The Book Cage: Episode 142
Black in Time
A black militant, a black history nerd, and a white supremacist walk into a time machine. A temporal tug of war ensues. Written in 1970 by literary giant John Jakes, this novel imagines a futuristic 1977, featuring roaming bands of racially charged gangs. Is John Jakes the right man for this story? Almost certainly not. Is this a mistake? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
Mother of god
Fuck. Yes.
This is going to be awful
Black
In
Time
A thoughtful examination of time and race
The only thing that can save the time-space continuum is checks notes a centrist???
Maybe let's not save the space time continuum then, we'd have to hear them be smug about it for eternity
Y'know, do we need the linear flow of time? Would a centrist not try to bothsides temporal chaos anyway?
I can't find it now but I'm pretty sure the advertising for a new season or book of Red Dwarf had the tagline "The Space-Time Continuum Continuums..."
which to 12 year old me was the funniest joke ever written
oh no
I love how the black militant doesn't just want to create equality, he wants black global domination! It's clearly counterrevolutionary propaganda
Please never describe a book cage book as counter revolutionary propaganda ever again namaste
They all are, if you think about it
Debatable.
Oh no, I cannot stress this enough
Do not under any circumstances google John jakes
You're not my real dad
I've seen worse
What is it we're concerned with here? We've already survived Dragonard.
Oh well then moving on
I think it'd be a great idea. You'll find a very happy grandpa
WHOM WE KILLED
He knows what he did during the war
We didn't know what treasure we held. Nor what power.
Vooster and I won't be able to make it for the read this Friday (sorry!) but I'm looking forward to reading everyone's riffs
It's Yiik all over again!
Yes.
Unacceptable
Coming up on the top of the hour, it's Black in Time. Here is your preview
"But Sally, you're a ginger"
So it was God that did it!
Finally, we'll get a white man's opinion on race struggles
BOOK
TELL ME DOCTOR
WHERE ARE WE GOING THIS TIME
Let's begin this regrettable adventure
CAGE
Hi, @Velo, Juice Criminal !
Hi, @gellaho !
Hi, @Ferroday is a Kamen Rider fan !
Hi @FancyShark !
Have some poetry
Can't stay for long, but glad to catch some of this!
Langston Hughes is surely fine with everything that happens next
Meanwhile, in ancient Rome
Yeah, you gotta cook in the hypnolearner for longer than that
Dammit. We're back in Megalopolis
Fuck
Knees weak, arms are heavy. Mom's spaghetti
Let's go Black to the Future, Marty!
More comedians need to be beefy
HELLO, @Brendan !
What did Langston Hughes think of this book?
ah yes that famously Roman name "Harold"
His corpse could not be reached for comment
Dammit 🍨
See, this is a good trick. Now no one can say there was no good writing in this book.
Wait what are we doing? Is the book starting with a holodeck sequence so Patrick Stewart can show off how good he looks in horseriding gear?
No scoop. Only solidarity
Well, he's from the future you see
Hi, @Dyosy !
Hi, @Tom strips for action! !
The sickly playwrite throws a tantrum about eunuchs
"No, the past is fine, Marty, you fixed everything! It's your KIDS! Yours and Jennifer's children, Marty! They brought home Black boyfriends in the future the liberals waaaaant!"
Actors, amirite?
"your voice is resonating with the girth of your non-removed penis! You need to inhabit the role!"
He's a banana?
Kill the actors
Saving this. I'm sure it won't be needed at some point in the book
You're in Rome, Harold. They kill slaves because they got bored during the slave execution
The Freylinghausen directive
Haha so the way we avoid causing paradoxes in this time travel story is that the time travelers have promised to do their best to avoid it
A time travel agency with all the rigor of a school getting the kids to sign an anti bullying pledge
You up? Send me a parchment depicting your Publius Terentius.
Gigged out
Hadn't they noticed his Big Gulp?
Game of Thrones s8 with the visible coffee cups
"The actors are gay" seems to be the subtext of this supertext.
Don't you hate it when your time belt runs out of batteries
Had they not partaken of his satchel of patented Cool Ranch spiced potato chiplings?
Christ guys, if you need to give your time travel an audible warning, at least give him an inner ear-piece so no one else can hear it
Humanities majors, amirite?
Sharkicus! You have arrived in time to sample thou a Baja Blast dormouse!
I mean come the fuck on, what is this Mickey Mouse operation
Prithee imbibe thyself with copious Slush of bluest raspberry, brother!
I don't even trust people to picnic by a river without ruining it, why are we letting college students wander a pivotal city unsupervised?
Now time for the standard post-time travel disrobing
They signed an NDA
He's a professor, sir
Weird aside about the boxers
Wearing white boxers is a power move, regardless of time or place
It's a mark of confidence
Confidence in digestion
But who are the militant brothers and why don't they peek?
The nerdiest of all nerds
"What shall we name our son?"
"Well, I hate him. So let's call him Norval."
