Hear the one about the crooked comedy club? Nancy has...and it's no joke.
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gellaho
It's time for Ladies' Month in the Book Cage! For the next month plus, we'll be reading books by female authors. Or in this case, possibly female ghostwriters. We'll be starting with the counterpart to The Hardy Boys Casefiles, The Nancy Drew Files (tm) #79: No Laughing Matter. Get ready for intrigue and bad jokes at the Over the Rainbow comedy club. Are they doing it for the insurance money? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway Pin this or you won't get any...pretzels? Werther's Originals? I'm not sure what Nancy's got there, but you won't be getting any.
FancyShark
Wait a sec, I thought you were reading this book last week?
Brockway
I don't know what she's got but I know what he's got and I know that I want it.
gellaho
He's got a sports jacket, turtleneck, belt buckle and blue jeans. Classic comedian
FancyShark
I'm not complaining. It means I get to be here for the reading. Just confused
gellaho
I got a little busy with things last week
FancyShark
ahh
Well, cool then!
John
This Nancy Drew reading is perfectly timed for the Hardy Boys season finale right after. It's the Nancy Drew crossover episode.
Gentleman Brendan
'90s standup without a brick wall? I think I found the GULPrit!
Gentleman Brendan
You're not a comedian until you roll up the sports jacket sleeves. Also, where are his white basketball shoes? He's probably part of that Hardy Boys gov't undercover fed conspiracy
FancyShark
The rolled up sleeves signal you are prepared to be the next Seinfeld or Coulier
gellaho
Most stand ups have a woman just standing next to them, right?
FancyShark
Yeah. She's the comedy equivalent of the assistant at a magic show
If the comedian can't work the crowd, he cuts her in half
Gentleman Brendan
Kidstie Brinkley there staring at Dave UnCoulier
gellaho
I'm now seeing that there are ghostly figures behind him
Is he doing stand up on a runway?
FancyShark
And boy are his arms tired!
wait, shit, I screwed that up
Mo's Over, Synergy
and boy are your arms tired!
FancyShark
Heyooo!
gellaho
I don't care for whatever this is
gellaho
I'm afraid the apparitions won't come up in the story and I'll have no answers
FancyShark
ohh, THAT kind of runway. Yeah, I think he is
Which means that rainbow is just sitting in the middle of an otherwise blank wall
gellaho
The Nancy Drew Files #79: No Laughing Matter* begins in a little under an hour. Here's the preview
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
if Over the Rainbow isn't a gay night club I'm calling bullshit
gellaho
It's a comedy club
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
bullshit
FancyShark
No Chuckle Hut or Laughapalooza? Spector is clearly the devil
gellaho
Nancy organizes her previews like a nerd
gellaho
I'll decide if it's worthy of laughter, Carolyn
gellaho
Goddammit, Bess, get it together
FancyShark
Bess gave weird eulogies
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Those suspect blurbs read like Cocktails intros.
Dolphin cop Thrillho
That piece of what looks like glassware behind the pretzel bowl is really bugging me. It doesn't look like it's IN the basket. Is it teetering on the edge?
FancyShark
Wicker is like velcro. Everything sticks to it.
gellaho
Ned & Nancy is no Sid & Nancy
FancyShark
Nancy likes to tease Ned, even after the stroke
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That's actually a silver goblet and the stem is behind the pretzel bowl.
John
If 20 minutes isn't an exaggeration, he has a serious problem.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"trying to get that peapod in his mouth" is a euphemism for attempting to locate the clitoris.
gellaho
Ned's in college, but still calls his professors teachers
gellaho
Little embarrassing
FancyShark
Better not let on you don't know how to use chopsticks in prison, Ned. That's the quickest way to be someone's bitch.
gellaho
Bess is our resident dumbass this evening
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Her full name is Bess Texcuseforexposition Marvin.
gellaho
They got prisons named like country clubs
FancyShark
Or Chicago suburbs
"I sentence you to thirty years in Lake Forest"
gellaho
I knew you'd love the prison
FancyShark
"Happy Anniversary, babe!"
gellaho
Keep this look in mind, boys. The toast is crucial
FancyShark
Sploosh
Gentleman Brendan
HELLO FELLOW SLEUTHS
FancyShark
Welcome, Mr. Brendan!
Gentleman Brendan
HA HA HA HA
gellaho
Nancy drives a Mustang
Gentleman Brendan
All Nancy Drew mysteries take place in the Fourth Dimension.
gellaho
This ghostwriter forgot what work camp usually means
Gentleman Brendan
And the chopsticks, sir?
gellaho
The classroom at the minimum security prison
FancyShark
"Don't look at me like that. It's really more a re-education camp than a work camp."
