61: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #53: Web of Horror Franklin W. Dixon

gellaho

This week's Book Cage reading will be taking place on Friday the Thirteenth (ooh, spooky). Now, obviously, the best book for this date would be one of Simon Hawke's written adaptations of Friday the 13th movies, but I'm not dropping hundreds of dollars on those. So, instead, we will be reading the next best thing: The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #53: Web of Horror, a book about a horror movie. How many times will Joe be scared by fake props? Will Frank Hardy understand the hu-man emotion of fear? Does this "actual haunted house" have real specters? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

gellaho

@Brockway Pin this if you don't fear The Reaper

Mudjacked Concrete Javo

hell yes

FancyShark

YEEESSSSS

I think I made this joke before, but $5 says the reaper's scythe jams and he has to bludgeon them with the wooden end

gellaho

With $5 you can buy two of these books

LyraV

The joy they bring though? That's priceless.

gellaho

The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #53: Web of Horror begins at the top of the next hour. Here's your preview.

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Chapter 2: The knife glanced weakly off to the side and everything is ok!

gellaho

Time to begin

FancyShark

Let's horror some webs!

gellaho

We begin with spooky Mist

gellaho

Why did my phone decide to capitalize Mist? Unknown

FancyShark

It thinks you want a refreshing Sierra Mist

gellaho

A scene from the horror classic The Sofa Monster 3: Revenge of the Cushion

gellaho

FancyShark

Weird rendition of Remains of the Day

gellaho

Frank attempts to regain his breath after a gentle poke in the ribs

FancyShark

Frank is still working on how to breathe like a human

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

His skin suits vent systems arent 100% functional yet

gellaho

Mark it down, less than two pages to redhead

FancyShark

Holy crap. Wasting no time

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe has good taste in women for a guy who doesnt fuck.

FancyShark

He's already working on hating her

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"This is how you do your Earth mating ritual right?"

"When do I deploy my dew claw to grapple to her hide?"

gellaho

Ghostwriter seems unfamiliar with Frank's girlfriend or Frank's general robotic brain

FancyShark

Frank is between Callies right now

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Hey, my dude, if you can't have a good time in middle Texas you can't have a good time.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

He's still washing bits of the last callie out of his hair

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Rent an ATV with a shotgun on it and go deer hunting.

Hit up the drive thru liquor store on the way.

gellaho

The original series name, The Amityville Chainsaw Massacre, resulted in several lawsuits

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Old Man Jenkins has been warning the cast and crew about the ghosts, but nobody listens to that old fuck.

FancyShark

Horror House Six: Back 2 Tha Ranch

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Didn't Enid blyton write the horror house five?

gellaho

Fourteen Karat Studios: No, we aren't good enough to be called 24 karat

FancyShark

Leonard inherited the studio. The name is a coincidence.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Leonard Gold" is such a porn producer name. This poor bastard is trying to make a movie that isn't a B tier Debbie Does Dallas and doesn't know ghosts and the Hardy Boys are gonna fuck his shit up.

gellaho

How do you feel about the name Shane Katz then

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

There's already a 24 karat studios, and this way Leonard's studio shows up first in the phone book.

FancyShark

Shane Katz is definitely the guy you call when you need a hooker's body removed discreetly

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Shane Katz would pass as a low key Shane Black joke except its too subtle.

gellaho

I'm sure that's why his eyes are bloodshot, Joe

FancyShark

He noticed Katz sniffing a lot. Unsurprising, due to the long hours directors work.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

The nose bleeds came as no surprise, as Joe knew the long hours directors work.

gellaho

Andrew Warmouth: film producer and angry child lollipop

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

WARMOUTH! HUH! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR!?

FancyShark

Warmouth is a robot that only speaks in cliches

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Motherfucker Gone with the Wind wasn't that expensive to make!

You aren't working with John Carpenter!

gellaho

Horror movie villains are typically played by tiny and unintimidating men

Gentleman Brendan

I was freelancing and lost track of time, sorry I'm awesomely late.

FancyShark

True, but the couch is played by Daniel Day Lewis

Hi, Brendan!

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Also the "couch scene" is how the actors get cast, right?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Oh my gosh its the real life Reaper!"Joe whispered, forgetting what movies are.

gellaho

5'7" would make these two about three feet tall

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

He's no Kane hodder.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

You gotta get real low to solve mysteries. Its a Detective crouch.

Gentleman Brendan

He follows the DENNIS system to collect their hair.

