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gellaho
The Book Cage - Episode 62: Tracker
The latest in our series on Charter sci-fi adventures written under pseudonyms, following Steele and Psi-Man, comes Tracker by "Ron Stillman". About the coolest guy who ever lived, a multiracial soldier who has sex with all the ladies. He's a super genius, blackbelt, and rich. Oh, and he also was blinded in a car accident and now has magic radar/sonar vision. And that's just the first 20 pages. Discover the first in the shattering new series, this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
gellaho
Special thanks to @Fatamatician: #1 Weiner Kid for recommending the series to me, it's fucking bananas
If you want to know more about the author, his real name is Don Bendell. He wrote this book for the purest of reasons
gellaho
Here's the man in his own words https://www.donbendell.com/bio
Henry
yo public speaking is my favorite genre
gellaho
My favorite detail being that both him and his son broke their backs four times, which is a remarkable coincidence
gellaho
A little over an hour until Tracker by Ron Stillman aka Don Bendell. Here is the preview
gellaho
And if you have time, catch up with the author https://www.donbendell.com/bio
He has a fetching scarf, knows all the martial arts, and has a very broken body
FancyShark
@Mo's Over, Synergy , @Chili Con Cookie Javo , other fight enthusiasts: Don's bio says he is a 10th degree blackbelt in Shita Judo and Shita Jujitsu. Does this terrify you?
also a 7th degree black belt Grandmaster in 2 other martial arts (Song Moo Kwan Tae Kwon Do & Freestyle Karate), and a black sash instructor in Muay Thai, as well, and 1996 inductee into the Martial Arts Museum of America,
gellaho
I'm sure the heart disease and Type II diabetes inflicts fear on his foes
FancyShark
"Hear that crunch? It's my arteries. But it'll soon be your bones!"
Dolphin cop Thrillho
For a second I read his name as Bio Don Bendell, like he's the mutated version who comes back after the heroes pushed him into a vat of toxic sludge
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
his credentials are-a certainly-a full of shita
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He looks like a 70s character actor in films like Touch of Satan, who had a stroke and had to quit acting.
Like I can picture that man wheezing thru a role in a movie where a young handsome drifter rolls into a town with a dark secret and he's the sheriff who tries to warn the protagonist, but the local witch puts a hex on him and he has a fatal attack of his donut based chest disease.
It's certainly the face of a man who these days would have a self invented martial arts style named after himself.
Lol he's at least not lying about being in the International Karate and Kickboxing Hall of Fame.
FancyShark
https://ikkhof.org/inductees/
It's not a very impressive website, if I'm being honest
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Yeah it sucks.
Could use like 76% more karate.
At least some photos of the inductees in their prime, like maybe if I saw Don when he was fresh out of Vietnam I'd have an easier time believing in his martial arts qualifications.
I felt this was true. before I really could have known.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Cool he knows Burt Reynolds.
gellaho
Door's wide open
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
hahahah he looks like the old scrotumy colonel from Rambo.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Ew and he was friends with Ross Perot.
Mo's Over, Synergy
my friend worked venue logistics for some huge kickboxing/karate event several years ago and he said it was like stepping into a time machine, so that website being like that makes sense
I wonder how many of these people know they're in this list
well, Bruce Lee is in there so there's one who probably didn't have any say in the matter
FancyShark
Well, a Bruce Lee
Mo's Over, Synergy
this says Chuck Norris but the photo quality is so poor that it could be literally anybody
wait
Mo's Over, Synergy
is this our man?
FancyShark
It is!
Party on, puffy man!
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Chuck Norris? No, this is Buck Morris.
FancyShark
There's so much they can get away with by not including pictures
Mo's Over, Synergy
Mo's Over, Synergy
this one says "Lee.JPG"
so that might be Linda Lee
and I have to assume she just immediately put that thing in the attic
maybe used it to block a draft
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I'm pretty sure that is, I remember seeing her from some documentary
FancyShark
"Hi. I'm Sad Lee. And this is my wife, Guillotine Janet."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Then again my eyes are shitty so it all looks like human blobs to me.
Mo's Over, Synergy
this is 270566864_10445302327775806505865273094736851
Mo's Over, Synergy
Maestro Dan Medina there having the body language of someone who got caught stealing a painting
but the facial expression of "now I have to store this fucking thing!?"
FancyShark
Fascinating how there's no entry for Frank Dux
Mo's Over, Synergy
FancyShark
Nor Ashida Kim
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
His skills are too secretive.
FancyShark
"You keep it."
"No way. You keep it."
Mo's Over, Synergy
this dude's name is Master Alyxzander Bear
Mo's Over, Synergy
which is fucking sweet
but also if you google him all of the hits are about his later career as an executive for a company that specializes in producing music festivals
Mo's Over, Synergy
karate means never having to say you're sorry
FancyShark
While he puts the bill away, his students run outside with sledgehammers to destroy four of the steps
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I love that that story, just in one paragraph tells you so much about this dude.
FancyShark
Assholes should always be that efficient. Except then they wouldn't be assholes
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Like he has a crisp 100 dollar bill because he has enough cash he can not have a hundred dollar bill, and depending on your opinion is either losing money alot or only does this to certain people, and is an asshole either way.
FancyShark
Fridays at the movie theater, we'd get a lot of people that had just gone to the ATM to get money for the weekend. Lots of jerks would pay for a $6 movie ticket with a $100 bill
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
That is big "Boss at a local tire shop or gun store" energy, like this is a dude who makes it somehow your fault that you didnt know off the top of your head how many steps are in a given flight, and that makes you flabby and unobservant, and probably will end a job interview by demanding you unclog a toilet to show you're a team player.
gellaho
Time to begin
gellaho
We begin with a bear. And take that, Ayatollah
FancyShark
Bears are bigger when the soil's good
gellaho
Thanks, nerd
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
My eyes are blurry so I read that as Ayatollah Cuckamamie.
FancyShark
"Anyway, the bear's dead. Moving on."
gellaho
The camera tree is native to the island
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Hey, Janet, how do I explain the difference between two bears without sound like a nerd?"
FancyShark
"It was difficult to say which one was more aroused."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Brock Lesnar was near, and the bear unsheathed its penile bone."
Major Nathaniel Hawthorne Tracker: computer expert, radar expert
FancyShark
He was proving its value to his womb?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Self insert character invents the Apple watch."
gellaho
Also expert pilot
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Sitting at a radar screen doesn't give me near enough opportunities to bomb Cambodia!"
