Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"The spirits keep yelling at me about "Boris Karloff" and I keep telling them its 1991.
61: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #53: Web of Horror Franklin W. Dixon
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When your worst nightmare comes true, it's best to stay awake - if you want to stay alive!
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gellaho
"I haven't stolen from Poltergeist yet," thought the ghostwriter
FancyShark
And by Native American burial ground, he means he's murdered a lot of First Nation people and buried them in his basement
Gentleman Brendan
My school was actually built on native american burial ground.
But you know what?
EVERYWHERE IS NATIVE AMERICAN BURIAL GROUND
FancyShark
So your education was haunted?
Gentleman Brendan
No, but as noted in the meat party it was also the inspiration for The Craft.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
My local Native Americans got fucked up by Mormons so I'm in the clear.
Gentleman Brendan
I have the best story for some other time about that burial ground and my HS crush but for now, let's throw some acid at Joe.
gellaho
"We can go to the book depository later."
"You mean the library, Joe?"
"Yes... the library"
gellaho
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
YEEEE HAWWWW LETS MELT US A BOY!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The only indigenous graves near me are the ones caused by colonization.
Gentleman Brendan
My point, but graver, pun not intended.
gellaho
CAN'T. RESIST. SNACKING.
FancyShark
Food reminded him he forgot food
Gentleman Brendan
Joe, don't fill up, we have three pizza parlor meet-ups with the other teens tonight.
Fuck you Hardys, Chet is a normal kid dragged to endless pizza while you two drop all your caloric intake in the fear of guns pointed at you.
And you have the GALL to make fun of him
FancyShark
We love you, Chet!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
If they are serving proper Texas cuisine there will be some emu in there.
Maybe a possum.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Wait are the Hardy boys hobbits
gellaho
I'm sure the spooky haunted house would still be getting mail delivered. And milk. In 1990
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Hobbity Boys.
FancyShark
That would explain all the meals
Gentleman Brendan
We've already missed secondses pizza.
Why are hobbits so calorically needy?
FancyShark
It's the pipe weed
Gentleman Brendan
Hardy Bilbos
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I could see a mailman, you don't stop getting junk mail until youve been dead for 30 years.
But.......milk.........yeah man that is gonna spoil in that Texas heat.
Hope that was a period piece.
FancyShark
That means the milk is dead, which is just how The Reaper likes it
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The Reaper likes his milk to have extra squirmy protein.
Gentleman Brendan
You know, I could actually see Texas having a milkman. I went to a great BBQ joint that was a couple ranches in an otherwise typical suburban outpost. There might be a SMB farm that does local rounds.
gellaho
Is the Grim Reaper an alien?
Gentleman Brendan
But yeah, pull it in fast.
Did this book create Scream before there was scream?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe discovers sarcasm?
FancyShark
Freddy Krueger he is not
Gentleman Brendan
He would IMPLODE.
gellaho
Katz tries to prove that Clervi is a big baby for not swinging his scythe at the mailman
FancyShark
Thanks to editing, the gunshot that actually killed the mailman is almost undetectable
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Goddam they forgot it was a real scythe in like a day.
Gentleman Brendan
It sounds like 80% of this book could be solved by buying a locker and/or firing your prop master.
gellaho
"I am the least observant human in history! Now, let me kill this fake mailman"
Gentleman Brendan
Like just check your props!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This is why you hire union crews!
Gentleman Brendan
Come on, they just did this exact scene and they didn't even change brothers.
Is Joe at least going to hook up with a scream queen?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This movie is the The Crow of scythes.
gellaho
"My job, which is kill-I mean, nothing"
FancyShark
Joe's got his eye on a redheaded SFX lady
Gentleman Brendan
Lord, don't we all.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Paula low key admitting she has a fuckton of things to hurt people with.
Gentleman Brendan
To be honest, most redheads of my experience have some special effects.
One actually was a costumer.
Gentleman Brendan
The Scarecrow
FancyShark
Paula makes a note to stab Thornall with the actually real knife
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This movie is from like four years AFTER Hellraiser.
gellaho
"I mean, jeez, it's not like anybody died"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It keeps blowing my mind.
Gentleman Brendan
Only guy doing his job capably = bumpkin
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Not enough of my cast and crew have died for me to decide if this is a bad thing"
FancyShark
Dude, Flippant, we read a book where computer viruses made computers explode. They destroyed Chicago's Museum of Science and Industry
gellaho
Action! Micro-film! Anonymous librarian doing all the work!
gellaho
Nailed it
Gentleman Brendan
They taught us how to use microfilm the same year this book came out AND the internet became widely accessible.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
1991 was a good year for using microfilm machines, you had basically no wait time.
