103: Spy High: Mission Two: Chaos Rising A. J. Butcher

gellaho

Sure, whatever

FancyShark

GIF

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Why is the posthuman robot future always so dire looking? Why do dipshit writers never think "Oh maybe the godlike AI will like sunshine and clean and polished surfaces."?

gellaho

You know how shiny coal is

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Yes, I remember my grandfather coughing glitter after a day down mine.

The famously sparkly coal dust, you see.

No cure for Sparkle Lung.

FancyShark

MLP: Friendship is Fuel

gellaho

They seem like a real threat

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"We could have just shut off the server but this is way cooler!"

FancyShark

So your anti-code is being delivered via coded payload. Sure, AJ

gellaho

Until the magic suits suddenly stop working for no reason

Brendan

This is the most boring post-apoclyptic ninja mummy zombie Matrix we've ever surfed.

gellaho

Until the spiders just decide to leave

FancyShark

It's honestly kind of impressive in that regard

Brendan

"But how do the irradiated skeltons intensify the girls' self-doubts?" asked AJJ

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Man some names do not lend themselves to affectionate shortening and Lori is one of them.

Brendan

"Do you think that girl is skinnier than me?" asked Lori.

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Its already short for something, Ben.

FancyShark

The key to winning in this universe seems to be "outlast the author's attention span"

gellaho

Until Nemesis shows up, like a bowling ball

FancyShark

Spider bowling sounds fun

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For a godlike super AI they are fighting it an awful lot like its not.

FancyShark

You have to take away its confidence. If you treat it with respect, it'll remember its full arsenal

gellaho

We break in the middle to find that Senior Tutor Elmore Grant does not pass the Steele test

budd dwyer thot

lol

FancyShark

Half a man...lengthwise

Now it's a cybernetic All Of Me story

budd dwyer thot

does he have his... you know

his asshole

gellaho

Anyway, back to this shit

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Nope. Just a USB waste port.

Brendan

Well, good thing there are no stakes

gellaho

Legitimately, Senior Tutor Elmore Grant has barely been in this book. I don't know why he randomly appeared for three paragraphs

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They have to remind you he exists for a bit every so often, hes the M in this one.

gellaho

Ben feeds himself to Nemesis, and this happens

FancyShark

"Hi. I'm Elmore Grant. I need a special machine to poop. Anyway, thanks for your time."

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Fuck off, Ben shouldnt do something that cool.

FancyShark

Spiders: They have skulls

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Also why is the AI cybergod acting like a fucking t-rex? Fuck off and die in a Yorkshire ditch AJ.

gellaho

gellaho

gellaho

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FUCK OFF.

FancyShark

"Just like a spider!"

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"Its........some kind of cyberChrist!"

gellaho

Putting itself back together like a tent

budd dwyer thot

poles don't snap together!

FancyShark

It's doing this for the first time, which means it's getting the hang of this

budd dwyer thot

unless they're tent poles I guess

his legs snapped together like the earth's magnetic poles....

Brendan

Nemesis was our Neo all along??

budd dwyer thot

his legs snapped together like flag poles

his legs snapped together like mr. and mrs. kowalski who donated the window above the confessional

Brendan

The spider broke itself together exactly the way a melting pile of jelly in the sun wouldn't.

gellaho

A web that was like a cyberweb, cybermade by cyberspiders on cyberspace

Brendan

Cally has cybercrabs

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GIF

budd dwyer thot

jesus is this guy paid by the word

FancyShark

All this imagery doesn't change that they're supposed to be in a competition for a school award

budd dwyer thot

cally was trapped in the doorway by the World Wide Web

Brendan

Cally WAS the gateway

Are YOU the 404?

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This is how AJ understands port forwarding.

gellaho

Eddie decides a suicidal distraction is the correct course of action

Brendan

What if the web were like...a WEB?

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You fucking dork, its VR, psychic powers dont work in VR.

FancyShark

Reacting to Eddie with hatred makes Nemesis the audience surrogate

budd dwyer thot

it was like a spider web, except it wasn't made by spiders, and it was electrified. [one sentence later] cyberspiders

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Yeah that tracks. Reading this makes me want to have teens devoured by spiders.

gellaho

It goes pretty well

budd dwyer thot

is a Light Train something specific

is this part of the worldbuilding

gellaho

This book seems to assume you can break your legs in VR. Like the power of the human mind is capable of breaking bone

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Yes.

FancyShark

I think it's a mobile base?

budd dwyer thot

because it seems like a heavy train would make more of an impact

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Its a solar sail powered train they were on earlier.

IT HAS A LITERAL SAIL.

With solar panels.

gellaho

Which is great for trains

FancyShark

Winds always blow in the same direction. It's fine

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The age of sail never really ended, it just went on land.

budd dwyer thot

damn I'm getting the sense this isn't a very good book

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At least Napoleon isnt master of Europe now that the oceans are battlefields, and also the fields are battlefields.

