88: Time Wars #2: The Timekeepers Conspiracy Simon Hawke

gellaho

And the groups just miss each other. Well, I'm sure you'd forget the lady knight who saved your ass on your last mission

Star King Flippant Sausage

Understandable. Shes standing up and not covered in horse shit, and Lucas has Standing Blindness.

gellaho

The lips were those of a voluptuary

gellaho

Gimme them liiiips, Simon

Star King Flippant Sausage

👄

Brendan

This could have been the most New Wave movie ever made.

gellaho

Go to the future and get the dick of your dreams, fellas

Brendan

Instead that title goes to Dune.

Star King Flippant Sausage

I mean yeah, thats what I'm hoping for for the future of medicine. Dick reshaping and restoration.

Brendan

Still hope for Steele.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Dicks for the dickless (who want them.)

gellaho

Here's some of my blood from the first time I read this

gellaho

Oh, and Taylor's gone crazy

Star King Flippant Sausage

Method acting is still bizarre and unsettling to the Men of Tomorrow.

gellaho

Jimmy is very astute

Star King Flippant Sausage

It sounds like Taylor kinda wants to murderfuck Mongoose.

gellaho

Probably

The Musketeers found that manure quite arousing

Brendan

and God help Mongoose, now Taylor has Milady's skills to achieve that end.

gellaho

D'Artagnan then fucks his landlord's wife, so that manure allure didn't last long

Star King Flippant Sausage

Normal Three Musketeers stuff.

Simon resting his vast imagination again.

gellaho

Turns out Time Wars is all about TUBES

gellaho

Anti-Grav unlimited had RODS Time Wars has TUBES

Star King Flippant Sausage

Time is a series of tubes. Like the internet.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Time doesn't really flow like a river. It's more of a series of tubes

FUCK

Scooped again, curses

gellaho

D'Artagnan has mastered the art of the dick kick

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

The most true to form Three Musketeers fight move thus far tbh

gellaho

Andre puts on her Zorro costume

Star King Flippant Sausage

D'Artagan went to the 70's and learned some Karate from Py Bateman.

gellaho

It's almost like using karate in 17th century was a bad idea

Star King Flippant Sausage

Or maybe the BEST idea.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

"What does katana mean?"

"It means 'Japanese sword'."

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

Oh this is going to split the timeline for sure.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Mongoose is back to hassle Finn and Lucas

gellaho

Which seems to be all he does

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

Nosebleed?

Star King Flippant Sausage

"If I was a cleaning woman you would be dead" is making me think Mongoose is Fenton Hardy's great great grandson.

gellaho

I think I cut my fingers on a broken wineglass

Star King Flippant Sausage

's Clone.

gellaho

Just an absolute dick

gellaho

Seems like mongoose also wants a piece of Taylor. Take that however you want

Star King Flippant Sausage

I kinda hope they shoot Mongoose in the back when he isnt looking.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

"What does it mean that this terrorist is better than the average terrorist" is easily in the running for stupidest question of the book

Brendan

See your problem is a samurai can deflect a laser with his katana (a type of sword used by samurai.) You need machine guns, that's historically been a useful means of samurai dispatch.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Its nice he returns Taylors feelings tho.

Brendan

So many words to call Taylor a Batman villain.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Oh man the Joker would totally get bottom surgery and fuck Batman.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Highly effective but you have to beware your opponent doesn't have a Tom Cruise Samurai on the field. Those are immune to machine gun

gellaho

It's good that no other Moreau's ever show up in this series

gellaho

Especially no doctors with that name

Star King Flippant Sausage

hehehehe ex-seamen.

gellaho

Dr Moreau shows up in book 7

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Oh god damn it

Does he at least wear an ice bucket on his head?

Star King Flippant Sausage

hahahaha yeah.

gellaho

Oh, no it rules. By that point Simon has completely stopped giving a shit

gellaho

I mean, I'm not going to tell you what he does. But it's fucking crazy

Book 7 is the Ancient Greek one, so when I tell you it doesn't make sense. It really doesn't make sense

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

W—

What the fuck is Dr Moreau doing in Ancient Greece

Star King Flippant Sausage

Providing King Leonidas catboys for the Spartan army to fuck?

