88: Time Wars #2: The Timekeepers Conspiracy Simon Hawke

gellaho

The Book Cage Episode 88 - Time Wars #2: The Timekeeper Conspiracy

Your boy Simon Hawke is back, this time in time travel form. In the 29th Century, nations and corporations resolve their conflicts in The Time Wars, where groups of soldiers are sent back in time to compete in historical battles overseen by referees. Does this matter to the plot of this book or any Time Wars book? Not really. Instead, what you get is fan fiction about old ass books. This Friday 5pm, eastern, join me in preventing the terrorist organization known as The Timekeepers from destroying the time stream by messing with the plot of a Three Musketeers story. Don't think about it too hard.

gellaho

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Okay but this cover instantly rocks

If this were on store shelves today I would buy that shit so damn fast

GDC

It looks like the Question went to a renfair/sci-fi convention.

gellaho

Probably should have cleaned that blood off Simon Hawke

Oh well

jakesy “the korf magician”

Nah it checks out with Hawke vibes.

FancyShark

Might be a bit late to the read today. Work stuff

gellaho

A little over an hour until Time Wars #2: The Timekeeper Conspiracy. Here is the preview.

gellaho

I will now review everything you need to know from the first book, which isn't much.

In the 29th Century, nations and corporations resolve their conflicts in The Time Wars, where groups of soldiers are sent back in time to compete in historical battles overseen by referees. This doesn't effect the 29th century because time flows like a river. Disturbances are like rocks, if the disturbances are small enough the river will go around and rejoin into the same stream. However, if the disturbance is large enough, the river splits in twain.

Our heroes are trying to prevent this.

Does this actually matter for the plot of this book? Not particularly.

There are four characters that survived the first book that you'll need to know.

Our time commandos are:

1) Lucas Priest: theoretically the main character. Personality: N/A

2) Finn Delaney: drunk & insubordinate. Oddly, usually takes the role of the main character in the past although not in this one.

Then you have Reese Hunter, the deserter from the preview. He was a time referee who went back to the 12th century to live as a sorcerer hermit.

Finally, you have the most interesting character: Andre de la Croix. She was a woman posing as a male knight in the 12th century before she found out about time travel. Reese Hunter decided to take her with him on his time journeys

gellaho

And you really don't even need to know all that

gellaho

Tell. Them. To. Suck. It.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Jump on your desk, tear off your shirt, and scream "I DONT WANT TO BE THIS KIND OF ANIMAL ANYMORE!" and run out the door into the bathroom and do Book Cage from there.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Okay so. They're sending gladiators back in time to do historical reenactment battles

Can't they just. Have a historical reenactment battle. In the present?

Star King Flippant Sausage

Not without time travel.

Its absolutely critical.

gellaho

There's probably a long explanation in the first book, but I read that like two years ago and don't remember. The actual Time Wars are actually fairly irrelevant to these books, they're more like Time Spies

The later books in this series have like a 10 page timeline that I have never and will never look at

Star King Flippant Sausage

Time spies sounds so cool and I know it could never deliver.

Brendan

STEELE YOURSELVES

Star King Flippant Sausage

:SteeleYourself:

Brendan

HAWKE YOUR WARES

SIMONIZE YOUR VEHICLES FOR SELF-INSERT

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

Guard your human dicks.

gellaho

Time to begin the process

Star King Flippant Sausage

Clutch your time amulets, friends.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Remarkably small book. Portable, even

Star King Flippant Sausage

it's almost dainty.

gellaho

I be a giant

Things are not going well for Ferret

Floygen

GRAY FOX COWBOY

Star King Flippant Sausage

You know you're a bad secret agent when the super secret squirrel handlers give you the code name that is a doofy hillbilly stink weasel.

gellaho

Really not well

Star King Flippant Sausage

Hahahah you fucked up so bad already, Ferret.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Oh so just the transmitter is fucked huh

gellaho

Vivisection is quite undignified

Brendan

Does the first signal have a messaging purpose or is it just a locational signal?

