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gellaho
🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles Poll Time 🚨
This time we've got a random assortment of three word titles. Vote for your favorite for us to read by using the matching reaction. Polls close at 5pm.
🚙 #36 - Running on Empty
🎸 #48 - Rock 'n' Revenge
🔦 #85 - Winner Take All
FancyShark
All strong
Death lasers is incredibly tempting. But Rock 'N Revenge could potentially give us a Randy Rand scenario.
dr
Ok I'm certain I've read winner take all. I remember that cover.
gellaho
This dude's name is possibly even dumber
gellaho
The Book Cage - Episode 64: The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #48: Rock 'N' Revenge
The people have spoken! This week, we delve headfirst into sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll with along with the best man for the job: Buddy Death. That's right, the Buddy Death. Tough guy and hard rocker of the highest order, he requires the best body guards on the planet: two teenage detectives. This Friday, 5PM Eastern, experience music like you've never before.
gellaho
FancyShark
YES
Buddy Death, understudy of Pal Execution and heir to Chum Demise
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oddly tho, he doesnt get along with Friend Quietus.
LyraV
This is going to be a strange Metalocalypse crossover.
gellaho
Under one hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #48: Rock 'N' Revenge. Here is your preview
Chili Con Cookie Javo
Buddy Death
gellaho
This cover really brittle, there's no way it's surviving the night
Chili Con Cookie Javo
BUDDY DEATH
gellaho
Randy Rand, Buddy Death
Only the best
Chili Con Cookie Javo
I am in awe of Buddy Death, that might be the best fake rock star name since Slade Craven
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Where's the reading happening?
FancyShark
Right here
Manyxe Cooks to Order
One of the voice channels?
FancyShark
Nope. You'll see
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Okay.
gellaho
Time to begin. I'm guessing this is the last time I see this cover intact
FancyShark
Think it'll fragment or will the whole thing fall off?
LyraV
It was never meant for human eyes or hands.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Explode in a burst of HEAVY METALLLLLL!
gellaho
We begin, as usual, with Joe filled with rage
gellaho
Both
Manyxe Cooks to Order
The Flash Gordon theme just started playing in my head when I saw the cover
FancyShark
RATS! AAAGGGHHH!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Rats! Fucking rats. Fucking rats shit."
FancyShark
Complaining a ski trip's been canceled is the fastest way to tell your audience the characters are white
gellaho
May have stumbled onto a horny ghostwriter
gellaho
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also Joe is so angry because when was the last time they did anything and there WASNT a crime?
Manyxe Cooks to Order
...that almost feels personal?
gellaho
Harsh words, Joe
Gentleman Brendan
Behold! I am reborn anew, baptized in root beer and vitriol.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe has strong opinions about heavy metal and as long as he doesn't slander Manowar I'm prepared to let him have them.
FancyShark
Jesus, Joe. The dude has a family
LyraV
After Buddy Death finished touring with GG Allin I bet he did stink.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Holy shit Joe, put some respect on that name. That's Buddy Death you're talking about.
gellaho
Rough times for the "Bayport Times" having to hire high school students
Gentleman Brendan
In my head Frank is the big splodey meathead because all the Franks I know are knuckleheads from Queens.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Ooof also having to hire a Callie.
Gentleman Brendan
I have to reverse it.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Eww.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This one's DNA must still be fairly intact.
FancyShark
Frank's toilet cam business finally earns him some rep
Gentleman Brendan
So the premise is Hardy Boys meet Marilyn Manson? Or Hardy Boys meet Johnny Rotten?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
My dad was named Frank. Not from Queens but otherwise can confirm.
LyraV
its the only actual cd I ever threw out a window and I dont regret it (its owner was warned)
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh if only it was the Hardy Boys Meet GWAR.
FancyShark
I hope it's Hardy Boys meet Lordi
gellaho
I doubt he was selling a lot of vinyl, Mr ghostwriter
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Name five metal bands Joe.
LyraV
I did Not know Heavy Metal was Joe's music.
gellaho
Adjust your expectations for 1991
FancyShark
Joe thinks Limp Bizkit and Dave Matthews are heavy metal
Gentleman Brendan
The Top 5 Heavy "Metal" Bands -- by Blazin' Joe Hardy
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also Joe is a fuckin gatekeeper, and gatekeeping aint metal.
gellaho
Considering his music will be rap in 25 books, I wouldn't take his word for it
Gentleman Brendan
1) VAN. HALEN. Eddie Van Halen. 'Nuff said!
Cyberzone
1. Metallica
2. Iron Man
3. Metallica
4. The Big Sleep
5. Nirvana
Gentleman Brendan
2) Judas Priest. They're always breakin' the law!
3) Megadeth. Dave Mustaine is a legit motherf*** (you know what it means)
LyraV
Hey Joe, here's this Infant Annihilator album.
Have good dreams.
gellaho
Is anything more metal than these two?
Gentleman Brendan
4) Callie & the Runaway Hearts: #1 tribute band, #4 "heavy" metal band.
FancyShark
Jim Henson on bass
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Look having an Amish guitarist is metal as FUCK.
Thats how you get Traditional Amish Death Metal.
Gentleman Brendan
5) Rock Slayerssen and the Giants of Blud: this localband is awesome, check them out if you havent already ok thats it for this month thanks for buying this 'zine"
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Tuning pegs? On a guitar? Pssh! I know what guitar looks like.
gellaho
If the concert's not for two days, why is Buddy here?
FancyShark
Buddy's OCD about his concert start times
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You have to set up the pyrotechnics and all.
It's hardly a metal show if you dont run the risk of setting your drummer on fire.
FancyShark
Gotta make sure every seat has a program pamphlet
Manyxe Cooks to Order
That's the music business these days. A tent in the venue parking lot is considering reasonable accommodations.
gellaho
Syd is so metal
gellaho
FancyShark
Syd was christened by a sneeze
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
That's just Mastodon
Gentleman Brendan
Have we ever seen a Jewishy character in these books who wasn't an entertainment agent?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"These are my clone decanters\would be lovers\sort of detectives The Hardy Boys. You should be familiar, they've like....defeated Dr. Doom and shit."
Gentleman Brendan
Frankkklin W. Mason-Dixon
gellaho
Buddy Death didn't try too hard on his image
FancyShark
I think we had one that was an accountant or producer?
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
I hope Callie has a blast at this show
LyraV
Can you imagine these two at a Behemoth show? so Dead.
