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And the groups just miss each other. Well, I'm sure you'd forget the lady knight who saved your ass on your last mission
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#2 Time Wars
And the groups just miss each other. Well, I'm sure you'd forget the lady knight who saved your ass on your last mission
Understandable. Shes standing up and not covered in horse shit, and Lucas has Standing Blindness.
The lips were those of a voluptuary
Gimme them liiiips, Simon
👄
This could have been the most New Wave movie ever made.
Go to the future and get the dick of your dreams, fellas
Instead that title goes to Dune.
I mean yeah, thats what I'm hoping for for the future of medicine. Dick reshaping and restoration.
Still hope for Steele.
Dicks for the dickless (who want them.)
Here's some of my blood from the first time I read this
Oh, and Taylor's gone crazy
Method acting is still bizarre and unsettling to the Men of Tomorrow.
Jimmy is very astute
It sounds like Taylor kinda wants to murderfuck Mongoose.
Probably
The Musketeers found that manure quite arousing
and God help Mongoose, now Taylor has Milady's skills to achieve that end.
D'Artagnan then fucks his landlord's wife, so that manure allure didn't last long
Normal Three Musketeers stuff.
Simon resting his vast imagination again.
Turns out Time Wars is all about TUBES
Anti-Grav unlimited had RODS Time Wars has TUBES
Time is a series of tubes. Like the internet.
Time doesn't really flow like a river. It's more of a series of tubes
FUCK
Scooped again, curses
D'Artagnan has mastered the art of the dick kick
The most true to form Three Musketeers fight move thus far tbh
Andre puts on her Zorro costume
D'Artagan went to the 70's and learned some Karate from Py Bateman.
It's almost like using karate in 17th century was a bad idea
Or maybe the BEST idea.
"What does katana mean?"
"It means 'Japanese sword'."
Oh this is going to split the timeline for sure.
Meanwhile, Mongoose is back to hassle Finn and Lucas
Which seems to be all he does
Nosebleed?
"If I was a cleaning woman you would be dead" is making me think Mongoose is Fenton Hardy's great great grandson.
I think I cut my fingers on a broken wineglass
's Clone.
Just an absolute dick
Seems like mongoose also wants a piece of Taylor. Take that however you want
I kinda hope they shoot Mongoose in the back when he isnt looking.
"What does it mean that this terrorist is better than the average terrorist" is easily in the running for stupidest question of the book
See your problem is a samurai can deflect a laser with his katana (a type of sword used by samurai.) You need machine guns, that's historically been a useful means of samurai dispatch.
Its nice he returns Taylors feelings tho.
So many words to call Taylor a Batman villain.
Oh man the Joker would totally get bottom surgery and fuck Batman.
Highly effective but you have to beware your opponent doesn't have a Tom Cruise Samurai on the field. Those are immune to machine gun
It's good that no other Moreau's ever show up in this series
Especially no doctors with that name
hehehehe ex-seamen.
Dr Moreau shows up in book 7
Oh god damn it
Does he at least wear an ice bucket on his head?
hahahaha yeah.
Oh, no it rules. By that point Simon has completely stopped giving a shit
I mean, I'm not going to tell you what he does. But it's fucking crazy
Book 7 is the Ancient Greek one, so when I tell you it doesn't make sense. It really doesn't make sense
W—
What the fuck is Dr Moreau doing in Ancient Greece
Providing King Leonidas catboys for the Spartan army to fuck?
Hopefully making chimeras
Holy shit does he make the Minotaur???
oh hey turns out that phrase summons me
spoilers
Can I get a quick odds check on Rex Moran?
Say it three times into a mirror and you get free legal advice before the ice pick enters your ear.
May I also get a quick summarizationing?
Doc explains to Andre 1500 years in a couple of hours
another 1500 and he'll be andre 3000
It's Three Musketeers but there's a lady knight masquerading as a man and the villain is an insane man posing as a female prostitute
Rad
A time terrorist got bottom surgery to own his non terrorist rival.
Thankya both!
that phrase would also have worked
That's some commitment, damn.
that is some real hardcore closetedness
Jimmy, who is also a terrorist, thinks its a bit crazy.
Jimmy the Terrorist?
Not the bottom surgery part, just the "Did it to fuck over my rival." part.