Gentleman Brendan
Nancy Brockway, Crime Puncher
Gentleman Brendan
Prisons do have classes though.
gellaho
You would think that Nancy would understand this better on her 79th case
FancyShark
Weird, because Dennis is in for arson and sexual assault of a farm animal
Gentleman Brendan
She is 100% right and 100% ambiguous if she knows why
Gentleman Brendan
Psychopath vibes from Dennis.
Laundering money inevitably means you know the real bad guys and are either in tight with them or looking to not die each day.
gellaho
The college students have learned a new skill: money laundering
FancyShark
Whoa. A guy in prison committed a crime?!
gellaho
You show me a group of amazed college students, I'll show you a liar
FancyShark
Maybe they're from the University of Phoenix
gellaho
Snacks, snacks, snacks
FancyShark
Even in prison, the fresh fruit is an empty gesture
Gentleman Brendan
That breakfast goes hard.
gellaho
"Yeah, whatever, hand me that hot chocolate"
Gentleman Brendan
UH OH
FancyShark
Nancy, you're in college. You have to have some survival instinct by now
gellaho
This might clear it up
FancyShark
This is the saddest way to realize the system is broken
Gentleman Brendan
Nancy's rep extends into PRISON.
gellaho
Don't look up rusty Smith on urban dictionary
Gentleman Brendan
if Nancy ever goes into the clink, people will know her.
FancyShark
pfft, he's no Randy Rand
gellaho
Definitely not suspicious to be rooting around in the cash register
gellaho
Who is?
FancyShark
"Anybody could have left that semen in the cash drawer"
gellaho
If he was actually British he'd be Tony Chip
Gentleman Brendan
Those hysterical Brits.
So famous for their lack of staid composure.
Trembly upper lip wot wot
gellaho
Currency is so sticky
FancyShark
I know when I see a criminal I always tell them to get the cops
gellaho
Who is paying with 100's at the comedy club?
Gotta bring the Benjamins to the ChuckleHut
FancyShark
Counterfeiter, or dude desperate to impress his Tinder date
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
What year was this written?
gellaho
Prison is just like a college dorm
John
"Oh did I give you a $100 instead of a $10? You better just keep it all, Doll. I have so many they're just a nuisance at this point."
gellaho
1993
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I think those hundreds might have been for cocaine.
FancyShark
"Yeah, I'm here a lot. Got my own pretzel cup and everything."
gellaho
Matt needs to stop doing things without permission
John
He's never quite sure why just as he walks in the wait staff starts playing Rock, Paper, Scissors and the winner looks real annoyed.
FancyShark
Nancy sees no issue with being led to a prisoner's room
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I've watched enough evening at the improv to know that in 1993 standup comics were about 20% cocaine by mass.
gellaho
"Johnny, somebody is stealing money from you"
"Have I ever told you about the Catskills?"
Gentleman Brendan
True story: comedy clubs in the '90s would ask you if you wanted to be paid in green or white.
gellaho
Sleeenderrrr
gellaho
These really are written by the same people
Gentleman Brendan
Does Nancy have a Chet?
gellaho
Bess
FancyShark
"Hey Nancy, I finally got the peapod in my mouth."
gellaho
"Hey, babe, could you do all the work for my report?"
FancyShark
Ned, there was a whole trial. You're coming in really late.
gellaho
Same van-chasing/-chased action
FancyShark
The driver was also running a finger across their throat, probably to signal they were swallowing some food
John
As he loaded Ned into a burlap sack, Nancy started to wonder if he didn't want to tell her a brakelight was out.
gellaho
Hell yeah, Hardy Boys cliffhanger
FancyShark
"I'm making nothing but destructive life choices!"
gellaho
Same anticlimactic action!
John
See? The van left. Just an accident.
gellaho
Rocksolid is Ned
John
Nan is such an awkward pet name.
FancyShark
Maybe that's why he had trouble with the chopsticks
gellaho
Nancy had forgotten what Ned looked like
FancyShark
"No, nobody. Except Mrs. Voorhees and Mr. Manson"
gellaho
Ribelow is such an awkward name
Gentleman Brendan
A common mistake. See, it's not her name, but that she reminds him of his grandmother.
Gentleman Brendan
But all Cindys are hot. So...
gellaho
Snaaaaaaaaaaackkkkssssss
FancyShark
If there's not at least two rooms dedicated to orgy, it's not a proper party
John
Look, I just want to know how slender she is, ok?
Gentleman Brendan
Teen boys fucking LOVE salad.
