Well, it's been a good run but I've been putting this off long enough. It's time for me to finally break my own brain. This week, we will be delving into the insanity that is Robert F. Young's Starfinder. This book is about space whales and time travel or something. The important thing is that there is a whale that communicates through childish ASCII illustrations. Coming up this Friday, 5pm eastern, meet
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@Brockway pin this, or else this fate may befall you:
Which actually might just be the space whale calling someone an alcoholic, but whatever
I assume discord dropping offline for a few minutes was from trying to process this book
You don't recognize the universal ASCII symbol for the triple-breasted hooker in Total Recall?
Coming up in a little over an hour, it's a requiem for my mind with Robert F. Young's Starfinder
I am terrified
Lol oh man we're doing the space whale one
This will be something
In the grim darkness of the far future there is only killing sea mammals for a transitional energy source.
Also probably space Japanese people eat them.
Spacewhale sweaters = adventure!
I'm also pretty sure I had a stroke just reading the teaser and that's not an ideal start
What if whaling, but, get this, in SPACE
But if you die, then you don't need to read the rest.
The stroke is your body protecting you.
Oh shit good point
Well, no time like the present
Floooooowwwwweeerrrrrr
A book eleven years in the making
Robert "Fucking" Young
officially
Obviously
BOOK 'EM, GELLAHANO
Time to get on the spacewhaleboat
There is no version of this man that I will not find contemptible.
"I FOUND ONE! Wait…..wait….never mind, this is a flower"
The sweater that spacewhales wear when they plumb the depths of tolerability.
Spacewhaler isn't already jargon?
EelConCo's star-eel shipyards of Marken's Star**
Those better not signal footnotes
Discord is going to make typing these *'s a problem
I sure hope that's censorship.
Never thought I'd say that.
Lol his name is John Starfinder?
I've always said whales look like metallic moons
🌚
Moby Dick would be so much cooler if the whales were cyborgs
What's that? Why yes I am five years old
I guess this is why his name isn't John Whalefinder.
Napping, but not napping in the sea, but not the sea
Wait, if you think of all space-time as an ocean…..
HELP! I THOUGHT TOO HARD AND NOW I'M DROWNING!!!
Like most neo-Japanese women, she was shrill but absolutely stacked
i'm still tripping over 'Jonahess'
Robert Young "writes" "metaphors" as though they are "explaining" something, but are just "insane"
I appreciate him dumbing it down for...who's this for?
I consider "language" to be like a "spaghetti" for "paperback".
Keeping an absolute clock in space sounds like a goddamn nightmare.
This exercise is called "only write in metaphors and similes"
Maarken's Star*** (Renascence) is exactly where I would have thrown this book across the room.
Gellaho, how intact is this book?
Has it been thrown a lot?
Aahaab stared at the viewing monitor. A gold antimatter coin had been promised to the first man that spied Mobii D*** (Metaphorescence)
I think I am the first to have read it
That tracks
What is a samara?
Spacewhales can only travel into the past through their time machine organ
We've been making incredible progress in our 2nd-gen Japanese Woman designs.
That's right. Whales travel in time but can't think of a way to protect their young besides "push to one side"
These metaphors in no way help explain this process, Rob
"Naishi tittered an inscrutable giggle into her tented fingers. Could her perfect skin have blushed, she would have done so at attention from Starfinder's gaze...the piercing, round-eyed stare of seven generations of European eugenics."
I am already Team Fuck This Book
They found Galactus Whales in space where time has tides, and the only thing they can think to do is murder them.
"Look. That whole star system just died. How about a handy?"
"No"
My great-great-grandpa was a whaler, and I'd rather just not have existed if it meant another couple dozen whales tootling around out there.
I'm here for the bangin' titties but that's about it
Time to rebuff your superior's advances, if that's how you choose to let me know you like playing hard to get.
Honestly, they seem like they are just asteroids that can travel in time. So much so that they confuse asteroids for them
Are we sure whales are traveling in time and it's not that people suck at counting whales?
If they're asteroids, even more so
If you say so -- all I know is this book is written in a dead nerd dialect that deserved to go extinct.
Seems impossible for a organism to be turned into a ship and still live, but sure.
How do you measure that something is 1/10th alive
I would argue that's true for all nerd dialects
Deganglioned lol
The "I was a blind man who listened to classic music after encountering a space whale" trope is so overused
Mmmmmmmm I listened to the classics when I was blind cause I'm so fucking smart
The fuck does this mean, Rob?
And because he wanted revenge on his eyes
I think they're doing the space equivalent of seeing shapes in clouds, but they're looking at star clusters
ADVENTURE!
