A double-edged sword always cuts close to the heart.
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gellaho
🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ Poll Time 🚨
In order to assert my dominance over technology, I have forced a computer to randomly select three Casefiles. Vote for your favorite by using the matching reaction. Polls close at 5pm.
💣 #25 - The Borderline Case
🏰 #44 - Castle Fear
🏍️ #104 - Wild Wheels
FancyShark
damn, strong options
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I do love an attempted murder with a battle axe, even if its just on the cover.
FancyShark
My heart says axe murder, but my hope says problematic foreign country revolution
Manyxe Cooks to Order
What is the emoji for Borderline?
Chili Con Cookie Javo
It was real hard not to go with 💣
FancyShark
bomb
Yeah, this was a tough one
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Damn grey emojis.
FancyShark
We did get a fart cannon in the last South American setting
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Have to go bomb just for the problem racism.
FancyShark
Valid
gellaho
It takes place in Greece. Now who's racist, hmmmmm?
dr
How people are voting against the Hardys with a mortar is beyond me.
Chili Con Cookie Javo
Hardys in a boobytrapped castle
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
From now on im going to have "vote against X with a mortar" in my lingo.
dr
Hold on now, I see no boobytraps.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It's the Hardy Boys, its booby traps all the way down.
gellaho
I think you guys are sleeping on street bike dirt track, personally
But I don't want to compromise the vote
FancyShark
I'm a bit gun shy of a racing one after the solar car race
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I admit, I went with my gut and my gut said "BATTLE AXE!"
It says that alot.
dr
I don't disagree. I would love to hear about why that lady isn't just eating absolute shit.
gellaho
The Book Cage - Episode 66: The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #44: Castle Fear
The people have spoken, and we will be travelling to jolly ole England for a tale of intrigue and weird ass names. The Hardy Boys travel to help out Jed Shannon, young American so-and-so for...reasons. Beware the double-edged sword, or axe, or whatever this Friday , 5pm eastern. For the Hardy Heads in the audience, this takes place two books after Comic Con, and one book before the local karate class.
gellaho
FancyShark
Will Frank and Joe have learned that special effects technicians can murder the hell out of people? Or simply learned anything at all?
No
gellaho
The British don't have our FX technology
FancyShark
How many Callies will the British Isles claim!?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Will there be another implied three way between a European woman, Callie, and a sandwich Frank left on the bedside table?
gellaho
Callie does not have the Hardy Boys' ability to be simultaneously unknown and popular enough to be flown internationally
So I don't think she'll be coming
FancyShark
Well, that's not new. ZING
gellaho
Little under an hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #44: Castle of Fear. Here is your preview.
FancyShark
New chapter, first line: "Then, the man got tired."
gellaho
Let us begin
Gentleman Brendan
look out it's chett!
brb....making gen tso tofu
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
CHETS REVENGE!?
gellaho
Ah, a fellow connoisseur
FancyShark
I rediscovered after rereading Dead of Night that Joe's blowed up girlfriend was Chet's sister!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Lol I like how the previous owner wrote in a book.
gellaho
Joe lurking in the murk
FancyShark
You never have a clue, Joe
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Anybody could be lurking" Joe says with an evil grin as he eyes Mary Kelly.
gellaho
Very confusing way to say 18 and 17
FancyShark
We're getting math problems?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
They are boy detectives, not math lads.
gellaho
Frank creeping
FancyShark
"Because I can't see you, mistake brother"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"It's the last thing some poor idiot is ever going to breathe."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Frank knows the fog hides all sins.
gellaho
The most unbelievable thing is Joe studying at Oxford
FancyShark
Middle School
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe needs to be told about scotch eggs.
FancyShark
Hold up, they know the titles of their adventures?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Like scotch eggs fucking own.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That narrator just smashed through the fourth wall like the koolaid man
gellaho
They're in London because they were in London in the last book. Continuity is against the spirit of the series
gellaho
Every once in a while the ghostwriters just shove other titles in there
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The hell, someone even remembers shit? Cmon, Narrator Man, you are cheating.
FancyShark
"Please read my other books! I can't remember what breakfast tastes like!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It tastes like scotch eggs if you are lucky.
gellaho
"We are the only three detectives in the world, after all"
gellaho
FancyShark
They immediately break out the knives, rubber gloves and rope
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Hollywood, South America.
gellaho
Snack talk interrupted by bullet
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
What is Fenton's jurisdiction?
FancyShark
Money
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It was Britain so that bullet cost like five bucks to smuggle in.
FancyShark
"Oy! You better naught be Hardying on moi property!"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
frank was going to finish with 'topping it off with threatening messages left on women's voicemail'.
Gentleman Brendan
That starts off good and then gets REALLY good.
gellaho
Joe runs after the armed assailant. Trips while in pursuit
Gentleman Brendan
If only London had a famous detective they could team up with...
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Glad you enjoyed it.
FancyShark
Paddington?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Trips on the famously uneven London streets.
Gentleman Brendan
I will never get tired of this kind of joke, see how I feel in three hours.
gellaho
Joe grabs the first body he sees. Bonus: lady
gellaho
Guesses on hair color?
FancyShark
Hell yeah! Redhead!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"I'd rather you didnt do that." is the most British way to tell your molester to keep their hands to themselves.
gellaho
☑️ Redhead
LyraV
I have a guess but I don't like it.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
"If you wouldn't mind terribly, could you please unhand my vagina?"
FancyShark
Thank christ she's pretty
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
For americans, five stone steps are seventy pound steps.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe if she was the one who shot at you why would she not just dome you right now?
i mean at this point she can claim self defense.
gellaho
That famous British icon: Bozo
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe you have a lot of questions for this random lady you accosted.
FancyShark
"Unless they were foreign, in which case I saw them perfectly"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Who is being very kind by not glassing you.