FancyShark
Salad: that food that partygoers love because you can eat it with your hands
wait
gellaho
Ned was so high
John
I like that you already knew to go for a pot leaf alternative, @FancyShark. I was still looking for the real thing.
FancyShark
If this party gets any more off the hook, a prayer circle's gonna break out
gellaho
Mustangs and Camaros, muscle cars for the ladies
FancyShark
Teens love some commercial district
John
Since I've already forgotten, I will now spend the rest of the book assuming Over the Rainbow is a Judy Garland impersonator school.
gellaho
Sleeenderrrr
FancyShark
Auburn curls was a terrible medical condition Nancy had no right mentioning to others
Gentleman Brendan
Ned is the chet.
gellaho
"I'M SURE GLAD WE TOOK CARE OF THAT GUY! NOBODY'S LISTENING TO ME NOW, RIGHT?"
Gentleman Brendan
Everyone in this book is a trim redhead and I am HERE for it.
Gentleman Brendan
As a former Mustang owner, I can confirm it is the car solely for men under 25 and women over 40.
FancyShark
"We sure are discreet. I sure do hope those crimes we committed are not discovered."
gellaho
Bess is petite and curvy, but was wearing a red jumpsuit
FancyShark
That counts
Gentleman Brendan
That is also good with me.
gellaho
"I definitely wasn't in that car you tried running off the road, can I have a job?"
Gentleman Brendan
Bianca Engel, of the Suspect Engels.
FancyShark
Bianca certainly doesn't have any relatives hiding in Argentina
gellaho
"I DON'T SOLVE CRIMES, HA HA"
John
Does anybody introduce themselves with first and last name and job title like that? That's bizarre.
FancyShark
Dammit, narrator, keep it down!
John
The narrator is Ned speaking into his tape recorder. Nancy doesn't have the heart to tell him there hasn't been a tape in it for months.
gellaho
"WE COMMIT CRIMES"
FancyShark
@John fucking killing it tonight
John
I took a couple weeks off from these, so I had a chance to read a couple of Seanbaby's joke books.
gellaho
Club Comedians are often picked up for international theater
FancyShark
And Tony's signal of "We're out of tiny umbrellas" goes unanswered
John
Literally flaming hair. The "young woman" was a firefighter.
Gentleman Brendan
Redheads! Redheads! REDHEADS!
John
That's their bit. Hair on Fire Guy and the Firefighter Girl.
FancyShark
It gets one show. For safety reasons.
gellaho
Hilarious?
FancyShark
Sketch. Porno intro. What's the difference?
John
I am not ashamed to admit I don't get it.
gellaho
That gets Bess a job, fyi
Nancy doesn't care for that rock and roll music
Gentleman Brendan
Improv MURDER.
John
What a bitch.
FancyShark
"Let's get crunk tonight, Ethel."
Gentleman Brendan
Where the ax wound is found.
gellaho
At least the dad doesn't have the exact same job. Just a very similar job
Gentleman Brendan
'90s middle-aged couples love bass-heavy dance music.
John
Carson Drew and Fenton Hardy are the same man living multiple lives.
Gentleman Brendan
Carson Drew and Mr. Hardy are bitterly opposed.
FancyShark
Carson's advice is always "It won't hold up in court"
Gentleman Brendan
SCOOPED
gellaho
Specifically rock music, which would be exactly what 40 year olds would be looking for now
John
Every day Nancy comes home and excitedly tells him how she solved a case. Mr. Drew wearily pinches the bridge of his nose, exhales and says, "Nancy, for the last time, hearsay is...."
FancyShark
"And no, I don't want to see the picture Ned drew. The fridge is full."
Gentleman Brendan
"I met a criminal today who swears he's innocent."
"I gave him your numbers and told him we'd root it out."
John
Beautiful.
gellaho
GENEROTRON, write me a threatening phone call
John
Again with the full introduction. This book was totally written by a robot.
FancyShark
"Huh, usually the filthy call lasts longer"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He didn't even ask about my peapod.
FancyShark
Ned, meanwhile, is trying to dial Nancy's number but doesn't understand there are numbers over three
Gentleman Brendan
Buddy, this is Nancy Drew. Phone threats turn her on.
All you've done is let her know justice is on tonight's secret menu.
FancyShark
"Caller ID, tell me who just signed their death warrant"
gellaho
Well, La-Di-fucking-Da Nancy
gellaho
Ned better watch out
Gentleman Brendan
Everybody's eating, all the time.
Just skinny redheads, devouring food.
