gellaho
Ninja wizard
69: The Samurai Wizard Simon Hawke
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Wyrdrune must dig into his bag of tricks - before the Dark Ones turn Japan into the Land of the *Setting* Sun.
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FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Would you like to buy a chinchilla?"
gellaho
LIIIIPS
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
MOISTENED!
Arrow Head Greg (problematic?)
Yes!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"It certainly looks like necromancy. Just look at the scorch marks and the blunt trauma."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Huh this reminds me of my student Kanno, he was always a creepy little pervert who thought he was hiding his power boner."
gellaho
Ah, more characters
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Dumbass thought I was teaching him for twenty years"
gellaho
Gotta get the mob involved, sure
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The...what?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Simon........you know that the boss of a Yakuza isnt called "Don", right?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
And there's not one Yakuza body
gellaho
Hey, I'm lazy. Can you guys take care of this?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Simon, you lectured us for an entire chapter once on how to make copper pipes. What's wrong with you?
gellaho
I'm all in favor of people using less unnecessary Japanese loan words
Gentleman Brendan
I have to tell you, it seems like every one of those books, Wyrdrune exists in a completely different novel.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Instead use an Italian loan word.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Hawke didn't learn the lesson Pratchett did that just because you introduce characters in one book doesn't mean they have to be in every one that follows
Wyrdrune and Kira and Merlin and Modred are And The Rest
gellaho
Get Larry Fishburne on it!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Yeah I dont really LIKE using him, he keeps offering me a choice of red and blue pills that will "wake me up" or "let me stay asleep." and its just so creepy."
Gentleman Brendan
I don't know what you think you know about this mage, but some authorities consider him the most dangerous necromancer alive.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Plus he dresses like a total dork."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That reminds me, I should watch Sandman after we're done here.
gellaho
Meanwhile: Pirate calls a little computer a badass
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also if Morpheus isnt a dream wizard Simon needs to return his Writing Permit and his Oxford Allusion Dictionary.
gellaho
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I interviewed at General Regulardynamics when I first graduated.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Specific Hyperdynamics is where they make Tomb Raider games in the future.
gellaho
I feel like you guys should check the news
gellaho
Or they should just contact you, given that you've dealt with this before
Not get the yakuza and an old man involved
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I mean you DONT know what she's doing, or you would have found her before now.
You know what she WANTs, but that is different.
Can I say I appreciate this book has so far less sewer fucking than the previous one?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
You ARE powerless to stop her. You've wandered around for at least four books while other people have kicked her minions' asses
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And to be fair her minions aren't that formidable.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Plus, book one showed us that the thing even the strongest mage is weak to is Gun. This is all window dressing now.
gellaho
This was only mentioned in the last book, but I literally don't remember when it started
gellaho
Either Simon forgot to write it, or I was too drunk reading the previous books
Either's possible
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Can't blame her. Modred's a clear step up from Wyrdrune
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He has silk jammies.
gellaho
Ah, magic gem love
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Okay, Simon, we get it. Mage threeway
gellaho
Oh, I forgot
Morpheus is Modred
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
ah, right on
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Wizard polyamorous triads always end in heartbreak. And arson.
gellaho
That's like his assassin name
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I was more on point with that dig about his dressing than I knew.
gellaho
Did I remember because the book brought it up? I'll never tell
public jakesy no. 1
Tokyo Grifting
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Tokyo Necromancer is a very underrated PS2 title
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Not gonna lie I would play a game called Tokyo Necromancer.
gellaho
Shut up, dad
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I can see that in my minds eye and its a tactical JRPG like Disgaea with romance subplots and plucky Tokyo teens.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Because I'm a professional"
public jakesy no. 1
Kobayashi the prostitute sounds like they can inhale a ton of hot dogs
gellaho
"You wanna be paid in computer parts? Alright, nerd"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Also, a dump truck filled with Pocky"
gellaho
"Suck it, Lancelot"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
ACtually Kobayashi is a Yakuza boss so he probably has a contact he can just ASK who will provide whatever computer shit he needs.
So fuck off Merlin.
