65: Tracker Ron Stillman

gellaho

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Fuck you Don.

Gentleman Brendan

You can't be President unless you have strong sons to be proud of or a Democrat, who cheated to steal the office.

FancyShark

"I'm saying I'm going to stuff a live bird inside you."

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

not the worst pickup line I've heard

FancyShark

<writing down for later>

Gentleman Brendan

The red-tailed hawk is symbolism.

gellaho

Might as well get the KGB involved in the cunnilingus bits

gellaho

Gentleman Brendan

But is it the worst you've heard outside the courtroom?

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

you're asking the right questions

FancyShark

<erasing previous note>

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Natty are you gonna come up for air?" "Naw Fance, ima suck that pussy til your head caves in."

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

"lunch break" shut the fuck up

he's ruining sex

Gentleman Brendan

Bored young men are disgusted by hearing world's most beautiful woman coming feels like the start of a Russian joke.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also those poor KGB men are going to get strangled for eating decadent American foodstuffs like pizza.

Gentleman Brendan

If you eat the imperialist capitalist swine's flatbred, you can no longer be trusted, Yuri.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

To the gulag with you.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

"I need a name for a Russian character and I need it in 0 seconds"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Yuri turn the radio over to Ivan, Little Yuri come and help me set the table, do we have enough napkins? The Dominoes kid never brings any."

FancyShark

Pizza Hut paid Don so much money for the Domino's product placement

Gentleman Brendan

Come, sit, eat good Soviet lavash. Is like pizza but without tomato, cheese, or decadent oregano.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Dominos in the 80s was already like Soviet rations.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

hey don't insult the Soviets like that

FancyShark

Throw away decadent pizza. Pizza box is more flavor anyway.

gellaho

Fake finger tubes

Gentleman Brendan

Suddenly, Tracker punched through the van's wall. "Time to go home, Yuri Gargle-for-air-ing!" he laughed, as he strangled the KGB agent with no intention of releasing him. Fancy, who didn't understand, but was too distracted by Tracker's relentlessly tender pounding, laughed because everyone else was.

FancyShark

Is it fiber glass or nylon, Don? You're the fucking author. Make up your mind.

gellaho

I could try explaining what's happening here, but why bother

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

That finger definitely has a vibrator in it, this is his date finger.

FancyShark

And with that, a Merry Christmas to you all from me, Don Bidell

Gentleman Brendan

Is great Russian joke. After collapse of communism, first US Hut of Pizza make landfall. Can get pizza in 30 minutes. Sadly, must wait 3 weeks for box.

FancyShark

Nothing says comedy like "Joe Piscopo"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Pepsi once traded Soviet Russia Pepsi for an entire naval fleet. Not germane but I think its fucking funny.

PowerThrills

TNG seemed to think so

FancyShark

And they're not on the air anymore. Coincidence?

gellaho

Tracker going back to Libya. He's brought a special vehicle. I have no idea what the fuck it is

gellaho

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Battle balloon? some kind of hovercraft?

One of those weird swamp fan boats?

FancyShark

It's one of those old-timey flying machines that you see in grainy footage. The kind that never left the ground.

gellaho

Is it obvious? You said it looked like a lawnmower before

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Don you are bad at describing things in the abstract, did they not teach you that in the Special Forces?

FancyShark

I hope it's just a riding mower he flipped upside down

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

"it now became obvious" terrible writing cliche

Either you describe it well or you don't

gellaho

What could go wrong

FancyShark

"Only a drooling moron could not understand what I have written."

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

BTFOOAI is nothing? Why even label that button.

FancyShark

That seems like a bad system

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

so you hit the button

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Like it takes a real asshole to use an acronym that long for something like that.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

And then you can't move ever

FancyShark

You're basically flying nitroglycerin

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

you live in the seat now, it's all you know

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

Fast and the Furious 15:

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Man and machine as one, but not in the same sense as his rad cyber eyes.

FancyShark

You also don't include articles in acronyms, Don

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Like if centaurs were helicopters, but also exploded.

gellaho

The friendly waving soldiers were obviously a deadly threat that needed to be taken care of

FancyShark

So you read my fanfic

gellaho

Gleefully murder them

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Hahah taste flame, Godless communists!"

FancyShark

Okay, if Tracker is just going all Rambo on anyone he sees regardless of threat, I think I'm in

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"You'll never be old enough to get married now!"

