65: Tracker Ron Stillman

gellaho

The Book Cage - Episode 62: Tracker

The latest in our series on Charter sci-fi adventures written under pseudonyms, following Steele and Psi-Man, comes Tracker by "Ron Stillman". About the coolest guy who ever lived, a multiracial soldier who has sex with all the ladies. He's a super genius, blackbelt, and rich. Oh, and he also was blinded in a car accident and now has magic radar/sonar vision. And that's just the first 20 pages. Discover the first in the shattering new series, this Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

gellaho

Special thanks to @Fatamatician: #1 Weiner Kid for recommending the series to me, it's fucking bananas

If you want to know more about the author, his real name is Don Bendell. He wrote this book for the purest of reasons

gellaho

Here's the man in his own words https://www.donbendell.com/bio

Henry

yo public speaking is my favorite genre

gellaho

My favorite detail being that both him and his son broke their backs four times, which is a remarkable coincidence

gellaho

A little over an hour until Tracker by Ron Stillman aka Don Bendell. Here is the preview

gellaho

And if you have time, catch up with the author https://www.donbendell.com/bio

He has a fetching scarf, knows all the martial arts, and has a very broken body

FancyShark

@Mo's Over, Synergy , @Chili Con Cookie Javo , other fight enthusiasts: Don's bio says he is a 10th degree blackbelt in Shita Judo and Shita Jujitsu. Does this terrify you?

also a 7th degree black belt Grandmaster in 2 other martial arts (Song Moo Kwan Tae Kwon Do & Freestyle Karate), and a black sash instructor in Muay Thai, as well, and 1996 inductee into the Martial Arts Museum of America,

gellaho

I'm sure the heart disease and Type II diabetes inflicts fear on his foes

FancyShark

"Hear that crunch? It's my arteries. But it'll soon be your bones!"

Dolphin cop Thrillho

For a second I read his name as Bio Don Bendell, like he's the mutated version who comes back after the heroes pushed him into a vat of toxic sludge

Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)

his credentials are-a certainly-a full of shita

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

He looks like a 70s character actor in films like Touch of Satan, who had a stroke and had to quit acting.

Like I can picture that man wheezing thru a role in a movie where a young handsome drifter rolls into a town with a dark secret and he's the sheriff who tries to warn the protagonist, but the local witch puts a hex on him and he has a fatal attack of his donut based chest disease.

It's certainly the face of a man who these days would have a self invented martial arts style named after himself.

Lol he's at least not lying about being in the International Karate and Kickboxing Hall of Fame.

FancyShark

https://ikkhof.org/inductees/

It's not a very impressive website, if I'm being honest

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Yeah it sucks.

Could use like 76% more karate.

At least some photos of the inductees in their prime, like maybe if I saw Don when he was fresh out of Vietnam I'd have an easier time believing in his martial arts qualifications.

I felt this was true. before I really could have known.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Cool he knows Burt Reynolds.

gellaho

Door's wide open

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

hahahah he looks like the old scrotumy colonel from Rambo.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Ew and he was friends with Ross Perot.

Mo's Over, Synergy

my friend worked venue logistics for some huge kickboxing/karate event several years ago and he said it was like stepping into a time machine, so that website being like that makes sense

I wonder how many of these people know they're in this list

well, Bruce Lee is in there so there's one who probably didn't have any say in the matter

FancyShark

Well, a Bruce Lee

Mo's Over, Synergy

this says Chuck Norris but the photo quality is so poor that it could be literally anybody

wait

Mo's Over, Synergy

is this our man?

FancyShark

It is!

Party on, puffy man!

Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe

Chuck Norris? No, this is Buck Morris.

FancyShark

There's so much they can get away with by not including pictures

Mo's Over, Synergy

Mo's Over, Synergy

this one says "Lee.JPG"

so that might be Linda Lee

and I have to assume she just immediately put that thing in the attic

maybe used it to block a draft

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

I'm pretty sure that is, I remember seeing her from some documentary

FancyShark

"Hi. I'm Sad Lee. And this is my wife, Guillotine Janet."

