When your worst nightmare comes true, it's best to stay awake - if you want to stay alive!
Archive
gellaho
This week's Book Cage reading will be taking place on Friday the Thirteenth (ooh, spooky). Now, obviously, the best book for this date would be one of Simon Hawke's written adaptations of Friday the 13th movies, but I'm not dropping hundreds of dollars on those. So, instead, we will be reading the next best thing: The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #53: Web of Horror, a book about a horror movie. How many times will Joe be scared by fake props? Will Frank Hardy understand the hu-man emotion of fear? Does this "actual haunted house" have real specters? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway Pin this if you don't fear The Reaper
Mudjacked Concrete Javo
hell yes
FancyShark
YEEESSSSS
I think I made this joke before, but $5 says the reaper's scythe jams and he has to bludgeon them with the wooden end
gellaho
With $5 you can buy two of these books
LyraV
The joy they bring though? That's priceless.
gellaho
The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #53: Web of Horror begins at the top of the next hour. Here's your preview.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Chapter 2: The knife glanced weakly off to the side and everything is ok!
gellaho
Time to begin
FancyShark
Let's horror some webs!
gellaho
We begin with spooky Mist
gellaho
Why did my phone decide to capitalize Mist? Unknown
FancyShark
It thinks you want a refreshing Sierra Mist
gellaho
A scene from the horror classic The Sofa Monster 3: Revenge of the Cushion
gellaho
FancyShark
Weird rendition of Remains of the Day
gellaho
Frank attempts to regain his breath after a gentle poke in the ribs
FancyShark
Frank is still working on how to breathe like a human
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
His skin suits vent systems arent 100% functional yet
gellaho
Mark it down, less than two pages to redhead
FancyShark
Holy crap. Wasting no time
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe has good taste in women for a guy who doesnt fuck.
FancyShark
He's already working on hating her
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"This is how you do your Earth mating ritual right?"
"When do I deploy my dew claw to grapple to her hide?"
gellaho
Ghostwriter seems unfamiliar with Frank's girlfriend or Frank's general robotic brain
FancyShark
Frank is between Callies right now
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Hey, my dude, if you can't have a good time in middle Texas you can't have a good time.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He's still washing bits of the last callie out of his hair
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Rent an ATV with a shotgun on it and go deer hunting.
Hit up the drive thru liquor store on the way.
gellaho
The original series name, The Amityville Chainsaw Massacre, resulted in several lawsuits
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Old Man Jenkins has been warning the cast and crew about the ghosts, but nobody listens to that old fuck.
FancyShark
Horror House Six: Back 2 Tha Ranch
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Didn't Enid blyton write the horror house five?
gellaho
Fourteen Karat Studios: No, we aren't good enough to be called 24 karat
FancyShark
Leonard inherited the studio. The name is a coincidence.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Leonard Gold" is such a porn producer name. This poor bastard is trying to make a movie that isn't a B tier Debbie Does Dallas and doesn't know ghosts and the Hardy Boys are gonna fuck his shit up.
gellaho
How do you feel about the name Shane Katz then
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
There's already a 24 karat studios, and this way Leonard's studio shows up first in the phone book.
FancyShark
Shane Katz is definitely the guy you call when you need a hooker's body removed discreetly
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Shane Katz would pass as a low key Shane Black joke except its too subtle.
gellaho
I'm sure that's why his eyes are bloodshot, Joe
FancyShark
He noticed Katz sniffing a lot. Unsurprising, due to the long hours directors work.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The nose bleeds came as no surprise, as Joe knew the long hours directors work.
gellaho
Andrew Warmouth: film producer and angry child lollipop
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
WARMOUTH! HUH! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR!?
FancyShark
Warmouth is a robot that only speaks in cliches
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Motherfucker Gone with the Wind wasn't that expensive to make!
You aren't working with John Carpenter!
gellaho
Horror movie villains are typically played by tiny and unintimidating men
Gentleman Brendan
I was freelancing and lost track of time, sorry I'm awesomely late.
FancyShark
True, but the couch is played by Daniel Day Lewis
Hi, Brendan!
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Also the "couch scene" is how the actors get cast, right?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Oh my gosh its the real life Reaper!"Joe whispered, forgetting what movies are.
gellaho
5'7" would make these two about three feet tall
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He's no Kane hodder.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You gotta get real low to solve mysteries. Its a Detective crouch.
Gentleman Brendan
He follows the DENNIS system to collect their hair.
FancyShark
There's a clause in his contract that all his victims have to be filmed to look smaller than him
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It's where he gets the material for all the Callie clones.
gellaho
Real bitch Frank in this book
gellaho
You want a tiny Shakespearean to be your silent murderer
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank is throwing some real shade for a dude who has peaked at "boy detective."
Gentleman Brendan
First Jewish character in the entire series and he's a sleazy Hollywood producer. 😦
gellaho
Well, it's been three minutes. MUST CONSUME
Gentleman Brendan
🏔️
gellaho
Excuse me, sleazy Dallas producer
FancyShark
Beaufort. He can't believe he's still in Beaufort.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Cheeseburger" is code for "kidnapping victim"
Gentleman Brendan
👋 ☠️ 🪦
gellaho
Ghostwriter had cats on the brain
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And only 95 in mid Texas?
Balmy!
Gentleman Brendan
This is the second fallen Shakespearean actor we've seen.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sometimes you name your characters after the things in your room, like Sean Lamp or Kitty Huges.
FancyShark
I'm already reading Shane Katz as "Shatz"
gellaho
RIP child headed man
FancyShark
On the plus side, they don't have to rush the filming now
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Good, he was a negative prick."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I'm pretty sure they stole a guy called warmouth getting killed with a scythe from Warhammer 40k.
FancyShark
I don't think it's subtle enough for 40K
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Warmouth Bonegnaw would make a sweet Death Guard.
gellaho
Rhett Thornall, rotund sheriff, is told by a child what to do
Gentleman Brendan
Seems like your boys show up at an awful lot of crimes before discovering all the evidence that points to someone else, Hardy.
FancyShark
Rhett the fat sheriff is no Chet the fat hero
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Son.......you realize you aren't actual cops, right? And are also technically suspects?"