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Those explosive drum beats really cut to the core
Gentleman Brendan
Buddy Death also knows the pangs of love, Joe Hardy.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Just need a deli chef and a rabbi and that's Nahtzee!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You need one sensitive ballad on every album so the babes know you are deep.
gellaho
Looks like we got the slender guy writing this one
gellaho
Also, who let in the hippie
Gentleman Brendan
In 2017 Behemoth played with Slayer and some other band here in NewYork, and they promoted it with old-school, handwritten, photocopied flyers.
FancyShark
There's our first redhead sighting
Gentleman Brendan
And I swear to you that third band made it look like three Christian bands playing a KoFC
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Anyway, Callie's article on the booming industry of metal should be the bomb
A real cracker if you will
Gentleman Brendan
I don't think it was Megadeth, they just all sounded either extremely metal or extremely old testament
gellaho
Strikeout, Joe
Gentleman Brendan
I don't share your confidence. This topic is explosive stuff among the youth.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Well at least he takes it in stride.
FancyShark
Joe makes a mental note to have her house swatted
Gentleman Brendan
So this is O.G. Callie, not Clone Callie.
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Yeah but I don't think the newspaper will see any repercussions
gellaho
Buddy Death, crypt keeper
Gentleman Brendan
Well this was the dawn of the internet. Print was dead.
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Anyway, 👧 🚗 💥
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh god a metal band with the Crypt Keeper as a frontman would kind of rule.
gellaho
Fat ninja roadie
Gentleman Brendan
Joe's prowling around where he's not allowed access, peeping in the talent's windows, thinking how he's going to convince security the bassist is the real creep.
Gentleman Brendan
Iron Maiden, basically.
LyraV
I'm trying so hard not to just see Goth Will Ferrell from Elf every time.
FancyShark
Roadie Wilford Brimley
gellaho
Skeezer Bodine and Sammy Shine
Cyberzone
No, you mean The Rolling Stones
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuckin Skeezer Bodine, the nasty one.
That's a name with stank on it.
gellaho
Metal?
FancyShark
So this writer watched a bunch of Nick At Nite and decided "I could write about heavy metal"
Cyberzone
No, a band with the Cryptkeeper as the frontman
Gentleman Brendan
It's always September in Bayport, The Netherlands!
FancyShark
Nirvana?
Gentleman Brendan
The Dutch will get that joke.
Cyberzone
It doesn't count if the guy's actually dead
gellaho
Eric Holiday missed the name meeting
FancyShark
Dang
Gentleman Brendan
This is the punkest metal band I ever met.
LyraV
Holiday, Shine, Skeever and Death
FancyShark
Oop, sounds like Callie's gone
Gentleman Brendan
Gotta give it to the cover artist. The guitarist was in fact a unit.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Now I have the bad boy of skating, Chazz Michael Michaelsom in my head as Buddy Death.
FancyShark
The Three Horsemen and Eric of the Apocalypse
gellaho
This must be the work of the Bayport Phantom!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Somewhere a metal nerd has reflexively pushed up his glasses and took a breath to explain to empty air why punk metal is a real sub genre of metal.
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
This band probably has a trumpet
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Seen
Gentleman Brendan
Honestly, Eric Holiday, gentle bear is such a bassist profile, while Skeezer Bodine is a born lead guitarist, I bet they switched roles to throw the cops fof.
Gentleman Brendan
Get thee behind me, Pitchfork.
gellaho
Buddy Death lacks all survival instincts
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The same nerd, now very confused and frightened is now yelling about "ska metal".
FancyShark
So his name is appropriate
Gentleman Brendan
Have you heard the legend of BiG MiSTAKE?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe knows if he doesn't at least TRY to save him the alibi doesnt work.
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Thanks! My break just ended. I'll read and respond later
FancyShark
aww, we'll miss you, @Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe !
Cyberzone
HE DIED AS HE LIVED, IN A FLASH OF THE BLADE
Gentleman Brendan
We will dedicate this installment's exploding computer and/or Callie to you, @Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
gellaho
Yeah, the Phantom
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
*High falsetto shriek "I AM THE PHANTOM OF THE METAL CONCERT!"
*Mysterious riff from nowhere.
gellaho
So, either the cover is lying. Or, Frank is falling off these catwalks twice
Gentleman Brendan
Hey, it's Deathy Bob!
FancyShark
The boy who cried "I'm falling"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I want it to be twice because I also want the Phantom to kick Franks ass off.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
https://youtu.be/tL25rbnvM4o Metal band doing Phantom.
gellaho
Special Agent Roadie
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
Guy Wire should be Sammy Shine's stage name.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You wanna know how to know if someone was a Navy SEAL? Don't worry, they'll tell you and also commit war crimes.
Gentleman Brendan
The SEAL shot Frank twice in the head, then called for an evac heli that wouldn't suppress his freedoms by requiring him to wear a mask.
Cyberzone
It's beergut Sam Fisher!
LyraV
He held him effortlessly and tightly, their arms intertwined.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The Navy Seal is the author of this book.
Gentleman Brendan
Yeah, we did a lot of regrettable things in Nicaragua to protect YOUR freedom.
gellaho
KONG
FancyShark
:FuckApe:
"Ook"
Cyberzone
...King Kong.
LyraV
Like the dog toy? Aww Kong.
gellaho
Wait...
Roadie...
Kong...
Mist...
I feel something coming...through the mist
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Now I'm imagining this roadie being bulbous and conical and I'm there for it.
Gentleman Brendan
Kong, Brooklyn SEAL
FancyShark
EEEEE!
Cyberzone
I was going for a "My name is Kong...King Kong" type of deal
Gentleman Brendan
Holy cow, this is the most developed character in the series already.
FancyShark
YES!
IS IT
Gentleman Brendan
I know so much about Kong Mononym.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He's got fucking CHARACTER TRAITS!
gellaho
B-B-Bonus Roadie Ape
FancyShark
YYYYYEEEEEESSSSS
ROADIE APE!
Gentleman Brendan
YESSSSSSS!
FancyShark
@Brockway ! New ape during book read!
Gentleman Brendan
NEW MIX APE JUST DROPPED
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah, Roadie Ape!
Gentleman Brendan
...from the catwalk to save Frank
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Getting shit done from behind the scenes! Roadie Ape!
Decapitating demons with his mighty axe!
LyraV
Tattooed, Muscular and Heroic
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Voiced by Jack Black.
Gentleman Brendan
Heavy Metal 2000/Planet of the Apes crossover.
Cyberzone
Roadie Ape is really great,
He is filled with turtle meat
Gentleman Brendan
Somebody resurrect Frazetta, I need to see what this would look like in oil
gellaho
I hope you are keeping up with all these roadies
Gentleman Brendan
Jake Murder, Road Hippie
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Bodacious lady ape and all.
