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Keith be creepin
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Keith be creepin
Nobody knows what's funny better than 20-year-old sorority sisters.
"A fur bu-"
"I have mace"
author knew exactly what they were doing with naming him Keith
If you were wondering, Nancy also gets beat unconscious
Equal opportunity
The end
Damn, she got Hardyed.
As she fell to the floor, Nancy realized she hadn't felt so close to Ned since her last concussion.
Crisis averted
"I see the shapes he sees..."
gasp
FUCK!
"Quick, put her in the closet and then do nothing else to trap her.
I begin to suspect Joe takes all the beatings so Frank can remain The Smart One.
I think a missing book is the least of your worries, Nancy.
"Well, she could knock me out. But, drag me into a closet? Nah"
Blood's pooling on the brain. Better find a book.
Bob Saget, Boy Detective.
This is the kind of dark joke I couldn't make land. Bravo.
"WHAT'S THAT BUZZING SOUND?"
"Hey, Nancy, you're head's totally bleeding! Anyway, take these shots to table five"
Giving the first-timer accounting duties and giving away business info? Smart
The IRS doesn't even have to try to audit this place
"oh, by the way, I was assaulted and have head trauma"
Oof, Rusty. Tough go
Nancy Fugue.
Nancy Drew Blood.
Nancy Drughaghogaoaewlfahtunafishhat
Boyfriends and girlfriends on that last name-basis
So like...what was Dan's plan if Nancy's boyfriend's class HADN'T come to the prison?
"Feed me, woman"
I assume this is opportunistic because she has a rep.
THEY MUST FEED
Was he just waiting for someone to come along?
Or does he know all the hot teens?
He'd send an anonymous letter to the Hardys
Signed "Not Suspicious"
"I don't remember yesterday, I wonder why that is"
"How many times did they beat you unconscious?"
"No more than usual."
Flawless plan
Does a computer explode in this one, or not, because girls don't understand how to use them?
"Is this Nancy Drew? Oh my god, you're famous!"
"Fantorelli--hmm, Italian, and thus easily fooled."
"Ey, Bianca, dat youse? Why-a you sound-a like you a-gotta paper onnada face?"
Oh shit, I need to get back to Arthur Avenue.
I can't believe you didn't find anything about this at the library, weird
It's been two years!
Spector did it.
Spector is behind everything.
It is I, the architect of all your pain, Nancy.
Ned's sad because the pop-up books didn't have bibliographies
This is maybe the dumbest way to get caught I've seen
Just leave the gloves, Nancy
"VERY good, Ned," cooed Nancy, feeding him a 'nilla wafer and smoothing his hair.
"Very good, Ned. Tomorrow we'll work on spelling."
lol, dammit, scooped
'93 was basically the year heated ass-seats debuted.
I'M NOT SUSPICIOUS
"But normally you put your head down"
FUCK YEAH
Stakeout head
"Peapod, Ned"
Flawless
Just to be safe, they set demo charges at all the structural weaknesses
A network of computers was plugged in at each support column.
Hey, man, you want some playin' cards? They're fresh
Then she leaves
"You want a child slave? Those we sell on site."
No! Way!
Get the fuck out
Cards and chips!? The brigands!
We're dealing with some scary people here.
If this keeps up, someone might ASK HER TO LEAVE
Tit-glasses
Stern or stern, book?
The Hardys would never reject a snack, for shame
"More lutefisk-mallo for me," she said with a shrug
Why is everyone in this book an implied smokeshow?
Dunno, but I don't know how we can go back
is it me? Am I the horny one? Or is it the author?
You are not alone
"I'll prove that bitch got a fake vacation, if it's the last thing I do"
Either is fine, I just can't tell. It's like when you look at your own hand through a telescope
Except Peter Sands, the sweaty accountant
He's the ballast
And the hateful view of the old Jewish man.
This book hates Peter Sands
What if Peter Sands is Jewish, too? What if this is some exclusive country club shit?
"Huh, weird. Peter doesn't own a Geo."
Whoa, what
They're swinging now
Ned is who Chet is in our hearts
You know that episode of South Park where the Hardy Boys are sexually excited by clues?
Yeah?
Nancy actually has that
Holy shit
It's not even subtle.
