109: Tom Swift #10: Mind Games Victor Appleton

gellaho

As far as I can tell, Tracy is nobody

Hampire

After that she defiled his coffin

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Too bad, because Tracy is having fun with this.

FancyShark

Good. Then she can blind the cyclops

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I liked the jokes we made in the last book that she was sending in disposable cleanup crews to deal with the black hole

oh tracy isn't the sISZTer?

who is tom's sister?

Hampire

That is easily the best thing that beloved character Tracy could do

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I remember when Tracy killed all 13 of the Clone Lords in single combat on the Stair of Regret.

Velo Martingale

Tomina Swift

gellaho

And I guess the two teams are playing two games separately at the same time

gellaho

This seems very stupid

Velo Martingale

I remember when Tracy was like "Hi my name is Tracy. I'm present!"

Good times

FancyShark

I remember when Tracy brought taquitos

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

how can the spectators visualise both games at once?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Chicken taquitos too!

Hampire

Everyone remembers when Tracy killed those people who were threatening her brother's bizarre inventions

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this is a schoolof very highly-evolved beings

Velo Martingale

And then

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Tom wastes alot of time visualizing this gun when he absolutely doesnt have to.

Velo Martingale

But at the same time

Obviously

Hampire

I feel like Bruce heard that DnD uses a lot of imagination and then went hog-fucking wild

gellaho

Gary's team blows up their cubes

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Just imagine, Bruce is basically inventing Esports.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah you would think you'd just know the 3 useful configurations

Velo Martingale

NO THE CUBES

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

or that a good weapon would be designed so that you don't have to take it apart every timne you use it

FancyShark

Tom has never heard of a metabuild

Hampire

I feel like this might be a terrible book written by an idiot

Velo Martingale

Wouldn't be a puzzle then would it?

Eerie Queen Mordred 👑

Is the climactic conflict of this book seriously a D&D game?

gellaho

Which causes a draw, which means Gary's team wins the double elimination, because this is a well designed game

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I feel like making it so you draw with Space Hitler is still a loss.

Hampire

It appears so because we are in the worst timeline

gellaho

Not just the climax

The whole thing

Velo Martingale

The climax of this book is when we finally kill Alan

FancyShark

lol

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

worse, it's manipulating the rules of a double elimination tournament to win by decision

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Gary out there ennumerating his barnyard fowl.

Hampire

I will make a necklace from Alan's bones and drink from his skull

FancyShark

I'm going to track Bruce down, lock him in a room, and force him to listen to every D&D story I have

gellaho

Then Tom completely loses touch with reality

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Because again, your unbeatable strategy seems to be "Lots of wraiths, keep them from teamworking"

Hampire

I know very little about DnD and I know more than Bruce

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

UGHHHHHHH

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Third award winning novel in the works by Bruce.

Velo Martingale

Oh shit Tom's having a psychotic break

everyone run

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Gary, your strategies are powerless in the face of IMAGINATION"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Normal for Tom.

gellaho

Then he destroys one of their cubes

FancyShark

Tom wins the game, then the simulation ends. Then he wins the game. Then the simulation ends. Ad infinitum.

gellaho

Les and his father realize their game sucks, while Gary and Tom ignore them

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

in the season 5 finale of red dwarf, the crew all die on a space adventure and wake up in vr booths, revealing that the last 5 years of their lives were a video game and they're all losers with no lives'

Eerie Queen Mordred 👑

He's simceptioned

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Bruce, if you are going to do what I think youre doing..........twist your dick around and fuck yourself.

FancyShark

Tom sets the gun to Kill and fires an entire Jenga tower at Gary

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

but it turns out it was a hallucination created by a giant squid that induces despair

just thinking about a more fun story

gellaho

Then Tom goes back into his delusion

FancyShark

hahaha, Gary desperately trying to keep them from patching the game and nerfing his strategy

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Gary using the masterful "Zergling rush" strategy.

