2: Cold Steele J.D. Masters (Simon Hawke)

gellaho

If I met Fred Durst, I would only ask him questions about The Fanatic

Science God Q Alchemy

huh, i hadnt heard of the fanatic

gellaho

This is painfully uncool

The Bloodsucker Proxy

Randy Rand?

I literally cannot think of a real life rapper with a worse name

or even a fictional one

Science God Q Alchemy

It's def supposed to be like, pg eminem

Greg Danang Danar Dono

What are the odds this book contains the line "My name is Randy Rand and I'm here to say"

Science God Q Alchemy

if it doesn't im suing

The Bloodsucker Proxy

it's gonna end with him doing a tribute to the Hardy Boys on stage

gellaho

I hope so

The Bloodsucker Proxy

like when Vanilla Ice rapped about the Ninja Turtles

gellaho

If there are rap lyrics, I want to record my version of them. With my level of skill, I can replicate the intended whiteness

Science God Q Alchemy

do it

The Bloodsucker Proxy

hell yea

Greg Danang Danar Dono

My name is Randy Rand and I'm here to say

My friends the Hardy Boys sure saved the day

They got street smarts and are fast on their feet

When they fight the bad guys they kick with their feet

:musical_note:

The Bloodsucker Proxy

I'm going to record myself singing that in my Fred Durst-iest voice

Science God Q Alchemy

we need to write a rap about steele

Greg Danang Danar Dono

Are you thinking Will Smith exposition rap?

Wild Wild West style?

Science God Q Alchemy

fuck yes

The Bloodsucker Proxy

Cyborg Steele is bringin' the heat

Out on a mission

This ain't no Sesame Street

Science God Q Alchemy

his human dick is mentioned in the chorus

Greg Danang Danar Dono

I'm a cyborg hero but I don't wear a cape

This story has a weird amount of statutory rape

The Bloodsucker Proxy

All you terrorists are shit outta luck

But don't worry, ladies, Steele can still fuck

Science God Q Alchemy

most of the world died, my mom zombified

it doesn't matter that much

The Bloodsucker Proxy

my dad killed himself, I fell down and cried

Science God Q Alchemy

we got into the base, the war finally won

also this dude was fucking his son

Greg Danang Danar Dono

Now the battle is over, after so very long

Have I mentioned that I have a functioning dong?

Science God Q Alchemy

something about neither his dick nor his hands shoot blanks?

Greg Danang Danar Dono

Add a chorus with Ice singing background vocals and we have a banger

The Bloodsucker Proxy

we gotta mention how he's physically incapable of crying now

Science God Q Alchemy

"He's got a functioning dick, and he really wanted me to emphasize this poooooooint"

Science God Q Alchemy

I fucking forgot about that

ha ha

J D masters whole ass

The Bloodsucker Proxy

I'm like baby shampoo, cuz I got no more tears :musical_note:

gellaho

You know, there are 6 more of these books. Now that they've captured the son-fucker Borodini I'm not sure where this goes

Greg Danang Danar Dono

For the music video end with him waking up in bed "It was all a crazy dream!"

And then the camera pans to show a bunch of dead dogs and Steele smirks "or was it?"

Can Steele smirk? Shit

The Bloodsucker Proxy

he just gives the camera a vaguely threatening stare

gellaho

Steele can only laser-smirk

Science God Q Alchemy

we should just turn the events of all six books into one long will smith esque rap song

gellaho

I still can't believe this fucker had the gall to go from gang-violence and post-apocalyptia to pedophilia, gang-rape, and incest

Science God Q Alchemy

who in this discord is musically talented?

Science God Q Alchemy

subject matter he was not even close to capable of handling

im pretty sure simon hawke took some kind of drugs, wrote the whole thing out in a frenzy then when he came too he realized two things, as a writer he can't throw away any idea that might make him even a little bit of money and 2 he should not put his name on any of this

gellaho

I think these first 6 books were one long book he wrote and they split up

Science God Q Alchemy

yeah, i put forth that theory earlier

but now im adding the dimension of him being high and also ashamed

gellaho

I think I realized that about 3/4 of the way through the first book where he was just finished up the backstory

Science God Q Alchemy

do you think he's proud of this series actually?

gellaho

I think he probably wants people to know about his Star Trek books and those wizard books

All the Steele books were released within a year

Science God Q Alchemy

I feel like i can't write a full length novel and this motherfucker is out here wringing 6 book length works out of a single story idea

gellaho

BTW I bought all the Steele books, including the ones by SL Hunter

Science God Q Alchemy

i bet the entire saga of steele could be turned into one single book

gellaho

I also bought the first of Meera Lester's bee murder books. I bought it used, because I ain't giving her any money

Ye Olde Albany Blood Knife

This is almost John Ringo shit

Science God Q Alchemy

does John Ringo have weird sex stuff in his books too?

