He was a sailor on the Space-Time Sea, with a purpose and a plan as bold as the Stars.
Archive
gellaho, Town Tamer
Well, it's been a good run but I've been putting this off long enough. It's time for me to finally break my own brain. This week, we will be delving into the insanity that is Robert F. Young's Starfinder. This book is about space whales and time travel or something. The important thing is that there is a whale that communicates through childish ASCII illustrations. Coming up this Friday, 5pm eastern, meet
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gellaho, Town Tamer
gellaho, Town Tamer
@Brockway pin this, or else this fate may befall you:
gellaho, Town Tamer
Which actually might just be the space whale calling someone an alcoholic, but whatever
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I assume discord dropping offline for a few minutes was from trying to process this book
Ozzie
You don't recognize the universal ASCII symbol for the triple-breasted hooker in Total Recall?
gellaho, Town Tamer
gellaho, Town Tamer
Coming up in a little over an hour, it's a requiem for my mind with Robert F. Young's Starfinder
gellaho, Town Tamer
I am terrified
public jakesy no. 1
Lol oh man we're doing the space whale one
This will be something
Derpbat
In the grim darkness of the far future there is only killing sea mammals for a transitional energy source.
Also probably space Japanese people eat them.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Spacewhale sweaters = adventure!
public jakesy no. 1
I'm also pretty sure I had a stroke just reading the teaser and that's not an ideal start
Dolphin cop Thrillho
What if whaling, but, get this, in SPACE
Derpbat
But if you die, then you don't need to read the rest.
The stroke is your body protecting you.
public jakesy no. 1
Oh shit good point
gellaho, Town Tamer
Well, no time like the present
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Floooooowwwwweeerrrrrr
gellaho, Town Tamer
A book eleven years in the making
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Robert "Fucking" Young
officially
public jakesy no. 1
Obviously
Gentleman Brendan
BOOK 'EM, GELLAHANO
gellaho, Town Tamer
Time to get on the spacewhaleboat
Gentleman Brendan
There is no version of this man that I will not find contemptible.
Dolphin cop Thrillho
"I FOUND ONE! Wait…..wait….never mind, this is a flower"
Gentleman Brendan
The sweater that spacewhales wear when they plumb the depths of tolerability.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Spacewhaler isn't already jargon?
gellaho, Town Tamer
EelConCo's star-eel shipyards of Marken's Star**
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Those better not signal footnotes
gellaho, Town Tamer
Discord is going to make typing these *'s a problem
Supernaught
I sure hope that's censorship.
Never thought I'd say that.
public jakesy no. 1
Lol his name is John Starfinder?
gellaho, Town Tamer
I've always said whales look like metallic moons
gellaho, Town Tamer
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
🌚
Moby Dick would be so much cooler if the whales were cyborgs
What's that? Why yes I am five years old
Supernaught
I guess this is why his name isn't John Whalefinder.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Napping, but not napping in the sea, but not the sea
Supernaught
Wait, if you think of all space-time as an ocean…..
HELP! I THOUGHT TOO HARD AND NOW I'M DROWNING!!!
gellaho, Town Tamer
Like most neo-Japanese women, she was shrill but absolutely stacked
LyraV
i'm still tripping over 'Jonahess'
gellaho, Town Tamer
Robert Young "writes" "metaphors" as though they are "explaining" something, but are just "insane"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I appreciate him dumbing it down for...who's this for?
Supernaught
I consider "language" to be like a "spaghetti" for "paperback".
Gentleman Brendan
Keeping an absolute clock in space sounds like a goddamn nightmare.
gellaho, Town Tamer
This exercise is called "only write in metaphors and similes"
gellaho, Town Tamer
Gentleman Brendan
Maarken's Star*** (Renascence) is exactly where I would have thrown this book across the room.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Gellaho, how intact is this book?
Has it been thrown a lot?
Gentleman Brendan
Aahaab stared at the viewing monitor. A gold antimatter coin had been promised to the first man that spied Mobii D*** (Metaphorescence)
gellaho, Town Tamer
I think I am the first to have read it
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That tracks
What is a samara?
gellaho, Town Tamer
Spacewhales can only travel into the past through their time machine organ
Gentleman Brendan
We've been making incredible progress in our 2nd-gen Japanese Woman designs.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That's right. Whales travel in time but can't think of a way to protect their young besides "push to one side"
gellaho, Town Tamer
These metaphors in no way help explain this process, Rob
Gentleman Brendan
"Naishi tittered an inscrutable giggle into her tented fingers. Could her perfect skin have blushed, she would have done so at attention from Starfinder's gaze...the piercing, round-eyed stare of seven generations of European eugenics."
I am already Team Fuck This Book
They found Galactus Whales in space where time has tides, and the only thing they can think to do is murder them.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Look. That whole star system just died. How about a handy?"
"No"
Gentleman Brendan
My great-great-grandpa was a whaler, and I'd rather just not have existed if it meant another couple dozen whales tootling around out there.
public jakesy no. 1
I'm here for the bangin' titties but that's about it
Gentleman Brendan
Time to rebuff your superior's advances, if that's how you choose to let me know you like playing hard to get.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Honestly, they seem like they are just asteroids that can travel in time. So much so that they confuse asteroids for them
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Are we sure whales are traveling in time and it's not that people suck at counting whales?
