It's time for Ladies' Month in the Book Cage! For the next month plus, we'll be reading books by female authors. Or in this case, possibly female ghostwriters. We'll be starting with the counterpart to The Hardy Boys Casefiles, The Nancy Drew Files (tm) #79: No Laughing Matter. Get ready for intrigue and bad jokes at the Over the Rainbow comedy club. Are they doing it for the insurance money? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
@Brockway Pin this or you won't get any...pretzels? Werther's Originals? I'm not sure what Nancy's got there, but you won't be getting any.
Wait a sec, I thought you were reading this book last week?
I don't know what she's got but I know what he's got and I know that I want it.
He's got a sports jacket, turtleneck, belt buckle and blue jeans. Classic comedian
I'm not complaining. It means I get to be here for the reading. Just confused
I got a little busy with things last week
ahh
Well, cool then!
This Nancy Drew reading is perfectly timed for the Hardy Boys season finale right after. It's the Nancy Drew crossover episode.
'90s standup without a brick wall? I think I found the GULPrit!
You're not a comedian until you roll up the sports jacket sleeves. Also, where are his white basketball shoes? He's probably part of that Hardy Boys gov't undercover fed conspiracy
The rolled up sleeves signal you are prepared to be the next Seinfeld or Coulier
Most stand ups have a woman just standing next to them, right?
Yeah. She's the comedy equivalent of the assistant at a magic show
If the comedian can't work the crowd, he cuts her in half
Kidstie Brinkley there staring at Dave UnCoulier
I'm now seeing that there are ghostly figures behind him
Is he doing stand up on a runway?
And boy are his arms tired!
wait, shit, I screwed that up
and boy are your arms tired!
Heyooo!
I don't care for whatever this is
I'm afraid the apparitions won't come up in the story and I'll have no answers
ohh, THAT kind of runway. Yeah, I think he is
Which means that rainbow is just sitting in the middle of an otherwise blank wall
The Nancy Drew Files #79: No Laughing Matter* begins in a little under an hour. Here's the preview
if Over the Rainbow isn't a gay night club I'm calling bullshit
It's a comedy club
bullshit
No Chuckle Hut or Laughapalooza? Spector is clearly the devil
Nancy organizes her previews like a nerd
I'll decide if it's worthy of laughter, Carolyn
Goddammit, Bess, get it together
Bess gave weird eulogies
Those suspect blurbs read like Cocktails intros.
That piece of what looks like glassware behind the pretzel bowl is really bugging me. It doesn't look like it's IN the basket. Is it teetering on the edge?
Wicker is like velcro. Everything sticks to it.
Ned & Nancy is no Sid & Nancy
Nancy likes to tease Ned, even after the stroke
That's actually a silver goblet and the stem is behind the pretzel bowl.
If 20 minutes isn't an exaggeration, he has a serious problem.
"trying to get that peapod in his mouth" is a euphemism for attempting to locate the clitoris.
Ned's in college, but still calls his professors teachers
Little embarrassing
Better not let on you don't know how to use chopsticks in prison, Ned. That's the quickest way to be someone's bitch.
Bess is our resident dumbass this evening
Her full name is Bess Texcuseforexposition Marvin.
They got prisons named like country clubs
Or Chicago suburbs
"I sentence you to thirty years in Lake Forest"
I knew you'd love the prison
"Happy Anniversary, babe!"
Keep this look in mind, boys. The toast is crucial
Sploosh
HELLO FELLOW SLEUTHS
Welcome, Mr. Brendan!
HA HA HA HA
Nancy drives a Mustang
All Nancy Drew mysteries take place in the Fourth Dimension.
This ghostwriter forgot what work camp usually means
And the chopsticks, sir?
The classroom at the minimum security prison
"Don't look at me like that. It's really more a re-education camp than a work camp."
Nancy Brockway, Crime Puncher
Prisons do have classes though.
You would think that Nancy would understand this better on her 79th case
Weird, because Dennis is in for arson and sexual assault of a farm animal
She is 100% right and 100% ambiguous if she knows why
Psychopath vibes from Dennis.
Laundering money inevitably means you know the real bad guys and are either in tight with them or looking to not die each day.
The college students have learned a new skill: money laundering
Whoa. A guy in prison committed a crime?!
You show me a group of amazed college students, I'll show you a liar
Maybe they're from the University of Phoenix
Snacks, snacks, snacks
Even in prison, the fresh fruit is an empty gesture
That breakfast goes hard.
"Yeah, whatever, hand me that hot chocolate"
UH OH
Nancy, you're in college. You have to have some survival instinct by now
This might clear it up
This is the saddest way to realize the system is broken
Nancy's rep extends into PRISON.
Don't look up rusty Smith on urban dictionary
if Nancy ever goes into the clink, people will know her.
pfft, he's no Randy Rand
Definitely not suspicious to be rooting around in the cash register
Who is?