They buried those men the minute they were conscripted anyway.

gellaho

"Please ignore what I wrote previously"

gellaho

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

hey it's their fault for not being born into freedom

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Ohhhhhhh shit they are back in Libya, I for some reason thought they were Russian.

Everything still applies but the burial part.

FancyShark

They're all Mexican flavors as far as Don cares

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

so he smiles when he's saddened

y'know

I'm starting to think this book is ... Kinda stupid?

FancyShark

You have no proof of that

gellaho

Ninja time

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Well that shows hes complex, like explosions are cool, dying and dismembered men and boys not so much.

FancyShark

Fuck you, Don. Hawke gave us ninjas fighting sharks

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also fuck you for dressing him in Ninja pajamas. You didnt earn that Don.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

gee I'm glad he didn't depict ninja unrealistically

gellaho

Maybe that unnecessary attack was a mistake

FancyShark

"Natty was stupid. So stupid. You hear me, Natty?"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Man they are really horny for this one Cuban dipshit.

Gentleman Brendan

Spraying alcohol on a Muslim nation. Tracker, you genius, the entire country is haram now.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Like flying this one dude there and back more than once levels of horny.

Don is absolutely the kind of guy who thinks bullets dipped in pigs blood sends Muslims to hell.

gellaho

Weaponry really peaked at blowgun

FancyShark

Don has a personalized autographed copy of Steven Seagal's book

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Tracker, maybe its because sniper rifles and supressors were invented?

Or just like.......air guns.

Or crossbows.

FancyShark

"Then Tracker inhaled the dart and understood"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Or composite bows.

Or Predator drones.

Like most things really.

Most weapons make a blowgun not a first choice.

gellaho

So, he finds The Ratel, but then leaves just to come back the next day

FancyShark

Blowguns are better than blowing the darts directly out of the mouth. That's all the research Don needs

gellaho

Then gets himself captured for... reasons

Gentleman Brendan

Dear God in Christian Heaven, behold the inhumanity of man (me) to man!

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

btw why is this asshole referred to as "the ratel?"

FancyShark

Ratel is some language for "Honey Badger"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Afrikaans I think it said.

Gentleman Brendan

You're automatically a ninja once you reach 15th degree karate kung fu kwae do black belt, or KKK for short.

FancyShark

Which is badass because it ripped open an elephant's junk

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

oh wonderful

gellaho

His brilliant plan foiled by a metal detector enthusiast

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

was considering going by "The Rachel" so

FancyShark

You still can!

gellaho

Naming yourself after a haircut from the 90s is a bold choice

FancyShark

If Don writes a line about not needing any steenking badges, I demand you burn this book

Gentleman Brendan

Really missed a golden opportunity to prove you know the word HUEVOS, Don.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Tracker gets captured alot for an international super spy cyborg.

Gentleman Brendan

Or are eggs too effeminate to describe Tracker's balls?

Tracker owns an infaltable nylon helicopter but couldn't stow a Glock.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

He probably has a bomb in his finger.

Or some kind of gun in his asshole.

gellaho

Well, Fancy is here

Gentleman Brendan

Lady, you've been in love with Natty since your panties first fell to the bar floor with a splat.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Been making snail trails all over Gods America, from Alaska to DC.

We noticed.

FancyShark

Women: They only want to make babies

Gentleman Brendan

Her vow to survive is to serve as a reproductive vessel. Possibly even Tracker's if he deems her worthy.

gellaho

This is an elaborate use of the fake finger

FancyShark

He keeps his balls in his finger like a real man

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Called it.

FancyShark

Which means if he got impatient or had to close an elevator quickly, he'd have exploded

gellaho

Seems like you could have done this earlier

FancyShark

The best stories are those where the hero is never in danger

gellaho

Tracker throws the second plastic ball again

Gentleman Brendan

Cyborg Superman vs. a guy who can't hit a target with machine guns in a narrow hallway.

FancyShark

Our hero shoots people in the back like a real man

Cyborg Superman was at least likable

gellaho

I'm sure she's thrilled

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

To be fair the Libyans have MAC-11s, they are lucky to not hit things behind them.

FancyShark

And I say that knowing he committed genocide

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

are we sure this batman stuff is a joke

Gentleman Brendan

In Tracker's world everyone is Robin.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Fancy.........put your fucking pants on.

FancyShark

Hence, all the fucking

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Jesus.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

It's starting to seem like tracker got a head injury while watching batman

Gentleman Brendan

Although that's increasingly true in Batman's world as well.

