gellaho
"That landlady also gave me a key"
68: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #44: Castle Fear Franklin W. Dixon
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A double-edged sword always cuts close to the heart.
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Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Oi 'ave a gun. Don't move or you're brown bread."
FancyShark
"I have a gun to you too. You Brits have the funniest greetings!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Now Im imagining all the supporting cast is Yangus.
gellaho
"Excuse me, Auburn. And what about your clearly fictional gun?"
LyraV
Plus its just the most generic thing everyone comes up.
FancyShark
"I live here. Did you let the old woman in?"
LyraV
Unless its Cary Grant and then I'm alright with it.
gellaho
Color me surprised
Gentleman Brendan
Did Joe find her ancient wedding cake yet?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Clever clogs like me go with Scarlet because GI Joe references.
FancyShark
Dammit, Karen! He's a Hardy, not a hair stylist!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Sort of detectives" is a sick burn for the books Token Redhead.
FancyShark
Accurate too
gellaho
Must be some fancypants high school newspaper
FancyShark
The sort-of reporter meets the sort-of detective
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
No, fuck you. Teen Travel Magazine is the bougiest magazine ever.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This ghost writer is terrible at coming up with fake magazine names.
gellaho
Joe's about to give the straight dope about drugs
FancyShark
"Rap with me"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
oh shit Joe did the riker chair mount.
gellaho
We trying to make a word count? Why is this in here
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I wonder how many takes he had to do cos he nutted himself on the chair?
Joe is taking this as evidence dogs arent real.
FancyShark
If Riker was in this scene, Karen would be on her third O already
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"She made that dog up, ergo, all dogs are made up."
Goes on a long rant about breed standards being a conspiracy.
LyraV
She also imagined three monkeys and a wolf
FancyShark
Frank has to read him veterinary reports each night to calm him down
gellaho
"Jillian is also stacked"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
A spider wolf!
FancyShark
"She also looks like she has low self-esteem, the stupid cow"
Gentleman Brendan
I just assumed that's what he meant by healthy.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"As the Brits say, she has a right ol pair of norks."
"Top shelf bangers, you mean?"
Gentleman Brendan
'Ere, 'er dugs is fat wiv babyjuice wot
gellaho
Gonna follow up on this Joe? No, alright.
gellaho
FancyShark
"Okay, my father's a lie too"
"I knew it! Fathers are real either!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
SHUT UP KAREN YOU ARE RICH YOU BOURGEOIS ASS!
You are interning at Teen Travel!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
You write for Teen Travel Magazine, Karen
gellaho
... yes
FancyShark
Karen considers herself "upper middle class"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
SCOTCH EGG! JOE! SCOTCH EGG!
Redheads love scotch eggs.
FancyShark
Flippant, where did you get all that scotch egg merch?
gellaho
A MOST DISAPPOINTING SNACK
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The Hardys experience british food.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
N.....nowhere.
Certainly not Fortnam & Mason's, where they invented the scotch egg in 1851
FancyShark
"It tastes like failure."
"Oh, you got the Deluxe?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
YOU FOOLS YOU ORDERED A BRITBURGER?!
gellaho
"At least I know he wasn't beaten by an older fat man"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Weren't you talking about fish and chips earlier, guys?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
God these two are stupid fucks.
SCOTCH EGG!
FancyShark
Okay, those look mad tasty
gellaho
Frank is unhappy he has not mastered his involuntary body functions
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank, I have mastered not sneezing and it sucks worse than sneezing.
FancyShark
Frank made a mental note to remove his sinuses
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
you do it long enough and you find pain shoots down your arms.
It's like having a heart attack but only a little.
FancyShark
wait, "sneezing isn't smart when you're sick"?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
After examining what came out of him when he sneezed, Frank begins to understand the value of public health care.
gellaho
Frank immediately attacks the first blurry figure he sees
Gentleman Brendan
CT burgers, such as they are a style, are the medium-well on white bread at Louis' Lunch where the hamburger sandwich was invented.
I suppose there's probably some kind of slider "steamed atop onions" aspect kicking around as well.
it's just funny because the brit burger is probably right on meh point.
