Wolfbang Howlbig
"Guys, that's why I speak French - we're a former French colony"
50: Blind Justice S.N. Lewitt
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The Justica stole his ship, his friends, and ten years of his life. Now it's time to even the score.
Archive
Gentleman Brendan
Our hero's name is Saint-Just and he's opposed to the Justica but he's out for justice on the Mary Just Shoot Me.
John
Hey, sorry I'm late everyone. Best 10 word recap of what I missed and you'll be my best friend for at least a week.
FancyShark
FREEEEEENCH
That is all
Wolfbang Howlbig
He fell off the railing of the SS fast
Wolfbang Howlbig
This picture but he's in prison.
Gentleman Brendan
Dastardly space Frenchman on prison ship hates the English Romans.
Wolfbang Howlbig
The English Romans hate non mixed race people.
John
Ah, it's one of those books. Where knowing what's going on doesn't actually help.
gellaho
Isn't stagnation glorious?
Gentleman Brendan
90% of this book takes place in characters' backstories.
Gentleman Brendan
Quarantine's been rough on us all.
Wolfbang Howlbig
The rest is complaining about things in prison not being French enough.
Gentleman Brendan
The French will talk to you about how good their bread is if you let them.
I watched New Wave cinema, you can't fool me.
Wolfbang Howlbig
Fuck this hits different.
FancyShark
Bold stance, praising how nothing changes in a nation that's been occupied several times
gellaho
How dare you not know beignets!?
FancyShark
The bloodbath that follows encompasses the next five chapters
Gentleman Brendan
hahahahaha
Finally our hero gets his motivation.
Wolfbang Howlbig
How many fucking words for pastry do you need
Gentleman Brendan
To punish a world that doesn't know about okay doughnuts.
FancyShark
ALL SHALL BURN IN THE FLAMES OF CROQUETTES!
Gentleman Brendan
Beignets are like the 15th best thing about New Orleans, how good can they be in Paris.
FancyShark
Wait, THAT's where I heard of beignets!
John
My first time in New Orleans I was told I had to go to Cafe du Mond and get the beignets. I'll never forgive myself for believing that was actually a "must-do" thing in my limited time there.
Wolfbang Howlbig
This talk of delis and pastries makes me want a sci fi book like this but for being a nebbish space jew
gellaho
They got a goddamned laboratory in the prison mining colony?
Wolfbang Howlbig
From space New York
FancyShark
My stepmom loves them and makes a point of getting beignets every day she's in New Orleans
Wolfbang Howlbig
Wait actually that sounds awesome.
Gentleman Brendan
Yeah, I can live without chicory coffee, too. But I kept the coffee can from there, it was a nice memento.
gellaho
Neural links outta nowhere
Wolfbang Howlbig
Wait is doctor his name?
Capitalize it, Jesus Christ
FancyShark
"You look dehydrated. We better get you some wine."
gellaho
No cook, but a full on mad scientist lab
Gentleman Brendan
Heat ZEM and eat ZEM you philistines!
Wolfbang Howlbig
Chicken Djonin?
Gentleman Brendan
I had the same misread.
Regardez: we French make the best stacked prepared meals in the galaxy.
FancyShark
"Coq au Vin" means dick grapes, right?
Wolfbang Howlbig
You don't see a Djonin unless you're in a Space Balkans prison, and those read like Necromunda novels.
Wolfbang Howlbig
It means Dickwine
FancyShark
I was close!
gellaho
I have no idea how long this has been, but apparently the ship has become legend
FancyShark
Was he in cryosleep or something?
gellaho
Then he gets parole
gellaho
She didn't even bother specifying how long it was until his parole hearing
Wolfbang Howlbig
What the fuck is this book about
gellaho
It's been 57 years, but thank God that the newspaper is still biased the same
Wolfbang Howlbig
I assumed it was going to be a French bad boy story but then it became a prison story
What the fuck
Are we doing relativity shit?
FancyShark
Sadly, this is not the most incoherent book we've read
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Yeah this sounds like a time dilation thing
gellaho
I must get home to my drug flowers!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Going all Forever War here.
FancyShark
He can almost smell those flower farts
John
It seems like that's not the route we're going here, but I like the idea of sentencing people to relativistic prison terms. 60 years for your family, 10 for you.
For a book, anyway.
gellaho
Home to the drug flowers
FancyShark
Whoa whoa, they said it never changes!
Gentleman Brendan
Time, it seems, has made fools of us all.