Gentleman Brendan
Death Dealer, but it's an ape and the horse is also an ape.
LyraV
They call him 'His Majesty' oof.
Cyberzone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEgO5R2PEFA
gellaho
Looks like Wesley Snipes is after Buddy Death
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
A metal band should have kings, so that they can be crushed by spotlights.
FancyShark
"There's no way it's Marty Blade, our former keyboardist"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
What kind of nerd metal terrorist sends death threats in PENCIL!
FancyShark
One without confidence
LyraV
This sounds like something Dani Filth would say.
Cyberzone
I read that as "Buddyport"
Also, is this Rocktober Blood: The Book?
LyraV
Wait...is Blade there?
gellaho
Do we get to know Kong's legal name, ghostwriter? No? Alright then
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
If the head aint red, Joe doesnt give a fuuuuuck.
LyraV
I'm always a little concerned that Wesley Snipes in character as Blade might show up at any time and I just would not know what to do.
FancyShark
Joe thinks speaking to a woman is "sweet-talking"
gellaho
Buddy gets in a fight with a lady. Joe knows exactly what to do
Gentleman Brendan
Heavy Metal singer is a good occupation for a vampire.
Gentleman Brendan
I'm angry and gingerphilic but nobody gave me a sweet book series.
FancyShark
Joe throws a haymaker
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe is a sexual puma, in that he stalks and murders women.
Gentleman Brendan
The spotlight of Damocles.
FancyShark
Same. We need a better agent
Cyberzone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNOP2t9FObw
gellaho
Ah, makes sense. Hippie roadie and hippie girl are related
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
If I was a publishing magnate I would give you one.
FancyShark
"Clare Clare Williams? That's too many sounds! I can't remember all of that!"
Gentleman Brendan
This is still one of my favorite movie scenes of all time.
Cyberzone
It is very good.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Clare Clare, do you like milkshakes?"
gellaho
"First you recognized a song, and now you offer me condolences? Fuck you!"
Gentleman Brendan
I don't care how high-falutin' I get, watching Lem from The Shield realize he's the only human in the club is just gooooood horror.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"SYMPATHY?! FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"
FancyShark
Joe's finally found a woman who's actually crazy and no one will believe him
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also not minding his own goddam business is like 70% of Joe's whole deal, he IS a boy detective.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill.
gellaho
Uh oh, Buddy's off his anti-psychotics
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Well....teen boy detective.
In a movie his actor would be like 30
Gentleman Brendan
Clare Williams...Clear means clear. In spanish, that's Sure! Will...I am...I am WILLPOWER...Your name means resolve. There's no WAY you could be the phantom, that's the antonym of resolute!
FancyShark
Buddy moves past Joe and kills Callie
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also fuck yeah, beat the shit out of the Hardy Boys with a two by four, thats metal as fuck.
Gentleman Brendan
Joe hastily kissed Clare, sure that she would never kill him.
gellaho
"If one of them ends up killing me, you'll be sorry"
Gentleman Brendan
They keep a pile of scrap lumber in a dark backstage with many obscure listening nooks around which people can't see?
FancyShark
Sure. Because...metal?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"I know their pig cop dad personally." isnt the reassurance you think it is Syd.
Gentleman Brendan
Bobby began shaving all his hair to ensure the hardys left.
Gentleman Brendan
Relax, Mr. Rockstar, these two come from a whole FAMILY of authority figures!
gellaho
He's an incompetent private investigator
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also saving someone from your first murder trap is alibi 101.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
A PI is just a scuzzier cop who is allowed to jerk off while he watches the crimes.
gellaho
, maaaaaaaaaaaan
Sounding like a real Jake Williams
"Alright, I have illegal access to the criminal data net. Who to investigate first?"
Manyxe Cooks to Order
It's part of Buddy Death's rider.
LyraV
Playing fast and loose with those ethics and morals like all good boy detectives.
gellaho
"Oh, I know. That guy who saved my life!"
gellaho
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank types with the keyboard under his chin and his index fingers alone.
FancyShark
"Hardy, Frank"
"Hardy, Joe"
"Hoffa, Jimmy"
Military records are super easy to access, right?
Gentleman Brendan
Fenton, my name is Special Agent Jones of the FBI. Says here your IP and account were used to access the records on 22 young women at Bayport High School, you know anything about that?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also are notoriously accessible from civilian law enforcement databases.
Gentleman Brendan
Sweet, a scumbag SEAL character. This book is now edgier than all four TV networks
gellaho
, maaaaaaaaaaaan
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Oh yeah, it's all one database. It's where Baskin Robbins looks up your birthday so they know if you're entitled to a free scoop.
Cyberzone
You know he's gonna be the red herring
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Ah sweet 1991, when being a Navy SEAL meant your action figure had a sweet wetsuit and nothing else.
gellaho
"Listen, mister"
FancyShark
No, he's a human
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe demonstrating "Mouth writing checks his body can't cash."
gellaho
The Phantom
FancyShark
Kong immediately puts Joe in charge of pulling the trailer that holds all the gear
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
REally gambling on the former Navy SEAL having gone soft since his military days.
Cyberzone
Yeah, they don't have biker crank like the roadies do
Gentleman Brendan
Joe, this field is too dangerous for the likes of you.
Specifically you.
gellaho
Anticlimax engage
FancyShark
The fact the murderer keeps gunning for Frank at least shows they know which brother is more likely to pose a threat
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Once again Frank coldly logics out how Joe is a dumbass about to be crushed.
FancyShark
oh wait
dammit
Gentleman Brendan
I love this universe. Nothing bad ever happens, just some sabotagey stuff always almost happens.
gellaho
MORE ROADIES! MORE!
FancyShark
Imagine telling any of these events back to someone after you survived them.
"And then this interesting thing allllllmost happened. But it didn't."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank just doing unpaid roadie work, trying to pay his dues and get some work. Boy detectiving aint gonna last forever.
FancyShark
Character: Man, Eastern....something
c'mon, think
gellaho
I'm guessing Duke Wampler spends a lot of time in lockers
FancyShark
Duke comes from a long line of Wamplers
LyraV
Duke Wampler and his trusty horse Winnipeg.
Gentleman Brendan
This was ONE DAY. Joe almost died in two accidents and one assault by the very guy he's there to protect.
gellaho
Duke's secret weapon? Magnifying glass
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Beating Joe to death with a piece of lumber is a natural reaction.
