11: Molten Steele J.D. Masters (Simon Hawke)

gellaho

S.L. Hunter's writing is just so miserable and unpleasant

Djonin Foxman

No kidding.

It feels like those dime a dozen libertarian books that ape off Blackhawk Down et al

gellaho

It was somehow worse than his writing in the last book

I thought that long break after Psi-Man would help

Djonin Foxman

Roundabout Plays

gellaho

https://www.gocomics.com/heathcliff/2012/05/03

FAST FORWARD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We now pick up on the adventure one week later

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

gellaho

Soon

Jcantrell, hater of things

Fuck

gellaho

Fifteen minutes until Molten Steele Part 2: Dreams in the Dark

Jcantrell, hater of things

Yeah, dark is where we go to sleep

That's where dreams are

Fatamatician: The Ro'eh of Peter

Quick PSA: The Gellaho Audio Book of Steele is amazing. Voice work, all your favorite Steele thoughts "moisten's lips" are laid bare. It is truly a sight for your ears.

gellaho

That's far too kind, but thanks

Old Man Brendan

THE END IS NIGH

This train has reached the end of its Steele Traxx.

gellaho

A reminder for how Part 1 ended, Matrix (the electronic copy of Steele's brain) was given a biological body by Dr. James and Miseri

Old Man Brendan

Steele vs. Steele: Real Human Cockfight

sensitive New Age jakesy

They’re totally going to touch tips aren’t they

Old Man Brendan

No, they can't. It's Timecop rules, but for the heart.

Jcantrell, hater of things

Obviously a good idea

gellaho

We're beginning with lava

Jcantrell, hater of things

How close is she to the lava?

Old Man Brendan

You can get surprisingly close!

gellaho

Pretty close

Old Man Brendan

However volcanos have ways of killing you that have nothing to do with lava.

gellaho

When she was introduced, she was naked and lava jizzed on her

That's how he phrased it

Jcantrell, hater of things

Glad we get an explanation of how he can hear her, super necessary

Old Man Brendan

This actually tracks with our lives.

Audio-wise.

Jcantrell, hater of things

"oh god if I don't explain how steele turned the gain down this scenario will never be believable"

gellaho

And, she's naked

Jcantrell, hater of things

Of course she's naked

Is she ever clothed?

sensitive New Age jakesy

Why would he be shocked about that though

That’s the Real Human Dick effect

gellaho

Old Man Brendan

She just predatored our Robocop.

Jcantrell, hater of things

Wait what?

Old Man Brendan

Pulled his head back on his neck.

Jcantrell, hater of things

Is now the time?

sensitive New Age jakesy

All women are inherently naked against Steele

Jcantrell, hater of things

To imply secret transmitters secreted away in her vagina? Is that what's being implied?

Old Man Brendan

Ah the ol' vaginal antenna

She's going to kiss Steele mid-battle and he'll stab her because she was counting on him to melt into an erection. She doesn't know he already turned down Carmody before he had enhancements.

sensitive New Age jakesy

He didn’t account for her Artificial Robot Vagina, the anthesis of the real dick

gellaho

Off to a good start for similes

Jcantrell, hater of things

I love how this asshole keeps making fight scenes weirdly horny

Anti-Life Justifies My Hatred

sexy sexy violence:musical_note:

Old Man Brendan

"What if man, but Nysteele, fought woman, but clonebot?"

gellaho

That is too bad

Fatamatician: The Ro'eh of Peter

Hip of ground into a hidden crevice

sensitive New Age jakesy

Steele isn’t used to shooting on women’s backs

Old Man Brendan

Steele can run at 60mph, normal people can move hands faster than eyes can track, and this lady just putzed him.

sensitive New Age jakesy

His pull out game is famously not strong

gellaho

This lady has Superman speed

Mortifying guts

Old Man Brendan

I would shoot you, but you're hot.

gellaho

I hate it when my intestines are embarrassed

Old Man Brendan

His guts already mortified. These are fresh, new guts.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Real Human guts

gellaho

Steele is tired

sensitive New Age jakesy

The uhhhh. Robot. Is tired?

