106: Bicycling Through Space and Time Mike Sirota

The Badgers in the Discords

it's so inept that it's impossible to make fun of.

I mostly just pity it.

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

even pterry was kind enough to have footnotes for this shit

FancyShark

Ernest Cline must've read the shit out of this book

gellaho

Now, time to list a bunch of publishers

HeyitsTom

oh it's semi-autobiographical

FancyShark

Out of curiosity, who published this book?

FancyShark

It's completely and utterly awful

HeyitsTom

you nailed that reference

gellaho

One of the ones listed

FancyShark

Biting the hand that feeds him

gellaho

Really liven up the dead dad with a Texas Chainsaw Massacre reference

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Honestly an impressive reference to make pre-IMDB

gellaho

I guess Domino's must have sent a cease and desist

FancyShark

Somehow, Sirota never learned their name

HeyitsTom

such verisimilitude!

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

He ate the box

FancyShark

That tracks. It tastes just like the pizza

IN YOUR FACE, DOMINO'S! I HAVE NO ACTUAL PROBLEM WITH YOUR PRODUCT

gellaho

He spends a lot of time at home giving pointless backstory. You can have the last sentence

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Too late, Domino's is crying

Either he's getting paid, or he sent invoices to all these companies afterwards

FancyShark

Eat all the dicks, Jack

gellaho

Sirota can only imagine Elmer Fudd

HeyitsTom

gasp! another planeswalker! Do they duel???

gellaho

It's a cat girl, so probably something else

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

It's called Ten Speed eye, and it affects seven out of ten bicyclists

The fuck is a "street skate"

gellaho

And she's apparently a Yoda

FancyShark

Oh hai, Lae'zel

HeyitsTom

I think I made the same joke when the future guy showed up in Tom Swift, but "to us, YOU seem insufferable"

gellaho

Oh, boy, oh boy

Jesus Christ

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Five page sex scene?

FancyShark

subtle

HeyitsTom

I think this is just a real conversation the author once had with a woman on a bus

FancyShark

The only difference is that here, she's talking back

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

He's leaving out the part where she pepper sprayed him but yeah

gellaho

Hormona

HeyitsTom

well it's not over yet

FancyShark

Sirota, you get one point for acknowledging how horny this character design is. Let's see how many you lose

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

But he made the character design

FancyShark

Yeah. Otherwise he'd get two points

gellaho

Reproductor

FancyShark

okay, fuck you, Sirota. Give back that point

HeyitsTom

yeah sure, her body stiffened

just hers

FancyShark

That means she died

HeyitsTom

oh no I'm so sorry

gellaho

Then she, let me get this right, masturbates herself with her mind

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

I also would love Jack to have jumped

FancyShark

Visible aphrodisiacs were outlawed by the Geneva Convention along with mustard gas

gellaho

She invites him to her sexy cat plane, but has to leave

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Feels like a good time to mention bikes can back up

HeyitsTom

impossible

the vanderburger gear prohibits such activity

gellaho

And now introduces the terrifying Bart Simpson gates

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Ladies, Gentlemen, Sharks; we've found hell.

Brendan

This reads like someone doing a decent job keeping the coke to two rails a day.

gellaho

And so he decides to go in a different portal and pretend to be a god

Brendan

The motivating crisis of this book is "Can a cat-woman be so pedantic even a furry won't fuck her?"

gellaho

Is there somewhere I can conceil my thing?

The Badgers in the Discords

"looking at it should have struck an amusing chord" should have been the pull quote for this manuscript

FancyShark

Nothing makes you a hero like asking a child to keep a secret

gellaho

Wakka wakka

Brendan

Think how many movies Hollywood made with a Hormona-type weirdo while for decades they just flatly refused to let a woman be the action protagonist.

This is too many pop culture references for 1991. Anything pre-Clerks should dial it down.

FancyShark

Sirota probably went on to write the Scary Movie franchise

gellaho

He describes surfing to this kid in the dumbest way possible

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

You can't compress this much shit without accidentally making a diamond. I'm changing my preditction: this book is going to somehow accurately predict the future

gellaho

Then, wouldn't you know it? Surfboards show up?

gellaho

That's a joke, I guess

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Was Jack swept up in a tornado and got bonked on the head real hard, and now his kansas farm family is gathered around hoping he wakes up?

gellaho

That is a lot of words to not actually describe anything

Brendan

Again, he is in an NES game.

