The Book Cage - Episode #69 The Samurai Wizard
After the French adventure, our sort of protagonists are heading out east. What events will Wyrdrune, Kira, Billy Slade, and Modred be standing next to this time? Will they be involved in the plot? Will the 23rd Century Tokyo be as crazy as Psychodrome's 27th century? I don't know, but I got the shakes and I need my Simon Hawke fix! We'll all find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
Sweet!
AT LAST!
🎸
Turns out I somehow forgot "Spiked!" in my list, so Episode 68 will be lost to time.
Nooooo! Not the Gatorade poisoning!
Or the exploding volleyball!
I just meant all my numbers were off by one in my spreadsheet. I'm archiving it now.
Yes, I am a cool guy with an Excel spreadsheet
Simon Hawke's The Samurai Wizard begins at the top of the hour. Here's the preview, involving pants shenanigans
Wild disparity on how those guys were handled
"Thaimatuegic energy" is just an even nerdier way of saying "he cast magic missile".
One guy, pantsed
Other guy, chopped into mush
No wait, bolts; my bad, that was Chain Lightning.
...god I want to play D&D so bad.
Wait what, he made the pants rum after the guy? Because he doesn't want him to ho around pantsless? Man, that's a power move.
Bringing a sword to a guns vs. magic fight sounds like a real dummy move if I didn't know Grimjack rules is swords work in both technical and magical realms
Time to wizard
The only thing more magical than a sword is a jeweled mace shaped like a dick.
If I am correct, I think most of this prologue is this guy getting an ancient Japanese tattoo
As per usual, magic seems painful
Getting a back tattoo while listening to a shakuhachi is peak white tourist energy.
Like cmon at least make it a pipa.
The dragon is Puff
I'm assuming there are only three wizards in Japan then
or a shakujo. Just have a monk there chanting and making rattling noises.
Japanese wizards work twice as hard and long as western wizards and consider it an honor to die of overwork.
They sleep at the office.
And can buy used witch robes from vending machines
"I know you've been studying magic since birth. Here is your taxi license"
shakuhachi had to crawl so that pipa weeaboos could fly so that waifu otaku could SOAR in a land where it's impolite to say no.
I'm sure the details of wizard vocational school will be critical to the plot.
Warlock HR is notoriously difficult
A bullet train you have to maintain concentration to operate seems very unsafe.
Ooh, fancy corporate sorcerer
If the corporate sorcerer stops concentrating for even a second, their stocks tank
Oh and double dangerous for flying a plane.
Corporate Sorcerers get the best health and dental packages Japan has to offer.
Dangerously low on mages
Zorin isn't already a mage name?
Oh my dude. Tao Tzu is Chinese as hell, not Tibetan. My dude.
Yeah but think of all the rhymes corporate sorcerers boardroom enforcer, always outsource ya.
This whole book is a metaphor for how capitalism subjugates the wonders of the world around us into soul-crushing mundanity.
Also, how thirsty Simon gets
I'm going to have a hard time letting go of Tao Tzu.
Different Tao Tzu. This is Tao Tzu the High-Dwelling, not Tao Tzu the KILLS FIRST TAO TZU AND INSTALLS HIMSELF AS ONLY TAO TZU
I don't know how the satanic orgy at Disneyland fits into that theory, but sure
Now I know what to name my next D&D character.
They don't allow Chinese people into Tibet?
It's secretly Christopher Walken
Oh, I'm all in now
Yohaku seems like kind of a dick
Yohaku learned his techniques from the DMV
Jesus, three cups of broth? If he doesn't drink a gallon of water a day, he will die.
God dam mages just don't want to work anymore!!!1!
no one wants to cast anymore
SNOWFLAKE MAGE GENERATION NEED NOT APPLY
It rains, he'll be fine.
I wonder if Kanno is a bad guy
this is what happens when you hand out participation amulets instead of victory horns of the slain demon Nreglah
Sounds like the talk of a necromancer to me
I wonder if enough research was done for the Japanese wizards to use shikigami....
If you spend twenty years on a ruse, I think you might be the rube
He's playing the extremely long game.
"HAHA! I have duped you, Honorable Sensei! I have spent 20 years and passed my exams with painstaking study! YOU FOOL!"
Sounds fun
"Now I shall graduate from Tokyo University and become the best salarywizard in all Japan!"
Griffins are already a hybrid animal, Simon. What are you doing, Simon.
Cyborg griffin is pretty awesome tho.
The avian cyborg can speak, but only to beg for the sweet release of death.
Simon thinks parakeets are robots?
PARAKEETS ARE ROBOTS!
Everyone knows birds arent real!
Not seeing why the pet shop was necessary for this plan
Seems like a cemetery would be more convenient
Parakeet necromancer, fuck yeah!
Necromancy is so popular its a wonder its always illegal and bad in these books.
It's like weed.
Probably harmless unless you spend all your time doing it.
Necromancy headshops are weeeeeiiiird
Not the tattoo artist!