Isn’t it canon that he doesn’t actually need sleep?

Old Man Brendan

His dick and heart are tired.

gellaho

Usually you'd share the Japanese when you say something like this

Old Man Brendan

My dude, you JUST got smell and taste back.

There's a coed throwing herself at you.

And you are INVINCIBLE.

gellaho

They've gotten into physical combat, and Steele has a robo-fever and is rotting

Old Man Brendan

Hang out a century, when things settle down, you'll be living your best life. Learn sculpting in the meantime or something.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Didn’t he just survive, like, years after getting half eaten by a coyote?

gellaho

I think this woman is kryptonian

gellaho

What do you think you're doing, remembering things

Old Man Brendan

Seriously, this is an inconvenience at best. He's a nysteele core in a new-Steele nougat coating.

gellaho

Back to the nips

sensitive New Age jakesy

She, like most other women, gets extra horny when beating guys up apparently

Old Man Brendan

flared nostrils are rapidly becoming the new moistened lips.

gellaho

I'm, uh, well. You'll see

Old Man Brendan

Red Sonja must have been playing after Predator. Hawke definitely sprung for HBO.

gellaho

1) Steele is thrown into lava

sensitive New Age jakesy

Lava rape

gellaho

2) He then finds himself on all fours in the woods

sensitive New Age jakesy

Oh no, I actually know what happens here and it’s bad

This is what I get for reading ahead

gellaho

3) Steele-coyote

sensitive New Age jakesy

Lol yessssss!!!

Old Man Brendan

Man vs. Self

Man vs. Man

Man vs. Nature

This scene has all three antagonists but it's

Man vs. Inexplicably Depressed Self

Man vs. Superwoman

Man vs. Sex-Lava

Man vs. Actually, Another Self Waiting in the Wings

okay wait

GDC

I've only seen one mention of lips so far. Seems low.

Old Man Brendan

All of that was a meaningless dream

sensitive New Age jakesy

I read a review of this book and the Steelyote was the first thing they had mentioned out of several that made me think this whole book was a joke to Hunter

Old Man Brendan

except it wasn't? And they put him in a coyote?

or is this Matrix?

sensitive New Age jakesy

Like he’s not even pretending to care about any of these characters or the overall story

gellaho

Matrix, a who has all Steele's memories, tried to stick his hands in a light socket the instant he became human

gellaho

Steele is in a cyborg coyote

sensitive New Age jakesy

And matrix forgot that electricity can kill you

Old Man Brendan

the coyote is a cyborg too?

Matrix & Steele are like 2600 Atari vs. 7800

sensitive New Age jakesy

Hunter didn’t want to write this and just decided to fuck with everyone and get away with the stupidest shit he could think of

Old Man Brendan

"I'm really more into naked ubermenschen clones these days than cyborgs."

sensitive New Age jakesy

But when I am interested in cyborgs, they better be coyotes

gellaho

Miseri compares herself to a chimp and then tries to suck Matrix off

sensitive New Age jakesy

It looks like she’s about to succeed

Old Man Brendan

Who wouldn't want a thrillkill chimpgrrl? The only downside is all the lavadust in your dead child's crib, because that's the only place she wants to have sex.

All of the Bio-Wars and ensuing disaster happened after America switched to metric, I get it.

gellaho

Matrix has transcended the physical world and cannot get hard

Old Man Brendan

You have Steele's everything but for some reason you're an incapable, sad idiot.

gellaho

And the cyborg coyote can talk

Old Man Brendan

You can't write a line like that about a character like this and expect the audience to NOT assume she literally did this after biting it off.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Wait so you were gifted the 3.5 hour dick, the dick that killed so many women one way or another, and you can’t get it up?

Don’t you have Steele’s mind and cock? Come on man!

Old Man Brendan

Jakesy, who is more noble, the warrior who can slay 10, or the one who can slay 100 but chooses not to?

This is that but for frothing quim.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Man so Matrix is really just a master of self control

gellaho

OK, so. Now he's saying that Steele's aircraft was bombed and that's why it crashed. Not because of the volcanic eruption that happened around the same time

Because, fuck it, why have something elegant

sensitive New Age jakesy

Hahaha so the volcano didn’t even matter?

