The Justica stole his ship, his friends, and ten years of his life. Now it's time to even the score.
Archive
gellaho
We continue Ladies' Month this week with a trip to Space France. This book is couldn't be more French even if it were written in French on a baguette by a beret wearing frog. Travel with Emile Saint-Just on a voyage into the unknown. Make sure you bring plenty of real champagne this Friday 5pm Eastern as we read S. N. Lewitt's Blind Justice.
gellaho
public jakesy no. 1
YES
Wolfbang Howlbig
Oh my god that man is French hunky
FancyShark
HELL YES
Wolfbang Howlbig
He looks like Valerian did in the books.
gellaho
@Brockway pin this, or I will wrestle you over a patisserie case filled with French deserts.
FancyShark
Djonin, you have no conception of how French this book is
public jakesy no. 1
Written by a real French chick*
*American college professor
FancyShark
Unless you already saw excerpts
Wolfbang Howlbig
Hold up, those are stone gothic buildings covered in lichen but with sci fi light globes in the roof.
public jakesy no. 1
I am very excited about this one
It's going to be awful
gellaho
I don't know if that cover even matters, everything I've seen is just a collection of French concepts
See the first paragraph
Wolfbang Howlbig
Author of what
public jakesy no. 1
Ahahaha good catch
Wolfbang Howlbig
bring me Hammer's Slammers
public jakesy no. 1
Oh yeah right this is the book about Justice where the character is named Just and they repeat Justice tropes every 30 seconds
Gentleman Brendan
Taking revenge on the* Event Horizon *is the best retelling of Moby Dick sci-fi is going to give us.
gellaho
Coming up at 5 pm, it's the French ramblings of the francophile S. N. Lewitt aka Shariann Lewitt. Make sure to hum La Marseillaise while reading.
FancyShark
He hates pain? Wait, I hate pain too! He's so relatable!
gellaho
Just for a visual, this is Shariann
gellaho
It's what you want in a hero
John
Apparently I have a preconceived notion of what a Francophile looks like. She is not it.
gellaho
Hon hon hon
FancyShark
I hope that's Mountain Dew, just to keep it classy
But if not
Wolfbang Howlbig
I'd be more in theme with the French connection, but work banned officers from carrying softknifes
gellaho
I feel so much space ennui
FancyShark
What can one do when faced against the void of- wait, Dancing Vac?
gellaho
This book is a little longer than the others we've done, so we'll go until how French it is stops being funny
I love someone getting choked up about people not appreciating wine
FancyShark
Meanwhile, entire continents battle for a clean water supply
gellaho
Are all books just secretly about eating and I just noticed it with the Hardy Boys?
FancyShark
Some of the books you've found have definitely gotten pornographic about it
Normally, you'd use this kind of setting to establish your hero's used to a cushy, pampered life before throwing them out into the real world
But I suspect that's not going to happen here
gellaho
The eternal French Academy
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I think all the eating in this case is to emphasize the frenchness of the situation.
FancyShark
To hell with human rights, medicine, and indoor plumbing. The great eternal is the French Academy
gellaho
God bless the Academie, forcing people to speak French forever
Wolfbang Howlbig
Holy shit this feels hate crime levels of stereotypical french.
gellaho
And this is only 1.25 pages
Wolfbang Howlbig
This was written by a Frogaboo and not an actual french person, right?
gellaho
She be American
I guess I have to look up what flic means
FancyShark
Please let this be a novel about someone bringing BBQ to France
Gentleman Brendan
Having to learn a second language is the most frightening idea.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I feel like italics are being used inconsistently.
gellaho
Flics means cops
Gentleman Brendan
Not like...hitting earth at infinite mass.
gellaho
It'd be far too provincial to use English in this book, obviously
FancyShark
Sack ray blur
Wolfbang Howlbig
I have literally read terrible weeb fanfic that uses less loanwords.
I think this is a record.
Gentleman Brendan
Yeah, this is obtuse even when it sticks to real syntax.
Was this book written by the vampire Lestat? It's preening its own feathers.
gellaho
Check the redhead checkbox. It must be checked for every book
Wolfbang Howlbig
This is making Megatokyo look like Birth of a Nation.
Gentleman Brendan
Like I get we're sort of laughing at the attitudes of this over-the-shoulder first-via-third-person narrator.
FancyShark
Yeah. I'm coping with it so far by imagining someone recounting this at a party to a parade of uninterested people
Wolfbang Howlbig
I can't stop hearing the ratatouille soundtrack
Gentleman Brendan
This is exactly how I ended up throwing The Cat Who Walks Through Walls across the room on page 8.
gellaho
Uncivilized taxes
Wolfbang Howlbig
Oh dear, French libertarians.
FancyShark
Good heavens, the very nerve
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I think she meant self-sufficient colonies.
Wolfbang Howlbig
Hon hon hon, who needs le roads
Gentleman Brendan
The Justica sure seem like they hve this civilization thing down pat.
FancyShark
This is true. Who would allow such feeble poors to walk where the aristocracy tread?
Gentleman Brendan
If they were playing Civ, they would be winning.
