103: Spy High: Mission Two: Chaos Rising A. J. Butcher

FancyShark

Butcher totally gets women, you guys

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Feminist icon AJ Butcher

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Lori.........I know AJ doesnt talk to women and you dont have real agency, but you could at least TRY to maintain the fiction.

Brendan

Lady spies are so emotional.

gellaho

activate piss skis

gellaho

And just throw in the dead granddaughter again for fun

Brendan

Lady spies are so deceased.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

psychic hardware

If this shit showed up on Star Trek I'd call it twee at best

FancyShark

The process of growing skis is incredibly traumatic and painful

Marvel at least gave Wolverine a healing factor to deal with it

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

So a Turbo Teen and a Ski Spy are somewhere on the same classification, then?

FancyShark

Also, "Gadge Newbolt"? What's this Ducktales shit?

gellaho

The balance and loyalty of p-skis

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AJ, who are you making these Bond movie references for? Your target audience hasnt seen that shit.

FancyShark

The target audience is too old for this to be read to them by a parent. And only their parents are going to get or care about any of these references.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

If somebody pulls a parachute and it's the Union Jack I'm throwing my phone out the window.

FancyShark

Jennifer panicked, unaccustomed to receiving applause.

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"She jumped on her skis, like a jumper with skis."

gellaho

Really seems like CHAOS is doing the opposite of rising

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Aj you write like a baboon on opium.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

CHAOS Self-Raising!!!

FancyShark

This would be livelier if they were talking to Corbin Bernsen

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I keep imagining its Jeremy Corbyn and AJ has some strong opinions about Labour.

FancyShark

What's CHAOS's recruitment process like? Do they have a shell company for the interviews?

gellaho

It's just top notch stuff

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Or it could just butterfuck off and not bother anyone. We don't know yet. It only just learned how to think for itself

FancyShark

haha, oh AJ, you have not earned anywhere near the good will required to pull off self-mockery

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Corbin hasnt learned a valuable lesson: Snarking at the person who can legally torture you is a bad idea.

Insulting your interrogator's intelligence is a good way to find yourself nude and sitting in a chair with a hole in the seat.

GIF

FancyShark

An hour later, as Corbin was counting how many parts of the finger could be pulled out with pliers without reaching the knuckle, he decided he'd keep his opinions to himself

gellaho

Mummy time

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

FancyShark

Don't beat off a mummy. That's a lot of dust and you're going to get kicked out of the museum

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Hahahahahaha they really did do Legends of the Hidden Temple, fuck you AJ.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Ankh if you're Suh Namun

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Ben you fucking MADE them do this? You fucking dork, at least they made your guys do actual spy shit like skiing.

gellaho

I'm guessing nobody consulted a timepiece because it's 2060, not 1860

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Okay so this is when Ben goes full crazy and hits a girl, right?

Like, we've been building up to it.

gellaho

gasp

FancyShark

Ben, you dipshit. Bragging that a computer or software system is "uncrackable" is a marketing gimmick

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Hahaha wouldn't it be just hilarious if Ben were the traitor the whole time

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Ben not wanting to admit that maybe his team just sucks.

FancyShark

Everyone immediately seizes the opportunity and knifes Eddie to pieces

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And they suck because he's terrible and traumatized their computer person on like day 1

gellaho

"Who gave you the cheat codes to our super-duper cool mummy video game!"

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Honestly, if you think about it, getting someone to pass you intel should give Simon the win by itself.

Thats good spying.

FancyShark

A moment of awkward silence as Simon discovers he's into this

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I want Simon to kick Bens ass right there in front of everyone.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Definitely the kind of personality you want in a field agent

gellaho

I wonder who it could be

infinite tempest jakesy

Bond Team more like Bland Team

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Hahahahahah well he's not wrong, but he isnt right.

FancyShark

GIF

gellaho

Weird

FancyShark

AJ Butcher writes women like every new thought requires a dice roll

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The team is a psychotic rich kid, a girl who goes near catatonic under pressure, a guy who is basically mayonnaise but without the flavor, a girl who is so suggestible that its plausible she spilled the beans just after one smooch, a girl who whips between berserk killing frenzy and silence, and a boy so annoying he might have a latent superpower. They suck so much.

gellaho

This is a book for children

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"Im just hurt you dont suspect I'm a traitor."

"I only kissed that dingus to make you pay attention to me."

"Shit........I'm keeping it a secret tho........fuck."

gellaho

This is just how they talk, constantly sshhh-ing each other

gellaho

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I mean..........you go to the same school and you just a few weeks ago demonstrated that your computer whiz can be yelled into a coma by you, I dont know why you'd think your shit was secure.

