109: Tom Swift #10: Mind Games Victor Appleton

FancyShark

The author's real name is Starscream

Velo Martingale

Oh so you want to be stuck to reality? Sounds lame.

gellaho

Bruce out here writing jokes

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Toms dad "cooks" by dialing up the local Chinese takeout place.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"it WOULD be super cool though..."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hey Tom! Tom! TOOOM! No. Its NOT a good idea.

FancyShark

Smash cut to the Terminator 2 opening

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

There are so many shows and books that would tell you its not a good idea, including the one you are currently in.

Velo Martingale

Tom can't read

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its a whole genre of anime, which Tom would definitely watch.

Tom Swift would look at Sword Art Online and go "Yeah but this for real."

Brendan!™

He hasn't even fixed the This Game Kills You problem.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"anime? that's for nerds and losers. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a submersible driller to simulate."

FancyShark

Tom would look at hypno porn and think "That's not a bad idea"

gellaho

This seems like a great setup for infinite ties

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also fuck off Bruce, give your Nebula Awards to Roger Zelazny.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Chef? I'm going to be working through the night. Please bring your hottest fish to the simulator"

Velo Martingale

God damn it Alan

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Sounds like Alan just sucks at D&D

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

your character's name was Dedstorm, Alan, and you couldn't kill 4 idiots?

Brendan!™

MMMOOOOOOO--wait a second.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

YOU HAD A DRONE ARMY ALAN

gellaho

OK, but what were their real names

Brendan!™

The name's Dedstorm, varlet! GARY Dedstorm

FancyShark

Bob's an actual wolf, but no one has noticed

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Probably Ed Greenwood, Gary Gygax.......

Brendan!™

Gygax the Invincible vs. Megatron the Electrocutioner!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Oh hey Dan Coster, he whos cousin Tom wants to sorta fuck.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

*check out the 3rd Tom Swift Adventure, Tom Swift Deforestation Disaster!

gellaho

What a paragraph

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its 1992, RPGs have been a thing for a while Bruce.

gellaho

Competitive D&D. You know, that thing that exists

FancyShark

hot damn, he invented a LAN party that can only play one game

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

award winning sci fi author

Velo Martingale

This feels like a thing that could be done with one computer but okay

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

thinks he invented computer games in 1992

gellaho

This is the world's worst spectator event

FancyShark

Also, one computer for four people? What is this, Nintendo 64?

gellaho

Or, you know, just a sheet of paper you hand off

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Some perverts do play it like that tho, Tomb of Horrors was originally for tournament play.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"beware, Tom SWift! You face your greatest foe: Oddjob!"

Velo Martingale

Wait so they say their moves out loud

sexdick jakesy

Busy visualizing the game in silence lol

Velo Martingale

And then the villain, who is in the room

Makes his move

Well that's easy

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the spectators were silent, busy visualising the game

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

This is literally just Fury of Dracula with computers, they arent even networked?

gellaho

Let's get second draft on these character names

FancyShark

No one will be seated in the final round of Imagine Something Is Happening

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

look to be absolutely fair, we did do Dungeons and Dang Ol Bigfeets with a bunch of extra people listening in

Velo Martingale

And it was fucking great

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

it was

gellaho

Gary Guantanamo: Turbo Dork

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

but it wasn't competitive so this is still dumb

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

So far Bruce is doing a great job of inventing real play RPG podcasts a decade ahead of time.

FancyShark

Oh, Gary's one of those kinds of players

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

going to your head like 2 million volts of electricity

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Gary is the kind of dude who CANT get laid at Gencon.

FancyShark

Like warm Jolt cola

Velo Martingale

"Gary I have a machine I'd like you to try. It's perfectly safe, I tested it on Alan earlier today."

"Alan who can't stop crying."

FancyShark

[pulls out a gun]

gellaho

Gary Guantanamo pushes up his glasses, certain of his powerful words and skill at... whatever this is

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its Fury of Dracula, a popular boardgame.

FancyShark

Tabletop Dead by Daylight with only one monster variant. You can see why it took the entire school by storm

gellaho

Apparently this is played in real time. No idea how that works

FancyShark

Typical Gary move

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

it's because Tom is playing. They know eventually he'll pull some sci fi shit and make the game real, and they'll have a chance to kill him

Velo Martingale

God damn you Gary. All this excitement is upsetting Alan.

