🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ Poll Time 🚨
In order to assert my dominance over technology, I have forced a computer to randomly select three Casefiles. Vote for your favorite by using the matching reaction. Polls close at 5pm.
💣 #25 - The Borderline Case
🏰 #44 - Castle Fear
🏍️ #104 - Wild Wheels
damn, strong options
I do love an attempted murder with a battle axe, even if its just on the cover.
My heart says axe murder, but my hope says problematic foreign country revolution
What is the emoji for Borderline?
It was real hard not to go with 💣
bomb
Yeah, this was a tough one
Damn grey emojis.
We did get a fart cannon in the last South American setting
Have to go bomb just for the problem racism.
Valid
It takes place in Greece. Now who's racist, hmmmmm?
How people are voting against the Hardys with a mortar is beyond me.
Hardys in a boobytrapped castle
From now on im going to have "vote against X with a mortar" in my lingo.
Hold on now, I see no boobytraps.
It's the Hardy Boys, its booby traps all the way down.
I think you guys are sleeping on street bike dirt track, personally
But I don't want to compromise the vote
I'm a bit gun shy of a racing one after the solar car race
I admit, I went with my gut and my gut said "BATTLE AXE!"
It says that alot.
I don't disagree. I would love to hear about why that lady isn't just eating absolute shit.
The Book Cage - Episode 66: The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #44: Castle Fear
The people have spoken, and we will be travelling to jolly ole England for a tale of intrigue and weird ass names. The Hardy Boys travel to help out Jed Shannon, young American so-and-so for...reasons. Beware the double-edged sword, or axe, or whatever this Friday , 5pm eastern. For the Hardy Heads in the audience, this takes place two books after Comic Con, and one book before the local karate class.
Will Frank and Joe have learned that special effects technicians can murder the hell out of people? Or simply learned anything at all?
No
The British don't have our FX technology
How many Callies will the British Isles claim!?
Will there be another implied three way between a European woman, Callie, and a sandwich Frank left on the bedside table?
Callie does not have the Hardy Boys' ability to be simultaneously unknown and popular enough to be flown internationally
So I don't think she'll be coming
Well, that's not new. ZING
Little under an hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #44: Castle of Fear. Here is your preview.
New chapter, first line: "Then, the man got tired."
Let us begin
look out it's chett!
brb....making gen tso tofu
CHETS REVENGE!?
Ah, a fellow connoisseur
I rediscovered after rereading Dead of Night that Joe's blowed up girlfriend was Chet's sister!
Lol I like how the previous owner wrote in a book.
Joe lurking in the murk
You never have a clue, Joe
"Anybody could be lurking" Joe says with an evil grin as he eyes Mary Kelly.
Very confusing way to say 18 and 17
We're getting math problems?
They are boy detectives, not math lads.
Frank creeping
"Because I can't see you, mistake brother"
"It's the last thing some poor idiot is ever going to breathe."
Frank knows the fog hides all sins.
The most unbelievable thing is Joe studying at Oxford
Middle School
Joe needs to be told about scotch eggs.
Hold up, they know the titles of their adventures?
Like scotch eggs fucking own.
That narrator just smashed through the fourth wall like the koolaid man
They're in London because they were in London in the last book. Continuity is against the spirit of the series
Every once in a while the ghostwriters just shove other titles in there
The hell, someone even remembers shit? Cmon, Narrator Man, you are cheating.
"Please read my other books! I can't remember what breakfast tastes like!"
It tastes like scotch eggs if you are lucky.
"We are the only three detectives in the world, after all"
They immediately break out the knives, rubber gloves and rope
Hollywood, South America.
Snack talk interrupted by bullet
What is Fenton's jurisdiction?
Money
It was Britain so that bullet cost like five bucks to smuggle in.
"Oy! You better naught be Hardying on moi property!"
frank was going to finish with 'topping it off with threatening messages left on women's voicemail'.
That starts off good and then gets REALLY good.
Joe runs after the armed assailant. Trips while in pursuit
If only London had a famous detective they could team up with...
Glad you enjoyed it.
Paddington?
Trips on the famously uneven London streets.
I will never get tired of this kind of joke, see how I feel in three hours.
Joe grabs the first body he sees. Bonus: lady
Guesses on hair color?
Hell yeah! Redhead!