FancyShark
If he accidentally bombed a building of children instead of Saddam Hussein, I'm out
gellaho
Certainly the best testing method is random bears
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He's being fictional, the Air Force doesn't do anything with animals except irradiate them.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
government officials were skeptical of the utility of this new air-to-bear missile system
FancyShark
OPERATION OH BOTHER
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"So how do we get a live bear into the Kremlin, Steve?"
gellaho
This was during the early nineties bear infestation
LyraV
Wish I could, have the crazy schedule for a few weeks, good riffs to all!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"you realize that when cartoons draw russia as a bear they're just being metaphorical, right?"
FancyShark
aw nuts. We'll miss you!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It only just now dawned on me this asshole's name is Tracker and he invented the Tracker system.
FancyShark
Sows: They're not just pigs
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Too bad, we will miss having you.
gellaho
On demographic surveys Tracker selects "all"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"And its not far enough into the 90s for Tae Kwon Do to have been demonstrated as being pretty good for fighting children at the mall only."
FancyShark
A martial art Don is a master of just happens to be what the hero mastered
gellaho
Tracker learned all the tracking techniques. Also: James Bond
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The fact his self insert has both Native American and Black ancestry makes the super duper whiteness of the author more upsetting.
Oh god he likes the novels too.
FancyShark
Native Americans can read animal thoughts. Sure, Don
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You cannot trust a kid who likes Ian Flemings James Bond novels, Bond is a fucking psychopath in those.
Gentleman Brendan
Pardon my light presence as I work on Hot Dog imagery. What's the setup?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Well........more than in the films
FancyShark
The coolest dude ever is tracking a bear with his self-made smartwatch
gellaho
Also: video games
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Tracker invented tracking and a tracking smartwatch to track bears.
FancyShark
According to the blurb on the cover, he will become a mixed race cyborg
We're currently getting his family's history
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
By now he should have been able to reference Donkey Kong and not just fucking Centipede, get with the times, old man.
Gentleman Brendan
Hahaha, this dude is Steele but his origin is Poked the Bear
gellaho
Tracker considers making out with his own ass
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Or making out with a mule.
FancyShark
Why a thin tree?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Which........sure.
Might as well.
FancyShark
Tracker was suspiciously good at finding reasons to make out with mules
Gentleman Brendan
This is why I always track with a friend who doesn't do cardio.
gellaho
Meanwhile: an observer gets hot in the pants
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I assume so the bear can't climb up after you, but grizzly bears dont climb.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
So its easier to kiss his mule.
FancyShark
FancyBird?!
And she's a doctor?
Gentleman Brendan
Dr. Fancy Bird.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuck you, nobody is named Dr. Fancy Bird, Don.
FancyShark
I'm listening
FancyShark
Yeah!
Gentleman Brendan
But FancyShark! You cannot marry a birdwoman without gills! You're from two different WORLDS!
gellaho
Tracker encounters a bear that understands English
FancyShark
You cannot stop our love, Father!
Oh, wait, she's...wow, she really can't swim
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Nothing impresses women named weirdly like threatening a group of animals, especially notoriously cute ones like bear cubs
FancyShark
Our hero threatens to beat the shit out of a bear's cubs
gellaho
This bear violence further arouses the independent female scientist
FancyShark
Hold the phone. She's aroused by bear violence? I may have to call this woman
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
nothing makes a redhead wet like bear on bear violence, yes.
gellaho
I hope you are ready for Z-grade Bond dialog. There's a lot of it
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Tee hee, you think I'm pretty?"
FancyShark
Nevermind. If that line works from him, it's worked from every man she's talked to
Gentleman Brendan
What a hero. Tracker Koslowski, Bear-Taunter.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I've never seen an example of naming characters by looking around your office in the wild.
gellaho
Sometimes when I'm looking through one of these books to see if it's worthy, I'll find the section that convinces me.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It's majestic, like some kind of .........upscale avian.
gellaho
So, this was that moment
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Ooooooooooooooh she knew he had cocaine.
Now I get it.
FancyShark
Condoms hanging like silkworms or mildew from cave walls
gellaho
She is just loving these condom balloons
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
She things prophylactics are hilarious.
Gentleman Brendan
🪶 🟥 🌳
Henry
are they inflated with air or
FancyShark
I think she fucked a clown
Gentleman Brendan
Natty Tracker, you see, because he's a callback to Natty Bumpo, another man of nature by a terrible writer.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The worst kind, a militarized clown.
gellaho
A human mind wrote that. A human mind possibly addled by Agent Orange, but still
FancyShark
Women sure love to laugh at discarded condoms
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
From the coauthor of Men Should Be Cowboys and Women Love Them.
Gentleman Brendan
She's a spy?
gellaho
Suddenly: karate class
FancyShark
Dr. Spy would be a more interesting story
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I think if this holds to form shes the First Bond Fuck girl in this feature presentation.
Gentleman Brendan
This guy was abusing literally decades before our young women.
FancyShark
Only thirteen black belts? You're a shitty teacher, Tracker
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Again the only thing a profound master martial artist can envision for a character is "Teaching at the mall\YMCA"
Gentleman Brendan
Ah yes, the famous Korean karate.
gellaho
Very advanced foreshadowing techniques here
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Tae Kwon Do
gellaho
It's all karate to me
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I'm not familiar enough with Tae Kwon Do or Korea to know if calling it "Korean Karate" is accurate.
Or racist.
I have to assume Don knows, because he IS literally an expert.
Gentleman Brendan
I mean obviously a Korean guy can know karate, but I bet you don't meet another Asian character in this book.
FancyShark
"Blinding fluid"? Are you teaching this kid how to question Hannibal Lecter without getting jizz in his eyes, Tracker?
FancyShark
"expert"
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Those spitting dinosaurs from jurassic Park
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Uh no, I'd.......probably just have like a sturdy flashlight, or have called the police? Or have a gun, to be honest I only do this Korean Karate thing on weekends for excercise."
gellaho
I think Tracker probably has some Asian in him
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
If not then only because Don forgot.
gellaho
Natty, now blindfolded himself, almost smashes a dude's nuts
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"You cant defend your nutsack, you dont deserve to keep it" is the rule in this dojo.
gellaho
Out of nowhere enters a drunken karate heckler
FancyShark
Typical businessman drunken furor
gellaho
You know how businessmen love getting drunk and interrupting karate class
FancyShark
Starting fights at a mall dojo
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Well you gotta pick fights you can win
You'll have the karate man out cold before he can finish screaming for a ref
gellaho
Maybe drunky has a point vis-a-vis wimpiness
FancyShark
I want to know what made the drunk angry in the first place
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Aw come on, you didnt even kick his ass, this movie sucks, I should have gone to see Art of Self Defense.
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Karate
FancyShark
Don skipped the part where you're supposed to say "Karate is not for fighting" before agreeing to fight
gellaho
What are transitions? Why use them?