If they're asteroids, even more so
Gentleman Brendan
If you say so -- all I know is this book is written in a dead nerd dialect that deserved to go extinct.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Seems impossible for a organism to be turned into a ship and still live, but sure.
gellaho, Town Tamer
How do you measure that something is 1/10th alive
gellaho, Town Tamer
I would argue that's true for all nerd dialects
public jakesy no. 1
Deganglioned lol
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The "I was a blind man who listened to classic music after encountering a space whale" trope is so overused
public jakesy no. 1
Mmmmmmmm I listened to the classics when I was blind cause I'm so fucking smart
gellaho, Town Tamer
The fuck does this mean, Rob?
gellaho, Town Tamer
gellaho, Town Tamer
And because he wanted revenge on his eyes
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I think they're doing the space equivalent of seeing shapes in clouds, but they're looking at star clusters
ADVENTURE!
gellaho, Town Tamer
If they can only go back in time, how are they planning on getting these spacewhaleparts back over 1 million years in the future
Supernaught
Looking at space clouds, ogling a crew member, and cursing my weak eyeballs. Our Adventure Thus Far.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Let's get this haul of spacewhale parts to Marc Antony and be home in time for spacebeer"
gellaho, Town Tamer
Dirt-born and proud of it
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
If they're using time travel, shouldn't all this stuff be instantaneous?
Supernaught
Man, you can't even invent a new calendar after all that work to make spacewhales weird. Fuck this book.
gellaho, Town Tamer
I don't need him introducing more shit
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
hahaha, Japanese. Always trying to make Utopia!
Gentleman Brendan
Here comes the musing on Moby Dick.
gellaho, Town Tamer
What do the asterisks mean Rob? Oh, just going on to sandwiches? Cool
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That means it's a screenname
Ozzie
Which NG+ run it's on.
Gentleman Brendan
You just put 'em in orbit around a sun and let your friends yoink 'em later, wishing you safe travels in your crucial work of uh...killing whaleasteroids
Gentleman Brendan
How are they growing wheat
gellaho, Town Tamer
Not a translead ingot?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
uh...space?
How dare it die before his eyes
gellaho, Town Tamer
Wait, but you just said it couldn't travel into the future
gellaho, Town Tamer
I guess he must have missed that in his 11 years of revisions
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
It can't. But it can go so far into the past, it arrives in the future from the other side
or yeah, he forgot
gellaho, Town Tamer
DENIED
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Cold as ice
And never mind the sexual harassment a few pages ago
public jakesy no. 1
Hahahaha
That's called consent, sweaty
LyraV
i'm busy rewriting the star spangled banner to be about space whales
public jakesy no. 1
"Would you like a Dasani or maybe a snack?"
gellaho, Town Tamer
This is a fun work environment
gellaho, Town Tamer
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
So in the future, those words mean something different, right?
Author?
Right?
public jakesy no. 1
Hahahaha
Obviously if you don't want to fuck the big-titted japanese 2.0 woman it means you're a gay
Gentleman Brendan
1001 years BC, that's right around Moses time, no?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
You'd think spacewhales would warrant a note in the bible
Gentleman Brendan
DAMN these miraculous lifeforms that give us interstellar time travel.
gellaho, Town Tamer
All is forgotten, for it is time for deganglioning
Gentleman Brendan
Uh, I believe we already mentioned Jonahs.
public jakesy no. 1
God dam whaling union fucking this up
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That company regulations line could have been him having a stroke and no one would know
public jakesy no. 1
God dam space liberals ruining everything
gellaho, Town Tamer
This seems insanely impractical
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Stupid platforming sections
Jump on the invisible box BS
gellaho, Town Tamer
What flanks? It's shaped like an asteroid
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Awful lot of hate for something you've only killed once
gellaho, Town Tamer
Now it's getting sexy
gellaho, Town Tamer
He also said he's killed 31
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Ghaul has the best...whatever those techs are
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
It's that consistency that marks a great writer from a good one
Gentleman Brendan
We're traveling one way backwards in time with the only people who will ever know us for who we are, but don't be gay.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Kinda seems like you made a bad naming choice, Rob
Gentleman Brendan
We would hate to ruin our proud naval tradition of only-heterosexual relations.
"No friggin' in the riggin'!"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Because whales and nautilus are so easy to confuse
Gentleman Brendan
Fun fact: if it's a cube, you can just say 10' once.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Man, she really wants to fuck in a small hollowed out corpse in front of a third party
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Whoa. Sick burn on Dirt
Gentleman Brendan
Transsteel is just translucent ionized Nysteel.
All of this is one continuity.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Seems like a weird brain design, but sure
Gentleman Brendan
It was here that we would end all that it was.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Roses aren't blue, Rob. Your analogy is crap.
gellaho, Town Tamer
I'm going to use all the Neo-plastique
LyraV
this persons interpretation of 'the little prince' is very strange
Gentleman Brendan
Starfinder, who lived for the hate that rose within him every day of his job, prepared to kill the thing he could have let exist while he stayed in the bitchin' future and railed a line of White Guys' Idea of Perfect Japanese Women.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Why'd we bring more than two?"
