We continue Ladies' Month this week with a trip to Space France. This book is couldn't be more French even if it were written in French on a baguette by a beret wearing frog. Travel with Emile Saint-Just on a voyage into the unknown. Make sure you bring plenty of real champagne this Friday 5pm Eastern as we read S. N. Lewitt's Blind Justice.
YES
Oh my god that man is French hunky
HELL YES
He looks like Valerian did in the books.
@Brockway pin this, or I will wrestle you over a patisserie case filled with French deserts.
Djonin, you have no conception of how French this book is
Written by a real French chick*
*American college professor
Unless you already saw excerpts
Hold up, those are stone gothic buildings covered in lichen but with sci fi light globes in the roof.
I am very excited about this one
It's going to be awful
I don't know if that cover even matters, everything I've seen is just a collection of French concepts
See the first paragraph
Author of what
Ahahaha good catch
bring me Hammer's Slammers
Oh yeah right this is the book about Justice where the character is named Just and they repeat Justice tropes every 30 seconds
Taking revenge on the* Event Horizon *is the best retelling of Moby Dick sci-fi is going to give us.
Coming up at 5 pm, it's the French ramblings of the francophile S. N. Lewitt aka Shariann Lewitt. Make sure to hum La Marseillaise while reading.
He hates pain? Wait, I hate pain too! He's so relatable!
Just for a visual, this is Shariann
It's what you want in a hero
Apparently I have a preconceived notion of what a Francophile looks like. She is not it.
Hon hon hon
I hope that's Mountain Dew, just to keep it classy
But if not
I'd be more in theme with the French connection, but work banned officers from carrying softknifes
I feel so much space ennui
What can one do when faced against the void of- wait, Dancing Vac?
This book is a little longer than the others we've done, so we'll go until how French it is stops being funny
I love someone getting choked up about people not appreciating wine
Meanwhile, entire continents battle for a clean water supply
Are all books just secretly about eating and I just noticed it with the Hardy Boys?
Some of the books you've found have definitely gotten pornographic about it
Normally, you'd use this kind of setting to establish your hero's used to a cushy, pampered life before throwing them out into the real world
But I suspect that's not going to happen here
The eternal French Academy
I think all the eating in this case is to emphasize the frenchness of the situation.
To hell with human rights, medicine, and indoor plumbing. The great eternal is the French Academy
God bless the Academie, forcing people to speak French forever
Holy shit this feels hate crime levels of stereotypical french.
And this is only 1.25 pages
This was written by a Frogaboo and not an actual french person, right?
She be American
I guess I have to look up what flic means
Please let this be a novel about someone bringing BBQ to France
Having to learn a second language is the most frightening idea.
I feel like italics are being used inconsistently.
Flics means cops
Not like...hitting earth at infinite mass.
It'd be far too provincial to use English in this book, obviously
Sack ray blur
I have literally read terrible weeb fanfic that uses less loanwords.
I think this is a record.
Yeah, this is obtuse even when it sticks to real syntax.
Was this book written by the vampire Lestat? It's preening its own feathers.
Check the redhead checkbox. It must be checked for every book
This is making Megatokyo look like Birth of a Nation.
Like I get we're sort of laughing at the attitudes of this over-the-shoulder first-via-third-person narrator.
Yeah. I'm coping with it so far by imagining someone recounting this at a party to a parade of uninterested people
I can't stop hearing the ratatouille soundtrack
This is exactly how I ended up throwing The Cat Who Walks Through Walls across the room on page 8.
Uncivilized taxes
Oh dear, French libertarians.
Good heavens, the very nerve
I think she meant self-sufficient colonies.
Hon hon hon, who needs le roads
The Justica sure seem like they hve this civilization thing down pat.
This is true. Who would allow such feeble poors to walk where the aristocracy tread?
If they were playing Civ, they would be winning.
I'm glad they didn't let a bunch of beheadings change how they see the world
Arrogant redhead is slang for They Gon' Bone
This is a lot of words to not explain what sadece senin does
awwww yeeeeaaaah
Can you imagine what it takes to be the arrogant one on this ship?
Oh my fucking god that first paragraph had so many proper nouns and made up plants that my eyes glazed over.
Wait so now we're in the Justica POV?
Gotta make sure to get the Brit bashing in there
"Societies can't function without heroin" is my takeaway.
I...think we're following Emile through basic training?
That's a lot of words to say "legally distinct from melange".
