaworksi

He was a fucking quarterback. I don't know why, but that did it

So Raven figured out that Steele is a robot by sucking on his finger

Old Man Brendan

Did Ron play for the Steelers, Green Bay, or Chicago?

I knew this creepy scene would happen.

gellaho

I believe he's primarily known for Philadelphia

Science God Q Alchemy

You have to tell them your a robot or it's entrapment

Old Man Brendan

What if you're a Robocop? You're only required to disclose one.

Science God Q Alchemy

Also best way to let her know, point a gun at her

gellaho

You know, I enjoy having a penis as much as the next guy. But I wouldn't write about it this much

Greg Danang Danar Dono

I don't know, but I don't think we are there yet

gellaho

I miss Ice

Science God Q Alchemy

God raven is being like, the most insensitive right now

gellaho

Okay, so there's no real context for this next bit. In the middle of a chapter, we switch perspective to a foot-soldier guarding farms in upstate New York

Then things get a little pornographic

Science God Q Alchemy

Oh good

gellaho

gellaho

gellaho

It briefly turns into an '80s slasher, but without any of the fun

Also, another underaged girl

Science God Q Alchemy

Reading this book I'm reminded of the seanbaby line "I've never seen someone be so bad at something and not die from it"

gellaho

Raven decided to fuck and fall in love with him because of this

I think my brain is melting

Science God Q Alchemy

This writer wants to write porn so badly

Also was the statutory dipshit soldier guy, was that Steele's dream? Was he that guy? And they just put Steele's memories in him?

Is it his dick steele has?

gellaho

Unknowable

I'm guessing this is a list of JDs influences. How many of these guys turned out to be assholes?

Science God Q Alchemy

I may be writing a more interesting story than jd masters, only time will tell

I like gibson, was he an asshole?

gellaho

No idea

Science God Q Alchemy

Also I've only heard if three of these guys

gellaho

Borodini also has three other sons besides the pedophile Tommy, but I'm ignoring them because there are less than 50 pages left and I'm guessing they won't be important

Science God Q Alchemy

Probably not, but masters is a bad writer so maybe they'll come in haphazardly at the last minute

His real name was stupid,vwhat was it?

gellaho

Simon Hawke

Science God Q Alchemy

He legally changed it to simon hawke

gellaho

You know what, I'll introduce Paulie because this description is really weird

Science God Q Alchemy

He was born Nicholas Valentin Yermakov, which owns

How much hentai is he looking at in those monitors?

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

:rotating_light: TWINK ALERT :rotating_light:

:rotating_light: TWINK LOCATED :rotating_light:

Science God Q Alchemy

Is japan still around? Hentai? Probably the majority of the population dying didn't seem to have any drastic consequences

gellaho

So, these sons seem to be developing a plan around kidnapping Congressmen

can't say I like that

Science God Q Alchemy

Aged like fine wine

Jd masters, genius

gellaho

With the virus and threats against congress, it's a real escape

Science God Q Alchemy

This was escapism at one point, let that sink in

gellaho

At that point, I think the threat of nuclear annihilation was supposed to be the realistic part

Science God Q Alchemy

Maybe he was like philip k dick, and seeing the future but also crazy

gellaho

Everyone in this book is an asshole

Science God Q Alchemy

Deckard bangs a sixteen year old in do androids dream of electric sheep

Steele is the hero almost by default huh?

gellaho

Ravenna Scarpetti

Everyone's Italian

Science God Q Alchemy

Everyone died, but at least the nightlife is still going

gellaho

Remember earlier today we were talking about the implications of gorillas and race?

Science God Q Alchemy

The black gangster guy reads, and appreciates classics

That was character development in the mind if jd masters, genius

gellaho

Ice was actually one of the better characters in this book, so far he was only in the first 60 pages

I suspect JD doesn't know or care, but how many congressmen are there?

Are they still doing the census?

Science God Q Alchemy

Can ice be the protagonist?

Science God Q Alchemy

It must be super easy

gellaho

I guess dollars are still valuable. The treasury has been destroyed, but whatever

Both of the mints, because they said Denver was leveled too

Science God Q Alchemy

Do you think JD masters, genius, went back and did any kind of editing after writing this?

i bet he wrote all 6 books in one monumental session, and it had to be split it into 6 books

like those million word fanfics

gellaho

I'm surprised this sentence didn't end after the word "fascination"

Science God Q Alchemy

also, i wanted to say one more thing about ice liking classics, whenever they make a character intellectual it's always the shit everyone's heard of, like dickens and shakespeare. want to wow me, do what psychopass the movie did, they had the badass mercenary guy be into post colonial philosophy

not joking that movie is how i heard of frantz fanon because im terrible

gellaho

Apparently Steele can't breathe underwater even though he's a robot

also, he needs to breathe

Science God Q Alchemy

so if were keeping track, stomach, digestive system, lungs and human penis

and face

gellaho

some parts of his skin seem to be human, like a T-800

Science God Q Alchemy

which is weird because his melon got so rattled they threw out his whole brain

gellaho

yeah, it's nonsensical

Steele is: Aquaman

gellaho

Steele: dog-poisoner

Science God Q Alchemy

Glad we introduced the mines, only to immediately mention how they weren't a problem.

love when writers do that

Ferroday, ScapeApe

how very cline-ian: he undercuts his own lame tension

gellaho

Btw, Steele is invading Borodini's compound

It's pretty boring

Science God Q Alchemy

great thing for the climax of an action novel to be

Greg Danang Danar Dono

Who kills dogs? It was already a dart launcher make them tranq darta

gellaho

I guess this is supposed to be what's on the cover?