FancyShark

"Oh, Natty!" like any self-respecting woman not in a 1930's movie would say

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

Batman & Robin, the Joel Schumaker one

gellaho

Don't click on this unless you want penis mutilation

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Fuck.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

insert trans jokes here

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Why is Fancy not the international super spy?

She only got captured once.

FancyShark

She only has Tracker's word that this guy is evil and a rapist?

Gentleman Brendan

I'm not here to judge Fancy, but she's definitely no longer my dream woman.

FancyShark

I hope we get to see her go through Customs

gellaho

Well, I may have skipped some stuff

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

honestly that description makes it sounds like she pulled it off him like a lego

FancyShark

I dunno. I'm still kinda into her.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

can't say the same

gellaho

Anyway, choking on fingers

Gentleman Brendan

Less the revenge than the evil grin.

FancyShark

Okay, yeah, that was fucked up

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Damn.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

hey no one warned me there would be violence against demons

Gentleman Brendan

These two monsters deserve each other. At least there will only be half as many babies now.

FancyShark

What if this has all been a lead-up to the reveal it's the most hardcore Snickers commercial of all time?

Gentleman Brendan

But the babies will be twice as evil.

gellaho

Still naked

FancyShark

Wait, she put the guy's balls and dick in her shirt pockets

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

No she put his dick in his OWN shirt pockets.

FancyShark

OHHHHH

Gentleman Brendan

Naked but for her wtwin guns and also the firearms.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Don failed to make that clear too.

This reads like a Lara Croft fanfic.

FancyShark

I guess that makes more sense. I thought they went in her pockets, hence the Customs joke

Dangit

gellaho

Oopsie

Gentleman Brendan

watching you pull that guy's balls off has made me so horny for you.

oh darling, stuff my throat the way you filled the dead and tortured man's!

FancyShark

"So you're suddenly open to handjobs?"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"I remembered to pack my vibrating finger. Guess where I packed it?"

"Hint: It's in my butt."

"Oh Tracker!"

FancyShark

<cue looney tunes credits>

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Freeze frame high five.

gellaho

They freed a political prisoner named Sayyid. Then they all escaped into some sewers

Tracker gets shot but survives due to manhole cover

Gentleman Brendan

how many movies is this book?

FancyShark

ALL OF THEM

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

calling something a hovercopter seems redundant.

You need a different editor Don.

FancyShark

"Editor"?

That's for pussies

Gentleman Brendan

Don't need an editor if you can't ever be wrong.

Having an editor's like admitting to a mistake, which is weakness, which is forbidden.

gellaho

He majestically floats down the toilet water

gellaho

Somehow he's missing for two weeks

Gentleman Brendan

He elected to wallow in sewage for an hour with an open wound, is my takeaway.

FancyShark

Fancy and Natty fuck in the the sewer and create a new genus of herpes

wait

hahahaha

gellaho

Suddenly, scuba gear

FancyShark

If he died of infection in a cutaway, Don might have accidentally made something awesome

oh goddammit

gellaho

Nothing better than fucking in someone's boat

FancyShark

I don't love you, Natty

At least they melted

gellaho

Aaaaand dead

FancyShark

I guess Don finished

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Well we saw that fridge coming.

gellaho

Eh, I got more books to write

FancyShark

"Dammit, she's dead! Better swear to a life of casual sex."

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Oh nooooooo he will be so lonely fingerblasting random doctors he just met.

FancyShark

You mean Doctor Leigh?

Named with all the subtlety of a Goldfinger rough draft

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

He broke his thesaurus trying not to name one woman "Pussy Galore"

Gentleman Brendan

Natty can't be pinned down to one woman, so it was better to portray him as the kind of weakling who couldn't protect her.

Gentleman Brendan

Come on, this has to be satire.

gellaho

We spend way too much time getting back to his jet, which can also self-destruct

FancyShark

Jesus Christ, he's fantasizing about her corpse?

Gentleman Brendan

The man who had killed his love got away, but it would have been difficult to pursue him, so Natty vowed, you know what? One day I'll chase this guy.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

And he weeps bitter but manly tears about a woman with the name of someones pet cockatoo.

Gentleman Brendan

It's the only way he can cry.

gellaho

Well, that's a respectful burial sure

Gentleman Brendan

Also her soul is trapped in a bodybag

and if you tell anyone he was fucking crying, I SWEAR TO GOD I KILL YOU

FancyShark

For fuck's sake, Don. Why don't you just have her chummed and dumped on Natty's front lawn?

gellaho

Beset by Cubans

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Napalmed her corpse, metal.

