110: Time Wars #5: The Nautilus Sanction Simon Hawke

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Portugal is just Guns Spain, right?" -Simon Hawke.

FancyShark

After this, Drakov is going to show them his Pokemon collection

gellaho

Largo is a great Spanish word. Because it means "long" not "large"

GDC's Quivering Thews

In Spain, that character in pee wee's big adventure is long marge

gellaho

They learn Drakov has a listening device on them. Verne finds it in their pants

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"{La Floridana translates to "The Florida" and its packed with meth! I'll destroy the future with meth!"

Velo Martingale

they're about to recreate the plot of another famous sea novel

They're going to Golden Ocean this

also shoot Verne

The sound will distract the guards

gellaho

Drakov gets very mad about people fighting for independence and shoots torpedoes at the nearest ship he sees

gellaho

His tubes are flooded

FancyShark

Drakov somehow skips the establishing wars and goes right to Vietnam

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"war sucks. War rules"

gellaho

Hemosponge

Velo Martingale

Oh shit we're doing a speargun fight

gellaho

Simon also keeps using the word "wardroom," which throws me off every time

Velo Martingale

Wait wasn't there a speargun fight in the last book?

FancyShark

All the pulse pounding action of an underwater fight, now in text?!

Velo Martingale

Suck it, Ian Flemming

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I wonder if we're doing a giant squid battle in this

seems like it would be one-sided, against future tech

gellaho

Drakov is very impressed by the brainless animals multiplying

FancyShark

He stares at the coral for several minutes before nuking it because it grows too slowly

gellaho

Universally Tenacious was the name of my third metal album

gellaho

It was not well received

FancyShark

It did showcase your dedication though

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I blame people mistaking it for a Tenacious D album.

gellaho

Shipworm

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I remember my sister and I were really scared of the underwater levels in tomb raider 2. One time a moray eel jumped out and bit her and she screamed

FancyShark

That's an ugly stereotype. Sharks aren't actually attracted to blood. They just want to make sure everyone's okay.

gellaho

I should have tried to distance myself after Post-Apacolypto

Which was turrible

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

blood makes you horny, admit it

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Sharks are the Saint Bernards of the sea, all you have to do is not look or act like a seal.

FancyShark

Until the lawsuit with the meat counter concludes, I can't speak to that

gellaho

Steal yourself for excitement

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I learned what pieces of eight were from Monkey Island.

gellaho

Turn away @FancyShark

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

hang on, so they're all in future suits to be underwater right now, right?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Aww.

gellaho

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

and they brought Land along?

FancyShark

hahahaha

Velo Martingale

How many tall men long was the shark?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hahahahah they can teleport so why do they even need a sub?

FancyShark

I love that the sharks were just waiting right outside

Velo Martingale

Sharks were trying to open the hatch with their fins

FancyShark

:sharkwave:

:sharkwave:

Dammit, it's locked

gellaho

Hey, you guys remember that kid who used eighty pistols to snipe a man? He's back!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"And he was a real shithead."

FancyShark

Drakov giving his prisoners the Magic Schoolbus tour of the 1800s

gellaho

Try to pronounce "Pribilofs"

FancyShark

pry by loffs

pribbilloffs

Pribblybofs

GDC's Quivering Thews

Pribble-off

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

wait a second

gellaho

Very progressive

Velo Martingale

Easy. Pribilofs

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

luffing?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

gellaho

Europeans and Scandinavians?

So bold

FancyShark

Such a melting pot

Velo Martingale

Drakov is the main character now

GDC's Quivering Thews

And Spaniards!

gellaho

Hey guess what

gellaho

Triple secret, Underground time member Martingale

gellaho

And guess what else? Quadruple secret mysterious doctor

FancyShark

If he actually brings in Doctor Who, I'll be impressed

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

there's no time to explain the mission, or what you're supposed to do or anything

FancyShark

Good luck and don't fail us

gellaho

Sick lines from Lucas

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

and as always, kill hitler

FancyShark

Next Lucas calls Drakov too stupid to have a good time

gellaho

Simon avoids Hitler, which not even the children's authors can do

Less awesome here

FancyShark

It's very commendable!

Velo Martingale

Biking Through Space and Time didn't avoid hitler

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

We stan a Hitler Avoider.

FancyShark

Lucas continues to accrue injuries like he's making a collection

gellaho

Well, don't get too excited about Simon in this period of time

FancyShark

lol, even the super evil guy is being careful about word choice. I like that

gellaho

Steele is half a decade after this and is chalk full of problematic stuff

Velo Martingale

Simon no don't racial lore dump

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"It's me, Baltios, the octaroon great-grandson of Lebron James!"

gellaho

Pronounce "Youx"

FancyShark

Yox

"Unless he hears me loudly explaining this right now"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

could just not say it, Drakov

Simon doesn't have to work everything from his research into the novel, does he?