FancyShark

There's a clause in his contract that all his victims have to be filmed to look smaller than him

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

It's where he gets the material for all the Callie clones.

gellaho

Real bitch Frank in this book

gellaho

You want a tiny Shakespearean to be your silent murderer

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Frank is throwing some real shade for a dude who has peaked at "boy detective."

Gentleman Brendan

First Jewish character in the entire series and he's a sleazy Hollywood producer. 😦

gellaho

Well, it's been three minutes. MUST CONSUME

Gentleman Brendan

🏔️

gellaho

Excuse me, sleazy Dallas producer

FancyShark

Beaufort. He can't believe he's still in Beaufort.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Cheeseburger" is code for "kidnapping victim"

Gentleman Brendan

👋 ☠️ 🪦

gellaho

Ghostwriter had cats on the brain

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

And only 95 in mid Texas?

Balmy!

Gentleman Brendan

This is the second fallen Shakespearean actor we've seen.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Sometimes you name your characters after the things in your room, like Sean Lamp or Kitty Huges.

FancyShark

I'm already reading Shane Katz as "Shatz"

gellaho

RIP child headed man

FancyShark

On the plus side, they don't have to rush the filming now

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Good, he was a negative prick."

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

I'm pretty sure they stole a guy called warmouth getting killed with a scythe from Warhammer 40k.

FancyShark

I don't think it's subtle enough for 40K

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Warmouth Bonegnaw would make a sweet Death Guard.

gellaho

Rhett Thornall, rotund sheriff, is told by a child what to do

Gentleman Brendan

Seems like your boys show up at an awful lot of crimes before discovering all the evidence that points to someone else, Hardy.

FancyShark

Rhett the fat sheriff is no Chet the fat hero

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Son.......you realize you aren't actual cops, right? And are also technically suspects?"

"Also working here doesn't mean you can just rubberneck at a crime scene?"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Ooh, who had contaminating a crime scene on their bingo card?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Look, go away or I'll set Old Warmouth on you, and yes I named my bloodhound Warmouth."

gellaho

For some reason, they debrief at Gold's Dallas penthouse and not the police station. And invite the children

Gentleman Brendan

Look, if it's any consolation he probably didn't have long to live. Cops say every sample of this poor bastard's blood was corn syrup.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Thank you for coming, gentlemen." he said, stern facedly.

Man this is going to really shatter poor Leonards already low self esteem.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

For some reason that description made me picture Gold as agent 47.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

His face is gonna get so stern.

gellaho

"Wait, why am I taking direction from you?"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"We think that because we found it lodged in his spine."

FancyShark

"Weird you'd keep a battle-ready scythe on set."

"We like our wheat fresh, okay?"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"It's an Alec Baldwin production, we don't like safety measures."

gellaho

"Our two suspects are the redhead and the skinny nervous guy. Those are the two we think could nearly decapitate a man with a scythe."

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Dude, women are prefectly capable of decapitating dipshits with a scythe!

FancyShark

This whole production was named by a child that didn't know how to spell dirty words

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Fenton Hardy needs to check his old world preconceptions about decapitation at the door.

gellaho

"I'm sure the murderer is satisfied with that one death. It's fine"

Gentleman Brendan

This feels like a real "angle of incidence" forensic problem.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"We all know Andy was a real asshole nobody liked, so that clearly means the killer won't strike again."

Gentleman Brendan

"The horror movie where someone got killed! Think of the press!" --John Landis

FancyShark

Wow, he is a real cop!

gellaho

"I think the children should handle security and investigation. This isn't suspicious at all."

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe........the fuck. This is easy mode for murder, the fuck.

FancyShark

"How does their being in a movie help my investigation?"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Like you barely have ten suspects and it happened indoors.

FancyShark

I'm glad we're seeing precedence for the sheriff in No Country For Old Men

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also it totally IS the sheriffs only case.

gellaho

"I don't know why I, the sheriff, told you where I live. I'm sure that won't matter at all, anyway bye"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Its middle Texas, hes got this and the drifter that abducted Peggy last spring.

FancyShark

Sheriff keeps dropping hints that he's single and ready to mingle, but no one ever notices

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Also I get nude and leave the curtains open at 8-10 PM, just like normal folks."

"Front door is locked but the back door? Wiiiiiiide open. Sure hope no ornery varmint comes sneaking up on my back door......"

FancyShark

"You say something, Sheriff?"

<sob>

gellaho

"We should talk to Bowley, Clervi, Sinocchi, Tucci, Garvey, and Freely"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

The sheriff of Exposition County.

FancyShark

Mike of the Texas Sinnochis

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

It'sa me, y'all.....Matt Clervi! Pizza pie!

gellaho

"I've only been blown up by attractive women ten times this year!"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

The fuck are you even suggesting Joe?

