64: Psi-Man: Haven David Peters

gellaho

That is, if we survive...

https://youtu.be/TuQGLSzvCW0

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

YEEEEESSSSSSSSS

We have so many new regular riffers that haven't seen Psi-Man

This is going to rule

Also, your announcement video technique is stellar

Mo's Over, Synergy

oh I was gonna guess

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Mo, have you been here for any of the Psi-Man books?

Mo's Over, Synergy

not paying attention, no, I usually zone out pretty fast into the readalongs

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

They're amazing. They're not Hawke-level, but they're such a hotdog mashup of rad, stupid, wrong, and Peter David working through some shit

Aw man, and it's the final book

Thank you so much again @gellaho ! I am seriously pumped for this

gellaho

It's easily movable due to the increased vaguery of the timeline

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Still appreciated!

gellaho

I also have all next week off before my new job starts, so who knows what level of hangover I might be at by Friday

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Gonna be baking Traxx cookies by Tuesday

Chloes massive punchcock pronoun

Gonna pronounce this with a long i, psee-man

Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe

It's actually that he's really big on pressure. Pounds per Square Inch Man

gellaho

The Book Cage - Episode 63: Psi-Man: Haven

Despite the best efforts of one Peter David, the plan is to continue with the conclusion of Psi-Man. The Photon author's heinous plan to use inside sources to infect me with a cold on The Hulk at Universal Studios Florida will not be successful. We will learn about the psychic refugee camp, the activities of the unpronounceable Reuel Beutel, and the fate of the Simon's Nazi dog. Join Psychic Quaker Chuck Simon, as he desperately tries to avoid adventure, this Friday at 5pm eastern.

gellaho

gellaho

One hour until Psi-Man: Haven. Here is the preview

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

JENSEEEEEENNNNNNNN!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"GET ME PICTURES OF THAT MENACE PSI-MAN!"

gellaho

For the uninitiated, Psi-Man is Chuck Simon (get it?), a telekinetic and aikido master. He is also a Quaker pacifist. He has a gigantic psychic dog named Rommel.

These books take place between 2020 and 2022, in an alternative ecological dystopia where the Bill of Rights has been abolished and everyone is given identification cards that also work like credit cards. This setting is largely ignored in favor of terrible jokes and Peter David settling old grudges.

There was also an antichrist, psychic ecoterrorists, and a Walt Disney who made fart cartoons about the president.

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Also, Chuck has sex with a woman way out of his league in almost every book

In one book, the lady was a robot

She did not know that though, and wanted to die when she found out

That was at Not-Disneyworld

gellaho

Important to note that Rommel was psychically linked with Chuck during the intercourse

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

While Rommel, in turn, was having sex with a lady dog

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Well being psychic is the only way you can make aikido work.

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Chuck goes out of his way to not use his powers every book because Peter David made him too powerful

Or he gets sidetracked

Book 2, he was lost in the woods while the plot happened elsewhere

Book 4, he didn't want to hurt the villain because they were a kid. Also the Antichrist, like gellaho said

gellaho

Time to begin the ending

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Final Round! FIGHT!

LyraV

Baggy jumpsuit w/pockets is bold choice for your cover.

gellaho

Events shown in real-time

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

duuuuuude

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Especially when fighting Robo-Mop.

Captain Ventris (he/him)

Warning: The Book You are About to Read is Canon

Dolphin cop Thrillho

On the next exciting episode of John Shock, Robot Chiropractor!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"In a world........where Donald Trump isn't president!"

"And never was!"

gellaho

This last sentence is very confusing given how many times police have in fact appeared

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"One man must do psychic battle with mop robots"

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

It's nice that New York learned to sleep at some point

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"People these days are so cold and impersonal they don't call the cops on high speed chases involving probable high end assassins in sleek black cars!"

gellaho

If I remember correctly, Alex romanova was a secret Russian spy that was given faux-Walt Disney's RAC 3000 by Chuck Simon

And in the months since has developed a "comedic" personality

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

MCU dialogue even before the MCU

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

I'm hearing this robot voice as like a girl version of 3PO

gellaho

Projectilelike comedy from David

Captain Ventris (he/him)

Just desperately effete

LyraV

what the fuck is a 'projectilelike fall' my brain can't seem to put that together

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Falls like a bullet

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

like, a ballistic trajectory?

gellaho

A very long way of saying something metal hit the car

public jakesy no. 1

Also that bullets aren't metal?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

That's how you know you've been 'pooned and you have a RadiKS courier latched on your car.