FancyShark
Aren't dogfights illegal? How do you get two F-16's in a pit that small?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"We call him "Rabbit because hes small, white and fucks nonstop. Like seriously, its getting to be a problem since we started letting women into the Air Force."
Gentleman Brendan
He saw a bunch of limp-dick chickenshit pussies doing that fruity karate kung-fu kwan do.
gellaho
Driving back in his sweet corvette. Meanwhile: dog
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also way to name drop the lamest fighter jet of the 80s and 90s, you wanted a deep cut but got the Falcon instead of the Hornet. Also the Tomcat was right fucking there.
Man if your dog breaks his leash and runs at people you are a bad dog owner.
Gentleman Brendan
He Roadhoused that drunk.
Tracker is Steele + Psi-Man
FancyShark
Don read Psi-Man and kicked himself at not using "Rommel" for the dog's name
gellaho
Meanwhile: a drunk drunkenly drives to the liquor store
Gentleman Brendan
That dog is such a jerk.
FancyShark
"Yeah. The stupid woman."
Gentleman Brendan
We have two different future-heroes with jerk dog sidekicks.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Man the narrative is being really mean to poor Soon To Be Dead Most Likely Cassie.
FancyShark
I appreciate that Rommel at least knows the story is stupid
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Maybe shes lonely because she sucks, you dont know.
Or just focused on her career and didnt have time for a boyfriend, or keeping up with her friends from college.
gellaho
He is not going to be friends with this dog
Gentleman Brendan
Cassie Devon, Classy Drunk
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Welp, nice that he didnt run over a dog.
Gentleman Brendan
Most drivers would have sucked and died. Tracker, who did not suck, did not die.
FancyShark
Unfortunate though that the dog startled him next to a DEATH GORGE
gellaho
The dog mocks his broken body
FancyShark
People laugh for weird reasons in this book
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Ironically barking at his corpse would lead first responders to it, so his body laid undiscovered for days.
Poor dog was just doing its job.
gellaho
Then he explodes, because why not
gellaho
FancyShark
"Sorry, pal. Crashes are too much paperwork."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Tracker, you are really sweet to think that was stupidity and no OTHER reason a dude of the brown persuasion would be lit on fire.
FancyShark
Well, it was a terrible story, but at least it was short
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
We switch to Dr. Fancy Bird, now pregananant with Trackers son.
gellaho
No points for guessing where this goes
FancyShark
Great riffing everyone! Thank you ag-
oh
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"How do...........CRISPY! Thats how I feel."
FancyShark
"We only saved your penis"
gellaho
@FancyShark
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"What do you know about Osiris, Major?"
FancyShark
Don't try to sweettalk me, Don
Also, now I demand cookies
gellaho
Two sentences later
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Maybe you shouldn't sexually harass the person responsible for your physical well being?"
FancyShark
I hope she's hideous and made of knives
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
..........
gellaho
Good lord
FancyShark
Also, fuck you, Don. I've woken up from dental surgery and felt like death. There's no way Tracker's horny after being burned alive
gellaho
I can tell your self-esteem by feeling
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
No way hes feeling anything but screaming agony forever.
gellaho
He's all hot and bothered
FancyShark
Gellaho wins. Pack it up, everyone
Is it wrong that I want Tracker to be feeling her face with the stubs where his hands used to be?
gellaho
He's adjusting very well
gellaho
I don't need to know your amputee fetish
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"You know, Id be offended that you keep making passes at me while being a superior officer, but you look like a wet cigar now and I dont want you to feel bad."
FancyShark
Well, I'm not taking it back
This guy is Jack Reacher, except even less plausible
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
..........
gellaho
Making out sounds painful
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Goddam cat wont get off my keyboard.
FancyShark
The other patients in the burn ward are just staring at them
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Sorry I haven't been able to join in, I've got a late work thing moving immediately into an outside thing.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuck that went from Zero To Fingerblast real quick.
FancyShark
Dang. We'll miss you!
gellaho
Phrasing
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Hah that seems almost quaint now.
FancyShark
Sadly, access to the money requires a retinal scan
Gentleman Brendan
Tracker is a fucking creep.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And hes a Major and his doctor is a captain, he outranks her so at no point should he be fingering anything.
FancyShark
Not since Bhodi Li have we seen a protagonist become so loathsome so fast
gellaho
"Because he was blind, he couldn't see all the people staring at the weird beeping blind guy"
FancyShark
Suck it, Daredevil
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"His second version was BUTT, he didnt know how he was going to get to that acronym but he would die trying."
FancyShark
Yeah, I'm sure they were calling him a SOD
gellaho
FancyShark
...
My eye is twitching
gellaho
I'm assuming because you are holding back the tears due to the profundity of that statement?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Rabbit replied: "You know you are an asshole, right? Also I came here to tell you about the investigation, you realize you cant finger junior officers, right?"
FancyShark
Of course. I think I'm done seeing things now. There's no topping that.
gellaho
The scene that has to happen in the blind karate book
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This is the most realistic part of the whole book.
I'm pretty sure someone did try to mug a blind judo champion and got stomped in real life.
gellaho
It goes as expected
FancyShark
The weirdest part is that they were a gang of little girls
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Cmooooooooooooooooooooooonn Batman isnt blind! Daredevil is right there you fucks.
Gentleman Brendan
You mean Red Batman?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also I'm sure theres a blind DC hero you could have referenced.
Fake nerd muggers!
gellaho
What a bad ass
Gentleman Brendan
Dr. Midnite
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
There. That would have been much better.
gellaho
A well-known reference to be sure
Gentleman Brendan
"Officer, I was mugged! I'm blind, but I can tell you they were Black because the author of this book is a hack dialogue writer."
FancyShark
Battle gives you diarrhea? Is that what you want to go with, Don?
gellaho
How's about this
FancyShark
My god, can anything eclipse Tracker's resplendence?
Oh look, a penny
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Boy, Don sure likes making characters compliment his self insert on his manliness.
Gentleman Brendan
This Gary Sue shit
Making the neighborhood safe for cranky old drunks again.
FancyShark
I'm still upset by the idea that a true man leaves piles of used condoms on every surface
gellaho
"I still don't understand"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Don writes like he wants to be John Wayne, except John Wayne was a pussy.
FancyShark
"Hahaha, your lower lip just fell off from necrosis"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also fuck your eye puns, Don.
"Hey Natty, you know you look like old overdone bacon?"
FancyShark
There's a pack of dogs following him everywhere hoping for scraps
gellaho
"Jesus, what's wrong with your eyebrows?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
That doctor he fingered now smells faintly of burning pork.
FancyShark
"These don't do anything. We just hate you and found a bunch of junk in the trash."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"We also have some that will make you look like Flava Flav."
gellaho
This is a lot of words for magic seeing sunglasses
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The IBM computer is like the size of a fucking bus.