"Anybody could have left that semen in the cash drawer"
If he was actually British he'd be Tony Chip
Those hysterical Brits.
So famous for their lack of staid composure.
Trembly upper lip wot wot
Currency is so sticky
I know when I see a criminal I always tell them to get the cops
Who is paying with 100's at the comedy club?
Gotta bring the Benjamins to the ChuckleHut
Counterfeiter, or dude desperate to impress his Tinder date
What year was this written?
Prison is just like a college dorm
"Oh did I give you a $100 instead of a $10? You better just keep it all, Doll. I have so many they're just a nuisance at this point."
1993
I think those hundreds might have been for cocaine.
"Yeah, I'm here a lot. Got my own pretzel cup and everything."
Matt needs to stop doing things without permission
He's never quite sure why just as he walks in the wait staff starts playing Rock, Paper, Scissors and the winner looks real annoyed.
Nancy sees no issue with being led to a prisoner's room
I've watched enough evening at the improv to know that in 1993 standup comics were about 20% cocaine by mass.
"Johnny, somebody is stealing money from you"
"Have I ever told you about the Catskills?"
True story: comedy clubs in the '90s would ask you if you wanted to be paid in green or white.
Sleeenderrrr
These really are written by the same people
Does Nancy have a Chet?
Bess
"Hey Nancy, I finally got the peapod in my mouth."
"Hey, babe, could you do all the work for my report?"
Ned, there was a whole trial. You're coming in really late.
Same van-chasing/-chased action
The driver was also running a finger across their throat, probably to signal they were swallowing some food
As he loaded Ned into a burlap sack, Nancy started to wonder if he didn't want to tell her a brakelight was out.
Hell yeah, Hardy Boys cliffhanger
"I'm making nothing but destructive life choices!"
Same anticlimactic action!
See? The van left. Just an accident.
Rocksolid is Ned
Nan is such an awkward pet name.
Maybe that's why he had trouble with the chopsticks
Nancy had forgotten what Ned looked like
"No, nobody. Except Mrs. Voorhees and Mr. Manson"
Ribelow is such an awkward name
A common mistake. See, it's not her name, but that she reminds him of his grandmother.
But all Cindys are hot. So...
Snaaaaaaaaaaackkkkssssss
If there's not at least two rooms dedicated to orgy, it's not a proper party
Look, I just want to know how slender she is, ok?
Teen boys fucking LOVE salad.
Salad: that food that partygoers love because you can eat it with your hands
wait
Ned was so high
I like that you already knew to go for a pot leaf alternative, @FancyShark. I was still looking for the real thing.
If this party gets any more off the hook, a prayer circle's gonna break out
Mustangs and Camaros, muscle cars for the ladies
Teens love some commercial district
Since I've already forgotten, I will now spend the rest of the book assuming Over the Rainbow is a Judy Garland impersonator school.
Sleeenderrrr
Auburn curls was a terrible medical condition Nancy had no right mentioning to others
Ned is the chet.
"I'M SURE GLAD WE TOOK CARE OF THAT GUY! NOBODY'S LISTENING TO ME NOW, RIGHT?"
Everyone in this book is a trim redhead and I am HERE for it.
As a former Mustang owner, I can confirm it is the car solely for men under 25 and women over 40.
"We sure are discreet. I sure do hope those crimes we committed are not discovered."
Bess is petite and curvy, but was wearing a red jumpsuit
That counts
That is also good with me.
"I definitely wasn't in that car you tried running off the road, can I have a job?"
Bianca Engel, of the Suspect Engels.
Bianca certainly doesn't have any relatives hiding in Argentina
"I DON'T SOLVE CRIMES, HA HA"
Does anybody introduce themselves with first and last name and job title like that? That's bizarre.
Dammit, narrator, keep it down!
The narrator is Ned speaking into his tape recorder. Nancy doesn't have the heart to tell him there hasn't been a tape in it for months.
"WE COMMIT CRIMES"
@John fucking killing it tonight
I took a couple weeks off from these, so I had a chance to read a couple of Seanbaby's joke books.
Club Comedians are often picked up for international theater
And Tony's signal of "We're out of tiny umbrellas" goes unanswered
Literally flaming hair. The "young woman" was a firefighter.
Redheads! Redheads! REDHEADS!
That's their bit. Hair on Fire Guy and the Firefighter Girl.
It gets one show. For safety reasons.
Hilarious?
Sketch. Porno intro. What's the difference?
I am not ashamed to admit I don't get it.
That gets Bess a job, fyi
Nancy doesn't care for that rock and roll music
Improv MURDER.
What a bitch.
"Let's get crunk tonight, Ethel."
Where the ax wound is found.
