Gentleman Brendan
If you're this capable as a saboteur, you shouldn't be this incapable as a saboteur.
Like you can heat-decay a hand brake but not just like...put a Y/N switch into an electrified doorbell buzzer?
66: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #48: Rock 'N' Revenge Franklin W. Dixon
Tags:
Mix hard rock with hard crime - and danger's bound to hit the top of the charts.
Archive
FancyShark
They made a metal tower collapse. But they can't use a gun
gellaho
Metal
Gentleman Brendan
People say our chief export is war, but it's more like our chief import is the death of our least advantaged most likely to lead the revolution.
FancyShark
I'm sure that's a coincidence and not worth exploring
Yep
Pure coincidence
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Hummus is the most metal chickpea based spread.
FancyShark
Buddy doesn't want to eat the hummus. He just feels safe when he has some around.
gellaho
Let's see. Music references so far are Rolling Stones and David Bowie. So metal
FancyShark
The rest of that sentence was "-get out of my house or I'll cut your throat"
public jakesy no. 1
He's from New York and he actually said he wants hummers
He's getting chickpeas instead of blowjobs in the worst swap of all time
gellaho
Health food ain't all it's cracked up to be
FancyShark
"I wanted blowjobs. Why is there -
DAMMIT
Gentleman Brendan
I dunno, have you HAD a wrap on MacDougal St.?
public jakesy no. 1
If that's code for a blowjob, yes
Gentleman Brendan
Mamoun's Falafel will blow your stomach AND your mind.
public jakesy no. 1
Although I see your point, Mediterranean food fucks hard
Gentleman Brendan
I hear you boys like chicks. Well these peas are the hottest chicks out there.
gellaho
"Mamma Mia! I was just-a making tha pizza!"
FancyShark
Sammy turns blue from a broccoli floret in his throat while the Hardys look for antitoxin
Gentleman Brendan
"You've got to 'elp me, mate. This 14-year-old is ready to talk to the press, only isn't she?"
Gentleman Brendan
Personal chefs: always stirring bowls of dough in the crook of their arm.
gellaho
Hippies fighting about poems. First thing that makes sense
FancyShark
It's not to cook anything. It's how he unwinds.
public jakesy no. 1
He's about to put the beat in beatnik
FancyShark
Wait, she's pretty? Way to bury the lead, author
public jakesy no. 1
Ass kicking, that's what I'm talking about
LyraV
I'm just a calm, reasonable person shouting orders into your face.
public jakesy no. 1
I'm Buddy and I'm here to eat hummus and kick asses, and I've already eaten all the asses
gellaho
Sure, give away the most lucrative seats
gellaho
public jakesy no. 1
Famously the media gets all the good seats
Gentleman Brendan
It's called subtext, David. We knew she was pretty because the author made us listen to her opinions.
public jakesy no. 1
Press boxes are usually courtside right
FancyShark
Nothing like showing the press what the performers will see
Gentleman Brendan
I dunno, Pepsi once let me and the rest of Thrillist attend a '90s revival and I was close enough to eye-declare my intentions to both Salt n Pepa and En Vogue.
gellaho
DO NOT SPEAK OF STOMACH PUMPS. WE MUST CONSUME
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The press found it difficult to report accurately in the middle of a mosh pit.
Gentleman Brendan
Lisa Loeb did NOT pick up what I was throwing down which would have been a real victory for me since she married my internship boss.
FancyShark
Damn you, author. Now I want omelets
gellaho
That knifing was so fucking passé
public jakesy no. 1
At least you shot the shot
Gentleman Brendan
This author clearly likes Joe more than Frank because he keeps trying to kill him.
It's true. I very nearly got acknowledged by real-life Mary Jane Watson
FancyShark
"Knives? What are we, gutter trash?"
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Oh shit, I have the same birthday as Lisa Loeb. So does Rupert Murdoch and Douglas Adams.
Gentleman Brendan
Wow
FancyShark
That's a roller coaster of names
Gentleman Brendan
Some DM should chart THAT
LyraV
You could all do the same astrology dance.
Gentleman Brendan
Anyone who says astrology is real, I give you that panoply of madness
Like plainly Murdoch and Adams are at opposite ends of...intellectualism? Authoritarianism?
gellaho
I can't tell if this motel is skeevy. Maybe some more clues?