FancyShark

Hopefully making chimeras

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Holy shit does he make the Minotaur???

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

oh hey turns out that phrase summons me

gellaho

spoilers

Brendan

Can I get a quick odds check on Rex Moran?

Star King Flippant Sausage

Say it three times into a mirror and you get free legal advice before the ice pick enters your ear.

FancyShark

May I also get a quick summarizationing?

gellaho

Doc explains to Andre 1500 years in a couple of hours

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

another 1500 and he'll be andre 3000

gellaho

It's Three Musketeers but there's a lady knight masquerading as a man and the villain is an insane man posing as a female prostitute

FancyShark

Rad

Star King Flippant Sausage

A time terrorist got bottom surgery to own his non terrorist rival.

FancyShark

Thankya both!

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

that phrase would also have worked

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

That's some commitment, damn.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

that is some real hardcore closetedness

Star King Flippant Sausage

Jimmy, who is also a terrorist, thinks its a bit crazy.

FancyShark

Jimmy the Terrorist?

Star King Flippant Sausage

Not the bottom surgery part, just the "Did it to fuck over my rival." part.

gellaho

Andre rules

gellaho

Nah, he's gay and out. The surgery was more of a Face/Off scenario

FancyShark

SICK

gellaho

Yeah, he cut the woman's head off with a lazer

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

He needs to get trained by lu-tze the sweeper

Star King Flippant Sausage

I love it when you make Discworld references.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

also i came out as bi six years before i came out as trans so

FancyShark

Gad, how I've missed sci-fi Hawke

gellaho

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Couldn't think of one of Miss Cosmopolisis's koans

gellaho

Terrorism seems fun

FancyShark

Brandishing a laser in 14 century France, like a real Time Cop

Star King Flippant Sausage

Yeah Jimmy and Toni, Time Terrorists.

gellaho

Nobody take that out of context

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Mmm, heavy chest you say?

Star King Flippant Sausage

One mans Terrorist Training Camp is another mans Action Park.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Someone call for a heavy chest terrorist

Brendan

My chest, too, is heavy with the weight of murdered men.

It's SHOCKWAVE DAY

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Ehhhh you're not even gonna prescribe him some lithium jimmy?

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Every day is Shockwave Day if you believe

gellaho

Things do not go well for Tonio

Star King Flippant Sausage

Mine is both light and fresh. I put cedar chips and dried herbs in the bottom before I store my quilts in it.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Funny story. He used to be called Handtonio before this

gellaho

Mongoose seems like a great guy

FancyShark

"Now start talking or we'll stick needles under your fingerna- wait. Dammit."

Star King Flippant Sausage

Dont worry, Toni. If future science can restore Taylors dick if he wants, it can fix your hand. The nand is the dick of the arm, after all.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Do the lasers cauterize the wounds like in star wars

gellaho

Are we, Mongoose?

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

I want to say yes but they put down some bedding earlier when they dismembered a body and I want to say it was to catch the blood

Brendan

I'll say this for Time Wars Book 2: It doesn't contain 88 pages of ontological discussion on the human soul.

FancyShark

He's turning more Cajun by the moment

Brendan

Also flipping the capsule trope was really good.

gellaho

Well then

gellaho

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

How was that?

gellaho

But does include a lot of Three Musketeers

FancyShark

They ripped out the molars before he could bite them

gellaho

That I've skipped

Star King Flippant Sausage

"Hey uh, Mongoose. We checked, these are just teeth. He didnt have poison in them."

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

oh, sure, ocular flashbang, classic cerberus move

FancyShark

Fucking rad

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Poor bastard. If only they FUCK I was going to make the ocular flashbang joke

This is like the third time I've been scooped tonight, I'm off my game

Brendan

the whole time he was out they were rapping on his teeth to see which were hollow.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

I blame overtime

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

sorry baby

FancyShark

It happens

Star King Flippant Sausage

Like who DOESNT put a brain bomb in the heads of their henchmen?

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Hey, as long as the joke gets made

Star King Flippant Sausage

You cant narc if your prefrontal cortex is jelly.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

well the joker did the abdomen

gellaho

I'm not really following the connection, but Lucas remembers the lady knight from his last mission

Star King Flippant Sausage

He would have done the brain but thats much harder surgery.