FancyShark

Characters like these belong in a slasher film, not a spy thriller

gellaho

Lori rewards Ben's confidence by immediately going to Simon. Where he gets very weird describing their kiss

FancyShark

So many couples break up after they stop having we kisses

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WeKiss is disrupting the kissing space, too bad its a venture capital scam run by oil money.

gellaho

Both of us were in there

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He said as she looked him in -checks notes- the smile.

FancyShark

"Just all up in each other's mouth guts"

"AJ, you're fired"

gellaho

Jake hears them, talking. But, nevermind that. They are on a personnel truck now

And AJ describes the scene as oddly as you possibly could

infinite tempest jakesy

Simon meant to say he wants a ween kiss

Brendan

You can make a sex toy out of a mummy, they come with several holes and very easy to make more.

infinite tempest jakesy

Weird way to describe a blowie but ok

FancyShark

Hang on. Nemesis is the rogue computer system? When was this written?

Brendan

Ben, you're a terrible spy. It's ALWAYS your lover.

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God I hope Eddie is the victim of "accidental" friendly fire.

Brendan

Did Ronin teach you NOTHING?

gellaho

Like a hill with stunted growth

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That movie is too new, I dont think AJ has referenced anything newer than 1979 except maybe a Star Wars.

FancyShark

Because if it was any time after 2001, I'm certain he stole that from Tad Williams' Otherland

FancyShark

AJ, that's called a bump

Brendan

And yet he has a Danger Room

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Eddie you dumb fuck, its underground.

gellaho

Like a smile, but also like a crypt

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Its like you dont even GO to spy school.

FancyShark

So the secret base is locked with a mechanism that could be set off by an itchy bear

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God the Eddie POV parts are so obnoxious.

gellaho

Yummy

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Bears went extinct in the Dome Wars of 2054. Turns out you need to pay to keep domes locked or bears get in.

FancyShark

"Did it walk like a man? Talk like a man?"

Ozzie

Woodpeckers out there just opening and closing it all day

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

How many mans tall was the man?

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One time a beaver came and stole the whole switch, took them weeks to find it.

Brendan

But it was just Ben

Brendan

I hate these subscription-model domes.

gellaho

download hate.exe

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So it was downloading Steam forums?

Also Cally coming to terms with the idea of computers storing her personal data.

gellaho

If you didn't know what wires were, they're like anorexic snakes

Djonin, Brockway's Strategian

Jim Butcher's "I can't think of a title" rule is to make the words the same length.

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Are these going to be the kind of wires capable of moving on their own AJ?

FancyShark

Wires sure getting a lot of verbs

gellaho

He is out of control with these goddamned similes

Here's some more

FancyShark

That makes it sound like his Adam's apple jumped out of his mouth

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Surprise motherfucker! Mecha-zombies!

This is what you get for not having a name and going on a mission like this.

gellaho

It's not like they have forcefields, you laser off the arms they can't really strangle you

FancyShark

Nice of them to let the zombie finish strangling

gellaho

But, you know, sure. Cyber-zombies

FancyShark

Dammit, did this book just get good?

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Sucks to be you. Hope Eddie shits himself as a dead nerd chokes the life out of him.

gellaho

Not at all

Brendan

The Anorexic Snakes is a grammy-winning Borg prog rock band.

gellaho

The next guy dies by getting his arm broken?

FancyShark

"Resistance Is Metal"

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So why the fuck did they bring teen spies to a cyber zombie fight anyway?

FancyShark

AJ got some pages mixed in from another story

gellaho

The soldiers aren't up on their ninja protocols

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Why are they slow tho?

FancyShark

Which techniques? Don't worry about it

gellaho

They also seem to just die if anyone touches them

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Also if they can just yank your arms off I dont think it really matters if you sweep the leg.

FancyShark

Blocking attacks with your arms seems like a bad idea after they killed that one guy with an armbar

Brendan

Children, if you can't melee slow revenant cannibals, you'll never infiltrate Satellite X

gellaho

Corbin insisted they bring the teens or he wouldn't show them the secret hide out. He seems to think the teens can survive anything

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Maybe what they should do is sit on their butts and scoot around for 90 minutes?

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At least hes a little genre savvy.

FancyShark

Impacted Dog Technique

gellaho

Reminder that Cally has had a panic attack nearly every time she's hacked something

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To be fair Corbin DID watch them survive the mutant hordes and all so he did make a solid conclusion.

Brendan

"What if the X-Men, but all jerkoffs, no powers, and you can't see their freakishly sexy figures because it's prose?" is a hell of a book pitch.

FancyShark

So cyberzombies don't raise her heartrate at all, but the thought of a typo in code gives her an ulcer

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All Nemesis has to do is kind of yell at her until she fucks up and her brain will shut off.