FancyShark
Value as people
Gentleman Brendan
But what's the Y axis on Manyxe and Lisa Loeb?
public jakesy no. 1
I share my birthday with one famous person and between the two of us, we have 7 Super Bowl rings
FancyShark
oh
FancyShark
Dan Marino?
Gentleman Brendan
Sharing guests' info combines EXTRA poorly with motels that charge by the hour.
gellaho
Famously has no rings
FancyShark
I took a shot
public jakesy no. 1
Yeah because I have the other 7
I murdered Tom Brady to get them
Manyxe Cooks to Order
I don't even know what the y axis charts.
gellaho
"I don't want to talk about that guy I constantly skulk around!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Well Blades didnt happen which is unfortunate but at least I can come back for more riffing.
And nap after!
FancyShark
"You hit the word 'Examiner' really hard, lady. Are you okay?"
gellaho
Oh, fuck you
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
SHUT UP AND MAKE OUT!
Manyxe Cooks to Order
No way this place pays enough for him to give a shit about guest safety if he can't afford dentures.
FancyShark
Musicians are just poets with someone trying to play them off stage
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I reflexively yell "Shut up and make out!" when someone says "I'm more of a poet."
That way I don't have to listen to nonconsensual poetry.
gellaho
"It's their favorite anime girls!"
Manyxe Cooks to Order
And if as a manager you hire a guy with no teeth to work the first point of contact for customers, you don't give a fuck either.
FancyShark
"Ignore the pixelated parts"
Gentleman Brendan
That's why you live in seedy motels.
gellaho
Contractually required car bomb
Gentleman Brendan
Rappers are just sky pirates with peg legs.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I just want to put this out there: "Adventure Time with Kong and Jake."
Gentleman Brendan
IIIIIT'S HAAAPPENIIIINNNNG
FancyShark
We're actually going to see it?!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Technically a van bomb, which is more radical.
gellaho
This is a great opportunity for continuity. Tie this back to Joe's exploded girlfriend - wait, no? You're not going to do that, ghostwriter? OK
Gentleman Brendan
Callie's mother, at the funeral, asking God why her daughter didn't learn her lesson and leave FrankJoe after the first three car bombs almost killed her.
public jakesy no. 1
Way more pubes too
FancyShark
OH MY GOD! WE NEARLY HAD SOMETHING HAPPEN! RUN!
gellaho
"This is like our thirtieth car bomb, Frank. We are the pros"
FancyShark
"One of these wires controls the radio. I need my Mariah Carey"
gellaho
Woo, that was close
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Wait it had a backup timer?!
What the fuck?
FancyShark
Bomb countdowns are less dramatic when you can look further down the page and see there hasn't been an explosion
public jakesy no. 1
Circuitry is Fuckin amazing
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I'm beginning to realize I could blow up the Hardy Boys really easily.
Gentleman Brendan
Bomb Squad is on its way. Joe Hardy is extraneous to this Joe Hardy scene.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Just dont put a timer on the bomb.
gellaho
If only there were some kind of appropriate song about the breaking of laws. Oh well
FancyShark
You mean like actual bomb users? That's insane
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe starts humming that one Clash song everyone likes.
gellaho
Classic mistake. Joe Hardy is an immortal
Gentleman Brendan
Let's be honest, Judas Priest is more hard rock than metal.
FancyShark
And Slipknot is more punk mixed with screaming
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This is the first time someone has told the boys they're not the law and it's thrown them for a loop.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
As an Iowan I am contractually obligated to both point out that Slipknot is from here and apologize.
gellaho
Incorrect
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe's gonna go full Dredd on this guy
gellaho
That is someone who has never heard Painkiller
Gentleman Brendan
The problem is as metal evolves what was once metal is now less metal.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Y'all I am so sorry for Slipknot.
gellaho
Again, never heard Painkiller
Gentleman Brendan
Whereas as rock evolves rock becomes less what is rock n' roll
FancyShark
Rolls go bad if left out too long
public jakesy no. 1
As penance you can send us all a Runza
Gentleman Brendan
Oh hell ya, I'll take a runza.
gellaho
Climbed into the flies
gellaho
Also, twenty minutes? Jesus
Gentleman Brendan
I want to start a restaurant called Corner Pocket that only serves regional meat pocket pastries and dumplings.
FancyShark
Every photosensitive person in a mile radius instinctively closes their eyes
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"OH DUDE! Did you catch that Buddy Death show last night? With the swarms of live flies?!"
gellaho
Oh, no! Not confetti!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
YES KILL BUDDY WITH A LITERAL CANNON!
