61: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #53: Web of Horror Franklin W. Dixon

gellaho

gasp also, why

FancyShark

What? It's not like he needs it

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Its actually real but Joe just has that big of a crush on Paula.

FancyShark

"Aaaagggghhhh! A fake human head!"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Frank is a real pussy for a guy who karate kicks murders regularly.

gellaho

Joe proceeds to do terrible bits, forgetting the murder and how they almost exploded

gellaho

Gentleman Brendan

An entire book of fake-out threats and this is the first one that's related to this being a movie prop-based murder mystery.

FancyShark

Since when has Joe managed to make actual jokes?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

The ghostwriter just forgot the plot and slipped into Scooby Doo voice.

gellaho

Nothing weird here

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Frank definitely thinks Paula is a face stealing witch now.

Gentleman Brendan

When they're about mutilation of murdered corpses.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe knows but is too rock hard to say anything.

gellaho

You were doing fake body part bits two minutes ago

Gentleman Brendan

Is he counting all the animals that just scurried by them?

gellaho

But Frank tries to open a lockbox, and noooo

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"The scorpions don't count Joe, I ate three when you weren't looking."

FancyShark

Ohh, okay. So Joe wrote this

This is another Joe book

gellaho

Gotta lock up that blackmail material

FancyShark

Are you fucking serious, Frank?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Lol goddammit ghost writer, I was joking about the blackmail.

Gentleman Brendan

This murder just turned into a spicy case of BLACKMAIL!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

And joking about it needing to be explained to Frank!

Gentleman Brendan

You've been killing it all evening, it was inevitable, like MAD and the Simpsons before you, you would predict all absurdities.

gellaho

"You stole my new friend, and I don't take kindly to that"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

I think I would kick ass at ghost writing Hardy Boys books too.

"You've got to take his place as my dates to the annual Jam-Boree!"

"It's our towns annual homemade jam festival!"

"It's ghost themed?"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Joe hardy has only ever been on the receiving end of head injuries

gellaho

"Yes, my police force is incompetent enough that I think two teens can overcome it"

FancyShark

Thornall's annual reviews must be interesting

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Yes, the very physically intimidating teen boys coldcocked your deputy and broke a murderer out of jail.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

To be fair, he is a Texas sheriff, he could eat a baby in the town square and people would cheer if it was a Mexican baby.

gellaho

"Maybe now that he's concussed, I can get him to come over for dinner and fondue. I bought the fountain and everything"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Bullshit he has only two deputies.

I call bullshit!

gellaho

Now: food

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Doughnuts are the most plausible breakfast for teen boys yet.

gellaho

Cathy is also concussed

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

'Why are you asking me all these questions about my mentor's face collection?!"

FancyShark

"Sleep it off, Cathy."

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"You see, she got a call from a foreign guy named John, he wanted to do some movie? I think it had something about face swapping?"

gellaho

And yet. Hardy Boys: The Movie is still but a dream

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Fuck you and your alliteration, Rinaldi! That's Joe's job!

FancyShark

"So, you boys have some kidneys to sell me?"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Would'a you like'a some morning garlic'a bread?"

Gentleman Brendan

"I heard them Chinese make real good movies on account of all the cameras that come from Japan."

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"He said something about "A metric fuckton of doves"?

Gentleman Brendan

Excuse me, Mr. Woo, you ain't from around here we FLY our flag and KNEEL our doves and we don't use METRIC

gellaho

"The Hugheses kept signing these terrible contracts, it's weird"

FancyShark

GASP

THE INSURANCE MONEY?!

Gentleman Brendan

Ten thousand every year or two for a house you already own in 1980s suburban Texas can't be bad money though.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

On top of two peoples social security.

Like......they ain't hurtin.

gellaho

Plenty of time to waste at the movies

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

that's 50k for this series so far, and they seem to put them out pretty quick

gellaho

Hammer is among the few real things they've named

That and Dumpster brand dumpsters

FancyShark

Nice try, Joe. We know you only read Highlights.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe has the soul of a teen who died on D-Day.

gellaho

Somebody really didn't like the movie

gellaho

FancyShark

Early version of Duck Hunt had some issues

gellaho

That's the only real option, because otherwise that's some of the worst aim possible

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Those old light guns were so innacurate.

gellaho

Free movie!? That tears it!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Zoinks! Now we have a REAL case!"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

there are easier ways to sneak into a movie, gunman.