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Then again my eyes are shitty so it all looks like human blobs to me.

Mo's Over, Synergy

this is 270566864_10445302327775806505865273094736851

Mo's Over, Synergy

Maestro Dan Medina there having the body language of someone who got caught stealing a painting

but the facial expression of "now I have to store this fucking thing!?"

FancyShark

Fascinating how there's no entry for Frank Dux

Mo's Over, Synergy

FancyShark

Nor Ashida Kim

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

His skills are too secretive.

FancyShark

"You keep it."

"No way. You keep it."

Mo's Over, Synergy

this dude's name is Master Alyxzander Bear

Mo's Over, Synergy

which is fucking sweet

but also if you google him all of the hits are about his later career as an executive for a company that specializes in producing music festivals

Mo's Over, Synergy

karate means never having to say you're sorry

FancyShark

While he puts the bill away, his students run outside with sledgehammers to destroy four of the steps

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

I love that that story, just in one paragraph tells you so much about this dude.

FancyShark

Assholes should always be that efficient. Except then they wouldn't be assholes

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Like he has a crisp 100 dollar bill because he has enough cash he can not have a hundred dollar bill, and depending on your opinion is either losing money alot or only does this to certain people, and is an asshole either way.

FancyShark

Fridays at the movie theater, we'd get a lot of people that had just gone to the ATM to get money for the weekend. Lots of jerks would pay for a $6 movie ticket with a $100 bill

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

That is big "Boss at a local tire shop or gun store" energy, like this is a dude who makes it somehow your fault that you didnt know off the top of your head how many steps are in a given flight, and that makes you flabby and unobservant, and probably will end a job interview by demanding you unclog a toilet to show you're a team player.

gellaho

Time to begin

gellaho

We begin with a bear. And take that, Ayatollah

FancyShark

Bears are bigger when the soil's good

gellaho

Thanks, nerd

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

My eyes are blurry so I read that as Ayatollah Cuckamamie.

FancyShark

"Anyway, the bear's dead. Moving on."

gellaho

The camera tree is native to the island

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Hey, Janet, how do I explain the difference between two bears without sound like a nerd?"

FancyShark

"It was difficult to say which one was more aroused."

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Brock Lesnar was near, and the bear unsheathed its penile bone."

FancyShark

@Gentleman Brendan ! @LyraV ! @Shark Puke Fetishist GDC ! It's Friday book time!

gellaho

Major Nathaniel Hawthorne Tracker: computer expert, radar expert

FancyShark

He was proving its value to his womb?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Self insert character invents the Apple watch."

gellaho

Also expert pilot

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Sitting at a radar screen doesn't give me near enough opportunities to bomb Cambodia!"

FancyShark

If he accidentally bombed a building of children instead of Saddam Hussein, I'm out

gellaho

Certainly the best testing method is random bears

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

He's being fictional, the Air Force doesn't do anything with animals except irradiate them.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

government officials were skeptical of the utility of this new air-to-bear missile system

FancyShark

OPERATION OH BOTHER

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"So how do we get a live bear into the Kremlin, Steve?"

gellaho

This was during the early nineties bear infestation

LyraV

Wish I could, have the crazy schedule for a few weeks, good riffs to all!

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

"you realize that when cartoons draw russia as a bear they're just being metaphorical, right?"

FancyShark

aw nuts. We'll miss you!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

It only just now dawned on me this asshole's name is Tracker and he invented the Tracker system.

FancyShark

Sows: They're not just pigs

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Too bad, we will miss having you.

gellaho

On demographic surveys Tracker selects "all"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"And its not far enough into the 90s for Tae Kwon Do to have been demonstrated as being pretty good for fighting children at the mall only."