FancyShark
"Hope you like t-shirts, Buddy"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuckin sweet!
Oh god is Blade using glitter for grape shot?
I hope so.
gellaho
Probably because a pitcher's stance is not conducive to throwing wrenches
FancyShark
"You missed."
"Did I?"
"Yes."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You wanna do a big step before you huck a wrench.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
"It does terrible things to video compression algorithms!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
That way you engage your whole body.
The power starts in your ankles.
gellaho
I don't know if darts would be very accurate out of a cannon
Gentleman Brendan
Media front and center, already typing that the best part of the show was the one with no band.
Goddamn, the Phantom's hit rate is SHIT
FancyShark
Now that's how I want to play 301
Gentleman Brendan
He's all intelligence, no dexterity
gellaho
Little darts and stubby pistol. I think this author is trying to tell me something
Gentleman Brendan
Also he's Clare, right?
LyraV
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Trying to make it look like an accident when youve sent death threats is a real power move.
Gentleman Brendan
Blade the Phantom: The Phantom Blade
public jakesy no. 1
Metal Gear Solid;
gellaho
The Grim set is the hardest to get
FancyShark
Frank expected to be shot and did nothing to prevent it
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
HE HAD A GUN THE WHOLE TIME!?
Fuck you, ghostwriter.
Chili Con Cookie Javo
Yeah, Joe is really gonna handle BLADE
gellaho
Lubing up
Chili Con Cookie Javo
maybe his strategy will be just to die as slowly as possible
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He could have popped Buddy and Joe could be eating grinders at a diner by now.
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Fuck yes, it's Batman!
FancyShark
Strategy and Joe Hardy are not on speaking terms
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe can't even spell strategy.
Gentleman Brendan
Blade skidded to his death, crushing Skeezer
Chili Con Cookie Javo
Joe out here literally trying to looney tune an assassin
gellaho
The Hardy's new tool-based offense
Gentleman Brendan
Joe is the tactics, Frank is the strategy.
FancyShark
Still on the stage, waiting for medical aid
Chili Con Cookie Javo
pliers
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Blade, he of the Limp Wrist
public jakesy no. 1
Talk about a 5 tool Slayer
FancyShark
Don't think you can go full Yakuza on Blade, Joe
Chili Con Cookie Javo
Joe pounded on him like a tiger, pinning him to the deck is from the wrong novel
gellaho
Seems like Frank's second near fall is Joe related
Gentleman Brendan
There are more ways the "pliers to gun wrist at a crowded concert" strategy could have gone wrong, but only one way it went right.
Chili Con Cookie Javo
somewhere a romance novel is discussing a pair of pliers
gellaho
The cover lied. That almost never happens with Hardy Boys. I'm disappointed
Gentleman Brendan
Maybe Joe had the Leatherman with the heat-targeting laser accessory.
Chili Con Cookie Javo
see thats why I voted for the lasers
Gentleman Brendan
wait, did Blade even slip??
FancyShark
Next time
gellaho
That's not what lube does
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
There's a serious lack of balaclava clad phantoms kicking Hardy boys off catwalks so far.
Gentleman Brendan
Okay guy wire + grease
FancyShark
"Guy wire" isn't a typo?
gellaho
It was the hippie all along. Of course
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I do like how the Boys have switched to trying to flat out murder this dude.
What with the catwalk lubing.
FancyShark
And they still suck at it
GASP!
NOT JAKE!
gellaho
Case closed
gellaho
FancyShark
Which one was Jake?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Clare Clares brother?! GASP!
FancyShark
GASP!
Also, thank you
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I mean WE knew it was Jake because the author stopped calling him Blade and suddenly called him Jake.
gellaho
The author has a great idea of what metal songs are like
gellaho
"They're like, what, little girl poems? Eh, whatever. I don't give a shit."
Gentleman Brendan
Hair metal band confirms.
LyraV
Jake 'Blade' Kong, Detective for Hire
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"My brother isnt really a bad kind of murderer." is a weak ass defense.
FancyShark
Ooohhhh, okay. So "Buddy Death" is code for "Winger"
Gentleman Brendan
Jake's not really bad, he just murder-twoed a dozen people trying to get at my ex with "To whom it may concern."
SCOOOOOOOPED
gellaho
But Joe recognized the music?
gellaho
This doesn't make a lot of sense, ghostwriter
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It's always such a pleasure scooping Brendan because it means I get to feel extra funny.