No record except for all the inventory journals and receipts for the tattoo materials and the discrepancy of where they all went without record of payment
It's funny, but if he left this old man alive nobody would be able to notice his death and therefore get clued in to something going on.
How many records could there possibly be for a tattoo that took months, huh?
Surprisingly, Kanno's necromancy is not going well
Naked necromancy no less.
Welp, better get some werewolves
Kanno jumps to failure pretty quickly
He better be careful with that knife tho, naked and knife wielding necromancers need newer nuts..
This sounds like Skyrim erotica.
Yeah, sure, guy. You totally spent twenty years in training.
☑️ Redhead
Spent too much time on the luxury pets
She got him on his knees?
These ancient evils are like cockroaches, can't keep them down
Kanno is trying very hard not to get a boner right now.
He beggin', darlin', please?
I'm starting to suspect there need to more redheads in the world, there's clearly a shortage.
What are you, trying to have sex with a friend's wife?
Japan has to import theirs and they are marked up 10,000%
Yes, Simon. Fuck. Yes.
You know what I want
Yeeeeaaaaah
"Well if I cant even begin to understand then I might as well tell you to fuck off then, huh?" never crosses Kanno's mind.
Hey, Kanno. What do you think necromancy is?
Redhead. Talks in melodrama. Possibly immortal.
There are a lot of boxes getting ticked right now
No, seriously, what do you think necromancy is
Yes
Necromancy is where you bake the pie crust before you add the filling, right?
"First we flay off all the gross old 40-60 year old skin and replace it with tight young hot skin. Also you get to maybe be a werewolf or something, I dunno. NECROMANCY!"
Magic seems unpleasant
LeeiiiiiiiiLA! Ba-da-ba-da-DOW BadadadidadaDOW!
At least the dragon seems to be having fun
Well a dragon sticking out of him seems like its going to be a problem when he goes to the convenience store.
Ahhhhhh fuck yeah this rules ima dragon
This was definitely worth 20 years
I hope the dragon becomes his sassy wisecracking sidekick
Dragon always brushing people and he has to stop and apologize every five steps.
Wot's all this then
I defy you to separate those second two from the first.
Kanno is the introductory character in his own epic.
"HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNHHHHHHH!" Billy Slade said as he definitely did not cum a little.
Merlin does not appreciate Billy's language
GOR BLIMEY wot oy screem wenevvuh uhm shaggin a tart wot I met on the lorry on the M5 innit
Fuck off Merlin. Nobody likes a ghostly Professor Henry Higgins.
HAHAHA suck it, Britain. Your only possible rejoinders all apply to a different geographic region than mine. I am invincible! I have studied necromancy and will NEVER know of the dark ones!
Also fuck you Merlin, modern English is already perverted from what you spoke.
"Billy is in his own constant hell"
I just assume Merlin spoke only Welsh
I'm admittedly running on four hours' sleep but isn't the Arthurian legend like...pre-Germanic.
Yeah it has roots in Celtic mythology.
I'm glad you are worried about that in this moment of slapstick
Billy's renal system looks like Stalingrad
Also FUCK OFF MERLIN. You drank mead and shit at his age because unboiled water was basically a sure fire way to shit yourself to death.
I guess Modred sleeps in this
"I woke up and you weren't there"
"You can tell I'm dangerous and sensual because I wear black silk."
The are our theoretical main characters
25 pages in
Note to self: do not join the council of the white.
I mean I say that, but I'm up for a job at News Corp. so...
"Feral pretty" sounds like a pretty backhanded way to talk about someone.
Look, Simon has a type
This is just how people in the '80s used to say she's all that.
Also what does a "geometric style" look like for hair?
Is that how you describe a haircut and I just didnt know?
And that type is "Vasquez from Aliens, but whiter"
Or is she rocking like a punky buzz with stars and moons shaved into it?
Which I honestly can't fault
Simon has two types and the only difference between us is I like my curvy Mediterranean types older than I whereas that man would pluck a peach while it was still a flower.
Remember that human sacrifice
Ahh, hello again, Jewish Stereotype Broom
So in Simon's world are all the chinese restaurants magic powered, or is just every shop running a log stove?
There's one pyromancer working so many jobs at once
Ain't a thing wrong with a strong woman, sirrah.
Chinese restaurants are already powered by magic depending on how much you like soup buns.
I love a strong woman with a geometric haircut.
Squares, circles, triangles, dodecahedron, I don't give a fffffuck baby
Let's not forget the French lady who is 40 with the body of a woman in her 20s
Anyone who doesn't like soup buns is welcome to leave planet Earth.
Because that's how she's always introduced
Modred stole his magic computer that exploded in the first book
I love it when a woman has an icosahedron shaped head.
Ooh, does the magic computer count as a Pratchett reference?
Especially if she has little silvery numbers from 1-20 hanging from it.
Yep. Take a shot
Oh shit, the Russians have the quantum computer.
Always giving the computers fancy and somewhat godlike names, it's no wonder they run amok.
Magic hacking
Solve rampancy, name your AI something like Darryl or Leeroy.