LyraV
Or just telling him to fuck off.
gellaho
"What's your excuse?"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
If they were slightly further north Joe would be bleeding out by now.
FancyShark
Mr. Smooth
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe manages to be nationalist for a country he doesnt live in.
FancyShark
"Oh thank god, someone who speaks English"
gellaho
Probably because she's trying to call a dog like a cartoon character
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
Just like Lovecraft and Eliot!
FancyShark
Bozo is a pit bull amped up on military steroids
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe doesn't believe in dogs.
gellaho
Oh, I missed misogynist Joe so much. Hello, old friend
FancyShark
ahhhh, we're finally back in our comfort zone
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Yeah fired at you with the no gun she had in the country where almost no one has a pistol.
FancyShark
Joe knows that lies start in the ovaries
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Women lying to get away from Joe. I feel like I should take a drink when that happens.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I think they are just so used to being shot at when someone throws a rock they just imagine its a bullet.
gellaho
Joe is a master of deduction
Gentleman Brendan
Shark called it
FancyShark
"Well, tell him to cut it out"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"We dont have time to fuck around, Frank. We have a mystery to solve. We have to find out who shot at us!"
gellaho
This is not what I expected from the London adventure
Gentleman Brendan
Did you try telling him you'd rather he didn't do it?
FancyShark
They're getting mugged by Magnum PI
Gentleman Brendan
Magnum PI's archnemess
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
WHO IS GOING TO PULL A GUN IN LONDON?!
Gentleman Brendan
DAMMIT
FancyShark
AHAHA
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This guy probably has the only gun for miles.
And its a real obvious one too.
FancyShark
It shoots t-shirts
Gentleman Brendan
Hawaiian shirts
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Try as I might i can't imagine that dialogue spoken with an English accent
FancyShark
"You squares need to loosen up." BANG
Gentleman Brendan
Or America after 1935
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Or a human.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Shouldn't there be a 'mate' in there somewhere?
gellaho
"Slam Dancin' in Rio was a brilliant picture! I'll shoot anyones who says otherwise"
gellaho
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fits in real well if you do a Bogart impression tho.
FancyShark
oh hell, they're being mugged by exposition
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Wait........you held up two kids and you're going to take them to the LONDON Metro PD?
My guy................
FancyShark
He's ranting enough that I buy him being sincere about the plan
gellaho
"A Punk at Oxford will get all the awards, or else I'll shoot the Academy!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"I TOLD them they needed to get the Sex Pistols for the picture but NOOOOOOOO!"
FancyShark
This is the weirdest way to talk down a gunman
gellaho
"You twos American kids ain't British punks? You betta not be lyin', or else"
FancyShark
"Why would we lie to you, man threatening us with a gun?"
I hope Berman reacts to every potential scam this way
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This guy apparently doesn't get around in London because if there are two teens who look less like London street hoods its the Hardy Boys.
LyraV
We have to get to work on our next film 'A Punk visits the Farm'
gellaho
"Bayport sounds pretty dumb, unlike me! I'm the intelligentest. Anybody sayin otherwise is a dead man"
gellaho
FancyShark
Just then, an actual cop tackles Berman
"Finally got you, you right bastard!"
gellaho
Kinda seems like it should be called Greaser in Oxford
LyraV
The famously safe and gun-free streets of America.
FancyShark
"Bop your nose with a rubber hose, Larry-o"
"Jed, you're from Miami and it's the 90s"
gellaho
The facade breaks quick
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Jed watches far too much Happy Days.
FancyShark
oh, Detroit. I was close
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It's impossible to picture this scene without a mirror and rolled up Dollar bill sitting on Jed's coffee table.
gellaho
"At least, they did after I threatened editorial"
Gentleman Brendan
This is turning into a Monty Python sketch where everybody's American and thinks everyone else is British.
FancyShark
omigod, yes. We are getting West Side of London Story
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
FANTEEN is also a really bad Fanta alternative.
gellaho
"Celeb didn't know what hit em when I showed up to the offices"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Its made by British Nazis.
FancyShark
And this is supposed to lead to a haunted castle, isn't it? We're meeting all the victims!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Berman is a really bad agent and trying not to be.
FancyShark
Everyone knows guns are for negotiations, not introductions
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He's also assuming the Hardys read.
gellaho
"And there was the threatening skywriting, the death telegrams, and the psychic dreams"
FancyShark
"Someone mailed me a severed hand, but it wasn't mine because I still have both hands so I threw it away"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Where the hell are they getting these guns?
FancyShark
Tesco's
gellaho
"Do I hafta show you what I done to Fanteen?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Like thats the whole point of at least one British movie, that guns are super hard to get in London.
someone knows the IRA.
Oh wait this is the 90s so they probably dont.
FancyShark
Jed's being targeted by so many international assassins
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Or it would be bombings.
gellaho
"Wait, you shot at us before we met with Jed. Are you psychic?"
gellaho
"And thanks for the tip about Jillian, we hadn't heard about her"
FancyShark
"Wait, what page of the script are we on?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Who the fuck is Jillian, by the way?"
Gentleman Brendan
90% of Hardy Boys mysteries are 90% plot-structured similar to 100% of Jerky Boys adventures.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They're being threatened by exposition again.
FancyShark
<sounds of phone changing hands>
"Please disregard everything you just heard. Let's start over."
gellaho
"Not like Jed Shannon, a very cool name"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"why would we think that's not her real name?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Why is that your first question, Frank?
FancyShark
He heard that's how humans interact
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
'did you engage in sexual intercourse, Jed?'
