65: Tracker Ron Stillman

gellaho

How's about this

FancyShark

My god, can anything eclipse Tracker's resplendence?

Oh look, a penny

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Boy, Don sure likes making characters compliment his self insert on his manliness.

Gentleman Brendan

This Gary Sue shit

Making the neighborhood safe for cranky old drunks again.

FancyShark

I'm still upset by the idea that a true man leaves piles of used condoms on every surface

gellaho

"I still don't understand"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Don writes like he wants to be John Wayne, except John Wayne was a pussy.

FancyShark

"Hahaha, your lower lip just fell off from necrosis"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also fuck your eye puns, Don.

"Hey Natty, you know you look like old overdone bacon?"

FancyShark

There's a pack of dogs following him everywhere hoping for scraps

gellaho

"Jesus, what's wrong with your eyebrows?"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

That doctor he fingered now smells faintly of burning pork.

FancyShark

"These don't do anything. We just hate you and found a bunch of junk in the trash."

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"We also have some that will make you look like Flava Flav."

gellaho

This is a lot of words for magic seeing sunglasses

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

The IBM computer is like the size of a fucking bus.

FancyShark

Sight via wifi is going to have a few issues

gellaho

Yeah, that's the only problem with that

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

He only sees in Virtual Boy Red now.

gellaho

Hmmm, maybe not the best idea

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Youd think his now delicate connection twixt metal and meat would make doing high G flight.........less feasible.

FancyShark

"Sure, mister. I can sell you a plane. You got eyes behind them glasses, dontcha? HAHA, that's just a little joke! Let's get you flying."

gellaho

OK, but what about this?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also last time he flew a Falcon, now hes in an Eagle?! Just do a Top Gun and let him in a Tomcat you hack.

FancyShark

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

FancyShark

He divorced the car, like a real man

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Okay I did that GIF but now I need Shia to go away.

gellaho

"He got a new contact with Washington. Also: fucking"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Aw, Don.........you know that anyone in the US military above a certain rank only kicks ass in a metaphorical sense.

FancyShark

This book is making me feel dirty about my name

You have a doctorate, Fancy Bird! You should be better than this!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Wally Rampart is so close to being described as a "bear of a man" and I can't even.

Also Wally Rampart.

Fuck you Don.

I see what you did there and fuck you.

gellaho

Even the KGB loves Tracker

gellaho

He's got a big mustache, so he's "The Walrus"

FancyShark

And another chance for some conflict is thwarted

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"in Soviet Russia, spies send pizza to YOU!"

gellaho

THE SUPREME PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR

FancyShark

They decided this because he sexually harassed a doctor?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"And he was kept very busy, because losing nukes was like 60% of what the military did in that era."

gellaho

So his first thing is a drug bust, and who cares

But, uh, Chapter 8 is something else

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Yeah thats a honey badger all right.

Honey badger dont give a shit.

FancyShark

Don must be working through some issues regarding Dumbo

gellaho

The world's intelligence community chose Afrikaans for... some reason

FancyShark

Don looked at a list of Hispanic names and chose "all"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Of course he's Cuban

gellaho

I'm not sure the weight on that works

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Cold War Trope 356b means he HAS to be Cuban.

FancyShark

If only the letter bomb had thought about baseball

gellaho

That is how the Cold War worked, yes

gellaho

It was Cuban, it probably did

Gentleman Brendan

I was converting video of old ads -- what happened after he beat up the toughs?

FancyShark

He became an international private eye

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Onlookers agreed he is a real man as well.

gellaho

Wacky Qaddafi was the name of his sitcom

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Now he does secret squirrel shit for the government.

FancyShark

Also, a honey badger ripped off an elephant's junk

Ohhhhh, and the bad guy is named after the honey badger and the bad guy's a terrorist, so the elephant must symbolize Don's half of America

gellaho

Rabbit's been captured by the Libyans. His reaction is quite strange

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Qaddafi living with Saparmurat Niyazov is so close to Dictator Perfect Strangers.

FancyShark

I'd watch that. At least one season

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Turkmenbashi! You spent the rent money on a golden statue of a horse again?! *Laugh track"

Gentleman Brendan

My understanding is both his eyes became private.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also points to Don for using words like "pussy" and not dancing around it. He sucks but he sucks in a consistent fashion.