It does explain why she's so eager to solve crimes
DIDN'T I SAY
Ned Nickerson: Hedonist
Are you helping my brother get out of prison? How dare you
Everyone has that one ex who was kinda out of their league who didn't know it yet from HS or college.
Ned is just sauntering through his.
Bless him
"I know he might have put him in prison, but I need that sweaty accountant dick"
"He's got the musk"
Peter's dickgame must be strong indeed.
This gesture doesn't really match what she's saying
It's code for their foreplay
@che jakesy, sports revolutionary are ladies really into accountants?
My sister married an accountant. Honestly, he's so cool I couldn't blame her even if he put me in prison.
Smooth
He rehearsed that alibi for hours
Accountants party HARD.
There is somehow more lunch in this than the Hardys
The Hardys graze. Nancy takes actual time to eat
"See, I told you I'd prove that bitch got a fake vacation"
But what if they only paid for the bad part of Hawaii?
Kids love accounting
Golly, it sure is convenient the book explained money laundering at the start
MUUUUUUUUSSSTTTTT EEAAAAAAAT
Bess has spent this whole time going all Bill Hicks on the idiots at the club
Somebody's getting off on this
"Pay attention, Ned"
"Forty year olds hate rock music and juice! It's 1993!"
How is this the most dated book I've read
That is actually odd.
Either they're scouting a unicorn or they just really like the band.
Exclamation points indicate excitement!
Nancy goes back to the bar and finally notices the door marked "CAGE FIGHT ARENA - STAY OUT"
"LET'S FUCK 'EM UP!"
"Hey, it's the guy I saw right before I got incapacitated. I wonder if it's related?"
Nancy slid back the action on her HK-MP5. It was time for justice.
gasp green felt!? How dare they!
Only the most dangerous criminals deal in green felt!
or pool
oh card squares, carry on.
"Ned, get the piano wire, the pliers, and the bottle opener. Momma's gonna work out some tension."
Those damned billiard addicts
"That is, until my bill gets through congress. Then those degenerates won't be able to move those devious felt tables"
"DAMN YOU FELT!"
Nancy's world is going to crumble when she finds out her dad has a monthly game for <$200 with friends.
Red head?
If she enjoyed the feelings she got discovering a clue, wait until she takes her first life.
Redhead?
They said reddish blonde
I'm not seeing it
Which I guess is strawberry blonde? Even though strawberries are blood-red and ginger is sorta beige-blonde?
I think we're overlooking the important fact: Ned stopped eating
Nancy noticed. She knows he needs more training
I'm going to shove her face in that fake vacation
She's black, Ned. Don't be an asshole.
Jesus, Carla, you're talking to teens
Get a backbone
Was Carla the stern lady? Because this is shattering that image
I have to assume Nancy's terrifying reputation makes everyone cave so easily.
Jesus, Carla, you are the cheapest bribe
"I couldn't afford a vacation this year so I sent that guy to prison"
That must have been a hell of a timeshare presentation
"That's right, bitch, you had a fake vacation"
Carla has no idea how close to death she just was.
"Aloha!"
"OH GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!"
Hmmm, let's see what this is about
Nancy signals to Ned to put the chain and dental tools back in the trunk
Keith creepin
Pounding, get it Nancy?
Good music does pound
"I still have mace."
It took all her experience to come up with this conclusion
If Keith had knocked her out, waking up in a closet would not be the outcome I'd expect
What if we're not being speculative and the author really was like, "Well...the kids won't know, but I'll add a subplot about the allure of an older man..."?
Keith sounds like the kind of guy who does knockouts Cosby style.
Are you trying to tell me Carolyn Keene might not be a woman!?
This would ruin my theme!
Are you trying to tell me women don't ever ponder an older man?
Because honestly, all the younger ones I've dated have been more mature than all the cougars.
Anyway, Ned calls the criminal comedy club and just gives up information
Ned, you fuckin' fuck, you don't break chain of command.
Dammit, Ned
Goddammit, Ned
He thinks if he gives information he gets food
This is the kind of thing that gets you beaten with a baseball bat in a scorcese film
This author loves the exclamation
Can't resist the call of the shift+1
Day 2: Nancy continues to run the comedy business books
Nancy Drew: So famous, prisoners know her on sight, but their coworkers do not.
Nancy probably lost her shit when unboxing videos started
It's almost like this is a red herring
Nancy ignores the "REAL DOLL" label on the box
Nancy, just pay the $10
I know you can afford it
Definitely a surprise party.
wait
Okay the CLUB should be the Over the Rainbow.