I guess that tracks, the first apocalypse didn’t really matter either

gellaho

When Matrix got caught, he also got so electronically high man

Old Man Brendan

150 years from now, hackers are still zit-faced teens.

Matrix still calls Steele Don, and it infuriates me.

gellaho

Yeah, Hunter didn't read the other books

sensitive New Age jakesy

Little retconning action here

gellaho

I don't need this chosen one horseshit

sensitive New Age jakesy

“Virtual reality? Is that like, the future maaaaaaan”

Old Man Brendan

Higgins chose you for your physical and mental fortitude, she said, choking his mewling original-recipe version.

gellaho

VR torture

Old Man Brendan

*Virtual reality *in italics is the most '90s move a book can make.

gellaho

I have no idea what this guy is going for

sensitive New Age jakesy

“Let me introduce you to...the WORLD WIDE WEB”

Old Man Brendan

So is this all virtual? I've lost all track.

"We have the web in New York, doctor. Zit-faced teens use it to 'surf' their local 'BBS' for 'moist sex.' "

gellaho

Then stalactite torture

Then he falls down a hole and drowns

Old Man Brendan

Steele's a one-many army from New York. He wouldn't think in meters. He'd call them milliklicks.

wouldn't the stalactite just push him into the hole unscathed?

sensitive New Age jakesy

So Hunter just got really high and pounded this part out in a weekend huh

gellaho

Then he wakes up in bed with his "wife"

sensitive New Age jakesy

Oh no

gellaho

So that's chapter 18

sensitive New Age jakesy

More like chapter 25 to life amirite

gellaho

We're really spinning wheels

Old Man Brendan

I feel like your daughter being painted up like a jezebel is scarcely a problem in between finding her in your bed and also she is a corpse.

Betting odds that Void becomes a character unto itself?

sensitive New Age jakesy

I need pretty big odds to take that bet

gellaho

This is still going on

sensitive New Age jakesy

“Void moistened it’s lips and stared deeply into Steele”

gellaho

You know what, I'm glad this writer is dead

sensitive New Age jakesy

Yeah the more I read the happier I am that he can’t hurt us anymore

Old Man Brendan

This is so lazy I'm not even going to exert a joke on it.

gellaho

This fucker is trying to rewrite JD's work

sensitive New Age jakesy

Apparently we need to revisit chapter 1, book 1

Old Man Brendan

We were fools to turn away from The Master.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Should we dedicate our new book to JDM? I feel like he’s earned it

gellaho

OK, seriously fuck this dude

Fucking 20 pages of this VR torture

gellaho

And Miseri trying to cyber Steele

sensitive New Age jakesy

Is he still a coyote too

Old Man Brendan

To be clear, he is being tortured by Dev Cooper's counterpart for no reason after a book and a half of sending his Ultra-Clone to kill Steele in combat, proving man>machine.

gellaho

Do you think the rewards of 10x the calories is 10x the shitting

gellaho

:man_shrugging:

Old Man Brendan

Honestly, but for the murder, Miseri sounds like a fun date.

Terrible relationship material, but great for a day at the boardwalk.

sensitive New Age jakesy

I mean your mind will be blown by the crazy sex until she kills you arbitrarily

gellaho

She's also months old. If I'm remembering correctly

Old Man Brendan

I just want a girl who can eat as much as I do and still hike as much as she does.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Yeah something like body of a 20 year old but mind of a child

gellaho

She can sense murderous intent by Pine needle noise

Old Man Brendan

I assume she's an adult equivalent after being tortured for 20 virtual years in virtual reality

sensitive New Age jakesy

But to be clear he has hands now, as in he’s not a coyote?

Old Man Brendan

Is he killing her in VR?

sensitive New Age jakesy

I can’t get past the coyote thing

gellaho

Boy this is weird

gellaho

His mind has been put into an electronic vault where he's being tortured in VR

sensitive New Age jakesy

Oh this is still that, huh

How many pages can you possibly get out of virtual reality torture

Old Man Brendan

Okay, she's definitely Neo.