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Pete must be trying to pad some really thin material

public jakesy no. 1

Man nobody does comedy worse than Peter David

gellaho

It's important to point out that Alex is not psychic, so I'm not sure how she determined this

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Woman Character's Intuition

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"OH NO! NEW BEST FRIEND! Who will I do Russian Spy shit with now and have the American style hijinks with?!"

gellaho

He's giving us references, what else qualifies as comedy?

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Only going for the timeless jokes. That's our Peter David

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

If your car starts singing show tunes, the assassins chasing you might have gotten your car drunk somehow.

gellaho

It's also important to remember that in the timeline of this book, Chuck Simon took a luxury future train from San Francisco to New York months ago. Quite a change here

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

The Sharks and the Jets aren't fucking around anymore

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

I love how people can't imagine a New York future that isnt a desperate dystopian hellscape.

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

In the 80's, I think that was considered quaint

gellaho

In 1992 writing that the Soviet Union is in it for the long term

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Still, this is a world where the Happiest Place on Earth has a red light district

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Look, I know they broke up last year, but I can't possibly have guessed that the Soviet Union wouldn't be around later. They were doing so well in '90!"

gellaho

If only the Russians knew that the child antichrist was surviving in a cocoon in San Francisco Bay

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

"He wasn't happy you let Chuck Simon puss out and shoot him"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Also not thrilled about all the dumb jokes you've been making lately. You aren't even Russian funny."

gellaho

Secret Bum to the rescue

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

I hope it's Chuck and this is day two after he left the train

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Alex desperately trying to remember if she fucked a weird American bum.

Or its just a psychic superman.

gellaho

Peter David refuses to reach for the thesaurus, it's bum all the way

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Meanwhile, Simon Hawke is writing terms for homeless that don't even exist

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Peter David supplies the word, I bring hearing it with an increasingly savage sneer.

And now I think Peter David hates the homeless with a passionate fury.

gellaho

He's also decided to describe everything in the oddest ways possible, such as "semifetal"

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Commit to something, Peter David!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Semi-fetal" in that he's now covered in bloody goo and moaning.

gellaho

As swift as liquid glass

LyraV

'looking like a crucified ballet dancer' as though thats a common thing to see

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

HACK! FRAUD! Liquid glass is pretty viscous, a real writer would know that!

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Peter David's been suffering from schizophrenia for decades and no one noticed because he wrote pulp novels

gellaho

AIKIDO

gellaho

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Aikido also can't stop diabetes

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Aikidooooooo...........wave!"

How long before Steven Seagal grows a really long thumb and pinky nail, do you think?

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

He'd eat them, thinking they were Bugels

gellaho

You know how you can purposefully shoot someone in the head to incapacitate them

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Ah yes. Just glanced a groove into the brain

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Fuck you, you can't conceal that many guns with a denim jacket.

Also it bulging makes it pointless to wear.

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

What if it's a denim trench coat?

gellaho

Amnesia, sure, really covering new ground Peter David

public jakesy no. 1

Feels like the Psi Man should have seen that coming

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Then you're in the Jeans Matrix and only Denimeo can save you.

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

And so Peter David officially gives up on having Chuck use terrible aliases and just has his cover be "I dunno"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Man I want this to be a random psychic aikido master bum scamming this international spy for breakfast.

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Entire hobo network knows exactly how to talk a spy into a Moon Over My Hammy

gellaho

"in the sort of open manner of a child," did Peter David take bad writing classes before sitting down for this one?

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

His confidence has taken a bruising

gellaho

Ideally, he's actually in hell

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"the more accepted position for locomotion" fuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Rommel is five feet away, eating a raccoon

gellaho

Peter David continues to be even more vague on the time

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"This telekinetic bum seems like he might be psychic the way he talks to his Nazi dog."

Top Tier Spy work.

gellaho

Started out with absolute dates and now, "eh, earlier"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Read it in a Superfriends narrator voice to increase joy.

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Our narrator's sleeping off a bad drunk

gellaho

Ahuh, sure

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Oh okay. This is Disco Elysium

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Yeah I remember the first time I did mushrooms too.

gellaho

Ah, it's Reuel Beutel

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

He's not dead?!

LyraV

Guts!

gellaho

Beutel is an assassin for The Complex who was shot off on a rocket at Disneyland

An actual outerspace rocket

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

His metal hand melted and fused him to the rocket

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

This sounds like he's hallucinating the music video for Major Tom but he only half saw it.

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Beutel is a cartoonishly evil bad guy, but he's at least entertaining compared to Chuck

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Do you think you pronounce Reutel Beutel like you pronounce Reuters?