I don't feel we have enough knowledge of this setting to describe a guy as a troll without specifying whether that is literal
For all I know this is an Artemis Fowl book and the LEP Recon is testing their new time machine invented by genius centaur Foaly
Harold Quigley has successfully proven a playwright was black
Or would have if he had any evidence
"I brought back proof. Here's a fistful of his pit hair."
So it's a guy we already knew was black? Great to know they're trusting you with the important jobs, Harold
I'm actually pro this because whitewashing historical figures is a thing.
I AGONIZED over how to depict Hannibal and still pissed people off.
The proud HBCU Ruggles
oof
Oh yeah for sure, it's just weird they specified that it was a guy they already had every reason to believe was black
Freylinghausen isn't like the other professors. He's a COOL white guy.
I appreciate him saying "Don't talk like a horrible stereotype", but John, don't bring bullshit like "reverse racism" into this
The Pent hates temporal penetration
I AM THE NOBLEST MAN TO EVER WALK THE EARTH
Let them try to stop me!
And if anyone tries to steal my world shattering invention? My pacifism will not allow me to use any form of violence! Not even in self defence!
I should point out that this future is in 1977
The book was written in 1970
So this level of technology is insane
I think that makes John Jakes a pretty early adopter of reverse racism, right?
Too much of a nerd for the revolution
Bookworm kink?
A hind tit
Whitey had divorces by the dozen
It's a fun future
John, you don't have to do this
John you don't have to do any of this
The only thing that can cure this shattered nation is proving that Shakespeare was black
I believe in you John. You're gonna solve racism.
The villain of the piece
Are we sure this book wasn't written with consulting from the writer of Bill O'Reilly's comic book?
They call me-
White Devil, Black Jesus
Heaven closes, Hell freezes
Hi, @ProfessorRocketsurgeon !
This is honestly going better than I expected a '70s book by a middle-aged white guy to come at this.
Aw, come on. The parade should be fun
Anyway, off to his sister's party
If every gathering leads to bloodshed, that's more of a cult than a rally
Oh a populist with a racially divisive message and large crowds of violent followers
Seems weird for him to be called Gator when he didn't play for Florida, but sure
Everyone's acting like it's totally normal to expend the sum energy of a universe just to confirm academic racism is a thing.
"Welcome back, Not Like the Others, it's 5 pm, let's have a martini, eh, old boy?"
"So how was ANCIENT ROME?"
Yeah how is no one else interested in time travel. This is just weird
Harold could really spice up these family dinners by telling them which relatives were or weren't there before his last outing
Rome's first king was probably Black anyway, I guess double-check the actors too while you're down there.
Ah, the European style of smoking pot
Little Che is adorable
Good on them for employing a tiny guy for their bodyguard
The little yellow man
He's a Lego man
You hire a big guy when you fear you'll be attacked. You hire a little guy when you KNOW you'll be attacked.
A little clunky of an acronym
Crazy little guys are STAB STAB STAB
Attackers still haven't figured out a counter to the Fastball Special
Which other words are white jargon, I wonder
Harold stops to get a boner
Jeff Bezos: Black liberator from Sears oppression
I'm too white for this book. What the hell is a haunchbaby
She's either wearing a virgin-killer sweater or Harold loses his mind at every ugly sweater contest
Jomo has never fire bombed a Walmart
Virgin killer sweater is hot as hell but maybe too much to wear for any party that's not starting out as an orgy
I'm sure Gator will be just fine
Oh, wait nevermind
Gator is the Kramer of the 70s
Oopsie
"you're not a militant"
"I'm a militant Jerry!"
"What's Gator doing?"
"He's a militant!"
"You're a militant?"
"I'm a militant!"
I'll take my 4 million dollars now please
The cryptopatriotic church
The most realistic time travel novel is we solved the zero-point dimension but didn't stop doing tribal ape white people shit.
I hope the racist leader is an actual whisk
Another update on Harold's boner
Yeah but why aren't the racists going back in time to help Hitler or what the fuck ever
Good to check in
The novel isn't named "White in Time"
It seems like time travel is in the hands of Good Liberals who will not let harm be done but will also not amend harms extant.
A strategy that will never backfire
It's a bold move
White on Time is TM and C me right now
Jomo lol jesus fucking Christ this is going to rule
Oh wow. So maybe you could use the time travel technology for personal reasons if you beat up the professor?
This is an unexpected security risk
It's so obvious. But of course the Pentagon wouldn't consider using violence to get what they want.
You are very bad at lying, Harold
Hi, @jakesy, the faithless !
Like it's not even a secret
He just blabs about time travel to his black panther friends and he's shocked they're considering using it
What could go wrong?
And that's my cue. Have a great read, everyone! Don't beat up a college professor to steal a time machine!
Malinger and coocoos
What if the professor was hot after she cut off her Afro?