Gentleman Brendan
If Joe worked a normal teen job, Karen would try to stab him for forgetting to hold the pickles, and a splash of hot fry oil would land at his feet only because he slipped clear of it
gellaho
MUST CONSUME... FOLLOWED BY CONSUMPTION
Gentleman Brendan
There would still be two guys exactly like Kong and Jake working with him.
FancyShark
No, Frank, he said crows. They feed the crows. It's adorable.
The crows show up and squawk and they give them bread
LyraV
Even after Wample and his woopling the pictures were no clearer.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Man fuck them, they reminded me pizza exists and now I want one.
gellaho
MORE ROADIES! FATTER ROADIES!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuck there's always a Tex.
FancyShark
Tex and his mustache of fat
Gentleman Brendan
Crow can be trained to do most techie jobs.
gellaho
Roadies and lost love
Gentleman Brendan
"Yeah, this town's special to me. I walked out on my old lady and our boy Chet 14 years ago this week to live the roadie life. Last letter I got from her, she said he was eating to fill the void of my absence. Who needs that kind of guilt?
Oh shit, I was sort of right.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
So far all we know about Buddy is that he is a board swinging maniac nobody likes, should Clare be quite so broken up about it?
FancyShark
Yes. She has a whole barn full of boards that need breaking and no one to break them
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also Kong has a crush on the hippie girl.
Awwwww.
gellaho
"You big meanie!"
FancyShark
"Golly, you make me right steamed, you do!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This is what happens when you hire non Union staff.
gellaho
Presented without context
Gentleman Brendan
"The two Hardys were as different in personalities and looks as their outfits."
FancyShark
hahaha, goddammit, gellaho, I almost spat on my keyboard
LyraV
This writer is thirsty as fuck.
gellaho
This is definitely a task for the untrained 17 year old
Gentleman Brendan
Did not think I'd get to use this soon after hearing it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCsm9oIXec4
FancyShark
"When you get to the top, yell 'Pull!'"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Now, this is very dangerous but not technical, so you are perfect......ly expendable."
gellaho
"I mean, this is literally the sound crew's job. But, fuck it"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Feel free to get hurt in a real gnarly way too, you aren't covered by the insurance so we don't care."
Gentleman Brendan
18 is that perfect age when you're old enough to consent to dangerous work and in no way informed enough for that to be alright.
FancyShark
"Hold this knife in your mouth by the blade. And take some broken glass and live grenades to keep your balance"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Putting this live adder down your pants focuses your mind, helps you stay on task."
gellaho
This is the shittiest road crew. This must be why it takes so long to set up
FancyShark
"We'll fire encouragement arrows at you while you climb"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"After you finish its time for the 10:30 "Attempt to murder a band member" break."
Manyxe Cooks to Order
"But make it funny, the guys need a laugh after your non-union ass stole one of their jobs."
Gentleman Brendan
Stop letting Joe climb things!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Its a fun thing we do."
Gentleman Brendan
God, Joe is the #1 suspect.
gellaho
Seems legit
FancyShark
Frank was still getting used to how breath felt
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Even inanimate objects want him dead.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank hadn't sucked the last breath from the lips of the dying in hours and he was starting to get antsy.
gellaho
MORE ROADIES
FancyShark
The writer's approach seems to be a new roadie for every scene
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
God are we gonna have to remember ANOTHER roadie's name?
gellaho
Yeah, this is how metal guys talk.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"YOURE HISTORY! FINITO! MY NAMES BUDDY DEATH AND I DO COCAINE!"
FancyShark
"Aldente! You're not such a good guy! Youse all be a going"
okay, I'm slowly turning it into Borat
gellaho
I imagine this turning into a falsetto
gellaho
gellaho
I assume he meant getting louder, but that's not what that means
FancyShark
Frank shifts his weight and takes his foot off of Mellor's scrotum
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Mellor" is the name of a wizard and not a music executive.
FancyShark
WHO DARES DISTURB THE SANCTUM OF MELLOR
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"BEHOLD MELLORS MIGHTY MAGICS!"
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Who the fuck holds a press conference on a stage?
Gentleman Brendan
This novel does a lot of telling what happens to Joe or Frank through the passive view of the other Hardy.
gellaho
"And nothing's gonna change the rock scene. Certainly not in the early nineties. What could possibly happen?"
Gentleman Brendan
But also Joe Strummer.
Gentleman Brendan
Some say this novel inspired Nirvana.
Some say it paved the way by killing off the hair bands.
Some say Callie should never have gotten into that van, but it inspired Frank's BEST songwriting.
gellaho
An unforgivable crime to be sure
Gentleman Brendan
Or Joe's, I honestly can't tell them apart.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Grun gee? The fuck kind of music is Grun gi?! The hell is this flannel shirt shit?"
FancyShark
"Once he surpasses Mitch Miller, he'll be unstoppable"
gellaho
What, are you constructing the towers yourself?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"MELLOR IS DISPLEASED WITH YOUR GRUN GI!"
gellaho
Joe is the angry dumbass. Frank is a computer
FancyShark
Callie is sexually frustrated to the point of stupidity because Frank doesn't sex
LyraV
Roadies 8-34 are all unique and special as well.
FancyShark
They should get those Ready to Use tower kits
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Her spinal fluid is 70% lubricant.
gellaho
Really? Ok
Gentleman Brendan
I know, but it's so much easier to picture Jared Kushner as a Joe than a Frank.
I just need to start picturing Joe the Plumber and all his wrong takes.
FancyShark
He's more a stain
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"They travel in a separate limo so its harder to kill the whole band with a car bomb."
"We learned this from Margaret Thatcher."
FancyShark
"Yep. Right in the kisser. Boy golly, I sure am a heavy metal fellow"
Gentleman Brendan
Callie and Nancy Drew are dating, I'm sure of it.
gellaho
This group has a wildly incongruous style
gellaho
gellaho
Ah, the well-known metal congas
FancyShark
Congas a-
DAMMIT
gellaho
All my favorite metal tunes
"The Devil's Drum"
"Conga Killer"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Skeezers T-shirt had stains from semen AND chewing tobacco."
FancyShark
They used to be the Buddy Bop Band, but Death was more metal
He'll have to fight Christopher Lee for it in hell.
gellaho
Skeezer mocks Buddy, and pays dearly
FancyShark
Skeezer's boner was ignored, but only with effort
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"God don't touch him! He could still have a charge.........also his nipples look like they could cut glass."
LyraV
He smelled faintly of rat while cooking.
gellaho
Broom time
Manyxe Cooks to Order
I mean, it was Angus Young's signature move.
FancyShark
This is either sabotage or a shitty contractor
gellaho
We gotta work on your "Um, actually" my man
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh god no dont do CPR on Skeezer, Frank. That is how you get Hepatitis Omega.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Hard rock is def. metal adjacent.
