MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
I'm startingg to think this book is a cry for help
106: Bicycling Through Space and Time Mike Sirota
Tags:
The Year of Pain
Take a ride on the wild side!
Archive
HeyitsTom
someone tell Jack they have naked women on the internet now
Areze
i want to study him like a rat in a cage
but he might like it too much
gellaho
Gross
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
CRIMES
HeyitsTom
fair enough?
Areze
You're under arrest.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
I knew this was coming
Ever since he described his bikeshorts by brand
gellaho
Troubling
HeyitsTom
I reckon maybe you could find aunt emma and the space bunnies
Areze
Silk and Leather Hitler in a Turkish Jail
HeyitsTom
whoa wait up, I have a lot of questions about turkish jail
first one being "why is that in your maybe list, Jack"
gellaho
Jack decides to get high on wheat germ
Areze
use ergot instead you pansy
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
It increased Geometrically
Get it everyone?
Do you get it? He used the wrong math.
Areze
ill spread u geometrically
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
We should take a break to let everyone stop laughing
gellaho
This drug seems unpleasant
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Gellaho risking our lives with a comedy overdose
Areze
I'm scowling in absolute giddiness.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Ahahahahaha Mike you genius
Fuck you Douglas Adams you hack
gellaho
So, that ends and Jack looks for his next... amusement
He ignores all the porno theaters and is much more interested in torture and murder
Areze
Oh, hello Ed Gein.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Man's about to open up a hotel by the world fair
HeyitsTom
as someone who is kind of into true crime, I have to say very few true crime stories include a mass murder maze
gellaho
This Mike Sirota is a real card
HeyitsTom
yeah H.H. Holmes and that's about it
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Mazes are notoriously hard to build
HeyitsTom
so the book is now just point-by-point someone randomly eploring a maze?
gellaho
Encounters his first murderer
Areze
This shit is typed one-handed. I'm convinced.
gellaho
And easily escapes, Blogodox.
Thrilling.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
He hasn't used two hands since the boulder piss
gellaho
Yeah, you really showed John Wayne Gacy
gellaho
Comedy!
Areze
Ha. Ha ha.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
please Jack, please be murdered
gellaho
Then he looks straight at the next murderer's vag
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
The problem is Jack knows he has plot armor and it's made him insufferable
Areze
But you know that's how he cums; then how could you live with yourself with that knowledge.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
the bat lady said bat-shit
gellaho
Fuck off
HeyitsTom
even in this nadir of storytelling, he still manages to dig deeper by having the bat murderer say she went bat-shit crazy
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Oh he double dipped on that joke
gellaho
Well, better put some more real human tragedy in here
HeyitsTom
also do you think it was in poor form to include the real Gacy in this, when the book was published only about 13 years after Gacy's last kill?
oh what the fuck ever
Areze
That's probably why he did it.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
OH
This sure is a fun space adventure we are having
gellaho
What a great chapter
Areze
gellaho
But, do you know what this book really needs?
A Star Trek reference
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Five page sex scene so I get bingo?
The Badgers in the Discords
fucking christ, even I'm not as indulgent with the Trek references.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
As someone who has never watched star trek, I look forward to this
HeyitsTom
old trek was surprisingly horny sometimes
never THIS horny
but still
The Badgers in the Discords
a writers room full of dudes from the 50s will do that
HeyitsTom
even the 90s one
Areze
Or nowadays.
gellaho
But, before Jack can jack off, the kids run up and tell him the place is wired to blow
The Badgers in the Discords
this whole book is wired to blow.
gellaho
And the theme park has no security, because why not
HeyitsTom
the security force stays invisible by being other things
Areze
" I was getting wired to blow before the place was wired to blow!"
HeyitsTom
like, the security force pretends to be a bench?
gellaho
Mike thinks there haven't been nearly enough references yet
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Fuck you Mike
Areze
So this is what pain is.
gellaho
And they just happen upon the criminals
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
More. References.
Areze
This is Ready Player One but with more Sex Crimes?