FancyShark

A martial art Don is a master of just happens to be what the hero mastered

gellaho

Tracker learned all the tracking techniques. Also: James Bond

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

The fact his self insert has both Native American and Black ancestry makes the super duper whiteness of the author more upsetting.

Oh god he likes the novels too.

FancyShark

Native Americans can read animal thoughts. Sure, Don

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

You cannot trust a kid who likes Ian Flemings James Bond novels, Bond is a fucking psychopath in those.

Gentleman Brendan

Pardon my light presence as I work on Hot Dog imagery. What's the setup?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Well........more than in the films

FancyShark

The coolest dude ever is tracking a bear with his self-made smartwatch

gellaho

Also: video games

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Tracker invented tracking and a tracking smartwatch to track bears.

FancyShark

According to the blurb on the cover, he will become a mixed race cyborg

We're currently getting his family's history

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

By now he should have been able to reference Donkey Kong and not just fucking Centipede, get with the times, old man.

Gentleman Brendan

Hahaha, this dude is Steele but his origin is Poked the Bear

gellaho

Tracker considers making out with his own ass

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Or making out with a mule.

FancyShark

Why a thin tree?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Which........sure.

Might as well.

FancyShark

Tracker was suspiciously good at finding reasons to make out with mules

Gentleman Brendan

This is why I always track with a friend who doesn't do cardio.

gellaho

Meanwhile: an observer gets hot in the pants

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

I assume so the bear can't climb up after you, but grizzly bears dont climb.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

So its easier to kiss his mule.

FancyShark

FancyBird?!

And she's a doctor?

Gentleman Brendan

Dr. Fancy Bird.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Fuck you, nobody is named Dr. Fancy Bird, Don.

FancyShark

I'm listening

FancyShark

Yeah!

Gentleman Brendan

But FancyShark! You cannot marry a birdwoman without gills! You're from two different WORLDS!

gellaho

Tracker encounters a bear that understands English

FancyShark

You cannot stop our love, Father!

Oh, wait, she's...wow, she really can't swim

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Nothing impresses women named weirdly like threatening a group of animals, especially notoriously cute ones like bear cubs

FancyShark

Our hero threatens to beat the shit out of a bear's cubs

gellaho

This bear violence further arouses the independent female scientist

FancyShark

Hold the phone. She's aroused by bear violence? I may have to call this woman

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

nothing makes a redhead wet like bear on bear violence, yes.

gellaho

I hope you are ready for Z-grade Bond dialog. There's a lot of it

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Tee hee, you think I'm pretty?"

FancyShark

Nevermind. If that line works from him, it's worked from every man she's talked to

Gentleman Brendan

What a hero. Tracker Koslowski, Bear-Taunter.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

I've never seen an example of naming characters by looking around your office in the wild.

gellaho

Sometimes when I'm looking through one of these books to see if it's worthy, I'll find the section that convinces me.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

It's majestic, like some kind of .........upscale avian.

gellaho

So, this was that moment

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Ooooooooooooooh she knew he had cocaine.

Now I get it.

FancyShark

Condoms hanging like silkworms or mildew from cave walls

gellaho

She is just loving these condom balloons

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

She things prophylactics are hilarious.

Gentleman Brendan

🪶 🟥 🌳

Henry

are they inflated with air or

FancyShark

I think she fucked a clown

Gentleman Brendan

Natty Tracker, you see, because he's a callback to Natty Bumpo, another man of nature by a terrible writer.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

The worst kind, a militarized clown.

gellaho

A human mind wrote that. A human mind possibly addled by Agent Orange, but still

FancyShark

Women sure love to laugh at discarded condoms

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

From the coauthor of Men Should Be Cowboys and Women Love Them.

Gentleman Brendan

She's a spy?

gellaho

Suddenly: karate class

FancyShark

Dr. Spy would be a more interesting story

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

I think if this holds to form shes the First Bond Fuck girl in this feature presentation.

Gentleman Brendan

This guy was abusing literally decades before our young women.