But seriously I would watch a movie about two trains shooting cannons at each other.

gellaho

Well, time to put the physical suit on in cyberspace. Why they couldn't just do that in the real world is for only AJ Butcher to know

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Lori is going to have to get used to dressing the unresponsive. Its a core part of stealth according to Hitman games.

gellaho

If you're bones are tingling, you already have problems, man

budd dwyer thot

you're fucked eddie

FancyShark

But we're not going to get that, are we, book

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Tingling bones is a normal part of growing up, Eddie.

budd dwyer thot

no his death is certain, it says right there

gellaho

It's like you're some kind of genius

budd dwyer thot

fuck!!!!

FancyShark

Damn you, AJ Butcher. We WILL kick the football one of these times!

budd dwyer thot

eddie nelligan

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Dammit. Of all of them Eddie is the one I would like to die the most.

gellaho

I think I'd rather Ben die first

FancyShark

It's like a buffet. It's difficult to decide where to start

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At least Ben does something worthwhile from time to time even if it is scream at one of his teammates until they have a nervous breakdown.

gellaho

You don't really get the full impact of how much of an arrogant piece of shit Ben is without reading the book

Also, AJ seems to think he's the protagonist

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It would be really cool if they all died in a bus crash and AJ gave us a novel about talking dogs.

Ive never read Ian Flemings Bond novels but I have a sneaking suspicion AJ has.

gellaho

Anyway, the pods are about to give birth

FancyShark

According to Wikipedia, there's a second series where each of these little shits gets his or her own book

gellaho

AJ Butcher has decided, fuck narrative, I'll do whatever I want

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I had to check to make sure my eyes didnt start to spontaneously bleed when I read this.

FancyShark

I'm a helper!

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Also fUCK OFF AJ!

AJ's editor should have killed him with a brick.

FancyShark

Oh no. You better fire some anti-loop variables at its getvar ifelse

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Just.........unplug that shit you fucking shitheads.

Turn off the power, I guarantee it will fuck it up.

gellaho

Good news, they immediately do that

FancyShark

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImAlx0amAIc

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Fuck maybe I should write a book.

gellaho

Resulting in them killing it incredibly quickly, three times

FancyShark

CHAOS taught Nemesis to live. But these kids taught it to hate.

gellaho

Well, dealt with that virus that killed millions. Time to deal with the real threat: a kid who cheated in a competition

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AJ you dumb shit you kind of exterminated your SPECTRE analog in one book, where the whole point was they were going to be a problem from now on.

Of course by "Deal with him" they dont mean "Roll him in a carpet and beat his ass with sticks."

FancyShark

"Simon, please leave."

"Okay."

THE END

gellaho

Just enough time to get some groping in this book for children

FancyShark

Stab

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Children love a good grope, huh AJ?

gellaho

Some bare flesh for the kids

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Yeah "somehow" Jake.

FancyShark

That's a typo. She has a fridge full of bear meat

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Lori is a big freeze dried jerky enthusiast.

gellaho

Jesus Christ

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Hahahahah he bugged your literal tits and you didnt notice, Lori.

Simon is a creepster but he's got some pretty impressive sleight of hand skills

gellaho

Ah, the back of the neck. Famously not a sensitive part of the body

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

That's just a tick

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Jake, explainer of the concept of leaning your head forward.

FancyShark

Writers must get a different anatomy lesson than other people. Joe didn't notice the dart in his neck for most of that one book

gellaho

Also not an area you scrub when showering, say when washing your hair

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Lori is dumb enough Simon didnt even need to paw at her, he could have just tagged her whenever and shed never notice.

gellaho

"She didn't just get out of the shower right? Oh, she did?" - AJ Butcher

Brendan

Remind me why they can't just flip the circuit breaker on this room?

Her self worth?

FancyShark

BOOM

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And its the size of a thumbnail.........

FancyShark

Take that, girl with no self-esteem

gellaho

"Now, don't use the bathroom before the stand up competition. And don't practice any of our jokes!"

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like hon, you might have some kind of condition if you didnt notice that.

gellaho

Huh?

FancyShark

This is how we find out she's been washing a mannequin every time she "showers". Her own hygiene is non-existent

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He's like a fucking raccoon sidekick in a straight to DVD knockoff of Guardians of the Galaxy.

The kind you find in a Hong Kong night market with a misspelled cover.

gellaho

The ancient art of paint ball

gellaho

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Jesus, this is the longest fucking walk for a paintball episode.

What fucking paintball episode needs a 9/11 subplot?!?

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Everything had a 9\11 subplot for about 5 years after 2001.

FancyShark

Or a Lawnmower Man Spider plot?!

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Yeah but this doesn't even have finger-tutting!

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AJ couldnt afford the lessons.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

How am I supposed to know what's happened?!

gellaho

AJ's just going full Brit now

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"Our American NHS has taken care of.........what do you mean that isnt a thing?!"

FancyShark

"Let's go on holiday and take a lorry to queue up for a game of cricket, Fellow American"

gellaho

Jake rolls out his master plan: bird calls

FancyShark

That means he flipped them off

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None of these kids has ever seen a live bird.