They have FTL drives but they can't go backward in time.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
How ironic.
Gentleman Brendan
If only there were a French word for this feeling of being home at last and yet unable to truly return to our youth.
FancyShark
...cordon bleu?
gellaho
Emile is denied his cuff, then wanders aimlessly
Wolfbang Howlbig
hon hon, the flowers still fart the same back home
gellaho
He overhears this conversation
Gentleman Brendan
Djonin, this fox looks like Vermin Vundarbar
FancyShark
It's a Sonic character, who is also very French
John
What is silver laughter?
FancyShark
It's when you hear silverware laughing at you. It's a sign of dementia
gellaho
He later goes to the Cafe and somehow that conversation has moved there, hours later
John
Of course. I thought it might be another French thing.
Gentleman Brendan
No, that's just life in Belle's France
Derpbat
Antoine! I miss you!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That would be the rire d'argent.
Derpbat
Mostly as an adjunct of missing Bunnie Rabbot.
Still counts.
gellaho
Anne-Sylvie is somebody he randomly met who knows Gorvitz
FancyShark
"Ugh, ze feelthy uptowners weeth zer culture"
gellaho
Then we get this odd passage
FancyShark
Morlock chicks are freaky
gellaho
And, here it is, page 69. The pastry sex fight
Wolfbang Howlbig
A hardknife
Also known as a knife.
FancyShark
Pastry Sex Fight: The Frenchman's Gauntlet
gellaho
It's gotta be hard for the Sex fight
Wolfbang Howlbig
French cover band for Ninja Sex Party
Gentleman Brendan
"Emile didn't trust her."
Wolfbang Howlbig
Hang on, is hardknife a slang term for penis!
Her knife keeps rising
gellaho
It's a knife, bud
What with the sharpness and steel and bleeding
Wolfbang Howlbig
Man you know how the French be with their flowery metaphors
Gentleman Brendan
What kind of fiber optics does that hardknife have?
Wolfbang Howlbig
A reflex scope and a tac handle.
gellaho
It does prematurely soften, so that's a bummer for her
FancyShark
I haven't been this turned on by a knife fight since I watched West Side Story
Wolfbang Howlbig
So wait he doesn't get shived until he leaves prison?
gellaho
Then transitions into the traditional French sugar fight
FancyShark
Aw yeah
You know what that means
FancyShark
"She blew sugar all over his face and shoulders"
So she's a spitter
gellaho
All the locals know the sugar fights
gellaho
The explosive, explosive sugar fights
FancyShark
Just a reminder that there are people that will go their entire lives without tasting sugar
And also, diabetes
Gentleman Brendan
To be fair, he did it to her first.
FancyShark
Yeah he did
gellaho
Buh, wah
Gentleman Brendan
He could still be a plant! His nonfancy clothes are prison-issue! So unlike those that come with a cuff.
French cuffs.
gellaho
FancyShark
ohhh shiiiiit
gellaho
Ooh, interesting. What happened?
gellaho
Cool, I didn't need to know anyway
FancyShark
Why are they referencing Chicago-sold beer?
Derpbat
Because in the future Chicago becomes our global touchstone for every human event and feeling.
gellaho
Truly sounds like paradise, Emile
gellaho
No, France. This book is very clear about it being France
public jakesy no. 1
It should have cost a fortune, except it sucks shit
Other than that though
FancyShark
"Sure is weird no one knows what the plants eat. And even more weird that vacancies keep opening up in this place."
gellaho
Emile longed in prison to return to the hell world he called home
FancyShark
I was joking!
Sort of!
gellaho
So, the Justica came by and burned all the drug plants. And zoo animals?
gellaho
Flood the streets and cultivate the man-eating flowers indoors
gellaho
Brilliant
FancyShark
Thanks for telling us the mass slaughter of helpless animals was evil, author
Gentleman Brendan
Now we've got sadece again?
FancyShark
Yeah. And apparently sadece are Audrey II
gellaho
And now the other prisoners are on the Mary Damned
gellaho
Having committed a mutiny off-screen
They really want these 57 year old flowers
FancyShark
The pacing on this book is both relentless and glacial
gellaho
The emaciated Tree decides getting high is a great idea
Wolfbang Howlbig
So what's the appeal of this book? I've read aimless plotless stories before where the appeal was vibing in the setting, but this setting fucking blows.
FancyShark
maaaaaaan
gellaho
You really want to rub it into your eyes
FancyShark
I think it's doing the Outer Worlds thing, minus the satire?