Judgemental old fart.
gellaho
Jesus, Akiro, get it together
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Akiro calls phone sex operators just to have someone listen to him cry
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Oh mew hew hew, teleportation is soooo hard, if the press gets up here I wont have the stamina to keep from just busting all over my own office as they make fun of my stupid tiny penis and balding head."
gellaho
Uh oh, Akiro
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Now Kanno's 20-year long con to become a police informant
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Welp. Akiro's days of farming the press for SCH material are over.
gellaho
"Why are you taking your pants off, Kanno?"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Don't lick your lips when you talk about the body, Kanno"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I feel a MOISTENED coming up.
gellaho
"I'd say it comes from a dragon, possibly tattooic in origin. Uh, don't look at my back"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Yeah WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Trust me, I'm a necromancer. I know reptiles."
gellaho
"It probably lives on my, uh, their back"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Sure, just throw shade at sharks for not having arms. Dick.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Six foot serpents that fly arent naturally occuring?! WHAT?!
gellaho
"Someone as skilled as me, but definitely not me"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Werewolf"
Gentleman Brendan
again: sleepless, but this plot makes no sense
I get everyone's starting point
I just don't see any development. Only conversations.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
WEREDRAGON?!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I'm not far from where you are, Brendan. So far it's a lot of events that just seem to happen
gellaho
"BUT, AGAIN, IT'S NOT ME"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also both a small amount of applause and a hearty "fuck off" for "thaumagenetically engineered", Simon.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Kanno leaves just as Akiro gets the fax with Kaiser Soze's face printed on it
gellaho
"And I only implicated myself twice. Perfect plan"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Why are you saying all that out loud, Kanno?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Excuse me, Kanno-san, but I believe you dropped your wavy knife with a skull pommel?"
Gentleman Brendan
Kanno's his own hottest pursuer.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Oh thank you. I see you even wiped my sensei's blood off of it."
gellaho
Tatterdemalion! My old friend
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
GOR
Gentleman Brendan
Bill the Tatterdemalion
Crikey! 'E's et erry one of our scones, so 'e 'as!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Oi, blimey, 'e's gon' at tha' nosh like a right nutta!
Gentleman Brendan
"Suddenly, a dashing figure entered, brandishing a forbidden Science-Pistol! 'I'm here to solve all your problems,' murmured the newcomer. 'My name...is Rex Moran.' "
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
God if only.
Gentleman Brendan
I haven't given up hope Rex Moran will enter our world and fix everything.
What deterrent, the fictionbrane, to one such as Rex?
gellaho
Sick burn on your dead mom
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Akiro sighed. "Hello, Rex."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I would vote Rex Moran as president SO FUCKING HARD.
gellaho
Kanno thinks this necromancy might be a little gross
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also Kira, you need to think, is this ageless assassin really going to have a lot of positive memories in general, let alone of positive female figures in his life?
This is why he isn't fucking you.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
You know, a Rex Moran/Akiro buddy cop movie would kill
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Kanno.......why are you even a necromancer?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Being dead isn't automatically a problem for everyone. Look at Keith Richards.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Like surely there are better ways to get wizard juice and you are squicked out by basic necromancer shit.
gellaho
Can really see those nips through the velvet
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"THE POWERS OF LIFE AND DEATH MERGE AND BLUR INTO SOMETHING ICKY"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Zombie prostitutes notoriously cant pour wine.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"The other leg ended in a gnarled hoof"
gellaho
Might as well, I guess
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
So...is this necromancy?
Gentleman Brendan
Found the revenant that's going to kill Akiro after he thinks he's made his getaway.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Well....you could probably use forbidden magic to get a gun and shoot her in the face. That's probably a concern of hers.
Gentleman Brendan
Why waste magical energy when you can just order a gun by vacuum tube?
All you need is a trusting rich guy and a gun to coerce him.
gellaho
Fugisawa suspects Kanno and tells the mob
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That old Yakuza Don saying
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
You might wake up to a gift horse's head in your bed.
Gentleman Brendan
Horses should be the main mode of transport in a magical world, because horses are themselves magical, beautiful souls.
Some say angels? I am not making any such claims. Only that angels wish.