FancyShark
I'm glad they didn't let a bunch of beheadings change how they see the world
Gentleman Brendan
Arrogant redhead is slang for They Gon' Bone
gellaho
This is a lot of words to not explain what sadece senin does
gellaho
FancyShark
awwww yeeeeaaaah
Gentleman Brendan
Can you imagine what it takes to be the arrogant one on this ship?
Wolfbang Howlbig
Oh my fucking god that first paragraph had so many proper nouns and made up plants that my eyes glazed over.
Gentleman Brendan
Wait so now we're in the Justica POV?
gellaho
Gotta make sure to get the Brit bashing in there
Gentleman Brendan
"Societies can't function without heroin" is my takeaway.
FancyShark
I...think we're following Emile through basic training?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That's a lot of words to say "legally distinct from melange".
Wolfbang Howlbig
It's only melange if it's harvested on Arakkis
Otherwise it's sparkling spice
Gentleman Brendan
I dunno, that British lady and her ship both sound too principled to be called a whore. Unless we mean a literal sex worker, which is a different connotation.
FancyShark
That famous tsunami of '39, with its well-documented effects
Gentleman Brendan
or Denotation, que sera sera.
Wolfbang Howlbig
Whore is a moderately respectful appellation for a non French woman in French.
gellaho
Probably
Gentleman Brendan
"Doughnuts and haughty bitches" sounds like a righteous Saturday.
Wolfbang Howlbig
Ginger Galatean who barely notices him.
They gon fuk
gellaho
He's been staring at screens. Riveting stuff
FancyShark
Dammit, Emile. I've been down this road. Move on. MOVE ON!
Wolfbang Howlbig
That's definitely the translated title of a French indie film
Gentleman Brendan
No-nonsense women in command positions are famous for sleeping with their direct reports.
gellaho
So, they've been discovered. And we get this puzzling description of Michel
FancyShark
hahaha, what?
Gentleman Brendan
"She was probably into him because she gave no indication of being into him."
Wolfbang Howlbig
Crossed his eyes eloquently
Gentleman Brendan
un moron certifique
Wolfbang Howlbig
Did they get their idea of French mannerisms from Monty Python
gellaho
I would kill for this woman to explain anything
Gentleman Brendan
I guess he said a lot with his look? I dunno, I'm too tired to make an obvious Jerry Lewis joke.
gellaho
Clochards means bums
Wolfbang Howlbig
Oh man I can't wait to see what a soft knife is and how it's not just a taser.
gellaho
Softknife means sci-fi bullshit
FancyShark
French subscribers should turn their decoder rings to "baguette" to fully enjoy the references in this story
Wolfbang Howlbig
Even though it's almost certainly a taser.
Gentleman Brendan
softknife made of sponge.
Wolfbang Howlbig
It's going to be some non lethal nerve stim subdual weapon.
Gentleman Brendan
What page are we on that we are still getting these redshirts' backstory?
gellaho
I mean, maybe, I don't know what this is describing
Wolfbang Howlbig
"hon hon hon, le soft knife penetrates l'ashield"
FancyShark
So it's just a loose power cable
but, like, with a battery
Wolfbang Howlbig
Almost certainly.
I'm an expert on sci fi hand waving tech that sounds like a cool idea in the 80s or before.
gellaho
"Mademoiselle, do you think my bum fight scars are sexy?"
FancyShark
"Le hobo fights are the arena of gentlemen"
Wolfbang Howlbig
Oh shit if it's scarring him it might be a vibro blade except made of loose wires that buzz
gellaho
They're hiding behind silk, because of course they are
FancyShark
oh hell, he's already saying "I'll show her!"
Gentleman Brendan
SOFTKNIFE
Wolfbang Howlbig
Softknife sounds more dignified than "tiny cyber scourge" or "cat o nine electro tails"
gellaho
Then, she skips the fight and he's in a cell
FancyShark
His arm's gone?
gellaho
I don't know, she's mentioned this cuff a couple of times
FancyShark
Dude fucking PARTIES!
gellaho
I don't know what it is, it seems to open doors
Wolfbang Howlbig
I think Dib'Muad keeps his crisknife on an arm sheath
Gentleman Brendan
Laisse les filles tomber avec le softknife
Wolfbang Howlbig
Jean-Paul Atredies
gellaho
Speak French, old man
FancyShark
oh good. Numbers on the arm
Gentleman Brendan
Have we even gotten introduced to the cuff?
Wolfbang Howlbig
He just fuckin took a nap
FancyShark
THAT doesn't have any sinister connotations
Wolfbang Howlbig
In France?
gellaho
I guess that's a description for hair
Wolfbang Howlbig
A defeated flag. No. No. The joke is too easy.
Gentleman Brendan
"Frenchman detests smell of antibacterial spray" is a hell of a wink to the reader.
gellaho
He was running down a corridor and it was banging on the walls, then he opened a door with it
Wolfbang Howlbig
Hon hon hon, what is this? Deodorant?
gellaho
I think he said something about the cuff with the red head earlier too
Gentleman Brendan
Only traders can wear one.
FancyShark
I'm glad Emile told us how her hair is doing
gellaho
Take me to ze manager
FancyShark
A Frenchman afraid to do something?