FancyShark
"Nothing formal. Mostly butt stuff."
gellaho
Joe has a great understanding of what movie stars make
FancyShark
"Everyone knows that people in show business are idiots. That's why they keep making terrible films we pay money to see."
gellaho
"So, anyway we're in month four of promoting this movie"
FancyShark
"Out of how many movies?"
"Remains of the Day on three screens"
gellaho
Wow, that title sucks
FancyShark
"So they went with their backup comedy: Equus"
Gentleman Brendan
So are we going to write A Punk at Oxford or what?
FancyShark
As long as we have a scene where he elbows an ancient book to find the right page
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Is that a PG version of the actual play 'Tis Pity She's a Whore?
gellaho
"Not like my upstanding guy, Berman"
Berman happily waves gun
FancyShark
"I'm not exaggerating. Getting him to find the receiver alone took hours."
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Wake me up when we get to insurance fraud.
FancyShark
IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY!
oh, wait
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Frankly I'm surprised we've got this far without Joe getting head trauma.
gellaho
Frank's inner monolog is very catty
FancyShark
Frank's a total bitch
gellaho
They politely ignored Jed's erection
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Boy he was really paying attention. I couldnt give a description that good of people I'm looking at NOW.
FancyShark
"Gray-green eyes? Like the Hulk?"
"Joe, shut up"
gellaho
Really needed some quotes or formatting on that last line
FancyShark
"Legitimate threat to follow"
LyraV
We're working on having that ready by the next time you doofus' fuck up.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Signed, the RUC."
Gentleman Brendan
Seriously think they pull out eight plots and just change scenery at Franklin W. Dixon, Inc.
FancyShark
Honestly, that's more like a public service message than anything
gellaho
MUST CONSUME
FancyShark
Unfortunately, their only options are British food
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
scotch. EGGS.
EAT THEM.
FancyShark
I'm now picturing Flippant following them everywhere yelling about scotch eggs whenever there's a moment of silence
gellaho
ME WANT GIRLS
FancyShark
"I know how much you love degrading women"
Gentleman Brendan
How could it have been a bomb when there are no girlfriends this side of the atlantic? Are we meant to believe cars have computers in them??
gellaho
Master Detective
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Sleepy building.
FancyShark
He suspected that because the tattoo parlor was filled with people talking about how poor the agent was
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I wonder if this ghost writer got all his sherlock holmes references out of his system in that other book he name dropped.
Gentleman Brendan
Ian Fisher-Stone, hard-boiled agent.
gellaho
He must like snacking almost as much as the Hardys
FancyShark
British Chet?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Chet would have mentioned food by now.
gellaho
Why don't you leave me out of this
FancyShark
Actually, "Seabright" does sound like a lotion
gellaho
He's British, you see
FancyShark
"Crikey"
LyraV
wot wot
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Pip pip, cheerio!
gellaho
Ian's having acid flashbacks
FancyShark
Ian is suddenly back in 'Nam
Gentleman Brendan
We don't know that Ian isn't eating a beef pie.
gellaho
Agent Attack!
Gentleman Brendan
This writer writes British people the way I write making fun of British people.
FancyShark
Our heroes
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Oh he's going to town on a Cornish pasty.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Agents are responsible for 90% of movie related maulings and beatings.
Gentleman Brendan
Frank got his ass-handed to him by a middle-aged, overweight talent agent.
FancyShark
The other 10% are Gary Busey
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Secret or otherwise.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Im having to run back and forth a bit and its really not hurting my ability to understand whats going on.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
I'm just waiting for the insurance scam.
Gentleman Brendan
Those third-floor walk-ups will keep you sprightly.
gellaho
The ghostwriter thought, are Shannon and Sharon too close? Eh, who cares
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
John Bull gets wiry when he gets old.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
The water on? Not, say, the kettle?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Hellsing taught me that Brits just start using piano wire when they hit 60.
FancyShark
"Me 'usband's inna chair in the den. Don't mind the smell."
gellaho
Yeah, just wander around her room, strange child
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Kindly old British lady, but watch out, she will put the boot in when you are down, Joe.
FancyShark
"I find you repulsive because of your lack of proper male genitals"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And spit on you.
gellaho
Reading confuses Joe
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Ew this old lady reads the Daily Mail!"
gellaho
"That landlady also gave me a key"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Oi 'ave a gun. Don't move or you're brown bread."
FancyShark
"I have a gun to you too. You Brits have the funniest greetings!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Now Im imagining all the supporting cast is Yangus.
gellaho
"Excuse me, Auburn. And what about your clearly fictional gun?"
LyraV
Plus its just the most generic thing everyone comes up.
FancyShark
"I live here. Did you let the old woman in?"
LyraV
Unless its Cary Grant and then I'm alright with it.
gellaho
Color me surprised
Gentleman Brendan
Did Joe find her ancient wedding cake yet?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Clever clogs like me go with Scarlet because GI Joe references.
FancyShark
Dammit, Karen! He's a Hardy, not a hair stylist!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Sort of detectives" is a sick burn for the books Token Redhead.
FancyShark
Accurate too
gellaho
Must be some fancypants high school newspaper
FancyShark
The sort-of reporter meets the sort-of detective
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
No, fuck you. Teen Travel Magazine is the bougiest magazine ever.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This ghost writer is terrible at coming up with fake magazine names.
gellaho
Joe's about to give the straight dope about drugs
FancyShark
"Rap with me"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
oh shit Joe did the riker chair mount.
gellaho
We trying to make a word count? Why is this in here
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I wonder how many takes he had to do cos he nutted himself on the chair?
Joe is taking this as evidence dogs arent real.
FancyShark
If Riker was in this scene, Karen would be on her third O already
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"She made that dog up, ergo, all dogs are made up."
Goes on a long rant about breed standards being a conspiracy.
LyraV
She also imagined three monkeys and a wolf
FancyShark
Frank has to read him veterinary reports each night to calm him down
gellaho
"Jillian is also stacked"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
A spider wolf!