Gentleman Brendan

Joe recognizes the soul of a man must encompass a yin and a yang, a warrior and a poet, a goofus AND a gallant.

gellaho

This is how people talk

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Yes, Paula. I know, I predicted it.

Also you're too hot to have murdered a dude, I know how these stories go.

Gentleman Brendan

Look, all I know is some lunatic fired a gun in a movie theater and suddenly your boys were seen dragging an uninjured woman against her will.

FancyShark

Paula better get some dental floss to pick all the scene out of her teeth

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

She wont have teeth for long, Joe is going to put her in a quiet basement to talk about movie trivia and also steal her teeth.

gellaho

"Why can't I make any friends?"

FancyShark

AKA "A quiet night in"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Consarn it, why does nobody in this goshdarn town stay arrested til Monday?!"

"We play Parcheesi on Monday before court!"

gellaho

The author has only written four characters, who is left?

FancyShark

Sheriff was up late playing Pong

Gentleman Brendan

Joe only loves horror movies this one book because he expurgates a persona every time he kills its perfect victim.

FancyShark

Ooo! I know!

It's Gold!

Gentleman Brendan

Once Paula is dead, there will be no more need to love horror. The horror will be outside, all around him now.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

I think the ghost writer has forgotten who it is.

gellaho

Classic Ferris Bueller murder tactics

FancyShark

Not the context I'd imagine for the phrase "used a mechanical head"

Gentleman Brendan

Katz, you dog.

Gentleman Brendan

That was the first use, but then the head passed out immediately upon orgasm.

gellaho

Convenient closet

Gentleman Brendan

At what point do these dummies start solving mysteries standing back to back with guns pointed at every entrance?

gellaho

If this was the real Joe Hardy, he would have rushed without a second thought

Gentleman Brendan

The best part is Katz yelled bingo but REMAINED in the closet.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Never, cos Frank would eat his gun and Joe would drop his.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

ironically, this was the one gun on the set that was fake

Gentleman Brendan

This is a prop head dreaming it's Joe.

And, frankly, doing a much more productive job of it.

FancyShark

"Bingo!"

<fiddles with latch>

"...dammit"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

One of them yells "Cmon bro, its a revolver, he can only shoot one of us!"

Gentleman Brendan

Like all Katz had to do was stay there and sneak away, or like...shoot them before they could tell anyone

He did the only dumb mixture of ineffectiveness

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

He's gotta explain his dastardly plan tho.

gellaho

Lotta fun for the kids

gellaho

FancyShark

Katz was playing Hardy Bingo like the rest of us

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

And why not execute your teen antagonists in a grimy basement?

Keep it light.

Fun.

FancyShark

Joe takes the ball-gag out of Clervi's mouth

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Puts it back in as Clervi says "Oh thank God" because he wants to hear the muffled wailing.

gellaho

FRIEND!? We never danced in a fountain or anything!

gellaho

Who wants to guess why?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Millions? Really? Cmon Katz.

FancyShark

wait, gimme a sec

gellaho

It's dumb

FancyShark

Because Matthew refused to leave the series and go with him to a new project?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

No that would be reasonable.

FancyShark

Okay, then I'm guessing parking space

gellaho

I'll give you a hint: it's the universal dream for those who wish to see

FancyShark

hahaha

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

lmao

FancyShark

"He made my projects popular! DAMN HIM!"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"I AM THE DIRECTOR! It's MY movie!"

Millions tho? Really? in 1991? For this movie?

FancyShark

It was this or Schindler's List

gellaho

I'm very proud of this idiotic plan

FancyShark

hahahahahahaha

Months!

He fired wildly in multiple public places to goad the people investigating him!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Stop laughing! No it's not literally a plot from Scooby-Doo! Fuck you!"

"I have a gun!"

Gentleman Brendan

Horror movies make bank on zero budget. And back then there was way less competition.

gellaho

I am laughing at your spooky skeletons

Gentleman Brendan

You'd think they'd be the costliest to make but nope.

FancyShark

You idiots didn't smell AN ENTIRE HOUSE SOAKED IN GASOLINE?!

gellaho

Some torture fun for the children

Gentleman Brendan

So many explosions it just follows them.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

the last thing Joe ever smelled is is girlfriend's burning hair.

Gentleman Brendan

When you're a hardy, detonation is your cologne.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

You lose your sense of smell after the third car bomb

gellaho

I would kill for creative control

FancyShark

Katz needs a better agent

Gentleman Brendan

Did he even TRY asking another producer to let him replicate his success?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

This is why you join unions my dude.

