gellaho
And now: the ass chronicles
142: Black in Time John Jakes
Tags:
A black militant, a white supremacist, and a time-travel device tangle in a fight to rewrite history and eternity!
Archive
gellaho
gellaho
Velo, Juice Criminal
Sure yeah this makes sense as a thing to happen
Dyosy
The unrealistic part is that the white supremacist reverend is interested in an adult.
gellaho
Ah, the old elaborate racist stained glass hiding a cell
gellaho
gellaho
That old trick
Tom strips for action!
Also weird that he's fine with her going around town openly topless. Not like these conservative racist freaks have ever displayed possessive tendancies towards their women's bodies or anything
Brendan
Occasionally they venture into legal territory if the brain be molded into Hate after its plasticity fades.
Tom strips for action!
lol "everyone at the last supper was white except Judas" is an insane take and yet I fully believe someone has said it
Brendan
Jakes understands 2024 America.
gellaho
Don't poop around with me
Areze
you usually pay extra for pooping with someone
gellaho
Really makes you think
Tom strips for action!
I'm calling it now, Whisk is going to want to use time travel to go back to the garden of eden and replace Adam to remold humanity in his own image
Like Hitler in Time Belt
Ska Slut noiretoon
"Outside the main gate of the Buick plant in Flint Michigan I dreamed of a purifyin' holy war" is real Bob Dylan lyricism
gellaho
Turned into a youth minister in the middle with that "Jesus is the man!"
Ska Slut noiretoon
The original script for HBO's Watchmen really needed that second editing pass
gellaho
They threaten his sister, so he gives up the time machine
Tom strips for action!
So Whisk knew about the time travel machine, like everyone does, but finds it impossible that someone could use it
Tom strips for action!
Actually yeah haha you could be right
gellaho
Which he didn't need to do because the building starts exploding
gellaho
Oh no, hoisted upon my racist petard!
Tom strips for action!
Racism is wrong because black people can get up early if there's a racist to kill. I don't know how I feel about this
gellaho
The littlest bunker
gellaho
gellaho
They get Sally out and leave
This was a terrible plan, Jomo
Dyosy
And then Quigley honored his sister's strength by telling the bad guy everything immediately.
gellaho
Jomo decides to change time into his own image
gellaho
Harold passes out again
Velo, Juice Criminal
Smart, Jakes, really 'both sides' this one as much as possible
gellaho
And again
Velo, Juice Criminal
So Harold is the only one stupid enough to go back to the war of 1812
gellaho
Dr Nerd does not take too kindly to the kidnapping
gellaho
TALK TO THE TIME MACHINE
gellaho
This time machine must be set up to only target armies
gellaho
Diana turns into Catwoman
Velo, Juice Criminal
I think the Time Machine is trying to kill them
Brendan
Hey, where are we at on constantly describing people as bronze vs various brown foods?
gellaho
Jomo has a very bold plan
gellaho
So, they go to 1591 just to visit this empire before it falls. I guess Jomo wanted some flavor for the next step of the plan
Tom strips for action!
Aka Jakes didn't want to waste any of his research
gellaho
Because the actual plan is to stop the Moors from invading by - checks notes - killing Mohammad
Velo, Juice Criminal
He had to go to library for this, damn it
Velo, Juice Criminal
This is the opposite of killing whitey
gellaho
One of these days, pow! Right to the moon
Tom strips for action!
I think inevitable is the wrong word for what he's saying there
gellaho
Anyway, Jomo misses. Probably because he was trying to snipe someone with a handgun
gellaho
This setback causes Jomo to want to go back to the Foundation and learn - checks notes - the entirety of black history
Brendan
Every time I return to this from my dinner, it's the same heist scene.
gellaho
Luckily, they have magic knowledge machines that nobody seems to use
Velo, Juice Criminal
Really not a fan of "His teeth blazed in the moonlight."
gellaho
As they leave, a camel blows raspberries at them
gellaho
Your dentist would be very disappointed in your lack of enthusiasm for dental hygiene
Brendan
Why don' they just use those machines to teach white people empathy and history without time travel?
Seems lower energy cost.
gellaho
Freylinghausen mimes his displeasure
Velo, Juice Criminal
Everyone in this book is dumb as shit
gellaho
Freylinghausen then has a very long breakdown
gellaho
Which ends with him talking about his junk
gellaho
Tom strips for action!
Chocolate coloured ass
Brendan
The bronze of foods
gellaho
Dr Freylinghausen immediately folds when Jomo threatens to burn the building
Brendan
I dunno, I'm still pro rewrite history and erase world religions.
gellaho
The building with nine basements. Made out of marble
Tom strips for action!