Brendan

He put a redundancy failsafe!

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

and there was that one womb bomb from that awful comic

Star King Flippant Sausage

Tummy bomb you can do with a sharp knife, a staplegun and some opium.

Brendan

Impossible, he can't be drunk from La Croix.

FancyShark

Or a really big sandwich

Brendan

unless it's summer slammers.

gellaho

Lucas fondly remembers the concussion he received from Andre

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

As would we all tbh

Brendan

These people are time travel gods from the 26th century, they probably implanted it in his brain as a fetus or time-dropped it into his head a second later.

FancyShark

Unfortunately, they implanted it via catheter

Brendan

Andre as described resembles my art teacher whom I had a crush on.

I'd let her stab me at least once.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

As would we all tbh

gellaho

Hahaha hahaha haha! Simon, you are undefeated

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

THERE WAS NOTHING SEXUAL IN THE CONTACT AT ALL.

PERVS.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

ugh i hate going to the ladies room in england

plus i might need that dagger or rapier

Brendan

Florida permits vigilante laser murder but it has some really weird prerequisites to join a posse.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Its the fact they make you participate that really bothers me.

Like just do it, Bathroom Provost, dont make me make you do it.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

I think they call them "prefects" actually

Star King Flippant Sausage

Andre goes to 2023 and asks "Hey, why are all these people yelling "Step on me, Mommy!" and what does "Yass Queen!" mean? I'm not the Queen."

gellaho

Lucas, forgetting the beating he had previously, tries to take Andre hostage

Star King Flippant Sausage

Only in schools.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Lucas.........you fuckin suck.

Brendan

Nobody's prefect in Vichy France.

Star King Flippant Sausage

You guys are supposed to be commandos from the future.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

do you need seven years of surgery training to wield a deadly laser beam

is laura linney's congo character even radder than previously known?

gellaho

No, Andre rules

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Nah, just believe really hard in the Force and you're good

Star King Flippant Sausage

Both of these things can be true at the same time.

Brendan

Boy howdy I am confused about the factions at play here.

gellaho

But D'Artagnan drunkenly shows up and stops that whole thing. Which is more of a Hardy Boys chapter break, but here we are

Brendan

D'artagnan's like the scene curtain.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Let us know if he starts throwing church pews around

Star King Flippant Sausage

A scene curtain who fucks his landlords wife.

gellaho

Then Mongoose runs in and kills Doc

gellaho

FancyShark

Guess he let off some steam

gellaho

Correct, he was trying to do that again

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

I like how there was no cool reveal that Mongoose was disguised as a guard captain. It just tells you he showed up

A real master of preserving tension, this Hawke

gellaho

Then he falls down the stairs with his ass out

Star King Flippant Sausage

"Haha, it was me! Mongoose!"

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Is this praxis?

Star King Flippant Sausage

I think so.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

No shirt, no shoes, no swashbuckling

Star King Flippant Sausage

I'm pretty sure Marx said we should cuck landlords.

FancyShark

D'ohtagnan

Star King Flippant Sausage

Simon got the spirit of the Three Musketeers, I'll give him that.

gellaho

Bugs for everyone!

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Brings a whole new meaning to mlm

FancyShark

"They laughed when I demanded the fart monitor. But who's laughing now?"

gellaho

Finn and Mongoose threaten to fuck each other

Brendan

Whole bubonic plague was just an allergic reaction to microbotics.

Lice bugs for the First Estate!

FancyShark

Finn and Mongoose are a fun couple

Star King Flippant Sausage

Im imagining Mongoose as Hunter Gathers from Venture Brothers now.

gellaho

Floater paks

FancyShark

Hawke never fails to impress with naming things so you know what he means but you still demand an explanation

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

I got the floater pak for my N64 controller way back when. It's still up on my ceiling.

Brendan

He should team up with Hock for a happy medium. (real human penis)

gellaho

Andre on the loose

gellaho

He's the best

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

The important thing is that mongoose has everything covered on both ends

FancyShark

This Mongoose sitcom is pretty good

Brendan

So Andre is from the 12th C but now it's the 18th and she hasn't yet gone to t he 15th where she meets Lucas...?