"Also working here doesn't mean you can just rubberneck at a crime scene?"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Ooh, who had contaminating a crime scene on their bingo card?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Look, go away or I'll set Old Warmouth on you, and yes I named my bloodhound Warmouth."
gellaho
For some reason, they debrief at Gold's Dallas penthouse and not the police station. And invite the children
Gentleman Brendan
Look, if it's any consolation he probably didn't have long to live. Cops say every sample of this poor bastard's blood was corn syrup.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Thank you for coming, gentlemen." he said, stern facedly.
Man this is going to really shatter poor Leonards already low self esteem.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
For some reason that description made me picture Gold as agent 47.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
His face is gonna get so stern.
gellaho
"Wait, why am I taking direction from you?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"We think that because we found it lodged in his spine."
FancyShark
"Weird you'd keep a battle-ready scythe on set."
"We like our wheat fresh, okay?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"It's an Alec Baldwin production, we don't like safety measures."
gellaho
"Our two suspects are the redhead and the skinny nervous guy. Those are the two we think could nearly decapitate a man with a scythe."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Dude, women are prefectly capable of decapitating dipshits with a scythe!
FancyShark
This whole production was named by a child that didn't know how to spell dirty words
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fenton Hardy needs to check his old world preconceptions about decapitation at the door.
gellaho
"I'm sure the murderer is satisfied with that one death. It's fine"
Gentleman Brendan
This feels like a real "angle of incidence" forensic problem.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"We all know Andy was a real asshole nobody liked, so that clearly means the killer won't strike again."
Gentleman Brendan
"The horror movie where someone got killed! Think of the press!" --John Landis
FancyShark
Wow, he is a real cop!
gellaho
"I think the children should handle security and investigation. This isn't suspicious at all."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe........the fuck. This is easy mode for murder, the fuck.
FancyShark
"How does their being in a movie help my investigation?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Like you barely have ten suspects and it happened indoors.
FancyShark
I'm glad we're seeing precedence for the sheriff in No Country For Old Men
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also it totally IS the sheriffs only case.
gellaho
"I don't know why I, the sheriff, told you where I live. I'm sure that won't matter at all, anyway bye"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Its middle Texas, hes got this and the drifter that abducted Peggy last spring.
FancyShark
Sheriff keeps dropping hints that he's single and ready to mingle, but no one ever notices
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Also I get nude and leave the curtains open at 8-10 PM, just like normal folks."
"Front door is locked but the back door? Wiiiiiiide open. Sure hope no ornery varmint comes sneaking up on my back door......"
FancyShark
"You say something, Sheriff?"
<sob>
gellaho
"We should talk to Bowley, Clervi, Sinocchi, Tucci, Garvey, and Freely"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The sheriff of Exposition County.
FancyShark
Mike of the Texas Sinnochis
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It'sa me, y'all.....Matt Clervi! Pizza pie!
gellaho
"I've only been blown up by attractive women ten times this year!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The fuck are you even suggesting Joe?
What hunch?
FancyShark
Joe, your gut feelings all say "snack". They can't really be wrong.
gellaho
🗡️
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Saying "You should meet Paula! Shes rad!" isnt a damn hunch.
Should have had a hunch about that fuckin knife.
FancyShark
Prop knife! Aggghhh!
gellaho
"And I'm psychotic, so I thought this would be the best way to demonstrate that"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"This is my PERFECT BABY!" *heavy breathing
FancyShark
Thank god she wasn't working on a sex toy
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"I also made this cool fake knife"
gellaho
I'm always buying retractable knives at the Dollar Tree
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Chekhov's Retractable Knife.
FancyShark
Please. You expect us to believe Texas sells FAKE weapons?
gellaho
Or the "dime-store" as this person wrote in 1991
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You could buy a fucking sword in a Texas store in 1991, right next to the glass bongs and throwing stars.
gellaho
I'm Paula West, all I do is make bold assumptions
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"No, I'm not with the makeup department, why do you ask?"
FancyShark
She puts wigs on them and declares her work finished.
gellaho
Joe's famous "gut" instincts
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Your slack jaws and dead eyes are perfect already!"
FancyShark
But Frank laughed the entire time he learned about the plague, so it's a compliment
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank is kind of a grouch, who doesn't love a "pretend to stab your brother to death" prank?!
LyraV
Frank is taking being a dick to a whole new level.
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
Frank is one bacon strip short of a full ladle
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe just wants to ask her about movie trivia.
gellaho
OK, yeah, ghostwriter was ninety years old
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Wait, she knows they are "with the security team" already?!
Ma'am this is not how casting works.
You're gonna get yelled aaaaaat.
FancyShark
"It was for a scene!"
gellaho
Seems like a great movie if it has the grim reaper, lizard arms, and zombies
seems like real solid thematically
FancyShark
I mean, I'd probably check it out
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Couldn't be worse than Manos.
LyraV
The hands of fate?
FancyShark
Lizard Sofa and the Grim Reaper is a goofy enough premise. Or at least a terrible garage band.
gellaho
Because this is something Frank might have easily forgotten
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank is just thinking about cheeseburgers again.
FancyShark
"Mental Note: The lady that tried to stab my brother when she hadn't even met him might be odd"
gellaho
I guess in this universe fifties B-movies never stopped being made
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Thirty minutes later "Hey, she tried to murder Joe!" "Frank.......that was a goof."
gellaho
Or Paula is also 70
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe is a Troma Boi.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I'd say those sound like fake troma movies, but that would imply Joe has good taste in movies.
Shit
gellaho
Frank attempts Hu-man speech
FancyShark
"Graft me a werewolf penis"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Can you help me clear my dude ships vents? Also I am a very tiny alien piloting this body. Yes like in that manga. Yes its from the future."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That's not how you pluralize makeup.
gellaho
"These revolutionary techniques are why I'm the working on a small movie in Texas where I am the makeup and fx artist with a trainee assistant"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank is too busy thinking about cheeseburgers to properly pluralize.
"Leonard Gold has pictures of me......well......you are teen boys so we have to gloss over that, but I have to work for him."