Floygen

'Goddammit, who put the ground chuck in the time machine'

Star King Flippant Sausage

"Jason, get the hoses, we lost another one. Put a call in to Mink and Ermine."

gellaho

Well, it was nice knowing Ferret

Brendan

So undignified being lulled to my rest by singing birds and sunshine.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Sucks to be you, Ferret. Off to that Petsmart display in the sky.

Floygen

This is less cold and more an absolute zero open

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

ligma nu...

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

I'm glad he got that gig with Malibu if nothing else

Star King Flippant Sausage

Its going to be really undignified in a second when the Probulator comes to harvest his scent glands.

Floygen

Great Book Cage, everyone! Well done! Didn't have a lot to work with, but hey...

gellaho

Meanwhile

Floygen

oh

Star King Flippant Sausage

Lucas Priest is the worst Mother 3\Judas Priest mashup band ever.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

I'm really glad Rob Halford decided to keep brainstorming band names.

Fuck, scooped

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

If there's anything this author knows it's repetitive experiences.

Brendan

Get your bets in now for our Ice's name.

Star King Flippant Sausage

"Obeying my Mom." was just the worst single, some things just arent metal.

Brutality of Stubborn Ramb$ne

Heckbent for Letters just didn't hit the same

Floygen

Call sign: Macaque

Brutality of Stubborn Ramb$ne

neither did Callin' the Cops

Star King Flippant Sausage

That one song about ibuprofen was weird.

gellaho

Thanks for the recap, Simon

gellaho

Star King Flippant Sausage

I wanted them to go with a Megaman style naming convention for the protag, and code name him something like Volt Mandrill or something.

The entire Referee Corps has magnificent thighs.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Aaand we're already way too timey wimey to be making sense

GDC

I'm not going to be around tonight, have fun everyone!

Floygen

whistle 'FLAG ON THE PLAY! ILLEGAL TIMEZONE VARIABLE!'

Star King Flippant Sausage

Fuck you book, you do not get to start referencing time travel like it would have nonproliferation treaties.

SALT my ass.

Brendan

We're not allowed to have time travel till we eradicate borders and special interests.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

"Personal foul: roughing the time stream. Half the distance to the nexus event. Automatic: first down."

gellaho

Ultimate freedom means living in the middle of the woods pretending to be a wizard

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Fucking Gary Seven and his socialist agenda. grumble grumble

Star King Flippant Sausage

Shit, ultimate freedom sounds like a fun weekend playing D&D in a cabin.

Brendan

Hunter's partner, Rip Kyle, was a cybernetic organism with synthetic flesh.

Floygen

'The future was doomed the moment those assholes mixed peanut butter with chocolate'

I know that was low effort I'm sorry

gellaho

The swinging Time Commandos bachelor pads

gellaho

Floygen

So far this book just makes me want to play Timesplitters 2

gellaho

✅ Redhead

Star King Flippant Sausage

Timesplitters 2, where they said yes to dual wielded sawed off shotguns.

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

Is that the one where you can do penguin curling?

Floygen

Wow, gellaho, how did you know I needed a haircut?

Star King Flippant Sausage

Emblazoning an armband with a rank insignia is a great way to attract chronosnipers.

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

That was worth a lot of post-bar fun in our old apartment back in the day.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Next thing you know your officers are turning into babies or lesser apes.

Floygen

You can do stuff with monkeys, I know that. Not sure about penguins

gellaho

Didn't expect the drunkenness and insubordination to come up immediately, but here we are

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

Right, it was monkeys. Durp.

It's been at least a decade plus 😅

Floygen

Same. I wish they'd re-release them already. 2 and Future Perfect were so good

Anyways, back to the time drama.

Star King Flippant Sausage

My guy you cannot have your blouse unbuttoned in the officers club. Fuck you, you're just wrong. Not even "loose cannon" wrong.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

#FreeTheNipple

gellaho

Doesn't seem like the anti-aging drugs are working too well

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

How far unbuttoned?

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Antiagathic

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

Didn't want to rip off Herbert and call it geriatric?