At least the dad doesn't have the exact same job. Just a very similar job
'90s middle-aged couples love bass-heavy dance music.
Carson Drew and Fenton Hardy are the same man living multiple lives.
Carson Drew and Mr. Hardy are bitterly opposed.
Carson's advice is always "It won't hold up in court"
SCOOPED
Specifically rock music, which would be exactly what 40 year olds would be looking for now
Every day Nancy comes home and excitedly tells him how she solved a case. Mr. Drew wearily pinches the bridge of his nose, exhales and says, "Nancy, for the last time, hearsay is...."
"And no, I don't want to see the picture Ned drew. The fridge is full."
"I met a criminal today who swears he's innocent."
"I gave him your numbers and told him we'd root it out."
Beautiful.
GENEROTRON, write me a threatening phone call
Again with the full introduction. This book was totally written by a robot.
"Huh, usually the filthy call lasts longer"
He didn't even ask about my peapod.
Ned, meanwhile, is trying to dial Nancy's number but doesn't understand there are numbers over three
Buddy, this is Nancy Drew. Phone threats turn her on.
All you've done is let her know justice is on tonight's secret menu.
"Caller ID, tell me who just signed their death warrant"
Well, La-Di-fucking-Da Nancy
Ned better watch out
Everybody's eating, all the time.
Just skinny redheads, devouring food.
If you need to sit down for a moment, just let us know
People actually know Nancy, even though she hasn't stopped any neutron bombs
Faith and begorrah to you, Keith
I guess I'm assuming, but I don't think there was a boyfriend before Ned who exploded
"She's the most talented investigator alive and she's under 20. Also, wowdy-wowdy-wow-WOW!"
Nancy is right to be uncomfortable.
Buttering up the owner, and that roll
Ned hasn't survived certain death, so he's only Joe in IQ so far
"spending time buttering up the owner" and you're telling me with a straight face that this is a comedy club
"Spending time at the Rainbow, if you catch my drift"
hahaha, scooped
ALL CHARACTERS MUST CONSUME
Slow down, Nancy. Salads are for parties
Great stuff for the kids
Liiiiips
Who exactly is Keith?
A PI? A Fed?
"Nance was getting real, horned up"
He was a PI hired by the guy in prison to exonerate him
ah
This is sweaty Peter Sands, the guy in prison's partner
This is going to end with Ned standing over Keith's body, a chopstick jammed through each of Keith's eyes
"Peter then paddled his way to a chair and gestured for her to do the same."
And the prisoner's sister is working with Peter. I'm sure he'd be thrilled with that
Lisa and Nancy both go for their guns
"Come, Nancy," grunted Ned. "We must dispose of the body the only way me know how."
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
Then Peter tells them he doesn't have time, and Nancy just leaves
so a great and worthwhile scene
Case closed
Lisa Goldin?! Of the Bianca Elgins?!
The Over the Rainbow operates under medieval rotten fruit rules
"If you're lucky, the objects are blunt"
Tony Fry was arrested today for throwing his semen at an employee.
THE COMEDY AUDIENCES DEMAND SALT AND PEPPER
"I toldja to be prepared!"
Police said the bartender hurled the bodily fluid, which he had been mixing into drinks, after the employee, a new hire and famous teen sleuth, insulted him.
He is currently awaiting trial next to Hannibal Lecter
The comedy clubs around me mostly doing amazing food, but I feel it distracts from the stand-up.
Yes it does. It has to. They have a bartender
It's a comedy club, what are you talking about, "they don't sell alcohol"
YOU MET HIM
Jesus, a comedy club that doesn't sell drinks would be out of business in a week
this might be beer vs. spirits, I dunno. Blue laws are weird.
This club has 12 tables, what the fuck are they doing with 500 decks of cards
But, wine?
If they sell beer, they sell wine
Unless they're a gas station
Nancy's conservative upbringing often made solving cases harder than they had to be. "But the Bible says 'Thou Shalt Not Kill', so obviously Father Peter couldn't have done it."
Nancy's getting that familiar tingle again
And another aneurysm goes unreported
"Hey Ned, remember 12 pages ago when we talked about money laundering?"
"Durrr..."
"That's right, Ned. Good job."
It would be amazing if Evangelical Nancy Drew found the culprit every time by praying on it and listening to her heart about who has grown apart from God.
I am 100% certain a book series like that exists.
Inquisitor Drew
Johnny Spector
Johnny Spector has bodies in every state
Nancy is unfamiliar with stand-up
A Jewish comedian? Now I've heard everything!
He wasn't joking and didn't appreciate people laughing at him. He thought it was a support group.
"I thought Over the Rainbow was an LGBT widowers' support group."
Shades of Gent there. Best be careful.
I mean, Phil Spector does...
Nows Is hasd heads everysthings
GEEEEEEEENNNNNNNT!
Nancy Drew: Antisemite