FancyShark
"I sure hope no one creates holograms so realistic they'd put my entire job field out of business."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Just think this is 1991 and they have seen Jaws.
gellaho
"I also love leaving acid on the kitchen counter. What could possibly go wrong?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You........what?!
Shit I was joking about there being no safety precautions.
FancyShark
Well, this explains the internship vacancies
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
So Mr. Gold is obviously not down with Union regulations.
gellaho
"Again, there are like three people working on this movie"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
fuck me is this lady overqualified or what?
FancyShark
Chemists are the only ones that can pour liquids. This writer knows their stuff.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Why else would you take that class, their stat growths suck
gellaho
Frank is also easily frightened at Spirit Halloween
FancyShark
True. You mostly take it to unlock the more advanced classes
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It's a prerequisite for White Mage.
FancyShark
You just answered your own question, Frank
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank shudders when he finishes a roast chicken.
He has bonophobia.
gellaho
The Reaper seems real frightening
FancyShark
"And then Vincent Price does a monologue and Michael starts dancing. Yeah, we know."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Golly gee whiz!"
gellaho
"Yeah, it looks terrible. Can you believe we conned that woman into working on this?"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"are we using the deadly prop for this take?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank demonstrating he is not familiar with our Earth Television.
FancyShark
Ugh, Joe would be that kind of know-it-all
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"I had a hunch you would use that!" Said Joe, hunchingly.
gellaho
You know, the Grim Reaper's classic weapon: a flask of acid
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Paula will do this by dissolving you in acid. It's called Cinema Verite."
gellaho
The Grim Reaper brewing up acid in his laboratory
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe: "I KNEW THAT WORD! HUNCH!"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"let me get the fake acid flask. It's in the fridge next to the acid flask."
Gentleman Brendan
We know the killer wasn't a native Texan because they didn't use a gun.
FancyShark
"The glass the water is in is real, though. So try not to let it get in your eyes when it breaks."
gellaho
What's really frightening is a snooty Grim Reaper throwing acid
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Oh shit, you met Paula already, right? Fuck now the surprise is ruined, cos she told you explicitly it was real acid."
gellaho
A 5 and a half foot grim reaper saying, "Stay off my lawn, you oafs!"
FancyShark
"Uncouth rapscallions!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe was too busy being a dork and Frank was still puzzling out the fake knife when she told them "I USE REAL ACID!"
gellaho
Frank's attempting to spin off into Karate Zombie
LyraV
'Clervi' is not a real name right? Like it's a total sci-fi made up name? No one has ever been named CLERVI.
FancyShark
I think it's a rejected muppet
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Wait did he actually karate kick the guy or was he just pushing with the force of a kick?
Gentleman Brendan
At this point I think we're all qualified to write a Hardy novel.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It's Italian, from the Texas part of the Italian diaspora.
gellaho
"Boo! Zombie karate ruins the immersion I was experiencing with acid Grim Reaper!"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Horror house five is filmed in front tof a live studio audience.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Frank, karate is cool, but you remember how your sensei told you about self discipline?"
FancyShark
"Boo! We hate that we were allowed to be on set for a feature film and nobody died! Boo!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also what kind of fucking movie has a live audience?
FancyShark
dangit, scooped
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
A booing one no less?!
gellaho
Matt Clervi is always on the verge of a nervous breakdown
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Frank is getting some heat for his heel turn.
gellaho
"Have you met her? She's fucking crazy"
FancyShark
Sheriff Thornall is going to be surprised that something dangerous happened after the loathsome dude died
LyraV
I'm still not over it. What could it possibly be short for, Clervicus? Clervisham?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Boring ass Katz wants to keep the sheriff in the loop, when he has two crack security boy detectives.
FancyShark
Paula's actively cooking meth and the Hardys are fixated on a fake volcano she made to distract them
gellaho
"Do you think my police corruption is too obvious?"
Gentleman Brendan
I feel like the Hardy universe is Black Mirror in that they're all loosely connected but each one is like the first iteration of these Hardy backups.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It does feel very Venture Bros.
FancyShark
Except the Assassins stories, which are all sections of a lunatic's movie script
gellaho
"I wasn't gonna investigate the flask if you were nice to me. Or came by the house, I don't know..."
Gentleman Brendan
Damn, that was a way more fitting comparison.
FancyShark
"Of course, I could be persuaded to lose the flask if someone were to, say, invite me to the fair."
gellaho
There's that "gut" again
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"We need trained professionals to determine whether or not this flask of melty liquid that hisses and fizzes is acid, and the boys in the lab are refusing to come over for BBQ on Saturday.
"Joe, for the last time, you are just hungry, that is hunger pangs."
FancyShark
"You boys know any forensics experts that like Smash Bros?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"A gut feeling is just a euphemism."
Gentleman Brendan
The One Where Joe Thinks With His Dick
This is, what, his third time in Act I?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also Frank is way too comfortable asking his dad to run background checks on women.
gellaho
It's just a big-boned voice
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"outsider" is the kindest thing you can call someone angrily in Texas.
FancyShark
If a woman doesn't insult him immediately, it means she's interested
LyraV
They could feel it deep within their dicks. I mean guts.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Someone is threatening Dad! He needs his teen sons to help!"
gellaho
"Don't worry boys, it's just a crazy old man"
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
These books are just paper tiger upon paper tiger.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Really they only disliked the third movie, the first one was a cult classic to the ghosts."
gellaho
It's been a while since we've seen violent misogynist Joe. He's mostly just been horny
FancyShark
"You boys better not touch my urine jars."
Gentleman Brendan
In Texas, Chet is known as Runt.
gellaho
Joe makes the only cogent point he's ever had
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Like I said, son, they are true fans. They think the series has gone downhill."
FancyShark
"Certainly isn't because they thought part 4 was a perfect way to end the series and part 5 is an obvious cashgrab"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"The spirits keep yelling at me about "Boris Karloff" and I keep telling them its 1991.
gellaho
"I haven't stolen from Poltergeist yet," thought the ghostwriter
FancyShark
And by Native American burial ground, he means he's murdered a lot of First Nation people and buried them in his basement
Gentleman Brendan
My school was actually built on native american burial ground.
But you know what?
EVERYWHERE IS NATIVE AMERICAN BURIAL GROUND
FancyShark
So your education was haunted?