Brendan

How am I supposed to picture this if he doesn't describe their breasts?

gellaho

And time to get meta

gellaho

gellaho

They have buns of some form or fashion, is that not good enough for you?

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Also the author is very much a foot guy

You don't describe a catgirl's shoes for that long out of consideration for the reader

gellaho

Time for another timeless reference

HeyitsTom

I'm so sick of this shit. "Dog (I think)"

look dude, you're our window into this world

if you're wrong we'll never know

FancyShark

The constant references are no longer a gimmick. They've officially become the sign he's lazy

Brendan

This protagonist is some odd hybrid of Fry and Brannigan

HeyitsTom

also I had to look up spuds mckenzie, so he's basically the slug that sells slurm except in dog form?

gellaho

And now introducing: cuckold village

Brendan

Just a horny idiot who only sees the world through TV references

HeyitsTom

oh we both went futurama at the same time

Brendan

If you reverse that, you know all there is to know about the Slurm Wonka Slug

gellaho

Cuckold village part 2

HeyitsTom

yeah I basically just reverse-engineered what that character was a reference to

gellaho

He doesn't have sex with Kimbal's girlfriend

FancyShark

Anything I want? Okay. Paint my house

gellaho

But, Kimbal's mom? Absolutely

FancyShark

"We have crazy STI's"

gellaho

The next morning, even more bullshit from his books show up

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Does this count as a five page sex scene?

Brendan

Speaking of two garbage cans being smashed together, I fucked your mom last night, Kimbal.

gellaho

References!

Brendan

"She was the hottest non-cat-alien I'd ever had sex with, with a pussy that could vacuum-seal a glass jar. Unfortunately it also had a pH of 12. I have died. Return to page 23 and choose again."

Brendan

This fucking guy

The worst part is we ALL GET his references. At no point does he namedrop My Stepmother Is an Alien or any other misses.

HeyitsTom

ok look, I know the internet is full of privileged white idiots getting offended on other peoples behalfs, but if we don't stand up for the kamamakamans no one will

FancyShark

At the rate he's going, he might run out of references before the end of the book and have to write actual descriptions

gellaho

Comedy: it's just that easy

FancyShark

Jeeez!

Brendan

He died JEEEEEZ

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Does this count as a five page sex scene?

gellaho

Aw man, how am I supposed to rub one out now?

Brendan

"The attackers looked like Labyrinth villains, but screeched like Alien xenomorphs. Their needles stabbed at me, like tacks in the bare feet of a Wet Bandit, from that movie, Home Alone. I screamed, a Wilhelm scream."

HeyitsTom

oh I forgot about the bukko

gellaho

Bullshit

FancyShark

I'm telling you, Ernest Cline loves this book

Brendan

Oh no, you're trapped here in the land of Free Use Hotties.

HeyitsTom

more like areelkrokkashit

was that the joke?

gellaho

Comedy: it's just silly words and references

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

oh god i think it was

Brendan

However will you bike to planet Midkonversatio Felinus Masturbatem?

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Well they're going to hop on the bike and then they'll ease on down, ease on down the road

Brendan

Six very long distances, do I have to spell it out to you? It was like .75 Neverending Story treks.

FancyShark

And we shall call it "The Big Bang Theory"

gellaho

Too subtle, the planet was literally called Vulvan

Brendan

I'm rubbing my cat's belly while we do this and it's making me feel like I'm the pervert. Fuck you, book, you're the pervert.

gellaho

Secret to comedy part 3: break format,but don't include any jokes

HeyitsTom

oh fuck ooooooooooooff

FancyShark

Bet Sirota wouldn't like what his people would call him

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

He didn't, and this book is his revenge

Brendan

The best heroes have a flaw they have to face. So imagine how great Jack is, he's all flaws.