Brendan!™

It's crazy how fast we went from 1979, a year in which there were no video games, to 1992, a year in which there were stupid, complicated ones.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

To be fair all these kids are turbo nerds and a girl who for some reason craves Toms dick, so this game is pretty sweet by their standards.

gellaho

Hmm, that sounds stolen from somewhere

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

there's something very funny about declaring that your energy wraiths and cyborgs were hiding in the bushes

gellaho

Oh, Jesus Christ. It's Harry Mudd

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh Rick's here everyone

FancyShark

oh goddammit

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I think Deneb is a real name for a star

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Well yeah Alan's brain is holding on by a thread so we need Rick to be Secondary Character Lad.

Velo Martingale

Oh. Good. Rick survived. That's great news. Great.

FancyShark

TBF, if Harry Mudd showed up, this would get a lot more interesting

Velo Martingale

God damn Alan and his threads

gellaho

So, the computer thing is superfluous then

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah deneb is the head of the northen cross constellation apparently

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Im more convinced that Bruce knows exactly what hes doing and this is his way of getting people interested in like Megatraveller or some other obscure sci fi RPG system.

Fuck you Bruce, this is literally just Roll20!

FancyShark

So you literally created

dammit scooped

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

But for LAN parties.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"I don't even see the matrix code anymore, I see blonde, redhead, brunette..."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Which..............yeah not a bad idea for 1992.

Its the kind of thing that would make games like Rifts playable.

gellaho

Really got the madlibs out for this weapon

gellaho

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the puzzle gun!

chief weapon of a z-tier spiderman villain

FancyShark

Alpha version of the Portal Gun

Velo Martingale

Tom. You're going to need to start strangling Gary.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"with my puzzle gun I'll make you 5 minutes late for your dinner with Mary jane, Spiderman! Nyaaaa!"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

You have to do a round of Pipe Dream to reload it.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Tom is exactly the kind of loser who would give his rpg character a fucking puzzle gun

gellaho

Playing this in real time makes it clear this is just 7 year olds playing pretend

Hampire

I'm sorry but the name Harry Mudd makes me think he's a uniquely disgusting porn star

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"my greatest weapon is my mind," Tom says as everyone else picks actual weapons

FancyShark

Hi, @Hampire !

Hampire

Howdy

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Mandy is currently thinking real hard about how much she wants to fuck Tom and whether its worth this shit.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

somehow Tom was able to dodge infinity attacks while performing puzzles on his puzzle gun. Meanwhile Rick, who specifically said that hsi character is strong against energy wraiths, is immediately killed by energy wraiths

FancyShark

You can just say "I dodge"? How the hell is anyone losing at this?

gellaho

This is so stupid

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

it helps if you single handedly fund the computer department of the school

Velo Martingale

IMAGINE HARDER TOM

Hampire

What book is this and why is it about the dumbest possible DnD campaign

FancyShark

Tom Swift: Mind Games

Brendan!™

This reminds me of my 2003 roommate who played exclusively Japanese import RPGs for PS2 and it was just like...if you only play turn-based games are they even technically video games?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I think the computer is handling the die rolls and bookkeeping.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

It's Tom Swift, and because it's Tom Swift

Hampire

Thankee kindly

gellaho

Sure, why not

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

seriously slampire it's a lot of fun, scroll back up to the top of the hour and read through

Velo Martingale

Gary typed "I steal the puzzle gun and summon another wraith."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its an energy wraith tho, so it wasnt even vapor before..........

You cant vaporize energy, Bruce.

Velo Martingale

Don't bring your science in here we're trying to kill Alan

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Alan is almost certainly going to be stuck in cyberspace later.

gellaho

How can I stuff fictional characters into a locker

Velo Martingale

Aren't we all

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I like how the whole team is useless except for Tom

Velo Martingale

"I keep firing until I hit all of them."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

also I like how the DM won't even let Rick speak while his character is unconscious

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

None of them are nerd enough, Rick is a kind of nerd jock hybrid, he doesnt know how to play.