Velo Martingale

Oh so Rick CAN be useful

gellaho

Yeah, he's lost his mind

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Citation needed

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

If this was a hotdog eating contest Rick would really be in his element.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Tom Swift is going full Elfstar

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Tom is going to outnerd Gary.

Velo Martingale

Tom's strategy, Tom's master plan, is to tell Gary to shut the fuck up

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"GARY I SMITE YOU WITH THE POWER OF SATAN!"

"What the fuck are you..........AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE THE FIRE!"

gellaho

Tom Swift taunts Gary Guantanamo into using his energy to taunt Tom

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I don't get how Tom destroying one of the cubes in his game changed anything

Velo Martingale

Oh my god I'm actually right

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

but I suppose knowing that won't actually help anything

Velo Martingale

That's dumb. Me, an idiot mocking this book, figured out the master strategy

gellaho

Jesus Christ, this game sucks

FancyShark

Please be a box and stick

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"You dont get to learn , No Bitches Gary. Thats your new name now."

gellaho

Fuck off, Bruce, nobody is watching this

Velo Martingale

Please just be a stick with wire wrapped around it like a baseball bat with a chain

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the note just says "fuck gary lol"

gellaho

I'd believe a crowd for a Candyland tournament over this

Velo Martingale

It's just dickbutt on a napkin

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I mean it's definitely a bluff right

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Maybe if this was at a gaming convention id buy it.

FancyShark

Bruce saw a national chess tournament and thought every game got that level of attention

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

At a high school? No. Never.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the master strategy is to get gary to waste all his energy and he's going to fall for it

gellaho

Why are you putting up with this shit, Rick?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

that does seem like s strange thing for a giant blue alien to say, Bruce

thanks for pointing it out

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Gary is going to play this off with "I was just roleplaying."

gellaho

You were a murderous football playing caveman in the last book, Rick. Come on

FancyShark

If your only strategy is "attrition", you're not a genius, Swift

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Rick really should be more wary of Tom when he has a plan.

gellaho

Jesus Christ

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"I fearlessly sent wave after wave of my own men..."

gellaho

Bruce, you... ugh

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Alan you are such a megadork, Tom has brain damage.

FancyShark

No, Alan. Tom is having a seizure.

Velo Martingale

SHUT THE FUCK UP ALAN WE SHOULD BE DRINKING YOUR MARROW RIGHT NOW

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

to Alan that's what brains are like now

gellaho

Bet he was pumping his fist at writing that

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

and he doesn't remember the before times

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Alan is falling into a fugue state and imagining he is doing undersea drilling when he drives to McDonalds.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Alan looks into the mirror and sees a stranger

gellaho

They kill the stupid bird

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Yeah Gary, its called being inventive, you suck at D&D nerd ass rules lawyer.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

everyone ignored Rick, as is tradition

gellaho

Take this however you want: in the air; in his pants. Both are valid

Velo Martingale

"Time for a snack!" Rick said. "Let's celebrate."

Everyone ignored him

FancyShark

Rick's metabolism is eating him alive, you monsters. Give him a sandwich!

Velo Martingale

That's funnier than anything I can write to mock it

Eerie Queen Mordred 👑

Who is this guy, L from Death Note?

gellaho

Riveting

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

is there any explanation for why that was the only way to kill the hawk?

gellaho

I'm not even clear what happened

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I guess the device acted as a lightning rod

Velo Martingale

Oh shit I get it

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

but I don't know why the lightning agreed to happen at that moment

FancyShark

This entire narrative has been the ravings of a boring lunatic

Velo Martingale

They tossed a copper wire on the hawk and then zapped it with electricity, which is something Tom learned from his horrible VR setup

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

but electricity from where though

Velo Martingale

I'm not even joking, Tom's inspiration for this move was Alan's brain damage

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

and why couldn't Tom just shoot the hawk with his gun

gellaho

Seems like a really bad game when you're dependent on one player

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

SAve energy.

You have to conserve puzzle energy.