FancyShark
Sight via wifi is going to have a few issues
gellaho
Yeah, that's the only problem with that
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He only sees in Virtual Boy Red now.
gellaho
Hmmm, maybe not the best idea
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Youd think his now delicate connection twixt metal and meat would make doing high G flight.........less feasible.
FancyShark
"Sure, mister. I can sell you a plane. You got eyes behind them glasses, dontcha? HAHA, that's just a little joke! Let's get you flying."
gellaho
OK, but what about this?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also last time he flew a Falcon, now hes in an Eagle?! Just do a Top Gun and let him in a Tomcat you hack.
FancyShark
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
FancyShark
He divorced the car, like a real man
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Okay I did that GIF but now I need Shia to go away.
gellaho
"He got a new contact with Washington. Also: fucking"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Aw, Don.........you know that anyone in the US military above a certain rank only kicks ass in a metaphorical sense.
FancyShark
This book is making me feel dirty about my name
You have a doctorate, Fancy Bird! You should be better than this!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Wally Rampart is so close to being described as a "bear of a man" and I can't even.
Also Wally Rampart.
Fuck you Don.
I see what you did there and fuck you.
gellaho
Even the KGB loves Tracker
gellaho
He's got a big mustache, so he's "The Walrus"
FancyShark
And another chance for some conflict is thwarted
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"in Soviet Russia, spies send pizza to YOU!"
gellaho
THE SUPREME PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR
FancyShark
They decided this because he sexually harassed a doctor?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"And he was kept very busy, because losing nukes was like 60% of what the military did in that era."
gellaho
So his first thing is a drug bust, and who cares
But, uh, Chapter 8 is something else
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Yeah thats a honey badger all right.
Honey badger dont give a shit.
FancyShark
Don must be working through some issues regarding Dumbo
gellaho
The world's intelligence community chose Afrikaans for... some reason
FancyShark
Don looked at a list of Hispanic names and chose "all"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Of course he's Cuban
gellaho
I'm not sure the weight on that works
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Cold War Trope 356b means he HAS to be Cuban.
FancyShark
If only the letter bomb had thought about baseball
gellaho
That is how the Cold War worked, yes
gellaho
It was Cuban, it probably did
Gentleman Brendan
I was converting video of old ads -- what happened after he beat up the toughs?
FancyShark
He became an international private eye
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Onlookers agreed he is a real man as well.
gellaho
Wacky Qaddafi was the name of his sitcom
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Now he does secret squirrel shit for the government.
FancyShark
Also, a honey badger ripped off an elephant's junk
Ohhhhh, and the bad guy is named after the honey badger and the bad guy's a terrorist, so the elephant must symbolize Don's half of America
gellaho
Rabbit's been captured by the Libyans. His reaction is quite strange
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Qaddafi living with Saparmurat Niyazov is so close to Dictator Perfect Strangers.
FancyShark
I'd watch that. At least one season
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Turkmenbashi! You spent the rent money on a golden statue of a horse again?! *Laugh track"
Gentleman Brendan
My understanding is both his eyes became private.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also points to Don for using words like "pussy" and not dancing around it. He sucks but he sucks in a consistent fashion.
FancyShark
"Oopsie daisy!" <canned laughter>
gellaho
Tracker gets coffined into Libya
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Challenge for authors: Write the name of a middle eastern character and it cant be Mohammed or a variant spelling, or Ahmed.
gellaho
OK, OK, OK. So, what about this?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Difficulty: S+ for Don.
FancyShark
FancyShark
I immediately love and respect Natty, as he does for Mohammad
gellaho
Smooth, Tracker. Smooth
FancyShark
The reason Tracker works so well is that not only is he a complex, multi-faceted character, but Don keeps him grounded and relatable
Gentleman Brendan
Omar bin Terrorismu. Hi, I'm popular sci-fi he-man author Don Manballz.
My grandpa was a Don, but this dude is really upholding the idea that all Dons who pass through the hot dog gates suck on a higher level.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sack......cloth? Like Libyans dont have cotton.
gellaho
Getting my eyes electrocuted makes me tired too
FancyShark
Only Quixote managed to pass the test, and he was fucking bonkers
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Wait he was fucking smuggled into the AO via coffin but still needed to disguise his bullshit gadgets?!
FancyShark
That radar is going to have a range just shy of Bluetooth
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Like someone was gonna open a coffin and find a dude in a oxygen mask and only worry about his shaving cream.
FancyShark
1990's Bluetooth
Gentleman Brendan
My eyes don't sync up to the sonar on the first six tries.
Try closing your eyes and opening them again.
FancyShark
Don't close your eyes suddenly. That's what we call "hard blinking"
gellaho
Having taken off his magic sunglasses, Tracker gets ambushed, then SEALS show up. And it gets weird
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
His eyes make the dial up modem sound at full volume every time he moves too quick
This is very accurate SEAL dialogue, they are all psychos.
FancyShark
Everyone's so chummy at the hostage rescue
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Don's military experience really showing thru here.
Gentleman Brendan
Has he tried defeating the Navy SEALs by making them wear light masks for an hour and a half?
gellaho
The comic book throughline
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
No he's got cyber eyes and is an asshole and is fucking with you.
FancyShark
Don's just flaunting his inability to name Daredevil
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
That isnt how that works.
Fuck you Don, you know that.
Gentleman Brendan
Don is just working through an entire nickel bin of 1981 comics.
FancyShark
Let's not forget that Don allegedly wrote a nonfiction book that was nominated for a 2011 Pulitzer. Let's also not forget that there's no proof of that on the Pulitzer website
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
this is incredible dialogue. so true to life.
pretty sure that's exactly how guys talk
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Especially SEALS.
gellaho
Tracker fantasizes whilst flying
gellaho
By the by, they just kind of left Libya after the SEALS showed up, I'm not sure what the point of that was
FancyShark
That sounds more like melanoma than tanning, Tracker
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Tiny signal in his own eyes" is cyborg talk for "Don Diebel style hypnosis technique"
FancyShark
So glad Don took this long to describe the incredibly hot doctor the flawless hero is fucking
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
in my mind's eye I saw bat-signal shaped pupils
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also again, her name is Fancy Bird.
I cannot stress that enough.
gellaho
Magic glasses upgrade
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Just dont get your eyes wet, they arent sealed yet.
Do NOT take your eyes into the bathroom to play Candy Crush on, you will drop them into the toilet.
FancyShark
How much time has passed since his immolation?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Time is for nerds and non-doctor fingering meat men, not rad cyborg super agents.
gellaho
Seems legit
Gentleman Brendan
Natty and/or Don may be a psycho.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Don was or at least claims he was in Project Pheonix in Vietnam. he is definitely a psycho.