What hunch?

FancyShark

Joe, your gut feelings all say "snack". They can't really be wrong.

gellaho

🗡️

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Saying "You should meet Paula! Shes rad!" isnt a damn hunch.

Should have had a hunch about that fuckin knife.

FancyShark

Prop knife! Aggghhh!

gellaho

"And I'm psychotic, so I thought this would be the best way to demonstrate that"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"This is my PERFECT BABY!" *heavy breathing

FancyShark

Thank god she wasn't working on a sex toy

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

"I also made this cool fake knife"

gellaho

I'm always buying retractable knives at the Dollar Tree

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Chekhov's Retractable Knife.

FancyShark

Please. You expect us to believe Texas sells FAKE weapons?

gellaho

Or the "dime-store" as this person wrote in 1991

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

You could buy a fucking sword in a Texas store in 1991, right next to the glass bongs and throwing stars.

gellaho

I'm Paula West, all I do is make bold assumptions

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"No, I'm not with the makeup department, why do you ask?"

FancyShark

She puts wigs on them and declares her work finished.

gellaho

Joe's famous "gut" instincts

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Your slack jaws and dead eyes are perfect already!"

FancyShark

But Frank laughed the entire time he learned about the plague, so it's a compliment

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Frank is kind of a grouch, who doesn't love a "pretend to stab your brother to death" prank?!

LyraV

Frank is taking being a dick to a whole new level.

Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics

Frank is one bacon strip short of a full ladle

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe just wants to ask her about movie trivia.

gellaho

OK, yeah, ghostwriter was ninety years old

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Wait, she knows they are "with the security team" already?!

Ma'am this is not how casting works.

You're gonna get yelled aaaaaat.

FancyShark

"It was for a scene!"

gellaho

Seems like a great movie if it has the grim reaper, lizard arms, and zombies

seems like real solid thematically

FancyShark

I mean, I'd probably check it out

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Couldn't be worse than Manos.

LyraV

The hands of fate?

FancyShark

Lizard Sofa and the Grim Reaper is a goofy enough premise. Or at least a terrible garage band.

gellaho

Because this is something Frank might have easily forgotten

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Frank is just thinking about cheeseburgers again.

FancyShark

"Mental Note: The lady that tried to stab my brother when she hadn't even met him might be odd"

gellaho

I guess in this universe fifties B-movies never stopped being made

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Thirty minutes later "Hey, she tried to murder Joe!" "Frank.......that was a goof."

gellaho

Or Paula is also 70

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe is a Troma Boi.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

I'd say those sound like fake troma movies, but that would imply Joe has good taste in movies.

Shit

gellaho

Frank attempts Hu-man speech

FancyShark

"Graft me a werewolf penis"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Can you help me clear my dude ships vents? Also I am a very tiny alien piloting this body. Yes like in that manga. Yes its from the future."

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

That's not how you pluralize makeup.

gellaho

"These revolutionary techniques are why I'm the working on a small movie in Texas where I am the makeup and fx artist with a trainee assistant"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Frank is too busy thinking about cheeseburgers to properly pluralize.

"Leonard Gold has pictures of me......well......you are teen boys so we have to gloss over that, but I have to work for him."

FancyShark

"I sure hope no one creates holograms so realistic they'd put my entire job field out of business."

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Just think this is 1991 and they have seen Jaws.

gellaho

"I also love leaving acid on the kitchen counter. What could possibly go wrong?"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

You........what?!

Shit I was joking about there being no safety precautions.

FancyShark

Well, this explains the internship vacancies

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

So Mr. Gold is obviously not down with Union regulations.

gellaho

"Again, there are like three people working on this movie"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

fuck me is this lady overqualified or what?

FancyShark

Chemists are the only ones that can pour liquids. This writer knows their stuff.

DJ-100 model, Djonin

Why else would you take that class, their stat growths suck

gellaho

Frank is also easily frightened at Spirit Halloween

FancyShark

True. You mostly take it to unlock the more advanced classes

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

It's a prerequisite for White Mage.

FancyShark

You just answered your own question, Frank

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Frank shudders when he finishes a roast chicken.

He has bonophobia.

gellaho

The Reaper seems real frightening

FancyShark

"And then Vincent Price does a monologue and Michael starts dancing. Yeah, we know."

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Golly gee whiz!"

gellaho

"Yeah, it looks terrible. Can you believe we conned that woman into working on this?"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

"are we using the deadly prop for this take?"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Frank demonstrating he is not familiar with our Earth Television.