Velo Martingale

I think we all want Rick to shut the fuck up

Hampire

This is glorious. I feel like I'm witnessing Nerdvana

gellaho

I can't believe someone wrote this down for other people to read

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Can a dwarf eat pizza while he's petrified? No? Then neither can you, Rick. Now sit there and pretend to be a rock"

Brendan!™

I love reading about people using a computer to play a tabletop game for them.

FancyShark

Move over, Fury Road

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Gary G. sure is good at this game.

Velo Martingale

I have no bits for this, it's just perfect

Hampire

Who is this author and how did they get such an in-depth understanding of bizarre DnD campaigns

Also I'm sorry it's played on a computer? Or tabletop? Or both?

Brendan!™

Maybe we could dial back a few clicks, and have one of the characters describing to their parents at dinner the gameplay they missed as relayed to them over the phone?

gellaho

Jesus Christ, Bruce, this is such a sad nerd fantasy

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I'm gonna hazard a wild guess at what this author was doing in high school

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hes a middle aged dude in 1992 who writes sci fi, he certainly knows from experience.

gellaho

Nobody named Mandy would be involved in this

Hampire

It all makes sense now

Velo Martingale

Her eyes have a definite trace of disappointment, but not because of the game

FancyShark

It's basically Roll20 with extra steps

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

You'd be surprised how being horny for someone can make you pretend to be interested in D&D.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Gary has nothing else in life

Velo Martingale

Alan's still alive

Hampire

Maybe a Debbie

FancyShark

If you can call that alive

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this victory is the only thing that staves off the dark thoughts

Velo Martingale

The rrest of the book will be taking that victory from him

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

you're right, this book DOES suck

gellaho

No, Bruce, the entire school did not watch your shitty D&D campaign and cheer at the end

Hampire

Win the game or embrace oblivion

Hampire

There is no possible universe where any spectators cheered in any way beyond sarcastic

gellaho

FancyShark

"And...and then...the hottest girls were all like 'Oh, Bruce, you're so-' I mean 'Gary, you're so cool! Let's make out!'"

Velo Martingale

Gary creamed. Everyone? Everyone. Gary creamed.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

you know that old Twilight Zone episode where the little boy has godlike powers and makes his family do whatever he wants?

Hampire

Outside of that one

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

well, Tom Swift is like if that kid was also Iron man

Hampire

That is the exception that proves the rule

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Gary, I am rich and a super genius, I can invent a machine to kick your ass across six dimensions."

gellaho

Remember, it is double-elimination. For some reason.

FancyShark

"My robots run on human blood, Gary. Enjoy your last night with your full-blooded family."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Hey Gary, remember that time I rewrote time itself? No, of course you dont, because you arent cool enough."

gellaho

The whole school my ass, Bruce

Hampire

How in the great glorious fuck do you make a DnD championship

How would that work

Please

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I guess this is more like Warhammer?

Hampire

That makes more sense

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its complicated, but tournament play is a thing.

Hampire

Ah

gellaho

Fuck me, this is embarrassing

FancyShark

This is one D&D encounter stuck on a loop

Hampire

I forgot about that

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Gary has suckled on the teat of power and it has changed him

Hampire

Why do I feel like I would be Gary

It's not a nice feeling

Velo Martingale

"I rule the fucking school." Gary said and took a hit from his inhaler. "You losers can't keep up with my Deathhawks."

Hampire

But I have threatened friends over Uno so

FancyShark

Bruce apparently invented Xbox chat

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Gary is just asking for Rick, who was once turned into an unstoppable fighting machine by Tom, to kick his ass.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

btw I love that Gary thinks he's single-handedly inventing social darwinism because he's pretty good at one game no one outide Nerd High has ever heard of

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Gary is also not getting invited to any game night ever again.

gellaho

We must defeat Gary Guantanamo, to defeat objectivism!

Brendan!™

Haven't most DMs just read Thus Spake Zarathustra for the first time? I thought that was required.

Tom Swift's Satanic Panic Trident

Velo Martingale

"Tom, you don't understand. My cousin is dumb as shit."

Hampire

Ayn Rand would rule at this game

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"what if gary really believes this stuff? And what if some idiot invented a machine that could zap your brain and alter your beliefs about reality?"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Tom, Dan is kind of what you'd call an impressionable moron."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"and what if that idiot also invented a simulation you could die in?"