FancyShark

Only thirteen black belts? You're a shitty teacher, Tracker

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Again the only thing a profound master martial artist can envision for a character is "Teaching at the mall\YMCA"

Gentleman Brendan

Ah yes, the famous Korean karate.

gellaho

Very advanced foreshadowing techniques here

Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe

Tae Kwon Do

gellaho

It's all karate to me

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

I'm not familiar enough with Tae Kwon Do or Korea to know if calling it "Korean Karate" is accurate.

Or racist.

I have to assume Don knows, because he IS literally an expert.

Gentleman Brendan

I mean obviously a Korean guy can know karate, but I bet you don't meet another Asian character in this book.

FancyShark

"Blinding fluid"? Are you teaching this kid how to question Hannibal Lecter without getting jizz in his eyes, Tracker?

FancyShark

"expert"

Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe

Those spitting dinosaurs from jurassic Park

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Uh no, I'd.......probably just have like a sturdy flashlight, or have called the police? Or have a gun, to be honest I only do this Korean Karate thing on weekends for excercise."

gellaho

I think Tracker probably has some Asian in him

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

If not then only because Don forgot.

gellaho

Natty, now blindfolded himself, almost smashes a dude's nuts

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"You cant defend your nutsack, you dont deserve to keep it" is the rule in this dojo.

gellaho

Out of nowhere enters a drunken karate heckler

FancyShark

Typical businessman drunken furor

gellaho

You know how businessmen love getting drunk and interrupting karate class

FancyShark

Starting fights at a mall dojo

Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe

Well you gotta pick fights you can win

You'll have the karate man out cold before he can finish screaming for a ref

gellaho

Maybe drunky has a point vis-a-vis wimpiness

FancyShark

I want to know what made the drunk angry in the first place

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Aw come on, you didnt even kick his ass, this movie sucks, I should have gone to see Art of Self Defense.

Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe

Karate

FancyShark

Don skipped the part where you're supposed to say "Karate is not for fighting" before agreeing to fight

gellaho

What are transitions? Why use them?

FancyShark

Aren't dogfights illegal? How do you get two F-16's in a pit that small?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"We call him "Rabbit because hes small, white and fucks nonstop. Like seriously, its getting to be a problem since we started letting women into the Air Force."

Gentleman Brendan

He saw a bunch of limp-dick chickenshit pussies doing that fruity karate kung-fu kwan do.

gellaho

Driving back in his sweet corvette. Meanwhile: dog

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also way to name drop the lamest fighter jet of the 80s and 90s, you wanted a deep cut but got the Falcon instead of the Hornet. Also the Tomcat was right fucking there.

Man if your dog breaks his leash and runs at people you are a bad dog owner.

Gentleman Brendan

He Roadhoused that drunk.

Tracker is Steele + Psi-Man

FancyShark

Don read Psi-Man and kicked himself at not using "Rommel" for the dog's name

gellaho

Meanwhile: a drunk drunkenly drives to the liquor store

Gentleman Brendan

That dog is such a jerk.

FancyShark

"Yeah. The stupid woman."

Gentleman Brendan

We have two different future-heroes with jerk dog sidekicks.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Man the narrative is being really mean to poor Soon To Be Dead Most Likely Cassie.

FancyShark

I appreciate that Rommel at least knows the story is stupid

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Maybe shes lonely because she sucks, you dont know.

Or just focused on her career and didnt have time for a boyfriend, or keeping up with her friends from college.

gellaho

He is not going to be friends with this dog

Gentleman Brendan

Cassie Devon, Classy Drunk

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Welp, nice that he didnt run over a dog.

Gentleman Brendan

Most drivers would have sucked and died. Tracker, who did not suck, did not die.

FancyShark

Unfortunate though that the dog startled him next to a DEATH GORGE

gellaho

The dog mocks his broken body

FancyShark

People laugh for weird reasons in this book

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Ironically barking at his corpse would lead first responders to it, so his body laid undiscovered for days.