Science God Q Alchemy

everyone is this novel is deeply unlikeable

god is there anything that tube cant do?

gellaho

Steele: dog-killer

Greg Danang Danar Dono

Quite a brag having a voltmeter in there

Definitely not a $11 buy at Lowes

Like he could have a micro Gas Spectrometer or something dope to detect traces of drugs or explosives in the air

gellaho

For the actual assault, he's just using the Colt .45 his dad used to kill his family and then himself

Science God Q Alchemy

Why would he still have that? and why would he use it in this instance?

you'd think the author would have him use that gun, that has such meaning to him, in a much more impactful final conflict

gellaho

You would think that, wouldn't you

Greg Danang Danar Dono

All I can picture is his dumb hand hanging in his holster all bumping around as he does this shit

Science God Q Alchemy

that mental image made me actually laugh

gellaho

So, there is this guy named Sharp who is taking the money to the pedophile Borodini in exchange for the congressmen while Steele is assaulting the Borodini compound

I'll mention it, but I don't know if it will matter

Science God Q Alchemy

only time will tell

gellaho

Ice and Raven were also supposed to take part in this assault on the compound, but there are only 10 pages left and they haven't done shit

Science God Q Alchemy

see, the fact that these climaxes break off so weirdly is evidence of my one large book theory

gellaho

Well, let's get some more weird race stuff in at the end

Greg Danang Danar Dono

They the "unequipped" hand so front and center on the cover and it's so dumb! Make it fold back like Mega Man or something

Science God Q Alchemy

glad we had time for that

gellaho

This guy is very focused on the peen

Science God Q Alchemy

i feel like we could sketch a psychological profile of this guy from these books

gellaho

Uh

Science God Q Alchemy

wait

Greg Danang Danar Dono

Huh

Science God Q Alchemy

what

Greg Danang Danar Dono

Ok

gellaho

Uh

Greg Danang Danar Dono

I was hoping it would be ninjas

gellaho

You didn't expect father/son incest?

Science God Q Alchemy

Im glad we got to end the book on a high note

Greg Danang Danar Dono

I've been in and out all night... was this a carefully crafted, well earned, twist?

Science God Q Alchemy

take a guess

gellaho

The author mentioned that he looked like a girl earlier

Does that count as foreshadowing?

Greg Danang Danar Dono

Master of words Simon Hawke everbody

Science God Q Alchemy

and that his father had a double standard about him having long hair when he hated on everyone else, but like, incest was not what i assumed

jd masters, genius

gellaho

That was shocking

I

have no words

Science God Q Alchemy

I want these readings to continue but im also honestly afraid of what we'll uncover in the sequels

how much of simon hawkes ass are we willing to see?

gellaho

Ice has disappointed me

Science God Q Alchemy

hurray for the good guys?

Greg Danang Danar Dono

This

Science God Q Alchemy

if you're gonna shoot anyone in the dick, maybe shoot victor?

that might do the most good

gellaho

I didn't mention Rick, the middle son. He seems to be the reasonable one. He killed Tommy (the pedophile)

Greg Danang Danar Dono

Rick sounds pretty chill

Science God Q Alchemy

I like how he made most of the bad guys perverts, some top notch writing

Greg Danang Danar Dono

Just to clarify, this world has wandering zombies called screamers? Is that just something the rarely comes up?

gellaho

Indeed

The Bloodsucker Proxy

all bad guys are rapists ding

Science God Q Alchemy

i think it's come up twice

gellaho

It looks like Raven (22) and Steele (43, robot) are going to be alright

Science God Q Alchemy

I wonder why he had that prologue where like, everybody died if he's not prepared to really explore the consequences of that

gellaho

I'm guessing Raven dies in Killer Steele

Science God Q Alchemy

at least she's over 18

Science God Q Alchemy

that's probably a safe bet

gellaho

Screamers seem to only exist so Steele can have a tragic backstory

I have Killer Steele coming in the mail. Which is terrifying

The Bloodsucker Proxy

Killer Steele is coming for you

Science God Q Alchemy

like it's basically just a slightly shittier america, but if 70% of the population died the world would be all kinds of fucked

we'd be trading cans of baked beans for sex

The Bloodsucker Proxy

way ahead of you on that

gellaho

In other news, I might have a palate cleanser

Science God Q Alchemy

oh fuck yeah

Greg Danang Danar Dono

I respect that the biannual hotdog shipments weren't enough cursed artifacts for you

Science God Q Alchemy

gonna hear the writer of the hardy boys take on rap music

love how the rapper is white

The Bloodsucker Proxy

now I want a book where Nancy Drew becomes a metal singer

gellaho

I haven't gotten my first one yet, so who knows

The Bloodsucker Proxy

Nancy Drew's new single "I Fired and I Missed"

gellaho

I'm just looking to the Hardy Boys Meet Fred Durst

Science God Q Alchemy

those rich white guys, always getting railroaded for crimes they didn't commit

The Bloodsucker Proxy

the Hardy Boys start beef with Eminem

gellaho

You know what, this book is from 1993

Fred Durst might have gotten his look from this book

Science God Q Alchemy

I hope he did

if i ever meet him i'll ask him that. but if i only get one question, it'd just be "Why? why any of this?"