FancyShark

Yes. Yes he does

Be thankful this at least isn't explaining how to make soap

Or how to smelt metal

Or how to set up plumbing

gellaho

I have a lot of questions

FancyShark

Hang on. Did they time jump again? They were on board the Abraham Lincoln earlier

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Simon voted Most Useful Fiction Writer For the Post Apocalypse.

gellaho

Apparently the pirate Jean Lafitte financed the Communist Manifesto? Which was given to Abraham Lincoln?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

big if true

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Yeah the part about him being friends with Marx is true.

gellaho

Don't look now

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

afaik anyway.

FancyShark

She will not be mentioned further

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

We hope.

gellaho

Seems like a real commie

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

bluh

gellaho

I'm growing weary of Gumby

FancyShark

This sitcom bit never got the laughs they expected

gellaho

He's a great guy

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this conversation sure is going on, huh

FancyShark

Lafitte offers to sell human beings every chance he gets. It makes taking his order at Burger King very awkward

gellaho

Gumby doesn't respect America, goddammit

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"If we raid American shipping the Americans will stop letting me sell illegal slaves, and I can't have that."

gellaho

Lafitte shoots one of Gumby's men

FancyShark

And you're to blame

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

bang bang, my gumby shot me down

gellaho

Simon out here making sure you don't like his villains

FancyShark

Simon, we already hated Drakov for conking Cross with a rock and giving that multi-hour lecture. You have established the evil enough!

gellaho

After a long discussion about how to escape, our heroes encounter a battle

gellaho

gellaho

Andre murders somebody

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

hahahahah Andre rules.

gellaho

They defeat Gumby's revolt with the art of the katana

FancyShark

"What happened? It broke, dipshit"

gellaho

Drakov is not a nice man

gellaho

FancyShark

Okay, one cannibal and he only ate part of an ankle

gellaho

Hey, guess what?

FancyShark

Hot damn!

gellaho

Dr Bob

gellaho

Came up with his own magic transportation system

gellaho

Dr Darkness done turned himself incorporeal

FancyShark

Doctor Darkness, Time Ghost

gellaho

"Fuck you, Gene Roddenberry!"

FancyShark

"He traveled back to the 1960s and got the writer's show canceled before it hit the five year goal"

gellaho

He might just grab ya

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Wow, a genuinely good joke built on a pop culture reference. Well played, Jakes.

FancyShark

uh, Hawke

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

That's what I said, Hawke.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

kids, buy the new DrDarkness action figure! With real grabbing action!

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

No followup questions.

gellaho

A couple decades separate the two

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

That was a test. I was testing you.

gellaho

Little did Simon know, he'd be unpaid for his Next Gen novel some years later

Well, that sucks

FancyShark

hahaha

Lucas done gonna lose another body part

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

lol never trust someone who works for Dr. Darkness.

"By now its spread to your brain, and Dr. Darkness can monitor your audiovisual inputs."

gellaho

Later, Gumby dies

gellaho

But what if I believe in a thing called love?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I feel like that's asking for the supervillain doctor to give you a lecture about how love is just chemicals fizzing in your brain.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I don't think I'm following the plot

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Before he proceeds into detailing his plan to destroy music.

gellaho

Well, at least Martingale knows better

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Congrats, Martingale, for clearing the low hurdle.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

these dumb babies didn't even have time to learn some good knowledge before they got slave traded

gellaho

It wouldn't change the color, chum

gellaho

Funniest thing I've seen all week

FancyShark

Someone say chum?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

a rose by any other name would smell as blue, chum

wait what

Velo Martingale

Friend chum not food chum, sorry shark

gellaho

Dr Darkness owns the time machines

FancyShark

aw

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

in a universe where evryone is time traveling all the time, it shouldn't be surprising that a guy knew about something earlier than you

gellaho

Speaking of Star Trek

gellaho

Klingons ain't got shit on these disruptors

FancyShark

Holy shit. Hawke invented 40K warp guns

gellaho

Simon Hawke on gun control

FancyShark

Classy

gellaho

Everyone steals from Simon

Except when Simon steals

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

The idea of a volcano with a "clock in" station is just. mwah

gellaho

You wanna steal from the one where Sean Connery disguises himself as a Japanese man

Don't get mad at me, get mad at You Only Live Twice

Except, don't get mad at You Only Live Twice

It's hilarious to see how Sean Connery doesn't work in Japan because he's 6' 2"

FancyShark

How we doing on pages?

gellaho

Getting there

Velo Martingale

It would be amazing if we were nowhere near the end

just introducing the volcano at the halfway point

gellaho

Awkward place, there are 40 pages left

FancyShark

I was honestly hoping that was the case

gellaho

Martingale all for murdering history

FancyShark

"Especially when there's no stun setting on a warp grenade"

gellaho

In teleports Dr Darkness

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

little weird we can do this much hijinks when we're still operating on back to the future time travel rules

FancyShark

Dr. Darkness is young Dr. Wily

gellaho

Good to see how fancy people dress the same in the 27th century

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Man I really was hoping for a little more drip from Dr. Darkness.

gellaho

The pocket watch and cane not good enough?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

No.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he says perceive because he's super smart

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Name like Doctor Darkness you need a fuckin cape and tweed is right out.

