gellaho
gasp also, why
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gasp also, why
What? It's not like he needs it
Its actually real but Joe just has that big of a crush on Paula.
"Aaaagggghhhh! A fake human head!"
Frank is a real pussy for a guy who karate kicks murders regularly.
Joe proceeds to do terrible bits, forgetting the murder and how they almost exploded
An entire book of fake-out threats and this is the first one that's related to this being a movie prop-based murder mystery.
Since when has Joe managed to make actual jokes?
The ghostwriter just forgot the plot and slipped into Scooby Doo voice.
Nothing weird here
Frank definitely thinks Paula is a face stealing witch now.
When they're about mutilation of murdered corpses.
Joe knows but is too rock hard to say anything.
You were doing fake body part bits two minutes ago
Is he counting all the animals that just scurried by them?
But Frank tries to open a lockbox, and noooo
"The scorpions don't count Joe, I ate three when you weren't looking."
Ohh, okay. So Joe wrote this
This is another Joe book
Gotta lock up that blackmail material
Are you fucking serious, Frank?
Lol goddammit ghost writer, I was joking about the blackmail.
This murder just turned into a spicy case of BLACKMAIL!
And joking about it needing to be explained to Frank!
You've been killing it all evening, it was inevitable, like MAD and the Simpsons before you, you would predict all absurdities.
"You stole my new friend, and I don't take kindly to that"
I think I would kick ass at ghost writing Hardy Boys books too.
"You've got to take his place as my dates to the annual Jam-Boree!"
"It's our towns annual homemade jam festival!"
"It's ghost themed?"
Joe hardy has only ever been on the receiving end of head injuries
"Yes, my police force is incompetent enough that I think two teens can overcome it"
Thornall's annual reviews must be interesting
Yes, the very physically intimidating teen boys coldcocked your deputy and broke a murderer out of jail.
To be fair, he is a Texas sheriff, he could eat a baby in the town square and people would cheer if it was a Mexican baby.
"Maybe now that he's concussed, I can get him to come over for dinner and fondue. I bought the fountain and everything"
Bullshit he has only two deputies.
I call bullshit!
Now: food
Doughnuts are the most plausible breakfast for teen boys yet.
Cathy is also concussed
'Why are you asking me all these questions about my mentor's face collection?!"
"Sleep it off, Cathy."
"You see, she got a call from a foreign guy named John, he wanted to do some movie? I think it had something about face swapping?"
And yet. Hardy Boys: The Movie is still but a dream
Fuck you and your alliteration, Rinaldi! That's Joe's job!
"So, you boys have some kidneys to sell me?"
"Would'a you like'a some morning garlic'a bread?"
"I heard them Chinese make real good movies on account of all the cameras that come from Japan."
"He said something about "A metric fuckton of doves"?
Excuse me, Mr. Woo, you ain't from around here we FLY our flag and KNEEL our doves and we don't use METRIC
"The Hugheses kept signing these terrible contracts, it's weird"
GASP
THE INSURANCE MONEY?!
Ten thousand every year or two for a house you already own in 1980s suburban Texas can't be bad money though.
On top of two peoples social security.
Like......they ain't hurtin.
Plenty of time to waste at the movies
that's 50k for this series so far, and they seem to put them out pretty quick
Hammer is among the few real things they've named
That and Dumpster brand dumpsters
Nice try, Joe. We know you only read Highlights.
Joe has the soul of a teen who died on D-Day.
Somebody really didn't like the movie
Early version of Duck Hunt had some issues
That's the only real option, because otherwise that's some of the worst aim possible
Those old light guns were so innacurate.
Free movie!? That tears it!
"Zoinks! Now we have a REAL case!"
there are easier ways to sneak into a movie, gunman.
Joe recognizes the soul of a man must encompass a yin and a yang, a warrior and a poet, a goofus AND a gallant.
This is how people talk
Yes, Paula. I know, I predicted it.
Also you're too hot to have murdered a dude, I know how these stories go.
Look, all I know is some lunatic fired a gun in a movie theater and suddenly your boys were seen dragging an uninjured woman against her will.
Paula better get some dental floss to pick all the scene out of her teeth
She wont have teeth for long, Joe is going to put her in a quiet basement to talk about movie trivia and also steal her teeth.
"Why can't I make any friends?"
AKA "A quiet night in"
"Consarn it, why does nobody in this goshdarn town stay arrested til Monday?!"
"We play Parcheesi on Monday before court!"
The author has only written four characters, who is left?
Sheriff was up late playing Pong
Joe only loves horror movies this one book because he expurgates a persona every time he kills its perfect victim.
Ooo! I know!
It's Gold!
Once Paula is dead, there will be no more need to love horror. The horror will be outside, all around him now.
I think the ghost writer has forgotten who it is.
Classic Ferris Bueller murder tactics
Not the context I'd imagine for the phrase "used a mechanical head"
Katz, you dog.
That was the first use, but then the head passed out immediately upon orgasm.
Convenient closet
At what point do these dummies start solving mysteries standing back to back with guns pointed at every entrance?
If this was the real Joe Hardy, he would have rushed without a second thought
The best part is Katz yelled bingo but REMAINED in the closet.
Never, cos Frank would eat his gun and Joe would drop his.
ironically, this was the one gun on the set that was fake
This is a prop head dreaming it's Joe.
And, frankly, doing a much more productive job of it.
"Bingo!"
<fiddles with latch>
"...dammit"
One of them yells "Cmon bro, its a revolver, he can only shoot one of us!"
