Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
it will probably require both dance and violence
64: Psi-Man: Haven David Peters
#6 Psi-Man
Tags:
The shocking conclusion of the electrifying series! The ultimate mind-force warrior faces his final battle...
Archive
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
You can feel Peter David wanting to bring in Boris and Natasha, but something is stopping him
Gentleman Brendan
Probably got bullied by a kid named Boris in jr high.
gellaho
Meanwhile, Chuck figures out how to use his powers
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He doesnt know that much Russian and is too lazy to write in the accents.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Again
gellaho
This is impressive, because it took him weeks to control his powers when he knew who he was
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
And he had to relearn them when he was blinded
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Personalities get in the way when you are OPENING THE DOORS OF PERCEPTION!
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
without all that knowledge gumming up his brain he has more horsepower to devote to psionics
gellaho
What'd I tell you about the lips, Peter. Stay off Simon Hawke's dick
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
LIIIIIPS
"Hey, we're still okay if you two want to fuck again."
Gentleman Brendan
Chuck's been faking amnesia to get laid again.
gellaho
Let the freakshow begin
Gentleman Brendan
This is the third such incursion!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
AKA The Quaker Proposal
gellaho
Well known psychic power: acid spit
Gentleman Brendan
More like the Faker
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Maybe his psychic power is being horny?
Gentleman Brendan
Wait he's fighting actual Toad from X-Men??
You can't give him acid venom
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
It's brain acid. That kid just lost knowledge of how doors work
gellaho
What a foe
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
If he spits again, he'll lose memories of how to wear shoes
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He's already a toad and doesnt wear shoes so its a win win
Gentleman Brendan
Can't chuck just gator-clutch Toad's jaws shut with TK or aikido or caterwauling?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I feel like I've seen this fight before, but better
Oh right, Kung Fu Hustle
gellaho
Just a real powerful group
gellaho
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Chuck isnt cool enough to master The Buddha's Palm kungfu.
LyraV
Everyone was so impressed it hurt
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Chuck could sense this girl had a great ass and Rommel had defended it"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Man this seems like it would be about higher stakes than a stolenish dog.
gellaho
I mean, that's just how Rommel looks
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Welcome to Psy-Man
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I told him, that dog is a pure bred poon hound, he aint loyal.
gellaho
Double check the redhead box for Oracle
Gentleman Brendan
John Wick really owes this book royalties.
He seriously unloaded all the X-Men they wouldn't let him contribute.
gellaho
Hilarious
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
hahahaha, sexual extortion!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Hohoh, its cute because undermining my authority is the real problem for me.
gellaho
Chuck's Rommel strategy is a light mauling
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Cue Sarah McLachlan
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Chuck was getting just a little hard for some reason."
gellaho
Why say hindquarters if you are following up with asshole
Gentleman Brendan
To be fair, she agreed to his terms.
I mean it's not like you owe anybody a psychic scouring of their enemies in the world.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I had a Pomeranian act this way towards me once. I just pushed it off the couch
gellaho
Francis the dork
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
A voice like the Prime Minister of Hell...?
Please?
Gentleman Brendan
More like chief magistrate
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
In his left hand, a cool, refreshing bottle of Milwaukee's Best
That's right. This is all a commercial
Gentleman Brendan
It glowed, as all things from Wisconsin glow with the good, natural light of rich, local ingredients made without any filler.
LyraV
Oh Francis, we can call you Brainpan but until you believe in yourself you'll never really be cool.
Gentleman Brendan
GO. PACKERS.
Francis, we already have a guy named Brainpan.
You can't be Brainpan II.
gellaho
Reuel Beutel has shown up to The Complex. Peter David borrowing liberally from RoboCop
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"BRAINPANNNNN!"
"See?"
Quint had a doctor put a lock on the evil cyborg but didn't have a way to test it
Like having that doctor use it
gellaho
His own little Directive 4
Gentleman Brendan
All of Chuck's enemies are gathering to kill each other, and Psy-Man is just wandering around a Queens sewer with amnesia, beating up sad homeless people.
gellaho
Apparently the guy at the hospital just sucked
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
It's a mystery why this never became a comic, TV show or movie
Gentleman Brendan
Chuck, I know we haven't talked about a future--if we even CAN have a future in this dying wor--
"One second, baby, I'm throwing a kid with physical defects into the wall neck-first."