I'm not going to play it yet, but I can already tell I'm going to use this month's Rex Moran summoning card.

gellaho

Can't wait to see what kind of bullshit this is

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

oh god it's a tenspeed

HeyitsTom

it's a bike with a human vagina

said to reject all but the most handsome fantasy and sci fi authors

gellaho

Thinking too imaginatively

HeyitsTom

oh. I would not have guessed sloth

gellaho

Sloth means fast, right?

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

I've gone through hating this and come out the other side; this rocks

HeyitsTom

I don't think you can have sticky suckers AND claws

FancyShark

Because having suckers on your feet is perfect for running long distances

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

They're grabbing the ground and pulling it towards them

HeyitsTom

I'm not there yet

gellaho

And just as quickly, they're gone

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Nevermind

HeyitsTom

exactly as epic

FancyShark

The terrible land is an ocean

gellaho

Wakka wakka

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

I will find and give money to this author if it turns out the abducted person is just dead

Brendan

I'm lost. Can he explain what these look like using Star Wars aliens and Dark Crystal denizens?

HeyitsTom

dohnwanna, ruled over by the magistrate missathang

gellaho

References!

Brendan

These things sound awesome, why are they banned?

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

the fuck's an autoclub

HeyitsTom

everyone too busy fucking each other's wives to agree on a rule change

gellaho

Suddenly: caveman

FancyShark

Sirota's writing is getting more "guy who won't stop talking at the bar" as he gets more excited

gellaho

And now, Jack has psychic powers

Brendan

FUCK YOU

gellaho

References!

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Naaah!

HeyitsTom

who the fuck is marlin perkins

Brendan

I love when a hero is faced with a challenge and spawns omnipotence to defeat it.

gellaho

References!

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

He's a nature documentarian who died in 1986

FancyShark

Someone stop him!

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

So this reference was at best 5 years stale at time of print

HeyitsTom

timeless

I really hate this "would ya believe it?" style he slips into now and then

Brendan

This is officially worse than the entire RCA planet Gideon Magichands Tanko Hoobastank series.

HeyitsTom

I think it's what he does when he's tired

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Or confused

gellaho

References!

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Or excited

HeyitsTom

or drunk

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Or right after he breathes

Brendan

At least that guy wrote descriptions, albeit in the most awkward way possible. Sirota just casually chucks everything at the nearest point of refernce.

The Badgers in the Discords

Ready Player 0.5

HeyitsTom

kimbal took his ass?

such famous mamakmaman hospitality

gellaho

They fuck around in the jungle for a while.

Then they find a new village

gellaho

Star Trek! Get it!?

HeyitsTom

live briefly and suffer earns a heavy sigh

gellaho

Yoggana

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Hah so whacky

They're giving them the middle finger, everyone, which is not what you usually do to new people

gellaho

More magic powers for Jack

FancyShark

It's like they've met Jack before

gellaho

References!

FancyShark

DAMMIT, Sirota!

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

That's a reference for POINTING

It reminds me of that scene in The Godfather

HeyitsTom

if this manifesting his own books means he's actually just in a coma, I don't know if that will be better or worse

gellaho

STAR TREK IS A THING, DO YOU GET IT!?

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Where marlon brando says 'hey look at that cloud' and he points

FancyShark

Or that scene in Goodfellas where Joe Pesci kills Spider after pointing a gun at him

gellaho

References!

HeyitsTom

this truly is the prototype of ernest cline isn't it

FancyShark

The horse is not dead as long as there is flesh to whip

gellaho

A they get grabbed by the bat-things and flown to where they wanted to go. Which is nice of the ETs

FancyShark

Couldn't even bring himself to cite Shakespeare

HeyitsTom

if it's not a chef's hat, you can just say nothing

Brendan

Famous Mamakamaman saying: who takes an ass, has two asses. Who gives his ass, the shall find ass around the world.

HeyitsTom

"now fuck my wife, please."

FancyShark

Henny Youngman's first draft didn't land as well

gellaho

And the women appear to be hypnotized

gellaho

References!

Brendan

I've got $5 says this was a running joke in his college dorm after getting high and watching S1E08.

FancyShark

Sirota, you can reference Skeletor but you can't identify a fucking mace?

HeyitsTom

sorry, reclining on their knees?

gellaho

Hey Lucy, I'm References!