Star King Flippant Sausage

"When I was a young man we made do with our BRONZE time machines!"

gellaho

Confusion to the French

Floygen

Man, I never ever thought I would have a use for that besides cracking myself up, especially not like four years ago

Brendan

We may not have been able to use these digital timepads, but we could write in cursive when we got back to the Continental Congrefs

Star King Flippant Sausage

Time suck it, France.

Floygen

People have no excuses to be late to meetings in universes with available time travel

'Yes, I'll be to our office meeting this morning in five weeks after my twelfth vacation'

gellaho

Time Terrorists

gellaho

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

Legit the best use for that sort of technology.

Star King Flippant Sausage

"Hey you know that character we talked about? Forget his ass, he dead."

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

How exactly does one do terrorist activity to the time stream as part of the Time Preservation League

Star King Flippant Sausage

You do 9\11

Floygen

I mean, you did kind of render the job of a Timekeeper useless by proxy. I can understand why they'd be at least a little upset

gellaho

If I remember correctly, he invented time travel and has been dead for a while

Bring me my time dinner on my time plate

Star King Flippant Sausage

Dead, forget about him.

Floygen

'Dear, you haven't touched your entropeas at all. What's wrong?'

Star King Flippant Sausage

They are really missing the opportunity to add "chrono" to things.

gellaho

Why's it always gotta be France

gellaho

Next book is about the goddamned Scarlett Pimpernel. Doubled up on France

Brendan

This whole thing is about the Troubles, isn't it?

Brendan

It's kinda like the DRNK

Star King Flippant Sausage

Oh good, Louis XIII is one of the better Louises.

gellaho

It's about writing fanfiction about the three musketeers

Brendan

A time-assassin killed him in between dialogue and the history changed.

gellaho

Please forget that they are fictional

Floygen

That's a trigger name for Richie Rich, be careful, Simon

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

The episode of Gadget Boy about going back to Three Musketeers times was better than this

Star King Flippant Sausage

Fun Cardinal Richlieu fact, he may have invented the table knife.

gellaho

Cut to: 12th Century Lady Knight in 17th Century France

Star King Flippant Sausage

TIME!

Floygen

And just like La Croix, this story seems pretty watered down

Brendan

Before that people would just yell at you for bringing your dueling knife to the table.

Star King Flippant Sausage

It's SO HARD to eat chicken with a misericorde.

And their chicken sucked ass back then.

gellaho

The Girl Squire And Old Knight on ABC

gellaho

Floygen

Oh, I've figured it out - call sign: Charcuterie

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

An extremely dry and flavorless retelling of the backstory of this novel's most interesting character

gellaho

Simon saved all the characterization for Andre

Floygen

Hey, when you don't have breasts weighing you down

I'm sorry, is there actually going to be an android cowboy at some point, or is Simon pulling my leg?

Brendan

Androgynous knight is basically an android cowboy.

Star King Flippant Sausage

The android cowboy is sometimes the friends you made along the way, but in a metaphorical sense.

gellaho

You seem to have come up with that idea on your own

Floygen

That's just the first thing my brain comprehended with the cover

gellaho

That is a musketeer with a lightsaber. Which you'll kind of get

Floygen

What with the metallic sheen, laser sword and apparent lack of facial features

Eh, close enough. They were pretty much renaissance cowboys, right?

gellaho

Well, now it's a chronoplate

Star King Flippant Sausage

So what I'm hearing is this book will also be skipping over the parts of the Three Musketeers where they spend many pages trying to find mistresses to finance their lifestyles?

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Oh I know this. The chronoplate is what you get for winning World's Strongest Man

Floygen

I was wondering why this book was so French

gellaho

I mean, I'm definitely skipping over the parts just about the three musketeers because I absolutely do not care

Andre does not have time for this French floofiness

Floygen

My expectations have been curbed, I have established myself as an idiot, and we may now proceed with... shopping

gellaho

Sick burn on 17th century French men

Floygen

These people invented time travel just to become the fashion police, damn

Brendan

'She detested the lice which preferred unpowdered hair."

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

The senseless foolishness is what makes it fun!

gellaho

Who's on First?