If they can only go back in time, how are they planning on getting these spacewhaleparts back over 1 million years in the future
Looking at space clouds, ogling a crew member, and cursing my weak eyeballs. Our Adventure Thus Far.
"Let's get this haul of spacewhale parts to Marc Antony and be home in time for spacebeer"
Dirt-born and proud of it
If they're using time travel, shouldn't all this stuff be instantaneous?
Man, you can't even invent a new calendar after all that work to make spacewhales weird. Fuck this book.
I don't need him introducing more shit
hahaha, Japanese. Always trying to make Utopia!
Here comes the musing on Moby Dick.
What do the asterisks mean Rob? Oh, just going on to sandwiches? Cool
That means it's a screenname
Which NG+ run it's on.
You just put 'em in orbit around a sun and let your friends yoink 'em later, wishing you safe travels in your crucial work of uh...killing whaleasteroids
How are they growing wheat
Not a translead ingot?
uh...space?
How dare it die before his eyes
Wait, but you just said it couldn't travel into the future
I guess he must have missed that in his 11 years of revisions
It can't. But it can go so far into the past, it arrives in the future from the other side
or yeah, he forgot
DENIED
Cold as ice
And never mind the sexual harassment a few pages ago
Hahahaha
That's called consent, sweaty
i'm busy rewriting the star spangled banner to be about space whales
"Would you like a Dasani or maybe a snack?"
This is a fun work environment
So in the future, those words mean something different, right?
Author?
Right?
Hahahaha
Obviously if you don't want to fuck the big-titted japanese 2.0 woman it means you're a gay
1001 years BC, that's right around Moses time, no?
You'd think spacewhales would warrant a note in the bible
DAMN these miraculous lifeforms that give us interstellar time travel.
All is forgotten, for it is time for deganglioning
Uh, I believe we already mentioned Jonahs.
God dam whaling union fucking this up
That company regulations line could have been him having a stroke and no one would know
God dam space liberals ruining everything
This seems insanely impractical
Stupid platforming sections
Jump on the invisible box BS
What flanks? It's shaped like an asteroid
Awful lot of hate for something you've only killed once
Now it's getting sexy
He also said he's killed 31
Ghaul has the best...whatever those techs are
It's that consistency that marks a great writer from a good one
We're traveling one way backwards in time with the only people who will ever know us for who we are, but don't be gay.
Kinda seems like you made a bad naming choice, Rob
We would hate to ruin our proud naval tradition of only-heterosexual relations.
"No friggin' in the riggin'!"
Because whales and nautilus are so easy to confuse
Fun fact: if it's a cube, you can just say 10' once.
Man, she really wants to fuck in a small hollowed out corpse in front of a third party
Whoa. Sick burn on Dirt
Transsteel is just translucent ionized Nysteel.
All of this is one continuity.
Seems like a weird brain design, but sure
It was here that we would end all that it was.
Roses aren't blue, Rob. Your analogy is crap.
I'm going to use all the Neo-plastique
this persons interpretation of 'the little prince' is very strange
Starfinder, who lived for the hate that rose within him every day of his job, prepared to kill the thing he could have let exist while he stayed in the bitchin' future and railed a line of White Guys' Idea of Perfect Japanese Women.
"Why'd we bring more than two?"
It was not enough to kill the whale. Starfinder must ensure that it was obliterated.
It's like when a sauce is going to expire soon. You start trying to find as many uses as you can.
Well, to be fair, he is insane
"If only we'd invented a screening process!"
Violets are blue, obviously
The brainfare of the holocube
Good idea, we should read war and peace instead
Yeah. Thanks Rob. We can stop this trash
He's apparently attacked three people due to blue radiation
But back to work
Lol
If his whole body is heavy, we don't care that his limbs are
I see the mental health system in the space future is just as good as it is now
I should search "mind man" when looking up psychiatrists covered by my insurance
Or no back to work
"Much the same, but this was different"
Just get a brain blast from the holocube. It doesn't do anything, but whatever
Is…. Is he the whale now
hahahaha
And lo!
A new door opened.
Rob's just trying to wake himself up.
So Starfinder is Ahab, Naishi is...what, Ishmael?
Occupation: Drive Tissueman
This book starts where Moby Dick ends.
"That's right, ladies. You need Kleenex, I'll get you Kleenex."
That sexy, sexy corpse
I can't believe I made a six-page story where that book was a gender-swapped romance and I was 30 years late.
When did the tense change?
Your story was better
When we started Chapter 1
The Prologue was very long
That was the prologue?!
Well, here we go
The image is "asshole". I've read Vonnegut
This might be a two-parter.