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"BRRRRaaaaaiiiiinnnnppaaaannn...."
<crunch>
gellaho
Typically holds are barred for psychic cyborg assassinations
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
KISS
KIIIIISSSSS
gellaho
Hey, Peter, you made your bed. You can't make fun of it
gellaho
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I love that he won't give up the spoon
Just the dumbest memento
And you know every fake ID is Chuck (something)
With like, a mustache
gellaho
Wocka Wocka
gellaho
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Quoting the publisher, Peter?
Gentleman Brendan
I will never not picture Rommel as a rottweiler. Why change now?
gellaho
Psychic giant ears
Gentleman Brendan
Pyro and...I dunno, Ear-Blob.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The Brotherhood of Crappy Mutants
gellaho
Did a psychic wipe everyone's memory? It's only 2022. And, Chuck Simon was a teacher
gellaho
You would know what the CIA was
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
they were kind of a big deal
Gentleman Brendan
CIA what broke the world.
gellaho
Seems like if they were willing to kill 600 people for one psychic, Chuck should definitely be dead by now
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The history books will sing songs of Tom Jensen
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Doin my Blades in the Dark game so thanks for the fun, laters!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Later, Flippant! Have fun!
LyraV
have fun!!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"The explosion killed six. They went in and gunned down anyone that saw the explosion afterward."
gellaho
Oracle is a real bummer
Gentleman Brendan
That means at least a thousand people furious that none of their loved ones' colleagues had the decency to show their faces at the funeral.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"What am I, your strategist? I just told you everything"
Gentleman Brendan
Destiny...cripes, he didn't even try. What's magistrate's glowing hand power besides force shields?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Massage
He's really good at it, but it's still awkward because he talks the whole time
gellaho
Turns out the Magistrate and naked invisible lady are married
Well, not actually married
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
awww
Ohh, sewer married
gellaho
Because I'm pretty sure this doesn't count
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
They went to a minigolf course
LyraV
Sure, boning under a waterfall and trying to be washed downriver.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
There was a birthday party too afraid to speak up
Gentleman Brendan
Waterfall the sewer of the earth
gellaho
Meanwhile, Chuck is back to being a whiny peacenik
Gentleman Brendan
Chuck just remembered who he is, and that that person sucks.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
We're right on track for the Whining phase
Gentleman Brendan
Is he just being a dick to Alex, who clawed him back from ruin?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Next should be everyone telling him he sucks
Then some soul searching
Then war
Then him refusing to fight
Then fighting but refusing to kill
gellaho
Well, Alex isn't exactly clean in this situation
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
wow
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Proms in Russia involve wolves, Chuck. You're not winning this one
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
as a consent educator, I have several comments
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
They're all "Jesus fucking Christ dude"
Gentleman Brendan
Can two people violate each other? Tonight, we find out.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
If it helps, all of Chuck's romances end this way
gellaho
And Rommel wanted in on a psychic devil's three-way
Gentleman Brendan
Wait, all this and they didn't even bone down?
He's mad she kissed him?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I thought they boned on the beach
Jesus, Chuck. Did you lose your promise ring, too?
gellaho
They fucked on the beach
The sun greets the Cycle Sluts
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Thank you. I thought so
Gentleman Brendan
Technically, she and the person Chuck was at the time made PASSIONATE LOVE on the beach.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
they had the AMA paperwork signed
gellaho
As it greets Reuel Beutel
Gentleman Brendan
But the Psy-Man we know as Chuck "Simple" Simon, Psi-Man, was not present for that coupling, mentally.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
ohhhh, true
Did Quint tell anyone they have city hands yet?
Gentleman Brendan
Playing the role of Chaz in PIE-MAN: HEAVEN (an unauthorized XXX Parody), it's Chuck Simon, Amnesiac.
gellaho
Kind of a weird chapter ending, but OK
Gentleman Brendan
Coney Island is full of Russian agents, it's true.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
So Genady is supposed to be the ultimate big bad?
