68: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #44: Castle Fear Franklin W. Dixon

gellaho

Convenient

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also the Hardys are so white they might be legitimately color blind.

FancyShark

And that's how Joe met Herbie the Love Bug

gellaho

You are forgetting Joe's love affair with a South American boy

FancyShark

He was too good for Joe

gellaho

A love that was torn asunder by a fart gun

FancyShark

Tale as old as time

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Aw thats sad, its always such a tragedy when love is destroyed by a fart gun too soon.

FancyShark

He's not joking, either. It was a fart cannon

Used by rebels in a South American revolution

gellaho

Frank left without telling Karen, apparently

Gentleman Brendan

See? No discrimination. Just two silhouettes, tackling each other in the dark.

FancyShark

Young boys always walk to Castle Fear

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Did he bring a blackthorn walking stick tho? You have to do that.

gellaho

JOE MUST EAT. FRANK WHO?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

And sing something that includes "Wack-fa-lol-e-ra"

gellaho

I skipped it, but yes

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Rocky Road to Dublin works.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

Lmao

FancyShark

Restaurant sign: "We Don't Have Scotch Eggs"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

I mean carrying a blackthorn shillelagh is always a good idea.

Gentleman Brendan

Joe honestly shames Chet but then lets his wounded train-flung brother defend castle fear from the Richie gang.

gellaho

"The cops aren't here. Which is weird, because our rental car fucking exploded"

gellaho

FancyShark

It bears repeating that the first blowed up girlfriend was also Chet's sister

Gentleman Brendan

I love how you're all calling each shot.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe aint storming the castle without a belly full of whatever Brits have for breakfast. Gruel with cabbage.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Jed thought he was fighting a roofer.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Jed's lucky Frank forgot he had a good stout fighting blackthorn.

gellaho

Jed thought they'd ask Jillian nicely

Gentleman Brendan

One bowl of clabbered stirabout later, Joe was right as rain! Strapping and bracing, he strod forth to seek the Giant of Cryhthlathamlmtlahtnhfyllwch

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

And is generally incompetent.

FancyShark

"I brought soft-rock and opinions on literature"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Jed has some really lurid ideas about what they plan to make Jillian do and is kinda not cool with how badly he wants to watch.

gellaho

Yeah, that's how it works

Gentleman Brendan

I apologize to the UK on behalf of American youth. We didn't support this book. It was thrust upon us by our elders. It's our Iraq War of literature.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Anything done to England is warranted. Scotland is cool, but only just.

FancyShark

"Bashing your head against a wall until it breaks" is supposed to be metaphorical, Jed

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

yeah fuck england

gellaho

Who would have guessed talking loudly in one place was a bad idea

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

Cultured English booming?

gellaho

I APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING! USA! USA! USA!

FancyShark

COULD IT BE THE MOST BRITISH MAN IN THE WORLD?!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

God yes, British guy. Dont shoot them out in the open, where you wont have to clean it up.

Gentleman Brendan

Sir Eustace Ticklefiddly

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Do it INSIDE so theres forensic evidence.

FancyShark

Lord Havershantamum Constibulary

Gentleman Brendan

If you were 21 and had had a gun pointed at you roughly 500 x 3 times in your life...

gellaho

Even though he could have easily killed them several times over

Gentleman Brendan

Using a German gun. Classic '80s brit.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Okay. So the ghostwriter knows 4 guns.

Manyxe Cooks to Order

Excellent film.

FancyShark

Nothing like getting all the way to CASTLE FEAR just to give the final reveal speech

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

villains must use Lugers

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

God a Luger is so old its probably the most unsurprising gun youd see in Britain.

gellaho

Sounds like a Limehouse

FancyShark

"My name is Steve. Please stop talking like that."

gellaho

I hope Joe's OK

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"My grandfather took this Luger from the corpse of an SS officer. Why are you snickering? No I dont think its ironic."

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

You have a 50/50 chance of finding one of these and a bloodstained iron cross in any given pensioner's attic

Gentleman Brendan

If James Bond saves them, all of this will have been worth it.

FancyShark

Holy shit, this author must've found a gun catalog

Gentleman Brendan

That's a weird thing for Jed to have heard.

Is Limehouse the Magnum PI guy?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha a Saturday Night Special in 90s Britain.

Gentleman Brendan

Why does he talk like an American?

gellaho

Acting juices

Gentleman Brendan

That was the question I was building towards.

FancyShark

This is the most elaborate PR move by the agent yet

Gentleman Brendan

Joe has never been more erect.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Yessssss woman, you will need your acting juices for the consummation."

Gentleman Brendan

Two guns on him and a redhead in forced proximity.

FancyShark

"Now...explode"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe needs to be put in a wicker man and set on fire.

gellaho

Probably

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

If Joe's not careful he'll spill his acting juices

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Oh shit and now I'm imagining a Hardy Boys Wicker Man and Hardy Boys Midsomar.