FancyShark
If you need to sit down for a moment, just let us know
gellaho
People actually know Nancy, even though she hasn't stopped any neutron bombs
FancyShark
Faith and begorrah to you, Keith
gellaho
I guess I'm assuming, but I don't think there was a boyfriend before Ned who exploded
Gentleman Brendan
"She's the most talented investigator alive and she's under 20. Also, wowdy-wowdy-wow-WOW!"
Nancy is right to be uncomfortable.
gellaho
Buttering up the owner, and that roll
FancyShark
Ned hasn't survived certain death, so he's only Joe in IQ so far
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
"spending time buttering up the owner" and you're telling me with a straight face that this is a comedy club
FancyShark
"Spending time at the Rainbow, if you catch my drift"
hahaha, scooped
gellaho
ALL CHARACTERS MUST CONSUME
FancyShark
Slow down, Nancy. Salads are for parties
gellaho
Great stuff for the kids
FancyShark
Liiiiips
Gentleman Brendan
Who exactly is Keith?
A PI? A Fed?
gellaho
"Nance was getting real, horned up"
gellaho
He was a PI hired by the guy in prison to exonerate him
Gentleman Brendan
ah
gellaho
This is sweaty Peter Sands, the guy in prison's partner
FancyShark
This is going to end with Ned standing over Keith's body, a chopstick jammed through each of Keith's eyes
"Peter then paddled his way to a chair and gestured for her to do the same."
gellaho
And the prisoner's sister is working with Peter. I'm sure he'd be thrilled with that
FancyShark
Lisa and Nancy both go for their guns
Gentleman Brendan
"Come, Nancy," grunted Ned. "We must dispose of the body the only way me know how."
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
gellaho
Then Peter tells them he doesn't have time, and Nancy just leaves
so a great and worthwhile scene
FancyShark
Case closed
Gentleman Brendan
Lisa Goldin?! Of the Bianca Elgins?!
gellaho
The Over the Rainbow operates under medieval rotten fruit rules
FancyShark
"If you're lucky, the objects are blunt"
Gentleman Brendan
Tony Fry was arrested today for throwing his semen at an employee.
gellaho
THE COMEDY AUDIENCES DEMAND SALT AND PEPPER
FancyShark
"I toldja to be prepared!"
Gentleman Brendan
Police said the bartender hurled the bodily fluid, which he had been mixing into drinks, after the employee, a new hire and famous teen sleuth, insulted him.
FancyShark
He is currently awaiting trial next to Hannibal Lecter
Gentleman Brendan
The comedy clubs around me mostly doing amazing food, but I feel it distracts from the stand-up.
gellaho
Yes it does. It has to. They have a bartender
gellaho
It's a comedy club, what are you talking about, "they don't sell alcohol"
FancyShark
YOU MET HIM
Jesus, a comedy club that doesn't sell drinks would be out of business in a week
Gentleman Brendan
this might be beer vs. spirits, I dunno. Blue laws are weird.
gellaho
This club has 12 tables, what the fuck are they doing with 500 decks of cards
gellaho
But, wine?
If they sell beer, they sell wine
FancyShark
Unless they're a gas station
John
Nancy's conservative upbringing often made solving cases harder than they had to be. "But the Bible says 'Thou Shalt Not Kill', so obviously Father Peter couldn't have done it."
gellaho
Nancy's getting that familiar tingle again
FancyShark
And another aneurysm goes unreported
John
"Hey Ned, remember 12 pages ago when we talked about money laundering?"
"Durrr..."
"That's right, Ned. Good job."
Gentleman Brendan
It would be amazing if Evangelical Nancy Drew found the culprit every time by praying on it and listening to her heart about who has grown apart from God.
John
I am 100% certain a book series like that exists.
FancyShark
Inquisitor Drew
gellaho
Johnny Spector
John
FancyShark
Johnny Spector has bodies in every state
gellaho
Nancy is unfamiliar with stand-up
gellaho
A Jewish comedian? Now I've heard everything!
FancyShark
He wasn't joking and didn't appreciate people laughing at him. He thought it was a support group.
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
"I thought Over the Rainbow was an LGBT widowers' support group."
John
Shades of Gent there. Best be careful.
Gentleman Brendan
I mean, Phil Spector does...
gellaho
Nows Is hasd heads everysthings
FancyShark
GEEEEEEEENNNNNNNT!
Gentleman Brendan
Nancy Drew: Antisemite
gellaho
Keith be creepin
Gentleman Brendan
Nobody knows what's funny better than 20-year-old sorority sisters.
FancyShark
"A fur bu-"
"I have mace"
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
author knew exactly what they were doing with naming him Keith
gellaho
If you were wondering, Nancy also gets beat unconscious
gellaho
Equal opportunity
FancyShark
The end
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Damn, she got Hardyed.