FancyShark
Last person that gave Skeezer mouth to mouth is now in a leper colony
Chili Con Cookie Javo
hey guys just popping in, hows buddy death doing
FancyShark
All the roadies are ridiculous and Buddy Death is a dork
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And smells of jizz and chaw.
FancyShark
So, it rules
gellaho
"Hear that Skeeze? The child says you're gonna be fine. Who needs hands to play an instrument?"
Chili Con Cookie Javo
Skeezer
FancyShark
"I can't feel anything below my neck"
"You're fine"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Now, your hands got so much juice your nerves are basically shorted out, so you wont be able to feel anything with them anymore. On the downside picking up quarters is going to be real hard. Upside is when you jack off, its going to always be a Phantom Stranger."
gellaho
Blade only works with graphite
Manyxe Cooks to Order
This is how Les Harvey died. Mic electrocution.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"MELLORS MYSTICAL SENSES PERCIEVED NOTHING! TIS THE WORK OF SORCERY MOST POTENT!"
FancyShark
"PS Do you like me?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also another goddam pencil note.
gellaho
Frank going full Vulcan
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
If you were going to do block letters you should have cut them from a magazine!
Goddammit this would be killer sucks.
FancyShark
Blade doesn't cut things
Gentleman Brendan
The most metal thing this band ever did and it was in soundcheck.
gellaho
The ancient ghostwriter had just discovered lamination
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"MELLOR GAINS NOTHING FROM THE END OF THE DEATH BUDDY! MELLOR HAS A LOT OF CRYSTALS RIDING ON THIS!"
Gentleman Brendan
Maine driver's license confirmed.
In 2001 I was briefly the owner of the world's shittiest fake ID, given to me by my friend.
It turned out it was REAL and below the quality standards for high school class IDs and library cards
FancyShark
lol
gellaho
Something you usually only get from Joe after hearing 69
Gentleman Brendan
Maine would just print you out a cardstock driver's license and mailing tape it shut.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
No way is laminated paper pushing the bolt aside. That's like trying to dent the Titanic with a pool noodle.
FancyShark
"I've been looking for a dart board."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Hahahah remember when doors were so shitty you could open locks with credit cards? No? Because TV Shows do.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Not even hard plastic. Laminated cardstock.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"MELLOR WAS SIMPLY PRACTICING HIS CANTRIP AIM! THOSE ARE MAAAAGICAL DARTS!:
gellaho
@public jakesy no. 1 You're missing it
Gentleman Brendan
I think at least four doors in my current apartment are like that.
FancyShark
THE INSURANCE MONEY!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"MELLOR IS NO FOOL! MELLOR DOES THE PROPER PAPERWORK TO PROTECT HIS ASSETS FROM LIABILITY!"
gellaho
"The key weighed 80 pounds"
LyraV
Mellor the Magnificent
FancyShark
Oddly, it's a sliding door
Gentleman Brendan
We also would have accepted the schact of a key in a lock--GASP
gellaho
Frank is very mad there were not more deadly microphone stands
FancyShark
Frank considers taunting the inept killer to make detectiving easier
Manyxe Cooks to Order
I thought "oh must be an insurance scam" an hour ago, but then I realised that's too boring a motive, but shit, I was right before I was wrong.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
After inhaling the aroma of a cooked Skeezer I would also be angry.
gellaho
That's not what that phrase means
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"MELLOR HAS BUSINESS ON THE ASTRAL PLANE! WHERE TIME HAS NO MEANING! BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN HE CAN FUCK AROUND, MELLOR HAS SHIT TO DO!"
FancyShark
So this author can't even manage normal English terms and thought they could cover metal
LyraV
gellaho
This is the quickest anticlimax I've seen. Not even a chapter break
gellaho
Solid
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"SHIT MELLOR FORGOT HIS MAGICAL ORB IN TUNNEL C!"
gellaho
Gross
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Yup. Navy SEAL.
public jakesy no. 1
THE INSURANCE MONEY
FancyShark
IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY!
gellaho
Frank returns to his Vulcan teachings
public jakesy no. 1
Kong always tests us
FancyShark
Frank decided to stab Kong instead
public jakesy no. 1
But when you look back and see only one set of footprints on the beach, it was then that Kong carried us
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Also he knew an ex Navy SEAL named Kong could kick his ass, so he decided to kill him with a cunning plan."
gellaho
Well, excuuuuuse me, Kong
public jakesy no. 1
Talk to the hand, Kong
FancyShark
Sick burn
LyraV
Hey this writer wrote every bullying PSA from the 90's too.
Gentleman Brendan
Let me tell you about ANOTHER young fellow with wild hair who really "offended" the wise elders with his "rockin' " message. His name was Christ the LORD
Gentleman Brendan
Frak me, this is so good.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
And they were all autobiographical.
gellaho
"We've decided to build the new tower via cannon"
FancyShark
"Tornado's comin'. Get back to work."
public jakesy no. 1
Steel Cannon is literally Ben Roesthisburger
Gentleman Brendan
Real men: always picking on schoolboys to take their teen girlfriends.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Hey fellows, whats the dealy-o amirite?!"
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Totally on brand for 70s rockers though.
gellaho
"Come on, everybody's working for the weekend"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Kong has that "Takes his dick out at the bowling alley" energy
gellaho
And Steele Cannon can still have human children
Gentleman Brendan
You did this for me and I love you for it.
Gentleman Brendan
That's giving Mr. Boebert Taylor Greene a lot of credit for courage under fire.
gellaho
Rolling Stones reference, perfect for the heavy metal book
LyraV
He haunts my imagination.
public jakesy no. 1
Frank had that reply teed up and all he could say way thanks
FancyShark
Frank leaves people hanging for high fives too
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
To be fair, SEALS mostly plant bombs underwater or sneak up and slit throats when they arent firing grenade launchers at old goat herders so courage doesn't really enter into it much.
gellaho
Snagging is the only response to a harsh whisper
public jakesy no. 1
More like a Careless Whisper
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank is so angry someone has stolen his prey.
FancyShark
oh well. Someone start thawing out Callie 117
gellaho
KARATE ATTACK
Gentleman Brendan
Frank has no idea what sex sounds like because he is a computer.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The internet wont be used for porn for a couple more years in his day.
gellaho
Weird, Callie. Weird.
public jakesy no. 1
"I don't know who it is but I know it makes me horny"
FancyShark
"You knew I was thinking 'waffles'?"
gellaho
"Maybe it was a bird"
FancyShark
"To be fair, most people hate us"
gellaho
Yes! My favorite character, Dumpster brand dumpsters!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"We are famously nosey and annoying so it just could be random."