FancyShark
Karen's really chill about all the assault
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh honey.......maybe you need to get a knife if you're used to being "jumped by men I've never met before."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
She had a real thousand yard stare when she said that.
FancyShark
Knives are for rich girls
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Like you really don't need to put up with that shit, just stab them in the thigh and twist.
That way the wound doesnt close when you remove the blade.
gellaho
"Yes, I am,uh, Emily."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
If you can, try and catch the femoral artery on the inner thigh, and watch their dick wilt as they bleed out.
FancyShark
Wow, the scotch egg literature got dark
gellaho
Bearpit
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Is that some kind of restoration innuendo?
gellaho
LEAVE ME ALONE!
FancyShark
It's okay, gell. You're dear to us
LyraV
Knives don't discriminate against their wielders.
Gentleman Brendan
"More than adequate" is Eton-father for "I love you and am proud of you, my son. Do wait till holidays to visit next year."
gellaho
Beatrix Graill
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Why did they choose the one word to write phoenetically?
FancyShark
"Because she promptly died"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Doesn't plan to leave" means shes mostly nude.
Shes 60.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Okay, that is a name you would have to clarify is real.
gellaho
Of course Frank watches PBS
FancyShark
"Skinemax?"
"Shut up, Joe"
gellaho
"Excuse me, but I need to say and do something ridiculous"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Frank......we don't have a TV? Do we even have a house? I thought we lived in motel rooms with Dad............WAIT!"
"YOU AND DAD WERE HOMELESS GASLIGHTING ME THE WHOLE TIME?!"
Fuck "Nigel Hawkins" is so English it demands walking around diamonds from its African mines.
gellaho
"Unlike these highly lucrative plays"
FancyShark
Nigel Hawkins, British Mimsy of What's All This Then and the House of Why The Very Nerve
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh he's Uwe Boll.
gellaho
We also see each other at the British Awards for the English
gellaho
FancyShark
"No, but he holidays in Ipswich and occasionally in Nottinghamshire"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Anyone who is anyone has an office in London, darling."
gellaho
Oh, no, not Jed. Please no.
Gentleman Brendan
Lynda Carter is 71, and she could chirp me into her dressing room any day of the week.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Hell yeah she could.
FancyShark
Then Joe realizes Jed was never real
Gentleman Brendan
People holiday in Nottinghamshire?
gellaho
"And I blew away six interviewers!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Jed is Joes inner greaser.
Which makes sense because Joe is from 1950.
Gentleman Brendan
Man, if you blow six interviews and don't get at least one job, your blowjobs must be terrible.
FancyShark
heyoooo!
But seriously, Larry, you're bad at this
gellaho
"I usually follow him into the stall"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"This Hawaiian shirt Berman is wearing is ticking strangely."
"I knew I should have let him piss in my mouth like he usually does."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Berman is not painting a flattering picture of himself.
FancyShark
"Last time he went by himself, we ended up having to contact the sewer department to tell us where the plumbing went so we could find him"
gellaho
Bert Dickens
FancyShark
Bert Dickens, Private E-
Wait, he is!
gellaho
THE BURGERS LEFT ME INSATIATE, BROTHER
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
SCOTCH EGGS YOU PROVINCIAL MOTHERFUCKERS!
FancyShark
To their dismay, the restaurant chooses that moment to convert to a Subway
gellaho
Not Bert!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh tell me they stumbled into an IRA bombing!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe is jaded as hell about finding another corpse.
gellaho
Oh, thank God
FancyShark
"Well, I am hungry..."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"He IS pudgy."
gellaho
Bet's just a combination of all the other characters in this book
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Get the knives, brother."
gellaho
Pudgy, redheaded, middle-aged, and mustache
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The ghost writer uses the Word Bank method of writing.
FancyShark
They formed British Secondary Character Voltron!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Getting all the use he can so his word loans don't come due.
gellaho
Only Bert Dickens makes a fool out of Bert Dickens
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also:
Gentleman Brendan
Did we ever find out why Ian tried to blackjack Frank?
FancyShark
Instinct
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Who wouldn't?
gellaho
Bert Dickens Bert Dickens Bert Dickens
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also its how British people say hello to Americans in London.
Dickens. Bert Dickens. Private......eye.