"I'd rather you didnt do that." is the most British way to tell your molester to keep their hands to themselves.
☑️ Redhead
I have a guess but I don't like it.
"If you wouldn't mind terribly, could you please unhand my vagina?"
Thank christ she's pretty
For americans, five stone steps are seventy pound steps.
Joe if she was the one who shot at you why would she not just dome you right now?
i mean at this point she can claim self defense.
That famous British icon: Bozo
Joe you have a lot of questions for this random lady you accosted.
"Unless they were foreign, in which case I saw them perfectly"
Who is being very kind by not glassing you.
Or just telling him to fuck off.
"What's your excuse?"
If they were slightly further north Joe would be bleeding out by now.
Mr. Smooth
Joe manages to be nationalist for a country he doesnt live in.
"Oh thank god, someone who speaks English"
Probably because she's trying to call a dog like a cartoon character
Just like Lovecraft and Eliot!
Bozo is a pit bull amped up on military steroids
Joe doesn't believe in dogs.
Oh, I missed misogynist Joe so much. Hello, old friend
ahhhh, we're finally back in our comfort zone
Yeah fired at you with the no gun she had in the country where almost no one has a pistol.
Joe knows that lies start in the ovaries
Women lying to get away from Joe. I feel like I should take a drink when that happens.
I think they are just so used to being shot at when someone throws a rock they just imagine its a bullet.
Joe is a master of deduction
Shark called it
"Well, tell him to cut it out"
"We dont have time to fuck around, Frank. We have a mystery to solve. We have to find out who shot at us!"
This is not what I expected from the London adventure
Did you try telling him you'd rather he didn't do it?
They're getting mugged by Magnum PI
Magnum PI's archnemess
WHO IS GOING TO PULL A GUN IN LONDON?!
DAMMIT
AHAHA
This guy probably has the only gun for miles.
And its a real obvious one too.
It shoots t-shirts
Hawaiian shirts
Try as I might i can't imagine that dialogue spoken with an English accent
"You squares need to loosen up." BANG
Or America after 1935
Or a human.
Shouldn't there be a 'mate' in there somewhere?
"Slam Dancin' in Rio was a brilliant picture! I'll shoot anyones who says otherwise"
Fits in real well if you do a Bogart impression tho.
oh hell, they're being mugged by exposition
Wait........you held up two kids and you're going to take them to the LONDON Metro PD?
My guy................
He's ranting enough that I buy him being sincere about the plan
"A Punk at Oxford will get all the awards, or else I'll shoot the Academy!"
"I TOLD them they needed to get the Sex Pistols for the picture but NOOOOOOOO!"
This is the weirdest way to talk down a gunman
"You twos American kids ain't British punks? You betta not be lyin', or else"
"Why would we lie to you, man threatening us with a gun?"
I hope Berman reacts to every potential scam this way
This guy apparently doesn't get around in London because if there are two teens who look less like London street hoods its the Hardy Boys.
We have to get to work on our next film 'A Punk visits the Farm'
"Bayport sounds pretty dumb, unlike me! I'm the intelligentest. Anybody sayin otherwise is a dead man"
Just then, an actual cop tackles Berman
"Finally got you, you right bastard!"
Kinda seems like it should be called Greaser in Oxford
The famously safe and gun-free streets of America.
"Bop your nose with a rubber hose, Larry-o"
"Jed, you're from Miami and it's the 90s"
The facade breaks quick
Jed watches far too much Happy Days.
oh, Detroit. I was close
It's impossible to picture this scene without a mirror and rolled up Dollar bill sitting on Jed's coffee table.
"At least, they did after I threatened editorial"
This is turning into a Monty Python sketch where everybody's American and thinks everyone else is British.
omigod, yes. We are getting West Side of London Story
FANTEEN is also a really bad Fanta alternative.
"Celeb didn't know what hit em when I showed up to the offices"
Its made by British Nazis.
And this is supposed to lead to a haunted castle, isn't it? We're meeting all the victims!
Berman is a really bad agent and trying not to be.
Everyone knows guns are for negotiations, not introductions
He's also assuming the Hardys read.
"And there was the threatening skywriting, the death telegrams, and the psychic dreams"
"Someone mailed me a severed hand, but it wasn't mine because I still have both hands so I threw it away"
Where the hell are they getting these guns?
Tesco's
"Do I hafta show you what I done to Fanteen?"