Gentleman Brendan
No, but as noted in the meat party it was also the inspiration for The Craft.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
My local Native Americans got fucked up by Mormons so I'm in the clear.
Gentleman Brendan
I have the best story for some other time about that burial ground and my HS crush but for now, let's throw some acid at Joe.
gellaho
"We can go to the book depository later."
"You mean the library, Joe?"
"Yes... the library"
gellaho
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
YEEEE HAWWWW LETS MELT US A BOY!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The only indigenous graves near me are the ones caused by colonization.
Gentleman Brendan
My point, but graver, pun not intended.
gellaho
CAN'T. RESIST. SNACKING.
FancyShark
Food reminded him he forgot food
Gentleman Brendan
Joe, don't fill up, we have three pizza parlor meet-ups with the other teens tonight.
Fuck you Hardys, Chet is a normal kid dragged to endless pizza while you two drop all your caloric intake in the fear of guns pointed at you.
And you have the GALL to make fun of him
FancyShark
We love you, Chet!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
If they are serving proper Texas cuisine there will be some emu in there.
Maybe a possum.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Wait are the Hardy boys hobbits
gellaho
I'm sure the spooky haunted house would still be getting mail delivered. And milk. In 1990
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Hobbity Boys.
FancyShark
That would explain all the meals
Gentleman Brendan
We've already missed secondses pizza.
Why are hobbits so calorically needy?
FancyShark
It's the pipe weed
Gentleman Brendan
Hardy Bilbos
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I could see a mailman, you don't stop getting junk mail until youve been dead for 30 years.
But.......milk.........yeah man that is gonna spoil in that Texas heat.
Hope that was a period piece.
FancyShark
That means the milk is dead, which is just how The Reaper likes it
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The Reaper likes his milk to have extra squirmy protein.
Gentleman Brendan
You know, I could actually see Texas having a milkman. I went to a great BBQ joint that was a couple ranches in an otherwise typical suburban outpost. There might be a SMB farm that does local rounds.
gellaho
Is the Grim Reaper an alien?
Gentleman Brendan
But yeah, pull it in fast.
Did this book create Scream before there was scream?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe discovers sarcasm?
FancyShark
Freddy Krueger he is not
Gentleman Brendan
He would IMPLODE.
gellaho
Katz tries to prove that Clervi is a big baby for not swinging his scythe at the mailman
FancyShark
Thanks to editing, the gunshot that actually killed the mailman is almost undetectable
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Goddam they forgot it was a real scythe in like a day.
Gentleman Brendan
It sounds like 80% of this book could be solved by buying a locker and/or firing your prop master.
gellaho
"I am the least observant human in history! Now, let me kill this fake mailman"
Gentleman Brendan
Like just check your props!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This is why you hire union crews!
Gentleman Brendan
Come on, they just did this exact scene and they didn't even change brothers.
Is Joe at least going to hook up with a scream queen?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This movie is the The Crow of scythes.
gellaho
"My job, which is kill-I mean, nothing"
FancyShark
Joe's got his eye on a redheaded SFX lady
Gentleman Brendan
Lord, don't we all.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Paula low key admitting she has a fuckton of things to hurt people with.
Gentleman Brendan
To be honest, most redheads of my experience have some special effects.
One actually was a costumer.
Gentleman Brendan
The Scarecrow
FancyShark
Paula makes a note to stab Thornall with the actually real knife
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This movie is from like four years AFTER Hellraiser.
gellaho
"I mean, jeez, it's not like anybody died"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It keeps blowing my mind.
Gentleman Brendan
Only guy doing his job capably = bumpkin
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Not enough of my cast and crew have died for me to decide if this is a bad thing"
FancyShark
Dude, Flippant, we read a book where computer viruses made computers explode. They destroyed Chicago's Museum of Science and Industry
gellaho
Action! Micro-film! Anonymous librarian doing all the work!
gellaho
Nailed it
Gentleman Brendan
They taught us how to use microfilm the same year this book came out AND the internet became widely accessible.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
1991 was a good year for using microfilm machines, you had basically no wait time.
FancyShark
They found several unhelpful librarians, too. But we're not going to show that because it's not important
Gentleman Brendan
It was a fucking wild time for information.
LyraV
They definitely twiddled their thumbs while waiting for that librarian.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Oh yeah, computers being explosive is Hardy boys canon.
gellaho
Also, clones. Well, sort of clones. I don't have time to get into that
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Midway thru they had to wait for the bathroom key.
Gentleman Brendan
I swipe/variant this Sean punchline all the time, but nothing in technology is funnier to me than a computer breaking because it's asked to calculate love.
just sparks everywhere.
gellaho
Sticking with Hugheses, ok
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"FRANK HATE BOOK! FRANK HATE NONFICTION SECTION!"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This editor did not give a fuck
FancyShark
What A Hugh Encounter! was also considered
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"FRANK READ PERIODICALS LIKE FRANK OF CULTURE!"
gellaho
Now, don't be coy Frank. You are also a food monster
Gentleman Brendan
It's weird how they pastiched Poltergeist with Texas Chainsaw but the product was scream.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"FRANK REAL HANGRY FROM BOOK LEARNING!"
Gentleman Brendan
Sidebar: We watched the first couple TCMs last year--holy smokes, what a ride. The absolute insanity. The brutality of the first one and the eeriness of the second.
gellaho
Oh, but Hugheses's is too far. Got it
Gentleman Brendan
It was like the exact same flavor as a Butthole Surfers album.
FancyShark
Sheriff pops out of the bushes and asks if they have time for a quick game of Risk
gellaho
Frank takes some time to pointlessly think about holes
FancyShark
Yeah he does.
oh
Gentleman Brendan
Reptiles: famous for seeking out cooler temperatures.
FancyShark
He was aware of this, but still let Joe carry the thing that would draw attention
gellaho
We call that the Theodore Rex
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank is hungry, not a herpetologist.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
If only rattlesnakes had some way of alerting you of their presence.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Man, Clervi must have some real fuckin chops to overcome his 5'7 ness.
LyraV
Clerviman.