GASP, he can't prove he's rich!
Gentleman Brendan
Hahaha, she called him lil bro, he's never getting in there.
gellaho
Ten years hard labor
FancyShark
Unless...
Gentleman Brendan
"You can't take my cuff! You 'ave not ze right! My only identity is trading farting flowers!"
gellaho
Wears an earring, of course
FancyShark
Ten years! Sacre bleu! Zeh better have acceptable wine and silk!
gellaho
What is zis, prison?
Wolfbang Howlbig
L'eincelle
FancyShark
I bet the toilet paper is only three-ply
gellaho
Only a spoon!? And no bread!? Zis is an outrage!
Wolfbang Howlbig
He is without pain
Gentleman Brendan
Prison is sauvage. Ze uniforms 'ave no zense of etyle!
FancyShark
Celiac disease: the novel
Wolfbang Howlbig
Wolfbang Howlbig
me reading this
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He has trouble recognizing anything that isn't baguette shaped as bread.
Gentleman Brendan
You know who would tell the Justica to go fuck themselves? Don Karnage.
gellaho
We gonna explain what the green veins are or why they are dangerous? No? Cool
gellaho
This is an ice mining colony
I'm not sure there's a less dangerous form of mining out there
What's green that they're getting out of the ice
FancyShark
"Christmas cake is made out of nails and bedsheets here, because prison"
Wolfbang Howlbig
ounobtaniumme
gellaho
In a flashback we learn that ship's AIs are baptized
Gentleman Brendan
Sounds like some kind of photosensitive radiation that has a baffling purpose?
Like radar baffling.
But also the first way that sounds.
public jakesy no. 1
Non!
gellaho
Because I guess some roboAdam and roboEve committed original cybersin
Gentleman Brendan
This might be a translation error for christening.
Wolfbang Howlbig
The green veins are where they get antifreeze for the wines.
FancyShark
The writer's American!
public jakesy no. 1
Unfortunately the author is American
gellaho
Sounds like a great doctor
FancyShark
Sure, checks out
public jakesy no. 1
Normally you gotta pay extra for an ice tug
gellaho
Fuck you, there was not a Pauli Tree
Wolfbang Howlbig
Fuck me, that's not how Chinese names work.
Gentleman Brendan
"Go screw, Justica."
public jakesy no. 1
Wait CATherine runs the SyndiCAT
Terrible take a lap
Wolfbang Howlbig
Generally speaking, Chinese names are a monosyllabic first name and a bisylabic last name.
Gentleman Brendan
Is she also the doctor or does the doctor not have a name?
Wolfbang Howlbig
Xi Xinping, Lee Beifong, etc
FancyShark
This author is determined to prove she went overseas and didn't spend her senior year watching a bunch of perfume commercials
gellaho
@Wolfbang Howlbig friend of yours?
gellaho
Wolfbang Howlbig
So Lee Xichu is more likely.
FancyShark
She's the doctor. And a mad scientist?
Gentleman Brendan
Asian character described as wizened by arrogant French stinklord, film at 11.
gellaho
Hey there, Ice
Gentleman Brendan
"There was Bob Yeehaw, an American from the former territory of Texico. He carried a lasso and played harmonica to pass the ice time."
FancyShark
Standoffish and unsocial, desiring their own worlds. Truly the opposite of the French
Wolfbang Howlbig
Look, when a fox goes to prison and is called "fox", it means he's unusually butch for a fox. So it checks out he's not the one giving brain.
Gentleman Brendan
YAY, we have an Ice!
FancyShark
WOOO! ICE!
Gentleman Brendan
Welcome back, you crown prince of ice-hell!
gellaho
Ice be beefy
Gentleman Brendan
I love book nights.
gellaho
I often think of hot pink and yellow as intimidating
FancyShark
How are his lats?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It's a terribly constructed sentence, but I think Lee Xi Chu and the doctor are separate people.
gellaho
The hounds sacrifice their teeth for tattoos
FancyShark
But, hear me out, what if we added turquoise?
gellaho
Sounds like the 90s
Wolfbang Howlbig
Shit you're not supposed to leave Fox and Chicken together, you're supposed to leave Grain with Fox
gellaho
@public jakesy no. 1 we done got a big Ice boy
FancyShark
How the fuck do you get the nickname Chicken in prison?
"Meat-paws"?
gellaho
Hmmmmmmm
FancyShark
uhhh
Wolfbang Howlbig
Handjobs.
gellaho
I have no idea what happened in this interaction
gellaho
They were going to softknife fight and then it just ends
FancyShark
The Hound fights the Mountain, not the Frenchman
Wolfbang Howlbig
LETS HIT THOSE SHOWERS
That's all I can think of when Ice claps his back.
FancyShark
Our hero, swearing he'd think up a retort for next time
Wolfbang Howlbig
God the hero is such a whuss
FancyShark
Even the guy in Psychodrome had more balls than Emile
gellaho
Justica, the "you think yer better'n us?" empire
FancyShark
Another swipe at the elites, from the guy complaining prison is grody
Wolfbang Howlbig
Wait hang on
Who don't the Justica like?