Ben did it in like ten minutes.

FancyShark

On accident, too!

gellaho

Corbin attempts to flee

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Corbin you dork, you failed to run from slow ass cyber zombies. You deserve this.

Its Night of the Living Dead rules and you still fucked it.

gellaho

Just rub some dirt on that neck, it'll be good as new

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If AJ actually kills a teen and replaces them in the next book I will actually start thinking better of these.

He could aspire to be almost as fun as Animorphs.

FancyShark

Savor it, Cally. When you're older, you're going to look forward to the idea of having your neck cracked.

gellaho

Kids, ask you parents about sadism

FancyShark

Then, to add salt to the wound, the zombies start singing "Your Eyes"

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I dont think this is a question of "can afford to die." Cally. If you dont somehow become stronger than a cyber zombie and break its grip you are going to be able to look behind you like an owl.

gellaho

Some gore for the kids

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Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuh no shit you shoot them in the face.

FancyShark

Props to Butcher for having no indication we were headed here after Lori's "omg, I kissed a boy"

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How..........how did that not happen in the previous firefight?!

gellaho

Really implies that they weren't shooting them in the head before

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Youd think it would have happened just by accident already, or someone would have thought of it based on like.......oh hey zombies are a thing.

Cmon AJ is pop culture stuck in the 60s and 70s in this world or not?

gellaho

AJ Butcher really laying out just how pointless that whole thing was

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Just a bunch of redshirts, you didnt even NAME them AJ, you cant expect us to really care.

Watch Aliens again, AJ and try harder.

FancyShark

"Bond Team, you get -3 points for your backup getting decimated by the zombies and -10 for not finding the stuffed animal with the next clue"

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"If you dont get a move on you'll never get the Monkey Idol."

gellaho

Jake clingskins up the side of the building to spy on Simon Macey. AJ makes some... word choices

FancyShark

I just looked up Legends of the Hidden Temple because I forgot Olmec's name. And found this.

FancyShark

brb, going to raise an army

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Oh I forgot about fucking Sonia Dark.

And Jake, stop complaining about the sounds people make when they fuck, you're fucking spying. Try to at least pretend to be a professional and not whine about how grody kissing is.

gellaho

"LET US DISCUSS OUR DASTARDLY PLANS, SONIA DARK"

gellaho

AJ, just tossing bimbo in there for the kids

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Jake better use this information to recruit Lori to his plan to take the leadership spot from Ben or I'm going to get even more bored.

pokes narrative with stick- do something.

FancyShark

Does it strike any of you as weird that they need a leader? They decide everything as a group anyway

Brendan

"A wet slap of a kiss"

infinite tempest jakesy

That wet slap wasn't a kiss Jake

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Invoking 9/11 was really the only trick AJ had in his box for book 2, wasn't it.

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Jake is from the Domes, he didnt get good sex ed.

He still thinks babies are grown in hydroponics like potatoes.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

So you're saying he didn't get good dome?

FancyShark

Hell yeah. Midwest education forever, baby!

infinite tempest jakesy

"Sounds like someone is stirring some mac and cheese in there!"

You're welcome for that image by the way

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And its 2060 so Jake thinks WAP is classical music for dorks.

gellaho

Just throw a couple more in there

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"So lets talk about what a stupid bitch you are and how we plan to use it to stab Ben in the back, or I'll give this to him and he will probably throw you off the roof."

gellaho

Twitch, but with feeling

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Like.......Ben is a scumbag and you should have fucked him over deliberately and not by accident, Lori.

Right now you should be standing on the cafeteria table doing Waluigi crotch chops at him and yelling "IT WAS ME! I'M THE REASON YOU LOST!"

gellaho

"Weird that we're named after a spy and their named after a Star Wars character"

FancyShark

"Brainless bimbo...he's right" thought the Very Well-Written Lady Character

"We could kill them. Just a thought."

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I mean she did basically become Bens girlfriend when Ben said "Hey, you're my girlfriend now." and for no other reason so...........

infinite tempest jakesy

"With these knockers, I'll never be more than a hysterical bimbo"

gellaho

I skipped over a whole holodeck beach scene with Eddie and Cally, but now a storm's rolling in

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Good.

LAst thing we want is more Eddie than necessary.

gellaho

"Why'd we think it was a good idea to relax in VR when we're fighting a rogue AI!"

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The fiendish intellect of the godlike AI has decided to..........turn the AC all the way up!

Brendan

See? Feeling, not thought. What a brainless bimbo.

Liiiiiips

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It has a fucking giant mecha spider body that destroys domes. Just saying.

gellaho

Stupid is correct

FancyShark

Always love when they program a holodeck that can generate energy. It must be like someone switching on a microwave every time the VR makes a lightning bolt

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Also you went to the beach with fucking EDDIE.