FancyShark

"Oopsie daisy!" <canned laughter>

gellaho

Tracker gets coffined into Libya

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Challenge for authors: Write the name of a middle eastern character and it cant be Mohammed or a variant spelling, or Ahmed.

gellaho

OK, OK, OK. So, what about this?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Difficulty: S+ for Don.

FancyShark

FancyShark

I immediately love and respect Natty, as he does for Mohammad

gellaho

Smooth, Tracker. Smooth

FancyShark

The reason Tracker works so well is that not only is he a complex, multi-faceted character, but Don keeps him grounded and relatable

Gentleman Brendan

Omar bin Terrorismu. Hi, I'm popular sci-fi he-man author Don Manballz.

My grandpa was a Don, but this dude is really upholding the idea that all Dons who pass through the hot dog gates suck on a higher level.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Sack......cloth? Like Libyans dont have cotton.

gellaho

Getting my eyes electrocuted makes me tired too

FancyShark

Only Quixote managed to pass the test, and he was fucking bonkers

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Wait he was fucking smuggled into the AO via coffin but still needed to disguise his bullshit gadgets?!

FancyShark

That radar is going to have a range just shy of Bluetooth

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Like someone was gonna open a coffin and find a dude in a oxygen mask and only worry about his shaving cream.

FancyShark

1990's Bluetooth

Gentleman Brendan

My eyes don't sync up to the sonar on the first six tries.

Try closing your eyes and opening them again.

FancyShark

Don't close your eyes suddenly. That's what we call "hard blinking"

gellaho

Having taken off his magic sunglasses, Tracker gets ambushed, then SEALS show up. And it gets weird

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

His eyes make the dial up modem sound at full volume every time he moves too quick

This is very accurate SEAL dialogue, they are all psychos.

FancyShark

Everyone's so chummy at the hostage rescue

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Don's military experience really showing thru here.

Gentleman Brendan

Has he tried defeating the Navy SEALs by making them wear light masks for an hour and a half?

gellaho

The comic book throughline

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

No he's got cyber eyes and is an asshole and is fucking with you.

FancyShark

Don's just flaunting his inability to name Daredevil

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

That isnt how that works.

Fuck you Don, you know that.

Gentleman Brendan

Don is just working through an entire nickel bin of 1981 comics.

FancyShark

Let's not forget that Don allegedly wrote a nonfiction book that was nominated for a 2011 Pulitzer. Let's also not forget that there's no proof of that on the Pulitzer website

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

this is incredible dialogue. so true to life.

pretty sure that's exactly how guys talk

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Especially SEALS.

gellaho

Tracker fantasizes whilst flying

gellaho

By the by, they just kind of left Libya after the SEALS showed up, I'm not sure what the point of that was

FancyShark

That sounds more like melanoma than tanning, Tracker

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Tiny signal in his own eyes" is cyborg talk for "Don Diebel style hypnosis technique"

FancyShark

So glad Don took this long to describe the incredibly hot doctor the flawless hero is fucking

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

in my mind's eye I saw bat-signal shaped pupils

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also again, her name is Fancy Bird.

I cannot stress that enough.

gellaho

Magic glasses upgrade

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Just dont get your eyes wet, they arent sealed yet.

Do NOT take your eyes into the bathroom to play Candy Crush on, you will drop them into the toilet.

FancyShark

How much time has passed since his immolation?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Time is for nerds and non-doctor fingering meat men, not rad cyborg super agents.

gellaho

Seems legit

Gentleman Brendan

Natty and/or Don may be a psycho.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Don was or at least claims he was in Project Pheonix in Vietnam. he is definitely a psycho.

FancyShark

I'm longing for the quiet dignity of Steele

Gentleman Brendan

"She was physically perfect and worked to maintain it, as Don deserve--I MEAN NATTY. NATTY TRACKER."

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Do Communist Cubans Dream of Comic Book Characters?

Gentleman Brendan

Jesus, "She had no fat on her anywhere except for her huge tits and better-than-the-decade's-standards ass. Also she was Marilyn Monroe's doppelganger. Natty thought of her often after other women failed to live up to her standard."

gellaho

I mean, that was bound to be in here

Gentleman Brendan

We're going to have to re-examine the view of women in Colt Blacke if I ever crawl out of this pile of assignments.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Who the fuck ever called them "karate sticks"?

fuck you Don, you made that up.

