🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles Poll Time 🚨
This time we've got a random assortment of three word titles. Vote for your favorite for us to read by using the matching reaction. Polls close at 5pm.
🚙 #36 - Running on Empty
🎸 #48 - Rock 'n' Revenge
🔦 #85 - Winner Take All
All strong
Death lasers is incredibly tempting. But Rock 'N Revenge could potentially give us a Randy Rand scenario.
Ok I'm certain I've read winner take all. I remember that cover.
This dude's name is possibly even dumber
The Book Cage - Episode 64: The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #48: Rock 'N' Revenge
The people have spoken! This week, we delve headfirst into sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll with along with the best man for the job: Buddy Death. That's right, the Buddy Death. Tough guy and hard rocker of the highest order, he requires the best body guards on the planet: two teenage detectives. This Friday, 5PM Eastern, experience music like you've never before.
YES
Buddy Death, understudy of Pal Execution and heir to Chum Demise
Oddly tho, he doesnt get along with Friend Quietus.
This is going to be a strange Metalocalypse crossover.
Under one hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #48: Rock 'N' Revenge. Here is your preview
Buddy Death
This cover really brittle, there's no way it's surviving the night
BUDDY DEATH
Randy Rand, Buddy Death
Only the best
I am in awe of Buddy Death, that might be the best fake rock star name since Slade Craven
Where's the reading happening?
Right here
One of the voice channels?
Nope. You'll see
Okay.
Time to begin. I'm guessing this is the last time I see this cover intact
Think it'll fragment or will the whole thing fall off?
It was never meant for human eyes or hands.
Explode in a burst of HEAVY METALLLLLL!
We begin, as usual, with Joe filled with rage
Both
The Flash Gordon theme just started playing in my head when I saw the cover
RATS! AAAGGGHHH!
"Rats! Fucking rats. Fucking rats shit."
Complaining a ski trip's been canceled is the fastest way to tell your audience the characters are white
May have stumbled onto a horny ghostwriter
Also Joe is so angry because when was the last time they did anything and there WASNT a crime?
...that almost feels personal?
Harsh words, Joe
Behold! I am reborn anew, baptized in root beer and vitriol.
Joe has strong opinions about heavy metal and as long as he doesn't slander Manowar I'm prepared to let him have them.
Jesus, Joe. The dude has a family
After Buddy Death finished touring with GG Allin I bet he did stink.
Holy shit Joe, put some respect on that name. That's Buddy Death you're talking about.
Rough times for the "Bayport Times" having to hire high school students
In my head Frank is the big splodey meathead because all the Franks I know are knuckleheads from Queens.
Ooof also having to hire a Callie.
I have to reverse it.
Eww.
This one's DNA must still be fairly intact.
Frank's toilet cam business finally earns him some rep
So the premise is Hardy Boys meet Marilyn Manson? Or Hardy Boys meet Johnny Rotten?
My dad was named Frank. Not from Queens but otherwise can confirm.
its the only actual cd I ever threw out a window and I dont regret it (its owner was warned)
Oh if only it was the Hardy Boys Meet GWAR.
I hope it's Hardy Boys meet Lordi
I doubt he was selling a lot of vinyl, Mr ghostwriter
Name five metal bands Joe.
I did Not know Heavy Metal was Joe's music.
Adjust your expectations for 1991
Joe thinks Limp Bizkit and Dave Matthews are heavy metal
The Top 5 Heavy "Metal" Bands -- by Blazin' Joe Hardy
Also Joe is a fuckin gatekeeper, and gatekeeping aint metal.
Considering his music will be rap in 25 books, I wouldn't take his word for it
1) VAN. HALEN. Eddie Van Halen. 'Nuff said!
1. Metallica
2. Iron Man
3. Metallica
4. The Big Sleep
5. Nirvana
2) Judas Priest. They're always breakin' the law!
3) Megadeth. Dave Mustaine is a legit motherf*** (you know what it means)
Hey Joe, here's this Infant Annihilator album.
Have good dreams.
Is anything more metal than these two?
4) Callie & the Runaway Hearts: #1 tribute band, #4 "heavy" metal band.
Jim Henson on bass
Look having an Amish guitarist is metal as FUCK.
Thats how you get Traditional Amish Death Metal.
5) Rock Slayerssen and the Giants of Blud: this localband is awesome, check them out if you havent already ok thats it for this month thanks for buying this 'zine"
Tuning pegs? On a guitar? Pssh! I know what guitar looks like.
If the concert's not for two days, why is Buddy here?
Buddy's OCD about his concert start times
You have to set up the pyrotechnics and all.
It's hardly a metal show if you dont run the risk of setting your drummer on fire.
Gotta make sure every seat has a program pamphlet
That's the music business these days. A tent in the venue parking lot is considering reasonable accommodations.