Like thats the whole point of at least one British movie, that guns are super hard to get in London.
someone knows the IRA.
Oh wait this is the 90s so they probably dont.
Jed's being targeted by so many international assassins
Or it would be bombings.
"Wait, you shot at us before we met with Jed. Are you psychic?"
"And thanks for the tip about Jillian, we hadn't heard about her"
"Wait, what page of the script are we on?"
"Who the fuck is Jillian, by the way?"
90% of Hardy Boys mysteries are 90% plot-structured similar to 100% of Jerky Boys adventures.
They're being threatened by exposition again.
<sounds of phone changing hands>
"Please disregard everything you just heard. Let's start over."
"Not like Jed Shannon, a very cool name"
"why would we think that's not her real name?"
Why is that your first question, Frank?
He heard that's how humans interact
'did you engage in sexual intercourse, Jed?'
"Nothing formal. Mostly butt stuff."
Joe has a great understanding of what movie stars make
"Everyone knows that people in show business are idiots. That's why they keep making terrible films we pay money to see."
"So, anyway we're in month four of promoting this movie"
"Out of how many movies?"
"Remains of the Day on three screens"
Wow, that title sucks
"So they went with their backup comedy: Equus"
So are we going to write A Punk at Oxford or what?
As long as we have a scene where he elbows an ancient book to find the right page
Is that a PG version of the actual play 'Tis Pity She's a Whore?
"Not like my upstanding guy, Berman"
Berman happily waves gun
"I'm not exaggerating. Getting him to find the receiver alone took hours."
Wake me up when we get to insurance fraud.
IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY!
oh, wait
Frankly I'm surprised we've got this far without Joe getting head trauma.
Frank's inner monolog is very catty
Frank's a total bitch
They politely ignored Jed's erection
Boy he was really paying attention. I couldnt give a description that good of people I'm looking at NOW.
"Gray-green eyes? Like the Hulk?"
"Joe, shut up"
Really needed some quotes or formatting on that last line
"Legitimate threat to follow"
We're working on having that ready by the next time you doofus' fuck up.
"Signed, the RUC."
Seriously think they pull out eight plots and just change scenery at Franklin W. Dixon, Inc.
Honestly, that's more like a public service message than anything
MUST CONSUME
Unfortunately, their only options are British food
scotch. EGGS.
EAT THEM.
I'm now picturing Flippant following them everywhere yelling about scotch eggs whenever there's a moment of silence
ME WANT GIRLS
"I know how much you love degrading women"
How could it have been a bomb when there are no girlfriends this side of the atlantic? Are we meant to believe cars have computers in them??
Master Detective
Sleepy building.
He suspected that because the tattoo parlor was filled with people talking about how poor the agent was
I wonder if this ghost writer got all his sherlock holmes references out of his system in that other book he name dropped.
Ian Fisher-Stone, hard-boiled agent.
He must like snacking almost as much as the Hardys
British Chet?
Chet would have mentioned food by now.
Why don't you leave me out of this
Actually, "Seabright" does sound like a lotion
He's British, you see
"Crikey"
wot wot
Pip pip, cheerio!
Ian's having acid flashbacks
Ian is suddenly back in 'Nam
We don't know that Ian isn't eating a beef pie.
Agent Attack!
This writer writes British people the way I write making fun of British people.
Our heroes
Oh he's going to town on a Cornish pasty.
Agents are responsible for 90% of movie related maulings and beatings.
Frank got his ass-handed to him by a middle-aged, overweight talent agent.
The other 10% are Gary Busey
Secret or otherwise.
Im having to run back and forth a bit and its really not hurting my ability to understand whats going on.
I'm just waiting for the insurance scam.
Those third-floor walk-ups will keep you sprightly.
The ghostwriter thought, are Shannon and Sharon too close? Eh, who cares
John Bull gets wiry when he gets old.
The water on? Not, say, the kettle?
Hellsing taught me that Brits just start using piano wire when they hit 60.
"Me 'usband's inna chair in the den. Don't mind the smell."
Yeah, just wander around her room, strange child
Kindly old British lady, but watch out, she will put the boot in when you are down, Joe.
"I find you repulsive because of your lack of proper male genitals"
And spit on you.
Reading confuses Joe
"Ew this old lady reads the Daily Mail!"