FancyShark
They found several unhelpful librarians, too. But we're not going to show that because it's not important
Gentleman Brendan
It was a fucking wild time for information.
LyraV
They definitely twiddled their thumbs while waiting for that librarian.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Oh yeah, computers being explosive is Hardy boys canon.
gellaho
Also, clones. Well, sort of clones. I don't have time to get into that
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Midway thru they had to wait for the bathroom key.
Gentleman Brendan
I swipe/variant this Sean punchline all the time, but nothing in technology is funnier to me than a computer breaking because it's asked to calculate love.
just sparks everywhere.
gellaho
Sticking with Hugheses, ok
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"FRANK HATE BOOK! FRANK HATE NONFICTION SECTION!"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This editor did not give a fuck
FancyShark
What A Hugh Encounter! was also considered
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"FRANK READ PERIODICALS LIKE FRANK OF CULTURE!"
gellaho
Now, don't be coy Frank. You are also a food monster
Gentleman Brendan
It's weird how they pastiched Poltergeist with Texas Chainsaw but the product was scream.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"FRANK REAL HANGRY FROM BOOK LEARNING!"
Gentleman Brendan
Sidebar: We watched the first couple TCMs last year--holy smokes, what a ride. The absolute insanity. The brutality of the first one and the eeriness of the second.
gellaho
Oh, but Hugheses's is too far. Got it
Gentleman Brendan
It was like the exact same flavor as a Butthole Surfers album.
FancyShark
Sheriff pops out of the bushes and asks if they have time for a quick game of Risk
gellaho
Frank takes some time to pointlessly think about holes
FancyShark
Yeah he does.
oh
Gentleman Brendan
Reptiles: famous for seeking out cooler temperatures.
FancyShark
He was aware of this, but still let Joe carry the thing that would draw attention
gellaho
We call that the Theodore Rex
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank is hungry, not a herpetologist.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
If only rattlesnakes had some way of alerting you of their presence.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Man, Clervi must have some real fuckin chops to overcome his 5'7 ness.
LyraV
Clerviman.
FancyShark
Clervi could have learned so much from Dennis Miller
gellaho
"She is fucking crazy, but we'll pretend she acts rationally and didn't stab me or feed me acid"
FancyShark
"Could it have something to do with all those bodies she couldn't drop off at the dump?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Frank, remind me to tell you about what blackmail means, son."
"Make a mental note in between cheeseburger thoughts."
gellaho
Now I think they're doing this on purpose
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I thought the fact that she made effects that cost a third of the price was why she was there in the first place.
gellaho
I'm guessing cardboard cutout
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Is the Hugheses thing like Attourneys General?
FancyShark
"Scared by promo material" is very Hardys
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Or like the Addamses?
gellaho
This same thing happened to me when I snuck into a teen bedroom dressed as Jason Voorhees
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank is going to kick a carboard promo standee to pieces and Joe is gonna cry when Ebay is invented
"I just came directly from set in my very menacing costume clutching a murder weapon.........to talk!"
gellaho
"I won't get arrested for this, right?"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"I brought the scythe for self defense."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Poor Clervi, someones trying to Scooby murder folk and he hasn't figured out that the best way to not get murdered and clear his name is to be in the local jail.
FancyShark
"Reluctantly wielding a scythe" is not an easy thing to pull off
gellaho
Joe thinks "objective" means "one who can see objects"
FancyShark
Joe just likes rhymes
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Does this count as a discworld reference?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"It's an objective detective directive, Frank!"
FancyShark
It could! Take a shot!
gellaho
"It's incredibly expensive"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Bullshit a small Texas town in the middle of a tourist boom goes dead at NINE!
Shit nobody comes to my town and it still isnt deserted by nine.
gellaho
"What do you mean my written mileage journal isn't admissible in court? "
FancyShark
People know anyone found after nine is the sheriff's New Friend
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Do you know why I pulled you over? It's so I could ask you if you wanted to see my vintage Stretch Armstrong."
gellaho
Time for a drive with the potential murderer
FancyShark
"License, registration and favorite Transformer. Mine's Sound Wave."
Watch, they turn the corner and the car is holding a scythe
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Oh by the way, I left my exonerating evidence in the cellar, the entrance is around in the spooky back yard. No that rusty padlock and chain came with the house, why?"
gellaho
But first, time to go into the house. The director likes to skulk around at night for "inspiration."
FancyShark
It's a prop chandelier. He'll be fine.
gellaho
Joe uses his powers of invulnerability
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The hell kind of fancy Yankee house is this to have a crystal chandelier?