Hey hang on why hasn't Freylinghausen gone back in time from the future and prevented this misuse of his time machine from happening
Brendan
Because he's apparently pro-Neo kung-fu time heist.
gellaho
I mean, that's not really true
He wasn't exactly subtle about the white supremacists
gellaho
Turns out conking out and learning for several hours might have been a bad idea
Velo, Juice Criminal
Harold what the fuck else would it be
The fruit punch pipe burst! We spilled ketchup everywhere!
Damn unreliable red fountain pens
Tom strips for action!
I know he's just swallowing nervously but it looks like he swallows the blood to identify it
Like Terminator 3
Velo, Juice Criminal
I actually didn't realize that what he was meant to be doing
gellaho
Probably shouldn't have told the white supremacists about the time machine
gellaho
Tom strips for action!
They knew about the time machine
Everyone knew
No one thought to do this before now
Ska Slut noiretoon
Harold told everyone he met about the time machine because it's the most interesting thing about him
gellaho
The Bongs and Gongs of time
Tom strips for action!
To be fair it would be the most interesting thing about most people, but especially so for him
"what do you do for a living?"
"I used to run high stakes card games at the casino, but now I time travel."
Velo, Juice Criminal
Someone's going to assassinate Lincoln before this book is over
Tom strips for action!
The casino thing is GOOD, I'm sure there are plenty of stories, but you're going to ask about the time travel first
gellaho
Tom strips for action!
Harold!
They are killing Lincoln!
Focus!
gellaho
Dr Freylinghausen starts unconsciously farting
Tom strips for action!
But then they'll go further back in time to stop us stop them
gellaho
Harold erection update:
Velo, Juice Criminal
On an unrelated note I just found out John Jakes wrote the lyrics for a Dracula musical
gellaho
DAMN YOUR TIGHT PANTS
Ska Slut noiretoon
"his plantation grin" oh fuck off, book
gellaho
Turns out Whisk's plan is to shoot a small canon at the white house
Velo, Juice Criminal
I mean that would probably do it, yeah
Glass wasn't exactly bulletproof
Ska Slut noiretoon
Had to remind myself that 'punk' had a different meaning back then
Brendan
When does Rex Moran show up?
Velo, Juice Criminal
Actually I don't think the White House had a fence at this point
You could probably just walk in
gellaho
Karate time
Tom strips for action!
Why is that guy exploding coins like a video game
gellaho
Whisk is now a cartoon prospector
Velo, Juice Criminal
I checked and yeah Whisk could have just walked into the White House
Ska Slut noiretoon
In order to date Diane, Harold must defeat her seven evil race supremacist exes
Dyosy
They didn't really stop you until Garfield died.
Tom strips for action!
I forget, is this a Terminator time machine where you can't carry a bunch of stuff with you?
gellaho
DAMN YOUR TIGHT PANTS
Velo, Juice Criminal
Nope they can carry tons of shit
Dyosy
Hmm. I'm starting to think Jakes may have had a preference.
Tom strips for action!
Silly of the white supremacists to not bring some modern weaponry then
Velo, Juice Criminal
Actually they didn't stop people for good until 1940, and then they just never reopened it
Tom strips for action!
Nah it's fine, just aim the cannon at the building across the street
gellaho
A captain gets trampled by his own horse
Brendan
Why didn't Lincoln try to secede before his shooting
Velo, Juice Criminal
Whisk's definitely dumb, that's clearly on purpose
gellaho
Makes you wonder why the name "The War Between the States" never caught on
Brendan
Didn't some comedian have a bit about white supremacists who knew more Black history than anyone?
gellaho
And off to Whisk's next racist scheme
Next week
Tom strips for action!
How are they gonna tie this up I wonder
gellaho
Bake sale
Tom strips for action!
Is Whisk gonna get schooled by Black Jesus at the end?
That could be fun
Ska Slut noiretoon
I hope when the DeLorean hits the cast of this book it doesn't even slow down
Velo, Juice Criminal
Thank you @gellaho !
Great riffing everyone!
May all your time travel be non-racist
Tom strips for action!
Oh yeah lol forgot to say thanks @gellaho
Brendan
Gellaho, I do not thank you. All of your labors have beleaguered the sacred timeline with white supremacy we'd abandoned to time. May Black Jesus have mercy on your soul, because I do not. Thank you and no thank you, goodnight.
gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode 142.5
Black in Time - Part 2
Our comically racist villain and black militant frenemy have both received the gift of time travel thanks to the incompetency of our black theater nerd protagonist. Now that the black militant's attempted assassination of Muhammad via handgun and the white supremacist's early murder of Abraham Lincoln have failed, where do we go from here? Probably nowhere productive, but the ride continues unabated this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Brendan
oh noooooo
gellaho
Coming up at the next hour, it's the conclusion of Black in Time. Here is where we left off
gellaho
Here's where we're going
Velo, Juice Criminal
Oh dear god
Velo, Juice Criminal
BOOK CAGE
gellaho
Nose back up against the grindstone
Velo, Juice Criminal
Hi @gellaho !
gellaho
Indeed, hello to my own event
The Latin department is a little lacking
Velo, Juice Criminal
It's pretty far from Canada, Professor
gellaho
That hypnolearner sure does wonders for the narrative
Velo, Juice Criminal
In Time
Do you get it
Brendan
Let's do a Time-UHC on some ofay motherfuckers!