FancyShark
I'm longing for the quiet dignity of Steele
Gentleman Brendan
"She was physically perfect and worked to maintain it, as Don deserve--I MEAN NATTY. NATTY TRACKER."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Do Communist Cubans Dream of Comic Book Characters?
Gentleman Brendan
Jesus, "She had no fat on her anywhere except for her huge tits and better-than-the-decade's-standards ass. Also she was Marilyn Monroe's doppelganger. Natty thought of her often after other women failed to live up to her standard."
gellaho
I mean, that was bound to be in here
Gentleman Brendan
We're going to have to re-examine the view of women in Colt Blacke if I ever crawl out of this pile of assignments.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Who the fuck ever called them "karate sticks"?
fuck you Don, you made that up.
Gentleman Brendan
Don only knows one martial art and it's ALL OF THEM
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Never once in my 30+ years of nunchaku enthusiasm have I heard them called "karate sticks"
Not even ironically or by accident by a grandpa.
FancyShark
"You losers have probably never heard of nunchucks. Unless you've seen the Ninja Turtles, the most popular thing kids were into in the decade this was written."
gellaho
Getting his model helicopter on in Libya
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Is it powered by six twelve volt batteries?
FancyShark
He even assembles models in impossible time. Eat a dick, Don. Eat all the dicks.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
No of course not, its got gas.
gellaho
Sure, sure
FancyShark
😵💫
gellaho
Did you know that Don is friends with stuntmen?
FancyShark
He...he blew up his helicopter to kill someone outside of it while he was in it?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Why he brought along this big ass expensive helicopter if it just launched grenades, he didnt know but it was fucking sweet."
FancyShark
So glad he's using his many, many skills and talents to murder these terrorists
Not like they could've just had some knob with working hands do this
Gentleman Brendan
Wouldn't the compressed air briefcase just blast itselff away from the wall?
Don can't explain things.
gellaho
National Tattler
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And rescue Rabbit, who almost certainly has not been beheaded yet.
FancyShark
The tension of a murderer about to turn on a light
Gentleman Brendan
Did he have any weapons?
No, boss, just a pair of these sticks on a chain.
Good, lock him up. Say, wait--does he know karate?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"OH SHIT THO HONEY BADGER CAN SEE IN THE DARK!"
FancyShark
I do like that his use of nunchucks was described as "flailing". That feels accurate
Gentleman Brendan
Says here his instructor's korean, boss.
All good, then. Koreans don't teach kung fu.
gellaho
Seems legit
FancyShark
See, now that's actually funny
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
So this is just a normal Pornhub threeway.
Gentleman Brendan
Tracker can read newspapers with sonar in the dark.
gellaho
Well, that's going to hurt his model hobby
gellaho
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Noooooo not his sexual harassment fingering hand!
CURSE YOU RATEL!
Gentleman Brendan
Wally had also blown up several condoms and taped them around the room, bearing the message, "HEY TRACKER, I FUCKED YOUR BIRD-WOMAN."
FancyShark
Hands grow back
Gentleman Brendan
Tracker's sonar was not refined enough to read the sharpie.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I cant hate Wally Rampart as a name enough tho.
Gentleman Brendan
So this is some real beefy man stuff: explosions and boobs every few pages. But cripes, at least Steele had a romantic sadness.
FancyShark
Steele at least attempted pathos
Gentleman Brendan
Like he's too manly to cry but also it's because he's no longer a man.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Don left pathos and human emotion in the jungles of the Mekong delta.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
pathos is for nerds give me threesomes beer and giant wooden mallets
gellaho
Simply incomprehensible
Gentleman Brendan
Hawke is using what we writers call narrative irony to trick you, the horny, stupid reader.
FancyShark
Is that accent racist or idiotic?
Gentleman Brendan
Sandanistas vs punk Libyan dictators, GO
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
oh my sweet Satan, the transliterated accent is painful
Captain Ventris (he/him)
Yes
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuck you Don, for writing Pedro like that.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
Oldelpaso.gif
Gentleman Brendan
or...wait teamed up
goEENG
FancyShark
He meant "Spanish" and settled on "Peter Lorre"
gellaho
Seems like Tracker should be dead from this
FancyShark
"You fool. This is my decoy torso."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This is the book equivalent of Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's
Gentleman Brendan
Women want him, men fear him, dogs defy him.
gellaho
Seems fine though
Gentleman Brendan
A rare moment of self-criticism, projected.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
that's so many words to say "no u"
FancyShark
"What thee fuck, ahsshole? I've got a famileee."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Tracker talks big for an asshole with Flava Flav night vision goggles who is tied to a chair.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
and a knife in his chest but I suspect we're going to act like that didn't happen
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And is also getting carved like a Christmas turkey.
gellaho
So, Tracker disposes of his three guards. Meets rabbit, cue reference
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Jesus he killed Yogi! Boo-boo will be heartbroken.
FancyShark
And then they both get shot, right?
Right?
Please?
Gentleman Brendan
Tracker, brevity is the soul of wit. Plainly you have no soul.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Not if their captors have MACs, you cant hit shit with those little fuckers.
FancyShark
Tracker is getting so close to Bhodi Li levels of hate
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You dump the mag and hope for the best.
Gentleman Brendan
I'm starting to think this is a moonlighting comics writer.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
if your friend has recently been stabbed and cut open in their chest, remember to hug them as hard as possible
FancyShark
You're close! He's written a lot of military and cowboy books
Gentleman Brendan
And this big, strong man, he looked at me with tears in his eyes, and he said, Mr. Trump, you have saved my life with your superior punching.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Thats how half black half apache half norwegians become blood brothers.
FancyShark
He is a dump supporter. But you probably guessed that a while ago
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He also did MC some Trump rallies in 2016 so you are 2 for 2.
gellaho
They escape, car chase, and then
Gentleman Brendan
It ain't like these people stray from their template.
FancyShark
The woman didn't need to be there, but Don needed to be creepy again
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
yup he really gets women
Gentleman Brendan
Fuck, I love Donovan Steele so much.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Template is all they have going for them.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
We love to be forcibly restrained, really calms us down
Gentleman Brendan
The only good living Don.
gellaho
Gotta clean up those titties
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also TRACKER STOP FLIRTING WITH THE WOMAN YOU KIND OF KIDNAPPED.
Gentleman Brendan
Hahaha, this is the narccisist's ballad.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Odds on Tracker and Rabbit double teaming this woman?
Gentleman Brendan
We are absolutely going to insert a Tracker into Blacke's world who is a very bad dude that fucks up everything.
