88: Time Wars #2: The Timekeepers Conspiracy Simon Hawke

gellaho

He's talking to Mongoose, so that either means:

A) He's a double agent or

B) Mongoose is evil

I do not remember which because I read this two years ago

Star King Flippant Sausage

None of those movies involve leaping out of a hospital window while it explodes with a baby wrapped in a bulletproof vest, so no.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Mongoose? Evil? Nahhhhh

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

is that a joke, do we not know mongoose is evil?

FancyShark

Was Mongoose's allegiance in question?

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

He's just quirky

FancyShark

You've clearly never seen the director's cut of Baby's Day Out

gellaho

I guess that means he's on the good side

Star King Flippant Sausage

No because it isnt Hard Boiled.

gellaho

Which makes him closer to Ice

As we should all aspire to be

Brendan

Shoot 'Em Up --Clive Owen: baby action star

Star King Flippant Sausage

That baby sucked, it couldnt act its way out of the dumpster it was born it.

Brendan

Rest in Paradox, Time-King of Hell

FancyShark

Alfred Ashford thinks Mongoose is "a bit unstable"

Star King Flippant Sausage

Shoot Em Up was a good ass movie tho.

gellaho

Andre's back in the stink again

FancyShark

Several gallons of perfume should mask that

Star King Flippant Sausage

She's English, she's used to it.

gellaho

THEY DREW FIRST BLOOD

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

She stayed in the refuse for several minutes??

Andre, please, respect yourself as much as we respect you!

Star King Flippant Sausage

Knee deep in French mud and shit is the best place for an English person to be, because French knights are very easy to drown in it.

gellaho

Technically Basque

Brendan

She started from the bottom now she here, back in the bottom.

Even Jar-Jar didn't land in poo twice.

FancyShark

Unless you count the other prequels

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Reminder that Jar Jar canonically has a girlfriend who is queen of a planet.

Never give up, fellas.

gellaho

Good thing every white person has the same skin tone

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

ugh the book cage is always such a joy when i can make it

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

fucking what

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

@LyraVarloid he's subtweeting you

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

I shit you not, her name is Julia

FancyShark

You misunderstand. It's a strip of fabric with the word FLESH written on it

gellaho

Sick

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

oh yeah, the old "that's not an adams apple it's a hidden spy microphone" bit, we've all tried it

Star King Flippant Sausage

hahahahah yes.

gellaho

I mean, I have a severe Farmer's tan. it would be somewhat difficult

Simon really wants you to know that France smells

gellaho

Which is fine because fuck France

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Cover it in refuse like Arnold mudding up in Predator

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

i mean yeah they're almost english

FancyShark

That rat would go on to a lucrative career as a chef

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Hahah remember when Prey went out of its way to have a bunch of French trappers get fucked up by the Predator

gellaho

WHERE'S MY LIP MOISTENING, SIMON

Star King Flippant Sausage

Finn nearly found out what happens when you fall down in a French alley. You get eaten by the rats.

And three STDs.

Brendan

Is it Padme

gellaho

"licked his lips?" what is that shit

Brendan

Do you guys even remember that the entire first movie Padme and Amidala were two people? She didn't use an alias, she just changed clothes.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

If only

gellaho

Simon lists body parts

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

my work mentor has been telling me several stories of her trips to paris, lasers have not even come up once

FancyShark

Send her back

Brendan

Baffling that they don't have comsets baked into their unilangs.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

yes my brain can't forget anything that fucking stupid, it's a curse

gellaho

I was 7, so I only remember the pod racing. And I refuse to re-watch that crap

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

You just gotta roll with it, man

Embrace the goof

gellaho

Did Disney put Goofy in Phantom Menace?