Gentleman Brendan
It was not enough to kill the whale. Starfinder must ensure that it was obliterated.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
It's like when a sauce is going to expire soon. You start trying to find as many uses as you can.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Well, to be fair, he is insane
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"If only we'd invented a screening process!"
public jakesy no. 1
Violets are blue, obviously
gellaho, Town Tamer
The brainfare of the holocube
public jakesy no. 1
Good idea, we should read war and peace instead
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Yeah. Thanks Rob. We can stop this trash
gellaho, Town Tamer
He's apparently attacked three people due to blue radiation
But back to work
public jakesy no. 1
Lol
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
If his whole body is heavy, we don't care that his limbs are
public jakesy no. 1
I see the mental health system in the space future is just as good as it is now
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I should search "mind man" when looking up psychiatrists covered by my insurance
gellaho, Town Tamer
Or no back to work
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Much the same, but this was different"
gellaho, Town Tamer
Just get a brain blast from the holocube. It doesn't do anything, but whatever
public jakesy no. 1
Is…. Is he the whale now
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
hahahaha
And lo!
A new door opened.
Rob's just trying to wake himself up.
Gentleman Brendan
So Starfinder is Ahab, Naishi is...what, Ishmael?
gellaho, Town Tamer
Occupation: Drive Tissueman
Gentleman Brendan
This book starts where Moby Dick ends.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"That's right, ladies. You need Kleenex, I'll get you Kleenex."
gellaho, Town Tamer
That sexy, sexy corpse
Gentleman Brendan
I can't believe I made a six-page story where that book was a gender-swapped romance and I was 30 years late.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
When did the tense change?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Your story was better
gellaho, Town Tamer
When we started Chapter 1
The Prologue was very long
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That was the prologue?!
gellaho, Town Tamer
Well, here we go
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The image is "asshole". I've read Vonnegut
Gentleman Brendan
This might be a two-parter.
public jakesy no. 1
More like the Amateur-logue amirite
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
heyooo!
gellaho, Town Tamer
Who is Gloria Wish, Rob?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
You know. Gloria Wish. The angel.
gellaho, Town Tamer
I mean, I'm assuming she's a prostitute due to the "tired from too much" thing
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Honestly, there are times where I'd prefer only having an asterisk for a thought. It'd be less clutter.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Well, now you get poetry
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
They. Are. Not. Blue.
I can respect a whale doing its best thinking in a workshop
Gentleman Brendan
Psychic spacewhale: please stop killing us.,
gellaho, Town Tamer
So, it turns out that Gloria Wish is a lot
gellaho, Town Tamer
So fucking strap in
Wide, but wiry
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
did Rob just replace "one" with "1"
Gloria sounds like a sidewalk drawing
LyraV
Because nothing is sexier than paps protruding through peepholes
gellaho, Town Tamer
And a business woman, and a ruler, and virtually immortal due to cryogenic something something
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Starfinder's a pap man
Oh, okay. She's a god. That has sex with dockworkers.
gellaho, Town Tamer
This seems like a lot of work
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
A vampire god
gellaho, Town Tamer
What does evolution have to do with the cryogenic technology?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
This is sounding pretty gay, Rob.
Gentleman Brendan
I was so against this book before it even hit present tense.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Just from a logistical stand
gellaho, Town Tamer
We interrupt this pie metaphor to bring you a horrific marriage ceremony
Gentleman Brendan
That's a common mistake: you see in space, no one is gay or they don't last on piloted whale carcasses.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
1-ness
Gentleman Brendan
"made 1" fffuuuuuuuu
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
RIGHT?!
That pie metaphor can fuck right off
John
A man's rib is being given to a woman. Get it? Get it!!?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Dude, it's like that Bible story. About whales.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Drinking in the future sounds great
John
Whoa
Gentleman Brendan
What I'm getting here is Fetish Statue of Liberty.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"One gin with a shot of roofie, my good barkeep!"
public jakesy no. 1
The pie is a metaphor for pussy, right?
gellaho, Town Tamer
Ninja kiss
public jakesy no. 1
There's more men than women = shortage of pie
Keep up here people
Gentleman Brendan
This is the most realistic sci-fi, in that society has a lot of unnecessary bullshit to protect social mores that make everything worse.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I don't see a connection, jakesy
gellaho, Town Tamer
, maaaan
Gentleman Brendan
Move to NYC* we have a beautiful imbalance the other way.
...that was many more asterisks
gellaho, Town Tamer
The prologue disagrees
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Discord doesn't tolerate Rob's bullshit
gellaho, Town Tamer
Asterisks are how you make things italicized and bold, so you get a bold asterisk
Clear if you have the exact same brain condition as Rob
Gentleman Brendan
Five bombs, and the whale yet lived. Starfinder cursed himself for respecting it.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The spacewhale that is a giant nautilus grew a second brain which is a blue rose. It couldn't be simpler.