FancyShark
"She also looks like she has low self-esteem, the stupid cow"
Gentleman Brendan
I just assumed that's what he meant by healthy.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"As the Brits say, she has a right ol pair of norks."
"Top shelf bangers, you mean?"
Gentleman Brendan
'Ere, 'er dugs is fat wiv babyjuice wot
gellaho
Gonna follow up on this Joe? No, alright.
gellaho
FancyShark
"Okay, my father's a lie too"
"I knew it! Fathers are real either!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
SHUT UP KAREN YOU ARE RICH YOU BOURGEOIS ASS!
You are interning at Teen Travel!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
You write for Teen Travel Magazine, Karen
gellaho
... yes
FancyShark
Karen considers herself "upper middle class"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
SCOTCH EGG! JOE! SCOTCH EGG!
Redheads love scotch eggs.
FancyShark
Flippant, where did you get all that scotch egg merch?
gellaho
A MOST DISAPPOINTING SNACK
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The Hardys experience british food.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
N.....nowhere.
Certainly not Fortnam & Mason's, where they invented the scotch egg in 1851
FancyShark
"It tastes like failure."
"Oh, you got the Deluxe?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
YOU FOOLS YOU ORDERED A BRITBURGER?!
gellaho
"At least I know he wasn't beaten by an older fat man"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Weren't you talking about fish and chips earlier, guys?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
God these two are stupid fucks.
SCOTCH EGG!
FancyShark
Okay, those look mad tasty
gellaho
Frank is unhappy he has not mastered his involuntary body functions
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank, I have mastered not sneezing and it sucks worse than sneezing.
FancyShark
Frank made a mental note to remove his sinuses
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
you do it long enough and you find pain shoots down your arms.
It's like having a heart attack but only a little.
FancyShark
wait, "sneezing isn't smart when you're sick"?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
After examining what came out of him when he sneezed, Frank begins to understand the value of public health care.
gellaho
Frank immediately attacks the first blurry figure he sees
Gentleman Brendan
CT burgers, such as they are a style, are the medium-well on white bread at Louis' Lunch where the hamburger sandwich was invented.
I suppose there's probably some kind of slider "steamed atop onions" aspect kicking around as well.
it's just funny because the brit burger is probably right on meh point.
FancyShark
Karen's really chill about all the assault
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh honey.......maybe you need to get a knife if you're used to being "jumped by men I've never met before."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
She had a real thousand yard stare when she said that.
FancyShark
Knives are for rich girls
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Like you really don't need to put up with that shit, just stab them in the thigh and twist.
That way the wound doesnt close when you remove the blade.
gellaho
"Yes, I am,uh, Emily."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
If you can, try and catch the femoral artery on the inner thigh, and watch their dick wilt as they bleed out.
FancyShark
Wow, the scotch egg literature got dark
gellaho
Bearpit
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Is that some kind of restoration innuendo?
gellaho
LEAVE ME ALONE!
FancyShark
It's okay, gell. You're dear to us
LyraV
Knives don't discriminate against their wielders.
Gentleman Brendan
"More than adequate" is Eton-father for "I love you and am proud of you, my son. Do wait till holidays to visit next year."
gellaho
Beatrix Graill
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Why did they choose the one word to write phoenetically?
FancyShark
"Because she promptly died"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Doesn't plan to leave" means shes mostly nude.
Shes 60.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Okay, that is a name you would have to clarify is real.
gellaho
Of course Frank watches PBS
FancyShark
"Skinemax?"
"Shut up, Joe"
gellaho
"Excuse me, but I need to say and do something ridiculous"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Frank......we don't have a TV? Do we even have a house? I thought we lived in motel rooms with Dad............WAIT!"
"YOU AND DAD WERE HOMELESS GASLIGHTING ME THE WHOLE TIME?!"
Fuck "Nigel Hawkins" is so English it demands walking around diamonds from its African mines.
gellaho
"Unlike these highly lucrative plays"
FancyShark
Nigel Hawkins, British Mimsy of What's All This Then and the House of Why The Very Nerve
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh he's Uwe Boll.
gellaho
We also see each other at the British Awards for the English
gellaho
FancyShark
"No, but he holidays in Ipswich and occasionally in Nottinghamshire"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Anyone who is anyone has an office in London, darling."
gellaho
Oh, no, not Jed. Please no.
Gentleman Brendan
Lynda Carter is 71, and she could chirp me into her dressing room any day of the week.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Hell yeah she could.
FancyShark
Then Joe realizes Jed was never real
Gentleman Brendan
People holiday in Nottinghamshire?
gellaho
"And I blew away six interviewers!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Jed is Joes inner greaser.
Which makes sense because Joe is from 1950.
Gentleman Brendan
Man, if you blow six interviews and don't get at least one job, your blowjobs must be terrible.
FancyShark
heyoooo!
But seriously, Larry, you're bad at this
gellaho
"I usually follow him into the stall"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"This Hawaiian shirt Berman is wearing is ticking strangely."
"I knew I should have let him piss in my mouth like he usually does."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Berman is not painting a flattering picture of himself.
FancyShark
"Last time he went by himself, we ended up having to contact the sewer department to tell us where the plumbing went so we could find him"
gellaho
Bert Dickens
FancyShark
Bert Dickens, Private E-
Wait, he is!
gellaho
THE BURGERS LEFT ME INSATIATE, BROTHER
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
SCOTCH EGGS YOU PROVINCIAL MOTHERFUCKERS!