Maybe this is all leading up to a reveal that mixed races created crack to kill white people
gellaho
Gorvitz accidentally gets drugged
Which is good because you have to be high to fly, baby
FancyShark
Drugware?
Wolfbang Howlbig
Wait is this just shitty Melange
Gentleman Brendan
Listen, it's New Wave sci-fi. It doesn't need a plot, it just needs to emphasize the quality of the bread.
This is the 400^2 blows.
Wolfbang Howlbig
All art is pain.
Gentleman Brendan
I see what you did, you magnificent fox.
Mo's Over, Synergy
but what! About! The peanut butter????
gellaho
Meanwhile, dangerous poetry
Wolfbang Howlbig
I'm still waiting for how Metalaw factors into this.
Gentleman Brendan
I'm okay with the Great Filter if it means France doesn't get to colonize the stars this way.
"We will write poems about the rings of Uranus, how they resemble bread!"
gellaho
Eating a croissant, reading the virgin paper
FancyShark
Writer's just taunting us with wrong words now
Gentleman Brendan
I bet you can brew some really good coffee in a vacuum.
gellaho
Emile loves this little slice of hell
Gentleman Brendan
You knew the word effete would be stopping by.
gellaho
Gotta love a planet with a threatening sky
FancyShark
I don't feel at home unless the clouds threaten my family
Gentleman Brendan
I actually love this segment. It's well done.
gellaho
Streets are filled with water, but ignore that
Gentleman Brendan
Not dying so slowly now, are you, Huit Fleurs?
FancyShark
Emile is so turned on right now
gellaho
Looks like the federales are here. Welp, time to go to bed
Wolfbang Howlbig
Effete lives in Emile's mouth.
gellaho
That burning heat and smell is so soothing
Wolfbang Howlbig
Hahaha chamber pot?
The future has no plumbing?
FancyShark
"Man, it's really a hellscape out there. G'nite."
Gentleman Brendan
Chemical toilets: for when your home must absolutely smell like a port o john.
FancyShark
Toldja! Indoor plumbing is lost, but the French Academy is forever!
Gentleman Brendan
We have FTL drives and people still squat in a bucket.
gellaho
Next paragraphs seem to completely ignore all that
Gentleman Brendan
Love in the time of space-cholera
FancyShark
This violates hospitality, unlike being locked in a prison
Gentleman Brendan
Manneurs.
Gotta go eat burgers and watch peacemaker. Quand nous revenous!
FancyShark
Word. Later, Brendan!
gellaho
The planet is 96% water and the rest is flowers, you are not self sufficient
gellaho
You have to illegally trade your illegal drugs for everything
FancyShark
But...but...beignets
Derpbat
All you need is water and flowers!
I can't tell if this guy was serious and thought he was saying something profound, or writing a parody and thought he was saying something funny.
He fails equally at both, which is not something I thought could happen.
gellaho
Guess what the next word is
Henry
skimming this and i already see too many "i'm trying to hard to sound eloquent" words
Derpbat
This is like a Null: Set error.
FancyShark
"thought"
Derpbat
If it's not thought, it's some word that means thought but he thought sounded better, and he was wrong.
gellaho
Lady. It'll be very obvious it's a woman writing a man very soon
Derpbat
I hope it's thought.
gellaho
Try disappointment
FancyShark
pfffthahahaha
Derpbat
...
Okay then.
I admit, I'm surprised.
gellaho
That knotted groin feeling. You know what I'm saying fellas?
FancyShark
She was taking a clear shot at some exes
gellaho
When your dick gets all knotted up
Derpbat
There's this weird feeling between my eyes, like someone's gently tapping it with a hammer.
Does she think men are cats?
FancyShark
@Wolfbang Howlbig , your thoughts?
gellaho
This woman uses whore more often than I would expect
don't ask him
Derpbat
...wait, the more I read this page the less sense it makes.
Is this... is this what being a Grabowski is?
Okay, so... the drug allows them to bond with the ship robots.
By fucking them.
And the ship robots are whores, but also judgemental.
Very judgemental.
And now he's using a cat penis to fuck a human while they're both on the drugs.
FancyShark
Yeah. What's so hard to follow?
Derpbat
And the drugs are affecting them but also at the same time not.
And
gellaho
Emile pretends to be a courier and eats some soup
Derpbat
and
I think I see purple.