John
As she fell to the floor, Nancy realized she hadn't felt so close to Ned since her last concussion.
gellaho
Crisis averted
FancyShark
"I see the shapes he sees..."
gellaho
gasp
FancyShark
FUCK!
John
"Quick, put her in the closet and then do nothing else to trap her.
Gentleman Brendan
I begin to suspect Joe takes all the beatings so Frank can remain The Smart One.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I think a missing book is the least of your worries, Nancy.
gellaho
"Well, she could knock me out. But, drag me into a closet? Nah"
FancyShark
Blood's pooling on the brain. Better find a book.
Gentleman Brendan
Bob Saget, Boy Detective.
John
This is the kind of dark joke I couldn't make land. Bravo.
gellaho
"WHAT'S THAT BUZZING SOUND?"
FancyShark
"Hey, Nancy, you're head's totally bleeding! Anyway, take these shots to table five"
gellaho
Giving the first-timer accounting duties and giving away business info? Smart
FancyShark
The IRS doesn't even have to try to audit this place
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"oh, by the way, I was assaulted and have head trauma"
gellaho
Oof, Rusty. Tough go
Gentleman Brendan
Nancy Fugue.
Nancy Drew Blood.
Nancy Drughaghogaoaewlfahtunafishhat
gellaho
Boyfriends and girlfriends on that last name-basis
Gentleman Brendan
So like...what was Dan's plan if Nancy's boyfriend's class HADN'T come to the prison?
FancyShark
"Feed me, woman"
Gentleman Brendan
I assume this is opportunistic because she has a rep.
gellaho
THEY MUST FEED
Gentleman Brendan
Was he just waiting for someone to come along?
Or does he know all the hot teens?
FancyShark
He'd send an anonymous letter to the Hardys
Signed "Not Suspicious"
gellaho
"I don't remember yesterday, I wonder why that is"
FancyShark
"How many times did they beat you unconscious?"
"No more than usual."
gellaho
Flawless plan
Gentleman Brendan
Does a computer explode in this one, or not, because girls don't understand how to use them?
FancyShark
"Is this Nancy Drew? Oh my god, you're famous!"
Gentleman Brendan
"Fantorelli--hmm, Italian, and thus easily fooled."
"Ey, Bianca, dat youse? Why-a you sound-a like you a-gotta paper onnada face?"
Oh shit, I need to get back to Arthur Avenue.
gellaho
I can't believe you didn't find anything about this at the library, weird
Gentleman Brendan
It's been two years!
Spector did it.
Spector is behind everything.
It is I, the architect of all your pain, Nancy.
FancyShark
Ned's sad because the pop-up books didn't have bibliographies
gellaho
This is maybe the dumbest way to get caught I've seen
gellaho
Just leave the gloves, Nancy
Gentleman Brendan
"VERY good, Ned," cooed Nancy, feeding him a 'nilla wafer and smoothing his hair.
FancyShark
"Very good, Ned. Tomorrow we'll work on spelling."
lol, dammit, scooped
Gentleman Brendan
'93 was basically the year heated ass-seats debuted.
gellaho
I'M NOT SUSPICIOUS
FancyShark
"But normally you put your head down"
Gentleman Brendan
FUCK YEAH
Stakeout head
FancyShark
"Peapod, Ned"
gellaho
Flawless
FancyShark
Just to be safe, they set demo charges at all the structural weaknesses
Gentleman Brendan
A network of computers was plugged in at each support column.
gellaho
Hey, man, you want some playin' cards? They're fresh
gellaho
Then she leaves
FancyShark
"You want a child slave? Those we sell on site."
gellaho
No! Way!
FancyShark
Get the fuck out
gellaho
Cards and chips!? The brigands!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
We're dealing with some scary people here.
FancyShark
If this keeps up, someone might ASK HER TO LEAVE
gellaho
Tit-glasses
FancyShark
Stern or stern, book?
gellaho
The Hardys would never reject a snack, for shame
FancyShark
"More lutefisk-mallo for me," she said with a shrug
Gentleman Brendan
Why is everyone in this book an implied smokeshow?
FancyShark
Dunno, but I don't know how we can go back
Gentleman Brendan
is it me? Am I the horny one? Or is it the author?
FancyShark
You are not alone
gellaho
"I'll prove that bitch got a fake vacation, if it's the last thing I do"
Gentleman Brendan
Either is fine, I just can't tell. It's like when you look at your own hand through a telescope
gellaho
Except Peter Sands, the sweaty accountant
FancyShark
He's the ballast
Gentleman Brendan
And the hateful view of the old Jewish man.
gellaho
This book hates Peter Sands
Gentleman Brendan
What if Peter Sands is Jewish, too? What if this is some exclusive country club shit?
