103: Spy High: Mission Two: Chaos Rising A. J. Butcher

gellaho

Isn't the whole point of the stasis gun that it's nonlethal?

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

yeah but like, fuck that baby though

set phasers to "fuck that baby"

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Do you need to like hit center of mass or something to make the stasis work?

Thats fuckin weird.

gellaho

Lori dies because she was too busy helping that old man to learn how to activate the infrared sights

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Ben is gonna slap the shit out of her and she is going to be sad that his palm stung hitting her worthless face.

infinite tempest jakesy

Wait so she gets killed and the writer goes full passive mid scene

"And she died" lol

gellaho

It's a great relationship

gellaho

And great behavior to portray in this book for children

infinite tempest jakesy

Weird time to jizz all over the place but ok

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Ben..........you are real focused on these meaningless points over getting your actual job done.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Can't we just, like, beat Ben up

gellaho

Jesus Christ

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"vital" in the sense that if Ben doesnt win at life he will have a breakdown.

gellaho

I mean, come the fuck on, AJ

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If Simon just jumped Ben with a sock full of gravel right now I'd cheer out loud.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

You feel better now that that's all out of your system, AJ?

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So this is like what, two now, teammates Ben has browbeaten into a nervous breakdown, huh?

Great team leader, Spy High. Great use of tax dollars.

gellaho

I should point out that this came out in 2003. So, right in the wake of 9/11. This is some grossly cynical shit here

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

If we don't go out and shop the terrorists win!

gellaho

Might as well follow that up with some child voyeurism

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I'm also wondering that, Jennifer.

gellaho

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What..........what an odd way to phrase that, AJ.

I was kidding about the 2000 AD strips, bud.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

it's almost like he wanted this to be a comic book at some point and then the publishing offer crapped out

gellaho

From the bushes, Jennifer finds out that Jake's home has imploded

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

hahaha he's literally doing 9/11.

he's fucking invoking 9/11 in his dippy spy kids ripoff.

gellaho

Something the British English teacher should definitely be doing

That's certainly something he should do

Fucking, excuse me?

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Hahahahha what are those domes even MADE of if bringing one down is a big problem?

Beth, Peggy and.....Glubb?

Their.........friend?

Francesca Glubb?

gellaho

Uh oh

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Ohhhhh okay.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

what the goddamn fuck is happening

gellaho

I don't care for any of this

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Jakes sister is trying to cope with her dome being fucked sideways and talking to her dolls as a coping mechanism, normal YA stuff.

gellaho

Hey, AJ? Fuck you

gellaho

I'm not OK with this

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And now she doesnt have to cope anymore.

AJ 9\11ed the shit out of Jakes sister.

gellaho

Eat all the dicks, AJ

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And I

am pretty sure we didnt know he had one.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Man.

I don't think we've had a book this unapologetically tasteless for a while.

gellaho

AJ, YOU'RE LAST BOOK HAD GODAMNED FRANKENSTEIN MUTANTS

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Wait, fuck you AJ, you spent a lot of time making Ben a total asshole, its too late to try and humanize him now you did a 9\11 on some domes.

gellaho

I mean, he still didn't

gellaho

Don't worry, Ben is still a complete asshole

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Well at least he didnt yell "Your poor ass Domer family got liquidated by CHAOS, nerd!" and do a backflip.

gellaho

The award for most unreasonable demands goes to:

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Oh the Society of Reasonable Demands is next time.

gellaho

I hate this book

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Oh no wonder Ben can just do his thing, Grant is from fuckin Mars.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Haha AJ has no fucking balls.

His one plot beat and he undoes it asap.

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Unless Grant is lying to keep Jake under control, but that might be a little too interesting for this book.

gellaho

So, they're going to the dome and Ben has to pick a team. Lori takes it well

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Losing your fuckin mind because you didnt get picked for the counter terror operation.

And to be fair, Ben is neck deep in broken teammates so he might as well pick the one who wins fights.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Sobbing into her Jake body pillow because she didn't get assigned to Zero Dark Thirty

gellaho

And so, Lori gets left behind with Eddie so she can get sexually harassed

gellaho

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Literally just murder Eddie.

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AJ. You know not every team needs a funny person who is also not good at anything? Its true.

gellaho

This is a news report?

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Reads like a 2003 Tucker Carlson op ed.

gellaho

Americans just love the word "prattle"

Take a SkyBike to the Border Zone

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"The DEMOCRATS and the WOKE MILITARY love all the CHAOS collapsing your domes, America."