Gentleman Brendan

Don only knows one martial art and it's ALL OF THEM

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Never once in my 30+ years of nunchaku enthusiasm have I heard them called "karate sticks"

Not even ironically or by accident by a grandpa.

FancyShark

"You losers have probably never heard of nunchucks. Unless you've seen the Ninja Turtles, the most popular thing kids were into in the decade this was written."

gellaho

Getting his model helicopter on in Libya

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Is it powered by six twelve volt batteries?

FancyShark

He even assembles models in impossible time. Eat a dick, Don. Eat all the dicks.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

No of course not, its got gas.

gellaho

Sure, sure

FancyShark

😵‍💫

gellaho

Did you know that Don is friends with stuntmen?

FancyShark

He...he blew up his helicopter to kill someone outside of it while he was in it?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Why he brought along this big ass expensive helicopter if it just launched grenades, he didnt know but it was fucking sweet."

FancyShark

So glad he's using his many, many skills and talents to murder these terrorists

Not like they could've just had some knob with working hands do this

Gentleman Brendan

Wouldn't the compressed air briefcase just blast itselff away from the wall?

Don can't explain things.

gellaho

National Tattler

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

And rescue Rabbit, who almost certainly has not been beheaded yet.

FancyShark

The tension of a murderer about to turn on a light

Gentleman Brendan

Did he have any weapons?

No, boss, just a pair of these sticks on a chain.

Good, lock him up. Say, wait--does he know karate?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"OH SHIT THO HONEY BADGER CAN SEE IN THE DARK!"

FancyShark

I do like that his use of nunchucks was described as "flailing". That feels accurate

Gentleman Brendan

Says here his instructor's korean, boss.

All good, then. Koreans don't teach kung fu.

gellaho

Seems legit

FancyShark

See, now that's actually funny

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

So this is just a normal Pornhub threeway.

Gentleman Brendan

Tracker can read newspapers with sonar in the dark.

gellaho

Well, that's going to hurt his model hobby

gellaho

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Noooooo not his sexual harassment fingering hand!

CURSE YOU RATEL!

Gentleman Brendan

Wally had also blown up several condoms and taped them around the room, bearing the message, "HEY TRACKER, I FUCKED YOUR BIRD-WOMAN."

FancyShark

Hands grow back

Gentleman Brendan

Tracker's sonar was not refined enough to read the sharpie.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

I cant hate Wally Rampart as a name enough tho.

Gentleman Brendan

So this is some real beefy man stuff: explosions and boobs every few pages. But cripes, at least Steele had a romantic sadness.

FancyShark

Steele at least attempted pathos

Gentleman Brendan

Like he's too manly to cry but also it's because he's no longer a man.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Don left pathos and human emotion in the jungles of the Mekong delta.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

pathos is for nerds give me threesomes beer and giant wooden mallets

gellaho

Simply incomprehensible

Gentleman Brendan

Hawke is using what we writers call narrative irony to trick you, the horny, stupid reader.

FancyShark

Is that accent racist or idiotic?

Gentleman Brendan

Sandanistas vs punk Libyan dictators, GO

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

oh my sweet Satan, the transliterated accent is painful

Captain Ventris (he/him)

Yes

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Fuck you Don, for writing Pedro like that.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

Oldelpaso.gif

Gentleman Brendan

or...wait teamed up

goEENG

FancyShark

He meant "Spanish" and settled on "Peter Lorre"

gellaho

Seems like Tracker should be dead from this

FancyShark

"You fool. This is my decoy torso."

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

This is the book equivalent of Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's

Gentleman Brendan

Women want him, men fear him, dogs defy him.

gellaho

Seems fine though

Gentleman Brendan

A rare moment of self-criticism, projected.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

that's so many words to say "no u"

FancyShark

"What thee fuck, ahsshole? I've got a famileee."

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Tracker talks big for an asshole with Flava Flav night vision goggles who is tied to a chair.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

and a knife in his chest but I suspect we're going to act like that didn't happen

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

And is also getting carved like a Christmas turkey.

gellaho

So, Tracker disposes of his three guards. Meets rabbit, cue reference

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Jesus he killed Yogi! Boo-boo will be heartbroken.

FancyShark

And then they both get shot, right?

Right?

Please?

Gentleman Brendan

Tracker, brevity is the soul of wit. Plainly you have no soul.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Not if their captors have MACs, you cant hit shit with those little fuckers.

