142: Black in Time John Jakes

gellaho

It's all very gory and scatalogical now

Brendan

I guess it's safe unless you're a cop.

He specifically asked to be taken to a time when nobody would point guns at him

Longmile, bigfoot cutout owner

Maybe the computer also hates him

gellaho

Who could say

gellaho

I'm beginning to think John just doesn't know what yellow is

Velo, Juice Criminal

I'm starting to worry John doesn't know how time works

gellaho

He's described hispanics, blacks, and whites as yellow so I guess there's just a lot of jaundice in this universe

Velo, Juice Criminal

Jake's fucked with the color balance on his tv and never went outside, got it

Brendan

Move through time ogling its hottest women, what's he missing?

sidebar: I think half the Cracked vets have a "Time Fuckers" skit they never did anything with. I can think of four right now.

gellaho

That was a thoroughly unpleasant section of the book, ending with a kid's brains exploding on a brick wall. I'll save you from that

Then he goes to see Booker-T speak

He guessed right and finds Jomo and Diana attempting to dynamite him

Velo, Juice Criminal

Oh right, cartoon

It's been a while since someone was so clearly not the protagonist, Harold

Longmile, bigfoot cutout owner

This dude lit four sticks of dynamite. In his hand. And they're just standing there with them.

gellaho

I don't know what you are talking about

Brendan

If he goes to the future and meets Steele, I'm going to flip

Longmile, bigfoot cutout owner

So the rest of the book is just about Whisk enjoying the racist dystopia he creates because Harold blew himself and the others to bits.

Not the direction I thought it'd go, but credit where it's due. Jakes made Harold a handwringing, incompetent putz and he rode that to its logical conclusion.

gellaho

I don't see anything cartoonish about forty police officers getting tangled up in leashes

Velo, Juice Criminal

Fuck off pig. You think Jomo cares? Jomo doesn't fucking care

Dyosy

"Diana's moist hand."

gellaho

Harold's boner returns

gellaho

Brendan

Gotta hand it to Jakes, he is on the side of the oppressed.

Velo, Juice Criminal

This book would be so much more interesting if someone shot Harold in the back of his head right now

Longmile, bigfoot cutout owner

What was it like being associated with the Muslims.

…

gellaho

Then Harold calls Jomo black Hitler

gellaho

gellaho

I'm assuming in relation to the Community gag

gellaho

This sends Jomo into overdrive, and he accomplishes a lot very quickly

First he goes back to 1977 and kidnaps Harold's sister for some reason

gellaho

And immediately kills Mohammed

gellaho

Velo, Juice Criminal

…

Is Whisk dead?

Longmile, bigfoot cutout owner

But now how will Diana tell Harold what it was like to have been associated with the Muslims?

gellaho

Off to 1977 to discover the Institute no longer exists

Dyosy

I still don't understand why Islam is responsible for white supremacy

Brendan

Wait JOMO kills Muhammed?

Longmile, bigfoot cutout owner

I don't understand why people dying because Jomo tried to stop slavery is bad, but people dying because Whisk wants super duper slavery is a risk Harold is willing to take. And also help to ensure.

Dyosy

Oh that's cause Harold sucks.

Longmile, bigfoot cutout owner

Aaaaah

gellaho

Jomo's theory is that the moores invading the Songhay empire prevented that African empire from spreading throughout the world

gellaho

He tried earlier in the book and failed

Anyway, now the highways are made of chrome, which seems terrible for visibility

gellaho

I can't imagine this vehicle is very stable

Longmile, bigfoot cutout owner

Jesus fuck

gellaho

They split up with Harold and his sister going south to see if their parents still exist. They find a newspaper

gellaho

Brendan

This is insane.

Velo, Juice Criminal

I would like to say for the record that when I said I wanted this book to be the next one in the book cage I had no way of knowing this would happen

gellaho

Based on this and the weird vehicles from On Wheels, John Jakes has a very strange understanding of the automobile

Dyosy

How could you not foresee Upsetting Wakanda?

gellaho

I don't know if you remember On Wheels, but John Jakes and cars equals some crazy ass shit

Brendan

WHY DO THEY SPEAK ENGLISH

gellaho

Those people drove in jetpowered cars and died if they ever went below 55mph, this doesn't even approach that

gellaho

Like I said, vibes-based time travel

Longmile, bigfoot cutout owner

I thought we were gonna build up to terrible. I thought we were building up.

This is like turning the knob from 6 to 48

Brendan

In Black alternate history, everyone drives Slingshots with Maori shields for grills.

gellaho

It's their PT Cruiser

Harold becomes immediately bored of this radical future

Velo, Juice Criminal

Harold decides to judge a man from a timeline he's unfamiliar with

Harold calls someone else milquetoast and shot be killed by the irony

gellaho

Harold remembers his hideous school teacher who inspired his interest in the theater

Brendan

Crazy that Jakes envisioned a world freed from the crimes of colonialism and just thought "It would be great if the oppressed got a turn."