Chili Con Cookie Javo
KATTTHLLLLEEEEENNNNN IS SUCH A BITTTTCCCHHHHHHHHH
GOD I HATE MATTTTTHHHHHHH CLAAASSSSSSSSSSSS
[shreds]
gellaho
Seventeen is a classic teen girl poem
Chili Con Cookie Javo
I mean, it is about a teen girl
Gentleman Brendan
My dude-person, you're already the MVP tonight.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Teen girls often put their poetry to music, yes this is true.
gellaho
It is kind of about a teenage girl surprising a grown man with her sexual prowess
Gentleman Brendan
MRSSSSS RICHARRRRD MARRRRRX
FancyShark
I will steal your crown one day, @Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Gentleman Brendan
Come off it, Shark, you walk away with more of these than not.
FancyShark
It's a fun challenge though!
FancyShark
You all inspire me to step up my game
gellaho
Writer admitting this doesn't make much sense
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Or maybe, he just doesnt like his bitch of a sister that much?
I mean.........I HAVE sisters.
I wouldnt necessarily NOT blow one of them up.
LyraV
He was in a classic poetry defense blood haze.
gellaho
And we end with the Hardy Boys being offered roadie jobs, despite fucking everything up
FancyShark
Aaaaand metal tower falls and kills Buddy
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"No thanks, we can get away with more crimes as unlicensed law enforcement."
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Some fuckers will do anything to avoid paying union rates.
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #48: Rock 'N' Revenge
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"We travel alot anyway, one time we killed some French dipshits and framed the KGB."
Gentleman Brendan
Name one time the Hardys actually prevented the assassination attempt.
LyraV
This one was exceptionally awesome @gellaho
gellaho
So concludes the 64th edition of The Book Cage
FancyShark
Hell yes it was
Gentleman Brendan
That was GOOD book cage.
gellaho
Remember to take your Roadie Ape with you on your way hope
public jakesy no. 1
They gave William Henry Harrison a coat once
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It was a good compensation for my Blades in the Dark postponement.
FancyShark
Fantastic riffing from you all
@Karate Physics Flippant Sausage , sorry for being a dick. I meant it to come off as a playful compliment
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
What? No I absolutely took it that way.
LyraV
You're all awesome riff masters as far as I'm concerned.
FancyShark
Fuck yeah. Then I'm not sorry
Gentleman Brendan
Knowing them it probably had fungus that causes pneumonia and then they pushed him out of the wayof donning it.
FancyShark
You too!
Gentleman Brendan
I SOW DISCORD
ON DISCORD, SO
public jakesy no. 1
Now if you'll all excuse me, it's Bourbon OE day at smog city
FancyShark
Also, one more shout out to @LyraV for Phantom Blade
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
They were the ones to suggest that President Garfield should have liquified beef pumped into his ass after being shot.
That should go in Appreciation Day.
LyraV
and in the proper season shall your crop of laughter grow?
Buddy Death would be all over that poem.
Gentleman Brendan
FEELINGS
When it's quiet
When it's dark
In the moonlight
at the park
Death stalks you! Death licks your booooooones!
FancyShark
"Buddy, it's Syd. It's good, but we think it needs tubas. Tubas are very hot right now."
LyraV
thank you so much, I'm starting to think I shouldn't have ever figured out how to edit photos
gellaho
"Could your lyrics involve more ponies?"
LyraV
Also CONGaS!
FancyShark
It beginssssss
Gentleman Brendan
Clare invented heavy metal
It's only Melvin Death called up his cousin with that new sound he'd been looking for.
FancyShark
"Is there any way to get some rainbows into the lyrics or...OO! How about during the bridge, we have a full rainbow on stage like a rainbow bridge, huh? Huh? Buddy? You still there?"
Manyxe Cooks to Order
"Buddy, I keep telling you, more lutes, castanets and please, for the love of God, get me that glockenspiel! Also, the light show needs to be three times as long!"
gellaho
"Sorry, Dio has kind of cornered the rainbow market"
LyraV
Thank you lol the muses spoke of mole rats and blade
That comic is seriously awesome @Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Gentleman Brendan
Yeah, Mo makes all our nightmares come true.
Thank you for that romp, @gellaho
gellaho
De nada
FancyShark
Have a good night, hotdoggers!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Sorry I missed most of this one. See you next week!