FancyShark
"Huh, weird. Peter doesn't own a Geo."
gellaho
Whoa, what
gellaho
They're swinging now
FancyShark
Ned is who Chet is in our hearts
gellaho
You know that episode of South Park where the Hardy Boys are sexually excited by clues?
FancyShark
Yeah?
gellaho
Nancy actually has that
FancyShark
Holy shit
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It's not even subtle.
FancyShark
It does explain why she's so eager to solve crimes
Gentleman Brendan
DIDN'T I SAY
Ned Nickerson: Hedonist
gellaho
Are you helping my brother get out of prison? How dare you
Gentleman Brendan
Everyone has that one ex who was kinda out of their league who didn't know it yet from HS or college.
Ned is just sauntering through his.
FancyShark
Bless him
gellaho
"I know he might have put him in prison, but I need that sweaty accountant dick"
FancyShark
"He's got the musk"
Gentleman Brendan
Peter's dickgame must be strong indeed.
gellaho
This gesture doesn't really match what she's saying
FancyShark
It's code for their foreplay
gellaho
@che jakesy, sports revolutionary are ladies really into accountants?
Gentleman Brendan
My sister married an accountant. Honestly, he's so cool I couldn't blame her even if he put me in prison.
gellaho
Smooth
FancyShark
He rehearsed that alibi for hours
Gentleman Brendan
Accountants party HARD.
gellaho
There is somehow more lunch in this than the Hardys
FancyShark
The Hardys graze. Nancy takes actual time to eat
gellaho
"See, I told you I'd prove that bitch got a fake vacation"
FancyShark
But what if they only paid for the bad part of Hawaii?
gellaho
Kids love accounting
FancyShark
Golly, it sure is convenient the book explained money laundering at the start
gellaho
MUUUUUUUUSSSTTTTT EEAAAAAAAT
FancyShark
Bess has spent this whole time going all Bill Hicks on the idiots at the club
gellaho
Somebody's getting off on this
FancyShark
"Pay attention, Ned"
gellaho
"Forty year olds hate rock music and juice! It's 1993!"
gellaho
How is this the most dated book I've read
Gentleman Brendan
That is actually odd.
Either they're scouting a unicorn or they just really like the band.
gellaho
Exclamation points indicate excitement!
FancyShark
Nancy goes back to the bar and finally notices the door marked "CAGE FIGHT ARENA - STAY OUT"
FancyShark
"LET'S FUCK 'EM UP!"
gellaho
"Hey, it's the guy I saw right before I got incapacitated. I wonder if it's related?"
Gentleman Brendan
Nancy slid back the action on her HK-MP5. It was time for justice.
gellaho
gasp green felt!? How dare they!
gellaho
Only the most dangerous criminals deal in green felt!
Gentleman Brendan
or pool
oh card squares, carry on.
FancyShark
"Ned, get the piano wire, the pliers, and the bottle opener. Momma's gonna work out some tension."
gellaho
Those damned billiard addicts
"That is, until my bill gets through congress. Then those degenerates won't be able to move those devious felt tables"
gellaho
"DAMN YOU FELT!"
Gentleman Brendan
Nancy's world is going to crumble when she finds out her dad has a monthly game for <$200 with friends.
gellaho
Red head?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
If she enjoyed the feelings she got discovering a clue, wait until she takes her first life.
gellaho
gellaho
Redhead?
Gentleman Brendan
They said reddish blonde
gellaho
I'm not seeing it
Gentleman Brendan
Which I guess is strawberry blonde? Even though strawberries are blood-red and ginger is sorta beige-blonde?
I think we're overlooking the important fact: Ned stopped eating
FancyShark
Nancy noticed. She knows he needs more training
gellaho
I'm going to shove her face in that fake vacation
FancyShark
She's black, Ned. Don't be an asshole.
gellaho
Jesus, Carla, you're talking to teens
gellaho
Get a backbone
FancyShark
Was Carla the stern lady? Because this is shattering that image
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I have to assume Nancy's terrifying reputation makes everyone cave so easily.
gellaho
Jesus, Carla, you are the cheapest bribe
gellaho
"I couldn't afford a vacation this year so I sent that guy to prison"
FancyShark
That must have been a hell of a timeshare presentation
gellaho
"That's right, bitch, you had a fake vacation"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Carla has no idea how close to death she just was.
FancyShark
"Aloha!"