Gentleman Brendan
More of a Brighton Beach thing, but still.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
I'm a big advocate of fucking in general
However, I thoroughly advise against fucking on beaches
Gentleman Brendan
Is Romanova Alex?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Yep
Gentleman Brendan
Okay so she's Black Widow.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
THAT's why the name sounded familiar. Thank you!
gellaho
I think the Magistrate might have had a stroke in the middle of this
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I think Peter skipped some lines
Gentleman Brendan
Sarcasm is a great trait in leaders.
gellaho
What a revolution
Gentleman Brendan
"Before you depose me, you should know...I railed Destiny under a waterfall like it was a Meatloaf video. Now do to me as you will."
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"We'll totally persevere"
Gentleman Brendan
Excuse me, ORACLE.
LyraV
Now it's the age of Francis!
gellaho
You think that the group of psychics would have a better alert system
gellaho
Figurine
Who is now shot
Gentleman Brendan
Figurine is blind? Not oracle? Man, missed opportunity for poesy.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"So we're not flooding the sewers with napalm? We're going with a handful of guns?"
gellaho
Sure, sure
gellaho
Get the dog out there
Gentleman Brendan
Wait, Figurine is blind but she knows her blood comes out red?
If she's partially visible does she have partial ocular reception?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I think Figurine is the one who had Rommel and Oracle is the Magistrate's wife
This definitely feels like an MCU production, what with the quips that add nothing in important moments
Nowhere near as fun though
gellaho
I was confused, yes. I thought Figurine was blind because her eyes being clear would make it impossible to see
Also, Oracle was dissecting rats for prophecy
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
You were confused by the flawless explanations of Peter David?
gellaho
Which is a weird thing to do if you can't see the entrails
Gentleman Brendan
But Oracle is blind because Destiny is blind
I guess Magistrate is Calypso.
Callisto*
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
And Rommel is Caliban, but evil
gellaho
Anyway, Beutel (a psychic) forgets they are raiding a psychic haven
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Prince, at last
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
hm y'all think all this brain frying might have negative effects?
gellaho
Wait, the ocean is full of that much oil?
gellaho
Everything and everyone should be dead
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
not sure how it's affecting the author but...
Gentleman Brendan
Behold your magistrate https://x-men.fandom.com/wiki/Healer
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
🎵 Chuck don't want to set the world on fiiiiiIIIIIIIrrrrre🎵
gellaho
Took a while, but here's the preview
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Jensen's been working on his standup instead of managing their food and water supply
gellaho
Meanwhile, The Cycle Sluts are bedeviled by their most fearsome nemesis: a car
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I'm lost on whether we're supposed to hate or cheer for the Cycle Sluts at this point
They seem like they need help
gellaho
Beutel has gone rogue
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
They're more like comedic relief at this point
Who could have predicted having a tiny remote control wouldn't be enough to stop the murder bot with TK?
gellaho
The Adventures of Chuck Simon: Psychic Wimp continue
Gentleman Brendan
Give your talking car to someone who can fully utilize it, Chuck! You already have a talking dog, martial arts, and psychic powers!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
lethalness is such an awkward word
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Chuck has the powers of at least four different 90s TV shows and he still sucks
gellaho
The Complex really ended up being a dud
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
One helicopter. Truly, they were the power behind the throne
Oh wait, ocean fire. So two helicopters
gellaho
Oracle really should have seen that coming
gellaho
gellaho
I think there were like 9, but they have a guy that can fire infinite energy blasts and impenetrable shields
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Okay, yeah, that's a bit one-sided then
Kinda begs the question why they couldn't conquer the world before now
gellaho
Beutel seems fun
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Beutel Vickbot
gellaho
The Soviet spies are also defeated by the car
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Thanks for the payoff on Rommel, Peter. Totally worth it to see the badass kill monster run away after being abused
gellaho
Aikido
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Predictions on how Beutel dies?
I say head crush
By a rock falling from the ceiling
gellaho
How cavernous is this dog that there is an echo?
LyraV
My money is on explosive dismemberment.