Star King Flippant Sausage

No its easy to explain surgery. They HAD surgery in the 12th century.

It wasnt very good but it WAS surgery.

Floygen

'Don't you need soil and water for that? I'm confused, probably because this text needs to be padded out.'

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

"It's like butchery but better, and generally trying to keep the patient alive"

Star King Flippant Sausage

More along the lines of "Cut off your feet because you have an ingrown toenail" than anything but its still surgery.

Floygen

This guy wouldn't last a day in ophthalmology school smh

Star King Flippant Sausage

"Hey you know those weird guys with bloodstained aprons who cut hair? They also do fun stuff with meat, and in the future they stop cutting hair."

gellaho

Meanwhile, a prostitute attempts to seduce a gay guy

Star King Flippant Sausage

Whats the world coming to when you cant get your kidnapper to fuck you?

gellaho

A very fun way to call someone a slut

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Time travel!!

Star King Flippant Sausage

"ITS NOT A BRAND! its just a birthmark."

Brendan

Not a good look, Tay!

Star King Flippant Sausage

"Also its not a fleur de lys, you goob. Its shaped like a boot."

Floygen

Well, you sure showed her. I bet she'll think twice about... continuing to do what she's been doing for a living

gellaho

You always want a doctor with shakey hands

Star King Flippant Sausage

Its a bold choice to appropriate a fictional character from a book most people havent read for your time travel book most people wont read, I'll give em that.

gellaho

This, if anything, is the series Simon is known for. Which I don't understand because Steele and Psychodrome rules

Anyway, surprise!

Floygen

Good old :SteeleYourself:

Star King Flippant Sausage

Body double, sure. Nice job, Doc.

gellaho

Getting murdered by yourself, that's rough

Floygen

Oh, so now we're getting Time God involved

Star King Flippant Sausage

Chrono Jesus wont show up until 2098.

gellaho

Doc's never seen a dead body before

Star King Flippant Sausage

I mean you kinda DID have to kill her, Doc.

What were you gonna do otherwise?

All the things I can think of are more fucked up than a quick decapping.

gellaho

"Jimmy? Jimmy? Did you go somewhere?"

Floygen

I can smell the Reddit from this guy's character design, and it stinks

gellaho

Agent Jackass had to retire after all the ball shots

Star King Flippant Sausage

I guess the time terrorists didnt have a woman on hand who could body swap?

More mustelid code names too.

Floygen

'Turns out time-travel can't allow us to fix a bull horn to the appendix'

gellaho

Uncheck the redhead box

Floygen

Her call sign has to be Chameleon. I don't care if they've already said it.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Reversible redheadism.

Truly the wonders of futurescience.

Brendan

In 2570, natural redheads are almost extinct. Sowing Auburn Liaisons Temporally seeks to change that.

Floygen

That's a new one for the science journals - chronomelanodysplasia

gellaho

Finn and Lucas go to an Inn where D'Artagnan picks a fight with them. So Finn beats the shit out of him

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Nothing but respect for the source material, I see

gellaho

I mean, it would really be nothing if he didn't change anything

Floygen

This fight will end four more times

before the page turns

gellaho

KARATE TIME

Star King Flippant Sausage

Couldnt have been proper karate. He didnt yell HIIIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAH!

gellaho

D'Artagnan responds with some professional wrasslin

Star King Flippant Sausage

Sensei Doug would be ashamed.

Floygen

That's two, two more to go

Star King Flippant Sausage

Fuck yeah, fuck up this time nerd with a solid French chair.

Brendan

W. HOCK HOCHHEIM: HEIM COP

Floygen

unless she can't fight while unconscious, which, if she can't, I mean, what are we doing here

Brendan

It's "Heim time!" he screeches before accidentally killing Gilgamesh.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Gilgamesh has it coming.

Brendan

"Looks like these Be Bad Now Boys...are outta: time." He muttered, adjusting his bronze-age bolo

Floygen

In two messages Brendan has managed to construct a more compelling story than Simon Hawke

gellaho

The Count de Rochefort shows up (whoever that is) and one of his guard uses the same technique

Brendan

Heim writes the way he does because he has to explain everything to Time Idiots.