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Rootle Bootle

gellaho

Looking good, Reuel

gellaho

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Bald on top, ponytail back, is classic 90s pervert hair.

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Now he seduces a nurse, who is also a lower officer

LyraV

I too find mental profanity to be reassuring.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Annnnnd now that person is Reggie Bannister from the Phantasm movies in my mind.

Doctor Reggie.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

I had to drive, how much have I missed?

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Our hero is a homeless amnesiac

And a bad guy that died in book three isn't dead

gellaho

Peter David wistfully thinks, "Yeah, I nailed it, didn't I?"

gellaho

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

See now I'm starting to see where you fucked up, Rootle Bootle.

You've barely begun this flashback and I have notes.

gellaho

This continues the Psi-Man tradition of psychics being absolutely terrible at flying

gellaho

gellaho

Even if they can control the wind

Which Reueul can, that's his thing

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Can he also sing with all the voices of the mountains?

LyraV

Sparing the author the agonizing task of writing what happened

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Like those meteoroids that you get when you sit too long. Wait, what?

gellaho

Ah, so Reuel's the cyborg on the cover. Sorry if that was supposed to be a surprise, Peter

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

lol

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"ILL GET YOU MY PRETTY! AND YOUR NAZI DOG TOO!"

And like the Wicked Witch, Rootle Bootle is also VERY vulnerable to water.

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

"Now we can only save one organic part besides your face. Your options are hair, genitals, or armpit."

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Which is unfortunate for a mop robot.

gellaho

Googie really wants some Chef Boyardee

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Unfortunately, it's a paint store

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Does........Peter David think funeral parlors smell of rotting meat?!

Like they chuck Granddad in a box and leave him there and nothing else?!

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

In the future, human dignity is a myth

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also what kind of lame gang of unhoused peeps are you running if you call yourselves "The Forsaken", its so doomy.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

"in the future" lol

gellaho

I guess this was the result of the Great Pez Destruction of 1995

gellaho

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

I think I used to be in a world of warcraft guild with the same name.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

If this was good, this gang would just be Pez enthusiasts.

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

"Also because they'd pull out someone's spine, line it with Smarties, then jam it back in the body"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Do drugs are unauthorized but there are no police.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

They'd be like the Baseball Furies but for Pez.

gellaho

Brainpan, Googie, and Zorro

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

I'm choosing to believe they're three intelligent rats

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

If I ever get a new pet rat I'll name her Googie.

gellaho

She smelled terrible, but still hot

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also it would be rad if Zorro was literally wearing a mask and rapier and was all just being Zorro in this dystopian hellscape

Gentleman Brendan

CATCH ME UP, SHARK.

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Beutel's alive!

Chuck's homeless!

That is all

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Nothing is hotter than a lady stank goblin in scavenged Daisy Dukes."

LyraV

gellaho

Formidable opponents

Gentleman Brendan

Who's Beutel?

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

The dude with the metal hand that rode a rocket into the sky in Not Disneyworld

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Man props to that hero who just mutters "Bitchin'." as he dies.

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

The evil psychic guy

Gentleman Brendan

The evil Steele?

gellaho

Magistrate doesn't really fit in with Googie and Brainpan, but sure

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

That's the one!

Now we're following three teenagers or rats called The Forsaken as they scavenge for food

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

The Forsaken are rivals with The Pissdwellers who are ruled by Lord Fontlebottom.

gellaho

Guess who Zorro is

gellaho

I guess the name might have given it away

public jakesy no. 1

Google is the little titty chick who smells and has a dart gun, checks out

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

hahaha

Rommel finally got a better name

Gentleman Brendan

he's in New York? How'd he get there from post apocalyptic LA?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Nanananananananananananananan-NAZI DOG!

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

He took a train in book 5

Gentleman Brendan

I have missed a lot of Psy-events

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Nazi dogs are a lady stank goblins best friend.

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

I think you were there for the train. Granted, it was a long time ago

That was when the redheaded model greeted Chuck by showing her ass

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also fair dues to "Biggest son of a bitch on this block" when speaking of a big ass dog, thats good enough for entry level wordplay.

gellaho

Where Chuck Simon went with the SS, this individual went with Zorro

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

More proof that Chuck sucks

gellaho

Zorro, a common reference in this future but Pez are ancient, and The Beatles have been forgotten

Peter David's understanding of time is strange

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

So is his understanding of what descriptions are relatable

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also German Shepherds are terrible pack animals.

gellaho

Rommel is finally able to commit his murders

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

You want a St Bernard or at least a pitbull for that.