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Also he spelled Sydney wrong
gellaho
So, what is the most wonderful attraction of the future?
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
turksih prison hitler
Areze
Blowjob Toilet
gellaho
A Merry-Go-Round
gellaho
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
batman pinball
The Badgers in the Discords
more is doing so much heavy lifting for Mr. Cline
gellaho
So wacky
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
it's a metaphor
for how the simplest things can bring the most joy
and also Mike wants you to forget about all the pissing stuff
Areze
Cline seems more of a harmless nerd. This dude collects used panties and is on several watch lists.
gellaho
Mike's desire to reference has become untenable and inexplicable
The Badgers in the Discords
you say that now but he wrote a poem called "Nerd Porn Auteur" that I think is worth a second look
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
He better be looking at a Farside
The Badgers in the Discords
oh FUCK you, you don't have the right to invoke Larson like that
fucking piece of shit author
Areze
Badger bout to go full khorne
gellaho
Finds a space hamster
gellaho
Yet another crisis immediately avoided
The Badgers in the Discords
nah touch it, what could go wrong
gellaho
Get some Scooby-Doo in here, why not
GDC
So this guy's idea of humor is referencing other, better things?
gellaho
And Mike gets horny again
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
When did Mike stop being horny?
gellaho
And, wouldn't you know it, the guy who owns the theme park is related to Jack
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
"We remember you as an annoying piss freak, eight hundred years in the future!"
gellaho
I don't know what you are talking about
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Another fucking Cervantes reference
Mike really wants us all to know he read Don Quixote
Or, much more likely, he saw the musical
because everything he's referenced was in the musical
HeyitsTom
joke's on him, I'm so ignorant I missed the reference. He literally cannot impress me
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
The Golden Helmet of Mambrino is a bronze shaving basin that the titular character mistakes for a legendary magical helmet that I think is supposed to make him invincible
It was 1605 so that was hilarious
gellaho
Jack returns to the Ultimate Bike Path by riding off the roof of a Hilton and singing "Free Falling"
gellaho
gellaho
Comedy?
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Things! Happening!
HeyitsTom
I think Tom Petty was used as a comparison to one of the weird alien freaks in the first half
Mike is running low on references
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
It's a callback!
gellaho
Don't think Mike Sirota didn't explain each and every reference, I just skipped it
HeyitsTom
haha I guess I would have noticed that
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
IT'S NOT A HAT MIKE
IT'S CRITICALLY NOT A HAT THAT IS THE WHOLE JOKE
Brendan
I love when a story stops dead for no reason so the main character can learn nothing about himself.
HeyitsTom
can't stop if you never start
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Mike didn't get Don Quixote which is a 5,000 page collection of dick jokes and puns
gellaho
Onto the next adventure
Brendan
This has disturbing implications of either unseen skeet-removal bots in a universe otherwise devoid of droids, or some redshirt has to mop the holodeck.
The Badgers in the Discords
the exocomps did not fight so hard to have their sentience recognized just for you to marginalize petty officer Almond Basket the spoom janitor like this
gellaho
Or a hack writer who needs you to know how much he loves star trek
HeyitsTom
why would a checkerboard be depraved
gellaho
And guess what, it's a world he recognizes. Again.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Remember that line in Hitchhikers
The Badgers in the Discords
to get to the other side!
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't"
This whole book has been Mike trying to do that
HeyitsTom
don't do that. Don't make me remember good writing while we're doing this
gellaho
The Fourth World is where you get fourth meal
Brendan
Or...does it get absorbed? Is the holodeck fueled by human fluids?
gellaho
Oh, good, Mike is just straight up stealing ideas now while saying who he's stealing from
gellaho
That is a bold move
Brendan
Jack Miller: Bike Pervert WILL return in...The Spoke-Lords of the Tandem Dimension!
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Jack Miller does return and that's a problem we will all face eventually
The Badgers in the Discords
oh my god he's fucking brought the narrative to a screeching halt to whiteguysplain about the Dine.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
I forgot how 90s bad this book was
Time for magical native americans
HeyitsTom
I just can't believe this was published in this state
gellaho
Does he spend a long time pointlessly explaining the four worlds? Of course!