Andre rules
Nah, he's gay and out. The surgery was more of a Face/Off scenario
SICK
Yeah, he cut the woman's head off with a lazer
He needs to get trained by lu-tze the sweeper
I love it when you make Discworld references.
also i came out as bi six years before i came out as trans so
Gad, how I've missed sci-fi Hawke
Couldn't think of one of Miss Cosmopolisis's koans
Terrorism seems fun
Brandishing a laser in 14 century France, like a real Time Cop
Yeah Jimmy and Toni, Time Terrorists.
Nobody take that out of context
Mmm, heavy chest you say?
One mans Terrorist Training Camp is another mans Action Park.
Someone call for a heavy chest terrorist
My chest, too, is heavy with the weight of murdered men.
It's SHOCKWAVE DAY
Ehhhh you're not even gonna prescribe him some lithium jimmy?
Every day is Shockwave Day if you believe
Things do not go well for Tonio
Mine is both light and fresh. I put cedar chips and dried herbs in the bottom before I store my quilts in it.
Funny story. He used to be called Handtonio before this
Mongoose seems like a great guy
"Now start talking or we'll stick needles under your fingerna- wait. Dammit."
Dont worry, Toni. If future science can restore Taylors dick if he wants, it can fix your hand. The nand is the dick of the arm, after all.
Do the lasers cauterize the wounds like in star wars
Are we, Mongoose?
I want to say yes but they put down some bedding earlier when they dismembered a body and I want to say it was to catch the blood
I'll say this for Time Wars Book 2: It doesn't contain 88 pages of ontological discussion on the human soul.
He's turning more Cajun by the moment
Also flipping the capsule trope was really good.
Well then
How was that?
But does include a lot of Three Musketeers
They ripped out the molars before he could bite them
That I've skipped
"Hey uh, Mongoose. We checked, these are just teeth. He didnt have poison in them."
oh, sure, ocular flashbang, classic cerberus move
Fucking rad
Poor bastard. If only they FUCK I was going to make the ocular flashbang joke
This is like the third time I've been scooped tonight, I'm off my game
the whole time he was out they were rapping on his teeth to see which were hollow.
I blame overtime
sorry baby
It happens
Like who DOESNT put a brain bomb in the heads of their henchmen?
Hey, as long as the joke gets made
You cant narc if your prefrontal cortex is jelly.
well the joker did the abdomen
I'm not really following the connection, but Lucas remembers the lady knight from his last mission
He would have done the brain but thats much harder surgery.
He put a redundancy failsafe!
and there was that one womb bomb from that awful comic
Tummy bomb you can do with a sharp knife, a staplegun and some opium.
Impossible, he can't be drunk from La Croix.
Or a really big sandwich
unless it's summer slammers.
Lucas fondly remembers the concussion he received from Andre
As would we all tbh
These people are time travel gods from the 26th century, they probably implanted it in his brain as a fetus or time-dropped it into his head a second later.
Unfortunately, they implanted it via catheter
Andre as described resembles my art teacher whom I had a crush on.
I'd let her stab me at least once.
As would we all tbh
Hahaha hahaha haha! Simon, you are undefeated
THERE WAS NOTHING SEXUAL IN THE CONTACT AT ALL.
PERVS.
ugh i hate going to the ladies room in england
plus i might need that dagger or rapier
Florida permits vigilante laser murder but it has some really weird prerequisites to join a posse.
Its the fact they make you participate that really bothers me.
Like just do it, Bathroom Provost, dont make me make you do it.
I think they call them "prefects" actually
Andre goes to 2023 and asks "Hey, why are all these people yelling "Step on me, Mommy!" and what does "Yass Queen!" mean? I'm not the Queen."
Lucas, forgetting the beating he had previously, tries to take Andre hostage
Only in schools.
Lucas.........you fuckin suck.
Nobody's prefect in Vichy France.
You guys are supposed to be commandos from the future.
do you need seven years of surgery training to wield a deadly laser beam
is laura linney's congo character even radder than previously known?
No, Andre rules
Nah, just believe really hard in the Force and you're good
Both of these things can be true at the same time.
Boy howdy I am confused about the factions at play here.
But D'Artagnan drunkenly shows up and stops that whole thing. Which is more of a Hardy Boys chapter break, but here we are
D'artagnan's like the scene curtain.
Let us know if he starts throwing church pews around
A scene curtain who fucks his landlords wife.
Then Mongoose runs in and kills Doc
Guess he let off some steam
Correct, he was trying to do that again
I like how there was no cool reveal that Mongoose was disguised as a guard captain. It just tells you he showed up
A real master of preserving tension, this Hawke
Then he falls down the stairs with his ass out
"Haha, it was me! Mongoose!"