LyraV

I'm sorry but I keep hearing this song in my head now https://youtu.be/lQnle_3KuOE

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Zorro is super disappointed the crunchy candy in their necks isnt fruit flavored.

Watermelon Pez is pretty good.

gellaho

So unrealistic for this horse-sized dog with psychic powers

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

I want to like Rommel, because doggie. But once you hear his thoughts, you'll see why he's terrible

Also the murder, I guess

Gentleman Brendan

Batman is Forever, and there is no Batman without Zorro.

gellaho

And we are all familiar with The Scarlet Pimpernel for the same reasons, right

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

I genuinely hope Batman outlives our civilization and future historians think he was maybe real.

Gentleman Brendan

So Zorro is Evil(er) Rommel?

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Nope. Rommel and Chuck got separated

gellaho

What a tender moment

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Zorro is just Rommel after he got named by a new owner

Gentleman Brendan

Ah

gellaho

He doesn't have a psychic wuss telling him to stop every thirty seconds

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Of course I expect you to clean up, ze place of ze German woman is in ze home!"

Gentleman Brendan

HAUSFRAU!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Nazi dog sucks.

gellaho

Pittsburgh has had it really rough in these books

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

ALL of Pittsburgh?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Okay but have you ever considered that maybe Pittsburgh had it coming?

And maybe the president was just a bonus?

gellaho

You know, how Vice Presidents do

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Pittsburgh should have ducked.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also we can just get a new president, its not like they are very important.

Gentleman Brendan

It's weird how everything we know about the President in this world suggests he is, in fact, Trump.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Mike Pence being in Pittsburgh is an excellent reason for it to have blown up.

Gentleman Brendan

"Mike, you need to put on this disguise."

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

If someone managed to blow up an entire city without a nuke or an air force, I think that deserves some praise

gellaho

Peter David, you are exhausting

Gentleman Brendan

"Mr. President, thank you for all the gifts you have given us, but I am six inches taller than you and 150 lbs lighte--"

"NO NO ALL LIES EXACT MATCH"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Peter david must be getting paid by the word

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Always carefully arranged, unlike our elections in real life that are super fair and balanced."

Gentleman Brendan

Feels like a guy with this school is most squandered as a Veep

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Let's not forget that the president in this series ordered Not Walt Disney to be killed over a cartoon

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Hey we all remember the time Lon Chaney stole the presidency, so its not far fetched.

gellaho

I'm not sure Peter David has a full grasp on the actual effects of this

public jakesy no. 1

Literally nobody in this fake future calls elections "bouquets"

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Until that reporter ripped his mask off while he was playing the organ

Gentleman Brendan

One guy's doing it and he convinced our fake narrator it's really catching on.

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Okay, that's a Dr. Doom way to assassinate. I approve but also agree that Peter David is not paying attention

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Pete, do you think volcanoes are just holes in the ground?" "Yeah......you mean they aren't? Oh well I already sent the manuscript and it has the Soviet Union in it in 2022, so fuck it."

gellaho

I think they still have money, David

Gentleman Brendan

Give it a month and he'll be right about that too

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Fuck. Peter David invented bitcoin

public jakesy no. 1

Also how big was the crater from the meteor that killed all life on earth?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

We can add fiat currency to the things Peter David doesn't understand.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

I think those are just bank accounts

gellaho

A full paragraph parenthetical devoted to Escape From New York

gellaho

I don't know why the president would think that's a good idea, given that the plot of that movie involves the president

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

Taking away garbage collection is called a garbage strike, Peter. It's not sci-fi, Peter.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

I love when a book stops to reference a film

But I really love an entire paragraph in parentheses.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"YOURE THE DUKE OF NEW YORK! A -number-1"

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

I hope he stops to recap The Warriors soon

gellaho

Peter David describes a lot of the country as an ecological disaster, so I'm not sure how New York is that much different

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

"Chuck paused to remember Predator, which was an awesome movie."

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

That guy puts Pez dispensers on his fingers and starts yelling "Come out to playyyyaayyyyyy!"

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

psychic warrrrriooooooors,

gellaho

Pittsburgh exploded, it's a miracle anything is happening in New York

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Oh you never get that smell out of fine futurecar interiors.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

yeah air freshener technology just couldn't keep up

Gentleman Brendan

Chuck, you reek of TK sweat.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Your dime store KITT is going to smell like unwashed psyker ass forever.

gellaho

I know you are missing the comedy, here's some

FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer

It's like Star Trek, but I feel angry

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

oh man a computer taking a colloquialism literally? Talk about pioneers!

Gentleman Brendan

Why can't AI ever talk normally?