Gentleman Brendan
Are we meant to hate starfinder?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I hope so
Gentleman Brendan
Seriously, like okay he's going to realize he doesn't hate the whales, it's a character arc. But I feel there will remain so many things to hate about him.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Because if not, Rob has failed
gellaho, Town Tamer
Guess what the whale will give Starfinder?
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
More like starflounder.
Gotem.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
BOOM
I'm betting he'll get a whale hug
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Probably more asterisks
gellaho, Town Tamer
If you guessed a look at that sexy-ass MILF, the Earth, then good job
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
awww yeeaaaahhh
public jakesy no. 1
I'm guessing this author was on a lot of acid
gellaho, Town Tamer
This may have put me off sex
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Pap count: 2
gellaho, Town Tamer
What could "putting the appointments to shame" possibly mean?
LyraV
She is like a table or rather an endtable I wish to put my books upon
public jakesy no. 1
This is like if Brooke did mushrooms and then locked himself in a room with a typewriter
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Talking about a nude person and saying "viands" makes it sound like he's admiring varicose veins
LyraV
my space books
gellaho, Town Tamer
This is true, but this is the book you decided to write. For eleven years
Gentleman Brendan
Carthage is still 600 years away, Stardork.
Mo's Over, Synergy
sunk cost fallacy?
Gentleman Brendan
I would dump Cindy Crawford if she talked to me like this.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Truly stunning
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"OUT OF TONER"
Fascinating
gellaho, Town Tamer
That's what that means?
gellaho, Town Tamer
Well, that makes a little more sense
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Drugs were losing their kick at this point
gellaho, Town Tamer
I'm a little confused as to how nobody noticed the big blue rose that emits blue light, but sure
Gentleman Brendan
Top this line, I dare you, sons of bitches.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Are you asking me, the reader, Rob?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Do you want us to answer, Rob?
Gentleman Brendan
Yeah, I'd need space-viagra too after "a basket of kisses."
Is paps slang for nipples anywhere but this book?
I feel like this nerd just took bad notes in biology.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Because otherwise, Starfinder is asking what he represents which is a crazy thing to do
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Starfinder: "What do I represent, in life?"
Whale: "Asshole"
Gentleman Brendan
One time a porpoise followed the boat I was working on. I murdered a whale to honor it.
Gentleman Brendan
Melville reference comes late, but no less unwelcome than if it had made it to the party ontime.
gellaho, Town Tamer
OK, so the whale already had two ganglions? But you said he grew a new one
gellaho, Town Tamer
Dolphins are famously dickish so that makes sense
Also, the "rose" is made out of transsteel
Because, remember, this is a sentient asteroid not really a whale at all
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
They couldn't come up with a cleaner term than 2-omicron-vii for a fluid? We have at least a dozen terms for spooge
gellaho, Town Tamer
2-omicron-vii is the radiation the spacewhale uses to travel through time
And heal itself? I guess?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That's just it! How is someone supposed to know what that shit is?
gellaho, Town Tamer
Picture time!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
oh no
gellaho, Town Tamer
How do you know that
LyraV
Starfinder realizes he sucks at Hangman
public jakesy no. 1
Duh
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Butthole. You. Butthole. You in butthole. Orgasm."
gellaho, Town Tamer
Isn't oneness what they call marriage?
Is he married to the spacewhale now?
Gentleman Brendan
The BA radiation variant is the one you really have to worry about.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I dunno, Starfinder. Reads more like "lightning strike tiny man" to me
gellaho, Town Tamer
Could you please tell me, Rob? I don't have your psychosis, Rob!
public jakesy no. 1
He's going to fuck that whale butthole
Space whale
Space butthole
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Ride log over waterfall"
gellaho, Town Tamer
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
so yeah, space butthole
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Fuck you, Rob
gellaho, Town Tamer
Fun
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
This was all a promotion for the McRib that went horribly wrong
gellaho, Town Tamer
Holy shit
Gentleman Brendan
You don't know about the McRib's status as a gay icon?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Starfinder's actually having sex with a cabinet
public jakesy no. 1
Lol suckin some titty milk and nutting so hard you think you're in jail
Sounds like a Good Friday night
gellaho, Town Tamer
Well, not quite, because he ends up strangling Gloria Wish to death
I guess not to death because of the cryogenic thing
Gentleman Brendan
She is the wind but her breasts are the hills, and then the sky is something? But he eats the hills. And he is the one pricked priapically? And he is blinded again but the wind sweeps him up which is her.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Yeah, she'll get better. It's fine
gellaho, Town Tamer
Then escapes with the whale
public jakesy no. 1
#678: STRANGLE LOVER TO DEATH
To spice it up a bit, try choking out your partner until she dies
❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
Gentleman Brendan
I'm all for poetry and fine with most of that page, but I think it kind of loses the thread around the time he's mad at the perfect woman for spooning after sex.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That timeless line "Now, whale"
gellaho, Town Tamer
Consider the whale.
Gentleman Brendan
This insatiable woman men mistake for an angel is a drag, I'm busting out of here with the thing I hate most in the world.