Ye Olde Albany Blood Knife

Hoo boy

He has an entire series of what he once described as “50 Shades of Guns”

It is some dark soul bearing shit

Like his pure id is on display and it is bad

Science God Q Alchemy

that sounds kind of interesting to read

like not good

just interesting

gellaho

I think I just did that

Ye Olde Albany Blood Knife

It’s a good look inside a right wing wannabe sex offenders brain

gellaho

I also cut out all the gun porn shit, because I think it's pretty boring to read

Ye Olde Albany Blood Knife

Read at your own risk, they suck

Oh Steele and Ringo are brothers in shitty arms

Science God Q Alchemy

what is the book?

Cock Knife Cerril

https://hradzka.livejournal.com/194753.html

books to make my flist's heads explode: John Ringo

Lately, some folks on my f-list have been looking at Lord King Bad profic. brown_betty gave us LEOPARD LORD , and cereta reviewed THE SHEIK , and burger_eater pointed me to Smart Bitches, Trashy Books's take on Shayla Black's DECADENT . These books, it should be admitted, are deeply awful, and as…

Might as well link the original source.

It's (the review, not the book) worth a read, and then another one out loud since once you've read it you have to share it like a cursed VHS tape.

gellaho

That was fun. I'll do the Hardy Boys next week if I can find time to record whatever "rap" is contained within

Greg Danang Danar Dono

Yeah, thanks for this

Good times

Science God Q Alchemy

thanks for putting yourself through this for our amusement @gellaho

gellaho

I live to serve

Ye Olde Albany Blood Knife

And we thank you for it

Old Man Brendan

Disappointed that nobody has yet changed their username to Cool Man Randy Rand

Brockway

I like the idea of Discord live book clubs

It's like a normal book club, but there's only one copy and instead of discussing it, we make fun of it

sensitive New Age jakesy

You can count on it that Victor Borodini is either going to escape or get let off the hook by a corrupt justice system or something

Greg Danang Danar Dono

And then Steele kills him but he comes back as a cyborg

That would be a pretty standard action plot and I'm confident Hawke wrote something that makes way less sense from a plotting standpoint

gellaho

It's going to take some time for me to get passed the out of nowhere incest ending twist

Science God Q Alchemy

I don't know if I'll ever be fully over it

Kind of afraid of what we'll find in the rest of the books

sensitive New Age jakesy

This is a great call, that’s absolutely what’s going to happen

He’s just going to become Steele with an evil mustache

Science God Q Alchemy

Is raven going to die or become a cyborg is my question?

I think he might do the bond girl thing with these books

Cock Knife Cerril

It's worked amazingly well for like six episodes of Behind the Bastards now.

Science God Q Alchemy

Kind of makes me want to find a shitty and very readable book

Ye Olde Albany Blood Knife

Watching the Saga of Steele unfold does make me want to go watch Cyborg

Dunno what that says about me

Brockway

Right but I meant on a bigger scale. Like opening a chatroom and just saying I'm reading this now and you're all going to watch me and make jokes about it. It's fun. I haven't seen it done before.

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

i've seen a few liveblogging channels but this particular variant, being like a garage mst3k, was very fun

Science God Q Alchemy

I love being a part of it

Brockway

Yeah I am positive I'm out of touch with stuff like this, maybe this is what all the kids are doing these days. Just livereading books to each other in huge crowds like a Reading Rainbow utopia

Just wanted to chime in and say I think it's cool. If you want to do stuff like this on the regular just ping me and I'll pin messages or what have you

gellaho

I'll keep that in mind

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

liveblogging is usually like, someone will join a fandom server and they'll be like one chapter in and we'll watch them give live updates on their thoughts as they keepr eading

gellaho

If this is a thing people are doing, then I stumbled into it accidentally. I just couldn't stop sharing that first Steele book