Wait if the environment is fine why the fuck are people living in friggin DOMES, AJ?!

gellaho

I'm sure this description has nothing to do with Cally's skin tone

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I can feel the word "urban" swimming thru AJ's brain.

gellaho

I hate you, Ben

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Also Cally is the most nakedly psychologically unstable characters in a book full of them.

AJ WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE GODDAM DOMES?!

Either tell me or stop talking about it, you fucker.

gellaho

Treating the people of the "Midwest" like literal fetuses

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AJ your world building is ass.

Swarthy fetuses.

gellaho

I think it's only been like a year, maybe less

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"Seemed to be" but we know his swarthy Midwestern father is just suspicious that living outside the dome has caused Jakes soul to fly into the sky.

gellaho

Acting like he's been out to sea for five years when they have goddamned holograms

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"People in Domes are so poor they have to send e mail, like barbarians."

gellaho

SKY SPIDERS

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"Yeah sure. Sky spiders tho, huh?"

gellaho

Back at school, we learn the other two team names

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Oh shit is Simon the one person at this school who isnt a maniac?

gellaho

Can't be that many Hannays

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No, he's talking to Lori, who is gullible and has the willpower and self esteem of a waterlogged roast beef. He's got to be working an angle.

gellaho

Oh, goddammit

gellaho

You dickhead

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Hahahahaha fuck off AJ

I had to google that shit, its from 1936 you fucking dork.

infinite tempest jakesy

Also not American

gellaho

And Lori, of course, falls apart at this truce trick

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My guy I realize the "great American spy" category is limited but cmon.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

fucking Nathan Hale was right there.

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You're writing this in the 2000s so you have the ability to know who like Bill Donovan is or something.

gellaho

You could have at least named one after Felix Leiter

Jesus Christ, AJ

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Get really daring and name one after Ethel Rosenberg, AJ.

gellaho

2003, baby

They are astounding that they hacked the system, even though the system had already been hacked

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NOOOOOOOOO SHIIIIIIIIIIT THE SYSTEMS BEEN COMPROMISED.

gellaho

Trace the taint!

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"This one seems to be a primitive diagram for a new kind of holographic fleshlight?"

gellaho

Hahaha

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Larsky taking notes for his blueprint spank bank.

gellaho

Al-Roussasa has quantum-leaped into Spy High!

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GIF

gellaho

The third subbasement! Save the senator from the Assassins!

infinite tempest jakesy

Subbasement lol

gellaho

I had to read/hear third subbasement so many times for Dead on Target

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I cant imagine having so many subs you need a special basement for them, let alone three.

gellaho

That's a pretty generous countdown timer

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CHAOS' computer guy is like 15 years old and from 1996.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Jake wants to pet Jennifer

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Jake. Take it from me. Get a cat.

gellaho

This is how the hu-mans behave

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You can pet a cat all you want and it will try to kill you from time to time so its going to work for you perfectly.

gellaho

I mean, you're running from a computer that's about to explode, what do you need, like, 20 feet?

gellaho

Dan Dan was right next to it and was fine.

Joe Hardy survived at least 17

Well, that was close. I guess.

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Um...........Aj, bad news. If the building blew up like that it probably liquified their organs.

gellaho

Supervirus

infinite tempest jakesy

I'm preparing the cure for the virus, a program known as CHODES

gellaho

How do I keep finding worse writing? It doesn't seem like it should be possible

gellaho

That's just so upsetting

Dude teaches English

Ben tells her he almost just exploded, and apparently that was the last straw

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Good think he left his best girl behind to hold down the fort, its great to have someone you can trust......oh shit wait.......

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Hahaha chaos's plan is fucking Covid.

gellaho

Keep it in your pants, Jennifer

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Fucking hell, her literal only character traits are being horny as fuck and being batshit insane.

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AJ its not an improvement if your previous character traits for her were "mysterious Asian" and "knows kung fu."

infinite tempest jakesy

The only part Butcher gets right about high school kids

gellaho

They take the Light Train, or a ridiculous solar powered train with sails

gellaho

Because you really want to add a ton of drag to your train

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Fuck off Ben, nobody likes you just because you're on a mission.

gellaho

Hahaha, I forgot that was her full name

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

That's a fucking Muppet name

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God I hate these characters so much. Theres just nothing decent to hold on to.

gellaho

Maybe it was something. Maybe it was not.

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My kingdom for a Rex Moran.

gellaho

Oh, good, back to this shit

infinite tempest jakesy

Yeah this is a really tough series for me to get into at all, even in a riffing way

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Fuck off with this coffin shit AJ, you havent killed even ONE of these nerds.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Honestly as soon as he went all in on the 9/11 imagery it dropped straight into being beneath contempt.

gellaho

Nope. No. Nuh-uh. Unacceptable

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

FUCK

OFF.

