gellaho
S.L. Hunter's writing is just so miserable and unpleasant
#8 Steele
S.L. Hunter's writing is just so miserable and unpleasant
No kidding.
It feels like those dime a dozen libertarian books that ape off Blackhawk Down et al
It was somehow worse than his writing in the last book
I thought that long break after Psi-Man would help
Roundabout Plays
https://www.gocomics.com/heathcliff/2012/05/03
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We now pick up on the adventure one week later
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Soon
Fuck
Fifteen minutes until Molten Steele Part 2: Dreams in the Dark
Yeah, dark is where we go to sleep
That's where dreams are
Quick PSA: The Gellaho Audio Book of Steele is amazing. Voice work, all your favorite Steele thoughts "moisten's lips" are laid bare. It is truly a sight for your ears.
That's far too kind, but thanks
THE END IS NIGH
This train has reached the end of its Steele Traxx.
A reminder for how Part 1 ended, Matrix (the electronic copy of Steele's brain) was given a biological body by Dr. James and Miseri
Steele vs. Steele: Real Human Cockfight
They’re totally going to touch tips aren’t they
No, they can't. It's Timecop rules, but for the heart.
Obviously a good idea
We're beginning with lava
How close is she to the lava?
You can get surprisingly close!
Pretty close
However volcanos have ways of killing you that have nothing to do with lava.
When she was introduced, she was naked and lava jizzed on her
That's how he phrased it
Glad we get an explanation of how he can hear her, super necessary
This actually tracks with our lives.
Audio-wise.
"oh god if I don't explain how steele turned the gain down this scenario will never be believable"
And, she's naked
Of course she's naked
Is she ever clothed?
Why would he be shocked about that though
That’s the Real Human Dick effect
She just predatored our Robocop.
Wait what?
Pulled his head back on his neck.
Is now the time?
All women are inherently naked against Steele
To imply secret transmitters secreted away in her vagina? Is that what's being implied?
Ah the ol' vaginal antenna
She's going to kiss Steele mid-battle and he'll stab her because she was counting on him to melt into an erection. She doesn't know he already turned down Carmody before he had enhancements.
He didn’t account for her Artificial Robot Vagina, the anthesis of the real dick
Off to a good start for similes
I love how this asshole keeps making fight scenes weirdly horny
sexy sexy violence:musical_note:
"What if man, but Nysteele, fought woman, but clonebot?"
That is too bad
Hip of ground into a hidden crevice
Steele isn’t used to shooting on women’s backs
Steele can run at 60mph, normal people can move hands faster than eyes can track, and this lady just putzed him.
His pull out game is famously not strong
This lady has Superman speed
Mortifying guts
I would shoot you, but you're hot.
I hate it when my intestines are embarrassed
His guts already mortified. These are fresh, new guts.
Real Human guts
Steele is tired
The uhhhh. Robot. Is tired?
Isn’t it canon that he doesn’t actually need sleep?
His dick and heart are tired.
Usually you'd share the Japanese when you say something like this
My dude, you JUST got smell and taste back.
There's a coed throwing herself at you.
And you are INVINCIBLE.
They've gotten into physical combat, and Steele has a robo-fever and is rotting
Hang out a century, when things settle down, you'll be living your best life. Learn sculpting in the meantime or something.
Didn’t he just survive, like, years after getting half eaten by a coyote?
I think this woman is kryptonian
What do you think you're doing, remembering things
Seriously, this is an inconvenience at best. He's a nysteele core in a new-Steele nougat coating.
Back to the nips
She, like most other women, gets extra horny when beating guys up apparently
flared nostrils are rapidly becoming the new moistened lips.
I'm, uh, well. You'll see
Red Sonja must have been playing after Predator. Hawke definitely sprung for HBO.
1) Steele is thrown into lava
Lava rape
2) He then finds himself on all fours in the woods
Oh no, I actually know what happens here and it’s bad
This is what I get for reading ahead
3) Steele-coyote
Lol yessssss!!!
Man vs. Self
Man vs. Man
Man vs. Nature
This scene has all three antagonists but it's
Man vs. Inexplicably Depressed Self
Man vs. Superwoman
Man vs. Sex-Lava
Man vs. Actually, Another Self Waiting in the Wings
okay wait
I've only seen one mention of lips so far. Seems low.
All of that was a meaningless dream
I read a review of this book and the Steelyote was the first thing they had mentioned out of several that made me think this whole book was a joke to Hunter
except it wasn't? And they put him in a coyote?
or is this Matrix?
Like he’s not even pretending to care about any of these characters or the overall story
Matrix, a who has all Steele's memories, tried to stick his hands in a light socket the instant he became human
Steele is in a cyborg coyote
And matrix forgot that electricity can kill you
the coyote is a cyborg too?
Matrix & Steele are like 2600 Atari vs. 7800
Hunter didn’t want to write this and just decided to fuck with everyone and get away with the stupidest shit he could think of
"I'm really more into naked ubermenschen clones these days than cyborgs."
