#5 Time Wars
The Book Cage: Episode 110 - Time Wars #5: The Nautilus Sanction
The time commandos are back, and in this adventure, Simon Hawke is off the leash. Put Jules Verne in there. Oh, also a pirate they met as a child murderer in revolutionary France. And nuclear weapons. Along with various other insane sci-fi concepts. Climb aboard and sanction the Nautilus, this Friday 5pm Eastern.
Hawke! Hawke! HAWKE!
Coming up at the top of the hour, it's Simon Hawke's Time Wars #5: The Nautilus Sanction. Here is your preview
"The flattened top portion of the deck" is what happens when you remember what word you should have used midway into a sentence but haven't nipped down to the store for WiteOut yet
Woooo books
Hi Shark!
Hi, @Velo Martingale !
books books books books books (continues chanting)
Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave !
Hi Tom!
Gimme like two minutes
books books BOOKS BOOKS
Dos minuets. Can do
Also, hi, @gellaho !
CEO asked me to do something at 430 on a Friday, cool stuff
bleagh. Rude
ew
Anyway, time to begin the process
BOOK
Very mysterious
odd
Dr. Darkness is his accountant
His Christian name, oddly enough. Doctor Rupert Darkness. Takes all kinds
Hi, @Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』) !
Hi Shark!
Of course, the seven page timeline we'll skip
Admiral Lord Hood
Weirdly, also his Christian name.
That is the most succinct "because I said so, reader" I've ever seen
Hi, @Eerie Queen Mordred 👑 !
His rank is Captain
Hubs is ordering pizza because I'm illin like a villain so I get to peek in for a bit 🤘
He's working up to it
Sirens.
Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is a human number
Cut to a seahorse with a tiny hammer
oh we're doing 40 000 leagues under the sea, right?
The way I hear it, the Covenant was destroyed mostly by Ridley Scott.
Warhammer 40k Leagues Under the Sea
Admiral Lord Hood already defeated the Covenant in Halo 2
we got all the references here
Meanwhile, in the future
Hmmmm... I think the solution to this mystery is going to be time travel.
Love when authors don't use line breaks to signal a change of scene or time period
"Rabble rabble rhubarb rabble"
Fire burn and cauldron babble
Lucas Priest has a sick robot eye and eyepatch after melting half his face
Weirdly he wears the patch over the new eye.
Why doesn't everyone get bionic eyes if they're superior?
Absolute coward getting his metly face fixed
so all his injuries are cosmetic?
They call him The Recalcitrant Fist
Fucking Lasik prices, man
he opted in for the Punished Lucas appearance?
We'll be ignoring the psychological injuries
The robot eye gives him a headache
Redhead
Also ✅ Redhead, yes
There are other hair colors in Ireland, Simon
Prove it
Will he get to hero in this book, or is someone else taking the reins again?
Asking this like the brick shithouse French lady knight shouldn't have been the protagonist from the start of the series
Sick neg, Simon
Oh yeah her! I thought she melted
Hold on. Didn't he give that exact paragraph in the last book?
I think so
definitely the 'biologically vs chronologically' came up a few times
Look, Simon has a couple of types
"She was not pretty"
Beg to fucking differ, Simon
I mean, he's definitely into it
I don't blame him
He did the same thing with the milf sorceress in the wizard series
It was Donald Duck
"her breasts, though small, received a height advantage which made them worth remarking on"
The far superior mascot character
I just wanna point out that the simple fact that one of the time cops is a lady warranted as much physical description as the guy who half melted last adventure
Ah, they only lost five thousand time machines
We don't care about Ol Melty too much
A lady who can kill almost anything she encounters and who has more personality than half the cast
The Lucas half
Nysteel to the shoulder too
Hi, @sexdick jakesy !
We lost five thousand time machines tomorrow. But don't worry, I have it on good authority they'll be back by yesterday.
Aw yeah. Warp dicks
Cosmic white gushers
Oh behave
erg
Looks like Hawke read some Hawking
Some. Not nearly enough
Bradbury name drop 🥃
It's as easy as nuking Orion
Instant holocaust, just pull pin
Simon, it kind of seems like you've just rendered all other weapons obsolete
Yeah smart grenades with perfectly sized explosions will do that
also I like that they finally fixed this technology one day after lucas used it
Why you'd need such a thing is unknown
It's explicitly to put U-haul out of business
Of course time travel would be weaponized.