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Fuck off AJ, we dont need him being self aware. Eat a bag of fuckin juicy dicks.

Dip em in chocolate and hork em down.

gellaho

So, I take it you want more?

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God I hope so, Eddie.

I really do.

Killing you off would make for a definite improvement.

gellaho

It's just a rock solid relationship

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Lori.......you are such a fuckin jellyfish.

gellaho

AJ reveals he doesn't understand trains

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AJ is that supposed to be like your idea of a slick future train? One that has sails and doesnt vibrate somehow?

Also these kids are bad spies.

gellaho

Nemesis

gellaho

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Easily in contention for the weakest Star Trek movie

gellaho

It's good we set this guy up as the big bad in the last book

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Hahahaha yeah dunk on that nerd while the train accelerates to your doom.

gellaho

The electricity snakes are back

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

The terrorists are the real victims here

gellaho

Moisten them lips for AI

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"Yeah it turns out we dont like chaos all that much, we really should have read our Kropotkin like that guy told us in college."

"Really what we found out we liked was fucking up YOU guys, when it happens to US it sucks, and we should really have thought of that before we made a doomsday AI."

"But, y'know........CHAOS and all so we rolled with it."

gellaho

Both foreshadowing and then not

gellaho

Similes are hard

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Wait theres.......a broken window and they're going at hundreds of miles an hour...........

That doesnt seem quite right, AJ.

AJ, as an American I dont know what trains are like, but I know about cars and I know you have them in the UK so you know that if you go fast theres quite a bit of wind............

AJ have you never ridden in a car OR train?!

gellaho

Anyway, they crawl to the front of the train

Read multiple books with this exact same thing. Like a car chase, maybe not something to put in a book

Anyway, meet Nemesis, the spider

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Aj most train danger includes like some dudes to fight. Just saying.

gellaho

Ben almost fell off, but was an asshole about it when he was saved

But it went on for a while, so skipped

I mean, they literally flew here on SkyBikes so I don't know why they took the train back in the first place

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The Spy High kids just really like public transportation and support it with their dollars.

gellaho

Pascal Z

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The cooler and edgier Pascal.

If you collect all seven Pascals you get a wish, but watch out for Frieza.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Seven? From the sound of it there's something like 25 more of the little fuckers out there.

gellaho

Well, that's the end of Part One

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Dear god.

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Fuuuuuuuuck.

It's never a good sign when a setpiece has to be skipped because its fuckin boring.

gellaho

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Chaos has a strange way of rising in this one.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Good grief, this one is a slog.

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I suppose "Chaos loses control of their doomsday weapon." doesnt have the same ring.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Chaos Eats Shit

gellaho

Skip action scenes a lot because it's just descriptive and not very interesting. I also skipped so much of Simon flirting

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

And yet look at how much awful there was left to cover!

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Thank fuck.

Last thing I needed was to have to read a dude inventing flirting with the one girl who all you have to do is tell her shes pretty and also she likes you.

If you dont phrase it as a question Lori just goes along with it.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Anyone else just kind of sitting here in the aftershock or just me

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Im deciding what I want for dinner, all the teen spy drama made me hungry.

FancyShark

Woo! Book Ca- oh dammit

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 103.5 - Spy High: Mission Two: Chaos Rising

Well, last week we got exploding computers, collapsing domes, and terrible teens being terrible. What new horrors await in Part Two of Mission Two? Will Ben get punched in the face? Will Eddie get kicked in the nuts? Will Daniel Daniels rise from the grave? For the answer to these questions, join me Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

FancyShark

lol, Daniel Daniels. Butcher work hard on that name?

gellaho

Dan Dan had his computer explode, was beset by electrical cables that acted like snakes, and then ran into an empty elevator shaft and died

FancyShark

haha, classic Dan Dan

He died as he lived: an idiot

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

And we haven't even gotten into the 9/11 imagery!

gellaho

His computer had the personality of Marilyn Monroe

FancyShark

Is it possible to mourn someone less than not at all?