Supernaught
Oh jesus christ we're only on chapter 2.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Did I go crazy?
Gentleman Brendan
Honestly, I don't hate dude's writing. He uses some quality $10 words.
John
I'm certain a chapter of Moby Dick also started "Consider the whale" you hack.
gellaho, Town Tamer
He can shove his $10 words up his $3 ass
Gentleman Brendan
But all the "Zapardow! Then fell the [algebra equation planet]" and macho bullshit can take a walk.
gellaho, Town Tamer
"Consider Starfinder. Remark his classic pose as he stands staring into time."
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
How long do we have to consider?
gellaho, Town Tamer
"Ramark upon it's rad, lightning bolt shape"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"I drew this during my calculus lecture. It's the Sea of Time."
Supernaught
Consider a fucking second opinion, dude.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Eleven years it took this guy to write
He had to have read through it at least once
gellaho, Town Tamer
Why is Starfinder talking like a Dickensian
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Never has a book's cover so accurately conveyed the story it contains
gellaho, Town Tamer
This was written in 1980
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
((*️⃣ ))
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Metal
Give us more hell wraiths, Rob
gellaho, Town Tamer
They had time to paint a mural?
gellaho, Town Tamer
WARDROBIZER!
gellaho, Town Tamer
Fuck yes, wardrobizer!
10/10 Rob
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Finally, something sane
The clock is set to the timing of the Earth, which they've never seen
gellaho, Town Tamer
You could figure out that other shit, but not what two stick figures mean, Rob?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
hahaha
gellaho, Town Tamer
Or Starfinder. Fuck it, they're the same to me
HAHAHA
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
👏
gellaho, Town Tamer
Instantly goes to murder, sure
Gentleman Brendan
Okay, now I hate his writing.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Three women! Quick, to the wardrobizer!
Supernaught
"slax"
Gentleman Brendan
Nobody is surprised when it's naisha
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
"You know how this Ghaulians are"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The whale is showing him a lesbian video and he's thinking he's under attack
gellaho, Town Tamer
Syntheleather
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
It smites his eyes
gellaho, Town Tamer
I don't know why that middle "e" is in there
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
I mean I was kinda joking when I made a comment about fictional prejudices, but dang
gellaho, Town Tamer
Was synthleather too passe?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
We don't need a history lesson on a uniform!
gellaho, Town Tamer
Was Robert the oldest man on Earth when he wrote this?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That's it. Rob is the time traveler!
gellaho, Town Tamer
Oh, OK, that makes sense
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
ohhh
yeah, still go fuck yourself, Rob
gellaho, Town Tamer
Well, this is officially the weirdest way the redhead has been introduced, but ☑️
Gentleman Brendan
Full dress uniforms to ride a brain-damaged whale into a black hole.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Wow, hot image, Rob. She just finish taking a dump, too?
gellaho, Town Tamer
I have no idea what is going on
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Aren't there only seven women?
Gentleman Brendan
The brazenness of these ghauls
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I don't get why they aren't murdering him
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
What kind of dream is this?
Gentleman Brendan
scuse me ghaul**
LyraV
I'm starting to suspect that Rob may not have the highest opinion of women.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Sounds like the Furies need a bath
Gentleman Brendan
Every single woman in this series is oversexed and/or oversexualized and this dude isn't retiring to enjoy any of them.
gellaho, Town Tamer
There are seven women rulers
Gentleman Brendan
I wrote the above even before reading that they were gonna snoo-snoo him.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Nice of the Furies to let him choose if he wants to die by sex or violence
gellaho, Town Tamer
This is the most female representation I've had in any of these books. Other than Starfinder, there's only been two other men
And one was a surgeon who didn't get a name
One opens the back, ifyouknowwhatimean
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Zuh? I honestly don't know.
Gentleman Brendan
And yet...Gloria Wish has had half the (male) starfleet
You have to admire the full-forward dive of old-school sci-fi
gellaho, Town Tamer
We are combining too many things
Gentleman Brendan
"Yeah, this guy was blinded by radiation but he got better, and after he had sex with all seven women in the universe he rode a bomb-lobotomized spacewhale into hell's back door."
It's called "Star-Jellies of Tacyrinthia."
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Wait, they're actually The Furies?
what...
I
gellaho, Town Tamer
Because he's in the space-time continuum, I guess he can manifest things with his brain
This would have been good information to give before he pseudo-killed that lady
Gentleman Brendan
What does a man manifest when he's oversexed by alien love goddesses? Three women who pursue him relentlessly and speak only in spite.
Now he's being tried by the gods and telling them they're not worthy to judge him.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Women: They Want To Be Sex Objects To Victimize Men
Gentleman Brendan
Oh boohoo
gellaho, Town Tamer
I know Brendan wants to be fucked to death
Gentleman Brendan
You can absolutely kill me at 40 to spare me a life of whale-murder and universal entropy in exchange for snoo-snoo VS angels, and I'm already 41.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Who doesn't?
gellaho, Town Tamer
I hate poetry
John
That is extremely bad poetry, too.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Getting creative writing class flashbacks
gellaho, Town Tamer
If these whales can only communicate through bad poetry and acsii art, I'm fine with them dying
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Oneness = SO BIG!