But when I am interested in cyborgs, they better be coyotes
Miseri compares herself to a chimp and then tries to suck Matrix off
It looks like she’s about to succeed
Who wouldn't want a thrillkill chimpgrrl? The only downside is all the lavadust in your dead child's crib, because that's the only place she wants to have sex.
All of the Bio-Wars and ensuing disaster happened after America switched to metric, I get it.
Matrix has transcended the physical world and cannot get hard
You have Steele's everything but for some reason you're an incapable, sad idiot.
And the cyborg coyote can talk
You can't write a line like that about a character like this and expect the audience to NOT assume she literally did this after biting it off.
Wait so you were gifted the 3.5 hour dick, the dick that killed so many women one way or another, and you can’t get it up?
Don’t you have Steele’s mind and cock? Come on man!
Jakesy, who is more noble, the warrior who can slay 10, or the one who can slay 100 but chooses not to?
This is that but for frothing quim.
Man so Matrix is really just a master of self control
OK, so. Now he's saying that Steele's aircraft was bombed and that's why it crashed. Not because of the volcanic eruption that happened around the same time
Because, fuck it, why have something elegant
Hahaha so the volcano didn’t even matter?
I guess that tracks, the first apocalypse didn’t really matter either
When Matrix got caught, he also got so electronically high man
150 years from now, hackers are still zit-faced teens.
Matrix still calls Steele Don, and it infuriates me.
Yeah, Hunter didn't read the other books
Little retconning action here
I don't need this chosen one horseshit
“Virtual reality? Is that like, the future maaaaaaan”
Higgins chose you for your physical and mental fortitude, she said, choking his mewling original-recipe version.
VR torture
*Virtual reality *in italics is the most '90s move a book can make.
I have no idea what this guy is going for
“Let me introduce you to...the WORLD WIDE WEB”
So is this all virtual? I've lost all track.
"We have the web in New York, doctor. Zit-faced teens use it to 'surf' their local 'BBS' for 'moist sex.' "
Then stalactite torture
Then he falls down a hole and drowns
Steele's a one-many army from New York. He wouldn't think in meters. He'd call them milliklicks.
wouldn't the stalactite just push him into the hole unscathed?
So Hunter just got really high and pounded this part out in a weekend huh
Then he wakes up in bed with his "wife"
Oh no
So that's chapter 18
More like chapter 25 to life amirite
We're really spinning wheels
I feel like your daughter being painted up like a jezebel is scarcely a problem in between finding her in your bed and also she is a corpse.
Betting odds that Void becomes a character unto itself?
I need pretty big odds to take that bet
This is still going on
“Void moistened it’s lips and stared deeply into Steele”
You know what, I'm glad this writer is dead
Yeah the more I read the happier I am that he can’t hurt us anymore
This is so lazy I'm not even going to exert a joke on it.
This fucker is trying to rewrite JD's work
Apparently we need to revisit chapter 1, book 1
We were fools to turn away from The Master.
Should we dedicate our new book to JDM? I feel like he’s earned it
OK, seriously fuck this dude
Fucking 20 pages of this VR torture
And Miseri trying to cyber Steele
Is he still a coyote too
To be clear, he is being tortured by Dev Cooper's counterpart for no reason after a book and a half of sending his Ultra-Clone to kill Steele in combat, proving man>machine.
Do you think the rewards of 10x the calories is 10x the shitting
:man_shrugging:
Honestly, but for the murder, Miseri sounds like a fun date.
Terrible relationship material, but great for a day at the boardwalk.
I mean your mind will be blown by the crazy sex until she kills you arbitrarily
She's also months old. If I'm remembering correctly
I just want a girl who can eat as much as I do and still hike as much as she does.
Yeah something like body of a 20 year old but mind of a child
She can sense murderous intent by Pine needle noise
I assume she's an adult equivalent after being tortured for 20 virtual years in virtual reality
But to be clear he has hands now, as in he’s not a coyote?
Is he killing her in VR?
I can’t get past the coyote thing
Boy this is weird
His mind has been put into an electronic vault where he's being tortured in VR
Oh this is still that, huh
How many pages can you possibly get out of virtual reality torture
Okay, she's definitely Neo.
Have you noticed just how much of Steele's tribulations come from spurning women's advances?
Now Steele is playing VR games because he learned how to manipulate the program. Somehow
...did he just let his 12-year-old son write this chapter?
There are legitimately five examples of him breaking the torture program
Because that's who writes dialogue emphasized so oddly.
Hawke is burning through ideas here and making all of them pointless.
The string done broke, son!
He's got an army of Steeles
Hawke is JD Masters. This dude is Victor Milan
I can never keep this straight.
Victor Milan/E L Hunter are the Bad Men
Nicholas Valentin Yermakov | Simon Hawke | JD Masters
SL Hunter, and you can forget all about him after today
Hawke/Master/Hunter all get bobbled in my head under "badass names of medieval jobs"
This Dr James dude is going to try to get rid of Steele and Matrix. He talks like nobody
Tapcis is so bad
The name I mean
"Well Christ, man, who the fuck is Tapcis?"