Do they not like race mixing?
FancyShark
Anyone who's not mixed ra- oooohhh shiiiiiit
Wolfbang Howlbig
Oh god. The Justica are globalists
Gentleman Brendan
The Justica are what, here, the Romans by way of the English?
Wolfbang Howlbig
They're Alex Jones Globalists.
FancyShark
They're French, though, aren't they?
French Alex Jones Globalists
gellaho
In what way is this a knife?
FancyShark
It's a whip?
gellaho
Emile is the only one in the prison who speaks English besides Gorvitz
Wolfbang Howlbig
Yeah. Looks like it's a laser whip.
Wolfbang Howlbig
Presumably when charged it cuts things. When uncharged, it's soft.
Soft knife
FancyShark
Okay, laser whip is actually kinda badass
Wolfbang Howlbig
You need to think more like a dipshit when naming sci fi weapons.
Gentleman Brendan
Hey, I called it!
gellaho
Turns out new guy's a narc
gellaho
Lady refuses to say cops or bums, but narc is A-OK
FancyShark
Well, in French, "narc" translates to "English whore"
gellaho
Then Emile and the narc have a Zero-G fight in the gym
Which seems like a bad thing for a prison to have
Gentleman Brendan
The whole series is predicated on smuggling narcotics and they're called sedian sedan sepia.
Wolfbang Howlbig
Wait why the fuck would the gym be zero g?
That's the one place you absolutely need gravity
Gentleman Brendan
I'm no expert in the ways of the softknife but making a cat'o'nine whose instant-death points are on easily swayed fiber optics seems like a dumb idea in zero G.
FancyShark
They have a prisoner that just isn't making progress in his lifts. They did this to help him out.
gellaho
Does Emile heroically whip the unarmed, dark-skinned man?
You bet your ass he does
FancyShark
oh hell
And he blinded him
Like a hero
gellaho
Apparently this narc gave up their ship. I'm still not sure how they figured that out, but there you go
FancyShark
Is this officially the worst hero we've had in any of these readings?
Wolfbang Howlbig
He's the biggest pussy by far.
Wait actually one of the Hardy Boys might beat him.
FancyShark
Frank would genuinely beat him. Joe would call him too soft on women.
gellaho
Then exploded him while thinking about eclairs
gellaho
Bhodi's still out there
FancyShark
Yeah, but it's still early
gellaho
Not French!? Unthinkable!
FancyShark
GASP
FancyShark
Jacques Cher named himself sarcastically and was shocked it wasn't questioned
Wolfbang Howlbig
So did "Lee Xi Chu", who was Vietnamese.
FancyShark
"I...I was just testing you guys. You're seriously not batting an eye?"
gellaho
Dude stole some paintings
Then Emile's father drunkenly fell over a railing
Wolfbang Howlbig
"Guys, that's why I speak French - we're a former French colony"
Gentleman Brendan
Our hero's name is Saint-Just and he's opposed to the Justica but he's out for justice on the Mary Just Shoot Me.
John
Hey, sorry I'm late everyone. Best 10 word recap of what I missed and you'll be my best friend for at least a week.
FancyShark
FREEEEEENCH
That is all
Wolfbang Howlbig
He fell off the railing of the SS fast
Wolfbang Howlbig
This picture but he's in prison.
Gentleman Brendan
Dastardly space Frenchman on prison ship hates the English Romans.
Wolfbang Howlbig
The English Romans hate non mixed race people.
John
Ah, it's one of those books. Where knowing what's going on doesn't actually help.
gellaho
Isn't stagnation glorious?
Gentleman Brendan
90% of this book takes place in characters' backstories.
Gentleman Brendan
Quarantine's been rough on us all.
Wolfbang Howlbig
The rest is complaining about things in prison not being French enough.
Gentleman Brendan
The French will talk to you about how good their bread is if you let them.
I watched New Wave cinema, you can't fool me.
Wolfbang Howlbig
Fuck this hits different.
FancyShark
Bold stance, praising how nothing changes in a nation that's been occupied several times
gellaho
How dare you not know beignets!?
FancyShark
The bloodbath that follows encompasses the next five chapters
Gentleman Brendan
hahahahaha
Finally our hero gets his motivation.
Wolfbang Howlbig
How many fucking words for pastry do you need
Gentleman Brendan
To punish a world that doesn't know about okay doughnuts.
FancyShark
ALL SHALL BURN IN THE FLAMES OF CROQUETTES!
Gentleman Brendan
Beignets are like the 15th best thing about New Orleans, how good can they be in Paris.
FancyShark
Wait, THAT's where I heard of beignets!
John
My first time in New Orleans I was told I had to go to Cafe du Mond and get the beignets. I'll never forgive myself for believing that was actually a "must-do" thing in my limited time there.
Wolfbang Howlbig
This talk of delis and pastries makes me want a sci fi book like this but for being a nebbish space jew
gellaho
They got a goddamned laboratory in the prison mining colony?
Wolfbang Howlbig
From space New York
FancyShark
My stepmom loves them and makes a point of getting beignets every day she's in New Orleans
Wolfbang Howlbig
Wait actually that sounds awesome.