FancyShark
To their dismay, the restaurant chooses that moment to convert to a Subway
gellaho
Not Bert!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh tell me they stumbled into an IRA bombing!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe is jaded as hell about finding another corpse.
gellaho
Oh, thank God
FancyShark
"Well, I am hungry..."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"He IS pudgy."
gellaho
Bet's just a combination of all the other characters in this book
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Get the knives, brother."
gellaho
Pudgy, redheaded, middle-aged, and mustache
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The ghost writer uses the Word Bank method of writing.
FancyShark
They formed British Secondary Character Voltron!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Getting all the use he can so his word loans don't come due.
gellaho
Only Bert Dickens makes a fool out of Bert Dickens
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also:
Gentleman Brendan
Did we ever find out why Ian tried to blackjack Frank?
FancyShark
Instinct
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Who wouldn't?
gellaho
Bert Dickens Bert Dickens Bert Dickens
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also its how British people say hello to Americans in London.
Dickens. Bert Dickens. Private......eye.
YEE HAW I BET YOU THOUGHT I WAS GONNA SAY PRIVATE DICK DIDNTCHA FELLERS?!
Nope, Ol' Bert Dickens is a man of class.
gellaho
Twas like looking in a blond mirror
FancyShark
Dressed like a WHAAAAT?!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Persuaded how?"
"Well they gave me scotch eggs."
FancyShark
"Mouth stuff"
"You mean food?"
"What'd you think I meant?"
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
he wore clothes sized for smaller people?
gellaho
Smooth
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Also they told me they'd "slit me from crotch to gizzard and dump my carcass in the Thames"
Gentleman Brendan
Alarm bells, maybe.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuck you Joe, you dont even know how to read. You can criticize a man's spelling.
Also they spell color like that over there, you fool.
gellaho
Because they don't do checks for something like that
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Instead of that goddam foot in your mouth, how bout you put a scotch egg in there?
gellaho
"Eh, you look like her. Here's your emeralds"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"What? Photo ID? To claim emeralds? Poppycock, no true Englishwoman would do such a thing."
FancyShark
It's an airtight system
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
yeah as a lawyer who's bad at faces I'm always eyeballing the handoff of precious emeralds
gellaho
If Karen started spelling color with a "u" after a brief visit, she deserves to be made fun of
FancyShark
"Don't forget your complementary map of our hidden missile silos"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Karen is exactly the type to adopt mannerisms and spelling and tell people back home about it.
FancyShark
Well, how else is she going to pass as wealthy?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
She's going to be fucking insufferable back in the offices of Teen Travel Magazine.
gellaho
They didn't have any kind of identification in England until 2005, right?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And probably explain a DUI with "I was in the UK recently."
Gentleman Brendan
I knew a redheaded Karen journalist once. I strongly advise Joe to pursue this avenue.
FancyShark
Joe mansplaining? This author gets it
gellaho
Joe's curse kicks in
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe being barely literate enough to get thru a sheaf of notes really makes it hard to hook up.
FancyShark
Britain takes parking meters seriously
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Finally!
gellaho
By hardball, he means missing completely
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He has to take this opportunity to pretend to be flung on top of her by the explosion so he can tell Frank he got to second base, and Frank will reply "Wait, I thought they didnt play baseball here?"
Also jumping on top of a woman AFTER the bomb goes off is kind of.......not helpful.
FancyShark
Next Joe gets a phone call saying "If you don't back off, we'll blow up your car"
LyraV
He's genuinely surprised she's still alive.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"That one was just a rental. Next time we blow up yours."
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
Little known legal loophole: jumping on top of a woman is perfectly legal if you do it immediately after a nearby explosion
FancyShark
"Scary, right? Anyways, we moved your car one block over. Keys are in the glovebox"
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Yeah uhh, I made it to the second wicket.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe's like 'usually the car explodes after the redhead gets in.'
gellaho
MUST SNACK
FancyShark
Joe is immediately given three pints of bitter from unseen patrons
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
SCOTCH EGGS JOE!
You hungry bitch, eat a scotch egg!
Gentleman Brendan
A burning note fluttered onto Joe's chest.
This time it was a bomb.
Next time it could be a bomb without a note.
LyraV
Scotch Eggs are the champion breakfast when you work at Ren Faire.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also they had soda in the UK in the 90s, Joe.
gellaho
Joe helps an old woman
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You dont need to mansplain it.
gellaho
SURPRISE
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Goddam a MAC-10?!
FancyShark
The ghostwriters know only three guns
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Bold move giving joe the box with the gun first.
FancyShark
MAC-10, Uzi, and revolver
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Well fortunately for the Hardy Boys a MAC-10 isnt going to hit shit.
Gentleman Brendan
Except they called it "Blor-bluzzy-wizzy-bubb!"
gellaho
More evidence of Joe's immortality
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Youd think it being the UK tho it would be a sawn off shotgun.
You can actually FIND one of those sometimes.
FancyShark
Then the train blows up
Gentleman Brendan
I need a Briton here to confirm that England has trains and old women.
FancyShark
They have the queen. So that's one old woman at least
gellaho
Some random surrealism for you
Gentleman Brendan
Sir! She is THE REALM.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Throw Joe From the Train is the less well liked sequel to Throw Momma From the Train.
Gentleman Brendan
Joe ticket.
gellaho
"Joe's missing? Tasty."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
One of these ghostwriters had to have lost their shit and written a cut scene where someone guns down the boys with a submachine gun.
FancyShark
Frank's an expert on no penetration
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"FRANK YOU SLEEPY BITCH!"
gellaho
Frank does not understand these hu-man emotions
FancyShark
"I can just tell"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Karen is awful upset by the guy who grabbed her probably being hucked off a train.
gellaho
That deal Joe made with the devil is still on
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This is textbook Stockholm Syndrome.
gellaho
Immortality for constant explosions
FancyShark
Fucking sweet
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You pay the price in redheads.
Karen isnt going back to Conneticut.