Gentleman Brendan
TK crush seems to be the mode du jour
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That "make a wish" line might be the first effective bit Peter David wrote in this book
gellaho
Good guess that Chuck is useless, but the answer is eyeshot plus self-destruct
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
A glorious $5b joyride from the hospital to the sewers in his robo-bod
gellaho
Vroom vroom
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I guess bullets don't work if a robot uses them
Gentleman Brendan
The president's gonna get his wish
gellaho
Magistrate doing something mysterious, oooooooooo
gellaho
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The End
I dare you, Peter
gellaho
Not if Pittsburgh exploded, it's not
Gentleman Brendan
Deus Ex Magistrate
gellaho
Ah, Terwilliger. A character explored in Book 3 and then occasionally mentioned
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Now it's a drug-fueled descent into madness in an isolated cabin, narrated by Hemingway if Hemingway was a squirrel
oh
damn
gellaho
Buh, wuh? Who couldst have foreseen
Gentleman Brendan
Chuck's psi-shield protected him and he is living happily in the peaceful ruins of a nuclear power plant slaughter.
gellaho
That's some Hardysesque cliffhangering
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
And the Cycle Sluts are still out there, running from a car only they can see
gellaho
Fuck you, Peter David
LyraV
I was just about to ask!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"He remembered the UTI, which screamed through his urethra"
Gentleman Brendan
Honestly, what else could he choose? I respect this.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
It still hurts, Brendan
gellaho
Literally anything else
We end with Psi-Man: Deadbeat Dad
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
Chuck basically makes psi shields though
we saw him stop acid spit
magistrate could have saved alex
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
oh yeah. He just didn't feel like saving anyone
Gentleman Brendan
or somebody
gellaho
Except, actually there are still about 11 pages left
Surprise! Simon Hawke!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
YES!
YEEEEESSSSSS
Gentleman Brendan
The Galliahos
Two worlds collide IN
Psi-Man vs. Steele
gellaho
Well, it's a preview for a very long war saga he wrote
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Do you have any of those books?
gellaho
I do, they are very long
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
hmm, someday
gellaho
And I think pretty dry, which is why I'm not going to read this preview about Afghanistan in the 80s
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
oof
Yeah, Hawke's better moist
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
i'm sure that's aged well
Gentleman Brendan
The brave mujahadeen of Afghanistan vs. a Russian tank piloted by the brain of a wounded-in-action Spetznatz soldier
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Are there lips?
Gentleman Brendan
RED TSAR AT NIGHT: SNIPER'S DELIGHT
and be sure to pick up November's surefire hit sequel, RED TSAR IN MORNING: SAILORS TAKE WARNING
gellaho
We have defeated Psi-Man: Haven, and indeed Psi-Man in its entirety!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
📯
We did it!
You are all heroes!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
another david peters abomination has been slain
LyraV
Thanks so much @gellaho
gellaho
That concludes The 63rd Edition of The Book Cage. And our 4th Completed series
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Thank you, @gellaho !
gellaho
I believe we have done all of the David Peters pseudonym work now
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Awesome riffing, everyone!
gellaho
He shall be buried next to J.D. Masters
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Good. May he fester with his ilk
gellaho
Maybe next to S. L. Hunter
J. D. must be held to a higher level of respect
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Hunter wrote Tracker, right?
gellaho
No, he wrote the last two Steele books
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
ohhh
That seems fitting then
gellaho
Still the worst things I've read
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
holy shit!
Gentleman Brendan
Those were unseemly.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I thought Tracker and that French book were the worst. I should check the archives
Gentleman Brendan
You don't appreciate Hawke's Chris Claremonting until you've seen Hunter's Chuck Austen.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
hoooooo boy
maybe...I'll just take your words for it
although it'd be fair to Hawke to see how Hunter mangled it
hmm, we'll see
In any case, have a good night, hotdoggers!
Gentleman Brendan
Well meat, Shark.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Gad, I missed these readings
gellaho
After Target Steele, I'm doing something else instead of the 2 Hunter Steele books. Part of the reason is that there are 300 characters, but part of it is how bad they are
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Completely fair. Thank you again for doing these reads. And for waiting until I was back home for today's! You rule, dude
Gentleman Brendan
Yeah they're basically fanfic
Steele ends in a blaze of bullets on the way to the airport, RIP Ice I will mourn U till I join U
public jakesy no. 1
Don't you worry, their story is being rewritten the right way. The way it should be. the long way since I'm a year in and only have 5 chapters done. The Hawke Way
public jakesy no. 1
JD Masters canonically died in The Case of the Artificial Vampire last year
public jakesy no. 1
So he's been with us all along as we read Steele