THAT GODDAMNED ROCK MUSIC!
It's not like that would have been popular for the 40 year olds in 1993
"Damn rock music with the hula hoops and the crystal methadone!"
It's not like there was a lot of rock music when they were teens in the 60s
And whoever heard of Rock n Roll in the 70s!?
I love that this author imagines people dressing up to go to illegal gambling establishments
Nancy is going to investigate some real petty crime and accidentally bust open the Studio 54 of Bayport.
I'd better put on my tux to go to the slot machines on top of the dance club
Sits down next to a chain smoker in grey sweats
If a vice cop covers it, it's not immoral, just sketchy.
This is not how this works
Vice crime is just shit that ought to be regulated rather than outlawed.
"Nancy was teleported to Vegas in the 50s"
Who ever heard of a comedian working in a casino
Exclamation point! Keith! Exclamation point!
Meanwhile, Keith is wondering which organs he can sell to cover his debts
Keith is getting hustled, they're just building up his confidence.
I see the problem. Nancy believed Ned when he told her potato chips and poker chips are the same thing, they just magically become valuable in a casino.
I'M NOT A NARC, HA HA
Women are British, and thus prone to excitable internal monologues.
Okay, now she's stalking Keith on a date. This is turning into Labyrinth.
"Keith was taking the woman home! But she wasn't his wife!"
Keith! Exclamation point!
Smooth moves, Kappa phi.
"But...that's a sin!"
Keith is swearing he's good for the money, he just needs another week.
Pay attention, Nancy
No one's been here in a long time. It must be where they went!
gasp, don't ruin the sketch, Nancy!
And yes, there is somehow a staircase from the illegal gambling den to the stage of the comedy club
you should have expected that
Old speakeasy.
Still funnier than Gallagher
Most of Nancy's crimesolving is literally bumping around blind in the dark.
Wait are we sure this doesn't take place in the 30s?
"Nancy felt like a deer in the headlights of a car, in the lights of the stage"
FaaaAAAAceeesssss
"And me, the au pair!" improvised Nancy.
She felt like it was getting hot. So fucking hot
Then, gunfire
Nancy could benefit from a few improv classes.
Audiences love British characters because they're so excitable.
Immediate next sentence:
Almost had some tension there, thank God
You were fantastic, the way you froze in terror and then ran away.
The awkward silence was masterful!
"Johnny, you own the place."
"Damn comedians! Should execute the lot of them!"
"Uh...Johnny?"
You know, arranging napkins
And the audience just cleared out?
You know comedy clubs, keeping formal place settings
Nancy just seems to come and go from this job. Does she have to punch in or anything?
Exclamation point!
Yes, drawers are usually hollow
"Hey kids, experience all the excitement of Microsoft Excel!"
Don't you bring logic into this
Nancy's got the eye of the tiger
"Should we use our actual initials?"
"Of course. Don't want to falsify any paperwork."
FEAR THE TEEN
"You better start talking, Bianca, or I might lose my temper."
"Awful lot of knives for a surprise party"
Who would believe that a party store would sell poker supplies?
Who's ever heard of large groups of people getting together to play card games at a party?
Parties are for salads
Who would ever associate the name Spector with crime?
Fucking top notch code
Keith's creeping on Bess now
"How long do I have to back off? What, exactly, am I backing off of? If I do what you say, and you return her, can I then back on? Your plan seems hasty."
"You know what? Ned can keep you."
THE JUDGE!
The judge is what she calls her tire iron.
"Well, OK. I'm sure he won't hurt her if we do something"
wow, who could have guessed a guy named Keith O'Brien was an unhinged weirdo
you might as well have named him Stabby McWhiteSupremacist
Nancy, you've been on enough cases to know that hostage-takers always say don't call the cops
You know who's equipped to deal with this? The cops
"Not even toast can raise my spirits"
Then another blow to the back of the head
either that or the hot chocolate is poisoned
"Ugh, why do I have to wait!?"
"Now I have to wait and not set up a trap!"
What, why would they clear up the evidence! That's so mean!
Despair from the evidence going missing, not from a friend being in mortal danger
Solid evidence there, bud
And look, it even has a full confession signed by all the culprits etched into it!