LEEROY TRACKER JENKINS
FancyShark
"He didn't kill her, so she was wide open."
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
yeah honestly this looks like the sort of thing I trained to prosecute
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Earlier he woke up from a coma after being burned alive, and immediately flirted with, and fingerblasted a junior officer.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
great no notes
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Who was also his doctor.
gellaho
And now, a long bit on cunnilingus
Gentleman Brendan
is it a CRIME to be so stupidly strong and badass, your honor? When your every action can be misconstrued by some tease who actually wanted it as an implicit threat?
FancyShark
Before that, he threatened some bear cubs and it got the bird lady so hot
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
okay that got me
Gentleman Brendan
Honestly, that's a good quip.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
Tbh I've heard worse arguments
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This woman absolutely speaks english, but is afraid to acknowledge what they are saying.
FancyShark
I hope she bites his dick off
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
he wouldn't even wince
just staple it back on and he's good to go
FancyShark
I'm sorry, I could try for a funnier quip, but I just loathe this character
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
yeah we don't love a rapey protagonist
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Its probably got like a metal rod in it by now.
gellaho
Very realistic
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
what is this, any 80s movie?
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
UwU
Gentleman Brendan
Fathia, being a woman, didn't know what was going on, but laughed anyway. Tracker made a mental note not to intimidate her, for her bell-like peals of Spanish laughter pleased him into knowing he would relish her favors regardless.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
No time for fuck, HELICOPTER!
Gentleman Brendan
How much of Tracker is cyborg now?
Like, obviously he no longer has a real human dick.
FancyShark
At least the gunner was raised with good manners
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Yeah I think most of his soft tissue would have been lost in the car crash.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
oh yeah I've had this line used on me
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Did it work?
FancyShark
Kind of odd the second gunner would fall for the same trick
Gentleman Brendan
But he has no soft tissue, being a man.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
hell yeah who turns down a helicopter ride?
Gentleman Brendan
Father's stern authority beat it out of him.
gellaho
These are words I recognize
gellaho
FancyShark
They're giving each other Starbucks orders
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
the speed of heat
gellaho
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
The Fast and the Furious 14:
FancyShark
<wink, wink>
gellaho
FancyShark
"He's getting worse," the secret service agent said to his colleague. They both watched as the president continued onto the court and swung at the air, calling out to the children that weren't there.
gellaho
Say goodbye to Fathia
gellaho
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
I'm taking that literally
FancyShark
"What about my passport?"
"Do we look like we're made of eggs?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Okay props for putting her down in Rome, Rome sounds like a nice city.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
yeah nothing ever goes wrong in italy
gellaho
Having endeared himself is more important than the AIDS research
gellaho
FancyShark
"AIDS research" means booze
"Muscular Dystrophy Association" also means booze
gellaho
You can't go back for seconds on the beating around the bush joke, Don
gellaho
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuck you Don.
Gentleman Brendan
You can't be President unless you have strong sons to be proud of or a Democrat, who cheated to steal the office.
FancyShark
"I'm saying I'm going to stuff a live bird inside you."
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
not the worst pickup line I've heard
FancyShark
<writing down for later>
Gentleman Brendan
The red-tailed hawk is symbolism.
gellaho
Might as well get the KGB involved in the cunnilingus bits
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
But is it the worst you've heard outside the courtroom?
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
you're asking the right questions
FancyShark
<erasing previous note>
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Natty are you gonna come up for air?" "Naw Fance, ima suck that pussy til your head caves in."
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
"lunch break" shut the fuck up
he's ruining sex
Gentleman Brendan
Bored young men are disgusted by hearing world's most beautiful woman coming feels like the start of a Russian joke.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also those poor KGB men are going to get strangled for eating decadent American foodstuffs like pizza.
Gentleman Brendan
If you eat the imperialist capitalist swine's flatbred, you can no longer be trusted, Yuri.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
To the gulag with you.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
"I need a name for a Russian character and I need it in 0 seconds"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Yuri turn the radio over to Ivan, Little Yuri come and help me set the table, do we have enough napkins? The Dominoes kid never brings any."
FancyShark
Pizza Hut paid Don so much money for the Domino's product placement
Gentleman Brendan
Come, sit, eat good Soviet lavash. Is like pizza but without tomato, cheese, or decadent oregano.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Dominos in the 80s was already like Soviet rations.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
hey don't insult the Soviets like that
FancyShark
Throw away decadent pizza. Pizza box is more flavor anyway.
gellaho
Fake finger tubes
Gentleman Brendan
Suddenly, Tracker punched through the van's wall. "Time to go home, Yuri Gargle-for-air-ing!" he laughed, as he strangled the KGB agent with no intention of releasing him. Fancy, who didn't understand, but was too distracted by Tracker's relentlessly tender pounding, laughed because everyone else was.
FancyShark
Is it fiber glass or nylon, Don? You're the fucking author. Make up your mind.
gellaho
I could try explaining what's happening here, but why bother
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
That finger definitely has a vibrator in it, this is his date finger.
FancyShark
And with that, a Merry Christmas to you all from me, Don Bidell
Gentleman Brendan
Is great Russian joke. After collapse of communism, first US Hut of Pizza make landfall. Can get pizza in 30 minutes. Sadly, must wait 3 weeks for box.
FancyShark
Nothing says comedy like "Joe Piscopo"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Pepsi once traded Soviet Russia Pepsi for an entire naval fleet. Not germane but I think its fucking funny.
PowerThrills
TNG seemed to think so
FancyShark
And they're not on the air anymore. Coincidence?
gellaho
Tracker going back to Libya. He's brought a special vehicle. I have no idea what the fuck it is
gellaho
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Battle balloon? some kind of hovercraft?
One of those weird swamp fan boats?
FancyShark
It's one of those old-timey flying machines that you see in grainy footage. The kind that never left the ground.
gellaho
Is it obvious? You said it looked like a lawnmower before
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Don you are bad at describing things in the abstract, did they not teach you that in the Special Forces?
FancyShark
I hope it's just a riding mower he flipped upside down
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
"it now became obvious" terrible writing cliche
Either you describe it well or you don't
gellaho
What could go wrong
FancyShark
"Only a drooling moron could not understand what I have written."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
BTFOOAI is nothing? Why even label that button.
FancyShark
That seems like a bad system
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
so you hit the button
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Like it takes a real asshole to use an acronym that long for something like that.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
And then you can't move ever
FancyShark
You're basically flying nitroglycerin
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
you live in the seat now, it's all you know
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
Fast and the Furious 15:
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Man and machine as one, but not in the same sense as his rad cyber eyes.