FancyShark
Ghosts like to be pampered. What can you do?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also how have the 1990 methheads not stolen it?
gellaho
They find a trap that would never work in the attic
gellaho
Considering the fuse box is in the basement, the chandelier is hanging above ground floor, and the trap is in the attic
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"I have hunch, Frank, that this is no ORDINARY electrical fault!"
FancyShark
That in turn knocked the ball down the squiggly ramp, flipped the man into the pan and activated the mousetrap
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Somewhere in the house, the toast is done.
gellaho
"He can see through floors! I know it!"
Gentleman Brendan
Why is Frank even here? Joe is the real horny hero today.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
They can't leave Frank alone after that time he got hungry and ate Callie 128
FancyShark
Callie wishes he'd eat her
gellaho
EAT
FancyShark
Meanwhile, the caterers and interns have to split a bagel between their group of eighteen
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I'm seeing why Fenton takes these jobs, catering must really help with the Frank Chow bill.
Gentleman Brendan
Frank fights, fucks, and foods, I love him now.
gellaho
"My magic animatronics are why I'm on this two bit movie"
FancyShark
The hand crushed Joe's larynx.
Gentleman Brendan
Wait, no, it is Joe I love.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Really I'm trying to break into the Realistic Animatronic Fuckable Butthole market, so this is just helping me pay the bills while I do R&D."
FancyShark
Joe does not fuck. His dick just points him at people that will eventually resent him.
gellaho
Case closed
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"You're such a dummy dumb head, Frank." "CHEESEBURGER!"
gellaho
"That forty year old boy"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Yes that five seven hunk of Italian accountant fuckmeat."
FancyShark
Mmm, pity brownies
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
To be fair he IS a movie star.
That gets Texas Gmaws sloppy enough.
gellaho
On the way back, Frank developed psychic powers
FancyShark
"Then stop pointing at the gas tank!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
AKA The Texas Hello.
gellaho
The legally mandated explosion
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Now its Texas as fuck.
All we need is for them to jump a ravine in a sweet IROC.
FancyShark
And now they're permanently deaf
gellaho
This anticlimax didn't even bother with the chapter break
FancyShark
Audible? Fuck you
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Let them lie bleeding in that drainage ditch with the used condoms, deer carcasses and old tires.
It's perfectly safe.
gellaho
You would think Joe would have this reaction for every car explosion he's been in, but no
FancyShark
Continuity?!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Joe forgot what he was thinking about when he saw a neat lizard swimming in the ditch water."
Gentleman Brendan
Somebody was shooting at the plastic tank underneath the car? They should hire that sharpshooter for the movie!
gellaho
A sixty year old climbing a tree!? Impossible!
Gentleman Brendan
So somebody was IN A TREE with a high-powered rifle shooting at a moving target underneath several layers of metal, and you wonder if they were also AARP material.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Texas old men can shimmy up a tree in no time flat to take potshots at underage security guards.
Gentleman Brendan
Well I'm sorry, Frank, but this is just bad detective work.
No wonder Texas Joe is my favorite Hardy.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe is the brain, Frank is the CHEESEBURGER!
gellaho
"There's a lot of mercury poisoning in this area"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Oh and the Texas Whitetail is like ten feet long, square and has round feet, so you can see how people would make that mistake."
FancyShark
"Yep. Lotta bloodthirsty, triggerhappy gunmen around here. You boys feel like watching TV?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Dukes of Hazzard is on at 4:30!"
gellaho
"I'm very smug because someone has to hang out with me now"
FancyShark
"I got me near a full season of Mr. Ed on tape!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Clervi is going to have to play a mean game of Twister before his lawyer arrives, boy howdy."
Gentleman Brendan
Kudos to whichever one of you did Hg first
gellaho
"Maybe Judge Parker will play parcheesi with me now"
FancyShark
"Also, at least five bodies with no identification."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"It don't really matter who I arrest, because I am an elected official and its more important that I arrest SOMEONE."
gellaho
"Maybe I should take you boys in. Then I'll have a full game of Scrabble"
FancyShark
"I'm sure it's just one a' them 'haunches' I sometimes get. Never pay 'em no mind. Take care!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Hey, do y'all have 40k figures? You could borrow mine, I have enough for a four way match!"
gellaho
"Do you think I could get those punk idiots to do a Horror House marathon?"
Gentleman Brendan
They don't respect the PURITY of my haunted house.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sheriff Thornall is just really taking the Millions of Dead Cops concert personally.
gellaho
"We're playing Twenty Questions!"