I wouldn't be surprised

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

actual minstrel show characters reskinned as aliens i mean

also the pod racing scene was six hours long

gellaho

Lucas is fine with Andre trying to capture mongoose

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Drum solo but for sound designers

FancyShark

He's not going to argue with the deathknight

gellaho

As a fellow German giant, I feel a kinship with Maytag Freytag

Brendan

Probably went on a public op in a pre-laser century.

gellaho

The 1800s were wild

Brendan

EVERYONE DIED

except a child and the murderer who killed them.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

And yet i felt nothing

Brendan

then the child grew up to be a genocidal murderer on two planets.

Pod racing is almost as bad as FIFA

FancyShark

Such a great family film

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

In fact that movie could be the origin of my dark sadistic urges

gellaho

Andre's explanation goes on and on and on

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Hey now. Ben Quadrinaros lived and he didn't do anything bad to anybody

Brendan

About on par with the WWE

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

the effects were good tho

gellaho

Anyway, Simon has now abandoned the Three Musketeers

gellaho

FancyShark

"I do not understand this peculiar plot" is a bold line to give your characters, Hawke

gellaho

So maybe Mongoose is evil

Star King Flippant Sausage

Or maybe Lucas is the evil one the whole time?

gellaho

Probably doesn't help that I've skimming over all the long paragraphs

Star King Flippant Sausage

Maybe evil is just a paradigm?

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

He's just saying what we're all thinking

Brendan

Mongoose is Taylor from a week in the future.

Star King Flippant Sausage

What is morality, really?

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

couldn't possibly hurt

gellaho

Wrong right

Star King Flippant Sausage

Simon Hawke asks the tough philosophical questions in this one.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

This whole book so far has been in its own way its own kind of podrace

gellaho

Oh, there was a really long paragraph about that earlier

But I skipped it

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

dude that's kind of mean to simon

gellaho

He always does

Most of the time it's a little more interesting

Star King Flippant Sausage

Yeah nobody has turned into a panther at all.

FancyShark

And sometimes he has intergalactic ninjas fight cyborgs while surrounded by sharks in a very stupid and expensive waterless aquarium

gellaho

Do not actually read this, but just look at it

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

no

FancyShark

Look at it, Rachel

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Fucks sake, use some paragraph breaks, Simon

FancyShark

LOOOOOOK

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

my eyes deserve better

Star King Flippant Sausage

Simon........you arent like.......your editor........you killed them didnt you?

gellaho

The thing is, Simon has just emerged from his Nicholas Yermakov Cocoon. We're six years pre-Steele

FancyShark

dangit

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Go wash them out with some podracing

Brendan

Speed-fixing the expo

Star King Flippant Sausage

Heres some Grace Jones for you.

To soothe the eyes.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Fuck you too

gellaho

Anyway, they flip a coin

Brendan

You've been warned about baiting me like this.

Star King Flippant Sausage

I never listen to warnings.

gellaho

You should have learned by now that editors are a myth

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Also what i say to the mirror

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

At best editors are a strong suggestion

Star King Flippant Sausage

Like Bigfoot is a myth or like birds are a myth?

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Bigfoot is a truth though. And birds are a psyop.

What is myth, really?

gellaho

I've been too busy making fun of sci-fi and fantasy names to realize how stupid Three Musketeers names are

Brutality of Stubborn Ramb$ne

ok but "st denis" is pretty bad too

also porthos is just old-timey for butthole right?

Star King Flippant Sausage

Not as bad as "St. Douglas" but worse than "St. Stephen"

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

San Dennys

gellaho

Tell Rockstar that

FancyShark

Then Godzilla stepped on them

gellaho

(that's a Red Dead reference)

Brutality of Stubborn Ramb$ne

San Dave is the worst city

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Dumas was truly a man of culture to reference Red Dead 2

gellaho

Simon Hawke insert

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

hawk one to ground squirrel i will fucking eat you over

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Nothing says stealth action like Ground Squirrel

gellaho

Lucas pranking the Airborne team

FancyShark

Lucas is Ratatoskr. Confirmed

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Solid squirrel

Brutality of Stubborn Ramb$ne

accompanied by Venice Vole

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

no reason why do they not understand the purpose of codenames, the very things they have been discussing?