FancyShark
You also don't include articles in acronyms, Don
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Like if centaurs were helicopters, but also exploded.
gellaho
The friendly waving soldiers were obviously a deadly threat that needed to be taken care of
FancyShark
So you read my fanfic
gellaho
Gleefully murder them
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Hahah taste flame, Godless communists!"
FancyShark
Okay, if Tracker is just going all Rambo on anyone he sees regardless of threat, I think I'm in
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"You'll never be old enough to get married now!"
They buried those men the minute they were conscripted anyway.
gellaho
"Please ignore what I wrote previously"
gellaho
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
hey it's their fault for not being born into freedom
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Ohhhhhhh shit they are back in Libya, I for some reason thought they were Russian.
Everything still applies but the burial part.
FancyShark
They're all Mexican flavors as far as Don cares
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
so he smiles when he's saddened
y'know
I'm starting to think this book is ... Kinda stupid?
FancyShark
You have no proof of that
gellaho
Ninja time
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Well that shows hes complex, like explosions are cool, dying and dismembered men and boys not so much.
FancyShark
Fuck you, Don. Hawke gave us ninjas fighting sharks
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also fuck you for dressing him in Ninja pajamas. You didnt earn that Don.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
gee I'm glad he didn't depict ninja unrealistically
gellaho
Maybe that unnecessary attack was a mistake
FancyShark
"Natty was stupid. So stupid. You hear me, Natty?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Man they are really horny for this one Cuban dipshit.
Gentleman Brendan
Spraying alcohol on a Muslim nation. Tracker, you genius, the entire country is haram now.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Like flying this one dude there and back more than once levels of horny.
Don is absolutely the kind of guy who thinks bullets dipped in pigs blood sends Muslims to hell.
gellaho
Weaponry really peaked at blowgun
FancyShark
Don has a personalized autographed copy of Steven Seagal's book
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Tracker, maybe its because sniper rifles and supressors were invented?
Or just like.......air guns.
Or crossbows.
FancyShark
"Then Tracker inhaled the dart and understood"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Or composite bows.
Or Predator drones.
Like most things really.
Most weapons make a blowgun not a first choice.
gellaho
So, he finds The Ratel, but then leaves just to come back the next day
FancyShark
Blowguns are better than blowing the darts directly out of the mouth. That's all the research Don needs
gellaho
Then gets himself captured for... reasons
Gentleman Brendan
Dear God in Christian Heaven, behold the inhumanity of man (me) to man!
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
btw why is this asshole referred to as "the ratel?"
FancyShark
Ratel is some language for "Honey Badger"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Afrikaans I think it said.
Gentleman Brendan
You're automatically a ninja once you reach 15th degree karate kung fu kwae do black belt, or KKK for short.
FancyShark
Which is badass because it ripped open an elephant's junk
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
oh wonderful
gellaho
His brilliant plan foiled by a metal detector enthusiast
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
was considering going by "The Rachel" so
FancyShark
You still can!
gellaho
Naming yourself after a haircut from the 90s is a bold choice
FancyShark
If Don writes a line about not needing any steenking badges, I demand you burn this book
Gentleman Brendan
Really missed a golden opportunity to prove you know the word HUEVOS, Don.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Tracker gets captured alot for an international super spy cyborg.
Gentleman Brendan
Or are eggs too effeminate to describe Tracker's balls?
Tracker owns an infaltable nylon helicopter but couldn't stow a Glock.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He probably has a bomb in his finger.
Or some kind of gun in his asshole.
gellaho
Well, Fancy is here
Gentleman Brendan
Lady, you've been in love with Natty since your panties first fell to the bar floor with a splat.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Been making snail trails all over Gods America, from Alaska to DC.
We noticed.
FancyShark
Women: They only want to make babies
Gentleman Brendan
Her vow to survive is to serve as a reproductive vessel. Possibly even Tracker's if he deems her worthy.
gellaho
This is an elaborate use of the fake finger
FancyShark
He keeps his balls in his finger like a real man
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Called it.
FancyShark
Which means if he got impatient or had to close an elevator quickly, he'd have exploded
gellaho
Seems like you could have done this earlier
FancyShark
The best stories are those where the hero is never in danger
gellaho
Tracker throws the second plastic ball again
Gentleman Brendan
Cyborg Superman vs. a guy who can't hit a target with machine guns in a narrow hallway.
FancyShark
Our hero shoots people in the back like a real man
Cyborg Superman was at least likable
gellaho
I'm sure she's thrilled
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
To be fair the Libyans have MAC-11s, they are lucky to not hit things behind them.
FancyShark
And I say that knowing he committed genocide
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
are we sure this batman stuff is a joke
Gentleman Brendan
In Tracker's world everyone is Robin.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fancy.........put your fucking pants on.
FancyShark
Hence, all the fucking
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Jesus.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
It's starting to seem like tracker got a head injury while watching batman
Gentleman Brendan
Although that's increasingly true in Batman's world as well.
FancyShark
"Oh, Natty!" like any self-respecting woman not in a 1930's movie would say
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
Batman & Robin, the Joel Schumaker one
gellaho
Don't click on this unless you want penis mutilation
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuck.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
insert trans jokes here
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Why is Fancy not the international super spy?
She only got captured once.
FancyShark
She only has Tracker's word that this guy is evil and a rapist?
Gentleman Brendan
I'm not here to judge Fancy, but she's definitely no longer my dream woman.
FancyShark
I hope we get to see her go through Customs
gellaho
Well, I may have skipped some stuff
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
honestly that description makes it sounds like she pulled it off him like a lego
FancyShark
I dunno. I'm still kinda into her.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
can't say the same
gellaho
Anyway, choking on fingers
Gentleman Brendan
Less the revenge than the evil grin.
FancyShark
Okay, yeah, that was fucked up
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Damn.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
hey no one warned me there would be violence against demons
Gentleman Brendan
These two monsters deserve each other. At least there will only be half as many babies now.
FancyShark
What if this has all been a lead-up to the reveal it's the most hardcore Snickers commercial of all time?
Gentleman Brendan
But the babies will be twice as evil.
gellaho
Still naked
FancyShark
Wait, she put the guy's balls and dick in her shirt pockets
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
No she put his dick in his OWN shirt pockets.
FancyShark
OHHHHH
Gentleman Brendan
Naked but for her wtwin guns and also the firearms.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Don failed to make that clear too.
This reads like a Lara Croft fanfic.
FancyShark
I guess that makes more sense. I thought they went in her pockets, hence the Customs joke
Dangit
gellaho
Oopsie
Gentleman Brendan
watching you pull that guy's balls off has made me so horny for you.
oh darling, stuff my throat the way you filled the dead and tortured man's!
FancyShark
"So you're suddenly open to handjobs?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"I remembered to pack my vibrating finger. Guess where I packed it?"