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Mongoose i don't understand, i should get her drunk?

Star King Flippant Sausage

Not so fuckin smart now, are you future weasel man?!

gellaho

Andre de la Croix is Rambo in: First Blood

Star King Flippant Sausage

"No I mean I dosed her with an airborne toxin from the future. She has six hours to live."

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Oh Mongoose is going to fucking die. Andre is going to gut him groin to gizzard. This dude is so fucking fucked.

Star King Flippant Sausage

He's gonna give himself a hernia with the size of that death flag.

FancyShark

All this build up is called "seasoning the meat"

Don't ask me what that means. I'm very hungry.

For VENGEANCE

gellaho

RIP Jimmy

FancyShark

He died as he lived: Jimmy

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

well we love a hungry vengeful shark, that's why jaws was so good

Brendan

Secret protagonist Andre

gellaho

Nysteel is pretty magical

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Man, Bimmy is going to be so upset.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Yeah we all saw this coming. No Jimmy who isnt in a Superman comic can survive a full narrative arc.

FancyShark

"Sure am glad I didn't sit on that remote at any point before now"

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

wait who is supposed to be the protagonist? Genuinely cannot tell

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Andre I think

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

even then

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

By virtue of being most interesting

gellaho

Andre resolves to go to the future

FancyShark

Andre will be the protag by merit of body count and not being dead

Star King Flippant Sausage

Yeah its Andre. Mongoose and his commandos seem like they are pissed cos Taylor is trying to stop the time war and end time travel, and is threatening to do a timeline split?

gellaho

It's supposed to be Lucas Priest, but Simon has already tired of him

Simon Hawke is very flexible

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Who wouldn't

Star King Flippant Sausage

Prolonging a time war or committing a possible atrocity, neither really seem like protagonists.

Brendan

Honestly Andre's understanding of this stuff is the same as ours. We just shrug science whereas she thinks magic.

I can't build a popcorn maker, can you?

Star King Flippant Sausage

Science is magic.

Same thing.

FancyShark

It's one of the best parts about Hawke. You can see him start thinking about something else and not give a shit

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

god i can't sit through another time war, I've watched so much god damn doctor who

Brendan

This ends with Andre getting FtM surgery right?

FancyShark

If Ten and Andre teamed up, would the galaxy implode?

gellaho

She is the only one free at this point

gellaho

She also learned French in like a week, I think?

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Only if they then also teamed up with Seven and Ace

FancyShark

French is mostly clicks and whistles, so it's pretty easy to pick up

Brendan

I thought Reese gave her wetware to learn anything.

the whole who's on first shtick.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Hang on.

Are we sure all those midnight whistler sightings aren't just French people who got lost on a hike?

gellaho

He was trying to get her the implant, but Hunter died

Brendan

Nysteel proves this is all one universe.

gellaho

The explanation given was that she knew 12th century Norman

Brendan

Steele could easily live long enough to become a Time Soldier.

FancyShark

Norman always was a helpful guy

Star King Flippant Sausage

French is easy. Baguette. Si vous plait, puis-je jouir sur tes pieds?

gellaho

If it wasn't for that dastardly Victor Milan

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

je n'en ai pas la moindre idée

gellaho

I don't know why, but this last sentence made me laugh out loud

FancyShark

Aw blah ess pan yoll

So peaceful. WAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Yeah that's world class funny. "Somewhere, a baby cried."

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

No matter where or when you go, there will always be a crying baby to ruin the mood.

Brendan

🎵 The baaaaabe in the alley is crying and cold

The girl from Normandy runs freeeeeeee

But somewhere a glory awaits nysteel

Tomorrow beeeeelongs to Miladyyyyyy 🎵

Star King Flippant Sausage

The only time a crying baby was a narrative asset was in Hard Boiled.

gellaho

Tonight's Ice is played by a German named Maytag Freytag

gellaho

Brendan

Children of Men

FancyShark

Check his lats

gellaho

Baby's Day Out

FancyShark

A Quiet Place

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Freytag just means Friday I'm pretty sure?

Brendan

ROLF MOELLER: ICE

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

then have him have you check his genitals