Fuck you U-Haul
Somebody done time stole a commie submersible
now I cna only think of the time machines being used on national monuments
What could possibly go wrong
"We will disappear one national monument per hour until you wire us" pause for Dr. Evil pinkie "One million dollars!"
The Hunt for Red October After Next
they don't have any future tech for detecting submarines?
Well we have grenades more powerful than that submarine's entire payload
The Hunt for Red Shift October
There we go
His time-cover is that he's a double agent? Alright.
The only reason we're going on this adventure is Lucas' brain also melted just a little bit
How long until Hawke writes Sean Connery into this
Best way to get a commie to trust you is to pretend to be a traitor from the nation they hate the most
If he does, it better be The Spaniard
We're going double triple agent on this one
I was gonna say
My sail is like a shark's fin
Hawke has done amazing things with sharks before. I trust him
oh the bit on top of a submarine is called a sail
Granted, those same things were also stupid. But that's part of the fun
I'm learnding
Over several hundred years, many ships get nuked
Including the Helvetica
Fuck yes time submarine
Operation Sans Serif
Maybe all those Cthulhian things are time-traveling vehicles
Our only option is to find actual human Jules Verne, who looks weirdly like Brockway in a wig, and borrow his submarine
Meanwhile, in the time sub, Simon Hawke (Nikolas Yermakov) revels in his Russian heritage
Russians playing chess? Why is that not on the bingo card?
Excuse me, the not-yet-a-time-sub
That's why the gas company adds the odor of rotten eggs to the gasline so this doesn't happen
I wonder who this could be
Faulkner
I made a Hawke bingo card but it just came out with every square saying 'plasteel' and 'nysteel' alternating
It'll get more variety as you read more of his works
Free space will be lips
Lips and redhead definitely go on there but for these i think the freespace will just say TIME in the biggest letters I can fit
Just throw up your hands and put the actual authors in there
Are we about to say real man Jules Verne owns fictional submarine The Nautilus
@Brendan!™ , we're Hawkeing in here!
Jules Verne considers the possibility of a gigantic narwhal
"Sir, will you please just tell us your favorite Spice Girl so we can wrap this up?"
oh so we're going to inspire the book with this adventure
Very well reasoned
And fictional Jules Verne artfully tells a reporter to eat shit
these time terrorists suck you could blow up HMS Victory on October 21, 1805 and change all of history
No one take that idea to do time based terrorism
Honor system
Then a long list of historic submarines, including the real world Nautilus. Which isn't confusing at all
Hell yeah.
Hi, @Flippant Sausage, rebunned !
A submarine? Impossible!
To be fair, if Napoleon did steal a sub design, it would have probably helped people who didnt like Napoleon since early subs were death traps
Sounds riveting
"what, some sort of submerged marine vessel? Preposterous! Wait a minute..."
Day 1: I'm up so high!
Day 2: This is so cool!
---
Day 24: Fuck that cloud
"Day 31, took a shit over the side. Again."
Day 40: I fucked a sky mermaid
By day five you're trying to drop bombs on local peasants.
"Day 41, dethroned Zeus and annointed myself King of the Skies."
He meets his peers on this voyage. They must have worked hard on these covers
OK, but what's your real name
A man whose very name speaks through its nose
"And a Mr. Wilbur Whateley, from Massachusetts."
Whenever I read "Royal (science word here) Society" I think "Oh someone is getting their shit stolen."
Our three heroes, sitting in the background, smiling
Getting their own live rendition of Dead Poets Society
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen this whole thing
Andre can only be improved by gaining the power to transform into a cloud of bats.
Then Jules Verne and this Canadian have a very long conversation about how big animals could be
Not until at least book 8
"The devil!" said Land.
Again, Hawke did some reading and you're going to hear about it
Oh I know some people who's submarine they can borrow for this
Hahaha wait he's literally positing that Ned Land the fictional character was real.
Wakka wakka
Like, I expected him to do that with Nemo, but not for the whole book.