"Hint: It's in my butt."
"Oh Tracker!"
FancyShark
<cue looney tunes credits>
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Freeze frame high five.
gellaho
They freed a political prisoner named Sayyid. Then they all escaped into some sewers
Tracker gets shot but survives due to manhole cover
Gentleman Brendan
how many movies is this book?
FancyShark
ALL OF THEM
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
calling something a hovercopter seems redundant.
You need a different editor Don.
FancyShark
"Editor"?
That's for pussies
Gentleman Brendan
Don't need an editor if you can't ever be wrong.
Having an editor's like admitting to a mistake, which is weakness, which is forbidden.
gellaho
He majestically floats down the toilet water
gellaho
Somehow he's missing for two weeks
Gentleman Brendan
He elected to wallow in sewage for an hour with an open wound, is my takeaway.
FancyShark
Fancy and Natty fuck in the the sewer and create a new genus of herpes
wait
hahahaha
gellaho
Suddenly, scuba gear
FancyShark
If he died of infection in a cutaway, Don might have accidentally made something awesome
oh goddammit
gellaho
Nothing better than fucking in someone's boat
FancyShark
I don't love you, Natty
At least they melted
gellaho
Aaaaand dead
FancyShark
I guess Don finished
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Well we saw that fridge coming.
gellaho
Eh, I got more books to write
FancyShark
"Dammit, she's dead! Better swear to a life of casual sex."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh nooooooo he will be so lonely fingerblasting random doctors he just met.
FancyShark
You mean Doctor Leigh?
Named with all the subtlety of a Goldfinger rough draft
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He broke his thesaurus trying not to name one woman "Pussy Galore"
Gentleman Brendan
Natty can't be pinned down to one woman, so it was better to portray him as the kind of weakling who couldn't protect her.
Gentleman Brendan
Come on, this has to be satire.
gellaho
We spend way too much time getting back to his jet, which can also self-destruct
FancyShark
Jesus Christ, he's fantasizing about her corpse?
Gentleman Brendan
The man who had killed his love got away, but it would have been difficult to pursue him, so Natty vowed, you know what? One day I'll chase this guy.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And he weeps bitter but manly tears about a woman with the name of someones pet cockatoo.
Gentleman Brendan
It's the only way he can cry.
gellaho
Well, that's a respectful burial sure
Gentleman Brendan
Also her soul is trapped in a bodybag
and if you tell anyone he was fucking crying, I SWEAR TO GOD I KILL YOU
FancyShark
For fuck's sake, Don. Why don't you just have her chummed and dumped on Natty's front lawn?
gellaho
Beset by Cubans
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Napalmed her corpse, metal.
Man, you dont send messages to Qaddafi, hes too bugfuck crazy for that. Wally has no idea who hes dealing with.
gellaho
He threw a knife at his door, there's really no way for Qaddafi to know who did that
Gentleman Brendan
This fuckin' guy.
FancyShark
Natty knew the only option was to kill every non-Caucasian male until he got bored
gellaho
Peace with the KGB is possible via voyeurism
FancyShark
Yuri is Dracula. That's bingo!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Got Tracker hes Russian not from fucking Mars.
Gentleman Brendan
Tracker I am never hearing in my life such cries of pleasure as these impossible delights you confer upon Doctor Fanciest of Birdses.
What was lost, in Russia we have saying
OH NO WOMAN ISS DEAD OH WELL
COME WE DRINK
FancyShark
Is funny because you could have save her
Gentleman Brendan
You let guard down, Tracker. Iss her own fault, making you soft.
She die, blame the womans.
FancyShark
Perhaps you save other womans. Father still not love you, but is okay
Gentleman Brendan
Tracker, did you manage to save the bread?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
In Murmansk we have saying: "No use crying over wofl eating your hairy mother." It not translate well.
FancyShark
If not, still have plenty of pizza box left
gellaho
Mr. President, can you please help me with my second Cuban blood vendetta?
Gentleman Brendan
Tracker, I have dispatch 10,000 troops to help you get revenge. But I drop them all in biohazard zone, 9,000 now dead.
No wonder he's a Trump-stumper, he already wrote that fat idiot as president.
FancyShark
They all political dissidents. I should not tell this.
Gentleman Brendan
My president's dick doesn't dispatch weak sons.
FancyShark
I want Miguel to just keep showing up and killing whoever Tracker is talking to, then he wanders off and Tracker gets sadder
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Never bothers to actually hunt him down, just keeps going "Grrr one of these days i wont be bound by my patriotic duty, you godless communist!"
Gentleman Brendan
This guy should write the first drafts of Peacemaker before Gunn makes them ironic.
gellaho
We have successfully defeated Tracker
FancyShark
We did it!
Outstanding work, everybody!
gellaho
So concludes the 62 Edition of the Book Cage
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho !
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
Wow.
gellaho
You can thank me for skipping the rape scene and an incredibly racist subplot about a black professor
FancyShark
fucking hell
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
Thanks, and also fuck you, for letting me be a part of this awful experience.
FancyShark
Thanks for joining us, @Rachel, Swamp Philosopher !
Actually, you can thank me for skipping the fifty or so battle scenes
Gentleman Brendan
Holy shit, this protagonist.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
We do it every week so come back next Friday!
FancyShark
Thank you for sparing us somehow the worst of it, @gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
Maybe feminists' only mistake was calling it toxic masculinity instead of You're Being an Asshole, You Fucking Asshole, Assholes Are Real, Stop Saying This Assholery Doesn't Exist
Rachel, you have been baptized in the blood of America's enemies. How do you feel about your Book Party blooding?
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
I feel... Fancy.
Like a bird.
Gentleman Brendan
NOOOOOO RAAAACHELLLLL
FancyShark
<BANG>
Gentleman Brendan
Eh, I vow to one day find her killer.
gellaho
You know what's weird, I'm pretty sure the next book does not have anything to do with that assassin
FancyShark
Tracker has officially surpassed Bhodi Li as Most Loathsome Protagonist
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
lmao he just Austin Powers'd her in advance
Gentleman Brendan
I bet Don's Twitter feed last week was reaaaaaaal depressing.
gellaho
FancyShark
So what? Everyone's got snipers at the Super Bowl.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
yeah mine are there to get anybody with a John 3:16 sign
FancyShark
Those seats don't come cheap
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
sooooo cliche
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
One of these days Id love to see a really low tech Japanese gang.
Like just a bunch of assholes with swords and knives, and maybe the odd flint axe.
FancyShark
Sticks they found in people's yards
gellaho
I think you'd need a Time Blender
FancyShark
You all have a great night, hotdoggers! See you tomorrow!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Later!
Gentleman Brendan
thanks for the laughs all. back to making the sausage.