John
I remember in 6th grade we had a poetry month. Just a bunch of 12 year olds who just discovered jerking off trying to come across as deep.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That sounds like hell
Actual hell
John
It gets better. The teacher had us grade each other's work because she realized she didn't want to have to read our shit.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
hahahaha
John
And I have always regretted grading whoever's I got low.
I graded it on "this sucks," not whether it followed the rules.
Supernaught
Now that is brilliance.
gellaho, Town Tamer
So this is how he convinces the whale to surface so the Furies will go away
gellaho, Town Tamer
I don't get it either
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That's not how court works
John
"Where is my other pom-pom?"
gellaho, Town Tamer
It's the third planet, dipshit
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Loft, Planet of the Stuck Key
John
All the asterisks just make it look like an exasperated editor had to censor a bunch of slurs.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I just got here but I'm getting the impression I'm no closer to understanding this than anyone else.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Sure, why not
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Welcome, GDC. You'll hate this
Dammit, Starfinder, hug the whale
gellaho, Town Tamer
Uh oh, watch out NASA
John
"Where the fuck is Annie Sullivan when I need her?"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That glyph means he tore the page out of the binder too quickly
gellaho, Town Tamer
Wow.
John
Oh fuck you.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
This is the thought process of someone that makes bad point-and-click adventure games
gellaho, Town Tamer
StarHawk
John
A page of his rough draft got mixed in somehow.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Fuck yeah, StarHawk!
John
As bad as this sucks, you just know this guy thought he was a genius and tweaked this story until it only made sense to himself.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
It took him eleven years!
He had time to think about this!
John
According to James Joyce, that means it should take 11 years to read.
Supernaught
By this point I'm tempted to think he finished the book in a couple years, actually did give it to someone to read, and they said, "Yeah, makes sense."
And he considered that a problem.
John
Joyce was pissed that people read Finnegan's Wake in less time than it took him to write.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Well, joke's on Joyce. Most people will never read it
Supernaught
"If a mere troglodyte like you, Hypothetical Proof-Reader, can understand my magnum opus, it is not yet complete. It is not above you, yet."
John
I think we should, but we have a wrong answers only rule for figuring out what's going on.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Their death is pretty hilarious
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Dying and floating away like the grain bits in a finished bowl of Lucky Charms
John
"Posthumously trying to cushion contact" bothers me more than it should.
It's a good visual, but why do the corpses have agency?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Because they are evil women that wanted to sex the innocent man
John
Then talk about how they boobily cushioned their impact against the ship.
gellaho, Town Tamer
He brings one of them through the sphincter tube into the reefer cabinet
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
oh god, it's becoming Gerald's Game
Gentleman Brendan
Hey, you can't say Milton! Only poets can say Milton!
...dammit, markup.
gellaho, Town Tamer
I don't think the fission reproduction is why it doesn't understand falling in love with a dead woman
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
This is what Interstellar kept threatening to turn into
Gentleman Brendan
Why did he go with the whale that he hates?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Whale = friend
John
I'm not a genius like this guy, but how could you reproduce by fission without being your own offspring?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
or something
gellaho, Town Tamer
It's the damnnest thing when you try to stop an accident but end up causing it
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
This isn't creepy at all
John
O
((*-|-)) = Whale
/\
dammit, you can't have leading whitespace on the first line.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Nevermind that pointless diversion, Lincoln time
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
hahaha
"President Lincoln Sick Of Time Travelers" - The Onion
LyraV
speaking of dead members
gellaho, Town Tamer
Starfinder is surprised that he is not pumped about historical executions
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
This makes perfect sense. Remember all the whales at those moments?
Gentleman Brendan
I want the time-travel book where nobody cares about the civil strife in a blip empire, but like...Dave, who accidentally planted the Jade Forest, is the real tourism sight.
John
Aren't you paying attention. History is all a lie.
Gentleman Brendan
And yet Anglo-American history is all anybody in 3114 cares about.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
He crossed time and space to focus solely on America, as God intended in His infinite wisdom
gellaho, Town Tamer
Unlike watching the planting of a tree, yeah
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
lol, dangit, scooped
Supernaught
He keeps going to sites where big speeches and dramatic battles happened and thinks "It's all hype"?!
Gentleman Brendan
Like i'd definitely go check out Hannibal...but that's because I like Hannibal. I feel the Epcot Center would be Caesar.
Supernaught
You're the one going to the basic bitch time periods, my guy.
Gentleman Brendan
And in neither case would I say, "Here it is, whale. The foundation of all Earth's sub-planets' history."
John
It's like any reference in fiction set in the far future. 2 things from 20th century America and a third wacky thing from 2450.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
We're also ignoring that apparently Greek mythology is historical fact
Like, he just proved the Greek gods are real
Those were the actual Furies
Gentleman Brendan
The Orville Problem
gellaho, Town Tamer
I mean, not exactly real. They were products of his mind
John
You misspelled "Seth McFarlane can't act."