Velo, Juice Criminal
Hi @Brendan !
Brendan
Hi, Velo, which Christmas ghost are you?
gellaho
Just chasing the dastardly white supremacists through time
Brendan
Tell them Professor Lacksdale says "Tempus fugitive," then wink. They'll get it.
gellaho
I have some questions about how a plant can be "listless"
Velo, Juice Criminal
Lazy ass tree
gellaho
Whisk's attempt at masquerading as an abolitionist is less than stellar
Brendan
Well I don't like this Whisk chap one bit.
Velo, Juice Criminal
I'm starting to think he might be bad
gellaho
"Please leave me alone with your abolishonist manuscript, I am not from the future"
gellaho
"He was bent over a secretary" is a lot less exciting when you realize he means a desk
Velo, Juice Criminal
Is he just burning the manuscript? That's his plan?
gellaho
It's gone downhill from assassinating Lincoln with a cannon
Velo, Juice Criminal
Whisk has terrible plans
gellaho
Harold saves Uncle Tom's Cabin with his ass
gellaho
Off to the next adventure
Brendan
THE DEVIL
Velo, Juice Criminal
Whisk has a lot of terrible qualities but let us not forget that he is, first and foremost, a quitter
Brendan
It's actually a virtue when you're a piece of crap!
gellaho
This seems a little haphazard for traveling through time
gellaho
Just put it wherever, I'm sure we'll end up in the same place
Maybe it would have been good to miss
Brendan
And with that, Maine lost its Black resident.
gellaho
Harold uses this whipping as an excuse to whine about how weak a man he is
Brendan
Well this is hardly an improvement. He went from racist assault victim to racist assault spectator.
gellaho
Time to save Frederick Douglass from time white supremacists
gellaho
Harold takes a moment from this historic moment to pop a boner
gellaho
Brendan
I feel like now is the time for Fred to have a name with our narrator.
gellaho
Darn that rascally Whisk
gellaho
Whisk's inexplicable racist expositing is interrupted by slipping and falling off the roof
Velo, Juice Criminal
Whisk is the worst time traveler, and not just because of the racism
gellaho
This has turned into a cartoon
Velo, Juice Criminal
He just screamed he was a time traveler and then fell off a roof
gellaho
And now: karate
Brendan
Couldn't they avoid this entire chase by just time traveling to Whisk's youth and being nice to him so he doesn't grow up to be a Time Prick?
gellaho
Their time belts are connected, so he'd just follow them there
Harold's self-defeatist attitude has enraptured Diana, I guess
Velo, Juice Criminal
Ladies love it when you're self aware enough to know you suck and everything is meaningless and you didn't ask for any of this, man
gellaho
Next up: a Quaker meeting
Velo, Juice Criminal
Please be Benjamin Lay
Please
gellaho
Whisk's plan this time: walk up to Ben Franklin and strangle him to death in front of a crowd
Velo, Juice Criminal
Oh
Brendan
He's gone full Tasmanian devil.
Velo, Juice Criminal
Honestly that's better than most of his plans have been so far
Brendan
Pinballing through time.
gellaho
Thee are not a nice person
Velo, Juice Criminal
I feel like that's pretty late for people to be saying thee
Brendan
I don't think the author of The Bastard really has a handle on Colonial speech yet.
gellaho
This has just kinda turned into a blaxploitation movie
Velo, Juice Criminal
I can't tell if this is Jakes phoning it in or trying as hard as he can
gellaho
Oh, you don't think the man who came up with Tingo Spellhands has a grasp on Quaker speech from the 1700s?
Velo, Juice Criminal
He looked up three anti slavery people and that is all the research he'll be doing
gellaho
Jomo leads them outside where he and Harold have a bout of "A-huh, nuh-uh!"
Brendan
He wrote 600 pages in this exact setting.
A guy walks into your church with a pistol, and fucking Josiah starts bloviating on the design and deeper meaning.
Velo, Juice Criminal
Harold was moved by Jomo's pain. Not enough to do anything about it, of course, but he did get a tummy ache
gellaho
To be fair, Quakers did do the "thee" thing
Dyosy
"It is wrong to kill the white supremacists that have repeatedly tried to murder both us and historical figures."
gellaho
Anyway, Harold tells the white supremacist that he can turn off his homing signal. I guess in the hopes that Jomo might calm down? It's a bad plan
Velo, Juice Criminal
Hi @Dyosy !