Have you noticed just how much of Steele's tribulations come from spurning women's advances?

gellaho

Now Steele is playing VR games because he learned how to manipulate the program. Somehow

Old Man Brendan

...did he just let his 12-year-old son write this chapter?

gellaho

There are legitimately five examples of him breaking the torture program

Old Man Brendan

Because that's who writes dialogue emphasized so oddly.

Hawke is burning through ideas here and making all of them pointless.

sensitive New Age jakesy

The string done broke, son!

gellaho

He's got an army of Steeles

gellaho

Hawke is JD Masters. This dude is Victor Milan

Old Man Brendan

I can never keep this straight.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Victor Milan/E L Hunter are the Bad Men

Old Man Brendan

Nicholas Valentin Yermakov | Simon Hawke | JD Masters

gellaho

SL Hunter, and you can forget all about him after today

Old Man Brendan

Hawke/Master/Hunter all get bobbled in my head under "badass names of medieval jobs"

gellaho

This Dr James dude is going to try to get rid of Steele and Matrix. He talks like nobody

sensitive New Age jakesy

Tapcis is so bad

The name I mean

Old Man Brendan

"Well Christ, man, who the fuck is Tapcis?"

sensitive New Age jakesy

Also that, this is the first time I’ve heard this name

gellaho

Tapcis is the head of security, he's going to try to kill Miseri

He's done nothing except be a toadie to Dr. James

He also talks like Renfield

sensitive New Age jakesy

Smiling wetly is something dogs do maybe

gellaho

He poisoned her chili

sensitive New Age jakesy

Couldn’t she smell Steele coming from through a volcanic eruption?

Rat poison apparently slipped by her flared nostrils

Old Man Brendan

Tapcis is his Smithers.

gellaho

This is how she decides to survive

Old Man Brendan

She can outmaneuver a robot but she ate lye.

gellaho

Next paragraph: Matrix tries to levitate

sensitive New Age jakesy

I like the the computer program with all the knowledge of the internet and Steeles brain is just a complete fucking moron for some reason

Old Man Brendan

Matrix, now is not the time for your bullshit

sensitive New Age jakesy

He’s the comic relief

gellaho

Men come to kill him, and Miseri kills them while he stands around like a moron

gellaho

sensitive New Age jakesy

What do country roads sound like after a cloudburst?

gellaho

Then they do the old Chewbacca

Old Man Brendan

Kinda like when you're using a roller but the tray is low on paint.

sensitive New Age jakesy

So he’s saying gravelly

Old Man Brendan

RIP Chewie, killed by Rey

sensitive New Age jakesy

But in an extremely roundabout way

gellaho

So they've gone to the IPU (which is what the computer Steele is stuck in is called)

I'm not sure what the plan is

Well, Steele is in a human body. Completely fucking up the premise of the book

gellaho

I'm not sure what the plan is

Well, Steele is in a human body. Completely fucking up the premise of the book

sensitive New Age jakesy

At least we got some lip action

gellaho

Now matrix is a coyote

sensitive New Age jakesy

Hahaha

Coyote seems more appropriate for Matrix’s mental capacity

Old Man Brendan

But the lingering question

Is Matrix's non-cyborg coyote half the same coyote that ate his own dick?

gellaho

I don't think so

They've just been escaping the lab, it's not exciting

So Dr James shows up

gellaho

Then Miseri starts calling him daddy and also asks him to take her, which I don't like

Old Man Brendan

I wonder if male writers trying to show how crazy women are ever know how crazy they reveal themselves to be.

gellaho

Then Matrix saves her from getting shot, Steele shoots the fuck out of him, and lava kills everyone else

Jcantrell, hater of things

God can do Hunter go one page without making it weird

Old Man Brendan

what the fuck

gellaho

Hey, guess what

Jcantrell, hater of things

I mean, I think if we expected anything better were the assholes

gellaho

This might be the worst ending for a book, so prepare yourselves

Jcantrell, hater of things

Is it sexually weird?