I just want this book to end with Jesus leaping into the Time Sphere and being like "I'm Black and NONE OF YOU LISTENED TO MY COMMANDMENTS!" and then Harvard goes to Hell.
That damned Danish porno
sorry, the Time Engine is staffed by low-rent, out-the-door private sector?
lol the danish, known for their porn
I dunno, man, the Danish girls I dated, they have my attention.
The nerdy professor Freylinghausen doesn't trust security. And teaches everyone he invites to use the time machine how to operate it. For some reason
Well then plainly each incursion creates a separate channel.
That's gotta hurt with all the blood in his dick from the Danish pornography
Causality proven. Each Hitler assassination creates a hypertime parallax.
GO JOMO GO
He kicked the guard in the dick, no jomo
That's not a way anyone pronounces it, but sure
He kicked THE MAN in the dick
No quarter for traitors GO JOMO
We're gonna unfuck the timeline, let's go kill white hegemony, Rooster, TAKE MY HAND
They're currently hiding a guy who shot a cop in the past
Maybe LC is Danny Brown, we don't know.
He's a little kobold
Maybe don't give your guests a four hour instructional lecture about your secret technology
This is how we trip over our own tie into Mormonism.
No one uses time travel except one department of one university who use it to prove that certain whitewashed historical figures were actually nonwhite
Went blooey is the technical term
The main character is shocked that his friends want him to use his time travel powers for any other purpose
Not kidding, that's the real plot
That's not
The time machine is used for whatever research projects the inventor approves of
Haha well that's the only one we saw anyway
Things not going great in Nawlins
The point is it's research only and it's got less security than some universities I've seen that DON'T have a real time travel machine
I had to check and L.C. is right, that is a very bad time to be in New Orleans for a number of reasons, not least of which is THIS being about to happen
Oh hey it's happening
It's fine I'm sure Andrew Jackson was very enlightened
Uh oh
Hang on let me google andrew jackson real quick
He's not good at dates
… Why do that at all though!
1816 would be equally fucked without the possibility of canon fire
Where's the fun in that though
Seems like a fine gentleman
Hommes de colour
Gator's rethinking this time travel thing
LOL
Kill him
Please
Kill Andrew Jackson
Fuck now the Australian knows
Time to travel ten days into the future
Ten days
Isn't that when Jackson established a mini dictatorship in New Orleans?
Jakes keeps describing people as "yellow" regardless of their ethnicity, so I think all these people are just jaundiced
He's on our money!
What's worse, being Andrew Jackson or being Tom Jefferson and being like "MAN, I wish I weren't in debt so I could stop committing a crime against humanity, it's just, you GUYS, it's soooooo hard!"
That's cool you can just say 10 miles north instead of needing to input precise coordinates to avoid arriving embedded in a rock or something
This 1970s technology is great
And started jailing journalists and people who disagreed with him and there was a lot of disease and- yep
Titties out for victory
Hell yeah
Lady why are you asking
You've been here this whole time
It's been ten days
Gator your immune system isn't ready for what's in that building
Uh…is "dumpling-breasted" a complement or an insult
Pittsylvania U
God damn it Gator
Hard to tell, but the word does not lend itself well to eroticism
Like is it a synonym of flapjack titties
Depends on your opinion of dumplings
Gator then drunkenly tries to run his booze in for a touchdown, but winds up in jail instead
I feel like Gator is a liability to the movement
I've seen a lot of people fuck up their first day of tine travel, but none failed quite so completely and stupidly as that
Harold leaves Gator passed out in jail
I think the idea is to just wait a month and grab him at that exact moment
Just "wooo football wooo" as he tackles everyone in sight
What are you, Harold, a sorcerer?
Yeah assuming you can get the timing right, time travel should allow you to hide this guy for any length of time in your real life and then go back for him at the moment you left him
But these guys are idiots so Harold warps into a battle, and Gator is a different kind of idiot where a moment is all he needs to get himself killed
Uh oh, the klan has taken his sister's house
Sorry, I was busy watching Hallmark's one Black Christmas movie, what'd I mis--OH.
But if you get the timing WRONG he's drifting in space watching earth recede.
Tits out for racism
This tracks with the election.
Didn't he do this in Dragonard?
Rouged nips gun moll?
There were be-makeupped titties, yes
Nothing in the timeline has changed yet
No, if you eliminate the Civil War, the immediate dominant fashion in southern climes becomes tits out with rouge for modesty.
This is the past the leftists (Me) want!
Then she sprays him with the joker gas
Wiggle that bosom, racist!
Harold passes out several more times
bop those kidneys, thugs!
Into the sci-fi racism church
That is very active at 5am
Ok wait what the fuck is this girl wearing? Some kind of leather thing with nipple holes?
And it's such awell known clothing item that Whisk has talked about it in his speeches?
Maybe it's like that thing Janet Jackson wore at the Superbowl but with the boob coverings intentionally removed?
Maybe?
It's a very subtle depiction
This reminds Harold of the time his family was visited by the literal Klan