Star King Flippant Sausage

Simon felt the need for a bit of levity.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Well why not use a joke?

Star King Flippant Sausage

A comedic dialogue in the vein of a Monty Python skit.

FancyShark

He can only mention poop so many times

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Must… fill… more… pages!

Star King Flippant Sausage

Simon Hawke's Great Booke of Knocke Knocke Jokes wouldnt come out for another year.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

So what? He can time travel

gellaho

Simon Hawke gradually comes around to not taking himself seriously

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

You know how really good writing can lampshade the tropes to great effect?

FancyShark

Meanwhile, the Industrial Revolution vanishes from the timestream

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

this is not that

Brendan

They say when Victor Hugo died, all the prostitutes in Paris took a day of mourning. When Simon Hawke dies, all the teen trafficking victims in post-apocalyptic New York will, for one day, stop trying to stab their father figures.

Brendan

Why use codenames when you're the only people on Earth using the airwaves?

Star King Flippant Sausage

Because if you dont, the terrorists win.

gellaho

Simon has leaned into it

gellaho

gellaho

I think that's Lucas's point

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

andre hears everything

plus she's already time looped back five times like dave strider

FancyShark

And the discovery of fire winks out of existence while Lucas engages in another ten minutes of lame schtick

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

this is when gellaho kicks me out for excessive nerdery

gellaho

Meanwhile, Finn spits on a rat

FancyShark

"I was coming to warn you, but fine, go to hell!"

Brendan

This rat has better plot armor than most of the time commandoes

gellaho

Cobra

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

He's already added two wisecracks after being told to save them

Hardcore rebel

gellaho

GODDAMMIT SIMON, GIVE ME THAT MOISTENING

FancyShark

Can't imagine why they'd call a person Mongoose and then introduce someone named Cobra

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

simon calls this kind of foreshadowing "subtlety"

gellaho

A duplicitous German? Why, I'd never!

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

so why don't bullets work, someone give me the skinny

Star King Flippant Sausage

Oh bullets work, lasers are just cooler.

Why on earth would you use a gun if you could use a laser rod instead?

gellaho

They probably didn't bring many to 17th century France

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

oh there's no like.. when the mass seperates from you it leaves your time field and gets phased out of existence?

Star King Flippant Sausage

Also they had guns in 17th Century France. Who needs that shit when LASERS!

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

they just use lasers and medieval weapons because whatever

Star King Flippant Sausage

Flintlock or laser is a bad game show.

Everyone chooses laser.

And wins.

gellaho

*Wild mongoose chase

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Obviously we have to reconcile the two houses by marriage.

That's right, I'm talking about Laser Flintlocks

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Look I'll give you that lasers are ideal in ape related scenarios, but they are also weak to mirrors and foggy days

Brendan

Lasers are lighter and need less reloading.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

okay fine

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Where does a bitch have to go to get some decent technobabble justifications for silly conventions

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Typically Wookieepedia

FancyShark

That requires a different category of scifi writer

Star King Flippant Sausage

Lexicanium too.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Memory Alpha works pretty well too if you're in a pinch

gellaho

Add Jaguar to the list

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

present

Star King Flippant Sausage

Oh shit Simon Hawke would do such a fucked up job with 40k lore, I would love it.

FancyShark

goddammit, I need this to happen

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

mine is higgs field manipulators, which would on a large scale be used to engage in ftl by creating negative mass, and on a small scale with an advanced computer temporarily remove all mass from a few tiny objects like bullets

gellaho

And here's Wolverine

Star King Flippant Sausage

"We're ALL BAD GUYS! LOL!"

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

i need to justify how you can't just 0 mass a chunk of your enemy's heart, but I'll build some bs around the words "weak nuclear force"

Brendan

Serpent, this is Rainbow. Come in, Serpent. Meet me at Tree to discuss Apple.

Star King Flippant Sausage

If you havent read it you might enjoy the Lensman series, its old as shit but its full of this kind of thing.

gellaho

Oh, yeah, this is straight up Steele shit

FancyShark

Dale, c'mon man. I didn't know it was your lunch.