FancyShark
Maybe in a box
or bucket
gellaho
Master of Espionage
FancyShark
The gun was fired by a random Brit that couldn't tolerate the shitty accents
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Nah they'll toss her in a bog for Satan.
gellaho
They specialize in runaway teens
gellaho
Winterbotham
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Newlywed.......teens?!
EWWWWW NO FRANK CANT GET MARRIED!
FancyShark
This scene would be infinitely improved if the guy was Basil Fawlty
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Winterbotham is the British version of Bobson Dugutt.
gellaho
Business and horny, monogamous teens
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
Newlywed teens? I thought this was England, not the American south
Gentleman Brendan
Winterbotham really took that assumption and ran.
FancyShark
"By which I mean the walls are soundproofed and we don't ask questions"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"You'll find us ideally equipped for sex with all kinds of filthy English prostittutes."
"Wait.......ohhhhh you meant the other kind of business......"
"Like the non euphemistic kind."
"We dont serve your types."
"GEDDOUT!"
Gentleman Brendan
Teen marriage is everywhere, the elopement is the mark of civilization. If you live somewhere that your teens have a parent-approved wedding, it's cheaper to buy the camouflage sweatsuit than rent it.
gellaho
Ah, that's right, I forgot what book this was
Gentleman Brendan
Rates are low because we make most of our profit on the backend spy cams.
FancyShark
If you let us film your feet, we'll take 5% off the final bill
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
The nice part about marrying a guy with a camo suit is you don't have to be seen with a guy in a camo suit
Gentleman Brendan
They jumped off the train and into an Agatha Christie novel.
gellaho
Professor Hobart
FancyShark
"He's working on some sort of formula to reanimate dead flesh or open a gateway to another dimension with a book of human skin or something"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Why do they call it that?" "Well it used to have some Gaelic or Welsh name or something English couldnt pronounce so we shortened it."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
'hes turning it into a b&b.'
gellaho
"I, Winterbotham, see nothing wrong with the Professor living in the castle with thugs"
FancyShark
"On account of him being Protestant"
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
he's just running a bodybuilding cult
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
With a side in ghost hunting.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They're not burly lads, they're contractors, fixing all that shit you just listed
gellaho
How dare they?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Those old castles are chock a block with ghosts AND are rarely up to code.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Although some of them may in fact be burly lads
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
One of them may well be a builder named Bob.
FancyShark
The police were so annoyed, they couldn't even bother to plant any evidence
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
do burly lads leave burly ghosts?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Yes.
Gentleman Brendan
Crime? Poppycock! The lad's just a mite lavender, wot wot?
gellaho
The return of the Phantom
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
He's being attacked by a seagull isn't he?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
THey've been fucking around for so long I forgot there was a castle involved at all.
FancyShark
So did the author
LyraV
I forgot about the castle too!
gellaho
Meanwhile, Joe hyperventilates himself
FancyShark
Joe has to remember how breathing works a few times a day
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oooh someone saw The Secretary.
Gentleman Brendan
Most of being a Hardy Boy is just colliding with human beings before you see who it is.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Gonna marry Joe before the Justice of the Peace.
gellaho
"Easy, girl"
Gentleman Brendan
Like they're the whitest people on Earth but if the Hardys told me they didn't see color, I'd buy it, because everyone other than family and redheads is a silhouette to them.
FancyShark
Then the car explodes
Gentleman Brendan
What did the note in the car say? OI THIS ONE'S JUST A CAR
gellaho
Convenient
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also the Hardys are so white they might be legitimately color blind.
FancyShark
And that's how Joe met Herbie the Love Bug
gellaho
You are forgetting Joe's love affair with a South American boy
FancyShark
He was too good for Joe
gellaho
A love that was torn asunder by a fart gun
FancyShark
Tale as old as time
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Aw thats sad, its always such a tragedy when love is destroyed by a fart gun too soon.
FancyShark
He's not joking, either. It was a fart cannon
Used by rebels in a South American revolution
gellaho
Frank left without telling Karen, apparently
Gentleman Brendan
See? No discrimination. Just two silhouettes, tackling each other in the dark.
FancyShark
Young boys always walk to Castle Fear
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Did he bring a blackthorn walking stick tho? You have to do that.
gellaho
JOE MUST EAT. FRANK WHO?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And sing something that includes "Wack-fa-lol-e-ra"
gellaho
I skipped it, but yes
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Rocky Road to Dublin works.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
Lmao
FancyShark
Restaurant sign: "We Don't Have Scotch Eggs"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I mean carrying a blackthorn shillelagh is always a good idea.
Gentleman Brendan
Joe honestly shames Chet but then lets his wounded train-flung brother defend castle fear from the Richie gang.
gellaho
"The cops aren't here. Which is weird, because our rental car fucking exploded"
gellaho
FancyShark
It bears repeating that the first blowed up girlfriend was also Chet's sister
Gentleman Brendan
I love how you're all calling each shot.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe aint storming the castle without a belly full of whatever Brits have for breakfast. Gruel with cabbage.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Jed thought he was fighting a roofer.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Jed's lucky Frank forgot he had a good stout fighting blackthorn.
gellaho
Jed thought they'd ask Jillian nicely
Gentleman Brendan
One bowl of clabbered stirabout later, Joe was right as rain! Strapping and bracing, he strod forth to seek the Giant of Cryhthlathamlmtlahtnhfyllwch
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And is generally incompetent.
FancyShark
"I brought soft-rock and opinions on literature"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Jed has some really lurid ideas about what they plan to make Jillian do and is kinda not cool with how badly he wants to watch.
gellaho
Yeah, that's how it works
Gentleman Brendan
I apologize to the UK on behalf of American youth. We didn't support this book. It was thrust upon us by our elders. It's our Iraq War of literature.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Anything done to England is warranted. Scotland is cool, but only just.