Velo Martingale

I'm not saying it's a good plan or makes sense, I'm just saying I see where the writer was going with this

And it's a stupid place

Eerie Queen Mordred 👑

Chuck the gun at Gitmo's head

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

which he failed to do anyway because he's at 1%. master tactician playing the game of champions

FancyShark

Pistol whipping has to be a bonus action at most

gellaho

Fantastic stuff

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"that's it!" Tom shouted. "I'll change the rules so I win!"

Eerie Queen Mordred 👑

Make lightning hit the gun. Charge its battery. I know it shouldn't work but who cares.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

lol Tom is rich, this is a standard kind of thing for rich people.

Velo Martingale

[Baba O'Riley starts playing as Tom gets inspired]

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

also I hate this clunky dialogue to bring up recycling, so Tom can have his "other-character-you're-a-genius!" epiphany

gellaho

Would you believe the other novel Bruce wrote was a Magic novel? Which is a thing, apparently

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

HAH! I KNEW IT!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I read a magic book once

it sucked

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I knew I vaguely recognized that title.

FancyShark

Oh hell yeah. @John did a readalong of a Magic novel a while back

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

there was this whole thing with an unkillable giant death worm, and this guy just walked along its back cutting it open for like hours

gellaho

Tom Swift laughs while handling a footlong

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I've never read one because novels about lore from a card game that mostly connects via a tweets worth of flavor text is a bit too much for me.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

correct impulse

FancyShark

NOTHING YOU HAVE DONE WITH THE GUN FOLLOWS LOGIC

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

what the hell is he talking about

nothing in existing science operates on logic?

John

Oh shit, I actually own that book too

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Lol Tom is going to Appeal To DM To Let Him Do Some Shit.

FancyShark

Bruce thinks if he uses words that scare him, people won't ask probing questions

gellaho

Well, guess what

You get a whole page

FancyShark

Fucking what?

gellaho

Because I don't know what else to do

FancyShark

A ray you can manipulate like a rope?

Fuck you, Bruce

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

meanwhile the other characters can do plant magic and kicking

Velo Martingale

Lol

gellaho

Whatever

Velo Martingale

I was joking but seriously

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Tom somehow managed to become the Mary Sue in a game he didn't design

Velo Martingale

https://youtu.be/x2KRpRMSu4g

Listen to this and read that

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hempel should laugh, and say "Nice try Tom. Very imaginative. It explodes, because it wasnt meant to do that."

FancyShark

Wasn't the gun already shooting wraiths and killing them?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"there's nothing in the rulebook that says Tom Swift can't change the rules so that he always wins"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Yeah but now its sucking them off.

FancyShark

You can't have the big reveal be that it does the same fucking thing

Velo Martingale

Yes Bruce can

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hahahah Hempel didnt account for reversing the polarity.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I think the difference is it's recycling the energy so the gun will never die

Velo Martingale

Bruce can do anything

gellaho

And Gary petulantly runs away, completing the nerd Bingo

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Lol No Bitches Gary at it again.

Velo Martingale

LOL

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

hahaha fucking gary

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Like dude you dont have like a robot army or something?

gellaho

I mean, I think his team should still win

FancyShark

Gary would go on to a long, illustrious career as parasite on internet forums

Velo Martingale

Annoy the villain into leaving!

gellaho

Because they have two wins, a tie and a loss

They should still win

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Nope, Gary has No Bitches and automatically loses. TOM SWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFT!

Velo Martingale

I was wondering if that obvious foreshadowing was going to pay off

Usually it doesn't

Hampire

Hot take: Gary should've won

gellaho

So, Dan learns his lesson about band construction. Which I guess was the moral of the story?

Velo Martingale

Nice hot take, Gary

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

IT would have been very funny if Toms idea just crashed the computer instead, like what normally happens when you do shit like that.