FancyShark
"Stupid punks with their identical appearances to the only suspect I've given any serious thought to"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Gonna ask him about his ideal wedding."
gellaho
"I mean, I'm literally paid not to do this, but OK"
FancyShark
Thornall briefly wonders if he has time to pick up some pizzas and a party sub
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Technically Joe is a security guard, so I guess its okay.
gellaho
"You just said three names, Frank"
FancyShark
Harold and Kitty are fused at the skull
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
God I was joking about the Italian diaspora, but Robert Rinaldi is a name that smells like garlic bread.
FancyShark
Italians love their haunted Texas towns
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Ghost writer has some Italian pride.
Or just really hungry for pasta.
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
This is the plot of Traxx
gellaho
The security guard wonders why they're asking about the argument film producer Rinaldi and Warmouth were in
FancyShark
Excited or excited?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Of course I didnt tell you two, you're teen boys. I told the Sheriff like a normal person, what the fuck are you even doing here right now?"
gellaho
"I don't see what this has to do with murder"
FancyShark
Mike Exposition
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Just the regular savage verbal abuse between colleagues, nothing unusual."
gellaho
Which is why only three people work on the movie
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Lol these are some Roger Corman production values.
gellaho
"Only one guy makes Midnight Massacre, just a bunch of paper dolls and puppets"
FancyShark
Normally, the ghost writer doesn't give up and panic this overtly
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Rinaldi, hes'a fuckin'a jealous!"
gellaho
Gold explains that Clervi can't be replaced because he gets an impossible number of letters a week
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
Giallo was such a popular genre in 1991, it was all the rage!
gellaho
"Thousands of letters a week, but we can only afford one makeup/fx/prop artist and one trainee"
FancyShark
"Divorce papers are letters, right?"
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
The rest of the money is spent on responding to the letters
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Clervi made out with Brooke Shields on that USO tour six months ago! I literally cannot replace him."
gellaho
tugs on collar, gulps
FancyShark
Katz slowly places a hand over the "Sexy Reaper" concept art on his desk
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Uhhhh so, yeah........ not what it looks like, but yes, I have been in a legal battle to gain creative control of the film."
"PERFECTLY INNOCENTLY!"
gellaho
Katz sends them into a storm cellar. What could go wrong?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Of course, the dirt will be prop dirt, so don't worry."
gellaho
Goddamned SCORPIONS
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Okay that could legitimately be an accident, its Texas.
FancyShark
"Those scorpions are expensive, so please die quickly and don't squish any of them!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Cmon, ghost writer, its like youve never BEEN to Texas.
gellaho
Well, that was tense
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Texas scorpions are the big and less venomous ones, we had these imported from Burma."
gellaho
you always know it's a threat when it can be brushed off
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
All these scorpions are making Frank hungry.
He's just trying to get to craft services.
FancyShark
The pulse pounding terror of mild inconvenience!
Gentleman Brendan
I want a Slasher vs. Zombies movie.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
i didn't see the crowbar part and imagined joe reaching for a tiny broom
gellaho
"OK, scorpion break everyone. I know we didn't break for the murder, or attempted murders, but this is serious"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Typical director downplaying the scorpion infestation.
FancyShark
The scorpions are outside, hotwiring Katz's car
Gentleman Brendan
Don't they crawl into your boots precisely because they're warm at night?
We're putting a lot of faith in these non-mammalian heatseeking tendencies
gellaho
Seems legit
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
this ghostwriter doesn't know how animals work
FancyShark
"PS I'm definitely not dead and stuffed in the closet"
Gentleman Brendan
Fenton shot three undocumented immigrants in an overpriced sushi kitchen later that day.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fenton is not a great dad. "Yes, I realize you are being targeted by a murderer, but this is the FBI! It's a great opportunity for me!"
gellaho
"Wet with acid, I'm in immense pain"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It wont even be suspicious when Cathy gets killed by the giant hornets nest in the outhouse.
gellaho
Not sure about that last sentence, ghostwriter
FancyShark
"ROAD TRIP!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank thought "HUNGERRRR! CHEESEBURGER!"
Joe: "Boy I bet she has neat makeup tips!"
gellaho
"I am a terrible security guard!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Well, I let him in. I assumed he worked here."
"Also he had that big fuck off scythe and I am not paid enough for that shit."
FancyShark
Eddie is played by Don Knotts
gellaho
Ah, goddammit. It's just a nerd
Gentleman Brendan
Y TU CATHY TAMBIEN
FancyShark
"Those look like missile codes."
"Souvenir!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Okay so the kid is a kid relative to the two kids who are security staff on this film.....
gellaho
gasp
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"I KNEW IT JOE! PAULA WAS A FACE THIEF THE WHOLE TIME!"