Also that, this is the first time I’ve heard this name
Tapcis is the head of security, he's going to try to kill Miseri
He's done nothing except be a toadie to Dr. James
He also talks like Renfield
Smiling wetly is something dogs do maybe
He poisoned her chili
Couldn’t she smell Steele coming from through a volcanic eruption?
Rat poison apparently slipped by her flared nostrils
Tapcis is his Smithers.
This is how she decides to survive
She can outmaneuver a robot but she ate lye.
Next paragraph: Matrix tries to levitate
I like the the computer program with all the knowledge of the internet and Steeles brain is just a complete fucking moron for some reason
Matrix, now is not the time for your bullshit
He’s the comic relief
Men come to kill him, and Miseri kills them while he stands around like a moron
What do country roads sound like after a cloudburst?
Then they do the old Chewbacca
Kinda like when you're using a roller but the tray is low on paint.
So he’s saying gravelly
RIP Chewie, killed by Rey
But in an extremely roundabout way
So they've gone to the IPU (which is what the computer Steele is stuck in is called)
I'm not sure what the plan is
Well, Steele is in a human body. Completely fucking up the premise of the book
I'm not sure what the plan is
Well, Steele is in a human body. Completely fucking up the premise of the book
At least we got some lip action
Now matrix is a coyote
Hahaha
Coyote seems more appropriate for Matrix’s mental capacity
But the lingering question
Is Matrix's non-cyborg coyote half the same coyote that ate his own dick?
I don't think so
They've just been escaping the lab, it's not exciting
So Dr James shows up
Then Miseri starts calling him daddy and also asks him to take her, which I don't like
I wonder if male writers trying to show how crazy women are ever know how crazy they reveal themselves to be.
Then Matrix saves her from getting shot, Steele shoots the fuck out of him, and lava kills everyone else
God can do Hunter go one page without making it weird
what the fuck
Hey, guess what
I mean, I think if we expected anything better were the assholes
This might be the worst ending for a book, so prepare yourselves
Is it sexually weird?
I feel like it might be based on everything else we've read
Matrix is going to be a coyote now I guess
Who would have thought the best ending we'd get was Ice and Legs Prostituti getting shot practically off-screen.
Isn't that sweet
Now it gets stupid
Hey someone better pick up that phone
Because I called it
Misericordia is every Frank Miller character portrayed by every Brittany Murphy character.
Dr James, the dweeb is still alive somehow
Misericordia is the creation of a dude who definitely gets women
Oh he is going to get cyborged
His dick? Is it still intact?
That's important to the cyborg process for some reason
Tapcis is sad, but has an idea
Get ready, I need you to be ready
Are you ready?
I can't get any readier
THE END
Ha ha ha wow
Oh my God, they're going to Darth Vader Predator's sex-dad in this Robocop.
So he's in Steele's robot body?
There was an army of human Steele clones, he got put in one of them
The only cyborg left is a cyborg coyote
See were they expecting another book or is that meant to be the end
It feels like a punchline
Which I guess makes the steele series one long joke
They cooked Steele up an entire body that could be grafted onto an inorganic frame but they can't print new legs and organs.
They put him IN A STEELE BODY but they can't put him in a James body.
RIP, everyone.
Now there's no Steele cyborg, but two Steele twins running around
And a coyote with Steele's brain
Nothing was resolved, hooray!
What of the Jesus Cult? What of the serial killer? What of The Organization?
Motion to have a future Colt Blacke book cross over with Steele to fix all of this even if the rights bankrupt us.
I’m 100% on board with this
If I’m in charge of that project I have Steele wake up from the events of the last Masters book and realize the SL Hunter books were all a nightmare
Well, I'm still on this plane of existence, so my work must not yet be complete.
I wonder if there’s a way to do it on the sly without directly referencing Steele
Like they meet a cyborg named Donovan
That name ain’t trademarked
Schmonovan Deale
Donovan Golde
Matrix is Donovan Golde, because he's always soft.
Also, what's with this horseshit about only hearing about Matrix's dick
I like Donovan Irone, because you could pronounce it eye-rone or I-ron-ee and that’s ironic
Like rain on your wedding day
Ol’ Flaccid Matty
I need to do my official Steele ratings
We do need some power rankings
#1 Jagged Steele, great stuff
#2 Steele - where it all began, joyously stupid setup
then a steep cliff
#3 Cold Steele - objectionable content, but at least things happen
#4 Killer Steele - the most vile content-wise, but again, things happen
#5 Renegade Steele (tie) - Boring as hell, Ice dies
#5 Target Steele (tie) - Boring as hell follow-up to Renegade Steele, everyone dies
Another steep cliff
#7 Fugitive Steele - This was extremely painful, and horribly written. But at least it wasn't split into two parts and had an ending
And finally, #8 Molten Steele - Fuck you S.L. Hunter
What an unsatisfactory ending
Ha, he's none of those things the tagline says
Pretty much agree with all of these, need to re-read killer Steele
That one's real rough
I feel like I expected this all to go nowhere
Killer was rough and if I remember Renegade was bad because it’s boring then Ice dies
Page 89 of Killer Steele describes at least 7 rapes
Which is somehow less than Miseri commits in one scene of a Hunter book