FancyShark
"Bashing your head against a wall until it breaks" is supposed to be metaphorical, Jed
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
yeah fuck england
gellaho
Who would have guessed talking loudly in one place was a bad idea
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
Cultured English booming?
gellaho
I APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING! USA! USA! USA!
FancyShark
COULD IT BE THE MOST BRITISH MAN IN THE WORLD?!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
God yes, British guy. Dont shoot them out in the open, where you wont have to clean it up.
Gentleman Brendan
Sir Eustace Ticklefiddly
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Do it INSIDE so theres forensic evidence.
FancyShark
Lord Havershantamum Constibulary
Gentleman Brendan
If you were 21 and had had a gun pointed at you roughly 500 x 3 times in your life...
gellaho
Even though he could have easily killed them several times over
Gentleman Brendan
Using a German gun. Classic '80s brit.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Okay. So the ghostwriter knows 4 guns.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Excellent film.
FancyShark
Nothing like getting all the way to CASTLE FEAR just to give the final reveal speech
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
villains must use Lugers
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
God a Luger is so old its probably the most unsurprising gun youd see in Britain.
gellaho
Sounds like a Limehouse
FancyShark
"My name is Steve. Please stop talking like that."
gellaho
I hope Joe's OK
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"My grandfather took this Luger from the corpse of an SS officer. Why are you snickering? No I dont think its ironic."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
You have a 50/50 chance of finding one of these and a bloodstained iron cross in any given pensioner's attic
Gentleman Brendan
If James Bond saves them, all of this will have been worth it.
FancyShark
Holy shit, this author must've found a gun catalog
Gentleman Brendan
That's a weird thing for Jed to have heard.
Is Limehouse the Magnum PI guy?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha a Saturday Night Special in 90s Britain.
Gentleman Brendan
Why does he talk like an American?
gellaho
Acting juices
Gentleman Brendan
That was the question I was building towards.
FancyShark
This is the most elaborate PR move by the agent yet
Gentleman Brendan
Joe has never been more erect.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Yessssss woman, you will need your acting juices for the consummation."
Gentleman Brendan
Two guns on him and a redhead in forced proximity.
FancyShark
"Now...explode"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe needs to be put in a wicker man and set on fire.
gellaho
Probably
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
If Joe's not careful he'll spill his acting juices
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh shit and now I'm imagining a Hardy Boys Wicker Man and Hardy Boys Midsomar.
FancyShark
This is Castle Wolfenstein, isn't it?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Damn these movies I just made up are rad.
"Oh......thats no melon rind......" Joe leers.
FancyShark
That's why there's all these weapons
Gentleman Brendan
In Hardy Boys Midsomar those poor villagers realize it was they who took the Hardy bait
FancyShark
Hardy Boys Midsomar would have Joe fall on the rock slab head first and bounce
gellaho
Hey, Jillian. It's been a while
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
.32 is totally a gun the ghostwriter of a Hardy boys book would think is girly.
"Oi, bout toime ya an yer bangers turnt up."
gellaho
Catty Frank is back
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank cannot compute pizza or love.
FancyShark
Frank bets Jed's coat isn't even real leather
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He is Steelhead looking for his Vicenta.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Frank tries to memorize the expression so he can try to mimic it in a mirror later.
gellaho
Limehouse and Rowland, thugs for hire
FancyShark
PRETENDED?!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Man this is a real round about way with a lot of witnesses to get some emeralds.
FancyShark
I thought Ian was onto something with his gun-opened conversations
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Like if Nigel had filmed this he wouldnt need the damn emeralds.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Rowland finds the Hardy disturbingly receptive to her transphobic arguments.
Wait, I forgot it's Rowling isn't it.
FancyShark
heyooo
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That joke makes no sense now.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
No I had the same thought.
Just didnt follow thru.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That was the right move.
gellaho
Ah, yes. Criminalistan, the thief friendliest country on Earth
gellaho
FancyShark
no, random monstrous turns by poorly sketched characters is just as funny
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Argentina, for instance."
gellaho
The country with no extradition and plenty of people to buy Emeralds from you
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Because Rhodesia doesn't exist anymore."
FancyShark
Hawkins would get kandiru-ed on day two
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"I'll be staying at the Musks, helping them with their emerald mine labor problems."
I've seen plans involving clones and cemetery dwarves that were less likely to fail than this
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
These emeralds are so not worth this.
IT's awesome.
gellaho
"Goddammit, Walter, I am explaining my stupid plan"
FancyShark
"How could something have gone wrong?!"
gellaho
What, does she have polio?
gellaho
FDR-looking ass
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Also, Boss.....do you think its a good idea to like........tell these idiots our plan?"
gellaho
She also broke her hand, so the wheelchair is odd
FancyShark
"Yes! I worked hard on this and I want someone to appreciate it!"
gellaho
Unless that's just because she's vaguely "sickly"
FancyShark
"Sickly" means "anemic"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
If I was "Lost in Switzerland and inheriting emeralds" rich, I wouldn't walk either.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
maybe she was put in a coin locker as a baby
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They're in England, I think the ghost writer thinks consumption is still a thing there.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Look, cripples go in wheelchairs, them's the rules.
FancyShark
"I should have given her the plague," the writer lamented.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
just inject her with pure adrenaline or get her a lung transplant in america and she'll walk just fine
gellaho
"Eat swamp, bitch"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Excuse me but its a BOG.
FancyShark
Mud wrestling doesn't really work without pictures
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Get your terminiology right, KAREN.
gellaho
Joe, seen here not denying he's an idiot
FancyShark
"Joe not dumb. Joe stupid, dummy"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Im not so stupid I got captured.........wait!"
gellaho
Well, I guess I'm the asshole
Gentleman Brendan
I think Karen is the real detective here.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh Emily has not heard the right things if shes chill about being near the Hardys.
gellaho
They still using switchboards in England?