FancyShark
Clervi could have learned so much from Dennis Miller
gellaho
"She is fucking crazy, but we'll pretend she acts rationally and didn't stab me or feed me acid"
FancyShark
"Could it have something to do with all those bodies she couldn't drop off at the dump?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Frank, remind me to tell you about what blackmail means, son."
"Make a mental note in between cheeseburger thoughts."
gellaho
Now I think they're doing this on purpose
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I thought the fact that she made effects that cost a third of the price was why she was there in the first place.
gellaho
I'm guessing cardboard cutout
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Is the Hugheses thing like Attourneys General?
FancyShark
"Scared by promo material" is very Hardys
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Or like the Addamses?
gellaho
This same thing happened to me when I snuck into a teen bedroom dressed as Jason Voorhees
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank is going to kick a carboard promo standee to pieces and Joe is gonna cry when Ebay is invented
"I just came directly from set in my very menacing costume clutching a murder weapon.........to talk!"
gellaho
"I won't get arrested for this, right?"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"I brought the scythe for self defense."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Poor Clervi, someones trying to Scooby murder folk and he hasn't figured out that the best way to not get murdered and clear his name is to be in the local jail.
FancyShark
"Reluctantly wielding a scythe" is not an easy thing to pull off
gellaho
Joe thinks "objective" means "one who can see objects"
FancyShark
Joe just likes rhymes
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Does this count as a discworld reference?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"It's an objective detective directive, Frank!"
FancyShark
It could! Take a shot!
gellaho
"It's incredibly expensive"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Bullshit a small Texas town in the middle of a tourist boom goes dead at NINE!
Shit nobody comes to my town and it still isnt deserted by nine.
gellaho
"What do you mean my written mileage journal isn't admissible in court? "
FancyShark
People know anyone found after nine is the sheriff's New Friend
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Do you know why I pulled you over? It's so I could ask you if you wanted to see my vintage Stretch Armstrong."
gellaho
Time for a drive with the potential murderer
FancyShark
"License, registration and favorite Transformer. Mine's Sound Wave."
Watch, they turn the corner and the car is holding a scythe
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Oh by the way, I left my exonerating evidence in the cellar, the entrance is around in the spooky back yard. No that rusty padlock and chain came with the house, why?"
gellaho
But first, time to go into the house. The director likes to skulk around at night for "inspiration."
FancyShark
It's a prop chandelier. He'll be fine.
gellaho
Joe uses his powers of invulnerability
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The hell kind of fancy Yankee house is this to have a crystal chandelier?
FancyShark
Ghosts like to be pampered. What can you do?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also how have the 1990 methheads not stolen it?
gellaho
They find a trap that would never work in the attic
gellaho
Considering the fuse box is in the basement, the chandelier is hanging above ground floor, and the trap is in the attic
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"I have hunch, Frank, that this is no ORDINARY electrical fault!"
FancyShark
That in turn knocked the ball down the squiggly ramp, flipped the man into the pan and activated the mousetrap
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Somewhere in the house, the toast is done.
gellaho
"He can see through floors! I know it!"
Gentleman Brendan
Why is Frank even here? Joe is the real horny hero today.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
They can't leave Frank alone after that time he got hungry and ate Callie 128
FancyShark
Callie wishes he'd eat her
gellaho
EAT
FancyShark
Meanwhile, the caterers and interns have to split a bagel between their group of eighteen
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I'm seeing why Fenton takes these jobs, catering must really help with the Frank Chow bill.
Gentleman Brendan
Frank fights, fucks, and foods, I love him now.
gellaho
"My magic animatronics are why I'm on this two bit movie"
FancyShark
The hand crushed Joe's larynx.
Gentleman Brendan
Wait, no, it is Joe I love.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Really I'm trying to break into the Realistic Animatronic Fuckable Butthole market, so this is just helping me pay the bills while I do R&D."
FancyShark
Joe does not fuck. His dick just points him at people that will eventually resent him.
gellaho
Case closed
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"You're such a dummy dumb head, Frank." "CHEESEBURGER!"
gellaho
"That forty year old boy"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Yes that five seven hunk of Italian accountant fuckmeat."
FancyShark
Mmm, pity brownies
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
To be fair he IS a movie star.
That gets Texas Gmaws sloppy enough.
gellaho
On the way back, Frank developed psychic powers
FancyShark
"Then stop pointing at the gas tank!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
AKA The Texas Hello.
gellaho
The legally mandated explosion
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Now its Texas as fuck.
All we need is for them to jump a ravine in a sweet IROC.
FancyShark
And now they're permanently deaf
gellaho
This anticlimax didn't even bother with the chapter break
FancyShark
Audible? Fuck you
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Let them lie bleeding in that drainage ditch with the used condoms, deer carcasses and old tires.
It's perfectly safe.
gellaho
You would think Joe would have this reaction for every car explosion he's been in, but no
FancyShark
Continuity?!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Joe forgot what he was thinking about when he saw a neat lizard swimming in the ditch water."
Gentleman Brendan
Somebody was shooting at the plastic tank underneath the car? They should hire that sharpshooter for the movie!
gellaho
A sixty year old climbing a tree!? Impossible!
Gentleman Brendan
So somebody was IN A TREE with a high-powered rifle shooting at a moving target underneath several layers of metal, and you wonder if they were also AARP material.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Texas old men can shimmy up a tree in no time flat to take potshots at underage security guards.
Gentleman Brendan
Well I'm sorry, Frank, but this is just bad detective work.
No wonder Texas Joe is my favorite Hardy.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe is the brain, Frank is the CHEESEBURGER!
gellaho
"There's a lot of mercury poisoning in this area"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Oh and the Texas Whitetail is like ten feet long, square and has round feet, so you can see how people would make that mistake."
FancyShark
"Yep. Lotta bloodthirsty, triggerhappy gunmen around here. You boys feel like watching TV?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Dukes of Hazzard is on at 4:30!"
gellaho
"I'm very smug because someone has to hang out with me now"
FancyShark
"I got me near a full season of Mr. Ed on tape!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Clervi is going to have to play a mean game of Twister before his lawyer arrives, boy howdy."