Syd is so metal
Syd was christened by a sneeze
That's just Mastodon
Have we ever seen a Jewishy character in these books who wasn't an entertainment agent?
"These are my clone decanters\would be lovers\sort of detectives The Hardy Boys. You should be familiar, they've like....defeated Dr. Doom and shit."
Frankkklin W. Mason-Dixon
Buddy Death didn't try too hard on his image
I think we had one that was an accountant or producer?
I hope Callie has a blast at this show
Can you imagine these two at a Behemoth show? so Dead.
Those explosive drum beats really cut to the core
Buddy Death also knows the pangs of love, Joe Hardy.
Just need a deli chef and a rabbi and that's Nahtzee!
You need one sensitive ballad on every album so the babes know you are deep.
Looks like we got the slender guy writing this one
Also, who let in the hippie
In 2017 Behemoth played with Slayer and some other band here in NewYork, and they promoted it with old-school, handwritten, photocopied flyers.
There's our first redhead sighting
And I swear to you that third band made it look like three Christian bands playing a KoFC
Anyway, Callie's article on the booming industry of metal should be the bomb
A real cracker if you will
I don't think it was Megadeth, they just all sounded either extremely metal or extremely old testament
Strikeout, Joe
I don't share your confidence. This topic is explosive stuff among the youth.
Well at least he takes it in stride.
Joe makes a mental note to have her house swatted
So this is O.G. Callie, not Clone Callie.
Yeah but I don't think the newspaper will see any repercussions
Buddy Death, crypt keeper
Well this was the dawn of the internet. Print was dead.
Anyway, 👧 🚗 💥
Oh god a metal band with the Crypt Keeper as a frontman would kind of rule.
Fat ninja roadie
Joe's prowling around where he's not allowed access, peeping in the talent's windows, thinking how he's going to convince security the bassist is the real creep.
Iron Maiden, basically.
I'm trying so hard not to just see Goth Will Ferrell from Elf every time.
Roadie Wilford Brimley
Skeezer Bodine and Sammy Shine
No, you mean The Rolling Stones
Fuckin Skeezer Bodine, the nasty one.
That's a name with stank on it.
Metal?
So this writer watched a bunch of Nick At Nite and decided "I could write about heavy metal"
No, a band with the Cryptkeeper as the frontman
It's always September in Bayport, The Netherlands!
Nirvana?
The Dutch will get that joke.
It doesn't count if the guy's actually dead
Eric Holiday missed the name meeting
Dang
This is the punkest metal band I ever met.
Holiday, Shine, Skeever and Death
Oop, sounds like Callie's gone
Gotta give it to the cover artist. The guitarist was in fact a unit.
Now I have the bad boy of skating, Chazz Michael Michaelsom in my head as Buddy Death.
The Three Horsemen and Eric of the Apocalypse
This must be the work of the Bayport Phantom!
Somewhere a metal nerd has reflexively pushed up his glasses and took a breath to explain to empty air why punk metal is a real sub genre of metal.
This band probably has a trumpet
Seen
Honestly, Eric Holiday, gentle bear is such a bassist profile, while Skeezer Bodine is a born lead guitarist, I bet they switched roles to throw the cops fof.
Get thee behind me, Pitchfork.
Buddy Death lacks all survival instincts
The same nerd, now very confused and frightened is now yelling about "ska metal".
So his name is appropriate
Have you heard the legend of BiG MiSTAKE?
Joe knows if he doesn't at least TRY to save him the alibi doesnt work.
Thanks! My break just ended. I'll read and respond later
aww, we'll miss you, @Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe !
HE DIED AS HE LIVED, IN A FLASH OF THE BLADE
We will dedicate this installment's exploding computer and/or Callie to you, @Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Yeah, the Phantom
*High falsetto shriek "I AM THE PHANTOM OF THE METAL CONCERT!"
*Mysterious riff from nowhere.
So, either the cover is lying. Or, Frank is falling off these catwalks twice
Hey, it's Deathy Bob!
The boy who cried "I'm falling"
I want it to be twice because I also want the Phantom to kick Franks ass off.
https://youtu.be/tL25rbnvM4o Metal band doing Phantom.
Special Agent Roadie
Guy Wire should be Sammy Shine's stage name.
You wanna know how to know if someone was a Navy SEAL? Don't worry, they'll tell you and also commit war crimes.
The SEAL shot Frank twice in the head, then called for an evac heli that wouldn't suppress his freedoms by requiring him to wear a mask.
It's beergut Sam Fisher!
He held him effortlessly and tightly, their arms intertwined.
The Navy Seal is the author of this book.
Yeah, we did a lot of regrettable things in Nicaragua to protect YOUR freedom.
KONG
:FuckApe:
"Ook"
...King Kong.
Like the dog toy? Aww Kong.
Wait...
Roadie...
Kong...