LyraV
Write that horse head death haiku
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"In Japan, we have a saying "forgeddaboudit."
gellaho
I can't wait to meet yakuza member dead meat
gellaho
Hard to believe that you are running on no sleep
Wyrdrune spends several pages worrying about Modred
Gentleman Brendan
It is necessary to remove the self to access the Unfolding in which all true comedy occurs.
In some ways, I, too, am a weird rune, children.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
'holding something back' is how he interprets 'bored'.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
For a second I thought Wyrdrune and Modred had cast aside their inhibitions and made passionate love and no..,,,,,
gellaho
Classic boner headache. You fellas know what I'm talking about
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
This is the wizard way of working up the courage to ask if he can put it in the butt
Gentleman Brendan
This was sweet.
Gentleman Brendan
Okay, different readings.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Wyrdrune needs some medication and a therapist.
gellaho
"When that didn't work, Wyrdrune started punching her"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
gellaho
Modred actually does that to a child
Gentleman Brendan
The fact that Leslie takes a final swipe after the nun tells him to move on...
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
My dude this is why she is contemplating fucking someone else, every time she doesnt wake up instantly you body slam her.
Gentleman Brendan
Billy and Kira have a Force diad.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Modred woke Billy up by slapping him and not piledriving him. WYRDRUNE!
gellaho
What a pleasant man
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Modred is what Frank Hardy wishes he could be
gellaho
Kanno: Murder Fuckboy
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Kanno's kind of living the dream. Except for the murders
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Kanno, you bitch and moan alot for a guy who is getting everything he wants.
gellaho
"Quite accomplished boffing, madame"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Oh this dark goddess just wants to fuck and breathe arcane power into my bones, its awful."
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Oh, I see. He's unhappy because she won't use the whips
Gentleman Brendan
Kanno's getting a little inscrutable for my comfort.
gellaho
Pay no attention to my crotch
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"She does amazing things to my dick and butthole and it sucks."
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Kanno's just imagining this while masturbating in the police station bathroom stall
gellaho
Evil? If only there were some sign!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Wait.........this is a SHOCK to you, the Evil Wizard Kanno?!
Like.........what the fuck man?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The evil lady was secretly EVIL?!
Gentleman Brendan
Kanno may be a Necromancer, but he's a patriot.
gellaho
Bone, indeed
gellaho
Appropriate for Episode 69 of the cage, I would say
Gentleman Brendan
The girl with the dragon tattoo that she controlled on someone else's body.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
nice.........
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
What if the IMMORTAL wouldn't die?
What did you study the past 20 years, Kanno?
gellaho
Enjoy this list of blades
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Tantos aren't for fighting. One star.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Okay fair is fair, kukri knives are fucking rad.
And fuck the British for not appreciating the Gurkhas enough.
Among other things.
LyraV
This I can get behind.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They're describing my favorite store in the mall.
gellaho
Wyrdrune is confused for a weeb
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Next to the tantos with the futuristic textured grips was a slushie machine and a display of cheap throwing stars."
LyraV
The one with the dusty bat'leth behind the counter mounted and possibly framed.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I never thought "weeb" would sound better, but "Japanophile" sounds really gross
gellaho
Modred's a little guy
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Yeah pedophiles have really ruined the general use of -philia.
gellaho
The insults hadn't been perfected in 1991
gellaho
Really ruined the reputation of all the upstanding necrophiles
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
We just called them "Nerds" back then.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
How we doing on progress through the book? We gonna be able to finish it tonight or is this going to be a two-parter?
gellaho
You really want to prank the Yakuza
gellaho
Page 114/214. I can usually skip a lot at the end. We'll see
He's cool with it
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"May I offer you some panties?"
Gentleman Brendan
They're describing the ONLY store in the mall.
gellaho
Akiro, Akiro, Akiro
gellaho
Why can't I be like Kanno?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Akiro calls up the police tipline to confess every time he kills a spider
Gentleman Brendan
The anti-Morpheus, if you will.
gellaho
At least Akiro's wife likes him
gellaho
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Where he wept"
Gentleman Brendan
Mrs. Akiro LOVES a fat ass.
gellaho
More characters! More Yakuza!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
NISHI!