FancyShark
That clinches it. The author thinks England is still in the early 1900s
Gentleman Brendan
Joe, look out! There are bombs in the boot and the bonnet!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"The bally gas lamps have gone out!"
FancyShark
"There are boots in the car?"
"NOOOOO!"
gellaho
Ah, the famous Hollywood Black Ops
FancyShark
okay, that's a legit twist
Gentleman Brendan
Jillian starting to rethink her attraction to Douchenozzle.
FancyShark
unless Jed is trying the "I'm too rich to be in danger" tactic
gellaho
Didn't think I'd be seeing the mathematical Union symbol
FancyShark
And we see where the editor stopped caring
"frank"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He's going to unionize silver soup spoons?
gellaho
That filling soup
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Um.......silver spoons bend really easily, so Rowland just ruined an antique for nothing.
FancyShark
"That soup was made of British food. It was poison."
Gentleman Brendan
@gellaho how many times has someone said "bob's your uncle" thus far?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
SERVE THEM SCOTCH EGGS!
GODDAMMIT!
Gentleman Brendan
Every scotch egg I ever had was overboiled. I demand a perfect one.
gellaho
Goose egg, I'm afraid
FancyShark
Impressive
Gentleman Brendan
That's fine as long as it's Scotched
gellaho
Denied secret passage
FancyShark
They open fire
gellaho
What
Gentleman Brendan
We missed a perfect opportunity for the Hardys to team up with The Plucky Lads, two orphans trying to put their pickpocket past behind them by doing some good in the world.
"I'll go an'ave a dekko," said Simon, shortly before a carbomb quite exploded him.
gellaho
"Unless he just decided to kill you. That'd be unfortunate"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
God why has nobody broken Franks jaw yet?
FancyShark
Metal plating
gellaho
Rock, the mightiest weapon
FancyShark
Limehouse immediately surrenders
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joes best fastball isnt better than "Make a guy lose balance"
gellaho
Jesus, that took forever to happen
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Randy Johnson Joe is not.
HAHAHAHA THE COVER PROMISE FULFILLED!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Either that's a tiny axe or that guy is jacked.
FancyShark
It's a hatchet
gellaho
Kick Axe
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"HEEEEEEEE-YAH!"
Gentleman Brendan
WILLIAM KARATE FLIES IN
Manyxe Cooks to Order
KIAI!
FancyShark
Just once, would you pick up the weapon as you flee?
gellaho
Limehouse has entered silent monster mode
LyraV
Axe waving time!
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Why, that'd be quite unsporting!
FancyShark
Limehouse must be trying to shake some juice into the batteries
gellaho
The forest receded from the abandoned castle? Ok
gellaho
Some acting juice
Gentleman Brendan
Woods: famously shorter over time.
FancyShark
There is one beaver that is building an EPIC dam nearby
gellaho
Hmmm, that doesn't work
FancyShark
Somehow this confusion leads to a drowning
gellaho
Just start banging random objects
gellaho
Whose trusty handle? Who knows!
FancyShark
Click everything in the room!
Check your inventory!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
>use handle on knife
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Try combining all your inventory items with each other!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Trusty handle" is what a girlfriend used to call my dick.
gellaho
Let's go out guns blazing
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE HARDY BOYS!
FancyShark
"You couldn't have mentioned that before?"
gellaho
Trusty handle away!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I mean, technically YOU ruined your own plan, Hawkins.
It was stupid anyway.
And I say that in comparison to OTHER plots in Hardy Boys books.
gellaho
Limehouse and Rowland are not interested in helping
FancyShark
And that's why we declared independence from Britain.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You never help a guy named Nigel in a fistfight.
Ever.
gellaho
That is convenient
FancyShark
Ah, the "story's over, get out" police procedure
gellaho
Twilit
Gentleman Brendan
It's funny 'ow you Yanks call them beavers while we call 'em Parson Flapwoodletail, innit?
FancyShark
Joe, Karen's dead
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Maybe this time she will explain to me how peeing on each other makes babies happen?"
gellaho
Other than whatever disease she has
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also EAT A SCOTCH EGG ON YOUR DINNER DATE JOE!
YOU FUCK!
You can eat a hamburger at home!
FancyShark
She collected them after providing three forms of ID
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Find a fucking Scotch egg in your hometown, I DARE YOU!
Gentleman Brendan
I can't even pick MVPs anymore, you just duke it out with Shark and GDC Shark
gellaho
You are in high school, Karen
Gentleman Brendan
"How about a late breakfast?" Karen cocked an eyebrow, because redheads.
FancyShark
Joe stabs her
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"how about a handy on a double decker bus, then?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Oh......Joe. I was trying to let you down easy but no. I hate you, you're a creep and your brother asked me what my hair smells like."
gellaho
The end. I guess. Is the date happening? Who knows
LyraV
Joe she's letting you down gently, take the hint
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe continues to fail to recognize desperate excuses to ghost.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe. I have a book for you by a Mr. Willis Combs.
Stop chasing her, you look pathetic.
GET A GODDAM SCOTCH EGG.
FancyShark
"So who have you been talking to, Joe?"
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles #44: Castle Fear
FancyShark
WOOOO!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank will definitely laugh but wont know why.
FancyShark
Thank you, gellaho!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
We kicked the shit out of this book.
FancyShark
Great riffing, everybody!
gellaho
So concludes the 66th Edition of The Book Cage
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Yeah we spit in its hair too.
LyraV
You're all funny as fuck, thank you @gellaho
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Thanks a bunch @gellaho! Its the highlight of my week.