It's only melange if it's harvested on Arakkis
Otherwise it's sparkling spice
I dunno, that British lady and her ship both sound too principled to be called a whore. Unless we mean a literal sex worker, which is a different connotation.
That famous tsunami of '39, with its well-documented effects
or Denotation, que sera sera.
Whore is a moderately respectful appellation for a non French woman in French.
Probably
"Doughnuts and haughty bitches" sounds like a righteous Saturday.
Ginger Galatean who barely notices him.
They gon fuk
He's been staring at screens. Riveting stuff
Dammit, Emile. I've been down this road. Move on. MOVE ON!
That's definitely the translated title of a French indie film
No-nonsense women in command positions are famous for sleeping with their direct reports.
So, they've been discovered. And we get this puzzling description of Michel
hahaha, what?
"She was probably into him because she gave no indication of being into him."
Crossed his eyes eloquently
un moron certifique
Did they get their idea of French mannerisms from Monty Python
I would kill for this woman to explain anything
I guess he said a lot with his look? I dunno, I'm too tired to make an obvious Jerry Lewis joke.
Clochards means bums
Oh man I can't wait to see what a soft knife is and how it's not just a taser.
Softknife means sci-fi bullshit
French subscribers should turn their decoder rings to "baguette" to fully enjoy the references in this story
Even though it's almost certainly a taser.
softknife made of sponge.
It's going to be some non lethal nerve stim subdual weapon.
What page are we on that we are still getting these redshirts' backstory?
I mean, maybe, I don't know what this is describing
"hon hon hon, le soft knife penetrates l'ashield"
So it's just a loose power cable
but, like, with a battery
Almost certainly.
I'm an expert on sci fi hand waving tech that sounds like a cool idea in the 80s or before.
"Mademoiselle, do you think my bum fight scars are sexy?"
"Le hobo fights are the arena of gentlemen"
Oh shit if it's scarring him it might be a vibro blade except made of loose wires that buzz
They're hiding behind silk, because of course they are
oh hell, he's already saying "I'll show her!"
SOFTKNIFE
Softknife sounds more dignified than "tiny cyber scourge" or "cat o nine electro tails"
Then, she skips the fight and he's in a cell
His arm's gone?
I don't know, she's mentioned this cuff a couple of times
Dude fucking PARTIES!
I don't know what it is, it seems to open doors
I think Dib'Muad keeps his crisknife on an arm sheath
Laisse les filles tomber avec le softknife
Jean-Paul Atredies
Speak French, old man
oh good. Numbers on the arm
Have we even gotten introduced to the cuff?
He just fuckin took a nap
THAT doesn't have any sinister connotations
In France?
I guess that's a description for hair
A defeated flag. No. No. The joke is too easy.
"Frenchman detests smell of antibacterial spray" is a hell of a wink to the reader.
He was running down a corridor and it was banging on the walls, then he opened a door with it
Hon hon hon, what is this? Deodorant?
I think he said something about the cuff with the red head earlier too
Only traders can wear one.
I'm glad Emile told us how her hair is doing
Take me to ze manager
A Frenchman afraid to do something?
GASP, he can't prove he's rich!
Hahaha, she called him lil bro, he's never getting in there.
Ten years hard labor
Unless...
"You can't take my cuff! You 'ave not ze right! My only identity is trading farting flowers!"
Wears an earring, of course
Ten years! Sacre bleu! Zeh better have acceptable wine and silk!
What is zis, prison?
L'eincelle
I bet the toilet paper is only three-ply
Only a spoon!? And no bread!? Zis is an outrage!
He is without pain
Prison is sauvage. Ze uniforms 'ave no zense of etyle!
Celiac disease: the novel
me reading this
He has trouble recognizing anything that isn't baguette shaped as bread.
You know who would tell the Justica to go fuck themselves? Don Karnage.
We gonna explain what the green veins are or why they are dangerous? No? Cool
This is an ice mining colony
I'm not sure there's a less dangerous form of mining out there
What's green that they're getting out of the ice
"Christmas cake is made out of nails and bedsheets here, because prison"
ounobtaniumme
In a flashback we learn that ship's AIs are baptized
Sounds like some kind of photosensitive radiation that has a baffling purpose?
Like radar baffling.
But also the first way that sounds.
Non!
Because I guess some roboAdam and roboEve committed original cybersin
This might be a translation error for christening.
The green veins are where they get antifreeze for the wines.