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
oh dang, right
Gentleman Brendan
My favorite thing about Star Trek is somebody thought Kirk should have a threesome to show what a badass he is, and he impresses green women with The Black Keys.
gellaho, Town Tamer
I'm skipping over the part about Jesus not being real, because whatever. He's just grinding axes at this point
Gentleman Brendan
Like The Black Keys are unequivocally fuck music, but imagine if I shot you a sly grin, and then put on some Salieri.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Starfinder drunkenly thinks about the end of time
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Wooo! Surf the whale!
John
Jesus: Fake
Quotes he apparently holds dear: Fake
Medusa: Real and thirsty as fuck
Learning there's a hang ten emote makes me happier than you realize.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The ascii pictures are growing on me just because it feels like this idiot is riding a star god that wants to show him doodles
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Ooooooooo???
I didn't know space whales spoke ghost
gellaho, Town Tamer
At the end of time, we enter the cosmic freak out portion of the book
Gentleman Brendan
DEVS
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
My god, it's full of bullshit
gellaho, Town Tamer
Fuck man, I don't know
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I liked this scene better in 2001.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Is this a math textbook?
I feel like we're reading the longest word problem
John
This dumbass keeps asking complicated questions who only answers in Etch-a-Sketch drawings.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Well, that was pointless. Bye!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It's an engineering textbook. Calculate the moment of force on the space surfer attached to the roof of the house.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Time-surf's up, whale amigo!
Mo's Over, Synergy
I'm just checking in occasionally as usual, are they talking to a ZX Spectrum?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Space whale
It communicates in ascii pictures
gellaho, Town Tamer
Now, star eel attack!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The space whale says 8==D
John
Obviously.
I mean, if you didn't get that, and I definitely did, you're just a dummy.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Or you could look and see the eels rather than spend an hour decoding this
gellaho, Town Tamer
This sounds about as much like an eel as the Spacewhale sounds like a whale
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Shake it off!" our hero commands the titanic space monster being attacked by parasites
gellaho, Town Tamer
You suck, Spacewhale
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
ooooooo...
gellaho, Town Tamer
Gasp
John
That's just good writing.
How is it alive? Ignore the other identical thing that is also alive.
gellaho, Town Tamer
I'm guessing this will end well
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Gross
"Please don't mind the corpse. She's the woman I love."
John
goddammit
Gentleman Brendan
It's so weird to get a whole book of erudite star-shaman musing, and then "The whale has been attacked by a star eel!"
gellaho, Town Tamer
Impressive that the thirteen year old can steal and pilot this space eel
John
Just seeing "beginning of breasts" makes me certain I have to go register somewhere.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Pasha. Because Ishmael Pasha. Because Ishmael. Because fuck you
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
You could have just as easily not mentioned the child's breasts.
gellaho, Town Tamer
This kid sounds annoying
Gentleman Brendan
How else to tell readers she is not a girl, not yet a woman? She has not known the tender throttling of her 1?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Kid, let me rephrase the question: Do you have food?"
John
You must not have seen as many of these books as I thought. They all are uncomfortably horny for minors.
gellaho, Town Tamer
"Starfinder," Starfinder says.
Gentleman Brendan
Did America genocide the rest of the planet before taking to space or something?
gellaho, Town Tamer
I don't think I really need a complete history of this universe
LyraV
The Fates have it in for him? The ones he killed in space?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Furies. Fates are a different set of women that will likely die horny for him
Gentleman Brendan
Women are like big-breasted space lovers: they come in threes and are busty women.
LyraV
If it's a woman is space, Starfinder can kill them
gellaho, Town Tamer
The space eel engages tentacle protocols
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
A teenage girl with a tentacle monster is not what I'd expect from Rob
Though I'm at a loss to explain why
John
He's absolutely had passionate debates with people about "censorship" in hentai.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
And he died in 1986, when that shit took work
Pixellation had to be drawn by hand
John
He hung out at the saddest stall at the filthiest flea market in Michigan.
gellaho, Town Tamer
The whale gets tired of this space eel's shit
Dolphin cop Thrillho
Keep away from my stall!
gellaho, Town Tamer
Technically the tentacles are cables that are used to control the space eel. That doesn't really explain why the space eel can move them around, but whatever
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Nice job, Starfinder. Your pet killed the girl's pet.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Nah, that was all the whale
I mean, it was dying and the eel was leeching off it
Almost like it should have been called a space leech
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Or space remora
gellaho, Town Tamer
The Spacewhale attempts the lamest apology possible
John
This asshole uses "haecceity" but doesn't know the difference between eel and leech.
I reiterate. Fuck you, dude.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
It means the whale's going to cut his dick off and make him a woman.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Aw, isn't that cute
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
dawww
gellaho, Town Tamer
I should attempt to explain who John Barleycorn is
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
wait, "Therapy only the whale can provide..."?
Supernaught
"Cold sober"?! You drank two gins with roofies earlier, Starman!
gellaho, Town Tamer
So he's had weird visions that have been causing his madness and psychosis. He originally called them the Monk, but when he started drinking he started calling it John Barleycorn
John
He'll draw her so many pictures.
gellaho, Town Tamer
I think?