FancyShark

This is Castle Wolfenstein, isn't it?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Damn these movies I just made up are rad.

"Oh......thats no melon rind......" Joe leers.

FancyShark

That's why there's all these weapons

Gentleman Brendan

In Hardy Boys Midsomar those poor villagers realize it was they who took the Hardy bait

FancyShark

Hardy Boys Midsomar would have Joe fall on the rock slab head first and bounce

gellaho

Hey, Jillian. It's been a while

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

.32 is totally a gun the ghostwriter of a Hardy boys book would think is girly.

"Oi, bout toime ya an yer bangers turnt up."

gellaho

Catty Frank is back

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Frank cannot compute pizza or love.

FancyShark

Frank bets Jed's coat isn't even real leather

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

He is Steelhead looking for his Vicenta.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Frank tries to memorize the expression so he can try to mimic it in a mirror later.

gellaho

Limehouse and Rowland, thugs for hire

FancyShark

PRETENDED?!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Man this is a real round about way with a lot of witnesses to get some emeralds.

FancyShark

I thought Ian was onto something with his gun-opened conversations

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Like if Nigel had filmed this he wouldnt need the damn emeralds.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Rowland finds the Hardy disturbingly receptive to her transphobic arguments.

Wait, I forgot it's Rowling isn't it.

FancyShark

heyooo

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

That joke makes no sense now.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

No I had the same thought.

Just didnt follow thru.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

That was the right move.

gellaho

Ah, yes. Criminalistan, the thief friendliest country on Earth

gellaho

FancyShark

no, random monstrous turns by poorly sketched characters is just as funny

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Argentina, for instance."

gellaho

The country with no extradition and plenty of people to buy Emeralds from you

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Because Rhodesia doesn't exist anymore."

FancyShark

Hawkins would get kandiru-ed on day two

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

"I'll be staying at the Musks, helping them with their emerald mine labor problems."

gellaho

Jillian missed about 90 red flags

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Oh Jillian got Roger Cormaned.

Poor girl.

Got her tits out for nothing.

FancyShark

Jillian, did the lack of cameras mean nothing?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"I just thought it was avant guard!"

gellaho

"She lacked fingerprints. Weird, right? Also, what's ID?"

FancyShark

I've seen plans involving clones and cemetery dwarves that were less likely to fail than this

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

These emeralds are so not worth this.

IT's awesome.

gellaho

"Goddammit, Walter, I am explaining my stupid plan"

FancyShark

"How could something have gone wrong?!"

gellaho

What, does she have polio?

gellaho

FDR-looking ass

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Also, Boss.....do you think its a good idea to like........tell these idiots our plan?"

gellaho

She also broke her hand, so the wheelchair is odd

FancyShark

"Yes! I worked hard on this and I want someone to appreciate it!"

gellaho

Unless that's just because she's vaguely "sickly"

FancyShark

"Sickly" means "anemic"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

If I was "Lost in Switzerland and inheriting emeralds" rich, I wouldn't walk either.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

maybe she was put in a coin locker as a baby

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

They're in England, I think the ghost writer thinks consumption is still a thing there.

Manyxe Cooks to Order

Look, cripples go in wheelchairs, them's the rules.

FancyShark

"I should have given her the plague," the writer lamented.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

just inject her with pure adrenaline or get her a lung transplant in america and she'll walk just fine

gellaho

"Eat swamp, bitch"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Excuse me but its a BOG.

FancyShark

Mud wrestling doesn't really work without pictures

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Get your terminiology right, KAREN.

gellaho

Joe, seen here not denying he's an idiot

FancyShark

"Joe not dumb. Joe stupid, dummy"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Im not so stupid I got captured.........wait!"

gellaho

Well, I guess I'm the asshole

Gentleman Brendan

I think Karen is the real detective here.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Oh Emily has not heard the right things if shes chill about being near the Hardys.

gellaho

They still using switchboards in England?

FancyShark

That clinches it. The author thinks England is still in the early 1900s

Gentleman Brendan

Joe, look out! There are bombs in the boot and the bonnet!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"The bally gas lamps have gone out!"

FancyShark

"There are boots in the car?"

"NOOOOO!"

gellaho

Ah, the famous Hollywood Black Ops

FancyShark

okay, that's a legit twist

Gentleman Brendan

Jillian starting to rethink her attraction to Douchenozzle.

FancyShark

unless Jed is trying the "I'm too rich to be in danger" tactic

gellaho

Didn't think I'd be seeing the mathematical Union symbol

FancyShark

And we see where the editor stopped caring

"frank"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

He's going to unionize silver soup spoons?

gellaho

That filling soup

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Um.......silver spoons bend really easily, so Rowland just ruined an antique for nothing.

FancyShark

"That soup was made of British food. It was poison."

Gentleman Brendan

@gellaho how many times has someone said "bob's your uncle" thus far?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

SERVE THEM SCOTCH EGGS!

GODDAMMIT!