Like all Katz had to do was stay there and sneak away, or like...shoot them before they could tell anyone
He did the only dumb mixture of ineffectiveness
He's gotta explain his dastardly plan tho.
Lotta fun for the kids
Katz was playing Hardy Bingo like the rest of us
And why not execute your teen antagonists in a grimy basement?
Keep it light.
Fun.
Joe takes the ball-gag out of Clervi's mouth
Puts it back in as Clervi says "Oh thank God" because he wants to hear the muffled wailing.
FRIEND!? We never danced in a fountain or anything!
Who wants to guess why?
Millions? Really? Cmon Katz.
wait, gimme a sec
It's dumb
Because Matthew refused to leave the series and go with him to a new project?
No that would be reasonable.
Okay, then I'm guessing parking space
I'll give you a hint: it's the universal dream for those who wish to see
hahaha
lmao
"He made my projects popular! DAMN HIM!"
"I AM THE DIRECTOR! It's MY movie!"
Millions tho? Really? in 1991? For this movie?
It was this or Schindler's List
I'm very proud of this idiotic plan
hahahahahahaha
Months!
He fired wildly in multiple public places to goad the people investigating him!
"Stop laughing! No it's not literally a plot from Scooby-Doo! Fuck you!"
"I have a gun!"
Horror movies make bank on zero budget. And back then there was way less competition.
I am laughing at your spooky skeletons
You'd think they'd be the costliest to make but nope.
You idiots didn't smell AN ENTIRE HOUSE SOAKED IN GASOLINE?!
Some torture fun for the children
So many explosions it just follows them.
the last thing Joe ever smelled is is girlfriend's burning hair.
When you're a hardy, detonation is your cologne.
You lose your sense of smell after the third car bomb
I would kill for creative control
Katz needs a better agent
Did he even TRY asking another producer to let him replicate his success?
This is why you join unions my dude.
"For example, if I was in charge, this movie would have a rapping squirrel!"
Wait, fire's hot!? Why didn't anyone tell me!
Frank went to the same school I did and paid attenion on fire safety day!
So they resign themselves to punching the hostage until they all asphyxiate
Grim Reaper famously loves axes
Aw. I wanted him to use the axe to snag a key off a shelf
"Yeah you see, a scythe is hard to use to chop thru a door, real awkward and we wanted a scene like in The Shining."
Thornall suddenly develops superspeed
The Hardy Boys make a lot more sense when you realize leaded gasoline was still prevalent in their childhood and the only kids' TV was Lidsville.
Thornall heard a group of more than two people. He wasn't going to waste an opportunity.
I'm disappointed not one person has employed colorful Texas metaphor.
Whither art thou, Dan Rather?
"Finally someone to save! They'll be so grateful they'll HAVE to come over and watch my collection of VHS recorded episodes of Sanford and Son."
"Leave me! I don't even have anyone to play Uno with"
"Before I drive you all to the ER, you wanna do a quick ten rounds at the bowling alley?"
there's the Texas metaphor
Joe and Frank turn simultaneously and shove the sheriff back into the burning building.
"This house is drier than a 40-year-old bride, and hotter'n your new barely legal stepdaughter! We've gotta hoof it!"
It's like the ghostwriter got embarrassed by their own words
Thornall died as he lived: very very alone
oh, wait
"We saved you for The Harvesting."
"Oh......Jenga? Anyone?"
The Burnt Offering must scream or The Bull of Heaven will not hear our prayers.
The near death experience gives Thornall an idea for limbo
Think about it, kids! Imagine what that would be like for your hands
It's like Johnny Tremain! Except dumber and he has a brother
Joe had totally forgotten whats her name, who died in a car bomb, and how she smelled as her fat cooked and spat on the hot metal.
"We're going to get up to some games of Othello soon"
My 7th grade class never finished Johnny Tremaine and I have no idea what happened to that kid.
Probably died of dysentery.
Carried off by The Typhus.
The bumpkin was the REAL hero here.
I never finished it either. I got too bored. It was a lot of "waah, waah, my hand is a gnarled claw, I'll never be happy"
The insurance money! Kind of
"Oh and you boys mind scoochin up in the back with that murderer? I got pizzas riding shotgun."
IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY! KIND OF!
Wait.......the horror?!
Of.......successful film careers?
Also......new life? Yall are on social security!
The ghosts were running an insurance scam
The spirits could not know peace until the colonizers' home was destroyed in fire.
Trombone noise The End
They could have ended the undead's suffering at ANY time!
Frank punched his brother until dawn
Weird outing that doesn't end in a redhead saying she's had enough excitement, let's go get pizza.
or BBQ brisket, I guess.
She found love with the Lizard-Armed Couch
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #53: Web of Horror. I'm still not sure what the web was
Wooo!
The redhead found a new market for her creations in the adult film industry
Great job, everybody!
Paula went on to be on American Inventor, and win a million dollars for her prototype rubber butthole.
Clervi went on to slip and hit his head in the shower
She never told anyone it was Cathy's butthole, and Cathy never realized Paula was locking her in a dungeon.
So ends the 59th edition of The Book Cage
Thank you again, @gellaho !
I have so much fun doing this.
These are always a blast
You're really good at this, too!
I legit worried Id oversleep today too.
This is my favorite of the victory covers.
We fucking rocked this one.
Hell yeah we did
@Karate Physics Flippant Sausage the MVP tonight.
Thanks again everyone, this was a lot of fun.
Hey! I even said a thing this time instead of working!
🥳
Thanks, @gellaho -- our commissioner