"Open the doors, Darryl"
Claude the Pirate hacker
Yar
Just once tho I wanna see someone name a computer after Pliny the Elder, the man who's main contribution to posterity is "I hear menstruation causes hail." level ideas.
Secret origin of Pirate from Time Blender maybe?
Merlin's annoying computer
You ever wonder if philosophers were about the same level of intelligence as us, they just got there first?
That's how all upgrades work, Wyrdrune
Like a lot of kids do that "How do i know your color red is the same as mine?" thing.
It's also a neeeeeeeeeerrrrdddd
But then Archimedes was out here doing real math and having to invent it.
Okay but fuck you, nothing is better than Screaming Zombie Ninjas.
Simon, you gave us Sharks vs Ninjas once. Screaming Zombie Ninjas feels like a rehash
If a ninja screams, does it do so silently?
Only if its not also a zombie.
....seriously might just make a comic book about zombie ninjas
Simon, you always know just what to say
My buddy just did ninja iron man: https://www.cbr.com/blackbox-ninja-kaidan-1-review/
Pick it up if you're in Chicago.
I mean you can get it anywhere, he's just at c2e2 this weekend.
Fucking sweet
It's fun!
Kanno in his pimp disguise
David Cronenberg's Wizard of Crash Alley
Pimps are flashy. Ninjas are invisible. They said the two could never meet.
One of the cool things about being a wizard is you can dress how you want and not worry about muggers.
Good to see some Psychodrome in here
WOAH. you can't use that word
You have to say MUGGLES
I prefer "Entrepeneurs in the field of wealth transfer" honestly.
It's time for renaissance punk.
Kanno's murder is interrupted by needle thugs
"Next time, we'll shoot further!"
Needle Gun is not my favorite Hawkwind song, Simon, but you do you.
They then switched weapons because the needler sucks.
LIIIIPS
The toughs were just trying to vaccinate you, Kanno.
He Kylo Renned them!
MOISTENING
If this book follows the trend, here's the actual main character
You are killing it tonight
Thanks, but I was hoping to find the version where he roundhouse kicks the needle into Frost after saying this.
"Do you think this could have anything to do with the other three international events?"
Simon Hawke came up with Leila after a marathon jerk off session to a Boris Vallejo painting.
We all know the one.
All of them?
This one.
oh
I mean I get it.
Pirate's a hoarder
YAR!
"Unbeknownst to Pirate, beneath all the clutter was the skeleton of his long dead cat."
Eustace
Instead of sailing to a desert island and burying his treasure underground, Pirate just buys more snacks
And Dogecoin.
hahaha, okay, Simon. That's a good description
Simon is pretty cool, i gotta say.
Simon shares C.S Lewis's hatred for people named Eustace.
Name one person you like who's named Eustace tho?
The old man in Courage the Cowardly dog? A fucking Eustace.
And he's a total asshole.
"I avoid taxes like a cool, laid back guy"
Remember when all hackers were rich and low key successful instead of dipshits fighting about things on Wikipedia and 4chan?
Sure, Eustace. I believe you're a cool guy. I'm sure you won't mind if I say that Hatsuni Miku is overrated...
This guy sounds like the sort of guy you try to avoid eye contact with at a bar
But, it's like a cool Commodore 64. It's got stickers on it
He definitely is a few minutes and a joint away from telling Mordred to buy crypto.
Or about how he should listen to Steely Dan
And somewhere in that apartment is a fuckable anime pillow.
The giant fairy is back
Sebastian Makepeace uses the Barbarian Fashion Check bot.
We're going to get to a point where Simon is going to have so many characters added that he won't get to the actual plot until the epilogue
Swish
Very strong neoliberal persona, yeah.
Makepeace the sociopath
Oh you do not want anything to do with a person or place named Lovecraft, you get your drinks with a side of antisemitism and a rant about race mixing.
That's not magic. That's Alka Seltzer
Lovecraft was a teetotaler, as well.
Lovecraft had horrible teeth. I know this without confirmation because even when smiling he looks like he ate a lemon.
So all your drinks are plain soda water with a disapproving glance.
When you leave the bartender grumbles about Italians.
And the aforementioned antisemitism
Our original Redditor HP Lovecraft who was a bad writer but a great horror author.
"Eh, whatever"
God he would have really loved Reddit.
Wyrdrune......you have been a wizard for how long and you didnt know spells have a signature aura?
To be fair, he's a shitty wizard
But your weird sarky fae friend totally does and its never come up?
Also MERLIN doesnt know?!
Merlin not knowing it is more concerning
"I suppose its possible." is not what you wanna hear from a man at the top of his field about something that should be very well known.
Akiro has low self-esteem
Just grab someone off the street and blame them, Akiro. Rely on that famous 99% conviction rate Japan has.
Akiro is strangely fixated on his appearance instead of the murders
"Would they ask him if he was a dirty, filthy boy with a full diaper?"
"Oh god what if the press asks me about my tiny embarassing penis and humiliates me until I nut in puuuuuuublic!"
"Aaaaand...I'm done"
"again!"