Velo Martingale

I cannot stop picturing Garth Marenghi

gellaho

Ersatz Cannibals was the name of my fourth metal album

gellaho

Much better received

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

hahahahah the snark on the Doctor.

Excellent.

gellaho

This is very star trek

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Doctor, this is why you should build a robot army.

You can send the robots to deal with people in your place.

gellaho

Maaaarthhhhhaaaaa! Why do you know that naaaaaaaaaammmmeeee!?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Just build them like Wall-E and shit and people will love that.

FancyShark

Darkness Ex Machina

gellaho

Yes, exactly that

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"nothing disturbs me! I am too scientific!"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Rad.

gellaho

Simon don't care, baby

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He's a sci fi Gandalf.

I love him.

gellaho

Bring a scientist with technology outside of the galaxy, fuck it

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

One Million Years of Darkness.

gellaho

FancyShark

Oh hell yes

gellaho

Shoot whatever, I don't give a shit

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hahahha I love it when "science, I dunno." becomes like a superpower

gellaho

Goddamn Simon Hawke rules

FancyShark

He made a garden hose that shoots pure devastation

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"What are you? A pussy? Just blow something up!"

gellaho

There goes Dr D

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hahahah Doctor Darkness belongs in a Lensman book.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

dr darkness is every sci fi scientist trope in one bucket of tweed

gellaho

Oh, right, Jules Verne was in this book

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

man going back to Verne after Dr. Darkness is going to feel like such a downgrade

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its funny, even if Doctor Darkness never gives any of his technodoobries to anyone, someone is still going to figure that shit out.

Velo Martingale

I genuinely forgot Jules Verne wasn't dead

gellaho

At some point, Ned switched from Andre

FancyShark

Fool

gellaho

They beat the shit out of him

Velo Martingale

We all know this means Ned is about to d-

yep

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I have no idea why Land or Verne or needed in this

FancyShark

Not quite sure why they beat the shit out of him, but I support their decision

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

It's what he gets for deciding a hot beef woman was a less good option than a sex slave.

gellaho

Layer, they beat the shit out of each other some more

gellaho

He's not supposed to do that in history, I guess

Time Wars 2: T-Day

gellaho

Meanwhile: Drakov's father sits

Velo Martingale

Did no one die in the last book?

FancyShark

Mongoose, but it was off-screen. Also the time milf

Velo Martingale

RIP Time Milf

gellaho

The classic sci-fi formula, two real, one fake

gellaho

I would say, not a great group

gellaho

But, nysteel

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

I really hope no one is champing at the bit to be part of the Waffen SS cosplay missions.

gellaho

I bet she's going to make it

Velo Martingale

That's the deadest person I've ever heard of

gellaho

I feel like they should know that

FancyShark

There's a strong conflict of interest going on

Velo Martingale

They should at least know enough of his thoughts to know the battle plan

gellaho

Dollies of evil

gellaho

Also, Jules Verne is there

FancyShark

"And by rewriting history, I certainly won't make you and your stature blink out of existence and thus nullify the purpose of bringing you here"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

god shut uuuuuuuuup Drakov.

gellaho

Drakov isn't great at branding

Velo Martingale

Today is TFOATA Day

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And his plan is toooo?

Do what now?

FancyShark

Now he smashes the bottle of champagne on the time machines to christen them, shorting them all out

Velo Martingale

Submarine

gellaho

Ultimate solution, not a great look

Velo Martingale

I'm going to shoot time with my submarine

gellaho

Launch twenty nukes throughout time

Because fuck it

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"now, 1 hour before I complete my evil plan, is the perfect time to explain it all to the time cops who want to stop me"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Not sure how that will help or really do much, depending on when they land.

Velo Martingale

this really doesn't explain the piracy at all but alright

FancyShark

Pirates are fun

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"what? Watchmen? Not familiar."

Velo Martingale

Shark makes a good point, pirates are fun

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Like if 1623 the place where Cleveland is going to be explodes in nuclear hellfire I dont think its going to affect much.

gellaho

Purge is a word you generally want to avoid

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

God those are such bad movies, Drakov.

FancyShark

"Stop war in these periods where they haven't heard of nukes or we'll nuke them" has a flaw or two

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Bud you are going to need more than 20 nukes across all of history to even begin to accomplish purging the human race.

gellaho

Drakov: King of Daddy Issues