Gentleman Brendan
Kudos to whichever one of you did Hg first
gellaho
"Maybe Judge Parker will play parcheesi with me now"
FancyShark
"Also, at least five bodies with no identification."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"It don't really matter who I arrest, because I am an elected official and its more important that I arrest SOMEONE."
gellaho
"Maybe I should take you boys in. Then I'll have a full game of Scrabble"
FancyShark
"I'm sure it's just one a' them 'haunches' I sometimes get. Never pay 'em no mind. Take care!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Hey, do y'all have 40k figures? You could borrow mine, I have enough for a four way match!"
gellaho
"Do you think I could get those punk idiots to do a Horror House marathon?"
Gentleman Brendan
They don't respect the PURITY of my haunted house.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sheriff Thornall is just really taking the Millions of Dead Cops concert personally.
gellaho
"We're playing Twenty Questions!"
FancyShark
"Stupid punks with their identical appearances to the only suspect I've given any serious thought to"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Gonna ask him about his ideal wedding."
gellaho
"I mean, I'm literally paid not to do this, but OK"
FancyShark
Thornall briefly wonders if he has time to pick up some pizzas and a party sub
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Technically Joe is a security guard, so I guess its okay.
gellaho
"You just said three names, Frank"
FancyShark
Harold and Kitty are fused at the skull
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
God I was joking about the Italian diaspora, but Robert Rinaldi is a name that smells like garlic bread.
FancyShark
Italians love their haunted Texas towns
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Ghost writer has some Italian pride.
Or just really hungry for pasta.
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
This is the plot of Traxx
gellaho
The security guard wonders why they're asking about the argument film producer Rinaldi and Warmouth were in
FancyShark
Excited or excited?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Of course I didnt tell you two, you're teen boys. I told the Sheriff like a normal person, what the fuck are you even doing here right now?"
gellaho
"I don't see what this has to do with murder"
FancyShark
Mike Exposition
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Just the regular savage verbal abuse between colleagues, nothing unusual."
gellaho
Which is why only three people work on the movie
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Lol these are some Roger Corman production values.
gellaho
"Only one guy makes Midnight Massacre, just a bunch of paper dolls and puppets"
FancyShark
Normally, the ghost writer doesn't give up and panic this overtly
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Rinaldi, hes'a fuckin'a jealous!"
gellaho
Gold explains that Clervi can't be replaced because he gets an impossible number of letters a week
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
Giallo was such a popular genre in 1991, it was all the rage!
gellaho
"Thousands of letters a week, but we can only afford one makeup/fx/prop artist and one trainee"
FancyShark
"Divorce papers are letters, right?"
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
The rest of the money is spent on responding to the letters
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Clervi made out with Brooke Shields on that USO tour six months ago! I literally cannot replace him."
gellaho
tugs on collar, gulps
FancyShark
Katz slowly places a hand over the "Sexy Reaper" concept art on his desk
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Uhhhh so, yeah........ not what it looks like, but yes, I have been in a legal battle to gain creative control of the film."
"PERFECTLY INNOCENTLY!"
gellaho
Katz sends them into a storm cellar. What could go wrong?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Of course, the dirt will be prop dirt, so don't worry."
gellaho
Goddamned SCORPIONS
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Okay that could legitimately be an accident, its Texas.
FancyShark
"Those scorpions are expensive, so please die quickly and don't squish any of them!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Cmon, ghost writer, its like youve never BEEN to Texas.
gellaho
Well, that was tense
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Texas scorpions are the big and less venomous ones, we had these imported from Burma."
gellaho
you always know it's a threat when it can be brushed off
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
All these scorpions are making Frank hungry.
He's just trying to get to craft services.
FancyShark
The pulse pounding terror of mild inconvenience!
Gentleman Brendan
I want a Slasher vs. Zombies movie.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
i didn't see the crowbar part and imagined joe reaching for a tiny broom
gellaho
"OK, scorpion break everyone. I know we didn't break for the murder, or attempted murders, but this is serious"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Typical director downplaying the scorpion infestation.
FancyShark
The scorpions are outside, hotwiring Katz's car
Gentleman Brendan
Don't they crawl into your boots precisely because they're warm at night?
We're putting a lot of faith in these non-mammalian heatseeking tendencies
gellaho
Seems legit
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
this ghostwriter doesn't know how animals work
FancyShark
"PS I'm definitely not dead and stuffed in the closet"
Gentleman Brendan
Fenton shot three undocumented immigrants in an overpriced sushi kitchen later that day.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fenton is not a great dad. "Yes, I realize you are being targeted by a murderer, but this is the FBI! It's a great opportunity for me!"
gellaho
"Wet with acid, I'm in immense pain"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It wont even be suspicious when Cathy gets killed by the giant hornets nest in the outhouse.
gellaho
Not sure about that last sentence, ghostwriter
FancyShark
"ROAD TRIP!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank thought "HUNGERRRR! CHEESEBURGER!"
Joe: "Boy I bet she has neat makeup tips!"
gellaho
"I am a terrible security guard!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Well, I let him in. I assumed he worked here."
"Also he had that big fuck off scythe and I am not paid enough for that shit."
FancyShark
Eddie is played by Don Knotts
gellaho
Ah, goddammit. It's just a nerd
Gentleman Brendan
Y TU CATHY TAMBIEN
FancyShark
"Those look like missile codes."
"Souvenir!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Okay so the kid is a kid relative to the two kids who are security staff on this film.....
gellaho
gasp
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"I KNEW IT JOE! PAULA WAS A FACE THIEF THE WHOLE TIME!"
gellaho
gasp also, why
FancyShark
What? It's not like he needs it
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Its actually real but Joe just has that big of a crush on Paula.
FancyShark
"Aaaagggghhhh! A fake human head!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank is a real pussy for a guy who karate kicks murders regularly.
gellaho
Joe proceeds to do terrible bits, forgetting the murder and how they almost exploded
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
An entire book of fake-out threats and this is the first one that's related to this being a movie prop-based murder mystery.
FancyShark
Since when has Joe managed to make actual jokes?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The ghostwriter just forgot the plot and slipped into Scooby Doo voice.
gellaho
Nothing weird here
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank definitely thinks Paula is a face stealing witch now.