A son turning against his own father is even worse than human trafficking or using that warm towel at restaurants on your face
Gentleman Brendan
White people just GET Japan because they read Michael Crichton.
gellaho
Anyway, those Yakuza are going to try to kill the Scooby Gang. I'm sure that won't get confusing
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
This is what every American thinks is being said when a bilingual person doesn't speak English
gellaho
LIIIIPS
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Which two fingers?"
"Not yours."
gellaho
"So, you are a free dirty cop?"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"It's just sex. I swear!"
gellaho
Wakka wakka
gellaho
Deadmeat 1 and 2
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
They knew if they crossed the Don that they'd be getting an offer they couldn't refuse upstate with the fishes cannoli best slice in town
gellaho
Yeah, dead as fuck
gellaho
RIP
gellaho
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Wings?
Kanno got a western dragon tattoo?
Gentleman Brendan
Post-collapse, dragons were real and it was revealed they all had wings.
Come on, this is basic stuff.
gellaho
The sex did not seem to help Akiro
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Akiro the constant buzzkill.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Eeyore Akiro
Gentleman Brendan
Men are never sadder than after sex.
gellaho
Ah, Japanese Miles O'Brien
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That explains a lot, really
gellaho
Kanno done gone and fucked with the mob
gellaho
"I'm in the mob, what do I care?"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
It is weird how the yakuza seem to care about not involving civilians more than other mafia. Unless they owe money
gellaho
Kanno's security sucks
Gentleman Brendan
They have teleportation now but they still fly planes?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Hey, he's a necromancer. Warding is...wait, what DID he learn from 20 years' study?
Teleportation is arduous or something in this world
gellaho
Good to know Wyrdrune still sucks
gellaho
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Next, Wyrdrune lights some road flares for them to pin to their lapels
Gentleman Brendan
A flashlight would have been safer and less energy consumption.
gellaho
Most people can't use magic
Gentleman Brendan
But noooooo collapsetech is verboten
Gentleman Brendan
But all planes are flown by magicians.
gellaho
Planes can carry many people
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
And they're a lot less safe than regular planes.
gellaho
Much like how I can fly in a plane without knowing how to pilot a plane
Gentleman Brendan
They could teleport the planes!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I'm sorry, I think I need to bow out. Nasty migraine is not going away. But thank you for the book read, @gellaho ! Great riffing everyone! Have a good night!
Gentleman Brendan
A loss for the world. Feel better.
If you die, I will send green orbs to your memorial.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Sorry to hear that, @FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer , feel better.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Thanks everybody. I'll be fine by tomorrow. Have a good one!
I look forward to reading the rest of this later!
gellaho
The Yakuza show up to add some bodies
gellaho
Say goodbye to the Yakuza
LyraV
Brutal
gellaho
And Billy has achieved his Knight Gorlois form
Gentleman Brendan
Did they have sex with the head?
LyraV
You already know the answer in your heart.
gellaho
Then he kills many zombies
Gentleman Brendan
Wheat, famous for turning into dying snakes.
gellaho
Gor blimey, indeed
Gentleman Brendan
KNOWN for...this Alex Schmidt voice you're hearing.
Find out why necromancy is secretly, incredibly fascinRy'Neh P'tuah Gl'rugga Pf'tha
gellaho
And all the Yakuza exploded
gellaho
"Oh, geez," thought Akiro
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He just felt tired, helpless, and really, really ugly.
gellaho
This gives Akiro the power to solve the case and suit up
gellaho
Our heroes spend a lot of time talking at a McDonald's
Little of incident occurs
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He calls his gun the Compensator.
Gentleman Brendan
#thechauffeurdidntkillhimself
gellaho
Akiro and the old mage finally catch up with the plot
gellaho
The traitorous son dies
Gentleman Brendan
That's gonna disappoint Don Other Yakuza Guy
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Ginza monster is kind of a lackluster name for a serial killer.
Especially a magic one.
gellaho
Leila gonna make that there Mt Fuji erupt
gellaho
Yakuza assassins take out the Don and the street cop
Gentleman Brendan
Having magicians is demonstrably worse than having technology.
One asshole is a bulletproof al-Qaeda