Hawke don't give a fuuuuuuck
It's also what he's done this entire series
Dun dun dun
It's a Christmas miracle!
My phone autocorrects to "dun colored," truly unfortunate
Out here being Stress Patterned
"He has robot legs now. No further questions."
Oops
"Yeah of course he did. He found them last month, however."
Youd think theyd gave done even a little research.
They're time traveller's, not nerds
Those scientists, always hating reporters
Lucas, you're overthinking this
Now we embark on our new adventure, saving Phillip Martinson's legs at the Battle of Shiloh to prevent this awkward conversation
Lucas, its a bunch of word nerds, what are they gonna do?
Especially when they're supposed to get that information downloaded into their brains before they leave
More than half of all fiction involves a reporter tagging along on an adventure because "what a story"
Yes, sure they do, Simon
He's going to pretend to be an undercover journalist?
My head hurts now
Lol
he's going to pretend to be a journalist who is pretending not to be a journalist
The rare cover story quadruple-bluff
Presumably so when he screws up and blows his cover, he'll have a backup story
Lucasbot, engage
"writers are very clever, and their penises tend to be large and handsome"
Can't wait until George RR shows up in this series
isn't andre kind of aromantic? isn't that her whole deal?
If you could convince Simon to write one now, that could happen
He did write that Wizard sequel
What does her smell have to do with it?
Wakka wakka
🏌️♂️
Lucas trying to sweet talk her
Colt baby Patterson
"We call it that because its a literal gun for babies."
Quick throw the grenades in there!
Gentlemen and Andre we have no choice. We have to kill Jules Verne.
Luckily Jules Verne has mastered lockpicking
Told you
Quick shoot him while his skull is vulnerable
oh I get it
Stab him to death and replace him with a future double.
simon hawke loves jules verne and wants to kiss him
Don't we all
He's also a supergenius
Ehhhhhh..........would.
Like i said. Weirdly like Brockway twenty years from now wearing a wig
is he deducing plastic right now?
Verne breaking out his own negs
Andre immediately cuts him in half
Quick shoot him, shoot the novelist
Hey Jules? Fuck you, you think a university professor in the 1800s couldnt be swole?
"ah but you see, I write books."
Jules "Sherlock" Verne
Who will also not show up until Book 8
There's a lot going on in book 8
Is Moriarty in book 8
Jules "Simon Thought He Was Arther Conan Doyle" Verne
It would be really funny if all this just convinced them that Jules Verne knows too much and they execute him while hes doing his smug little party trick.
I'm fine with jules verne being a smart guy, but if arthur conan "these are real fairies and I will stake my reputation on it" doyle is presented as a real life genius I'll be disappointed
Jules Verne's super-vision was not well documented
"stop him" "HOW"
Again, Book 8
try punches and then work your way up, dude
Jules there are a lot of spanish and italian names in Ireland
Simon really Stephen Kinging it in this one.
Especially along the north coast of Ireland where the armada crashed
Liiiiipps
.... you don't think... ?
No follow up questions
No, I don't think. I know.
Seasick action!
Wait for him to decide you're fuckin mole people or something, science fiction writers from the 19th century were way worse at guessing the future.
Damn. Alright, scarper the mission. Drown the writer. Burn the witnesses.
We're going to have to burn all of Paris down to hide the evidence
Finn and Ned get sweaty together
god for one horrible second I thought that was also jules verne beating the strong guy at arm wrestling
Jules Verne is a man of many talents
Until Andre murders a man, then Ned switches to her
You need a surprisingly very small amount of find and replace to change this from arm wrestling to a romantic encounter.
A swiss army knife of a man
He would make a great gift
Don't work, Land. That's normal
And to be fair if I saw a woman KO a sailor in one punch I would simp like a motherfucker too.
Now he's a Land Ho
This conversation doesn't really make sense considering Andre kept her gender secret for most of her life and is still a virgin, but let's go with it
I thought a couple books back she got laid when she won a bet and purchased the services of a sex worker on Finn's dime?
Looks like Simon forgot
She only pretended to do that
the entire rest of this book is Andre having 'practice sex' with Jules Verne while Land watches, and then it ends with 'and then they found the submarine the end'
She talked to the male prostitute and asked about how much he gets paid, then considered switching professions