John
Her fridge will be full of them.
gellaho, Town Tamer
So, I guess him taking deciding care of a child is his penance for being a dickhead
maybe
I don't know
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That or "John Barleycorn" is what he calls it when the whale shits
John
I liked John Redcorn better, anyway.
gellaho, Town Tamer
But what I do know, is I'm about 112 pages into this 205 page book. So this seems like a good place to stop for now
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Right on
John
That felt like so many more than 112 pages, and I was barely here for the first half.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It's okay, you don't have to bleep out Starfucker
John
But thanks as always, @gellaho, Town Tamer
Gentleman Brendan
wow
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Yes, thank you, @gellaho, Town Tamer !
John
Good work everyone!
Gentleman Brendan
This was a goddamn streetfight.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Great riffing, everybody!
Supernaught
I regret this man and all he does, but I'm glad we got through this together.
Gentleman Brendan
Great party, ROUGHSHOD book
LyraV
thank you so much, I might need therapy but I know a good Whale
Gentleman Brendan
Thanks, Gellaho.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I'll try to catch the whole thing next time.
John
I think this book had great potential, it's just interminable as written.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
This book is a fever dream being described to a dementia patient
John
Time traveling Spacewhaleship fucking rules, so it's doubly upsetting that this sucks so much.
gellaho, Town Tamer
So that concludes this edition of The Book Cage
Gentleman Brendan
The door is closed, but not locked.
see you all in a week!
but also tomorrow
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Yeah, see you all tomorrow!
gellaho, Town Tamer
What I will do is look through the rest of this and see if it's worth continuing. If not, I will post some of these ASCII pictures because they are delightful
Supernaught
I look forward to last tomorryesteryear when we do this again.
gellaho, Town Tamer
Because if it just turns into him having boring time travel adventures with this kid, I don't care
gellaho, Town Tamer
You can tell it was written serially over a decade. Not just because of the weird tense shift, but every chapter had a different tone
It's such a weird book
Dolphin cop Thrillho
So were the space whalers after cosmic ambergris for their alien perfumes?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Kinda? I think they wanted the time travel radiation in their bellies.
So yes
Dolphin cop Thrillho
Or zero G baleen for sexy alien corsets?
Town Tamer Haraka
Did the whale eat their leg and symbolically emasculate them?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Nope. But it did travel to several points in America's past, then killed a space remora that was being kept by a pre-teen as a pet
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Of course it goes without saying that the way the author described the preteen made us very uncomfortable.
gellaho, Town Tamer
I have finished Robert F. Young's Starfinder. By Chapter 6, Robert was writing in 1980 had stopped writing like a complete asshole. The last hundred pages are a time travel paradox thing that I do not want to read again. So, to summarize:
1) He time travels with the little girl (Ciely) for a bit, then returns her to her parents.
2) But, uh oh, her parents are asshole drunks so he takes her with him.
3) But, uh oh, turns out the spacewhaleship is dying, so Starfinder has to drop off Ciely on Earth in 1996 while he tries to fix the spacewhaleship's ganglion.
4) But, uh oh, he can't. Star Girl (the dead girl he loves, but who's death he ironically caused), comes alive in The Abyss and resurrects the spacewhaleship. If you forgot the abyss, it's a dimension where weird shit happens for no reason. Then, they return to Earth to get Ciely and Star Girl is back in her cryogenic pod.
5) But, uh oh, it's accidentally been 8 years. Ciely is now 21. Oopsie, turns out she's Star Girl! But she's a painter and goes by Michelle now.
6) She wants to return to the spacewhaleship with Starfinder. But when Starfinder finds out she's living in sin with two men, his sexually repressed split personality "The Monk" surfaces and he yells at her. This causes her to leave with the two men on the space picnic that will end up killing her.
7) For some reason Starfinder cannot go back in time to prevent any of this.
8) Starfinder goes back to Farstar***** to bring Star Girl/Ciely./Michelle back from cryogenic stasis. However, he is captured and sentenced to death. The lady he killed, Gloria Wish, will bring her back to life in exchange for the location of the spacewhaleship. They do revive her, but then Star Girl/Ciely./Michelle rescues Starfinder with the spacewhaleship and then the book ends.
My rating for the finale of Starfinder is 2/5, boring
Most of the insanity is contained in the last two pages. Which is an extended construction metaphor that means... something
gellaho, Town Tamer
gellaho, Town Tamer
And this rogue "a"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
holy hell
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
((*️⃣))
I appreciate your sacrifice in full
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Too bad that it got dull, but thanks for falling on that grenade for us, @gellaho, Town Tamer !
gellaho, Town Tamer
The spacewhaleship becomes somewhat irrelevant
By the end of the story all three of the characters had been resurrected, which I'm sure Rob thought was interesting. Starfinder was "executed" by Ciely/Michelle, but she had given him the antidote via the ninja kiss 150 pages earlier
And I can't forget Frasier and the "buffalo"
public jakesy no. 1
Where do they find the tossed salads and scrambled eggs?