Gentleman Brendan
When they're about mutilation of murdered corpses.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe knows but is too rock hard to say anything.
gellaho
You were doing fake body part bits two minutes ago
Gentleman Brendan
Is he counting all the animals that just scurried by them?
gellaho
But Frank tries to open a lockbox, and noooo
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"The scorpions don't count Joe, I ate three when you weren't looking."
FancyShark
Ohh, okay. So Joe wrote this
This is another Joe book
gellaho
Gotta lock up that blackmail material
FancyShark
Are you fucking serious, Frank?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Lol goddammit ghost writer, I was joking about the blackmail.
Gentleman Brendan
This murder just turned into a spicy case of BLACKMAIL!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And joking about it needing to be explained to Frank!
Gentleman Brendan
You've been killing it all evening, it was inevitable, like MAD and the Simpsons before you, you would predict all absurdities.
gellaho
"You stole my new friend, and I don't take kindly to that"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I think I would kick ass at ghost writing Hardy Boys books too.
"You've got to take his place as my dates to the annual Jam-Boree!"
"It's our towns annual homemade jam festival!"
"It's ghost themed?"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe hardy has only ever been on the receiving end of head injuries
gellaho
"Yes, my police force is incompetent enough that I think two teens can overcome it"
FancyShark
Thornall's annual reviews must be interesting
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Yes, the very physically intimidating teen boys coldcocked your deputy and broke a murderer out of jail.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
To be fair, he is a Texas sheriff, he could eat a baby in the town square and people would cheer if it was a Mexican baby.
gellaho
"Maybe now that he's concussed, I can get him to come over for dinner and fondue. I bought the fountain and everything"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Bullshit he has only two deputies.
I call bullshit!
gellaho
Now: food
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Doughnuts are the most plausible breakfast for teen boys yet.
gellaho
Cathy is also concussed
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
'Why are you asking me all these questions about my mentor's face collection?!"
FancyShark
"Sleep it off, Cathy."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"You see, she got a call from a foreign guy named John, he wanted to do some movie? I think it had something about face swapping?"
gellaho
And yet. Hardy Boys: The Movie is still but a dream
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuck you and your alliteration, Rinaldi! That's Joe's job!
FancyShark
"So, you boys have some kidneys to sell me?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Would'a you like'a some morning garlic'a bread?"
Gentleman Brendan
"I heard them Chinese make real good movies on account of all the cameras that come from Japan."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"He said something about "A metric fuckton of doves"?
Gentleman Brendan
Excuse me, Mr. Woo, you ain't from around here we FLY our flag and KNEEL our doves and we don't use METRIC
gellaho
"The Hugheses kept signing these terrible contracts, it's weird"
FancyShark
GASP
THE INSURANCE MONEY?!
Gentleman Brendan
Ten thousand every year or two for a house you already own in 1980s suburban Texas can't be bad money though.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
On top of two peoples social security.
Like......they ain't hurtin.
gellaho
Plenty of time to waste at the movies
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
that's 50k for this series so far, and they seem to put them out pretty quick
gellaho
Hammer is among the few real things they've named
That and Dumpster brand dumpsters
FancyShark
Nice try, Joe. We know you only read Highlights.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe has the soul of a teen who died on D-Day.
gellaho
Somebody really didn't like the movie
gellaho
FancyShark
Early version of Duck Hunt had some issues
gellaho
That's the only real option, because otherwise that's some of the worst aim possible
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Those old light guns were so innacurate.
gellaho
Free movie!? That tears it!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Zoinks! Now we have a REAL case!"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
there are easier ways to sneak into a movie, gunman.
Gentleman Brendan
Joe recognizes the soul of a man must encompass a yin and a yang, a warrior and a poet, a goofus AND a gallant.
gellaho
This is how people talk
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Yes, Paula. I know, I predicted it.
Also you're too hot to have murdered a dude, I know how these stories go.
Gentleman Brendan
Look, all I know is some lunatic fired a gun in a movie theater and suddenly your boys were seen dragging an uninjured woman against her will.
FancyShark
Paula better get some dental floss to pick all the scene out of her teeth
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
She wont have teeth for long, Joe is going to put her in a quiet basement to talk about movie trivia and also steal her teeth.
gellaho
"Why can't I make any friends?"
FancyShark
AKA "A quiet night in"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Consarn it, why does nobody in this goshdarn town stay arrested til Monday?!"
"We play Parcheesi on Monday before court!"
gellaho
The author has only written four characters, who is left?
FancyShark
Sheriff was up late playing Pong
Gentleman Brendan
Joe only loves horror movies this one book because he expurgates a persona every time he kills its perfect victim.
FancyShark
Ooo! I know!
It's Gold!
Gentleman Brendan
Once Paula is dead, there will be no more need to love horror. The horror will be outside, all around him now.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I think the ghost writer has forgotten who it is.
gellaho
Classic Ferris Bueller murder tactics
FancyShark
Not the context I'd imagine for the phrase "used a mechanical head"
Gentleman Brendan
Katz, you dog.
Gentleman Brendan
That was the first use, but then the head passed out immediately upon orgasm.
gellaho
Convenient closet
Gentleman Brendan
At what point do these dummies start solving mysteries standing back to back with guns pointed at every entrance?
gellaho
If this was the real Joe Hardy, he would have rushed without a second thought
Gentleman Brendan
The best part is Katz yelled bingo but REMAINED in the closet.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Never, cos Frank would eat his gun and Joe would drop his.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
ironically, this was the one gun on the set that was fake
Gentleman Brendan
This is a prop head dreaming it's Joe.
And, frankly, doing a much more productive job of it.
FancyShark
"Bingo!"
<fiddles with latch>
"...dammit"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
One of them yells "Cmon bro, its a revolver, he can only shoot one of us!"
Gentleman Brendan
Like all Katz had to do was stay there and sneak away, or like...shoot them before they could tell anyone
He did the only dumb mixture of ineffectiveness
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He's gotta explain his dastardly plan tho.
gellaho
Lotta fun for the kids
gellaho
FancyShark
Katz was playing Hardy Bingo like the rest of us
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And why not execute your teen antagonists in a grimy basement?
Keep it light.
Fun.