Because that would be appropriate now that I know that about Dan Dan

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Did it thank him for turning it on?

gellaho

FancyShark

An Alexa that talks like Marilyn Monroe isn't a dating sim, but it's almost as sad

infinite tempest jakesy

Those future kids in 2060 and their obsession with women from 100 years ago, classic

gellaho

A little under an hour until Spy High:Mission Two: Chaos Rising, part two.

gellaho

Have a preview

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

jesus I legit forgot it's friday

FancyShark

A rare instance of a character withholding information because that info is pointless

gellaho

It's very important, they're competing for the Sherlock Shield. Which is definitely what an American spy school would call their prize

FancyShark

A.J. Butcher has their finger on the pulse of the modern youths with their hip-hop music and their bell-bottom pants

gellaho

He's British, and you can tell

He's also an English teacher, but you can't tell that

FancyShark

No one said he had to be a good English teacher

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Those who can do, those who can't teach

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I'm so ready. I have corn dogs and some mango nectar, my mind is prepared.

This one is even more dire and stupid than the first one and that's saying something.

FancyShark

I hope some day we get one of these authors trying to pass as functioning people and they decide they're way into speed metal

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

I think that's how we got weezer for rock

FancyShark

Still trying to be fancy and clever, but they're trying to bluff their way through a metal concert.

Bad Rap was lightning in a bottle, is my point

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

gellaho

Well, back to it

FancyShark

"Where's the light switch?": The Cover

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Rejected Harry Dresden cover art & title number 182

gellaho

It's good to see the writing's stayed strong

FancyShark

Were they leaving on that light train to Georgia?

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Lori, Ben can smell the rival male on you, its too late.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

I'm already doing the dismissive jerkoff motion at this book and it's only been one page.

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Really just a paragraph.

gellaho

I'm assuming Last Team Standing is the stand up round

FancyShark

Spyscapes. They're like landscapes, except all the imagery is classified

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

It's just playing I Spy

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Ben continues to be bad at a basic piece of spycraft: maintaining the loyalty of his subordinates.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

The school has to try really hard to duck copyright

FancyShark

I still can't believe Ben didn't turn villain in the first book

If Butcher makes that a twist in a later book, we're finding where he lives

gellaho

That, sexy, sexy naked chair

FancyShark

"After your execution, please be sure to rate and review us. We thrive on feedback."

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I think he's supposed to be what AJ thinks Connery Bond is but forgot Connery Bond is a smarmy asshole and a rapist.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Ben's young. Give him time.

FancyShark

It's so weird because he sets off all the red flags of "this guy is going to betray the group and be the evil guy" and then...nothing

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Theres been some attempt to humanize him in this one.

He feels bad for making fun of Jake being from the Domes now that Jake got 9\11ed.

FancyShark

lol, wait, Jake's dead?

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Never forget

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No but I wish he was.

gellaho

But especially chaos, but especially nemesis

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His Home Dome got destroyed by Tesco Skynet.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

"I'll tell you about Nemesis okay?! The romulans made a clone of Picard! He's played by Tom Hardy but before he was really famous! They're gonna nuke earth for the Remans!!"

FancyShark

"Then they put a trenchcoat on him and sent him to Raccoon City to kill the S.T.A.R.S. team!"

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

"Then he drove a big truck and kicked a lot of ass with a bald lady with one arm!!"

gellaho

Lori gets catty and - wait, what about her teeth?

FancyShark

"Then he went to a massive virtual reality world and was actually a pretty chill dude."

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Corbin will fail to become prime minister of the UK someday.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

"And then— I dunno, some kinda tar alien absorbed him and now they're symbiotically linked? I dunno, it got kinda weird and sexual after that so I tuned out"

FancyShark

Neon teeth, to show she's American

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From the Boston Crabtrees, I assume.

gellaho

Butcher was setting up like he was about to brutally murder Jake's younger sister by dropping a dome on her.

But, everyone survived so it was a lot of dread for nothing

FancyShark

hahaha, coward

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Just like the terrible tragedy of 9/11, where the buildings collapsed but everyone was fine so there was no reason to be upset

gellaho

What a fun story

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Osama Bin Laden should never have gotten the CIA training to build a mecha-spider.

FancyShark

Trolley Problem is not the best backstory

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Not delivered like this, it isn't

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GIF

I genuinely feel a little bad invoking Mr. Rogers for such a dark joke.

Oh well, he'd forgive me.

FancyShark

Dude appreciated a good joke. He was the best.

gellaho

But, don't worry about that. It's time for the Spyscape competition! What's the Spyscape? Fuck you for asking

FancyShark

oh there you are, Eddie. I was hoping you'd died

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Its really just a leftover Nickelodeon obstacle course they added lasers to.

FancyShark

Legends of the Hidden Spyscape

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

So they need to find the deceptor, that they're already holding.

Brendan

Alright, let's get this book party started and also cull the unbelievers from our midst.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Feels like the cart is before the horse on this one, AJ.

gellaho

liiiips