FancyShark

"For example, if I was in charge, this movie would have a rapping squirrel!"

gellaho

Wait, fire's hot!? Why didn't anyone tell me!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Frank went to the same school I did and paid attenion on fire safety day!

FancyShark

So they resign themselves to punching the hostage until they all asphyxiate

gellaho

Grim Reaper famously loves axes

FancyShark

Aw. I wanted him to use the axe to snag a key off a shelf

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Yeah you see, a scythe is hard to use to chop thru a door, real awkward and we wanted a scene like in The Shining."

gellaho

Thornall suddenly develops superspeed

Gentleman Brendan

The Hardy Boys make a lot more sense when you realize leaded gasoline was still prevalent in their childhood and the only kids' TV was Lidsville.

FancyShark

Thornall heard a group of more than two people. He wasn't going to waste an opportunity.

Gentleman Brendan

I'm disappointed not one person has employed colorful Texas metaphor.

Whither art thou, Dan Rather?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Finally someone to save! They'll be so grateful they'll HAVE to come over and watch my collection of VHS recorded episodes of Sanford and Son."

gellaho

"Leave me! I don't even have anyone to play Uno with"

FancyShark

"Before I drive you all to the ER, you wanna do a quick ten rounds at the bowling alley?"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

there's the Texas metaphor

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe and Frank turn simultaneously and shove the sheriff back into the burning building.

Gentleman Brendan

"This house is drier than a 40-year-old bride, and hotter'n your new barely legal stepdaughter! We've gotta hoof it!"

gellaho

It's like the ghostwriter got embarrassed by their own words

FancyShark

Thornall died as he lived: very very alone

oh, wait

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"We saved you for The Harvesting."

"Oh......Jenga? Anyone?"

Gentleman Brendan

The Burnt Offering must scream or The Bull of Heaven will not hear our prayers.

FancyShark

The near death experience gives Thornall an idea for limbo

gellaho

Think about it, kids! Imagine what that would be like for your hands

FancyShark

It's like Johnny Tremain! Except dumber and he has a brother

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe had totally forgotten whats her name, who died in a car bomb, and how she smelled as her fat cooked and spat on the hot metal.

gellaho

"We're going to get up to some games of Othello soon"

Gentleman Brendan

My 7th grade class never finished Johnny Tremaine and I have no idea what happened to that kid.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Probably died of dysentery.

Carried off by The Typhus.

Gentleman Brendan

The bumpkin was the REAL hero here.

FancyShark

I never finished it either. I got too bored. It was a lot of "waah, waah, my hand is a gnarled claw, I'll never be happy"

gellaho

The insurance money! Kind of

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Oh and you boys mind scoochin up in the back with that murderer? I got pizzas riding shotgun."

FancyShark

IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY! KIND OF!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Wait.......the horror?!

Of.......successful film careers?

Also......new life? Yall are on social security!

FancyShark

The ghosts were running an insurance scam

Gentleman Brendan

The spirits could not know peace until the colonizers' home was destroyed in fire.

gellaho

Trombone noise The End

Gentleman Brendan

They could have ended the undead's suffering at ANY time!

FancyShark

Frank punched his brother until dawn

Gentleman Brendan

Weird outing that doesn't end in a redhead saying she's had enough excitement, let's go get pizza.

or BBQ brisket, I guess.

FancyShark

She found love with the Lizard-Armed Couch

gellaho

We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #53: Web of Horror. I'm still not sure what the web was

FancyShark

Wooo!

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

The redhead found a new market for her creations in the adult film industry

FancyShark

Great job, everybody!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Paula went on to be on American Inventor, and win a million dollars for her prototype rubber butthole.

FancyShark

Clervi went on to slip and hit his head in the shower

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

She never told anyone it was Cathy's butthole, and Cathy never realized Paula was locking her in a dungeon.

gellaho

So ends the 59th edition of The Book Cage

FancyShark

Thank you again, @gellaho !

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

I have so much fun doing this.

FancyShark

These are always a blast

FancyShark

You're really good at this, too!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

I legit worried Id oversleep today too.

Gentleman Brendan

This is my favorite of the victory covers.

We fucking rocked this one.

FancyShark

Hell yeah we did

Gentleman Brendan

@Karate Physics Flippant Sausage the MVP tonight.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Thanks again everyone, this was a lot of fun.

Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics

Hey! I even said a thing this time instead of working!

🥳

Gentleman Brendan

Thanks, @gellaho -- our commissioner