FancyShark
Joe takes the ball-gag out of Clervi's mouth
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Puts it back in as Clervi says "Oh thank God" because he wants to hear the muffled wailing.
gellaho
FRIEND!? We never danced in a fountain or anything!
gellaho
Who wants to guess why?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Millions? Really? Cmon Katz.
FancyShark
wait, gimme a sec
gellaho
It's dumb
FancyShark
Because Matthew refused to leave the series and go with him to a new project?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
No that would be reasonable.
FancyShark
Okay, then I'm guessing parking space
gellaho
I'll give you a hint: it's the universal dream for those who wish to see
FancyShark
hahaha
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
lmao
FancyShark
"He made my projects popular! DAMN HIM!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"I AM THE DIRECTOR! It's MY movie!"
Millions tho? Really? in 1991? For this movie?
FancyShark
It was this or Schindler's List
gellaho
I'm very proud of this idiotic plan
FancyShark
hahahahahahaha
Months!
He fired wildly in multiple public places to goad the people investigating him!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Stop laughing! No it's not literally a plot from Scooby-Doo! Fuck you!"
"I have a gun!"
Gentleman Brendan
Horror movies make bank on zero budget. And back then there was way less competition.
gellaho
I am laughing at your spooky skeletons
Gentleman Brendan
You'd think they'd be the costliest to make but nope.
FancyShark
You idiots didn't smell AN ENTIRE HOUSE SOAKED IN GASOLINE?!
gellaho
Some torture fun for the children
Gentleman Brendan
So many explosions it just follows them.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
the last thing Joe ever smelled is is girlfriend's burning hair.
Gentleman Brendan
When you're a hardy, detonation is your cologne.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You lose your sense of smell after the third car bomb
gellaho
I would kill for creative control
FancyShark
Katz needs a better agent
Gentleman Brendan
Did he even TRY asking another producer to let him replicate his success?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This is why you join unions my dude.
FancyShark
"For example, if I was in charge, this movie would have a rapping squirrel!"
gellaho
Wait, fire's hot!? Why didn't anyone tell me!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank went to the same school I did and paid attenion on fire safety day!
FancyShark
So they resign themselves to punching the hostage until they all asphyxiate
gellaho
Grim Reaper famously loves axes
FancyShark
Aw. I wanted him to use the axe to snag a key off a shelf
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Yeah you see, a scythe is hard to use to chop thru a door, real awkward and we wanted a scene like in The Shining."
gellaho
Thornall suddenly develops superspeed
Gentleman Brendan
The Hardy Boys make a lot more sense when you realize leaded gasoline was still prevalent in their childhood and the only kids' TV was Lidsville.
FancyShark
Thornall heard a group of more than two people. He wasn't going to waste an opportunity.
Gentleman Brendan
I'm disappointed not one person has employed colorful Texas metaphor.
Whither art thou, Dan Rather?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Finally someone to save! They'll be so grateful they'll HAVE to come over and watch my collection of VHS recorded episodes of Sanford and Son."
gellaho
"Leave me! I don't even have anyone to play Uno with"
FancyShark
"Before I drive you all to the ER, you wanna do a quick ten rounds at the bowling alley?"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
there's the Texas metaphor
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe and Frank turn simultaneously and shove the sheriff back into the burning building.
Gentleman Brendan
"This house is drier than a 40-year-old bride, and hotter'n your new barely legal stepdaughter! We've gotta hoof it!"
gellaho
It's like the ghostwriter got embarrassed by their own words
FancyShark
Thornall died as he lived: very very alone
oh, wait
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"We saved you for The Harvesting."
"Oh......Jenga? Anyone?"
Gentleman Brendan
The Burnt Offering must scream or The Bull of Heaven will not hear our prayers.
FancyShark
The near death experience gives Thornall an idea for limbo
gellaho
Think about it, kids! Imagine what that would be like for your hands
FancyShark
It's like Johnny Tremain! Except dumber and he has a brother
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe had totally forgotten whats her name, who died in a car bomb, and how she smelled as her fat cooked and spat on the hot metal.
gellaho
"We're going to get up to some games of Othello soon"
Gentleman Brendan
My 7th grade class never finished Johnny Tremaine and I have no idea what happened to that kid.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Probably died of dysentery.
Carried off by The Typhus.
Gentleman Brendan
The bumpkin was the REAL hero here.
FancyShark
I never finished it either. I got too bored. It was a lot of "waah, waah, my hand is a gnarled claw, I'll never be happy"
gellaho
The insurance money! Kind of
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Oh and you boys mind scoochin up in the back with that murderer? I got pizzas riding shotgun."
FancyShark
IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY! KIND OF!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Wait.......the horror?!
Of.......successful film careers?
Also......new life? Yall are on social security!
FancyShark
The ghosts were running an insurance scam
Gentleman Brendan
The spirits could not know peace until the colonizers' home was destroyed in fire.
gellaho
Trombone noise The End
Gentleman Brendan
They could have ended the undead's suffering at ANY time!
FancyShark
Frank punched his brother until dawn
Gentleman Brendan
Weird outing that doesn't end in a redhead saying she's had enough excitement, let's go get pizza.
or BBQ brisket, I guess.
FancyShark
She found love with the Lizard-Armed Couch
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #53: Web of Horror. I'm still not sure what the web was
FancyShark
Wooo!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The redhead found a new market for her creations in the adult film industry
FancyShark
Great job, everybody!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Paula went on to be on American Inventor, and win a million dollars for her prototype rubber butthole.
FancyShark
Clervi went on to slip and hit his head in the shower
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
She never told anyone it was Cathy's butthole, and Cathy never realized Paula was locking her in a dungeon.
gellaho
So ends the 59th edition of The Book Cage
FancyShark
Thank you again, @gellaho !
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I have so much fun doing this.
FancyShark
These are always a blast
FancyShark
You're really good at this, too!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I legit worried Id oversleep today too.
Gentleman Brendan
This is my favorite of the victory covers.
We fucking rocked this one.
FancyShark
Hell yeah we did
Gentleman Brendan
@Karate Physics Flippant Sausage the MVP tonight.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Thanks again everyone, this was a lot of fun.
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
Hey! I even said a thing this time instead of working!
