#2 Spy High
The Book Cage: Episode 103 - Spy High: Mission Two: Chaos Rising
Can it truly be The Year of Pain when we haven't even been back to Spy High yet? I say nay! This time, the team of dumbass teenage spies are after the Sherlock Shield. Has A.J. Butcher, British English teacher, learned anything about America since Mission One? In what new and interesting ways will these teens suck? And will any random Frankensteins show up again? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
That cover art is already a joke.
It's one edit away from being the "NO DADDY NO" meme.
I will have to miss this Friday's reading, but I look forward to seeing the chaos you all unleash on it. Fingers crossed the preppy "leader" gets killed in this one. And the "funny" one, too.
It's the year of pain, we aren't lucky enough for that
I mean, it does get worse
hahaha, I forgot these covers. It's incredible he even sold enough for one sequel
What could possibly be more important than a twenty year old book for children
Well this is just Michael Myers from the racial allegory planet on Star Trek.
Minnesota State Fair Hotdog Meetup (TM)!
i.e. Lethally fried foods
But I will try to drop in where I can, because these reads are always a highlight of the week
The inside of this book reveals that the first book was called The Frankenstein Factory in it's native land.
Really gives away the shock son of Dr Frankenstein reveal in the second half
The killer I mean teacher being named AJ Butcher is just too perfect
This is the detective in change, John Crimesolver
Coming up on the next hour, it's Spy High: Mission Two: Chaos Rising. No preview to speak of, so instead "enjoy" the beginning of Chapter 1
Oh fuck me, now we have to wait sixty years from now til this shitshow starts rolling?
Wait hold on what
How would that narrator know what happens 60 years from now
Poor writing from the first sentence, hooo boy
Listen: Billy Narrator has come unstuck in time.
It's weird to establish the date in the second book
2063. Which I'm sure will make a lot of sense
But also this guy from the past knows about it
Oh fuck is that going to be a thing, is there some shitty time travel mechanic
I don't think so
But the last one involved a descendant of Dr Frankenstein, so who knows
All that security and absolutely invaded their first book.
oh no
one of my worst discord hotdog fears realized
a book cage about a series I actually read as a kid
my only solace is that I only remember enough of spy high to recognize the page layout and font, I do not remember a single fucking thing about the actual content
Let's see how you butcher this one, AJ
Spy High is probably the state he was in when he wrote this shit.
Part One: Bad CGI Karate
I like how one of the spy girls is just A posing.
AJ Butcher, a British man, apparently thinks having constant football holograms is good camouflage for a spy school
Which football, AJ?
That was in the last book, but he thought it was good enough to repeat
Oh shit this is his version of "In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only war."
Very inconspicuous
In the stale murkiness of the not too distant future, there is only soccer practice.
No, this is just him learning what America is from Juicy Fruit commercials
I feel like giving even the most disciplined teen a full body taser suit is asking for trouble.
Spy High's Cybermen need work if they're going to sweep the cosplay competition at Comic Con this year.
These teens are constantly sexually harassing each other, so it might be a necessity
Literally everyone in the town knows about the secret spy training facility but pretends not to because it brings jobs.
cybercradle
But do they, you know, learn math?
if "cybercradle to cybergrave" doesnt appear in this book its going to be such a waste of potential.
Just like every adult out of the academic lifepath, spies never need math.
The old school memorial to the dead
The child soldier memorial doesn't make the child soldiering much easier to swallow, AJ.
Well.....the forces of evil and somewhat more evil, training an army of children to kill for the state isnt a GOOD thing, but we know what you mean, AJ.
Really wish AJ would stop comparing these two to twins
And yet the dead kids don't number any more than enough holoprojectors you can fit comfortably at the end of one hallway
The Hall of Little Bitches is presumably much more crowded
"They're what you might call "close".......AJ stop being coy, we know what they're up to.
Sensitive as always, AJ
✅ Redhead
Jesus, meeting that ginger quota early today.
I hope someday someone will tell aspiring authors to stop using the word "swarthy" as a general thing.
Dark, even swarthy!
What's the delineation there?
Jake's from "The Midwest"
Oh right, he's from the biodome.
The notoriously swarthy dome people of the Midwest, yes.
JUST ONCE can we have a redhead dude that isn't the class clown?
Yes, the entire Midwest is covered in domes
Is it possible to have a brooding, sensitive ginger?
It's basically bubble wrap out there
You'll have to ask Javo, that's kind of his bag
The American spy trophy is called the "Sherlock Shield"
The famous American spy, Sherlock Holmes
AJ clearly isnt from around here, we'd breathe the government cancer gas before we let them make us live in DOMES like fuckin moon communists.
Except for brooding and sensitive
Well.........at least their trophy isnt the Bond Belt.
Common mixup, they're thinking of Herlock Sholmes.
The Bond Jockstrap
I have bad news about their team name
The J Edger Hoover Girdle Award winning Bond Team.
Ah yes these famous American spies, James Bond and Sherlock Holmes
No doubt this institution was founded by American president Neville Chamberlain
Jennifer Chen was essentially ignored in the first book, so AJ thought he'd rectify that
Oh.......joY.