FancyShark
Dumpster must be a sponsor of these books
Gentleman Brendan
Callie appeared, sweating and flushed, obviously profoundly unsettled by whatever that brute had done to her.
public jakesy no. 1
Dumpster is just Hulk Hogan's porn name
gellaho
Shit, it's a rumble! Watch out, Ponyboy!
Gentleman Brendan
Frank is the WasteCo Bin Disposal Unit of Hardys
public jakesy no. 1
"My eyes are up here, Joe"
FancyShark
Uh oh, fingers are starting to snap
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Switchblade wielding metal fan! Nice!
gellaho
I always get my knife out before taking a ride on my hog
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Time for me to have sexy crime time in Blades, thanks yall. Been fun riffing!
FancyShark
Ahhh. That's how he managed to sneak in. With a motorcycle
Have a good night, @Karate Physics Flippant Sausage !
Great riffing!
gellaho
So wacky
FancyShark
Joe's spine cracks in four places. BOING!
gellaho
Duke Wampler's short jaw was fine
public jakesy no. 1
Long Jaw Duke they call him
FancyShark
He wamples with the best of them
LyraV
The Lorax weeps for the last of the Wamplers.
gellaho
Are we going to learn why the limo driver was fired? No? Ok
Gentleman Brendan
Turns out he's a shovel-mouthed pleisiosaur
Manyxe Cooks to Order
https://www.wamplerpedals.com/
public jakesy no. 1
Long Jaw Duke and the Wamplers opened up for CCR at VanFest '77 if I remember correctly
Gentleman Brendan
Frank can't protect Buddy if he's driving, you dope.
Maybe the driver is the Phantom.
FancyShark
Yeah. Big crowd of folk fans
gellaho
That's what you get from Discount Donny's Cheap Limo Service
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Teens are cheaper than competent professionals, plus, nobody will care if these teend get killed on the job driving a vehicle much larger than they're licensed for.
gellaho
Discount Donny's rental agreement states that you must stop via guard rail friction
FancyShark
Hiya. Discount Donny here. You come down to my shop, I'll make you a sweet deal on this limo. You want brakes? Motherfucker, I'm trying to run a business. You want brakes, Fancy Pants, you go fuck a stump cuz brakes is not discounts
public jakesy no. 1
In the 80s our nations supply of teens was at an all time high anyway
Gentleman Brendan
If you're this capable as a saboteur, you shouldn't be this incapable as a saboteur.
Like you can heat-decay a hand brake but not just like...put a Y/N switch into an electrified doorbell buzzer?
FancyShark
They made a metal tower collapse. But they can't use a gun
gellaho
Metal
Gentleman Brendan
People say our chief export is war, but it's more like our chief import is the death of our least advantaged most likely to lead the revolution.
FancyShark
I'm sure that's a coincidence and not worth exploring
Yep
Pure coincidence
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Hummus is the most metal chickpea based spread.
FancyShark
Buddy doesn't want to eat the hummus. He just feels safe when he has some around.
gellaho
Let's see. Music references so far are Rolling Stones and David Bowie. So metal
FancyShark
The rest of that sentence was "-get out of my house or I'll cut your throat"
public jakesy no. 1
He's from New York and he actually said he wants hummers
He's getting chickpeas instead of blowjobs in the worst swap of all time
gellaho
Health food ain't all it's cracked up to be
FancyShark
"I wanted blowjobs. Why is there -
DAMMIT
Gentleman Brendan
I dunno, have you HAD a wrap on MacDougal St.?
public jakesy no. 1
If that's code for a blowjob, yes
Gentleman Brendan
Mamoun's Falafel will blow your stomach AND your mind.
public jakesy no. 1
Although I see your point, Mediterranean food fucks hard
Gentleman Brendan
I hear you boys like chicks. Well these peas are the hottest chicks out there.
gellaho
"Mamma Mia! I was just-a making tha pizza!"
FancyShark
Sammy turns blue from a broccoli floret in his throat while the Hardys look for antitoxin
Gentleman Brendan
"You've got to 'elp me, mate. This 14-year-old is ready to talk to the press, only isn't she?"
Gentleman Brendan
Personal chefs: always stirring bowls of dough in the crook of their arm.
gellaho
Hippies fighting about poems. First thing that makes sense
FancyShark
It's not to cook anything. It's how he unwinds.
public jakesy no. 1
He's about to put the beat in beatnik
FancyShark
Wait, she's pretty? Way to bury the lead, author
public jakesy no. 1
Ass kicking, that's what I'm talking about
LyraV
I'm just a calm, reasonable person shouting orders into your face.
public jakesy no. 1
I'm Buddy and I'm here to eat hummus and kick asses, and I've already eaten all the asses
gellaho
Sure, give away the most lucrative seats
gellaho
public jakesy no. 1
Famously the media gets all the good seats
Gentleman Brendan
It's called subtext, David. We knew she was pretty because the author made us listen to her opinions.
public jakesy no. 1
Press boxes are usually courtside right
FancyShark
Nothing like showing the press what the performers will see
Gentleman Brendan
I dunno, Pepsi once let me and the rest of Thrillist attend a '90s revival and I was close enough to eye-declare my intentions to both Salt n Pepa and En Vogue.
gellaho
DO NOT SPEAK OF STOMACH PUMPS. WE MUST CONSUME
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The press found it difficult to report accurately in the middle of a mosh pit.
Gentleman Brendan
Lisa Loeb did NOT pick up what I was throwing down which would have been a real victory for me since she married my internship boss.
FancyShark
Damn you, author. Now I want omelets
gellaho
That knifing was so fucking passé
public jakesy no. 1
At least you shot the shot
Gentleman Brendan
This author clearly likes Joe more than Frank because he keeps trying to kill him.
It's true. I very nearly got acknowledged by real-life Mary Jane Watson
FancyShark
"Knives? What are we, gutter trash?"
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Oh shit, I have the same birthday as Lisa Loeb. So does Rupert Murdoch and Douglas Adams.
Gentleman Brendan
Wow
FancyShark
That's a roller coaster of names
Gentleman Brendan
Some DM should chart THAT
LyraV
You could all do the same astrology dance.
Gentleman Brendan
Anyone who says astrology is real, I give you that panoply of madness
Like plainly Murdoch and Adams are at opposite ends of...intellectualism? Authoritarianism?
gellaho
I can't tell if this motel is skeevy. Maybe some more clues?