"OH GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!"
gellaho
Hmmm, let's see what this is about
FancyShark
Nancy signals to Ned to put the chain and dental tools back in the trunk
gellaho
Keith creepin
gellaho
Pounding, get it Nancy?
FancyShark
Good music does pound
FancyShark
"I still have mace."
gellaho
It took all her experience to come up with this conclusion
FancyShark
If Keith had knocked her out, waking up in a closet would not be the outcome I'd expect
Gentleman Brendan
What if we're not being speculative and the author really was like, "Well...the kids won't know, but I'll add a subplot about the allure of an older man..."?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Keith sounds like the kind of guy who does knockouts Cosby style.
gellaho
Are you trying to tell me Carolyn Keene might not be a woman!?
This would ruin my theme!
Gentleman Brendan
Are you trying to tell me women don't ever ponder an older man?
Because honestly, all the younger ones I've dated have been more mature than all the cougars.
gellaho
Anyway, Ned calls the criminal comedy club and just gives up information
Gentleman Brendan
Ned, you fuckin' fuck, you don't break chain of command.
FancyShark
Dammit, Ned
gellaho
Goddammit, Ned
FancyShark
He thinks if he gives information he gets food
Gentleman Brendan
This is the kind of thing that gets you beaten with a baseball bat in a scorcese film
gellaho
This author loves the exclamation
Can't resist the call of the shift+1
Day 2: Nancy continues to run the comedy business books
Gentleman Brendan
Nancy Drew: So famous, prisoners know her on sight, but their coworkers do not.
FancyShark
Nancy probably lost her shit when unboxing videos started
gellaho
It's almost like this is a red herring
FancyShark
Nancy ignores the "REAL DOLL" label on the box
gellaho
Nancy, just pay the $10
gellaho
I know you can afford it
Gentleman Brendan
Definitely a surprise party.
wait
Okay the CLUB should be the Over the Rainbow.
gellaho
THAT GODDAMNED ROCK MUSIC!
gellaho
It's not like that would have been popular for the 40 year olds in 1993
FancyShark
"Damn rock music with the hula hoops and the crystal methadone!"
gellaho
It's not like there was a lot of rock music when they were teens in the 60s
And whoever heard of Rock n Roll in the 70s!?
I love that this author imagines people dressing up to go to illegal gambling establishments
Gentleman Brendan
Nancy is going to investigate some real petty crime and accidentally bust open the Studio 54 of Bayport.
gellaho
I'd better put on my tux to go to the slot machines on top of the dance club
FancyShark
Sits down next to a chain smoker in grey sweats
Gentleman Brendan
If a vice cop covers it, it's not immoral, just sketchy.
gellaho
This is not how this works
Gentleman Brendan
Vice crime is just shit that ought to be regulated rather than outlawed.
gellaho
"Nancy was teleported to Vegas in the 50s"
FancyShark
Who ever heard of a comedian working in a casino
gellaho
Exclamation point! Keith! Exclamation point!
FancyShark
Meanwhile, Keith is wondering which organs he can sell to cover his debts
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Keith is getting hustled, they're just building up his confidence.
John
I see the problem. Nancy believed Ned when he told her potato chips and poker chips are the same thing, they just magically become valuable in a casino.
gellaho
I'M NOT A NARC, HA HA
Gentleman Brendan
Women are British, and thus prone to excitable internal monologues.
Okay, now she's stalking Keith on a date. This is turning into Labyrinth.
"Keith was taking the woman home! But she wasn't his wife!"
gellaho
Keith! Exclamation point!
Gentleman Brendan
Smooth moves, Kappa phi.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"But...that's a sin!"
Keith is swearing he's good for the money, he just needs another week.
gellaho
Pay attention, Nancy
FancyShark
No one's been here in a long time. It must be where they went!
gellaho
gasp, don't ruin the sketch, Nancy!
gellaho
gellaho
And yes, there is somehow a staircase from the illegal gambling den to the stage of the comedy club
you should have expected that
Gentleman Brendan
Old speakeasy.
FancyShark
Still funnier than Gallagher
Gentleman Brendan
Most of Nancy's crimesolving is literally bumping around blind in the dark.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Wait are we sure this doesn't take place in the 30s?
gellaho
"Nancy felt like a deer in the headlights of a car, in the lights of the stage"
FancyShark
FaaaAAAAceeesssss
Gentleman Brendan
"And me, the au pair!" improvised Nancy.
gellaho
She felt like it was getting hot. So fucking hot
FancyShark
Then, gunfire
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Nancy could benefit from a few improv classes.