Brendan

GIF

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Sex Pest Eddie.

gellaho

Why it couldn't just locate them immediately is a mystery

infinite tempest jakesy

We going straight. To. The WILD WILD WEST

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Why it even needs to locate them is also a mystery.

FancyShark

The wicky wicky WILD WILD WEST

gellaho

Yesssssssss, if you die in the game, you die for real

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Just turn the sim to "Arctic" and wait ten minutes with the door locked.

FancyShark

Or "Volcano" and you're done in one

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Nah heat is bad for computer parts, its an elemental thing. AIs use ice magic and are vulnerable to fire.

gellaho

In case you didn't know what rain feels like, AJ will tell you it's just like warm blood.

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AJ is from Britain so I guess he's a rain expert.

gellaho

Cybercircuits

FancyShark

Nemesis is far too rad for this book

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Chitinous............so it decided that while organic forms are impure, the organic substance that makes shit like beetle skeletons and stuff is great.

Cat is really doing me no favors when it comes to spelling.

gellaho

Sure, that's how electricity works

FancyShark

"HELLO, EDWARD"

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Oh Eddie. If you got electrocuted you'd be in tremendous pain for juuuuuuuust a bit.

Before your brain shut off anyway.

After that its gravy.

FancyShark

I'm sure the universe would make an exception to keep him hurting longer

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100% Intro to Disco Elysium shit.

gellaho

They manage to get Ed out, but not Callie. And she's in a coma, even though nemesis attached Ed

gellaho

Cause and effect is overrated anyway

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Cally is part opossum and passes out when threatened.

Brendan

Let's do a Matrix!

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Nemesis just wants someone to play coop games with.

Brendan

It's right there in the name!

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Vermintide bots just dont get the job done, even if you're a godlike AI.

gellaho

This feels like it was written by an over dramatic eighth grader

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Shut up, Lori, you're too dumb to think things like "cradle suggests new life."

FancyShark

Long setup for an Evanescence reference

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Also fuck you AJ, cybercradle to cybergrave was my joke.

Also do NOT MENTION SNOW WHITE in front of Eddie, you know why.

Brendan

Eddie has a propensity to kiss the female spies while they're sleeping, we try not to put him in opportunities of temptation.

gellaho

Alright, Eddie, why don't you go find a blow pop and cheer yourself up

Brendan

Eddie Berganza, you cad.

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God Cally has low standards after Jake wasnt all that interested.

FancyShark

No, she meant it, Eddie. She meant she couldn't think of anyone else she'd rather never see again.

gellaho

I've cut out so much of these kids' emo bullshit

Anyway, time to go gaslight an old man to get him to fix the VR

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Well thats fucked up.

Brendan

Can the VR create life?

gellaho

"Kind of seems like I should have designed the VR not to be able to kill from the beginning, but oopsie"

Brendan

Like can it generate a sentient person, a la TNG?

Brendan

Immediately nerfing the threat we've had for 20 pages.

FancyShark

That's the A.J. Butcher promise

gellaho

Well, not often you read the stupidest thing you've ever read

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Fuck off AJ.

FancyShark

😵‍💫

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Seriously, fuck off. Antibinaries?!

The fuck does that even MEAN?

FancyShark

You could have accomplished the same level of stupid with "reverse the polarity", AJ

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At least polarity is something you can reverse.

gellaho

"My binary bomb.... noooooooooo!"

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

The binary bomb sounds like a chud supervillain plot.

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Also not a thing, AJ.

FancyShark

This is how the Hardy computer virus works

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You're thinking of a logic bomb, AJ

gellaho

"Excellent job traumatizing that sad old man, young lady"

FancyShark

"Let's use this weapon designed by a dementia patient, kids"

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"He forgot what his granddaughter looks like but now how to code or do math, we hope."

gellaho

Wait, the suit is a physical thing. Wouldn't you put that on her here? How do you send it to her? The fuck is happening

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"This is why we keep the old fart around, occassionally he takes a shine to a girl and gives her a superweapon or something."

FancyShark

You know he wants ViPr pronounced "viper". Go to hell, AJ

gellaho

Yeah, definitely an actual piece of clothing

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I refuse. Im pronouncing it "vipper."

Rhymes with zipper.

FancyShark

I'm going with "verper", just to be difficult

gellaho

Yeah, crank up the energy. That'll help

FancyShark

This book should be titled "I guess we're doing this now"

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I'm not sure that's how that works but at least if theres a power outage it will be okay.

gellaho

Cyberflesh

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GIF

FancyShark

Eddie is immediately shot and killed

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by cyberbees.