Is this praxis?
I think so.
No shirt, no shoes, no swashbuckling
I'm pretty sure Marx said we should cuck landlords.
D'ohtagnan
Simon got the spirit of the Three Musketeers, I'll give him that.
Bugs for everyone!
Brings a whole new meaning to mlm
"They laughed when I demanded the fart monitor. But who's laughing now?"
Finn and Mongoose threaten to fuck each other
Whole bubonic plague was just an allergic reaction to microbotics.
Lice bugs for the First Estate!
Finn and Mongoose are a fun couple
Im imagining Mongoose as Hunter Gathers from Venture Brothers now.
Floater paks
Hawke never fails to impress with naming things so you know what he means but you still demand an explanation
I got the floater pak for my N64 controller way back when. It's still up on my ceiling.
He should team up with Hock for a happy medium. (real human penis)
Andre on the loose
He's the best
The important thing is that mongoose has everything covered on both ends
This Mongoose sitcom is pretty good
So Andre is from the 12th C but now it's the 18th and she hasn't yet gone to t he 15th where she meets Lucas...?
Mongoose i don't understand, i should get her drunk?
Not so fuckin smart now, are you future weasel man?!
Andre de la Croix is Rambo in: First Blood
"No I mean I dosed her with an airborne toxin from the future. She has six hours to live."
Oh Mongoose is going to fucking die. Andre is going to gut him groin to gizzard. This dude is so fucking fucked.
He's gonna give himself a hernia with the size of that death flag.
All this build up is called "seasoning the meat"
Don't ask me what that means. I'm very hungry.
For VENGEANCE
RIP Jimmy
He died as he lived: Jimmy
well we love a hungry vengeful shark, that's why jaws was so good
Secret protagonist Andre
Nysteel is pretty magical
Man, Bimmy is going to be so upset.
Yeah we all saw this coming. No Jimmy who isnt in a Superman comic can survive a full narrative arc.
"Sure am glad I didn't sit on that remote at any point before now"
wait who is supposed to be the protagonist? Genuinely cannot tell
Andre I think
even then
By virtue of being most interesting
Andre resolves to go to the future
Andre will be the protag by merit of body count and not being dead
Yeah its Andre. Mongoose and his commandos seem like they are pissed cos Taylor is trying to stop the time war and end time travel, and is threatening to do a timeline split?
It's supposed to be Lucas Priest, but Simon has already tired of him
Simon Hawke is very flexible
Who wouldn't
Prolonging a time war or committing a possible atrocity, neither really seem like protagonists.
Honestly Andre's understanding of this stuff is the same as ours. We just shrug science whereas she thinks magic.
I can't build a popcorn maker, can you?
Science is magic.
Same thing.
It's one of the best parts about Hawke. You can see him start thinking about something else and not give a shit
god i can't sit through another time war, I've watched so much god damn doctor who
This ends with Andre getting FtM surgery right?
If Ten and Andre teamed up, would the galaxy implode?
She is the only one free at this point
She also learned French in like a week, I think?
Only if they then also teamed up with Seven and Ace
French is mostly clicks and whistles, so it's pretty easy to pick up
I thought Reese gave her wetware to learn anything.
the whole who's on first shtick.
Hang on.
Are we sure all those midnight whistler sightings aren't just French people who got lost on a hike?
He was trying to get her the implant, but Hunter died
Nysteel proves this is all one universe.
The explanation given was that she knew 12th century Norman
Steele could easily live long enough to become a Time Soldier.
Norman always was a helpful guy
French is easy. Baguette. Si vous plait, puis-je jouir sur tes pieds?
If it wasn't for that dastardly Victor Milan
je n'en ai pas la moindre idée
I don't know why, but this last sentence made me laugh out loud
Aw blah ess pan yoll
So peaceful. WAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH
Yeah that's world class funny. "Somewhere, a baby cried."
No matter where or when you go, there will always be a crying baby to ruin the mood.
🎵 The baaaaabe in the alley is crying and cold
The girl from Normandy runs freeeeeeee
But somewhere a glory awaits nysteel
Tomorrow beeeeelongs to Miladyyyyyy 🎵
The only time a crying baby was a narrative asset was in Hard Boiled.
Tonight's Ice is played by a German named Maytag Freytag
Children of Men
Check his lats
Baby's Day Out
A Quiet Place
Freytag just means Friday I'm pretty sure?
ROLF MOELLER: ICE
then have him have you check his genitals