Wolfbang Howlbig
Javo and I came to an agreement.
gellaho
And then a thing happens that I cannot explain
Wolfbang Howlbig
It is one of the things I cannot mention.
gellaho
I have no idea what this is
Wolfbang Howlbig
Which is a shame because irl knot based humor is a trademark of mine.
Derpbat
It's perfectly reasonable. There's a brain in a jar that's actually the computer's hard drive, except it's also the memory, and they have it floating in soup.
Nutritious soup.
And there's a cable that you plug into so you can communicate with the brain in the soup and ask it questions.
Because it's the future.
gellaho
This goes on for a while
Derpbat
And that makes more sense then ow ow ow ow OW OW OW
gellaho
Oh, I remember this
This doesn't make any sense
Derpbat
For some reason there was this period of time where people decided that actually keyboards and screens were a bad idea and we would do something else.
And they never thought of what actually happened, which was touch screens.
I think they thought we'd all have flippers or something.
gellaho
Then he's in a room and encounters a lady
Derpbat
Wait, did Star Trek have touch screens?
Wolfbang Howlbig
knots are a canid thing. Like for dogs, foxes, and tanuki
Derpbat
Oh.
Fair enough then.
I can taste purple. I need to stop looking at this book.
Wolfbang Howlbig
And I'm not allowed to talk about them.
Derpbat
I fear what it is doing to my mind.
gellaho
Then some words
FancyShark
Fake lady?
LIIIIIIPS
gellaho
Computer lady wants to be called Claude
FancyShark
hahahaha
"Want to know what your raise would have been if you hadn't been arrested?"
gellaho
Then they have cybersex in the most awkwardly described way
FancyShark
oh god, he's fucking the tank brain
gellaho
Heat exploded like poison
That's what she thinks men experience during sex
I don't even know what that could possibly mean
FancyShark
Like napalm, that famous poison
gellaho
Poison doesn't explode
Wolfbang Howlbig
I have read
A disgusting amount of robot computer sex
And this fucking sucks.
Derpbat
This woman managed to never have sex.
I'm more sure of that than I am of the existence of pandas.
FancyShark
She don't know how ta fuck
gellaho
The police do not take kindly to the computer fucking
Derpbat
I mean, at the very least the computer fucking is damaging property, right?
Wolfbang Howlbig
If you're going to write computer fucking, the most boring thing you can do is foot stuff.
FancyShark
"Take your genitals out of the disk drive and step away from the machine"
Wolfbang Howlbig
Come the fuck on.
FancyShark
Yeah. Lawnmower Man got way weirder
gellaho
"Don't hassle me, man! The computer wanted it, just ask her! Her name is Claude."
Wolfbang Howlbig
Exactly. Psychic or computer fucking can go Lawnmower man, it can go Fluff Kevlar,
Derpbat
This is worse than the average 13 year fanfiction writer would manage to write regular sex.
Wolfbang Howlbig
You aren't restricted to normal organs or anatomy. Fucking google a Japanese adult toy store catalog and despair
Derpbat
I can't rate it on a scale of actual fantasy sex.
gellaho
Brilliant
Wolfbang Howlbig
This is significantly beneath furry erotica.
Derpbat
It's null:set, and you need to press the ce button on the calculator.
Wolfbang Howlbig
Pfff, nice writing frenchie
FancyShark
It he had had buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo
Derpbat
Seriously, pg-13 on ff.net is better.
Is this a translation?
Wolfbang Howlbig
Nope
FancyShark
Writer's American
Wolfbang Howlbig
A genuine American frogaboo
Derpbat
I think we need to apologize to the French.
Wolfbang Howlbig
Or maybe a ouiaboux
Derpbat
Would they like Louisiana back?
FancyShark
She gets off so much on the Frenchiness, the sex has nothing to offer
gellaho
Emile might have been living in a welfare state and not even have known it
Derpbat
I'll be French now.
This is the worst crime against the French that didn't actually involve trying to kill any French people.
Wolfbang Howlbig
Fuck you, ouiaboux was my A game
gellaho
Emile recognizes something important
FancyShark
Have we considered that Emile is just a fucking moron?
Derpbat
I like it but it only works written down.
gellaho
He has
FancyShark
Sorry, needed to do another read. Trying to keep up with everyone
Derpbat
Have we considered that Emile is actually really a brain in a jar, and the woman was a real person?
And now she's incredibly disappointed?
Wolfbang Howlbig
Man I wish Ice were in the story again.
FancyShark
The author did say disappointment is part of sex