Man, you dont send messages to Qaddafi, hes too bugfuck crazy for that. Wally has no idea who hes dealing with.

gellaho

He threw a knife at his door, there's really no way for Qaddafi to know who did that

Gentleman Brendan

This fuckin' guy.

FancyShark

Natty knew the only option was to kill every non-Caucasian male until he got bored

gellaho

Peace with the KGB is possible via voyeurism

FancyShark

Yuri is Dracula. That's bingo!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Got Tracker hes Russian not from fucking Mars.

Gentleman Brendan

Tracker I am never hearing in my life such cries of pleasure as these impossible delights you confer upon Doctor Fanciest of Birdses.

What was lost, in Russia we have saying

OH NO WOMAN ISS DEAD OH WELL

COME WE DRINK

FancyShark

Is funny because you could have save her

Gentleman Brendan

You let guard down, Tracker. Iss her own fault, making you soft.

She die, blame the womans.

FancyShark

Perhaps you save other womans. Father still not love you, but is okay

Gentleman Brendan

Tracker, did you manage to save the bread?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

In Murmansk we have saying: "No use crying over wofl eating your hairy mother." It not translate well.

FancyShark

If not, still have plenty of pizza box left

gellaho

Mr. President, can you please help me with my second Cuban blood vendetta?

Gentleman Brendan

Tracker, I have dispatch 10,000 troops to help you get revenge. But I drop them all in biohazard zone, 9,000 now dead.

No wonder he's a Trump-stumper, he already wrote that fat idiot as president.

FancyShark

They all political dissidents. I should not tell this.

Gentleman Brendan

My president's dick doesn't dispatch weak sons.

FancyShark

I want Miguel to just keep showing up and killing whoever Tracker is talking to, then he wanders off and Tracker gets sadder

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Never bothers to actually hunt him down, just keeps going "Grrr one of these days i wont be bound by my patriotic duty, you godless communist!"

Gentleman Brendan

This guy should write the first drafts of Peacemaker before Gunn makes them ironic.

gellaho

We have successfully defeated Tracker

FancyShark

We did it!

Outstanding work, everybody!

gellaho

So concludes the 62 Edition of the Book Cage

FancyShark

Thank you, @gellaho !

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

Wow.

gellaho

You can thank me for skipping the rape scene and an incredibly racist subplot about a black professor

FancyShark

fucking hell

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

Thanks, and also fuck you, for letting me be a part of this awful experience.

FancyShark

Thanks for joining us, @Rachel, Swamp Philosopher !

Thank you, too, @Gentleman Brendan and @Karate Physics Flippant Sausage !

gellaho

Actually, you can thank me for skipping the fifty or so battle scenes

Gentleman Brendan

Holy shit, this protagonist.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

We do it every week so come back next Friday!

FancyShark

Thank you for sparing us somehow the worst of it, @gellaho

Gentleman Brendan

Maybe feminists' only mistake was calling it toxic masculinity instead of You're Being an Asshole, You Fucking Asshole, Assholes Are Real, Stop Saying This Assholery Doesn't Exist

Rachel, you have been baptized in the blood of America's enemies. How do you feel about your Book Party blooding?

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

I feel... Fancy.

Like a bird.

Gentleman Brendan

NOOOOOO RAAAACHELLLLL

FancyShark

<BANG>

Gentleman Brendan

Eh, I vow to one day find her killer.

gellaho

You know what's weird, I'm pretty sure the next book does not have anything to do with that assassin

FancyShark

Tracker has officially surpassed Bhodi Li as Most Loathsome Protagonist

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

lmao he just Austin Powers'd her in advance

Gentleman Brendan

I bet Don's Twitter feed last week was reaaaaaaal depressing.

gellaho

FancyShark

So what? Everyone's got snipers at the Super Bowl.

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

yeah mine are there to get anybody with a John 3:16 sign

FancyShark

Those seats don't come cheap

Rachel, Swamp Philosopher

sooooo cliche

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

One of these days Id love to see a really low tech Japanese gang.

Like just a bunch of assholes with swords and knives, and maybe the odd flint axe.

FancyShark

Sticks they found in people's yards

gellaho

I think you'd need a Time Blender

FancyShark

You all have a great night, hotdoggers! See you tomorrow!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Later!

Gentleman Brendan

thanks for the laughs all. back to making the sausage.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

D.......dad?!