Hampire

Now I am become Gary, loser of bitches

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Fair dues tho, the puzzle gun would make a pretty cool FPS weapon.

gellaho

Hey, Bruce? You're writing this for children, they don't share your same passion for tabletop game design

FancyShark

They made something like that in one of the Ratchet & Clank games where you could customize the different components to create different projectiles. It whipped ass

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And Mr. Hempel needs to do better at his paper prototyping, this kind of result being unexpected is pretty bad.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I was wrong earlier, I said Tom would learn the power of teamwork

of course Tom learned the power of Tom

Velo Martingale

Tom learned the power of delusions

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And I think the kind of child who read Tom Swift is 100% the kind of kid who would be interested in basic game design lessons.

Velo Martingale

And now it's time to celebrate by stabbing Alan in the neck!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

that's true

FancyShark

So Tom won because the game was unbalanced. Thanks, Bruce

gellaho

Yeah, but that's not what this was. It was seven abstract concepts shoved into a nozzle that somehow constituted a logic puzzle

FancyShark

If you label something logical, it obviously follows logic

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ok so they won the tournament, was that the plot of this book or is something else going to happen?

FancyShark

Plot?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the last Swift book had so much going on

Hampire

This was a plot in the same way a clown eating itself is a comedy act

gellaho

Tom's seizure invents something

Hampire

Technically, but also not

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh yeah the ticking clock on removing the fuzzy logic circuits, how could I forget

FancyShark

"I'll give the robot hands! Hands that can strangle and hold a weapon!"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Yeah great idea Tom, give your insane amoral AI a physical body.

Velo Martingale

Tom traps a super computer inside a stupid broken board game

gellaho

Tom Swift's security system is once again proven useless

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"eyes that can watch the blood flow! Ears that can savor the screams!"

Velo Martingale

ahahahahaha

They ditched Mr Hempel

FancyShark

"A tongue that can taste the fear!"

gellaho

Yes, that's how circuits work

Velo Martingale

"Does that mean I get credited and paid for my invention?"

"No! Fuck you!"

FancyShark

ew

gellaho

I think Bruce thinks the circuits are what does the computing

FancyShark

I disagree, but only with the part about Bruce thinking

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I think Bruce doesnt really know what a computer is.

Even for a dude in 1992

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"i've been so lonely since the divorce - oh ok bye Tom"

gellaho

Don't really see how any of that helps

Velo Martingale

"Please take my son with you, all his friends have left and- oh ok."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The real question is..........Can Megatron run Doom?

gellaho

Fair

Velo Martingale

"Well Les, I guess we'll go home and cry together tonight."

gellaho

It can't run Galaxy Master, so no

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Waste of a build.

gellaho

Then Mandy kisses him for no reason

FancyShark

Yes, because no nervous system ever has any blips or other errors

gellaho

The end

Hampire

That feels more like a challenge to Tom Swift to make fully autonomous fuck-machines

FancyShark

Tom immediately begins work on a Megatron mouth

gellaho

Next time:

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"haha sure," Tom said, eyeying his 400gb "homework" folder

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Oh right, well for now. My Fuck O Tron 6900 will be complete next month."

Velo Martingale

Okay fine they threw Alan from the car on the way there

FancyShark

hahahahaha

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

sounds like many are correct, Tom

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Tom really is just a super villain with good PR.

gellaho

We have defeated Tom Swift #10: Mind Games

FancyShark

We did it!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

With reverse logiced puzzle guns.

Velo Martingale

No, Tom reversed the book and defeated us.

FancyShark

That was a fresh kind of terrible. Thank you, @gellaho !

gellaho

The good news for you is that it appears that Bruce never wrote any other actual novels except that Magic book

Velo Martingale

Thank you and curses, @gellaho !

FancyShark

Great riffing, everyone!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah that was hot garbage, cheers @gellaho

Hampire

I have read things that can never be unread. Thank you

Velo Martingale

But what about all the awards?

gellaho

Short stories, I guess

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Imagine if they were all for that Magic novel.

Thanks @gellaho , this continues to be the best use of my Friday evenings.

gellaho

So concludes Episode 109 of The Book Cage

gellaho

May you never... do this. Don't write books about your D&D campaigns

I don't have anything else, I just found this extremely irritating

FancyShark

Thank you for suffering to bring us laughter, gellaho. Have a great night, everyone!