FancyShark

Ugh, Joe would be that kind of know-it-all

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"I had a hunch you would use that!" Said Joe, hunchingly.

gellaho

You know, the Grim Reaper's classic weapon: a flask of acid

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Paula will do this by dissolving you in acid. It's called Cinema Verite."

gellaho

The Grim Reaper brewing up acid in his laboratory

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe: "I KNEW THAT WORD! HUNCH!"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

"let me get the fake acid flask. It's in the fridge next to the acid flask."

Gentleman Brendan

We know the killer wasn't a native Texan because they didn't use a gun.

FancyShark

"The glass the water is in is real, though. So try not to let it get in your eyes when it breaks."

gellaho

What's really frightening is a snooty Grim Reaper throwing acid

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Oh shit, you met Paula already, right? Fuck now the surprise is ruined, cos she told you explicitly it was real acid."

gellaho

A 5 and a half foot grim reaper saying, "Stay off my lawn, you oafs!"

FancyShark

"Uncouth rapscallions!"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe was too busy being a dork and Frank was still puzzling out the fake knife when she told them "I USE REAL ACID!"

gellaho

Frank's attempting to spin off into Karate Zombie

LyraV

'Clervi' is not a real name right? Like it's a total sci-fi made up name? No one has ever been named CLERVI.

FancyShark

I think it's a rejected muppet

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Wait did he actually karate kick the guy or was he just pushing with the force of a kick?

Gentleman Brendan

At this point I think we're all qualified to write a Hardy novel.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

It's Italian, from the Texas part of the Italian diaspora.

gellaho

"Boo! Zombie karate ruins the immersion I was experiencing with acid Grim Reaper!"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Horror house five is filmed in front tof a live studio audience.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Frank, karate is cool, but you remember how your sensei told you about self discipline?"

FancyShark

"Boo! We hate that we were allowed to be on set for a feature film and nobody died! Boo!"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also what kind of fucking movie has a live audience?

FancyShark

dangit, scooped

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

A booing one no less?!

gellaho

Matt Clervi is always on the verge of a nervous breakdown

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Frank is getting some heat for his heel turn.

gellaho

"Have you met her? She's fucking crazy"

FancyShark

Sheriff Thornall is going to be surprised that something dangerous happened after the loathsome dude died

LyraV

I'm still not over it. What could it possibly be short for, Clervicus? Clervisham?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Boring ass Katz wants to keep the sheriff in the loop, when he has two crack security boy detectives.

FancyShark

Paula's actively cooking meth and the Hardys are fixated on a fake volcano she made to distract them

gellaho

"Do you think my police corruption is too obvious?"

Gentleman Brendan

I feel like the Hardy universe is Black Mirror in that they're all loosely connected but each one is like the first iteration of these Hardy backups.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

It does feel very Venture Bros.

FancyShark

Except the Assassins stories, which are all sections of a lunatic's movie script

gellaho

"I wasn't gonna investigate the flask if you were nice to me. Or came by the house, I don't know..."

Gentleman Brendan

Damn, that was a way more fitting comparison.

FancyShark

"Of course, I could be persuaded to lose the flask if someone were to, say, invite me to the fair."

gellaho

There's that "gut" again

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"We need trained professionals to determine whether or not this flask of melty liquid that hisses and fizzes is acid, and the boys in the lab are refusing to come over for BBQ on Saturday.

"Joe, for the last time, you are just hungry, that is hunger pangs."

FancyShark

"You boys know any forensics experts that like Smash Bros?"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"A gut feeling is just a euphemism."

Gentleman Brendan

The One Where Joe Thinks With His Dick

This is, what, his third time in Act I?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also Frank is way too comfortable asking his dad to run background checks on women.

gellaho

It's just a big-boned voice

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"outsider" is the kindest thing you can call someone angrily in Texas.

FancyShark

If a woman doesn't insult him immediately, it means she's interested

LyraV

They could feel it deep within their dicks. I mean guts.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Someone is threatening Dad! He needs his teen sons to help!"

gellaho

"Don't worry boys, it's just a crazy old man"

gellaho

Gentleman Brendan

These books are just paper tiger upon paper tiger.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Really they only disliked the third movie, the first one was a cult classic to the ghosts."

gellaho

It's been a while since we've seen violent misogynist Joe. He's mostly just been horny

FancyShark

"You boys better not touch my urine jars."

Gentleman Brendan

In Texas, Chet is known as Runt.

gellaho

Joe makes the only cogent point he's ever had

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Like I said, son, they are true fans. They think the series has gone downhill."

FancyShark

"Certainly isn't because they thought part 4 was a perfect way to end the series and part 5 is an obvious cashgrab"