Gentleman Brendan
Yeah, I can live without chicory coffee, too. But I kept the coffee can from there, it was a nice memento.
gellaho
Neural links outta nowhere
Wolfbang Howlbig
Wait is doctor his name?
Capitalize it, Jesus Christ
FancyShark
"You look dehydrated. We better get you some wine."
gellaho
No cook, but a full on mad scientist lab
Gentleman Brendan
Heat ZEM and eat ZEM you philistines!
Wolfbang Howlbig
Chicken Djonin?
Gentleman Brendan
I had the same misread.
Regardez: we French make the best stacked prepared meals in the galaxy.
FancyShark
"Coq au Vin" means dick grapes, right?
Wolfbang Howlbig
You don't see a Djonin unless you're in a Space Balkans prison, and those read like Necromunda novels.
Wolfbang Howlbig
It means Dickwine
FancyShark
I was close!
gellaho
I have no idea how long this has been, but apparently the ship has become legend
FancyShark
Was he in cryosleep or something?
gellaho
Then he gets parole
gellaho
She didn't even bother specifying how long it was until his parole hearing
Wolfbang Howlbig
What the fuck is this book about
gellaho
It's been 57 years, but thank God that the newspaper is still biased the same
Wolfbang Howlbig
I assumed it was going to be a French bad boy story but then it became a prison story
What the fuck
Are we doing relativity shit?
FancyShark
Sadly, this is not the most incoherent book we've read
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Yeah this sounds like a time dilation thing
gellaho
I must get home to my drug flowers!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Going all Forever War here.
FancyShark
He can almost smell those flower farts
John
It seems like that's not the route we're going here, but I like the idea of sentencing people to relativistic prison terms. 60 years for your family, 10 for you.
For a book, anyway.
gellaho
Home to the drug flowers
FancyShark
Whoa whoa, they said it never changes!
Gentleman Brendan
Time, it seems, has made fools of us all.
They have FTL drives but they can't go backward in time.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
How ironic.
Gentleman Brendan
If only there were a French word for this feeling of being home at last and yet unable to truly return to our youth.
FancyShark
...cordon bleu?
gellaho
Emile is denied his cuff, then wanders aimlessly
Wolfbang Howlbig
hon hon, the flowers still fart the same back home
gellaho
He overhears this conversation
Gentleman Brendan
Djonin, this fox looks like Vermin Vundarbar
FancyShark
It's a Sonic character, who is also very French
John
What is silver laughter?
FancyShark
It's when you hear silverware laughing at you. It's a sign of dementia
gellaho
He later goes to the Cafe and somehow that conversation has moved there, hours later
John
Of course. I thought it might be another French thing.
Gentleman Brendan
No, that's just life in Belle's France
Derpbat
Antoine! I miss you!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That would be the rire d'argent.
Derpbat
Mostly as an adjunct of missing Bunnie Rabbot.
Still counts.
gellaho
Anne-Sylvie is somebody he randomly met who knows Gorvitz
FancyShark
"Ugh, ze feelthy uptowners weeth zer culture"
gellaho
Then we get this odd passage
FancyShark
Morlock chicks are freaky
gellaho
And, here it is, page 69. The pastry sex fight
Wolfbang Howlbig
A hardknife
Also known as a knife.
FancyShark
Pastry Sex Fight: The Frenchman's Gauntlet
gellaho
It's gotta be hard for the Sex fight
Wolfbang Howlbig
French cover band for Ninja Sex Party
Gentleman Brendan
"Emile didn't trust her."
Wolfbang Howlbig
Hang on, is hardknife a slang term for penis!
Her knife keeps rising
gellaho
It's a knife, bud
What with the sharpness and steel and bleeding
Wolfbang Howlbig
Man you know how the French be with their flowery metaphors
Gentleman Brendan
What kind of fiber optics does that hardknife have?
Wolfbang Howlbig
A reflex scope and a tac handle.
gellaho
It does prematurely soften, so that's a bummer for her
FancyShark
I haven't been this turned on by a knife fight since I watched West Side Story
Wolfbang Howlbig
So wait he doesn't get shived until he leaves prison?
gellaho
Then transitions into the traditional French sugar fight
FancyShark
Aw yeah
You know what that means
FancyShark
"She blew sugar all over his face and shoulders"
So she's a spitter
gellaho
All the locals know the sugar fights
gellaho
The explosive, explosive sugar fights
FancyShark
Just a reminder that there are people that will go their entire lives without tasting sugar
And also, diabetes
Gentleman Brendan
To be fair, he did it to her first.
FancyShark
Yeah he did
gellaho
Buh, wah
Gentleman Brendan
He could still be a plant! His nonfancy clothes are prison-issue! So unlike those that come with a cuff.
French cuffs.
gellaho
FancyShark
ohhh shiiiiit
gellaho
Ooh, interesting. What happened?
gellaho
Cool, I didn't need to know anyway
FancyShark
Why are they referencing Chicago-sold beer?