FancyShark

Mandy, if Gary believes might makes right and he believes he's the mightiest, tell him to go to a boxing gym. He'll come back corrected or not at all

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"and what if that idiot ALSO put us all in that simulation?"

gellaho

Bruce describing a beach party like he ever went to one

Hampire

He's gonna come back with his own teeth up his ass

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

sorry if I just spoiled the plot gellaho

but I'm kind of a genius

Velo Martingale

Bruce may have been to a beach, but he's never heard drums.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Bruce describes drums like he's never heard of percussion instruments.

gellaho

"Hmm, yes, and the hot girl in the red bikini asks me about my D&D campaign," wrote Bruce

FancyShark

Bruce has only ever seen beach parties in 1960s movies

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

we really needed to explain how the guitarists were powering their amps?

Hampire

This has to be satire or parody or something

I refuse to accept this as a legitimate piece of literature

This has to have been written by a particularly nerdy moleman

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Again, Mandy just wants an excuse to talk to Tom and since she's not amazingly bright, this is the best she can do as a conversational gambit.

Velo Martingale

With little pedals they would pump with their feet

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the Book Cage has opened my mind to what was going on in all those insane sci fi books I never read

Hampire

Like I do Skyrim modding and this is too nerdy

Hampire

Who is this poor 13 year old with a receding hairline

gellaho

You don't say

Velo Martingale

I appreciate the dramatic highlight

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah maybe it was kind of dumb to set up a tournament with a game that's still in alpha

I guess we'll never know

gellaho

No, but what's his real name

Hampire

It isn't even fucking finished within the canon of this lunacy

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

haha yep

Hampire

Are you shitting me

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Ed Griffy is Ken Griffy Jr.'s uncle.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the book started with Tom Swift's new invention which is a vr simulation that can perfectly simulate anything you cna imagine, the only problem is it can make you forget you're in a simulation and also kill you

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He plays a regional variant of baseball nobody has ever heard of.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

if you wanted a cluie about where this is headed

Hampire

I feel like that was supposed to answer a question and it only raised more

Velo Martingale

The book started with us all deciding to kill Alan for very valid reasons

Hampire

So so many more questions

gellaho

So, the computer designed the circuits that allow it to not think like a computer? How?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Alan likes warm soda so he has to die

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its going to Tron these fuckin kids, but while its doing that going to play into the 90s RPG panic and do a Mazes and Monsters, which is a wild combo.

Hampire

I mean that is a reasonable cause for execution

How do you not understand the circuits you fucking designed

Brendan!™

Everything that is, is simply Megatron dreaming itself not Megatron.

FancyShark

"We don't know how they work, but we put them in the thing that can kill us anyway"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hey Tom, maybe dont let a computer design things if you dont fully understand how they work.

gellaho

It's also a computer, it can probably simulate this stupid game without your magic AI circuits, you asshole

Brendan!™

What you call God is merely a super AI learning to laugh at itself in the dark.

Velo Martingale

Yall are just afraid of living mas

Hampire

Computers can simulate entire worlds without Magic bullshit you hack fraud

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

wait wait wait... that's the Singularity

Velo Martingale

Embrace the computer magic

Hampire

Is this Roko's Basilisk

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

a computer that can design its own improvement is the capital S Singularity

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

To be fair, 1992 computers had a much harder time doing it with any fidelity.

Hampire

That's fair

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

it's the final invention

Hampire

I forget this was made in the 90s

But also

gellaho

This Bruce guy is getting to me in a way I haven't since first discovering Kathryn Johnson. It's good to feel alive

Hampire

Magic circuits

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its still stupid.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

guys you don't understand, Tom Swift just replaced humanity

Hampire

It's gloriously stupid and I will cherish it like a diamonds made of other diamonds

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

there is a new God now

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He does that every time.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

well that's true

Velo Martingale

And his name is Fuck You Alan

gellaho

Fun fact about Bruce's Wikipedia. It's a long list of awards. Then two books

gellaho

One of which is this

Hampire

"FUCK YOU ALAN!" clap, clap, clap clap clap

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the dead boy at your window? that's just the lost boys

Brendan!™

I'm going to peace out in a few to watch a burlesque show in a deconsecrated 18th century church. Probability of Taco Bell: seguro

Velo Martingale

Neither of those are the ones he got award for?

Hampire

That is the most rad thing I've ever read