Jake least of all, he lived in a dome.

gellaho

Yeah, full English now

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In a more entertaining book Simon and the gang would go "Ahah! The sound of a crested bluetit, not native to this area. Jake the dome living dumbass is right over there."

gellaho

Ham, AJ, the tradition is ham over here

FancyShark

Or goose, if you want to remain stuck in the 60s

gellaho

The one as big as me?

Brendan

You know what we Yanks always say: Robert is your uncle.

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GIF

gellaho

Anyway, the slaughter begins

FancyShark

It's not paintball until someone gets paralyzed

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Hahahahahah rad, use your woman as a human shield.

Hope you like having a dry dick, Simon.

gellaho

That's an interesting spelling

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Sure, yeah. Jake has earned that with all the zero conflicts he had with Simon.

gellaho

Jake's going to hell tonight

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He totally doesnt spend most of the time sulking in the background.

FancyShark

Jake slits Simon's throat and watches the life fade from his eyes.

"No one disrespects Sonia but me."

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"No it isnt."

"What?"

"We go to spy school, dummy. Of course its legal to do spy shit, why do you think we are having a spy competition?!"

gellaho

Jake is the main character. I mean, AJ doesn't know that but it's obvious to anyone with half a brain

gellaho

Time for murder

FancyShark

Going a little overboard for him planting a tracking device on the back of her neck

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Just.........stab him in the ear with an icepick and claim he killed himself, Jake.

This is why you are the main character in secret.

gellaho

Nah, straight to stranglin'

FancyShark

Kill him and say he fell, Jake. You're supposed to practice lying.

The chad move would be to prevent Simon from being able to respond

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Jake you fucking little wuss, you dont have the balls to make that threat stick and now he knows you're a problem.

gellaho

What a triumph

FancyShark

Remember, kids: If you want to win, threaten the competition

gellaho

God, Ben, I fucking hate you

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"I mean I dont control the judges and its a points thing and we are way ahead, so fuck you, but you won in spirit."

gellaho

I hate you so much

FancyShark

Desserts, AJ

You stupid asshole

gellaho

Ben justly belongs in a desert

Alone and without any water

FancyShark

I would read the hell out of that book

gellaho

I'm sure this is fine

FancyShark

Great leadership instincts, Ben

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Just the worst team leader.

REally reflects well on the Spy High staff they dont notice what a little shit he is.

gellaho

Time for the school ball, you know, like in America

FancyShark

No, it does need to be said, AJ. Because I wouldn't invite them to be part of the cleanup crew

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Whatever, we dont even need to think about Jennifer's issues because AJ is going to have them be the kind of issues you fix with some Jake loving.

gellaho

Senior Tutor Elmore Grant has a message for Jennifer

FancyShark

"Back in black."

Then several lines that just say "guitar solo"

gellaho

The gorge?

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Aunt Li lacks somewhat in felicity of style, admittedly, but you cant fault her for clarity.

In a much cooler novel she would be puking over the return of her estranged father, a lethal kung fu master who killed her mother and her new husband.

gellaho

Callie and Eddie wrestling on the dance floor

FancyShark

Lori feels the back of her neck and find seven more tracking devices stuck there like chewing gum under a table

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Lori finally picks up on something going on without having to be told? Preposterous.

Poppycock, as we Americans say.

In America.

Where we all are.

FancyShark

Here in the colonies

gellaho

Eddie takes some time out of wrasslin to taunt Ben

gellaho

The end, apparently

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First thing Eddie has done that I can get behind.

"Yeah you said. Look, I know you're the hot but dumb one but I was asking for more information, not the same information rephrased."

"If thats all it says that's fine, just say that."

FancyShark

The note actually says "Jennifer's gone", just so Lori wouldn't get confused

gellaho

Then a preview of the next book, so we don't need to worry about that

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Strangely it was signed by Aunt Li.

gellaho

FancyShark

He's BRITISH?!

The betrayal!

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While I doubt that happened I feel a strong need to lecture some English schoolchildren about not giving dorks their well due ass beatings.

Brendan

Jen has been absent for so long I thought she wised up. And I was right.

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Also AJ "Trying to tell stories constantly so I dont get my ass beaten." isnt the way you want to phrase that to someone who just read Spy High.

gellaho

We have defeated Spy High: MIssion Two: Chaos Rising

FancyShark

We did it!

Brendan

We have infiltrated Spy High Book 2: The Nemesis Imperative

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The cover edit is brilliantly subtle, great job.

gellaho

That's more ofa Time Wars title

Brendan

As we say in America, "Cheers, it's brill, luv."

FancyShark

Great riffing, everybody! Thank you, @gellaho !

gellaho

So concludes the 103rd Edition of The Book Cage

gellaho

May all your computer programs be cyberresurrected

FancyShark

Have a great night, everyone!

Brendan

Thanks everybody but mostly gellaho