Brendan

and and and it's the basis for Green Lantern

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

I was going to suggest Mass Effect but I'm pretty sure Rachel's aware of it already, considering earlier scoopage

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

oh dip, for real?

Brendan

Revealing one of these guys is Donovan Steele would be so rad.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Yeah its fuckin rad.

gellaho

Ah, so he's a Jacksonville Jaguar

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

i know my council species

gellaho

None of you nerds are going to get that

FancyShark

I'm inferring

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

I know enough sports to get the gist

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

i mean there is jason mendoza so

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

It's no Butt Fumble though

gellaho

STOP TEASING ME WITH THE LIP MOISTENING, SIMON

Star King Flippant Sausage

Taylor, still wearing the flesh disguise of a very sexy French woman.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Uh oh, cobra just injected himself with his own venom

gellaho

Mongoose not looking too hot

Brendan

We'll clone him a new face! Perhaps a sexy french Marked Woman?

FancyShark

"God, they got his hairline all wrong"

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Look I'm all for some wholesome chair-tying and brat-taming but laser face surgery is too far

gellaho

The date did not end well

FancyShark

Look, we've all had that date that ended with someone losing their face

Star King Flippant Sausage

Another fool pretends to @Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood. glorious fuckthrone and is disabused.

gellaho

Ah, man, it's her first day

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

no no let them finish

Star King Flippant Sausage

Oh that means it might be like six weeks to Mongoose's retirement.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

"Go and get your faced fix" is my todo list for next november

gellaho

Taylor, realizing he was going insane, decided it was a good time to destroy the universe

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

but for real

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

I mean, who wouldn't

"What is the game without me" and all that

Star King Flippant Sausage

Yeah would.

gellaho

Taylor's personality has lost to the prostitute he knew for about a week

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

This is why i dont think you twoshould have nuclear bombs

FancyShark

crap, I already made a Code Veronica joke

Star King Flippant Sausage

Oh I definitely should not.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Although the NRA might disagree

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Look, I've only blown myself up with the Fat Man like 60% of the time I've used it, I'm a pinnacle of safe nuclear weapons usage

Star King Flippant Sausage

No the NRA would hate it if I had nuclear capabilities, me being a big ol lefty.

gellaho

Andre quickly adapts to teleportation

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

I mean of course she does, she's fucking radical

Brendan

#ANDREWASRIGHT

gellaho

Finn and Cobra look at the king's ass

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

The King's Peach

gellaho

Brendan

Cordon bleu comment right here

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

I have my moments

Not many. But I have them

Star King Flippant Sausage

Thats because you're peeping at a nude French lad, Delaney. Dont worry, we all like admiring a femboy now and then.

gellaho

Cobra doesn't understand moles

FancyShark

"Kill anyone because I have to. Got it."

Star King Flippant Sausage

Or butt stuff. Cobra, you still need to make yourself attractive. Yes, even there.

Rouge and other cosmetics will do, unless you also need a shave.

gellaho

If there are constant themes for Simon, it's nysteel and the nature of the human mind

FancyShark

Multiple personalities seem to be a side thing of his

Star King Flippant Sausage

Usually you have to pay big bucks to be dominated by Milady.

Brendan

Um, I think you're forgetting Ice the Ubermensch and his eternal return.

gellaho

Who could have foreseen this on her first day!

FancyShark

She was only decades from retirement!

gellaho

Andre beats the shit out of Taylor

Star King Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah who sends their rookie agent to hunt down the most dangerous terrorist on their first day?

Brendan

What's stopping them from coming back in time to save her?

Star King Flippant Sausage

Also Andre rules.

FancyShark

Hot damn, Andre does not fuck around

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

someone who doesn't pay upfront id guess

FancyShark

That form takes forever to fill out

gellaho

They leave Cobra at the peephole

Brendan

He came to where she was stationed.