Derpbat
Because in the future Chicago becomes our global touchstone for every human event and feeling.
gellaho
Truly sounds like paradise, Emile
gellaho
No, France. This book is very clear about it being France
public jakesy no. 1
It should have cost a fortune, except it sucks shit
Other than that though
FancyShark
"Sure is weird no one knows what the plants eat. And even more weird that vacancies keep opening up in this place."
gellaho
Emile longed in prison to return to the hell world he called home
FancyShark
I was joking!
Sort of!
gellaho
So, the Justica came by and burned all the drug plants. And zoo animals?
gellaho
Flood the streets and cultivate the man-eating flowers indoors
gellaho
Brilliant
FancyShark
Thanks for telling us the mass slaughter of helpless animals was evil, author
Gentleman Brendan
Now we've got sadece again?
FancyShark
Yeah. And apparently sadece are Audrey II
gellaho
And now the other prisoners are on the Mary Damned
gellaho
Having committed a mutiny off-screen
They really want these 57 year old flowers
FancyShark
The pacing on this book is both relentless and glacial
gellaho
The emaciated Tree decides getting high is a great idea
Wolfbang Howlbig
So what's the appeal of this book? I've read aimless plotless stories before where the appeal was vibing in the setting, but this setting fucking blows.
FancyShark
maaaaaaan
gellaho
You really want to rub it into your eyes
FancyShark
I think it's doing the Outer Worlds thing, minus the satire?
Maybe this is all leading up to a reveal that mixed races created crack to kill white people
gellaho
Gorvitz accidentally gets drugged
Which is good because you have to be high to fly, baby
FancyShark
Drugware?
Wolfbang Howlbig
Wait is this just shitty Melange
Gentleman Brendan
Listen, it's New Wave sci-fi. It doesn't need a plot, it just needs to emphasize the quality of the bread.
This is the 400^2 blows.
Wolfbang Howlbig
All art is pain.
Gentleman Brendan
I see what you did, you magnificent fox.
Mo's Over, Synergy
but what! About! The peanut butter????
gellaho
Meanwhile, dangerous poetry
Wolfbang Howlbig
I'm still waiting for how Metalaw factors into this.
Gentleman Brendan
I'm okay with the Great Filter if it means France doesn't get to colonize the stars this way.
"We will write poems about the rings of Uranus, how they resemble bread!"
gellaho
Eating a croissant, reading the virgin paper
FancyShark
Writer's just taunting us with wrong words now
Gentleman Brendan
I bet you can brew some really good coffee in a vacuum.
gellaho
Emile loves this little slice of hell
Gentleman Brendan
You knew the word effete would be stopping by.
gellaho
Gotta love a planet with a threatening sky
FancyShark
I don't feel at home unless the clouds threaten my family
Gentleman Brendan
I actually love this segment. It's well done.
gellaho
Streets are filled with water, but ignore that
Gentleman Brendan
Not dying so slowly now, are you, Huit Fleurs?
FancyShark
Emile is so turned on right now
gellaho
Looks like the federales are here. Welp, time to go to bed
Wolfbang Howlbig
Effete lives in Emile's mouth.
gellaho
That burning heat and smell is so soothing
Wolfbang Howlbig
Hahaha chamber pot?
The future has no plumbing?
FancyShark
"Man, it's really a hellscape out there. G'nite."
Gentleman Brendan
Chemical toilets: for when your home must absolutely smell like a port o john.
FancyShark
Toldja! Indoor plumbing is lost, but the French Academy is forever!
Gentleman Brendan
We have FTL drives and people still squat in a bucket.
gellaho
Next paragraphs seem to completely ignore all that
Gentleman Brendan
Love in the time of space-cholera
FancyShark
This violates hospitality, unlike being locked in a prison
Gentleman Brendan
Manneurs.
Gotta go eat burgers and watch peacemaker. Quand nous revenous!
FancyShark
Word. Later, Brendan!
gellaho
The planet is 96% water and the rest is flowers, you are not self sufficient
gellaho
You have to illegally trade your illegal drugs for everything
FancyShark
But...but...beignets
Derpbat
All you need is water and flowers!
I can't tell if this guy was serious and thought he was saying something profound, or writing a parody and thought he was saying something funny.
He fails equally at both, which is not something I thought could happen.
gellaho
Guess what the next word is
Henry
skimming this and i already see too many "i'm trying to hard to sound eloquent" words
Derpbat
This is like a Null: Set error.
FancyShark
"thought"
Derpbat
If it's not thought, it's some word that means thought but he thought sounded better, and he was wrong.
gellaho
Lady. It'll be very obvious it's a woman writing a man very soon
Derpbat
I hope it's thought.
gellaho
Try disappointment
FancyShark
pfffthahahaha
Derpbat
...
Okay then.
I admit, I'm surprised.
gellaho
That knotted groin feeling. You know what I'm saying fellas?
FancyShark
She was taking a clear shot at some exes
gellaho
When your dick gets all knotted up
Derpbat
There's this weird feeling between my eyes, like someone's gently tapping it with a hammer.
Does she think men are cats?
FancyShark
@Wolfbang Howlbig , your thoughts?
gellaho
This woman uses whore more often than I would expect
don't ask him
Derpbat
...wait, the more I read this page the less sense it makes.