Gentleman Brendan

Every scotch egg I ever had was overboiled. I demand a perfect one.

gellaho

Goose egg, I'm afraid

FancyShark

Impressive

Gentleman Brendan

That's fine as long as it's Scotched

gellaho

Denied secret passage

FancyShark

They open fire

gellaho

What

Gentleman Brendan

We missed a perfect opportunity for the Hardys to team up with The Plucky Lads, two orphans trying to put their pickpocket past behind them by doing some good in the world.

"I'll go an'ave a dekko," said Simon, shortly before a carbomb quite exploded him.

gellaho

"Unless he just decided to kill you. That'd be unfortunate"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

God why has nobody broken Franks jaw yet?

FancyShark

Metal plating

gellaho

Rock, the mightiest weapon

FancyShark

Limehouse immediately surrenders

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joes best fastball isnt better than "Make a guy lose balance"

gellaho

Jesus, that took forever to happen

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Randy Johnson Joe is not.

HAHAHAHA THE COVER PROMISE FULFILLED!

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Either that's a tiny axe or that guy is jacked.

FancyShark

It's a hatchet

gellaho

Kick Axe

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"HEEEEEEEE-YAH!"

Gentleman Brendan

WILLIAM KARATE FLIES IN

Manyxe Cooks to Order

KIAI!

FancyShark

Just once, would you pick up the weapon as you flee?

gellaho

Limehouse has entered silent monster mode

LyraV

Axe waving time!

Manyxe Cooks to Order

Why, that'd be quite unsporting!

FancyShark

Limehouse must be trying to shake some juice into the batteries

gellaho

The forest receded from the abandoned castle? Ok

gellaho

Some acting juice

Gentleman Brendan

Woods: famously shorter over time.

FancyShark

There is one beaver that is building an EPIC dam nearby

gellaho

Hmmm, that doesn't work

FancyShark

Somehow this confusion leads to a drowning

gellaho

Just start banging random objects

gellaho

Whose trusty handle? Who knows!

FancyShark

Click everything in the room!

Check your inventory!

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

>use handle on knife

Manyxe Cooks to Order

Try combining all your inventory items with each other!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Trusty handle" is what a girlfriend used to call my dick.

gellaho

Let's go out guns blazing

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE HARDY BOYS!

FancyShark

"You couldn't have mentioned that before?"

gellaho

Trusty handle away!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

I mean, technically YOU ruined your own plan, Hawkins.

It was stupid anyway.

And I say that in comparison to OTHER plots in Hardy Boys books.

gellaho

Limehouse and Rowland are not interested in helping

FancyShark

And that's why we declared independence from Britain.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

You never help a guy named Nigel in a fistfight.

Ever.

gellaho

That is convenient

FancyShark

Ah, the "story's over, get out" police procedure

gellaho

Twilit

Gentleman Brendan

It's funny 'ow you Yanks call them beavers while we call 'em Parson Flapwoodletail, innit?

FancyShark

Joe, Karen's dead

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Maybe this time she will explain to me how peeing on each other makes babies happen?"

gellaho

Other than whatever disease she has

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also EAT A SCOTCH EGG ON YOUR DINNER DATE JOE!

YOU FUCK!

You can eat a hamburger at home!

FancyShark

She collected them after providing three forms of ID

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Find a fucking Scotch egg in your hometown, I DARE YOU!

Gentleman Brendan

I can't even pick MVPs anymore, you just duke it out with Shark and GDC Shark

gellaho

You are in high school, Karen

Gentleman Brendan

"How about a late breakfast?" Karen cocked an eyebrow, because redheads.

FancyShark

Joe stabs her

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

"how about a handy on a double decker bus, then?"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Oh......Joe. I was trying to let you down easy but no. I hate you, you're a creep and your brother asked me what my hair smells like."

gellaho

The end. I guess. Is the date happening? Who knows

LyraV

Joe she's letting you down gently, take the hint

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Joe continues to fail to recognize desperate excuses to ghost.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe. I have a book for you by a Mr. Willis Combs.

Stop chasing her, you look pathetic.

GET A GODDAM SCOTCH EGG.

FancyShark

"So who have you been talking to, Joe?"

gellaho

We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles #44: Castle Fear

FancyShark

WOOOO!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Frank will definitely laugh but wont know why.

FancyShark

Thank you, gellaho!

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

We kicked the shit out of this book.

FancyShark

Great riffing, everybody!

gellaho

So concludes the 66th Edition of The Book Cage

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Yeah we spit in its hair too.

LyraV

You're all funny as fuck, thank you @gellaho

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Thanks a bunch @gellaho! Its the highlight of my week.

gellaho

De nada

FancyShark

Hell yes

Favorite part of every Friday

Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe

Hey guys, what's go- oh.

FancyShark

Hi, @Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe !

Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe

One of these days I'll make a book cage

Gentleman Brendan

Scotch eggs never reject you.

Cheers, @gellaho you are the best