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
I'm so close to bingo right now
The Badgers in the Discords
it's like if TVTropes wrote a novel.
gellaho
You could publish anything in paperback between 1940 and the year 2000
HeyitsTom
"he writes these wonderful mysteries about either of two cops (sometimes both together) who work for..."
you don't have to use your first draft
GDC
I read paragraphs like these and start to understand why javo hates world building.
gellaho
Wait, let's get another Nazi reference in here
Brendan
He didn't even seed it. He just got to the coyote and was like by the way, I know all about this shit.
All he had to do was listen while the coyote explained to him.
The Badgers in the Discords
when have we known a white man to shut up and listen
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
The fuck's a mamser
GDC
I hardly know 'er
HeyitsTom
I assumed it was one of those words jewish comedians say that I don't understand
Brendan
"I'm so into this fascinating lore, let me gloss over it for you and smarmily handwave away all the WHYS I don't have answers to."
gellaho
Trickster gods love accurate exposition
The Badgers in the Discords
yeah it's gotta be appropriated yiddish
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Hey! That's better than every joke in this book combined!
gellaho
References!
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
oh that's fucked up
Brendan
I get it, research in the '90s is hard.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
man out here being a fucking tuunbaq
GDC
The first stretchy character that came to his mind was plastic man?
gellaho
Time for the entire Navajo creation myth
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
And next a vision quest, Jack, to show you how special you are
gellaho
It's a beautiful story, especially the part where the insects listen to them fuck
The Badgers in the Discords
"This is the mythology of Creation"
"Pfffft, uh, yeahhh, I knew that alreadyyyy! 🤓 🤓 🤓 "
GDC
I can't help hearing coyote speaking in johnny Cash's voice.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Well now I hear it too
HeyitsTom
so because of the premise of this book, this sequence could have been anything
literally anything
why is it this?
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Because it was the 90s
and native americans were more magic than anything before or since
HeyitsTom
but why do they have to be hatefucking while the insects listen in?
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Because it was the 90s and Mike didn't have tinder to keep him company
HeyitsTom
is that specified in the myth?
gellaho
This goes on for a while, so here's some things out of context
gellaho
gellaho
gellaho
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Fuck yes five page sex scene
Double bingo
gellaho
It was more that one sentence, but sure
Off to the next adventure, with a repeated reference
gellaho
(The title is a lie, there are a few chapters after this)
The Badgers in the Discords
arg arg arg arg arg
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
It's a sci-fi comedy epic, of course it needs several epilogues
Just think of all that's happened
gellaho
MORE REFERENCES
gellaho
MORE! REFERENCES!
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
This is slow braindeath
gellaho
Jack finally overcomes his fear of Bart Simpson
HeyitsTom
not much else to say, is there
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Mike smells toast
gellaho
Hey, guess what?
HeyitsTom
hey maybe if this shape is supposed to be scary, just don't use Bart Simpson as a reference
gellaho
Star Trek was a thing that existed
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
I've learned almost everything I know about star trek from this book
The Badgers in the Discords
The black void was called outer space you fucking dickhead.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Can't go into space without a bike, duh
gellaho
Yes, when I think "dread," I think of Mr Rogers
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
"I was afraid of hyperventilating"
"Gosh wouldn't it be scary if I hypeventilated?"
The Badgers in the Discords
Oh fuck you, Mike. What kind of joyless douchenozzle shits on Mr. Rogers?
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Give him a break, his angst is in overdrive
gellaho
Now time for, let me count... six old timey music references
gellaho
HeyitsTom
summary bot thinks this is a sci-fi comedy epic
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
That's my bad
I mislead the robot
gellaho
And now presenting: Ghost Elvis
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
God damn it Elvis was on an early draft of the bingo card
I feel so foolish now
The Badgers in the Discords
Hey I've read this Stephen King story before.