I'm starting to think Harold is the real villain of this story
gellaho
Made even worse when Ben Franklin bumbles his way out and causes them all to fall down
Brendan
If we kill the time-traveling genocidist we're just as bad as he is.
If this gun goes off and accidentally kills Franklin before he can write the Ten Commandments, we're boned.
gellaho
John Jakes, you were a national treasure
Brendan
Whisk is on meth, it's the only explanation.
Dyosy
Now I understand why he's opposed to killing. It's cause everyone sucks at it.
gellaho
Vengeance is mine!
Uh, on second thought, I got places to be
Brendan
Vengeance is mine implies it's his to enjoy at his leisure
Velo, Juice Criminal
The plot armor is just Whisk's crippling ADD
gellaho
A great retort
gellaho
Jomo's a little tired of Harold's shit
Brendan
Ted Haggarding through time.
gellaho
And now cops from the present show up
gellaho
The cops seem confused about how they got here
Velo, Juice Criminal
Same
gellaho
This is a very funny exchange
Dyosy
Wait, if that's Ben Franklin there is a good chance to fix the mistakes of the past. They should tell him he has positive and negative reversed in his electrical work
gellaho
Then the Philadelphians start throwing things
gellaho
Some things never change
Velo, Juice Criminal
Philadelphians are about to invent batteries to throw
gellaho
The Philadelphia outweighs the Quaker pacifism
gellaho
Then the cops' crotches get absolutely destroyed
Brendan
Don't play coy with me, Poor Richard
gellaho
And now, off to watch Aesop. Who I guess is black
Velo, Juice Criminal
Why
Brendan
TIME PIGS
gellaho
There is a lengthy bit in Wikipedia about this
gellaho
What
gellaho
I don't know what that means
Brendan
TIME SLAVERS
Honest to God, just hand the Arawak people RPGs and see where it takes us.
Longmile, bigfoot cutout owner
I know I've missed a goodly chunk of this, but since the whole premise is that they can change the present by altering the past, has the good professor ever addressed how doing things like, for example, inciting a crowd to kill a bunch of cops and leaving them in the past to die with their advanced tech and weapons might kinda harsh the vibe in his own time?
gellaho
After a lengthy discussion, Jomo decides to go back to his original plan of changing history
Velo, Juice Criminal
Harold you actively helped someone who is trying to restore slavery, we are not accepting notes from you
gellaho
Harold attempts to follow, but just ends up getting a black eye and they turn off their indicators
Velo, Juice Criminal
Good
gellaho
John Jakes operates on more of a vibes-based storytelling
Harold takes some time to examine his manhood and blackness whilst an army is running at him
gellaho
But, at the end of the day, it's really about his dick. Same old song and dance
gellaho
Fffflub
Brendan
Harold, I think you can do better than Diana, she is abusive to you.
gellaho
He then has an argument with his erection
Velo, Juice Criminal
Could he do better? Probably. Does Harold, the man actively defending a white supremacist tying to bring back slavery, deserve better? No.
gellaho
Love!? In Boston!? You disgust me!
gellaho
Harold grabs a 10 year old to try and prevent the first slave ship from reaching America
Velo, Juice Criminal
It's kind of hard to do that from Boston but okay
gellaho
It goes about as well as expected. Harold gets a bottle of rum to the dome
Brendan
Something something sacred timeline
Velo, Juice Criminal
Harold's plan would work if Boston was the only port in America and if Captain Smith was the only captain and if slavery was a wacky coincidence
Longmile, bigfoot cutout owner
Calling this a plan is…generous
gellaho
Then he goes to Jamestown, but can't understand anyone because it's 1619
Velo, Juice Criminal
Among many problems is that the British owners of the colonies (mostly called land grants back then, occasionally patents or charters) had been trying to introduce slavery to them for decades
Harold I swear to god
If you kill everyone in Jamestown
Also, Harold, that person is just Scottish
gellaho
When that also doesn't work, he goes to the far-off future of 1890
Velo, Juice Criminal
HAROLD WHY WOULD THAT BE SAFE
Brendan
He should just walk around telling everyone he's a Moorish prince to slice through this bullshit.
Velo, Juice Criminal
Isn't Harold supposed to know history now?!
gellaho
Unfortunately, New York is on fire
Brendan
Is there a reason he can only seek safety in incredibly dangerous times?
Velo, Juice Criminal
HAROLD
Harold it is on fire, a large part of it is going to explode, and Jim Crow is rigidly enforced
What the fuck are you doing Harold
gellaho
And a warzone
Velo, Juice Criminal
Harold feels like a prank