The writer's American!
Unfortunately the author is American
Sounds like a great doctor
Sure, checks out
Normally you gotta pay extra for an ice tug
Fuck you, there was not a Pauli Tree
Fuck me, that's not how Chinese names work.
"Go screw, Justica."
Wait CATherine runs the SyndiCAT
Terrible take a lap
Generally speaking, Chinese names are a monosyllabic first name and a bisylabic last name.
Is she also the doctor or does the doctor not have a name?
Xi Xinping, Lee Beifong, etc
This author is determined to prove she went overseas and didn't spend her senior year watching a bunch of perfume commercials
@Wolfbang Howlbig friend of yours?
So Lee Xichu is more likely.
She's the doctor. And a mad scientist?
Asian character described as wizened by arrogant French stinklord, film at 11.
Hey there, Ice
"There was Bob Yeehaw, an American from the former territory of Texico. He carried a lasso and played harmonica to pass the ice time."
Standoffish and unsocial, desiring their own worlds. Truly the opposite of the French
Look, when a fox goes to prison and is called "fox", it means he's unusually butch for a fox. So it checks out he's not the one giving brain.
YAY, we have an Ice!
WOOO! ICE!
Welcome back, you crown prince of ice-hell!
Ice be beefy
I love book nights.
I often think of hot pink and yellow as intimidating
How are his lats?
It's a terribly constructed sentence, but I think Lee Xi Chu and the doctor are separate people.
The hounds sacrifice their teeth for tattoos
But, hear me out, what if we added turquoise?
Sounds like the 90s
Shit you're not supposed to leave Fox and Chicken together, you're supposed to leave Grain with Fox
@public jakesy no. 1 we done got a big Ice boy
How the fuck do you get the nickname Chicken in prison?
"Meat-paws"?
Hmmmmmmm
uhhh
Handjobs.
I have no idea what happened in this interaction
They were going to softknife fight and then it just ends
The Hound fights the Mountain, not the Frenchman
LETS HIT THOSE SHOWERS
That's all I can think of when Ice claps his back.
Our hero, swearing he'd think up a retort for next time
God the hero is such a whuss
Even the guy in Psychodrome had more balls than Emile
Justica, the "you think yer better'n us?" empire
Another swipe at the elites, from the guy complaining prison is grody
Wait hang on
Who don't the Justica like?
Do they not like race mixing?
Anyone who's not mixed ra- oooohhh shiiiiiit
Oh god. The Justica are globalists
The Justica are what, here, the Romans by way of the English?
They're Alex Jones Globalists.
They're French, though, aren't they?
French Alex Jones Globalists
In what way is this a knife?
It's a whip?
Emile is the only one in the prison who speaks English besides Gorvitz
Yeah. Looks like it's a laser whip.
Presumably when charged it cuts things. When uncharged, it's soft.
Soft knife
Okay, laser whip is actually kinda badass
You need to think more like a dipshit when naming sci fi weapons.
Hey, I called it!
Turns out new guy's a narc
Lady refuses to say cops or bums, but narc is A-OK
Well, in French, "narc" translates to "English whore"
Then Emile and the narc have a Zero-G fight in the gym
Which seems like a bad thing for a prison to have
The whole series is predicated on smuggling narcotics and they're called sedian sedan sepia.
Wait why the fuck would the gym be zero g?
That's the one place you absolutely need gravity
I'm no expert in the ways of the softknife but making a cat'o'nine whose instant-death points are on easily swayed fiber optics seems like a dumb idea in zero G.
They have a prisoner that just isn't making progress in his lifts. They did this to help him out.
Does Emile heroically whip the unarmed, dark-skinned man?
You bet your ass he does
oh hell
And he blinded him
Like a hero
Apparently this narc gave up their ship. I'm still not sure how they figured that out, but there you go
Is this officially the worst hero we've had in any of these readings?
He's the biggest pussy by far.
Wait actually one of the Hardy Boys might beat him.
Frank would genuinely beat him. Joe would call him too soft on women.
Then exploded him while thinking about eclairs
Bhodi's still out there
Yeah, but it's still early
Not French!? Unthinkable!
GASP
Jacques Cher named himself sarcastically and was shocked it wasn't questioned
So did "Lee Xi Chu", who was Vietnamese.
"I...I was just testing you guys. You're seriously not batting an eye?"
Dude stole some paintings
Then Emile's father drunkenly fell over a railing