Mist...
I feel something coming...through the mist
Now I'm imagining this roadie being bulbous and conical and I'm there for it.
Kong, Brooklyn SEAL
EEEEE!
I was going for a "My name is Kong...King Kong" type of deal
Holy cow, this is the most developed character in the series already.
YES!
IS IT
I know so much about Kong Mononym.
He's got fucking CHARACTER TRAITS!
B-B-Bonus Roadie Ape
YYYYYEEEEEESSSSS
ROADIE APE!
YESSSSSSS!
@Brockway ! New ape during book read!
NEW MIX APE JUST DROPPED
Fuck yeah, Roadie Ape!
...from the catwalk to save Frank
Getting shit done from behind the scenes! Roadie Ape!
Decapitating demons with his mighty axe!
Tattooed, Muscular and Heroic
Voiced by Jack Black.
Heavy Metal 2000/Planet of the Apes crossover.
Roadie Ape is really great,
He is filled with turtle meat
Somebody resurrect Frazetta, I need to see what this would look like in oil
I hope you are keeping up with all these roadies
Jake Murder, Road Hippie
Bodacious lady ape and all.
Death Dealer, but it's an ape and the horse is also an ape.
They call him 'His Majesty' oof.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEgO5R2PEFA
Looks like Wesley Snipes is after Buddy Death
A metal band should have kings, so that they can be crushed by spotlights.
"There's no way it's Marty Blade, our former keyboardist"
What kind of nerd metal terrorist sends death threats in PENCIL!
One without confidence
This sounds like something Dani Filth would say.
I read that as "Buddyport"
Also, is this Rocktober Blood: The Book?
Wait...is Blade there?
Do we get to know Kong's legal name, ghostwriter? No? Alright then
If the head aint red, Joe doesnt give a fuuuuuck.
I'm always a little concerned that Wesley Snipes in character as Blade might show up at any time and I just would not know what to do.
Joe thinks speaking to a woman is "sweet-talking"
Buddy gets in a fight with a lady. Joe knows exactly what to do
Heavy Metal singer is a good occupation for a vampire.
I'm angry and gingerphilic but nobody gave me a sweet book series.
Joe throws a haymaker
Joe is a sexual puma, in that he stalks and murders women.
The spotlight of Damocles.
Same. We need a better agent
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNOP2t9FObw
Ah, makes sense. Hippie roadie and hippie girl are related
If I was a publishing magnate I would give you one.
"Clare Clare Williams? That's too many sounds! I can't remember all of that!"
This is still one of my favorite movie scenes of all time.
It is very good.
"Clare Clare, do you like milkshakes?"
"First you recognized a song, and now you offer me condolences? Fuck you!"
I don't care how high-falutin' I get, watching Lem from The Shield realize he's the only human in the club is just gooooood horror.
"SYMPATHY?! FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"
Joe's finally found a woman who's actually crazy and no one will believe him
Also not minding his own goddam business is like 70% of Joe's whole deal, he IS a boy detective.
Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill.
Uh oh, Buddy's off his anti-psychotics
Well....teen boy detective.
In a movie his actor would be like 30
Clare Williams...Clear means clear. In spanish, that's Sure! Will...I am...I am WILLPOWER...Your name means resolve. There's no WAY you could be the phantom, that's the antonym of resolute!
Buddy moves past Joe and kills Callie
Also fuck yeah, beat the shit out of the Hardy Boys with a two by four, thats metal as fuck.
Joe hastily kissed Clare, sure that she would never kill him.
"If one of them ends up killing me, you'll be sorry"
They keep a pile of scrap lumber in a dark backstage with many obscure listening nooks around which people can't see?
Sure. Because...metal?
"I know their pig cop dad personally." isnt the reassurance you think it is Syd.
Bobby began shaving all his hair to ensure the hardys left.
Relax, Mr. Rockstar, these two come from a whole FAMILY of authority figures!
He's an incompetent private investigator
Also saving someone from your first murder trap is alibi 101.
A PI is just a scuzzier cop who is allowed to jerk off while he watches the crimes.
, maaaaaaaaaaaan
Sounding like a real Jake Williams
"Alright, I have illegal access to the criminal data net. Who to investigate first?"
It's part of Buddy Death's rider.
Playing fast and loose with those ethics and morals like all good boy detectives.
"Oh, I know. That guy who saved my life!"
Frank types with the keyboard under his chin and his index fingers alone.
"Hardy, Frank"
"Hardy, Joe"
"Hoffa, Jimmy"
Military records are super easy to access, right?
Fenton, my name is Special Agent Jones of the FBI. Says here your IP and account were used to access the records on 22 young women at Bayport High School, you know anything about that?
Also are notoriously accessible from civilian law enforcement databases.
Sweet, a scumbag SEAL character. This book is now edgier than all four TV networks