Is this... is this what being a Grabowski is?
Okay, so... the drug allows them to bond with the ship robots.
By fucking them.
And the ship robots are whores, but also judgemental.
Very judgemental.
And now he's using a cat penis to fuck a human while they're both on the drugs.
FancyShark
Yeah. What's so hard to follow?
Derpbat
And the drugs are affecting them but also at the same time not.
And
gellaho
Emile pretends to be a courier and eats some soup
Derpbat
and
I think I see purple.
Wolfbang Howlbig
Javo and I came to an agreement.
gellaho
And then a thing happens that I cannot explain
Wolfbang Howlbig
It is one of the things I cannot mention.
gellaho
I have no idea what this is
Wolfbang Howlbig
Which is a shame because irl knot based humor is a trademark of mine.
Derpbat
It's perfectly reasonable. There's a brain in a jar that's actually the computer's hard drive, except it's also the memory, and they have it floating in soup.
Nutritious soup.
And there's a cable that you plug into so you can communicate with the brain in the soup and ask it questions.
Because it's the future.
gellaho
This goes on for a while
Derpbat
And that makes more sense then ow ow ow ow OW OW OW
gellaho
Oh, I remember this
This doesn't make any sense
Derpbat
For some reason there was this period of time where people decided that actually keyboards and screens were a bad idea and we would do something else.
And they never thought of what actually happened, which was touch screens.
I think they thought we'd all have flippers or something.
gellaho
Then he's in a room and encounters a lady
Derpbat
Wait, did Star Trek have touch screens?
Wolfbang Howlbig
knots are a canid thing. Like for dogs, foxes, and tanuki
Derpbat
Oh.
Fair enough then.
I can taste purple. I need to stop looking at this book.
Wolfbang Howlbig
And I'm not allowed to talk about them.
Derpbat
I fear what it is doing to my mind.
gellaho
Then some words
FancyShark
Fake lady?
LIIIIIIPS
gellaho
Computer lady wants to be called Claude
FancyShark
hahahaha
"Want to know what your raise would have been if you hadn't been arrested?"
gellaho
Then they have cybersex in the most awkwardly described way
FancyShark
oh god, he's fucking the tank brain
gellaho
Heat exploded like poison
That's what she thinks men experience during sex
I don't even know what that could possibly mean
FancyShark
Like napalm, that famous poison
gellaho
Poison doesn't explode
Wolfbang Howlbig
I have read
A disgusting amount of robot computer sex
And this fucking sucks.
Derpbat
This woman managed to never have sex.
I'm more sure of that than I am of the existence of pandas.
FancyShark
She don't know how ta fuck
gellaho
The police do not take kindly to the computer fucking
Derpbat
I mean, at the very least the computer fucking is damaging property, right?
Wolfbang Howlbig
If you're going to write computer fucking, the most boring thing you can do is foot stuff.
FancyShark
"Take your genitals out of the disk drive and step away from the machine"
Wolfbang Howlbig
Come the fuck on.
FancyShark
Yeah. Lawnmower Man got way weirder
gellaho
"Don't hassle me, man! The computer wanted it, just ask her! Her name is Claude."
Wolfbang Howlbig
Exactly. Psychic or computer fucking can go Lawnmower man, it can go Fluff Kevlar,
Derpbat
This is worse than the average 13 year fanfiction writer would manage to write regular sex.
Wolfbang Howlbig
You aren't restricted to normal organs or anatomy. Fucking google a Japanese adult toy store catalog and despair
Derpbat
I can't rate it on a scale of actual fantasy sex.
gellaho
Brilliant
Wolfbang Howlbig
This is significantly beneath furry erotica.
Derpbat
It's null:set, and you need to press the ce button on the calculator.
Wolfbang Howlbig
Pfff, nice writing frenchie
FancyShark
It he had had buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo
Derpbat
Seriously, pg-13 on ff.net is better.
Is this a translation?
Wolfbang Howlbig
Nope
FancyShark
Writer's American
Wolfbang Howlbig
A genuine American frogaboo
Derpbat
I think we need to apologize to the French.
Wolfbang Howlbig
Or maybe a ouiaboux
Derpbat
Would they like Louisiana back?
FancyShark
She gets off so much on the Frenchiness, the sex has nothing to offer
gellaho
Emile might have been living in a welfare state and not even have known it
Derpbat
I'll be French now.
This is the worst crime against the French that didn't actually involve trying to kill any French people.
Wolfbang Howlbig
Fuck you, ouiaboux was my A game
gellaho
Emile recognizes something important
FancyShark
Have we considered that Emile is just a fucking moron?
Derpbat
I like it but it only works written down.
gellaho
He has
FancyShark
Sorry, needed to do another read. Trying to keep up with everyone
Derpbat
Have we considered that Emile is actually really a brain in a jar, and the woman was a real person?
And now she's incredibly disappointed?
Wolfbang Howlbig
Man I wish Ice were in the story again.
FancyShark
The author did say disappointment is part of sex
Wolfbang Howlbig
I bet she tells herself that.
gellaho
She has decided to try making up some English
FancyShark
wtf
Wolfbang Howlbig
Is there a reason no one uses guns
FancyShark
Not as elegant as laser whips and shivs
Wolfbang Howlbig
Is it Dune related?