Poor dog was just doing its job.

gellaho

Then he explodes, because why not

gellaho

FancyShark

"Sorry, pal. Crashes are too much paperwork."

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Tracker, you are really sweet to think that was stupidity and no OTHER reason a dude of the brown persuasion would be lit on fire.

FancyShark

Well, it was a terrible story, but at least it was short

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

We switch to Dr. Fancy Bird, now pregananant with Trackers son.

gellaho

No points for guessing where this goes

FancyShark

Great riffing everyone! Thank you ag-

oh

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"How do...........CRISPY! Thats how I feel."

FancyShark

"We only saved your penis"

gellaho

@FancyShark

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"What do you know about Osiris, Major?"

FancyShark

Don't try to sweettalk me, Don

Also, now I demand cookies

gellaho

Two sentences later

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Maybe you shouldn't sexually harass the person responsible for your physical well being?"

FancyShark

I hope she's hideous and made of knives

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

..........

gellaho

Good lord

FancyShark

Also, fuck you, Don. I've woken up from dental surgery and felt like death. There's no way Tracker's horny after being burned alive

gellaho

I can tell your self-esteem by feeling

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

No way hes feeling anything but screaming agony forever.

gellaho

He's all hot and bothered

FancyShark

Gellaho wins. Pack it up, everyone

Is it wrong that I want Tracker to be feeling her face with the stubs where his hands used to be?

gellaho

He's adjusting very well

gellaho

I don't need to know your amputee fetish

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"You know, Id be offended that you keep making passes at me while being a superior officer, but you look like a wet cigar now and I dont want you to feel bad."

FancyShark

Well, I'm not taking it back

This guy is Jack Reacher, except even less plausible

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

..........

gellaho

Making out sounds painful

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Goddam cat wont get off my keyboard.

FancyShark

The other patients in the burn ward are just staring at them

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Sorry I haven't been able to join in, I've got a late work thing moving immediately into an outside thing.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Fuck that went from Zero To Fingerblast real quick.

FancyShark

Dang. We'll miss you!

gellaho

Phrasing

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Hah that seems almost quaint now.

FancyShark

Sadly, access to the money requires a retinal scan

Gentleman Brendan

Tracker is a fucking creep.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

And hes a Major and his doctor is a captain, he outranks her so at no point should he be fingering anything.

FancyShark

Not since Bhodi Li have we seen a protagonist become so loathsome so fast

gellaho

"Because he was blind, he couldn't see all the people staring at the weird beeping blind guy"

FancyShark

Suck it, Daredevil

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"His second version was BUTT, he didnt know how he was going to get to that acronym but he would die trying."

FancyShark

Yeah, I'm sure they were calling him a SOD

gellaho

FancyShark

...

My eye is twitching

gellaho

I'm assuming because you are holding back the tears due to the profundity of that statement?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Rabbit replied: "You know you are an asshole, right? Also I came here to tell you about the investigation, you realize you cant finger junior officers, right?"

FancyShark

Of course. I think I'm done seeing things now. There's no topping that.

gellaho

The scene that has to happen in the blind karate book

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

This is the most realistic part of the whole book.

I'm pretty sure someone did try to mug a blind judo champion and got stomped in real life.

gellaho

It goes as expected

FancyShark

The weirdest part is that they were a gang of little girls

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Cmooooooooooooooooooooooonn Batman isnt blind! Daredevil is right there you fucks.

Gentleman Brendan

You mean Red Batman?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also I'm sure theres a blind DC hero you could have referenced.

Fake nerd muggers!

gellaho

What a bad ass

Gentleman Brendan

Dr. Midnite

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

There. That would have been much better.

gellaho

A well-known reference to be sure

Gentleman Brendan

"Officer, I was mugged! I'm blind, but I can tell you they were Black because the author of this book is a hack dialogue writer."

FancyShark

Battle gives you diarrhea? Is that what you want to go with, Don?