HeyitsTom
oh yeah, that rings a bell
gellaho
Get another reference in there
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
No.
"I stumbled backward and would have jumped out of my skin, as the saying goes, were such a thing possible."
gellaho
The Bart Simpsons lead to the afterlife, obviously. I didn't even need to explain that to you
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
That sentence is a crime
HeyitsTom
I didn't even see that one. My eyes just rolled on by
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
It's so bad my eyes skipped it in self defense but I made myself go back
gellaho
Jesus Fucking Christ, Mike. Give it a rest
The Badgers in the Discords
I guess it makes sense. The Simpsons will never die, after all
HeyitsTom
hey so this whole poignant cosmic mystery vibe we're going for here, do you think it's slightly diminished by the fact that he already met God in the first half?
GDC
Was the ready player one guy this guy's apprentice or something?
HeyitsTom
and that God had a potty mouth and was named 'Ralph Ralph'?
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
The trick is to not think
It's like a magic eye painting
Just unfocus your mind and try to think through the story
gellaho
And also Harry Chapin wants to talk to him, for some reason
The Badgers in the Discords
I thought the trick was to not think about the story?
It seems to be what the author is doing currently.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
I'm pretty sure this whole book was just a first attempt at beat poetry
HeyitsTom
ha I do like that analogy
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
And none of you can do anything to prove me wrong
gellaho
And Harry Chapin means it's time to cry about dads
HeyitsTom
I was about to fuckin say
field of dreams and now the cat's in the cradle guy
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
He explains the entire song
HeyitsTom
it's about family, and that's what's so powerful about it
The Badgers in the Discords
Honest to god
I've never seen something so fucking pathetic
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
This might be longer than the wikipedia entry for that song
Oh actually almost
HeyitsTom
I think someone else used this last time, but hell
Brendan
The first Dineh people greet the sunrise then suddenly there's Jack heckling in his best Jerry Lewis impression.
gellaho
This is definitely a true story ™️
gellaho
It's a very funny book
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
He's ruining one of the most touching songs
He is hatefucking this song in public
HeyitsTom
still goin huh
The Badgers in the Discords
Here's a song about estranged family. Here's a fake story about that song about estranged family. Here's what I took from THE THING THAT NEVER HAPPENED.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
This is now longer than the wikipedia entry for that song
gellaho
Anyway, Harry leaves after saying almost nothing
The Badgers in the Discords
THE DEAD SINGER THANKS THE PROTAGONIST FOR LIKING HIS SONG.
gellaho
Then pranks him with a novelty song
The Badgers in the Discords
This is actually fucking masturbatory.
HeyitsTom
"You are the best there's ever been at liking my song"
gellaho
And now to revisit some references
Brendan
it's okay. He's spray and praying 70% of the pop landscape on a typical '90s prime time. You'll get there.
Brendan
This fucking Sirota puts down Nightmares & Dreamscapes and says to an empty room, "What if rock and roll heaven...WEREN'T secretly radio hell?"
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Please tell me we flashback and reminisce on our journey
HeyitsTom
a clip show episode in a book would be a new low
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
It would be the ultimate bingo
Brendan
So he gets two saves he'll never use because his nanny is keeping the training wheels up.
gellaho
And now, the land of Nixon potatoes
The Badgers in the Discords
Everyone in this channel right now should pick up a pen and start working on a manuscript after this finishes because we will never — NEVER — do worse than this.
Mike has set the bar in the fucking Marianas trench.
HeyitsTom
it's inspiring in a hatefuck kind of way isn't it
I've got a few half-finished drafts
gellaho
And Cracker Jack pebbles
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
I'm just going to steal this book
GDC
This is like looking at hoarder houses to feel better about your own filth.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Why would you eat them Jack
why
gellaho
Oh I've read worse
GDC
You've shown us worse. Not much, though.
gellaho
And another fat guy
Brendan
I know a guy who wrote a great book, and one of the best edits he made was deleting the parts telling you on every page what he was listening to while he was writing it.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
It's funny because he's fat!
Do you get it? He's fat and he wants food