YEE HAW I BET YOU THOUGHT I WAS GONNA SAY PRIVATE DICK DIDNTCHA FELLERS?!
Nope, Ol' Bert Dickens is a man of class.
gellaho
Twas like looking in a blond mirror
FancyShark
Dressed like a WHAAAAT?!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Persuaded how?"
"Well they gave me scotch eggs."
FancyShark
"Mouth stuff"
"You mean food?"
"What'd you think I meant?"
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
he wore clothes sized for smaller people?
gellaho
Smooth
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Also they told me they'd "slit me from crotch to gizzard and dump my carcass in the Thames"
Gentleman Brendan
Alarm bells, maybe.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuck you Joe, you dont even know how to read. You can criticize a man's spelling.
Also they spell color like that over there, you fool.
gellaho
Because they don't do checks for something like that
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Instead of that goddam foot in your mouth, how bout you put a scotch egg in there?
gellaho
"Eh, you look like her. Here's your emeralds"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"What? Photo ID? To claim emeralds? Poppycock, no true Englishwoman would do such a thing."
FancyShark
It's an airtight system
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
yeah as a lawyer who's bad at faces I'm always eyeballing the handoff of precious emeralds
gellaho
If Karen started spelling color with a "u" after a brief visit, she deserves to be made fun of
FancyShark
"Don't forget your complementary map of our hidden missile silos"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Karen is exactly the type to adopt mannerisms and spelling and tell people back home about it.
FancyShark
Well, how else is she going to pass as wealthy?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
She's going to be fucking insufferable back in the offices of Teen Travel Magazine.
gellaho
They didn't have any kind of identification in England until 2005, right?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And probably explain a DUI with "I was in the UK recently."
Gentleman Brendan
I knew a redheaded Karen journalist once. I strongly advise Joe to pursue this avenue.
FancyShark
Joe mansplaining? This author gets it
gellaho
Joe's curse kicks in
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe being barely literate enough to get thru a sheaf of notes really makes it hard to hook up.
FancyShark
Britain takes parking meters seriously
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Finally!
gellaho
By hardball, he means missing completely
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He has to take this opportunity to pretend to be flung on top of her by the explosion so he can tell Frank he got to second base, and Frank will reply "Wait, I thought they didnt play baseball here?"
Also jumping on top of a woman AFTER the bomb goes off is kind of.......not helpful.
FancyShark
Next Joe gets a phone call saying "If you don't back off, we'll blow up your car"
LyraV
He's genuinely surprised she's still alive.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"That one was just a rental. Next time we blow up yours."
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
Little known legal loophole: jumping on top of a woman is perfectly legal if you do it immediately after a nearby explosion
FancyShark
"Scary, right? Anyways, we moved your car one block over. Keys are in the glovebox"
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Yeah uhh, I made it to the second wicket.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe's like 'usually the car explodes after the redhead gets in.'
gellaho
MUST SNACK
FancyShark
Joe is immediately given three pints of bitter from unseen patrons
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
SCOTCH EGGS JOE!
You hungry bitch, eat a scotch egg!
Gentleman Brendan
A burning note fluttered onto Joe's chest.
This time it was a bomb.
Next time it could be a bomb without a note.
LyraV
Scotch Eggs are the champion breakfast when you work at Ren Faire.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also they had soda in the UK in the 90s, Joe.
gellaho
Joe helps an old woman
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You dont need to mansplain it.
gellaho
SURPRISE
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Goddam a MAC-10?!
FancyShark
The ghostwriters know only three guns
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Bold move giving joe the box with the gun first.
FancyShark
MAC-10, Uzi, and revolver
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Well fortunately for the Hardy Boys a MAC-10 isnt going to hit shit.
Gentleman Brendan
Except they called it "Blor-bluzzy-wizzy-bubb!"
gellaho
More evidence of Joe's immortality
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Youd think it being the UK tho it would be a sawn off shotgun.
You can actually FIND one of those sometimes.
FancyShark
Then the train blows up
Gentleman Brendan
I need a Briton here to confirm that England has trains and old women.
FancyShark
They have the queen. So that's one old woman at least
gellaho
Some random surrealism for you
Gentleman Brendan
Sir! She is THE REALM.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Throw Joe From the Train is the less well liked sequel to Throw Momma From the Train.