I can't tell, but I think what's happening is impossible
But AJ only told me that three times, so I don't know
But hear me out: what if what was happening…………. Was impossible?
The language is very subtle
That's how I think of graves, as gaping
Grave Digger's Grave Gapes XXX.
:gravedigger:
Is waking up vomiting better than waking up screaming?
AJ........when that guy in the pub told you about the Chinese Grief Barf he was lying, for the love of God man.
Jennifer cries wood chips
She's turning into a wood sprite!
Delicious mesquite flavored grief.
THAT CANNOT BE HIS NAME!
No, fuck you AJ.
Oh fuck OFF
How many pages in are we and it's already the worst fucking thing I've ever seen
I remember the first book as just being so fucking boring too
This isn't really straying from that formula
Take this morning, please
Lol
Automatic sheet retraction service gtfo
OH MY GOD AJ stop saying his full name like you are proud of it!
He's so proud of it
Dan Dan talks to his cyber-waifu
How old are you, Double Daniel?!
Dan Squared receives some electronic mail
He's going to Dans like no one is watching
Went thru a goth phase and insisted people call him Dans Macabre.
This is an elaborate computer virus
GASP!
WHO COULD HAVE FORESEEN OPENING SPAM EMAIL WOULD DO THIS!?
no laughing skulls? amateur hour
And we all know what happens in The Book Cage when you get a computer virus?
SCREAMERS, BABY!
Hahaha
HELL YEAH IT DOES!
Exploding computers and insurance money, that is what. we. do!
Return of Screamers!
Screamers 2: Rescreamed!
Then all the computers explode, but he's fine
I'm still so fucking mad about his name.
Fuck you AJ. Fuck you forever.
"Damn. I knew it was a bad idea to cool the CPU with liquid nitroglycerin, but the salesman said it was awesome."
Lol a chain reaction of exploding computers
Safe, that is, until the electrical cables in the building threateningly come down from the ceiling
Better call the Geek GeekSquad
Like black intestines
Oh shit the virus caused an earthquake, reboot Earf.exe
Nah, the virus is magic
hahahahahha
I mean, it has to be magic because otherwise this is the dumbest understanding of electricity I've ever seen
Great job AJ, you wrote the dumbest thing about computers I've ever read.
Mmmmmm Harper steak
AJ, I would literally belive in a computerized earthquake machine before this, you fucking hack.
Aj's editor should have flogged him.
Then Dan Dan runs straight into an empty elevator shaft
Dove
You asshole, you should have seen this coming. You deserve this.
Its basic fire safety to not use the elevator, and thats just for FIRES and not magic hacking.\
Yeah but the doors were controlled by electro wizards
hahaha I remember this plot twist from some dumb soap opera.
From 60 years in the future
Meanwhile, Ben climbs a wall
You stupid piece of shit, you werent living by a schedule because tis the future, you're living like that because you are too dumb to be alive, enjoy being dead in an elevator shaft, you prick.
clingskin
"And by human glue we mean its MADE from humans."
"Technically all glue is human glue."
"If we meant works on humans."
That can't be her name!
Solo Team, the contrarians.
Together as one
"Remember to ask the wall for consent."
"No, we are Bond Team, we dont do that."
"it's in our charter."
Solo Team doesn't have to worry about asking for consent either, but for different reasons
Ben, as his way as a dickhead, knocks his competitor off a sheer wall
Goddamn, do I hate Ben
He was such an unrepentant asshole in the last book, and AJ seems to think he's the hero
I was sure Jake would take charge but nope.
Just such a dick
He's a real Allen Dulles.
How do I kill a fictional child
By committing the most heinous crime of all. Writing fan fiction.
Yes, cheer for the cheating narcissist!
How have they not murdered him in his sleep and pretended he ODed on some future drug?
If only he had
"That doesn't mean anything to us, Senior Tutor Elmore Grant"
Proof AJ is a clone and was decanted at full biological maturity, real teens would have started hooting and laughing when someone said "coming"
Why don't you kiss my ass, AJ
AJ is what you get when the clones get too many middling to good sci fi novels piped into their brain and you dont tell them that they are sleeper assassins.
That was all chapter ONE??
Fuck me.
I know the world is ending, but I'm more concerned that you just dropped "hovertel" in there like I'm just supposed to accept that
They did it. They hacked the planet
It's always California or New York.
You never hear about Bozeman Montana succumbing to terrorist chaos.
Im going to say AJ was decanted to a media diet of old 2000 AD comics and Warhammer 40k novels, but specifically not the best ones. He got like the Dawn of War novelization and only the Judge Dredd strips about the Apeolito gang.
AJ is great at writing the most hateful characters, but on accident
God, Lori is such a wet sandwich.
That is such a tortured acronym
Aj fuck your backronyms.
TCFHAATOOS doesnt roll off the tongue but thats sometimes how acronyms work.
Why'd you have to make things so complicated, Dr Frankenstein?