FancyShark
Value as people
Gentleman Brendan
But what's the Y axis on Manyxe and Lisa Loeb?
public jakesy no. 1
I share my birthday with one famous person and between the two of us, we have 7 Super Bowl rings
FancyShark
oh
FancyShark
Dan Marino?
Gentleman Brendan
Sharing guests' info combines EXTRA poorly with motels that charge by the hour.
gellaho
Famously has no rings
FancyShark
I took a shot
public jakesy no. 1
Yeah because I have the other 7
I murdered Tom Brady to get them
Manyxe Cooks to Order
I don't even know what the y axis charts.
gellaho
"I don't want to talk about that guy I constantly skulk around!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Well Blades didnt happen which is unfortunate but at least I can come back for more riffing.
And nap after!
FancyShark
"You hit the word 'Examiner' really hard, lady. Are you okay?"
gellaho
Oh, fuck you
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
SHUT UP AND MAKE OUT!
Manyxe Cooks to Order
No way this place pays enough for him to give a shit about guest safety if he can't afford dentures.
FancyShark
Musicians are just poets with someone trying to play them off stage
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I reflexively yell "Shut up and make out!" when someone says "I'm more of a poet."
That way I don't have to listen to nonconsensual poetry.
gellaho
"It's their favorite anime girls!"
Manyxe Cooks to Order
And if as a manager you hire a guy with no teeth to work the first point of contact for customers, you don't give a fuck either.
FancyShark
"Ignore the pixelated parts"
Gentleman Brendan
That's why you live in seedy motels.
gellaho
Contractually required car bomb
Gentleman Brendan
Rappers are just sky pirates with peg legs.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I just want to put this out there: "Adventure Time with Kong and Jake."
Gentleman Brendan
IIIIIT'S HAAAPPENIIIINNNNG
FancyShark
We're actually going to see it?!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Technically a van bomb, which is more radical.
gellaho
This is a great opportunity for continuity. Tie this back to Joe's exploded girlfriend - wait, no? You're not going to do that, ghostwriter? OK
Gentleman Brendan
Callie's mother, at the funeral, asking God why her daughter didn't learn her lesson and leave FrankJoe after the first three car bombs almost killed her.
public jakesy no. 1
Way more pubes too
FancyShark
OH MY GOD! WE NEARLY HAD SOMETHING HAPPEN! RUN!
gellaho
"This is like our thirtieth car bomb, Frank. We are the pros"
FancyShark
"One of these wires controls the radio. I need my Mariah Carey"
gellaho
Woo, that was close
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Wait it had a backup timer?!
What the fuck?
FancyShark
Bomb countdowns are less dramatic when you can look further down the page and see there hasn't been an explosion
public jakesy no. 1
Circuitry is Fuckin amazing
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I'm beginning to realize I could blow up the Hardy Boys really easily.
Gentleman Brendan
Bomb Squad is on its way. Joe Hardy is extraneous to this Joe Hardy scene.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Just dont put a timer on the bomb.
gellaho
If only there were some kind of appropriate song about the breaking of laws. Oh well
FancyShark
You mean like actual bomb users? That's insane
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe starts humming that one Clash song everyone likes.
gellaho
Classic mistake. Joe Hardy is an immortal
Gentleman Brendan
Let's be honest, Judas Priest is more hard rock than metal.
FancyShark
And Slipknot is more punk mixed with screaming
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This is the first time someone has told the boys they're not the law and it's thrown them for a loop.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
As an Iowan I am contractually obligated to both point out that Slipknot is from here and apologize.
gellaho
Incorrect
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe's gonna go full Dredd on this guy
gellaho
That is someone who has never heard Painkiller
Gentleman Brendan
The problem is as metal evolves what was once metal is now less metal.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Y'all I am so sorry for Slipknot.
gellaho
Again, never heard Painkiller
Gentleman Brendan
Whereas as rock evolves rock becomes less what is rock n' roll
FancyShark
Rolls go bad if left out too long
public jakesy no. 1
As penance you can send us all a Runza
Gentleman Brendan
Oh hell ya, I'll take a runza.
gellaho
Climbed into the flies
gellaho
Also, twenty minutes? Jesus
Gentleman Brendan
I want to start a restaurant called Corner Pocket that only serves regional meat pocket pastries and dumplings.
FancyShark
Every photosensitive person in a mile radius instinctively closes their eyes
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"OH DUDE! Did you catch that Buddy Death show last night? With the swarms of live flies?!"
gellaho
Oh, no! Not confetti!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
YES KILL BUDDY WITH A LITERAL CANNON!
FancyShark
"Hope you like t-shirts, Buddy"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuckin sweet!
Oh god is Blade using glitter for grape shot?
I hope so.
gellaho
Probably because a pitcher's stance is not conducive to throwing wrenches
FancyShark
"You missed."
"Did I?"
"Yes."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You wanna do a big step before you huck a wrench.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
"It does terrible things to video compression algorithms!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
That way you engage your whole body.
The power starts in your ankles.
gellaho
I don't know if darts would be very accurate out of a cannon
Gentleman Brendan
Media front and center, already typing that the best part of the show was the one with no band.
Goddamn, the Phantom's hit rate is SHIT
FancyShark
Now that's how I want to play 301
Gentleman Brendan
He's all intelligence, no dexterity
gellaho
Little darts and stubby pistol. I think this author is trying to tell me something
Gentleman Brendan
Also he's Clare, right?
LyraV
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Trying to make it look like an accident when youve sent death threats is a real power move.
Gentleman Brendan
Blade the Phantom: The Phantom Blade
public jakesy no. 1
Metal Gear Solid;
gellaho
The Grim set is the hardest to get
FancyShark
Frank expected to be shot and did nothing to prevent it
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
HE HAD A GUN THE WHOLE TIME!?
Fuck you, ghostwriter.
Chili Con Cookie Javo
Yeah, Joe is really gonna handle BLADE
gellaho
Lubing up
Chili Con Cookie Javo
maybe his strategy will be just to die as slowly as possible
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He could have popped Buddy and Joe could be eating grinders at a diner by now.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Fuck yes, it's Batman!
FancyShark
Strategy and Joe Hardy are not on speaking terms
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe can't even spell strategy.
Gentleman Brendan
Blade skidded to his death, crushing Skeezer
Chili Con Cookie Javo
Joe out here literally trying to looney tune an assassin
gellaho
The Hardy's new tool-based offense
Gentleman Brendan
Joe is the tactics, Frank is the strategy.