Like the indigenous tribes are still boned.

gellaho

They find no evidence of their own existence and begin to lose energy, which probably isn't important

gellaho

Also there are hovercars

gellaho

Jomo's not doing too hot either

gellaho

And here's Whisk to join in the fun of disappearing from existence

Velo, Juice Criminal

I swear to god if they team up with Whisk

gellaho

He's been having a lot of racist adventures off screen

gellaho

gellaho

His lady with the titties has already disappeared

gellaho

Spoiler alert: they don't

Velo, Juice Criminal

Oh good so Harold learned to have a spine and stop defending racists?

gellaho

Fucking Robert Zemeckis stealing from John Jakes

gellaho

Harold yawns for two minutes

Brendan

Time took a while to tidy up the continuity.

gellaho

Off to see Muhammad for the third time

Dyosy

Mohammed's Very Confusing Day

gellaho

Harold uses bite

gellaho

It's super effective

Brendan

No July in this timeline.

gellaho

Then time creaks

gellaho

What

gellaho

John definitely doesn't understand colors

gellaho

Whisk hides behind his girlfriend's tits

gellaho

Harold gives himself a couple of peptalks to stop his cowardice

gellaho

gellaho

Before enacting his bold plan

Kissing Whisk's girlfriend, sending him into a racist rage

gellaho

Velo, Juice Criminal

This is great because I thought we had already descended into rambling madness

gellaho

Now we enter the finale of the book, which is Whisk chasing Harold through like twenty time periods for reasons I do not understand

First up: the Aztec empire, where Whisk runs into a cactus

gellaho

Next up: Thomas Alexandre Dumas

gellaho

Then Harold gets aroused at King Solomon's court

Velo, Juice Criminal

Harold this is a terrible time for your impotent horniness

gellaho

Then Jackie Robinson, where Whisk gets hit in the balls

gellaho

gellaho

Then some kind of hamburger court

Longmile, bigfoot cutout owner

God, I hate this. John Jakes is just Ernest Cline but he's skimmed history books instead of John Hughes movies.

gellaho

Until Harold arrives at his final destination, a ship filled with blind men

gellaho

Why he couldn't just go there first, I'm not sure. I guess he just wanted to tire out Whisk

Filled with blind slaves

Longmile, bigfoot cutout owner

To be fair, 90% of all time travel stories have that exact problem.

gellaho

Luckily Whisk is a moron

Velo, Juice Criminal

Leaving Whisk stranded on this ship would actually be one of the cruelest possible deaths. Come on Harold, do it!

gellaho

Harold's still monologuing for no reason

Longmile, bigfoot cutout owner

The reason is because Ernest Jakes needs to explain his clever history references

gellaho

Harold brilliantly gets himself strangled to take Whisk's time belt

gellaho

Whisk gets dragged down

gellaho

Harold turns into an acrobat, throws Whisk's time belt into the sea and leaves

Longmile, bigfoot cutout owner

Floor is Diseased Black Slaves was the deeply unpopular sequel to Floor is Lava

Brendan

I'm back, baby!

...woah, things ain't good

gellaho

Punches Jomo in the face

Brendan

You fool, you left Whisk in his paradise.

gellaho

Lotta blindness in those days apparently

gellaho

Velo, Juice Criminal

Jakes realized Harold wouldn't be able to know about the ship if everyone on it died

gellaho

Harold's boner update:

gellaho

They remember the cops getting their nuts wrecked by the Quakers

gellaho

Oh, and his sister's husband from 130 pages ago

gellaho

Dr Freylinghausen resolves to turn full Bond villain and create an island lair for his time travel experiments

Velo, Juice Criminal

Who?!

Gator's just been in jail this whole time?!

gellaho

You have all the time in the world with a time machine

I can't imagine why "Jomo moved." isn't included in lists of the greatest ending lines in fiction

Longmile, bigfoot cutout owner

When anyone else messes with the past, it's bad…but when Harold does it, it's completely meaningless.

gellaho

Oh boy, what a deal

gellaho

We have defeated Black in Time

gellaho

So concludes the 142nd Edition of The Book Cage

Longmile, bigfoot cutout owner

I did not like this book.

Thank you for sharing it with us.

I think.

Velo, Juice Criminal

Thank you @gellaho

Longmile, bigfoot cutout owner

I just realized Harold is such a loser he doesn't even merit a mention on the front cover.

Velo, Juice Criminal

This is a masterpiece, Gellaho

gellaho

I chose not to replace any of the main three characters for fairly obvious reasons

Velo, Juice Criminal

All three options are differently problematic, yes

One is whitewashing, one is making you a neonazi, and no one wants to be Harold

Brendan

Jakes sure...grew? changed? As a writer

gellaho

Everything we've read from him is before this, except for On Wheels and Mention My Name in Atlantis

But, also he had five books released in this year (1970)

Ten released in 1969

Velo, Juice Criminal

I'm so tempted to track down the script for the vampire musical comedy he wrote

Brendan

A busy year for a sci-fi writer