FancyShark

Tracker is getting so close to Bhodi Li levels of hate

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

You dump the mag and hope for the best.

Gentleman Brendan

I'm starting to think this is a moonlighting comics writer.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

if your friend has recently been stabbed and cut open in their chest, remember to hug them as hard as possible

FancyShark

You're close! He's written a lot of military and cowboy books

Gentleman Brendan

And this big, strong man, he looked at me with tears in his eyes, and he said, Mr. Trump, you have saved my life with your superior punching.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Thats how half black half apache half norwegians become blood brothers.

FancyShark

He is a dump supporter. But you probably guessed that a while ago

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

He also did MC some Trump rallies in 2016 so you are 2 for 2.

gellaho

They escape, car chase, and then

Gentleman Brendan

It ain't like these people stray from their template.

FancyShark

The woman didn't need to be there, but Don needed to be creepy again

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

yup he really gets women

Gentleman Brendan

Fuck, I love Donovan Steele so much.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Template is all they have going for them.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

We love to be forcibly restrained, really calms us down

Gentleman Brendan

The only good living Don.

gellaho

Gotta clean up those titties

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also TRACKER STOP FLIRTING WITH THE WOMAN YOU KIND OF KIDNAPPED.

Gentleman Brendan

Hahaha, this is the narccisist's ballad.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Odds on Tracker and Rabbit double teaming this woman?

Gentleman Brendan

We are absolutely going to insert a Tracker into Blacke's world who is a very bad dude that fucks up everything.

LEEROY TRACKER JENKINS

FancyShark

"He didn't kill her, so she was wide open."

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

yeah honestly this looks like the sort of thing I trained to prosecute

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Earlier he woke up from a coma after being burned alive, and immediately flirted with, and fingerblasted a junior officer.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

great no notes

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Who was also his doctor.

gellaho

And now, a long bit on cunnilingus

Gentleman Brendan

is it a CRIME to be so stupidly strong and badass, your honor? When your every action can be misconstrued by some tease who actually wanted it as an implicit threat?

FancyShark

Before that, he threatened some bear cubs and it got the bird lady so hot

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

okay that got me

Gentleman Brendan

Honestly, that's a good quip.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

Tbh I've heard worse arguments

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

This woman absolutely speaks english, but is afraid to acknowledge what they are saying.

FancyShark

I hope she bites his dick off

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

he wouldn't even wince

just staple it back on and he's good to go

FancyShark

I'm sorry, I could try for a funnier quip, but I just loathe this character

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

yeah we don't love a rapey protagonist

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Its probably got like a metal rod in it by now.

gellaho

Very realistic

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

what is this, any 80s movie?

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

UwU

Gentleman Brendan

Fathia, being a woman, didn't know what was going on, but laughed anyway. Tracker made a mental note not to intimidate her, for her bell-like peals of Spanish laughter pleased him into knowing he would relish her favors regardless.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

No time for fuck, HELICOPTER!

Gentleman Brendan

How much of Tracker is cyborg now?

Like, obviously he no longer has a real human dick.

FancyShark

At least the gunner was raised with good manners

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Yeah I think most of his soft tissue would have been lost in the car crash.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

oh yeah I've had this line used on me

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Did it work?

FancyShark

Kind of odd the second gunner would fall for the same trick

Gentleman Brendan

But he has no soft tissue, being a man.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

hell yeah who turns down a helicopter ride?

Gentleman Brendan

Father's stern authority beat it out of him.

gellaho

These are words I recognize

gellaho

FancyShark

They're giving each other Starbucks orders

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

the speed of heat

gellaho

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

The Fast and the Furious 14:

FancyShark

<wink, wink>

gellaho

FancyShark

"He's getting worse," the secret service agent said to his colleague. They both watched as the president continued onto the court and swung at the air, calling out to the children that weren't there.

gellaho

Say goodbye to Fathia

gellaho

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

I'm taking that literally

FancyShark

"What about my passport?"

"Do we look like we're made of eggs?"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Okay props for putting her down in Rome, Rome sounds like a nice city.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

yeah nothing ever goes wrong in italy

gellaho

Having endeared himself is more important than the AIDS research

gellaho

FancyShark

"AIDS research" means booze

"Muscular Dystrophy Association" also means booze

gellaho

You can't go back for seconds on the beating around the bush joke, Don