This book is DUMB (Definitely a book that is Under consideration for Maybe Burning)
GIF
Ah, memories
Gene gas.
https://open.spotify.com/track/32XH0vxdpKpcJ80NSpRbbz?si=gcrWyhGhT3qvQbtYiK2PAg
Gene. Gas.
Lori is such an oversensitive little twerp she can feel her DNA.
Wakes up in a panic every night as her skin cells die.
Dr Frankenstein had an army of mutants
The second half of that book got real weird
Every single one named Gene.
Sweet Gene, Mean Gene, Eugene.
Etc.
Sorry but Frankenstein is actually the name of the doctor, not the mons-oh wait that's what's happening sorry bad reflex
She's broken out of her reverie by the school's senile Q
Such a wonderful display of compassion, letting an old man wander around the spy academy all day.
He gets a whole broom closet to sleep in.
Well, this has gotten strange
The gas mutated Lori into someone elses granddaughter! DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN!
Lori's going to wake up dismembered
Leads the poor old man to an old quarry, and he never comes out.
Uhhhh… should we really be letting the old geezer who doesn't know where he is or who he is play around with Semtex?
They let teens do it, might as well.
It works in Metal Gear Solid
Jennifer's doing great
It's great that Jennifer is constantly detached to the point you wonder if shes tripping balls. Makes for a wonderful character we can really invest in, emotionally.
The Gun Run
It's fun!
"Actually we will be, I love infrared sights. We're going to get married and honeymoon in the French Riviera together, so suck it, Lori."
Oh, good, the random newsbroadcasts are back
"What if technology turns on us, maaaaaaaaaaaaan"
It took them like a book and some change to realize Jennifer doesnt give a fuck and is not involved in any given conversation.
How many times are you gonna use this coffin metaphor, AJ?
God Jennifer is gunning for the worst kind of goth girl archetype, the "pretend im dead" kind.
Hon. Just do opiates.
Well, back to the sexual harassment
The more things change
Eddie........Jennifer has on numerous occassions demonstrated she can and will tear your dick off with her bare hands and only sort of tolerates you.
Oh, Jesus Christ
The academy needs better psychological evaluation processes.
GIF
Also fuck you AJ, kendo?!
While you were out playing with your sticky skin, I was mastering the wooden blade….
They have future tech and are experts in unarmed martial arts, where the fuck would they get a fuckin sword?
I mean aside from the obviously contrived scenario you are going to present later.
Bars. Bars to order drinks at
Bars to get drunk in. Bars to forget Spy High
Shes got Havana Syndrome!
Where everybodyyy knows this suuuuuucks
I'm guessing they forgot to do the extensive background checks on Jennifer?
Time to kill Mr Korita!
GIF
Cool.
The night man!
Oh, Eddie you pest
Seems like the acceptance rate here is 😎spy high
Mr. Korita isnt a very good teacher if he cant handle a berserk teenage girl with a stick, like kendo is kind of his whole deal.
AJ forgot these were bamboo swords, I guess
hahahahah AJ, bro. Shinai just kind of bend in the middle when you thrust with them.
You also can't, you know, cut somebody's head off with one
Yeah then explain why guillotines are made of mostly wood
so was this even an assassin or is Jen just crazy go nuts
Checkmate libs
So, AJ, pro-tip from a non-pro, there should be some kind of page break here
She could have wailed on him all day and not really done much, thats kind of what the padding is for, kids.
Because, now it just looks like everyone teleported
She's got issues, the kind you only find in fiction
By Gawd, that's Jennifer's music!
GIF
Someone needs to tell Jennifer the Nightmare King isnt going to show up someday to have his ass kicked by her with a stick.
I forgot how weird the punctuation was in these books. Look at that question mark
And all this because she didnt want to go to boarding school, jeez.
jesus, what fucking typeset is that even from
And this adorable little exclamation point
Hahahhaha someday its going to be a big exclamation point.
Maybe in a book about sex or fast cars.
But the biggest em dashes in the business
Eddie, you........., She went berserk and tried to cut the head off your kendo instructor with a shinai. Of course she's unstable.
"We hold hands in public and everything."
Um.......thats not how chain of command works, Ben.
Its absolutely going to be your fault, Mr. Team Leader.
GIF
technoterrorists
The best kind of terrorists according to The View.
Really lacking the quiet dignity that a word like "bioterrorists" carries
Prepare the stasis crossbow
The honor of Bond Team was at stake.
The fun part of it being a stasis rifle is you can shoot all the civilians you want.
No shit, they're in high school, AJ
AJ maybe just let the teen killers drink, its much more believable.
I'm pretty sure they weren't even 18 in the last book, AJ, because I know you don't know the American drinking age
"Its "Hamburger" innit?"
you can tell this is an american school because they get to have guns before they can have alcohol
Gotta get in your baby shooting practice
Shoot it right in the goddamned forehead
Jesus Christ, wtf
AJ
That baby had a gun, righteous kill for Lori. Clear cut self defense.
GIF
No baby studies quantum physics. Clearly a spy.
She self defensed that fuckin evil baby to HELL!