I feel like it might be based on everything else we've read

gellaho

Matrix is going to be a coyote now I guess

Old Man Brendan

Who would have thought the best ending we'd get was Ice and Legs Prostituti getting shot practically off-screen.

gellaho

Isn't that sweet

Now it gets stupid

Jcantrell, hater of things

Hey someone better pick up that phone

Because I called it

Old Man Brendan

Misericordia is every Frank Miller character portrayed by every Brittany Murphy character.

gellaho

Dr James, the dweeb is still alive somehow

Jcantrell, hater of things

Misericordia is the creation of a dude who definitely gets women

Jcantrell, hater of things

Oh he is going to get cyborged

His dick? Is it still intact?

That's important to the cyborg process for some reason

gellaho

Tapcis is sad, but has an idea

Get ready, I need you to be ready

Are you ready?

Jcantrell, hater of things

I can't get any readier

gellaho

THE END

Jcantrell, hater of things

Ha ha ha wow

Old Man Brendan

Oh my God, they're going to Darth Vader Predator's sex-dad in this Robocop.

Jcantrell, hater of things

So he's in Steele's robot body?

gellaho

There was an army of human Steele clones, he got put in one of them

The only cyborg left is a cyborg coyote

Jcantrell, hater of things

See were they expecting another book or is that meant to be the end

It feels like a punchline

Which I guess makes the steele series one long joke

Old Man Brendan

They cooked Steele up an entire body that could be grafted onto an inorganic frame but they can't print new legs and organs.

gellaho

Old Man Brendan

They put him IN A STEELE BODY but they can't put him in a James body.

RIP, everyone.

gellaho

Now there's no Steele cyborg, but two Steele twins running around

And a coyote with Steele's brain

Nothing was resolved, hooray!

What of the Jesus Cult? What of the serial killer? What of The Organization?

Old Man Brendan

Motion to have a future Colt Blacke book cross over with Steele to fix all of this even if the rights bankrupt us.

sensitive New Age jakesy

I’m 100% on board with this

If I’m in charge of that project I have Steele wake up from the events of the last Masters book and realize the SL Hunter books were all a nightmare

gellaho

Well, I'm still on this plane of existence, so my work must not yet be complete.

sensitive New Age jakesy

I wonder if there’s a way to do it on the sly without directly referencing Steele

Like they meet a cyborg named Donovan

That name ain’t trademarked

gellaho

Schmonovan Deale

sensitive New Age jakesy

Donovan Golde

Old Man Brendan

Matrix is Donovan Golde, because he's always soft.

gellaho

Also, what's with this horseshit about only hearing about Matrix's dick

sensitive New Age jakesy

I like Donovan Irone, because you could pronounce it eye-rone or I-ron-ee and that’s ironic

Like rain on your wedding day

sensitive New Age jakesy

Ol’ Flaccid Matty

gellaho

I need to do my official Steele ratings

sensitive New Age jakesy

We do need some power rankings

gellaho

#1 Jagged Steele, great stuff

gellaho

#2 Steele - where it all began, joyously stupid setup

gellaho

then a steep cliff

#3 Cold Steele - objectionable content, but at least things happen

gellaho

#4 Killer Steele - the most vile content-wise, but again, things happen

gellaho

#5 Renegade Steele (tie) - Boring as hell, Ice dies

gellaho

#5 Target Steele (tie) - Boring as hell follow-up to Renegade Steele, everyone dies

gellaho

Another steep cliff

#7 Fugitive Steele - This was extremely painful, and horribly written. But at least it wasn't split into two parts and had an ending

gellaho

And finally, #8 Molten Steele - Fuck you S.L. Hunter

sensitive New Age jakesy

What an unsatisfactory ending

Jcantrell, hater of things

Ha, he's none of those things the tagline says

sensitive New Age jakesy

Pretty much agree with all of these, need to re-read killer Steele

gellaho

That one's real rough

Jcantrell, hater of things

I feel like I expected this all to go nowhere

sensitive New Age jakesy

Killer was rough and if I remember Renegade was bad because it’s boring then Ice dies

gellaho

Page 89 of Killer Steele describes at least 7 rapes

sensitive New Age jakesy

Which is somehow less than Miseri commits in one scene of a Hunter book