Brendan

GOD FUCK DAMMIT STOP

FancyShark

Thank you for implying there are good people who would grin lecherously at splayed captive women, Sirota

HeyitsTom

they bowed to their navels (assuming they had them). Once again, jacky boy, you are our window into the world. Just tell us what body parts they have

gellaho

Hmmm, no bueno

FancyShark

This is accurate. Fred was a player

Brendan

He's actually going to plagiarize star trek to correct his corruption of the same thing that's a remedy I HATE YOU FOR THIS

HeyitsTom

so when the old guy kept fingering his earhole I was goin to joke that it was sexual

but now we know he author has an ear thing

gellaho

Yay for magic powers

HeyitsTom

a long metal bar that looks like a javelin is just a javelin

Brendan

Like that TV horse, Mr. Ed.

HeyitsTom

just call it a javelin

I cannot stress this enough

gellaho

Only genuine laugh so far

FancyShark

AAAGGGHHHH!

HeyitsTom

yeah I guess that's kinda funny

but I'm too mad to enjoy it

FancyShark

"Who gives a shit?" was the original title

gellaho

Magic powers for everyone

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

The Evil Bicycle Gang

Brendan

I don't know if I can express how weird it would be for a 1991 adult old enough to write a book to recognize 1986 references like Super Mario and Skeletor. Vader, yes, but not syndicated kids' stuff.

gellaho

Jesus H Christ

HeyitsTom

assuming linear time if he's been here 20 years, his answer should be "arnold who?"

Brendan

What is he, a gopher?

FancyShark

Jack would go on to be the most unpopular guest at every frat party he "stumbled upon"

gellaho

If you are wondering how the bad guy died here, he started shooting lightning into the ceiling for no reason and crushed himself

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

That's how I want to go

With dignity, lightning, and comedic irony

gellaho

Sparkletts

Brendan

I often pause while fighting someone with lightning bolt powers to set up a joke and then deliver a punchline.

HeyitsTom

"I mean, it wasn't dangerous enough for there to be any tension or anything"

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Naaaah

This book was written by MTV

Brendan

Okay, I'm caught up and I hate it.

HeyitsTom

it's like that one bit in rick and morty where jerry comes in holding a crowbar and says "I'm Mr Crowbar, and this is my friend also a crowbar." Except they weren't trying to be stupid

gellaho

Everyone gets back safely, and Jack fucks up again on the way out

Brendan

I was so excited for a silly litttle crappy scifi book but I hate Jack Miller so goddamn much.

Just peak SNL catchphrase/reference/assholes are heroes.

gellaho

And back to this shit

FancyShark

Let's recap: Fuck you, reader. That is all.

Wait. So now they aren't able to save his ass more than twice?

gellaho

Good news: The old guy decides to help Jack fuck the cat lady

FancyShark

Sirota: "I wrote self-insert erotica and you're going to read it"

HeyitsTom

that's the end, right?

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Well we did it. Everyone can stop making books now. We're done. We've finished books.

gellaho

Sirota decides to skip that entirely

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

We have all the books we need

NO

HeyitsTom

close enough

Mordred Dances with Werewoofs

🎵 Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the iridescent snowman...

HeyitsTom

skipping over that is the first right choice he's made

FancyShark

The cat-fucker story is for Sirota Subscribers Only

Hi, @Mordred Dances with Werewoofs !

gellaho

Good thing he spent so much time setting that up

Mordred Dances with Werewoofs

Support me on my Patreon, etc

gellaho

Mike Sirota is apparently very scared of Bart Simpson

Mordred Dances with Werewoofs

Don't have a cow, man.

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

The fuck is San Onofre State Park

his references are getting more and more personal

this man is going to dox himself instead of describing something

gellaho

Tom Petty Xenomorphs

FancyShark

"The ground broke up, just like you did with me, Carol Andrews of 4325 Maple Ridge"

HeyitsTom

this seems unnecessarily cruel to Tom Petty

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

dude's getting jumped by a Fruit Gushers commercial

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

does that next line say "okay back to the gate"

gellaho

Let's just squeeze another Field of Dreams in here

HeyitsTom

ugh youre right