FancyShark
Still on the stage, waiting for medical aid
Chili Con Cookie Javo
pliers
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Blade, he of the Limp Wrist
public jakesy no. 1
Talk about a 5 tool Slayer
FancyShark
Don't think you can go full Yakuza on Blade, Joe
Chili Con Cookie Javo
Joe pounded on him like a tiger, pinning him to the deck is from the wrong novel
gellaho
Seems like Frank's second near fall is Joe related
Gentleman Brendan
There are more ways the "pliers to gun wrist at a crowded concert" strategy could have gone wrong, but only one way it went right.
Chili Con Cookie Javo
somewhere a romance novel is discussing a pair of pliers
gellaho
The cover lied. That almost never happens with Hardy Boys. I'm disappointed
Gentleman Brendan
Maybe Joe had the Leatherman with the heat-targeting laser accessory.
Chili Con Cookie Javo
see thats why I voted for the lasers
Gentleman Brendan
wait, did Blade even slip??
FancyShark
Next time
gellaho
That's not what lube does
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
There's a serious lack of balaclava clad phantoms kicking Hardy boys off catwalks so far.
Gentleman Brendan
Okay guy wire + grease
FancyShark
"Guy wire" isn't a typo?
gellaho
It was the hippie all along. Of course
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I do like how the Boys have switched to trying to flat out murder this dude.
What with the catwalk lubing.
FancyShark
And they still suck at it
GASP!
NOT JAKE!
gellaho
Case closed
gellaho
FancyShark
Which one was Jake?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Clare Clares brother?! GASP!
FancyShark
GASP!
Also, thank you
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I mean WE knew it was Jake because the author stopped calling him Blade and suddenly called him Jake.
gellaho
The author has a great idea of what metal songs are like
gellaho
"They're like, what, little girl poems? Eh, whatever. I don't give a shit."
Gentleman Brendan
Hair metal band confirms.
LyraV
Jake 'Blade' Kong, Detective for Hire
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"My brother isnt really a bad kind of murderer." is a weak ass defense.
FancyShark
Ooohhhh, okay. So "Buddy Death" is code for "Winger"
Gentleman Brendan
Jake's not really bad, he just murder-twoed a dozen people trying to get at my ex with "To whom it may concern."
SCOOOOOOOPED
gellaho
But Joe recognized the music?
gellaho
This doesn't make a lot of sense, ghostwriter
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It's always such a pleasure scooping Brendan because it means I get to feel extra funny.
Chili Con Cookie Javo
KATTTHLLLLEEEEENNNNN IS SUCH A BITTTTCCCHHHHHHHHH
GOD I HATE MATTTTTHHHHHHH CLAAASSSSSSSSSSSS
[shreds]
gellaho
Seventeen is a classic teen girl poem
Chili Con Cookie Javo
I mean, it is about a teen girl
Gentleman Brendan
My dude-person, you're already the MVP tonight.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Teen girls often put their poetry to music, yes this is true.
gellaho
It is kind of about a teenage girl surprising a grown man with her sexual prowess
Gentleman Brendan
MRSSSSS RICHARRRRD MARRRRRX
FancyShark
I will steal your crown one day, @Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Gentleman Brendan
Come off it, Shark, you walk away with more of these than not.
FancyShark
It's a fun challenge though!
FancyShark
You all inspire me to step up my game
gellaho
Writer admitting this doesn't make much sense
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Or maybe, he just doesnt like his bitch of a sister that much?
I mean.........I HAVE sisters.
I wouldnt necessarily NOT blow one of them up.
LyraV
He was in a classic poetry defense blood haze.
gellaho
And we end with the Hardy Boys being offered roadie jobs, despite fucking everything up
FancyShark
Aaaaand metal tower falls and kills Buddy
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"No thanks, we can get away with more crimes as unlicensed law enforcement."
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Some fuckers will do anything to avoid paying union rates.
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #48: Rock 'N' Revenge
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"We travel alot anyway, one time we killed some French dipshits and framed the KGB."
Gentleman Brendan
Name one time the Hardys actually prevented the assassination attempt.
LyraV
This one was exceptionally awesome @gellaho
gellaho
So concludes the 64th edition of The Book Cage
FancyShark
Hell yes it was
Gentleman Brendan
That was GOOD book cage.
gellaho
Remember to take your Roadie Ape with you on your way hope
public jakesy no. 1
They gave William Henry Harrison a coat once
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It was a good compensation for my Blades in the Dark postponement.
FancyShark
Fantastic riffing from you all
@Karate Physics Flippant Sausage , sorry for being a dick. I meant it to come off as a playful compliment
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
What? No I absolutely took it that way.
LyraV
You're all awesome riff masters as far as I'm concerned.
FancyShark
Fuck yeah. Then I'm not sorry
Gentleman Brendan
Knowing them it probably had fungus that causes pneumonia and then they pushed him out of the wayof donning it.
FancyShark
You too!
Gentleman Brendan
I SOW DISCORD
ON DISCORD, SO
public jakesy no. 1
Now if you'll all excuse me, it's Bourbon OE day at smog city
FancyShark
Also, one more shout out to @LyraV for Phantom Blade
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
They were the ones to suggest that President Garfield should have liquified beef pumped into his ass after being shot.
That should go in Appreciation Day.
LyraV
and in the proper season shall your crop of laughter grow?
Buddy Death would be all over that poem.
Gentleman Brendan
FEELINGS
When it's quiet
When it's dark
In the moonlight
at the park
Death stalks you! Death licks your booooooones!
FancyShark
"Buddy, it's Syd. It's good, but we think it needs tubas. Tubas are very hot right now."
LyraV
thank you so much, I'm starting to think I shouldn't have ever figured out how to edit photos
gellaho
"Could your lyrics involve more ponies?"
LyraV
Also CONGaS!
FancyShark
It beginssssss
Gentleman Brendan
Clare invented heavy metal
It's only Melvin Death called up his cousin with that new sound he'd been looking for.
FancyShark
"Is there any way to get some rainbows into the lyrics or...OO! How about during the bridge, we have a full rainbow on stage like a rainbow bridge, huh? Huh? Buddy? You still there?"
Manyxe Cooks to Order
"Buddy, I keep telling you, more lutes, castanets and please, for the love of God, get me that glockenspiel! Also, the light show needs to be three times as long!"
gellaho
"Sorry, Dio has kind of cornered the rainbow market"
LyraV
Thank you lol the muses spoke of mole rats and blade
That comic is seriously awesome @Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Gentleman Brendan
Yeah, Mo makes all our nightmares come true.
Thank you for that romp, @gellaho
gellaho
De nada
FancyShark
Have a good night, hotdoggers!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Sorry I missed most of this one. See you next week!