More like the Amateur-logue amirite
heyooo!
Who is Gloria Wish, Rob?
You know. Gloria Wish. The angel.
I mean, I'm assuming she's a prostitute due to the "tired from too much" thing
Honestly, there are times where I'd prefer only having an asterisk for a thought. It'd be less clutter.
Well, now you get poetry
They. Are. Not. Blue.
I can respect a whale doing its best thinking in a workshop
Psychic spacewhale: please stop killing us.,
So, it turns out that Gloria Wish is a lot
So fucking strap in
Wide, but wiry
did Rob just replace "one" with "1"
Gloria sounds like a sidewalk drawing
Because nothing is sexier than paps protruding through peepholes
And a business woman, and a ruler, and virtually immortal due to cryogenic something something
Starfinder's a pap man
Oh, okay. She's a god. That has sex with dockworkers.
This seems like a lot of work
A vampire god
What does evolution have to do with the cryogenic technology?
This is sounding pretty gay, Rob.
I was so against this book before it even hit present tense.
Just from a logistical stand
We interrupt this pie metaphor to bring you a horrific marriage ceremony
That's a common mistake: you see in space, no one is gay or they don't last on piloted whale carcasses.
1-ness
"made 1" fffuuuuuuuu
RIGHT?!
That pie metaphor can fuck right off
A man's rib is being given to a woman. Get it? Get it!!?
Dude, it's like that Bible story. About whales.
Drinking in the future sounds great
Whoa
What I'm getting here is Fetish Statue of Liberty.
"One gin with a shot of roofie, my good barkeep!"
The pie is a metaphor for pussy, right?
Ninja kiss
There's more men than women = shortage of pie
Keep up here people
This is the most realistic sci-fi, in that society has a lot of unnecessary bullshit to protect social mores that make everything worse.
I don't see a connection, jakesy
, maaaan
Move to NYC* we have a beautiful imbalance the other way.
...that was many more asterisks
The prologue disagrees
Discord doesn't tolerate Rob's bullshit
Asterisks are how you make things italicized and bold, so you get a bold asterisk
Clear if you have the exact same brain condition as Rob
Five bombs, and the whale yet lived. Starfinder cursed himself for respecting it.
The spacewhale that is a giant nautilus grew a second brain which is a blue rose. It couldn't be simpler.
Are we meant to hate starfinder?
I hope so
Seriously, like okay he's going to realize he doesn't hate the whales, it's a character arc. But I feel there will remain so many things to hate about him.
Because if not, Rob has failed
Guess what the whale will give Starfinder?
More like starflounder.
Gotem.
BOOM
I'm betting he'll get a whale hug
Probably more asterisks
If you guessed a look at that sexy-ass MILF, the Earth, then good job
awww yeeaaaahhh
I'm guessing this author was on a lot of acid
This may have put me off sex
Pap count: 2
What could "putting the appointments to shame" possibly mean?
She is like a table or rather an endtable I wish to put my books upon
This is like if Brooke did mushrooms and then locked himself in a room with a typewriter
Talking about a nude person and saying "viands" makes it sound like he's admiring varicose veins
my space books
This is true, but this is the book you decided to write. For eleven years
Carthage is still 600 years away, Stardork.
sunk cost fallacy?
I would dump Cindy Crawford if she talked to me like this.
Truly stunning
"OUT OF TONER"
Fascinating
That's what that means?
Well, that makes a little more sense
Drugs were losing their kick at this point
I'm a little confused as to how nobody noticed the big blue rose that emits blue light, but sure
Top this line, I dare you, sons of bitches.
Are you asking me, the reader, Rob?
Do you want us to answer, Rob?
Yeah, I'd need space-viagra too after "a basket of kisses."
Is paps slang for nipples anywhere but this book?
I feel like this nerd just took bad notes in biology.
Because otherwise, Starfinder is asking what he represents which is a crazy thing to do
Starfinder: "What do I represent, in life?"
Whale: "Asshole"
One time a porpoise followed the boat I was working on. I murdered a whale to honor it.
Melville reference comes late, but no less unwelcome than if it had made it to the party ontime.
OK, so the whale already had two ganglions? But you said he grew a new one
Dolphins are famously dickish so that makes sense
Also, the "rose" is made out of transsteel
Because, remember, this is a sentient asteroid not really a whale at all
They couldn't come up with a cleaner term than 2-omicron-vii for a fluid? We have at least a dozen terms for spooge
2-omicron-vii is the radiation the spacewhale uses to travel through time
And heal itself? I guess?
That's just it! How is someone supposed to know what that shit is?
Picture time!
oh no