Brendan

See? Classic Heim.

Kicking when he promised punching.

Brendan

Taking this as a promise to buy my eventual book.

gellaho

Turns out that guard is mongoose

Floygen

Eventually!

Star King Flippant Sausage

Simon really really liked Three Musketeers and apparently believes you have to use every part of the book when you kill it.

Floygen

So this is the historical version of Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe, then

I'm sorry guys, I'm eternally fated not to understand anything

gellaho

Doc has gone missing and Hunter needed him for that implant. He is experiencing the French ennui

Star King Flippant Sausage

Just normal time shenanigans, Doc is probably doing surgery on a dinosaur and cant show up for your super cool secret rendez-vous.

Brendan

The implants can't perfect your accent?

Star King Flippant Sausage

Hunter needs to start smoking for the full French ennui to set it.

gellaho

Andre goes out to buy what constitutes masculine clothing in 17th century France

Star King Flippant Sausage

God are we back to this again?

gellaho

Then experiences wild mood swings as she rides through Paris

Star King Flippant Sausage

Crowded and noisy, not two things medieval military camps were famous for, huh Andre?

gellaho

Then she runs into D'Artagnon attempting to duel all Three Musketeers before a guard shows up. I'll leave that as an exercise for yourselves

Star King Flippant Sausage

Simon probably just copied it word for word anyway.

gellaho

Andre intervenes and falls into horse manure

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

French Psychic Bigfoot hypnotized her into dropping to all fours and eating shit

Star King Flippant Sausage

Le Grand Pied!

gellaho

Well, this really puts the horse shit into perspective

Star King Flippant Sausage

Oh noooooo that guy we didnt care about.

Brendan

Reese got creased!

Star King Flippant Sausage

Too bad Andre hoarded all the character traits, we might have felt a twinge of emotion.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Lucas and Finn have found great accommodation

gellaho

gellaho

He had a lot of shine in the first book

Brendan

JUST GET A CAT

gellaho

Mongoose shows up and reveals that he wants to kill Jesus? Or something?

gellaho

Star King Flippant Sausage

I mean........Jesus already dies in the end (spoilers) so........

Fill your boots, Mongoose.

Maybe you can make him double dead?

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

If we're going by Time Hitman rules, does the crucifixion qualify as an accident kill

gellaho

Mongoose seems fun

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

He produced a laser

Just pulled a whole ass energy beam out of his pocket

gellaho

He is from the future

Star King Flippant Sausage

Mongoose is kind of an asshole, I bet he gets a lot of complaints to Time HR.

Brendan

Mongoose throws douche waves

gellaho

The devices get crazier as these books go on

I didn't know "Forget that noise" was invented in 1984

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

He time traveled and learned it from the future, then brought it back and made it popular. Bootstrap paradox

gellaho

Andre just hanging out with a dead body for two days in her underwear, no biggie

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Oh, that must have been a pleasant stench to room with.

Star King Flippant Sausage

God Andre, at least throw him to the pigs. Its France, theyll be understanding. Just say he was English.

gellaho

Comically erotic and dangerous

Star King Flippant Sausage

Dangerous for a person who's never used a rapier anyway.

gellaho

In comes the bad guy with the light tube

Star King Flippant Sausage

Laser pen is so useful! Take it with you everywhere.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

No one's stream is that powerful, Hawke. I don't care how much water you've had today.

gellaho

Well then

gellaho

Crisis averted

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Hahah get fucking squashed, you nerd

Also Terrorist Larynx is a sick punk band name

Brendan

PUNCHES CREED: Dagger vs Laser

gellaho

Time to dismember the bodies

Star King Flippant Sausage

Terrorist forgets the first rule of Knife Vs Laser.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

I feel like Simon is working out his frustration re: dismemberment being patched out of the Jedi Knight games.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Extraordinary? Pffft. Any woman I know is totally ready to dismember a body.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Too bad the internet didnt exist back then, he could have found out how to get it back in.