FancyShark
wait, yeah. Where the hell are the guns?
gellaho
Then he goes to prison, escapes prison. I don't really care
FancyShark
These idiots managed interstellar flight, but not how to throw a rock
FancyShark
Reaching your limit?
gellaho
Wanders around, more whores
FancyShark
He could smell the whores?
That's some Jack the Ripper shit
or just a really gross comment on hygeine
gellaho
Simon Simon
FancyShark
And his partner Hawke Hawke
gellaho
One page later, Simon Simon is revealed
gellaho
as far as I know, the only characterization Daniel has is that he was squatting with them
FancyShark
It's really a privilege to see an author at the top of their game
gellaho
Turns out that AI baptism was a very important plot point
gellaho
As was the computer sex
FancyShark
the hell?
gellaho
They's gonna kill all the computers
I guess I'm supposed to be on the side of the drug runners who fly intoxicated through the universe
Wolfbang Howlbig
Oh god. I feel like the writer really thought they were clever
Right here.
The baptism
Oof I'm checking out. How far are we?
FancyShark
"Nice try, assholes! But you didn't count on baptism!"
I don't know anymore
gellaho
Meanwhile, the Mary Damned is flying through space, still
FancyShark
Weeeee!
gellaho
I've skipped a lot, so I'm on page 208
Just in case you thought sexual assaults were solely the domain of men
gellaho
while that is happening her mind combines with the ship
so that's fun
FancyShark
jesus, lady. Just buy a vibrator
gellaho
it goes on for a while
I don't know why, because it changes absolutely nothing about what the ship was doing
I've been waiting for that virus to come up
it has not
FancyShark
I think the whole book was meant to be a buildup to the computer sex
And now the author is just dispassionately going through the motions
gellaho
Then Emile merges with Claude in a public restroom
FancyShark
Already trying to put the spice back in their relationship
gellaho
Then they invade the Justica's central computer and turn it into an AI baby
gellaho
because that's how computers work
FancyShark
Suck it, 2001
gellaho
And Emile takes a nap in the bathroom
FancyShark
Hey! There's the virus!
Or just hepatitis
gellaho
Oh, no. He's turned the AIs into French revolutionaries
gellaho
Now they're going to start cutting people's heads off
FancyShark
Finally!
gellaho
and then AI Napoleon
FancyShark
what
gellaho
I'm joking about AI Napoleon
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
I'm really getting use out of the baguette today
FancyShark
lol, I legit thought there was AI Napoleon
This author's going places, man
gellaho
Redhead killed herself, that's fun
gellaho
glad to get the answer to that 230 pages later
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I was wondering about her.
FancyShark
Author must have double-checked the start of the book
gellaho
They have overthrown the Justica rule
But set up the guillotine anyway
FancyShark
hahahaha
She won't let any aspect of French escape her
gellaho
Gross
gellaho
For some reason, Gorvitz has taken control. Even though he showed up after the revolution
FancyShark
With a name like Gorvitz, he was born to rule
gellaho
And he's told the Anne-Sylvie to kill Emile.
The reasons for this are vague
FancyShark
"Che Guevara was too innocent to live"?
I guess someone skimmed the other countries for history
gellaho
So she does
gellaho
So that's fun
FancyShark
HA!
gellaho
Then a crazy woman feeds Emile to the flowers
FancyShark
oooooookay
Eyeballs first
This author writes with all the passion and eroticism of a praying mantis
gellaho
Then I guess the flowers kill everyone
gellaho
gellaho
The End
Wolfbang Howlbig
Thank god.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Emile became the god-emperor of beau soliel, I think?
FancyShark
hahahaha
Wolfbang Howlbig
What a fucking dumb book
FancyShark
Well, fuck you too, author
Wolfbang Howlbig
Man I was not ready for shithead Dune
gellaho
If by god-emperor, you mean eaten by flowers and accidental genocidist, then yeah
FancyShark
But hey, we made it!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Thank you for doing this, @gellaho, it was pretty rough.
gellaho
So concludes this edition of the Book Cage
gellaho
Chris Claremont's praise for this reinforces my theory that comic book authors don't know anything about actual books
FancyShark
Yeah, this one was tough. But thank you, @gellaho ! And great work, everyone!
gellaho
There was so much about the goddamned newspaper. Every time I saw the newspaper I skipped five pages ahead
FancyShark
I guess that makes the reveal about the one guy sort of important? But then again, what did the newspaper even add to the story?
Derpbat
Gellaho, our thoughts and prayers are with you.
gellaho
Next week Nancy Drew is investigating a plane bomb, so that'll be fun
FancyShark
Hell yes
Derpbat
Man, those plane bombers are going to wish the Hardy Boys were after them.
John
I look forward to finding out if "bomb" and "computer" are also synonyms in the Nancy Drew universe.
Derpbat
The important thing is that by the end of the story, Nancy Drew will have met at least three guys a thousand times better than Ned Nickerson, the human peat block, and yet she will not acknowledge them more than offhandedly.