Gentleman Brendan
Joe ticket.
gellaho
"Joe's missing? Tasty."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
One of these ghostwriters had to have lost their shit and written a cut scene where someone guns down the boys with a submachine gun.
FancyShark
Frank's an expert on no penetration
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"FRANK YOU SLEEPY BITCH!"
gellaho
Frank does not understand these hu-man emotions
FancyShark
"I can just tell"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Karen is awful upset by the guy who grabbed her probably being hucked off a train.
gellaho
That deal Joe made with the devil is still on
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This is textbook Stockholm Syndrome.
gellaho
Immortality for constant explosions
FancyShark
Fucking sweet
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You pay the price in redheads.
Karen isnt going back to Conneticut.
FancyShark
Maybe in a box
or bucket
gellaho
Master of Espionage
FancyShark
The gun was fired by a random Brit that couldn't tolerate the shitty accents
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Nah they'll toss her in a bog for Satan.
gellaho
They specialize in runaway teens
gellaho
Winterbotham
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Newlywed.......teens?!
EWWWWW NO FRANK CANT GET MARRIED!
FancyShark
This scene would be infinitely improved if the guy was Basil Fawlty
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Winterbotham is the British version of Bobson Dugutt.
gellaho
Business and horny, monogamous teens
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
Newlywed teens? I thought this was England, not the American south
Gentleman Brendan
Winterbotham really took that assumption and ran.
FancyShark
"By which I mean the walls are soundproofed and we don't ask questions"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"You'll find us ideally equipped for sex with all kinds of filthy English prostittutes."
"Wait.......ohhhhh you meant the other kind of business......"
"Like the non euphemistic kind."
"We dont serve your types."
"GEDDOUT!"
Gentleman Brendan
Teen marriage is everywhere, the elopement is the mark of civilization. If you live somewhere that your teens have a parent-approved wedding, it's cheaper to buy the camouflage sweatsuit than rent it.
gellaho
Ah, that's right, I forgot what book this was
Gentleman Brendan
Rates are low because we make most of our profit on the backend spy cams.
FancyShark
If you let us film your feet, we'll take 5% off the final bill
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
The nice part about marrying a guy with a camo suit is you don't have to be seen with a guy in a camo suit
Gentleman Brendan
They jumped off the train and into an Agatha Christie novel.
gellaho
Professor Hobart
FancyShark
"He's working on some sort of formula to reanimate dead flesh or open a gateway to another dimension with a book of human skin or something"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Why do they call it that?" "Well it used to have some Gaelic or Welsh name or something English couldnt pronounce so we shortened it."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
'hes turning it into a b&b.'
gellaho
"I, Winterbotham, see nothing wrong with the Professor living in the castle with thugs"
FancyShark
"On account of him being Protestant"
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
he's just running a bodybuilding cult
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
With a side in ghost hunting.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They're not burly lads, they're contractors, fixing all that shit you just listed
gellaho
How dare they?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Those old castles are chock a block with ghosts AND are rarely up to code.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Although some of them may in fact be burly lads
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
One of them may well be a builder named Bob.
FancyShark
The police were so annoyed, they couldn't even bother to plant any evidence
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
do burly lads leave burly ghosts?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Yes.
Gentleman Brendan
Crime? Poppycock! The lad's just a mite lavender, wot wot?
gellaho
The return of the Phantom
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
He's being attacked by a seagull isn't he?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
THey've been fucking around for so long I forgot there was a castle involved at all.
FancyShark
So did the author
LyraV
I forgot about the castle too!
gellaho
Meanwhile, Joe hyperventilates himself
FancyShark
Joe has to remember how breathing works a few times a day
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oooh someone saw The Secretary.
Gentleman Brendan
Most of being a Hardy Boy is just colliding with human beings before you see who it is.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Gonna marry Joe before the Justice of the Peace.
gellaho
"Easy, girl"
Gentleman Brendan
Like they're the whitest people on Earth but if the Hardys told me they didn't see color, I'd buy it, because everyone other than family and redheads is a silhouette to them.
FancyShark
Then the car explodes
Gentleman Brendan
What did the note in the car say? OI THIS ONE'S JUST A CAR