Gentleman Brendan
Audiences love British characters because they're so excitable.
gellaho
Immediate next sentence:
gellaho
Almost had some tension there, thank God
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
You were fantastic, the way you froze in terror and then ran away.
FancyShark
The awkward silence was masterful!
gellaho
"Johnny, you own the place."
FancyShark
"Damn comedians! Should execute the lot of them!"
"Uh...Johnny?"
gellaho
You know, arranging napkins
FancyShark
And the audience just cleared out?
gellaho
You know comedy clubs, keeping formal place settings
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Nancy just seems to come and go from this job. Does she have to punch in or anything?
gellaho
Exclamation point!
FancyShark
Yes, drawers are usually hollow
gellaho
"Hey kids, experience all the excitement of Microsoft Excel!"
gellaho
Don't you bring logic into this
Nancy's got the eye of the tiger
FancyShark
"Should we use our actual initials?"
"Of course. Don't want to falsify any paperwork."
gellaho
FEAR THE TEEN
FancyShark
"You better start talking, Bianca, or I might lose my temper."
gellaho
FancyShark
"Awful lot of knives for a surprise party"
gellaho
Who would believe that a party store would sell poker supplies?
Who's ever heard of large groups of people getting together to play card games at a party?
FancyShark
Parties are for salads
gellaho
Who would ever associate the name Spector with crime?
gellaho
Fucking top notch code
gellaho
Keith's creeping on Bess now
John
"How long do I have to back off? What, exactly, am I backing off of? If I do what you say, and you return her, can I then back on? Your plan seems hasty."
FancyShark
"You know what? Ned can keep you."
gellaho
THE JUDGE!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The judge is what she calls her tire iron.
gellaho
"Well, OK. I'm sure he won't hurt her if we do something"
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
wow, who could have guessed a guy named Keith O'Brien was an unhinged weirdo
you might as well have named him Stabby McWhiteSupremacist
FancyShark
Nancy, you've been on enough cases to know that hostage-takers always say don't call the cops
You know who's equipped to deal with this? The cops
gellaho
"Not even toast can raise my spirits"
FancyShark
Then another blow to the back of the head
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
either that or the hot chocolate is poisoned
gellaho
"Ugh, why do I have to wait!?"
FancyShark
"Now I have to wait and not set up a trap!"
gellaho
What, why would they clear up the evidence! That's so mean!
FancyShark
Despair from the evidence going missing, not from a friend being in mortal danger
gellaho
Solid evidence there, bud
FancyShark
And look, it even has a full confession signed by all the culprits etched into it!
gellaho
Brilliant moves from the criminals here
John
It says here "I did it -NN" Ned, how could you?
FancyShark
"Ned sorry. Nancy make sex now?"
gellaho
Of course, food
FancyShark
Bess definitely pissed the floor
gellaho
There are like, a dozen other people who know they're down there, Keith
FancyShark
Ned! Attack!
John
It's ok. Ned's good at running errands. He'll clean it up and go buy her a new outfit if Nancy asks him to.
gellaho
JOHNNY, NO!
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
what's the over/under on Ned making it out of this book alive?
gellaho
I mean, we already knew that, but OK
FancyShark
Honestly? I give him good odds
gellaho
Don't you use your tough guy voice with me, Johnny
FancyShark
It's nice that, even in a crisis, Johnny finds time to laugh
gellaho
Who has ever heard of a villain telling jokes
gellaho
Just, uh, go to Vegas then Johnny
FancyShark
Are gambling and money laundering typically not associated with each other?
gellaho
"My friends in Vegas wouldn't hire me, I'm actually really terrible at comedy"
FancyShark
Also, wouldn't it be easier to just get a permit to set up a legal casino?
gellaho
"They have comedian puppeteers in residency in Vegas, can you believe that! And they wouldn't hire me!?"
FancyShark
"They hired Buddy Hackett! What the fuck do I have to do?!"
gellaho
Karate!
FancyShark
Then a full page of Nancy and Ned pumping bullets into the criminals
gellaho
Someone named Ben is involved, but I have no idea who that is
FancyShark
Was gonna ask if we'd seen him before
John
Bess has seen too many Caged Heat movies if she thinks they're in a co-ed prison.
gellaho
Then they have a party at the prison?
FancyShark
That's right, kids! Prisons are just rec centers you can't leave!
gellaho
Work Camps you can't leave!
FancyShark
Why would any criminal try to not get caught? They'll just go to camp!
Work Camp
gellaho
We end on liiiiipsss
gellaho
We have defeated The Nancy Drew Files #79: No Laughing Matter
FancyShark
Then they all stripped down for the celebratory fuckfest
